The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

The anger I have from the dysfunction surfaces from time to time. It can be hard to process because it has no personal closure and that is where I have to be gentle on myself and forgive again. I do lose it at times because I am more emotional, if I work through the emotions, I see the light on the other side.

Still waiting for health insurance to come through. It has been 6 weeks now. I have a tooth ache kicking me in the mouth and sure what I should do. Wait or make appointment without insurance.

Thanks Ali. I try to process the anger appropriately, but sometimes I lose it when I think about certain incidents and what it cost me. I don't envy you the move from Vegas. But having everything in one place will making whittling down easier. Maybe you'll make a few dollars in the process. PJ and I have been talking about our house situation. It's going to be a monumental mess. But we'll get it done. PJ has put his house up for sale. It should sell quickly. My brother's addition is coming along well. We're going to build the same addition on the other side of the house. It will give us plenty of room and privacy for everyone. Hoping they get the footers dug next week and get moving on that side. The building is noisy during the day. I don't have to worry about sleeping late. They're pounding away at 7:00 am every morning.

Golden, You're amazing with your diligence to exercise. I start and stop. PJ is very disciplined with all of that stuff. Not me - I'm hit or miss.

Upset, I very much sympathize with your feelings of anger about your mom. I put a Hug on your personal page but bears repeating. I think many of us have recurring feelings of anger and resentment that we have to move past. It's a strange thing -- the feelings of anger are valid and good, imo. We need to acknowledge that we don't deserve to be treated poorly. But then... the offender/parent isn't going to change, and in your case has passed, and I think the best we can do is to work through our anger and release it a little at a time, best as we can. For me, the anger can come up again and again due to new things happening, or old memories resurfacing. When my dad was still living here in this house, my resentment was to the point that my first thoughts on any given day were about how ANGRY I was with my brother or my mother. I don't know why I was angry with them... It was like I needed to fight someone and they were easy targets to have imaginary arguments with. :-/ Weird stuff that my brain was doing because -- I was so angry!

Now I'm not as angry anymore but I still feel the resentment at times. For one thing, I'm not "done" yet, I'm not out of this situation. I'm still dealing with the clean up of someone else's life decisions, and I'm doing it alone. I get angry about that. I look forward to a time in my life where my family doesn't get to monopolize space in my head and take up a huge chunk of my time and labor every week lol.

Just trying to say that -- I understand the anger. I'm so sorry. I hope you can move forward more and more into a life where your mother's choices and actions lose their hurtful grip on you. You deserve happiness for yourself, away from her grasp.

Golden, your "overcomer" attribute is very strong!  I admire that in a person.  I agree that exercise helps A LOT. If I exercise to maintain my upper body strength, it makes every day work much easier.

I've been told that Trust will meet on 28th to discuss my receipts and whether or not to reimburse. I dislike waiting around, of course, but... that seems to be all I can do at this point.

I booked a flight (only $50 for one way ticket!) to go to Las Vegas to retrieve my things out of storage unit but... I had THEE WORST night of non-sleep last night. I can recall having another night like last night in a decade -- chronic itching where I can't sleep, feeling too unsettled/panicky to sleep, plus there was a loud rain storm outside the window.  I'm resting up right now, making some calls and planning to take a flight tonight instead. I have a friend that can pick me up and give me a bed for the night, then I'll go get rental truck in the morning and hire day labor to get things loaded.

I'm not exactly happy to be doing this cross-country move back but it's necessary. I'll be SOOOO happy when it's all done, when all the STUFF is in one place!   Then I can whittle possessions down to only exactly what will go in new place. That's the plan, at least. I have a lot of work in front of me this week.  

Wow!! Golden you are inspiring. I mean that truly!!

Trying, what a sweet story!!

Send , you can do it!!

Ok! I will do it with one hand tied behind my back.
But what I cannot do, is listen to Edelweiss on youtube, dream of going to Austria and the Alps, and throw myself back onto the bed in tears.
No, really, I am crying now.
Thank you Golden!

send - good for you!!!! Yay!!!

At 96 my mother could make her own bed and even put one of those metallic mattresses on it. She said it nearly killed her, but we went on to wander the malls, have lunch, go to the bank and then climb a huge set of stairs for her to get her flu shot.

The trick is to establish a habit - build the exercIses into your daily routine. Even if you start small, just keep it up and soon you can do more. When I first had FM I needed help making my bed too. But then I slowly built myself up. I started walking in the hallways -5 minutes, then 10 minutes etc.

Another challenge, send, is that I have only one hand from birth. I never let it hold me back. So try making your bed with FM and one hand and a stump lol. It can be done.

Ok Golden,
As for me, I am going to just try harder to make the bed by myself in the future.
And, given exercises to do by both chiropractor and physical therapist, will try harder to do that too. I will do it!
There is just no way I am going to let someone your age beat someone my age. Lol.
Meant with respect for all you do with some of the same challenges I have.

trying -what a lovely story. Some of my happiest memories are the times I worked with special needs kids.

upset - I understand your anger and I am sorry you had to go through that.  Mother did the same kind of thing to me. She broke up my first romance (to a nice guy) and I have often wondered what my life would be if she hadn't interfered. Then she would arrange for young men she liked to visit us and I often wondered if it was more for her than for me. I am glad that you and pj can be together without interference now.

duck - I am so happy that your cousin treated you. You will grieve the loss of your friend for some time. I am another one who us ire comfortable giving than receiving, but I am learning. You are going to Korea to visit your son - awesome!!!!

ali let us know when you hear from trust

Margeaux -wondering how you are.

Everyone thinking of you all.

Saw some people were struggling with their deep pocket bottom sheets and mattresses with tops.. I used to, but since I have been doing exercises they slip on like nothing. I am amazed how much difference even a little exercise makes. Have to get back to it once my eye is healed.

R is making great progress on the fence. He is having to partially rebuild it as the lads who built it originally did not make it as strong in places as it needs to be. It is looking great. Such a relief to get it done and I know what R builds does not come apart.

Hope everyone is coping decently well with life and the challenges it throws at us.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Trying that sounded like a Kodak moment. I could picture those girls smiling, you probably gave them a new coping tool.
About the giving. I am a giver. like you mentioned, I think my significant family are all takers. My sister and mother. I think my sister get her habits from my mother and basically her children from her even though they spent a lot of time with me and muy mother. During their time my mother did all she could to clearly undermine any authority or respect even though I was the one cleaning cooking and shopping and driving the family everywhere.
Now how I really learned about the receiving (and I understand people do want something in return is my basic experience.) Hard for me because I barely received and when I did I was made to feel like a burden and selfish.
So anyways when I move back to my mother's house. I was treated like a vagabond, beggar, intruder you name it. I have told her I will never forget how I was treated. Her and my sister were on a mission. Well I did a lot of crying to my cousin who was very supportive, we helped eachother. I stepped up to the plate in support when her brother died and his family tried to keep her out the loop. I think on my mother birthday she later bought me a two shirts nice. she says I see how you do with your mother every birthday and holiday I just wanted to do this. Her words sounded familiar. Then before my birthday she bought me two nice dresses. They are nice but on me they would be tooo sexy like.? Ive never worn either. Anyway she took me to a play and dinner told me in no uncertain terms to ordere what I want get what I want did I want another drink? Her words sounded like me when I would do the same. I saw me and my intentions trying to make someone happy and uplift them and really honest to goodness no taxes fees or conditions. I tell you it broke my heart with happiness that someone would do that from their heart.

I am still very leary about people who want to take me out or flash money in one way or another. These people need followers. My sister seems to fall for the game and stick her head in their butts. I have seen it over and over. And the same people I have to explain that I don't go to dinner or anyplace unless I have my own money and carfare.

My sister did my mother's laundry. I am happy she is stepping up her game. Its almost acutally is a relief to see and have someone else working toward the same goal. So now I feel like I can mop those dirty messes she leaves and spills on kitchen floor without blowing a gasket. :).

I think my prayers are being answered. My perspective is changing. Now I just need to build my self up to believe I deserve and am only worthy of a nice lovely organized bedroom. Its helter skelter in there and I keep starting and leaving projects. I think I need to get rid of this old recliner my nephew left in there. He came to get it the first time his mother had knee surgery when I first came. I told him it had cat pee all in it. Should have keept my mouth shut. I sprayed it and tried to clean it then covered it with a comforter and now its full of junk and takes up a wall I could use to put a good dresser in front of. Then I'llhave a place to put my clothes and see my clothes. I have just not too long felt empowered to do stuff. I was told I could not put a lock on door oh boy the manipulation. Tryng to forget that stuff too.

Oh and my girlfriends service was lovely. I walked in I'm listening to this music it sounded like strings and familiar. This elderly man was playing Edelweiss (Sound of Music) with a saw and violin bow this was awesome and so poignant. The song is one of my clients favorites it sounded so pretty and once I figured out what it was, it bought tears because I had to learn that song and would sing it and hum it on way to work, doing laundry, cleaning ....:)

Right now I am still in process of accepting the fact that she is "gone". I have lost so many cherished loved ones and this is the harded part of the process of acceptance. Yet I am happy for her. No more pain, no more sorrow.

So now my schedule is back to the normal 3 12 hour shifts. I travel 2 hours two and from work. It takes a toll. I had shut down my " little projects'" now its time to get back on point. Have to find out all I need to do to visit my son in Korea. Take passport photo. Bought my regualar wig in a brownish color. It was time for a refresher and they just now got them in only not my color so I settled for this one. Got to push for the right color. Made them write it down feweeks ago. I guess someone got to my 1b before I did. I think I will ask them to hold it next time. Anyways its okay winter is coming I can slap this one on under a hat when it gets cold.

Upset, thank you. We moved to Idaho just so we could be in our grandsons lives. Your anger is very earned. My mom was bad enough but not as bad as others on here. Dysfunction at its best. You have come a long way to better your life and now, you have PJ back in it. In many ways your relationship has survived much already. Here you are full circle with him and I believe the worst of dysfunction is behind you. A wedding in your near future, I am so happy for you. I read the excitement in your posts. A perfect time of year for a wedding too!

Sharyn, You're so fortunate to have your grandchildren close. I've never had that. Lucky to see mine once a year for a day or two.

I look back at all I lost because of my Mom. It makes me sick and totally angry. She was so intrusive, manipulative. Even when I wasn't with her she made my life miserable. She interfered in every aspect of my life. Time that I lost with my son, my grandchildren, and PJ. Back when we dated several years ago she went all out to interfere anyway she could. She talked about him, criticized everything he did. The few times she met him she was rude beyond belief. Makes me angry right now to even think about that time.

Thanks for the pep talk DDDuck. Much appreciated. Your comment about not being able to receive hit a chord. I am extremely uncomfortable letting anyone do for me. In all honesty I think part of that is because a lot of the people in my life give nothing without expecting double in return. Mom especially. Not my husband though, he is a sweetie and the only person I really trust (except my kids, I have great kids).

Thank you Golden. As always you say just what I need to hear.

Just want to share a cute work story. Today I had to take 6 students out into the community (special needs). Four out of the six were having a bad day so it was stressful trying to help them all stay emotionally regulated. At one point two of the girls just started bawling. I raised three sons but never dealt with girls. I am really good with oppositional behavior and angry outbursts but emotional drama? ...not so much. Any way I was at my wits end, so I just put the two girls together and asked if they would try to help each other out. They both nodded and I went off to deal with another kid who was on the verge of a melt down. When I came back to the girls they were both chatting and smiling. It was awesome! Made my day :)

Awe, Upset, that is so true!!! E is mostly very studious in his play, and then....he pops out and will talk a streak with me. I do not know for sure if our communication is in the form of echolalia or normal toddler talk, but it is different than with his twin brother. As long as E knows I am understanding what he is saying, he talks and talks with me repeating back to him then he moves forward with the talk.

L is a sweetie too. He is typical 3 year old wanting to be involved in everything you are doing. This morning I wasn't dressed yet when our daughter came over. I told L I was going to feed Midget and get dressed and would be out in a minute. That was not enough....I asked L if he wanted to help me feed Midget and he did. He fed Midget while I quickly got dressed and I held L's hand out to the car. They know our routine when they go home,( we, hubby and I) go from one side of the car to the other to give them a kiss goodbye and they expect it!! Yes these two little boys have captured my heart and I will do whatever it takes for Both of them to be who they are and comfortable with themselves and each other. Being a Grandparent is so special too.

Sharyn, Last night a friend posted something about his grandson and I automatically thought of your grandson. He said "I know Brett is special needs, but he is like opening a special gift. You never know what is going to pop out of that special package or when."

DDDuck, I'm so happy you are moving forward with saying no. I struggle with that too. Keep moving forward.

Golden, glad you are home and your mom was in good spirits. Bright sunny rooms are my favorite too. I am glad your surgery has gone so well.

Thank you and everyone for the input with my grandson. You are all so right and the information is great. My biggest concern is E being bullied. While at preschool, he will sit for the circle time, but he sits with his back to the teacher. He is adorable and I love him just as he is as does the family. I feel a protectiveness for him because I remember the bullying my son incurred with ADHD.

My bil left early this morning for California. We had a nice visit and he and hubby had lots of time together. Poor hubs got sick Saturday evening with a stomach bug and he is still somewhat under the weather.

We also are heading into autumn mode, raining on and off this week. I plan to walk along the Boise river green belt for view some nice autumn colors.

I am in the process of completing an online application for a position with the large chain grocery store here. So much to do yet slower at getting it done.

Time to start homemade chicken and noodles to soothe hubbys gut. Everyone be grateful for what you have, be happy for who you are and love yourself, take care of yourself first.

Back home and happy to be. We are in full fall weather - cool, crisp and sunny. Love it!

upset -so happy for you and pj and all the family planners. I am quite sure that whatever plans you make, they will be wonderful. Your ring looks gorgeous! Pj has good taste in everything!

ali - I am with madge. Just let it happen. I have had dates that I "knew" right away it would not work, but looking back, other than the red flag ones, I may not have been wise to make a quick decision all the time. Sounds like your apartment planning is going well. Hope you get good news from trust.

sharyn - E is special and what he needs most is the love he is getting from his family. I told all my kids that they may not be best at everything but there was something that they could do better than anyone else. It is OK and even good to be different. Be happy for his accomplishments. I am sure he knows you are proud of him.

glad and guest - thinking of you and your pets that have left for better places. (((((hugs))))

stacey - I know you and hubs are on an emotional and physical roller coaster ride. Keep us updated when you can. Fil is surpassing expectations - he is a tough old bird. Be sure to look after you.

trying - oh my. You are carrying a heavy load. You know your mum is going to b*tch no matter how much you do or don't do. When I realized that I quit doing the "to appease her" stuff, as there was no appeasing anyway and it was hard on me. That brought me some freedom. If it were me doing two jobs and having difficult family, I would not be doing any other outside activities.

duck - it is hard losing a good friend, but I am glad she is not suffering any more. Detach as much as you can from the toxicity at home. Sounds like you are doing better at that. Remember it is them, not you.

We stopped on the way home to see mother and she looked wonderful. She smiled as soon as she saw us. I explained I had had my right eye cataract done and she responded "That's good". I also told her that we had seen some NHs and some of them were nice and bright and had rooms like the one she is in. She took it in. I know she likes sunny bright rooms. We watched a movie with her, and then when the aide came to take her to lunch she waved good bye. She was as good as I have seen her since the Christmas before last.

R is working on the outside jobs, fence etc. I have a fire on in the fireplace - so cozy. I am seeing better from the eye that was "done" each day, but must say the astigmatism in that eye is bad. Maybe the new glasses I will get can address that better.

There is a ZIP line and other such things at the ski hill that R would enjoy so we will go out there soon. I am not one for heights but he is. There is mini golf and more that I can do, and just enjoy being out in the fresh air.

I'm very good at saying no. Hubs said yes on my behalf to a wedding invitation for people I've never met before. I'm not going cause I don't want to. Ah, so refreshing to just say no.

Yes, no means NO!

So now when I am off and go to kitchen sink and get smacked in face by nats or flies or the wasp thingies I donrt get mad. I find the source and show it to my mother let her express her innocences and blame me or whoever and then if I can stand it leave it. She gets to it. I show her and when she says well throw it out, I say I am not touching it You put it there you throw it out. I have just realized more ways she has manipulated me throughtout the years now I say no. you want it thrown out, cleaned , wiped whatever you do it. She pulls this wooden table out in the middle of the dinning room area. I don't know how many times she has done this. When she does it I am the one who say oh no not again, you know it don't work. No one else notices these things. nephew walks right past whenever he comes sister too don't question why table is upside down in middle of floor. last time she says come help put this up I told her no. Get my sister she here all day walking past it. I am eithr on my way to work or someplace. I tell her maybe this time she will remember its broke. She went to a store one day right before dark. I had cooked and gone upstairs. about three blocks around corner is a woman who knows us and stands in front of her house on a main avenue. She saw my mother and spoke and she says my mother was like ohh!! hi!!! and came across to her at which point my neightbor whom I give a couple of dollars to once in a while when I go away or for holiday because she looks out. She happened to walk up and walked my mother home. But what really got me is my mother told the woman that me and my sister watch her. So she knows and is aware of what we are trying to do even if she acts opposite. I legt early today or sunday afternoon to go to my friends memorial and then to work. She has a garbage can on a paint can. I tell her its going to fall she has to move it. Well she told me how I knocked it over and how it didn't fall until I came around. I just left and I forgot something and saw she had put it right.

I still get upset when I see how she lashes out at me when her stress levels go up. I see this crazy in my self. When I take a trip or something out of norm I get very stressed but I don't blame anyone. My nephew comes to take her to beauty parloar. I had been washinbg her hair when she let me. In the last two months my sister finally noticed this need afteryears and took herto gether hair braided. She was due for a wash and I had be coercing her for 2 weeks about washing her hair. Next I know my sister has noticed and taken her, Now I guess she probably complain to my nephew and even though he ignores me when I state I been trying to get here to let me wash her hair, I help talk her in to going to get her hair done.
So that is the dynamics of my stress I see and work on things way before they even notice a problem then when they address it I am the one who is negligent. My bitterness about that is what I am working on now.

But back to "NO". I am starting to get better at it. "NO" I am not going to allow you to disrespect or sabatoge. I call it as soon as I see it which is a lot faster now.

Trying, No is powerful word. But the power comes from what is behind it.
So people who are used walking all over us and using us don't hear it, wont understand it until we mean it.
So these past few weeks, I was getting past my normal burn out. I had to turn to God and finally got comfortable with not doing certain things. I have been Cinderella in life for a lonfg time. And my family does definitely or did leave things because they knew dumb dora (that was my given name as a child) would do it. It took me a while to adjust to letting some things go. I still feel guilty when I walk past pee in the hall when I wake up in the evening knowing my sister and my mother step all over it. I stopped feeling responsible for so much cleaning. or why no garbadge bag is in the garbage cans. Why was I going crazy? Then I see today my mother isw cleaning out garbage can and mopped the bathroom. My sister started being concerned about my mothers eating. After I broke on her when I was loosing it. Like she doesn't just need to eat when you feel like bring her something. I mean I went up and yelled thru her door . she heard because now she brings her breakfast just about every morning and dinner sometimes also. It felt good at first. Now I'm starting to feel more left out :),I know lthese moves in my mother are just temporary. Sometimes the smallest load unloaded makes a big difference.

Trying, try and do YOU*. Stress kills, it makes you sick it eat you up from inside. Glad you got to point where you see you have to have a break. I'm also glad you have a supportive husband.

I need to be needed, I found I was killing my self trying to do for others especially those who didn't appreciate.
The takers will take and take and take as long as you give and get mad when you cant or manipulate lyou to keep giving.
Givers are not takers and we have to learn how to receive. Learn to deserve to receive rest, peace, happiness, goodness. Learn to not feel guilty to receive.

We make deposits, lots of them, love to others happiness, a treat. Its okay to get a deposit or take a withdrawal when we give so much of ourselves.

Hi all. Ive been off longer than my norm. The computer on job broke down. I'm in market for a new one. The job is a HP. I have to get used to the typing, backspacing I hit other keuys that send me all over the place. #$%

Golden, I so glad your surgery went well. I kinda knew it would.

Upset congratualations!!! So there is hope?! Yay!! wish you the best.

Ali, I love your ambition and independence. I love to hear about your dates. I myself am a little scardycat when it comes to somethings. I think good people, and good spirits draw good vibes.

Ms. Madge, the pickleman? I neverheard the term but somehow I knew what you were saying. I agree one hundred percent. who knows, shoot Ali if you like his company that's the first step.

I wish, I wish.

Well this forum got me cheered up and smiling with all the good and positive happenings and truth.

I was just going to post that my girlfriends memorial service was today and that I had cried and vented in a "Whine" so I'm kind of worn out and then I read one thing and was like "What!!" I go back and was like "Really", back further" how nice"/ Then "Interesting", or "I wish".

Well!!! It was refreshing and uplifting to be in the glow of the spirit here.

Rays of light and love to you all.

Send, Been there, done that with not saying no. It took a LONG time but I finally learned. But No is a complete sentence.

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Thank you Ali! Your words were very helpful. Funny how we need to hear things over and again. I KNOW these things and I am quick to give the same advice to others but it's so easy to forget it for myself. Gonna go check YouTube :)

Trying, I listen to a few positive, self-help type things but can't think of one that addresses guilt, specifically. My go-to way of finding something in this situation is to put certain key words into YouTube's search field and see what turns up. There are several things that say they are "affirmations to let go of guilt" on YouTube.

Sounds like you have some changes you must make in order to avoid jumping up for everyone else's needs except your own. You can only do so much and... like you said, you're already feeling the burden is too much and getting resentful. I hope you find a good affirmation. The ones on YouTube look to be a place to start. :-)

"Sometimes 'No' is a complete sentence." --There's the first mantra for ya. ;-) Good luck reclaiming some of your time and energy. It's important! YOU have to be ok or YOU can't be there for anyone else.

Once again I am hopelessly behind here :( I read back a bit and;

Golden- glad the surgery is done and you are on the mend.

Upset- congrats!!! How exciting, I'm so happy for you.. Gorgeous ring.

Stacey- End of life caregiving is in it's own category, it takes a special person to take it on it as you have. Your FIL is blessed to have you and Charlie girl too. I hear Ali's concerns. Things will likely get more intense and all consuming as his time draws closer. It's easy to slip into a state where you are running on adrenaline and pushing yourself beyond your limits. Whatever you decide make sure you take care of you.

Not much has changed with me except I had a mini break down last week. I'm working a full time job and a part time job, on Saturdays I cook a bunch of food and bring it out to Mom and Dad then listen to Mom complain and berate me for not doing more for them and on Sundays I teach RE at our church. Every where I go people want me to do more... school, parents, sis, church.... I just couldn't take it. I ended up snapping at my boss and my Mom and a fellow church member. Not good.

My husband sat down with me and we brainstormed about how I can lighten my load in a way that feels OK to me. I'm going to call Mom no more than four times a week and really stick to it this time. I will continue to do RE but not help create the lesson plans. I am going to actively look for another job and I will call in sick and take a mental health day if I need to. I'm also not going to make any plans for Sunday afternoon so I can chill if I need to. Most of all I'm going to work on the guilt feelings that are creeping back into my life. Anyone know of a good affirmation tape that addresses guilt? I had one years ago but lost it. It really helped.

Golden- Hope your recovery is going well. Enjoy the fall colors. We're headed toward peak colors here. A cool day here and there.

Thanks Rainey - I got lucky!

Madge, We're looking at the Bellagio, Wynn, Venetian and Mandalay Bay. All of my family wedding planners have attended weddings at these places. My ex's nephew got married at Bellagio. His wife sent me pics and it was very simple, but beautiful. PJ and I will decide. It will be on Sunday 11/19/17 at 2:00 with reception and then a formal dinner that night. On Monday we're headed to Disneyland for 4 nights. All of the kids - college-grade school are out of school for the week for Thanksgiving.

Upset
Are you looking at hotels on the strip ? Or, the wedding party can take a helicopter to the Grand Canyon for the ceremony

I think the hotel del Coronado in San Diego is the ideal place for a wedding- it was featured in the old some like it hot movie with Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon and Marilyn Monroe

Congratulations!