notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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So glad that you are back in Chicago.
Hope you can find gratefulness in your safety.
Be well.
{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS BACK!}}}}}}}}}}
I've got a big week. I'm moving this week. Haven't arranged the movers yet but that's just details. I picked up my keys today. One Day At A Time right now but things are going well, there is progress every day. Even if I feel like a big scaredy cat inside, and I DO, I'm still getting a little more done each day. That's good.
I received an email from newly appointed Trust Officer and I've been waiting for this email regarding reimbursement of my receipts. She said they haven't reached a decision and asked me for a little more clarification about some things, mostly why I submitted the receipts now when as far back as 2012, the Trust did give me a disbursement back then for mileage to dad's doc's apps. Instead of trying to describe what was a very complex situation that I came into when I first arrived in 2011, I asked her if we could discuss on the phone for a bit tomorrow. I'd like her input as to what is pertinent info here. To me, it's a big blob of emotions and stress and strain. The caregiver experience was so multifaceted - the filthy old house with no food, my grandmother, my dad, the mold, my cousin, guardianship, filing evictions against my father, APS involvement - and I could tell her ALL of it, but I don't know what they would see as relevant to decide reimbursement.
I hope you guys are well. Big (((((hugs)))))
Whats worse is that I have a mother who has persecuted me and sentenced me wrongly all my life. I love her dearly. I made my self her protector as well as my sister's. So I cant lie and say it does not bother me sometimes knowing I would give the shirt off my back for them. What gets me is that that scenario is the story of my life with my sister. I am the farthest thing from an angel but there is no shame in my game.
I think she is even jealous that my mother is always knocking on my door for every and any thing. I have started directing her to my sister. Going to the store and picking up something is easy. Its the care that is hard.
As you mentioned next time I know who to call for help. I had erased my sisters number from my phone and put it back in to call her about my mother what a waste. But she cannot stand to be wrong or corrected.
I work with a nurse on job who is same sign young and I see the same traits. A few weeks ago she put numbers on all the med bottles and tops for my client and correlated with the medication log book I was like "wtf" but no way am I feeding into this. We struggle over it a lot. Today we got new cabinet. She bought me an oxtail dinner this morning saying maybe Ill do the number thing. Sorry but no. Today they bought new cabinet. I said no again. She srambeled all the meds like a child like it would frustrate me. This client takes about 30 meds. a lot of supplements, when I first started 3 years ago I had to look and figure out what was what. It was no problem. But it worry me that here I am with that same kindred spirit. Do I draw this sickness. Not to mention that this girl is the sweetest person. She was working 7 12hr shifts and I would tell her to 1/2 - hour late when client not in school and not to worry. We have a good working relationship but that blew me away.
All of that stupidness and people are suffering all over the world from man made and natural calamity. I pray for all those people the shooting the earthquake and hurricanes. Who knows what this winter will bring. Then you see your own vulnerability when someone dies. I see my cousin wasting away. He is hanging in there though.
Yes Las Vegas was a horrific act of domestic terrorism. I’m not sure I want to go anywhere where there are crowds of people like concerts. I am curious to see if this man had Isis connections.
We had a family discussion about bathrooms. Boys agreed they would stay out of the master bath. So far so good. We had all of the college aged boys home for the weekend. It was nice, but loud and they definitely eat...a lot.
Send, Great ideas regarding toilet seats!
Stacey, The family memorial sounds so nice. I hope the dysfunction is behind you. Watch out for BIL.
House additions are coming along. Wish it could be finished sooner, but that's not going to help.
I went to the dentist today for my pre-implant evaluation. They showed me a video, did x-rays, etc. They did the casts for teeth sizing. Once they get sample size teeth, I have to go back to check for proportion. Then they will set a date. I'm anxious to get this behind me. I've been planning for this for two years.
Everyone have a good evening.
Send, you are a Riot, but I do like your idea of hotel paper, and the black light test for UpsetSister! UpsetWife, why aren't we all That at times? Lol! I may just change my screen name!
What a awful tragedy in Las Vegas! Make me want to re-think my plans to go to a resort place like Lake Tahoe, but we can't live our lives in Fear, or the Criminals win!
Praying for those who were hurt, killed, their families and friends! So Sad!!!
Feel the gum, does it tickle a bit?
Mine did for one year, and I still wonder if that was normal.
Send, you are so funny!
Golden, hoping you and R have had success in finding a lab.
The extraction is healing well, tomorrow will be a week si I guess I can say no dry socket safely now!
Saturday dd and I went out to take some pictures at a place an hour away along the Snake river. It have camping and quaint little cabins. A high of 60 today! Last year at this time we were here visiting with our son and dil here too and it was high 70’s which is normal. This year we keep getting cold fronts coming in cooling us down about 15 degrees below normal. It is a pretty day out just chilly. I’m meeting my dd at the creek in 10 minutes for a walk. Have a good day all.
My best wishes for your happiness and congratulations to you both!
Will you have to change your screen name to Upset Wife now? Lol.
In the hotels, they often use a strip of fancy paper slipped on the toilet seats to show that they have been cleaned. The hotel name is across the paper as you look at the seat.
You could order some specially printed to designate "Put the toilet seat down"
and "Mrs. PJ" to designate that is only your toilet.
Another thing.....maybe hold your first family meeting concerning toileting. Check to be sure the boys are lifting both the cover and the seat. You know why.
In the series "Bones", the scientist would have a special blue light that showed where bodily fluids were at a crime scene (mostly blood, but any odily fluids will do.
I suggest you treat the toilets at your new home like a crime scene until you know more.
All meant in fun, to celebrate your marriage!
That's a touching story about the gathering at your FIL's graveside! I'm sorry that it was rough for you at first; we never know what our reactions are going to be until it hits us. But it sounds like you have a wonderful family around you! I like that you went to his favorite restaurant afterwards; that's sweet.
Sorry about the accident, too! Yikes! :( Hope you have a better week!
Yesterday, our kids, spouses and Grandies all got together to gather at my FIL's graveside to pay our last respects with a few words, a memory or picure.
13 of us in all, I was very proud that all my boys showed up in suits and looking so Handsome, our girls all so Pretty and wearing dresses, the Grandies in black dress shirts and ties, I am a proud Mommy, as none of this was discussed, and here I thought it to be a pretty casual event!
Everyone arrived exactly on time, and the moment I got out of my car and saw his grave and headstone, it hit me like a brick! I don't know why, I didn't understand it, but it felt as though my spine dropped right through my body and I felt dizzy and immediately started crying. It was not a reaction I expected at all, as I had been with him in the moments he passed away in our home, and had been at this very cemetery the following day making plans for his burial. It's been 10 days why am I reacting like this now? It was weird. My husband and daughter comforted me I pulled it together and was able to read off my memories of their Grandpa, and even read some of the memories for the kids is they were unable to being uncomfortable speaking in front of others in such a time of grief.
We spent about an hour there, the children running around my pup, and all the kids just chatting with one another. We all decided to walk over to my husband's grandparents grave, and realized that my father-in-law died on the very day of of his own dad's birth date. Well, that took me by surprise.
Now two Generations buried at the same Cemetery, my husband's grandparents and now his own parents. It was a bit of a life lesson for our kids, to see your last name written down on a gravestone.
We all headed off to my father-in-law's favorite restaurant here on the water front near our town, where I had reserved a big table. It was a perfect day we had great weather a little Sunny a little cloudy watching the boats and ferries go in and out of the harbor, the children we're in perfect form, funny, a little naughty, but well-behaved for the most part! You can't expect much less from little boys.
I loved reading and collecting all of the memories the kids wrote they were all so true so honest and from the heart. This now has put the finality to his passing, and will allow us to get on with finalizing all of his accounts and such. I've a few more places to contact regarding his pension money's and such.
I got into a fender bender over the weekend, made me very mad! I was stopped at a stoplight and a man rear-ended me from behind, I was the lead car and Bam he smacked into me before I had a chance to take my foot off the brake to go on a green light. The man was rude and belligerent towards me screaming at me and calling me filthy names as if it were my fault, where he was the one at fault striking me from behind. He scared me so I immediately called the police and my husband as I was only moments from leaving the house. The cop directed us out of traffic into a pull out, and my husband showed up within a couple of minutes. I got out of my vehicle and began taking pictures with my cell phone of the damage to my rear end bumper area and the front of his car capturing his license plate. He continued to scream obscenities out the window while the police officer was gathering our data sitting in his car, and the cop actually got out and told him to STFU! The man was Ticketed for failure to stop.
My husband was worried that the guy was unstable, hubby is very into safety as that was the business he was in, always worried about road rage and never antagonizing someone, he told me to remain quiet and not to yell back at the man. Which I didn't in the first place, but I wanted to!
All my husband said to the man when he arrived was, "Big Man" (as in, "Big Man for speaking to a lady like that"), and he never spoke a word after that! Hubby can be very intimidating with few words, when he wants to be!
I'm so glad the weekend is over and we put that past behind us! Today I have to make arrangements to take my car into the shop, get a rental car and move forward with finishing up the contacts for my father-in-law's estate. Thankfully, this time, I was hit by someone who actually has insurance! Geico, a national brand who actually has pretty good ratings and has already me about getting my car fixed and providing me with a rental car. I just hope my car is fixed and ready to hit the road as we plan a road trip for October 15th!
We're headed on a drive trip to Lake Tahoe, it should be a beautiful time of year with the fall leaves still changing in the low Mountain passes we cross over. We're taking my Charlie girl with us of course! She's a good little traveler, I hope!
I hope everyone here is doing well, I'm doing fine! Things are coming along and we're chipping away at putting away bits and pieces here at the house and fixing up things here and there. We've got big plans and hopefully we can get the majority of those implemented in the beautification of this home prior to Christmas. Did I mention we intend on staying here for a while? As that is now the new plan. We're going to stay in this house for at least a year maybe more, we'll see how the market and our health dictates that.
Love to you all! Stacey
PS: does the dysfunction end here and now? I hope so!
Just a story to let you know it is not at all uncommon for siblings to remain in denial of parent's illnesses, especially dementia. It is a mental condition that are so taboo for some people to talk about, much less understand.
You did the best you could do under the circumstances. It will happen again. So be ready, have your phone with you, do not call anyone other than 911, and be understanding with mom so it is not misinterpreted by others. Then your plan is set in motion.
When my mom started exhibiting such difficult irrational behavior I called the police and fire station to tell them there was someone with dementia living at our address. She had just started becoming so bizarre. I felt the emergency responders would need to know what they may be walking into. They would still respond in an emergency, but at least had an idea of what was going on. Something to think about.
When I got off Wednesday morning. I was dead tired, didn't sleep that day before work, sometimes my nerves go there and I was out of melatonin. so now I am off for four days get in house. my mother opens door I giveher her sandwich and search for my keys, they are gone. then I cant remember having them on job. O boy! so I break into my room. I call my cousin who has cancer to see if I dropped them in his car. I call job. no keys! Then my mother comes bamming on door saying she going out,got to find some man who has her stuff. I heard her and neighbor talking. I look out window don't see anyboy. I runn down and she is just strutting down the street with her bag on her shoulder with a dress over pants. I don't have my lensesontact no glasses) so I run and put them in so I can see. When I go back down she is at gate a neighbor walked her back. She still determined to see this man and get her things. I could not let her leave gate. I didn't have a key to lock house. So I struggle for a long time with my mother I was exhausted and pissed and I saw this wandering coming. It scared me I saw the repercussions of this new level. I got scratched on arm. The more I held her back the more determined she became. Seniors can be very very strong. I am experienced with safety precautions but I had no help and it was getting out of control. I told neighbors to call ambulance. They didn't, didn't want to. I couldn't because my phone was up stairs and I couldn't leave my mother.
Now I have been purposefully locked out of muy mothers medical care. this is her and my sisters cohooting from years ago. My sister refuses to address the dementia and other issue don't get addresss until she see it her self which is months later. So I know there is going to be a day I need to call ems and that is the day I can set my care plan in motion. Untill then she refuses to go to a doctor with me. As I mention I am a nurse for 26 yrs and an EMT with NYCEMS for 6 years. I think my mother and sister felt that the ways she has treated me, I wanted to retaliate by having her committed.
Anyway, not the case. So the guy who live across the street was moving. He and the guy thats's supposed to be working on the shed just looked at me when I motioned to call ambulance. So my mother is close to the one who is moving so I tried to distract her saying he was over there. Anyway she ended out, in street crossing over then my other neighbor whom I pay every now and then to watch and keep an eye out when I go away. she and my mother go to meeting together well used to and well she reinforeced a lot of things I was trying to tell my mother like counting money and street and not going anywhere by her self. She saved the day, walked with my mother to find this man. came back. meanwhile I call my nephew, told him what was happening, he said he was on his way. my whole feeling was like you and your mother don't want to get ma help so yall can come sitt with her. Then I called a counselor, I talk to who got me to see what I would get calling my sister. nothing. I wanted to tell her the same. You don't want to get her help. You don't help. I called twice, no answer. no call back. I guess she and nephew spoke inbetween because when I called him back he asked again what was happening then states aint nothing wrong with her and hung up phone. when I call back he hung up.
I don't want to be spiteful. But if I ever get in this situation again and have to take my mother to hospital, I wont be calling either one.
I cant believe How I fooled my self thinking that there was love in my fsamily. That I was instilling these qualities not only in my child but my nephews. My extended family is very loving, its large and the gatherings are usually a funeral where we catch up. The last one one of my cousins (I hadn't seen in 20 something years when he was a little boy.) Well my girlfiend lived in their building and we were in highschool trying to hang every weekend. I pick my BJ upand cuddle him every time I was over there while the mother fussed, don't u wake him up. He tracked me down had much love for me. I felt like wow! Anyways this computer has a page up next to enter so this was supposed to be below.
Stacey I think that is awesome the way your family is so supportive and loving. Its true its something that is instilled (natural too) from witnessing and teaching. I only wish my family were like that. So glad you have that.
blackhole - how nice, but it doesn't last does it? have a few good memories among the other ones too. Thank goodness our holiday family gatherings are now only my kids and me, if they occur at all.
All is quiet on the western front for now. Hope it stays that way for a while.
((((((Hugs)))) to everyone
The in-law who, for all intents and purposes, is surgically attached to the smart(?)phone actually put the d*mm thing away and spoke in complete sentences. And a cousin we don't see often was in the mix.
I'm too smart to get carried away by this "high." The Nov/Dec holidays and all the attendant expectations/learned helplessness/myopia are right around the corner. But still. Nice to have one encounter that didn't spike my blood pressure.
Oh, the cotton sheets, decided they will not work any longer. After cutting, felt I needed a shower, so dang dusty, and yuck. So, got in the shower instead of waiting until tomorrow morning. The news said it is going to get even colder next week, so now flannel sheets. I should sleep very well! Love my flannel!
Glad - The Canada Food Inspection Agency is the government dept. for dealing with food issues. I was surprised that they do not do testing (at least in my case), nor could they direct me to a place that does. It seems I am slipping between the cracks. I would think that part of the investigation should be to identify what the extraneous material is. If I was in charge it would be!
I have found one more lab in Saskatchewan and will call them tomorrow if R has had no luck at the U of A. Then I have run out of ideas. A lady I spoke to at one lab said to call her back if I had no luck, and she would see if she could find somewhere. Very nice of her.
eta - only food labs are U of A. :(
Re the bathrooms - maybe have one designated for your use where the toilet seat is to remain down!!!