The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cwillie, oops, I forgot to mention, nope, bad brother and sister are both Big let downs, Neither bothering to come to see him in his illness and last days on earth, such poor excuses for human beings! Sister called twice, mainly to stir the pot over Bb, and he still is calling often, but mostly in attempts to relieve his own guilt, IMO, and always talking up his own "emergent" illness issues, so as to have an excuse not to come, and there's no reason to come now, thank you very much! He did offer to chip in 200 dollars towards the burial expenses though! Wow!

Stacey, I may have missed it (and I'm really just being nosy), but I haven't seen anything about bad BIL or SIL through all this. Did they not show up?

Hi Guys, I'm just checking in, and wanted to give a quick update on US!

I hate that I haven't been able to keep up on all of you and how you are all doing I'm at least 10 days behind and may Never cach up!), but gosh we've been busy!

So after my FIL passed away last Wednesday morning, I just happened to be on the phone with our lovely Nurse, as my FIL had spiked a fever that morning and I didn't know what to do about it, if anything (I knew he was transitioning into active dying).  He had been near comatose for nearly 50 hours, and that morning, I had checked him over and he didn't appear to be in any distress, as we had been keeping him medicated throughout the night with liquid meds, unable to suck a straw or swallow from the previous evening, so keeping his mouth moist with those spongettes, but again I checked his temp, 103.6, and I panicked a little. I cooled him down with wet clothes, turned back the covers, and left his room to call our Nurse. As I was on the phone with her, hubby noticed (on the baby monitor) that it didn't look like his Dad was breathing, and afraid to go in there himself, and me with the Nurse on the phone, I went back in, checked his breathing and pulse, and indeed he had passed away in that minute that I had left him, and I just broke down. I felt horrible that I wasn't with him, but as they say, sometimes they wait til you leave the room, but I do know that he was calm and comfortable,  just quietly shut down, God Love him! That second, hubby was right there with me, nurse still on the phone, trying to calm me dowith, telling me you take my time, really check him to see that he was indeed gone, it was such a surreal experience!

So now we've gotten all his burial arrangements made, and have planned a quiet low key memorial of sorts with just our kids, spouses and Grandies, to visit the Cemetery and his graveside next Sunday, and we will each read off our favorite memories of him, place flowers on their graves, and have a nice meal at his favorite waterfront restaurant near our home.

Interestingly enough, his Death Certificates are already in (so fast huh?), and now I can begin making calls and closing out his health and life insurance policies, SS, and closing banking accounts too. Hopefully I can get all this done in the next few days, and then we can get out of town on a drive vacation here in mid October, while the leaves are still changing.

My kids and family have all been terrific, very supportive and offering all sorts of help, but hubby and I are managing well, getting things put to rights around the house, as you might recall, my FIL moved into Assisted living for 9 weeks, which meant that my husband had to move all of his stuff back to our house, which was "a bit under construction with painting and clearing out projects, Uggg!) which made even More mess, it was Awful!

So we're plugging away, and now that all of the DME and hospital equipment is gone back, we've more room to work with, getting things put away again, and donating most of FIL THINGS, as I'm ready to put this whole ordeal in the past, as I've no interest in keeping any of it, and I hope that doesn't seem callous of me, heck, I'm wanting a fresh new start, even getting rid for my own (old) junk! Lol!

What a long long journey this has been!  He's in a better place with his beloved wife, and I'm feeling better about things now.   

Some of you might not know, but my husband and I entered our marriage with 2 kids each (a second marriage for us both), all under 5 years old at the time, and my youngest had to move out at 21, so that FIL could move in after his wife died, so we've never been alone in our married life ever! 33 years of being responsible for someone else! So now we'll really be testing each other, to see if we even Like each other anymore! Lol! We'll manage somehow, but it's Weird to think about, let alone figure out!

Thank you all for the warm messages, and all of your support, I'll be back when things settle down (and will try to catch up on my reading this thread), and now the meantime, Take Care Everybody! You all mean so much to me! Love, Stace ❤

duck - they are impossible. I am sure you are missing and grieving your friend ((((((hugs))))) Looks like these tomatoes are cherry tomatoes too. One plant we brought is is showing a few flowers since R tied up the part the wind blew over. It is fun watching them grow

sharyn -hope the extraction goes well and just gives you relief

upset - thinking of you and pj and your rapidly approaching "event". So happy for both of you!

stacey -wondering how you are surviving these days. Hope the sil and bil are not causing any problems. I know you have tons of family support.

Just got a call from CFIA E'ton and it happens that R texted that he was there in the front office so I think he will get to the right person. They will not do any testing so we will find a lab that will.

everyone - have a good day! Do something for you.

Well, I go in tomorrow morning to the molar pulled. The filling is very old and I'm hoping it is an easy extraction with no sectioning of the tooth.

I am still coming to terms with my girlfriend. Its still hard to believe, that the case with all my deceased love ones. I didn't think I would ever cry again after my father died. I was walking down street and just collapsed in a fit of mourning. It shocked me the way it hit. But not so, this is the deal with someone you really love and it never stops.

And the day of her memorial I go to work and I get hit with these excruciating pains stabbing, sharp pain at the bottom of my foot near the front. The next day it was off and on all day then stopped a few days then hit in morning a few times. Last I got it was early Friday after I slept in all day. Whew!!!. No injury no twist no fall. I have lymphedema in this right leg. I had a nice cut in front scraping it on a aluminum dust pan stick that bent. It bled a lot then it wept a lot and I got scared thinking this lymph fluid coming out is going to cause me a big problem and no insurance. but its healed now. Sometimes I feel if I'm not falling apart in the head then Its my body.
Not to mention it was 90 degrees today in NY and I have a little congestion which I'm on top of but is dangerous for me." Heavens to Mergatroy!!"

Upset I've been meaning to say I am so happy for you and wishing you the best in all.
Trying, I hope you have gotten the needed rest and feeling better
Sharyn, thanks I'm hanging, also a naturall antibiotic would probably help the pain if this insurance dilemma continues. I was taking a lot of vit c whenever I catch cold. My prayer partner told me about oregano oil. Also burdock root. Now here is a clencher. my relief RN is African. I was telling her my issue. She works now 5 12 hour shifts from 7 12 hours shift so she can afford a plan. But she told me in past I could have taken fish antibiotics its the same look it up. I am just passing it on.
I am a shade tree tooth specialist. Growing up chewing blow pops and jar breakers and maryjanes and squirrel nuts. If I try it now a tooth might come out in the candy while chewing.
Anyways I suggest you start trying something in the form of antibiotic as it will only get worse. I've had a mouth full of cavities and impacted wisdom teeth. Done a lot of crying and boo hooing at the dentist. I get some issues with my front cap. so far so good I finally got top and lower bridges but I didn't wear them because they were uncomfortable and forget chewing. Now I cant even put the top one in for that shinning smile. LOL

I am back from a few days off. I love to cook and basically what motivates me out of bed when I am lazy is figuring out my plan for dinner.
Well Thursday I slept in. It felt good. Friday I did my laundry baked a chicken with stuffing and picked up a few groceries.
Sat. the baked chicken is gone (all but a piece of breast, some stuffing and bones() I ask my mother what happened did she give it to someone? Then I notice a loaf of wheat bread is gone and a bag of burger rolls, WTH!! also a 20pack glazed donut. I'm searching all over no signs no evidence. I clean fridge, as I prepare my Sunday dinner which is my lunch. Made beef shanks with gravy, bbq ribs and beef , mac and cheese cabbage with pigtail and neck bone., blue berry muffins didn't come out right. Fix my plate, my mother's plate. pack my lunch. Triple bag it because my mother goes into it and takes what she wants somethimes. Well this morning (Sun) No bag, no sign of it the foil, the containers. Whew!! I have always felt my mother naturally sabatoges me. Sometimes its intentional may all the time. Maybe I say naturally when I want to believe she honestly didn't have bad in mind. :) :( !!!!!! Anyways she used to always say "I'll fix you". I think I got fixed, - I showed her her messes as I cleaned, complained that she always soak the dish clothes and forgets them. They end up feeling cheesy and stinky. Well, I left her talking to the TV. This will be an unsolved mystery. I am still in that place of peace. I still don't know what got in my head to get me here but I was praying to be able to let go and let God. So this didn't seem to big of thing, it was kind of funny depending on which view I took. If I do the true dementia view well its funny. But a whole bag of food wrapped in foil and containers does not just disappear. I just hope it didn't go to waste. I didn't check the garbage was on my way out. If it was intentional or spite, well, I have lived with that for a long time. I guess I am getting over my bitterness. I just moved on like I do, took some sandwich meat, cheese and bread that I followed my mind to pick up on sat When I went to by something to replace the doughnuts. Gee whiz. Life is a beach LOL

Dang Golden, that is just so weird.
Loved hearing about that one orange tomato, the green ones two. My first garden I thought something was wrong with me when the tomatos turned green but didn't grow. I almost wanted to cry. Made lots of compaints that they weren't growing then took a few over to show my nieighbor and he told me they were cherry tomatoes, Now that not what I purchased.

Also glad you are healing well.

Upset you are fortunate your fiancé' insurance will accept you. I have to wait until open enrollment now 11-1.

Or burmese.

cmag - sounds like a good idea. Your step-sis is doing a great job.

trying - she sounds like a "queen".

glad - a siamese sounds good - got me thinking here.

Maine Coon cats are beautiful, but way too high maintenance, grooming, shedding, nope. I am thinking a Siamese would be a good idea.

Ms. Sparrow is Maine coon. She is mean, demanding, eats too fast then throws up half her food and yes a wicked tail swisher. She sheds like all get out. Pretty little thing though...

CMag-sounds like a good plan for your Dad

Here is an update about my dad. As of May, he has out lived his long term care insurance. To keep him at the same level of care, my step-sister is going to move him to the house she owns right next to her house and sell his house which is in a retirement community with association fees. She expects the profit from the sale to provide my dad three more years of care with 3 care givers per day for 8 hours each. He is 92 with alzheimer's and Parkinson.

ummm - ice cream everywhere. Rethinking the maine coon cat. lol

upset - it was. I hope we get a good analysis then they track back and find out what happened.

Good for you. Insurance is important especially as we get older. No waiting period -great! You will have a wonderful party afterwards. Blessings on you.

I've never been into the world of pets much. We had a Siamese cat growing up. My son had a Maine coon cat. They shed everywhere and they swish their tails constantly. Think sitting on the sofa eating some ice cream and the cat walks across your lap with her big bushy tail, slinging ice cream everywhere.

Golden, That incident is truly disgusting. I hope they get to the bottom of the problem. We have not had frost yet which is unusual. PJ and I have discussed my insurance problem with all of the kids. So Monday or Tuesday we'll make the trek to Town Hall to tie the knot. Then as planned Thanksgiving week we'll go to Vegas and have a big party to celebrate and then onto Disneyland. It's not what we planned, but I dare not mess up my chance to get very good dental and health insurance. The lady at the benefits office told PJ to fax a copy of our marriage certificate to her before the 30th and I'll be covered 10/1. They have no waiting period on qualifying events.

trying - yes, soda -won't give a brand name. I was assured that no human was involved in the process, but I don't think a machine wears gloves. R, being in safety, said obviously there was an incident that was not reported. Does't give one much confidence. Bleck indeed. I am getting over the yuck issue.

I hear you about what we did in our youth. Not possible now. Even house plants take some care. I have about 20 which is probably too many.A friend who is a real house and garden type moved when she was 70 and reduced to one orchid in her kitchen window and no pets.

The road construction crew are using the green belt opposite the house as a parking lot and also a place to dump gravel and other materials for transport to the site they are working on. The big machines start before 7 am. My (hopefully) last summer here is not giving me good memories of this normally attractive location. The front deck is very dusty but it is not finding its way in much thankfully. It is much worse when it is in the house.

upset -have you had frost yet?

Egad Golden!! Gag! Bleck! That's horrible! I'm not sure what brown fizzy stuff means, some kind of soda? If so I am never drinking soda again.

Glad - Even goldfish have stinky poopy water to clean ... after our kitty Ms. Sparrow passes on I am sticking to house plants. I can't believe at one point in my life I lived in a small apartment with three sons, two fancy rats, two parakeets, a Siamese fighting fish, two cats and a dog. Ahhhh youth....

If you want dust, try building onto an existing house when they open up the wall. Total mess. I sweep up dust twice a day.

They're working 7 days a week. Starting tomorrow on the opposite side of the house. Double the mess.

Golden, I think the frost is not normal this early. Be careful with the dust. We have lots and lots of construction going on here in the subdivision. There are probably 10 houses with framing completed and windows being installed. Then they sit a long time because we don't have a lot of subcontractors to come do the inside work. Now I understand why 7 months to get a house built here. I'm so happy we were able to get the floor plan I wanted already built.

I hope you get out for pics Golden! Enjoy it!

ali -glad your trip is going well. Wow that was excellent help from big bro. What a nice surprise! Enjoy the ice fall weather and check in when you are back home.

sharyn -glad the pain is manageable. No frost here yet which is a huge departure from normal. I want to get out too and take some snaps of the woods. I think my eye is healed enough that I don't have to worry about grit and dust, There is a lot here with the road construction on our street.

Momshelp -I am sorry. We sure don't need this kind of attack. You are probably right re responding that one way or another you would be wrong. I find it is better not to share info or opinions with family members unless I know for sure they will not pass it on. Did you expect his wife to keep it to herself? I have mostly cut contact with my sis as she ends up attacking me sooner or later.

Ali, good job on your cross country trek! It was nice of your brother to help out with hotels. I hope you get home and rested up with no complications.

I'm still having some morning pain but it is manageable. I only take the norco at night and I break the tablet in half since I am a wimp with meds that make me sleepy. A whole one would knock me out too much. The antibiotic has to be taken with food to avoid stomach upset. I'm allergic to penicillin and the dentist said this antibiotic was the only other option(clindamycin) 2 capsules 3x's a day.

We are warming up slowly to the 70's again with frost in the mornings. After I get this tooth pulled, I hope to go out to enjoy some autumn color.

Happy Sunday!

Momshelp, so sorry your brother is difficult. Dysfunctional families and lack of help with caregiving are common. He wants to isolate his family so cut your losses and move on. My oldest brother did the same thing. I don't communicate with him much because he just kind of grunts back with a couple word response like I'm an annoyance. I never really knew him anyway so it has not been a big loss. I hope you got some sleep.

Got a hateful text from a brother. He says we're done so don't even answer because he won't read it. Stems from a conversation I had with his wife, I gave my opinion on my family being disfunctional-him included. He spends so little time with us & kept his 1st wife & kids & 2nd wife & kids away from everyone, I thought he agreed. Apparently this was insulting. I'm just venting here instead of responding & adding fuel to the fire. He's seriously unpredictable so probably wrong either way to answer or not. Anyway now I can't sleep. Great

I want a cat cat! 😉 I really do want a cat and any old kind of not-mean cat will do. 

Hey all, been "on the road" since Tuesday when I flew to Las Vegas, now slowly driving the rented moving truck back to Chicago area. Just wanted to check in. The mobile AC site is difficult for me to read plus I've been busy driving each day, so haven't read this week's happenings. Hope everyone is good! I will be back home tomorrow by evening time, only 4 hours left to drive but I stopped because I was tired and it was late. My older bro surprised me by offering to get hotel rooms for me with his travel points he racks up for his work stuff. I'm so grateful to spend the night in decent places and not have additional expense. The truck rental and gas etc etc is enough expense to my no-job self.

Just wanted to check in, say hi. Hope everyone's having a nice weekend. Weather was good for a cross country drive.

Yeah, or that.