The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Duck, happy belated!

Guest, the dog, I think it is different if you are alone. Macy was my constant companion. If I was one that cared to travel, maybe someday, my kids are all close enough now, that I am sure they would help out with a dog. When we got Macy, we asked if we could foster, she was a rescue. That organization would not foster, they want to find permanent homes. I really would prefer an adult, no house training, etc. Macy was perfect, that also holds me back, there will never be another one. But, it would have been nice if she enjoyed water more, would play ball more than twice, and was not so terrified of storms. There is not a perfect dog, I suppose.

Margeaux, always good to see you posting.

Idaho appears to be the only state with 2 bicycle laws 1) ridingon the street, a bicycleist must stop at a stop sign/ red light can proceed on the red if safe in order to clear bicycles out of the intersection. 2) bicyclists can ride on the sidewalks but must obey laws as a vehicle. Crazy!

Glad, I can understand you wanting another pup. Pups do require time and consistency. If you kennel train while at work, walk and play with them it shouldn't be a problem. Buster is not my dog, I would do things different than hubs. I bought butter apple to keep him away from Midget. She is 9 and was not socailuzed once my mom got her. We will be starting puppy training at pet smart next month. I leach trained buster in just a couple sessions by putting him on the leach and using treats in front of him to get him to walk. Goldens are very intelligent so you can easily teach them. If you are up to it, get a golden puppy, they are worth it but be prepared for the first 3 years.

Er Golden the OR staff are probably up to your games and will have polish remover handy!
originally the idea of no nail polish was so the anesthesiologist to look and see if they were blue and your oxygen level was low. I thought they were way beyond that so it may be a hold over and you will get away with it.
I am having my second eye done in the morning 6.30 am arrival. I was told no make up and no eye make up for one week prior. Don't get eye drops till I get there. I had to sanitize my eye lids for 1 week. Well I was only told on Monday so I have done the best I can. looks as though it will cost me several hundred $s for a procedure that medicare is supposed to cover free plus a pair of glasses. The crappy frames were free but the lenses cost $50 each.
The good news that our monthly ins has only increase $5 for next year and some of the co-pays have been reduced in many cases. I am sure there are some hidden expenses that will appear. For example they say some tests must now be pre-approved except in emergency.
I hate to admit it but I have received good value from Medicare given the very expensive care i have recieved over the past few years.

Stacey, sorry that you're going through this really tough part with your FIL. Thats really hard.
I hope you get the rest you need today, after not having much sleep. You're in my thoughts.

About the bullying online, or trolls......I agree they do feel brave, WHY? Because we aren't face to face with them.
Your little doggie is adorable! I used to have Chihuahua's as a kid. Good dogs! Little noisy, but good.

Glad, Thanks for your kind words some pages ago, about my being missed. I miss all of you also, and it's just been one tumultuous summer, last few mos. for me. I'll write about it later. Big Hugs!

Sharynmarie, yes those people in Texas and now Florida, WHOAH! I cannot even begin to imagine what those people are going through and yet have to contend with.

Golden, so happy to hear about the outcome of the claim adjustment, and to hear you're having some fun down south. Good restaurants help, if the rooms are iffy, don't they! Oh......I could sure use a hot tub just about now.

Ali, Good for you, walking out on that groper! You are moving right along in a great way, sorting out the paper work. Here's to you being able to collect all that is coming to you my dear.

Gee......everyone, I'm catching up again, so w/dock in a little later.

Big Hugs to all,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So I take dad to my club meeting (he is technically a member didn't pay his dues this year) the other night. It gets him out. So one of the members thought we should all introduce ourselves since we have some new members. Say a little it about ourselves. Dad was second up. So he starts and then says he was a contractor until he retired, then he said "Until he gave my stilts and tools away" Pointing to me. Then he goes into how he loves to cook, cooks all the time. Yet he only cooks when he has a crowd who lauds him with praise. He cooks (makes potato salad and cookies) for the church and his lodge but yet wont even make an egg at home,. He wont cook for the people who buy all the food he cooks for everyone else or the food he eats! It was so much for me to keep my mouth shut. These are my friends at the club, I bring him so he gets out and then he throws a dig to me in front of my friends. They didn't get it but I surely heard it. Funny, he tells the family I wont let him do anything. Hmmmmm, he is such a great cook how come you dont cook at home? I have offered for him to cook.
Tired and exhausted.... He can barely walk, uses a cane at home has to hold on to things but out in public not a limp..... He walks slow but the man can put on a show in front of people. he tells everyone he "cooks gourmet"............. tired, just tired. I cook every night and I dont even get a thank you...... not that I need one......

stacey - I assume it is implanted lenses, but I have astigmatisms so my vision will not be made perfect by them. I will settle for an improvement. So glad your paperwork has been productive. It takes a while for sure. Hope fil is continuing to be more peaceful. Glad you got out for a bit.

ali -hope you hear from the Trustee soon, Sorry abut your mum and the many times she left you standing, I think you are wise to take stuff there yourself. I also think you are entitled to a pity party and to vent all you like. Re stuff - there comes a point where cutting the losses is the best thing to do.

pamz - horror is the right word. Having to show ID to pic up your kid - another world.

(((((((guest))))) so sorry about your dog. I know the time comes and it is a very hard decision, The staff have always been good when I have had to do that. I know your son will feel the loss. Glad you are able to detach from fil and mil and the games.

upset ((((((hugs))))) I could write a book about being let down, but not in the way ali shared.

send -sorry your mum//family was like that too

jessie -nice thought, I won't know which one to hug first.

duck - so frustrating to go through all the time trying to make things better and having then torn apart. Glad you had a good birthday after all. Your mum sang. So touching!!!!!

glad -I know you are missing Macy. I am happy you are looking at another pet. Yes we do get to be more independent when our parents let us down. It is not altogether a bad thing in the end.

Ultrasound came back normal. My bones need a little more calcium, (not bad) so I am on 2000 Vit D and 1000 mg Calcium daily. I know my dietary intake has been low since I had to cut dairy out out of my diet due to allergies. My last bone density test was OK (6 years ago) and I don't have most of the risk factors. The big difference is the lack of intake. I don't take in enough iron either but never have had a problem with that. I will up my weight bearing exercise by walking more, take the Ca and Vit D, and see what happens. It will take a year or two to see a difference. I am pleased to be as well off as I am.

Waiting for the drugstore to call as they did not have all the eye drops I need and I am late in starting them. They were due in this morning. The instructions for surgery include no nailpolish. I understand no makeup but nail polish??? I got mine done last week so I will turn up with my orange sparkles and say it is not nail polish it is gel. I wonder if he will refuse to do surgery because of my nails?

Gotta go and pack Have a good day everyone.

Glad, hubs and I have 2 cats (who are missing Sarah and acting out...) and are thinking about waiting to get another dog. We want to be able to travel and see our son more and having a dog makes that difficult. Having a dog that loved 2 cats was much harder:) You might consider being a foster mom - the rescue groups are always looking for folks to help and that would be a confined space of time. That way if you are wanting to travel and see your kiddos or just enjoy life post CG, it might be a resolution. The one option I talked with hubs about is that we are NOT going to host his parents' dog if FIL needs care.
BTW, it's working to feign disinterest in FIL and MIL. Hubs called MIL to check in and actually gave me an update. She is now walking with walker around facility and "her tremors are so much better that she is surprised that she needs facility". Hm. FIL is now amenable to changing her catheter bag so that she and he can travel and go places together and she can get out more-maybe even go home. Hm. One of her friends came to visit and they had so much fun. She is so lonely it was great to have someone thoughtful come and spend time with her. FIL is having CT scan of chest and needs oxygen 24/7 in MIL's opinion (the O2 I actually concur). But there is nothing special going on. I looked at hubs and my only comment was that most doctors don't order CT scans for no reason as they aren't paid for by Medicare otherwise. Tra-la-la. That was my only input. Hubs doesn't know what scan is for, he didn't ask. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

I will be off line for a few days but boy oh boy did I miss my AC people. The last I was on there was discouragement expressed by some of the most awesome posters on board. I am glad they are still here. Because it is these very same posters who paved the sway to my understanding and learning about the levels and steps in aging and dementia and caregiving. It was here where I gopared and thus was not shocked intoblivion when stuff happended. With these posters sharing their utmost inner most pain helping me to deal with my own, I am so glad to see that they are still here fighting the good fight and inspiring hope. Thanks guys you are a blessing.
I post my crazy and it helps me. The feedback helps me. Its real talk, this is life.

I apologize if I have missed or seem oblivious to some events. I have been off almost two weeks. I have not caught up. I tried on my phone its too tedious and time consuming, sometimes I dont have the patience.
Well to update, I am still inl a good place spiritually and mentally what ever came over me a couple a weeks ago is still in effect. My birthday on the 1st was nice. I had to work the next day so I cut my options down. I made a great dinner which I doanyway on my days off , for my lunch when I work. But here isthe best part of my birthday. I thought of the AC family as each event occurred..
1st it was my 2nd and last day off, I go to laundry, low and behold! the guy that works there is born same day and year, how often do we come across someone born the same exact day and year.
2nd, I bought a little cake and as I divided the food and prepared my lunch bag and my mothers plate, I cut the cake. So my mother was like this is a birthday cake and I say yes its my birthday. She mumbles well that wasnt nice not to tell anyone. In my head I was like for what? Anyways as I am fixing plates she started singing happy birthday and it was the best I ever heard her sing and it was oh such music to my ears. That was something I think the last hear her sing happy birthday was in 1999 when I took the boys to disney world, I guess she and my sister decided theey should do something.

But anyways that made my day. I had a few cocktails in my girlfriends honor the day before and in my honor the next day I enjoyed some pedch cream wine. I went on utube found a bunch of oldies got lost in memories and had a good time by myself.
My girlfriend next dove me a bag of these luscious chocolates.oh boy I can barely bend over to put on a shoe.
Earlier I got news and I went into tears when I thought to call my girlfriend. She was always support and gave no nonsense advise. We had just reconnected afgter off and on a little over two years ago and she was just full of awesome advice. Anyway I am so greatful for some of my prayers being answered and getting a better perspective on this care giving thing dealing with my sister and mother.
The issues and dysdfunction is still there in the whole family. My son left some nice things to giveto my nephew who is not working, the oldest. We just hugged and professed love always, he said he wanted and now I get not anwer when I call of text and he hasnt picked up clothes I packed and put infront of my door where he can clearly see them. Been there about three weeks. He said he wanted them but I think he was just saying that. So there is a young, well older guy who helped my son when he got my bedroom set out of storage before I lost it. I'd lost his number but everytime I see him heask if I have soork or know of someone who does. Ran into him he says he will be grateful for anytheing. So guess what Im calling him this week to pick them up pluss other stuff. I alwyas wanted to tipp him anyway when he helped my son move all that stuff but I couldnt. Now I can so I will.
So I was feeling funny about waiting on my nephew and I realized the last time I got him a xmas gift he never picked it up even after I told him and showed him and he said the same thing he woulget them. jMy sister has those boys poisoined, probably against each other. Did I ever mention she and my mother are a day apart. Mother is 5/21 and sister is the 22nd whew! $%#No offense intended to anyone.

Guest and Lizzy, sorry about your pooches. I had to put Macy down last Thursday. I miss her so much everyday. I am close enough to work that I came home to visit and let her out every day for lunch. Now it is just so lonely. Good thing I have all of you!😉

I am thinking about a pup. Macy was a rescue dog six or seven when I got her. Have had her five years, not long enough. Do not know if I have the energy for a pup. Sharyn, how is it going with that new gr pup of yours? There is a breeder here with pups ready the end of next week. Thinking about AKC certified less of a chance of hip problems later. But if it is not hips it would be something else. And AKC was shocked at the cost! 2750? Geez pet quality is probably very good. But thinking about showing her is an interesting thought too. But, again the energy.

Ali, my mom was much the same way as yours. She never showed up when I thought she would when I was a kid. Joys of having wild single moms. It tends to make us more independent than we should be or want to be. We do not want to open ourselves up to future hurt and disappointment to anyone. Too much vulnerability. Leads to so much sarcasm. If we can joke about it with our sarcasm then it does not hurt as much. Right?

Ali sorry about the disapointment from your mother. Our every wish is that it does. I hear you about the chaos and disafpointment even when its "not" intentional. I put quotes because in my mothers case the innocent face and acting is phenomenal you never know even when you see it if you want to believe its not so she will have an action that will give that out. anyway I used to think that she just naturally sabatoges things I do or plan. I put something straigt she tears it apart. I get a container to keep bread fresh I find batteries dirty forks crumbs and cant find the top. Things I looked high and low for months past, suddenly show up.
Ali dont worry your pretty head, youve given fair advance advice on your plans and options. Do what works for you. They are probably waiting for you to do your magic and bring it too them like maybe they are used to that.
Guest I am sorry about your dog. Ive lost a few it hurts bad every time. Named most after my first dog. This namesake is so very old. and he is so sweet and spoiled. He cant jump on me now which was so agravvating. He too fat with all these parties he and my mother have. I wish you well they are such loving good companions. Sometimes I think they are more than that.

Thanks all. Just a capper to a difficult year. Sarah was such a good girl. Hubs and I were a team caring for her. Dogs appreciate what you do, they love unconditionally. They ask for very little and rarely complain. I just worry about son but we will make it. Peace out and thanks for all the love for our girl. She has a new pack to run with..

Guest, I am so sorry to read that your dog has crossed to the other side. I like to think that when they get across the bridge that they have a healthy new body and can play again. The suffering can get so bad when they are sick. I am glad that she is in peace now.

Guest, I am so sorry about your pup.. keep all the good thoughts going and remember the fun times!

Guest,
Sorry your doggy has finished her earthly life, and you will be missing her.
It is good that your hubs stood up for her needs and yours.

Ali,
My entire family operates the way your Mother does.
There comes a time when they have had enough chances to behave decently or treat you right.
It is sad that they act this way towards you.
So sorry!

((((Hugs)))) to You Guest, our furry family is so hard to say good bye to. I'm sure these pups are are enjoying time together at the rainbow bridge.

I think it's ok to have a pity party now and then. My version of it is to let out all my stresses and weep, whatever it takes to let it all out.

Ali, I know the disappointment of being let down by one's mother. I always thought this time she'll come thru. I'm not sure I ever really learned that lesson that it was never going to happen. Today seems to be a pity party day for me too.

My car is packed up and I'm heading down to Indy. It's only a couple of hours drive. I really need to learn this lesson: NO ONE is helping me clean up this house. No one has been there to help during the past 6 years, no one is going to help now. I keep saying "it's almost over." I have to keep believing that things will change, that I'll live a more self focused life very soon. :-/ Anyway, off I go, no more waiting on someone else to do anything to help. And... I think more and more about just cutting losses. If the Trust will come through with any amount of money for reimbursement, it would make the decision to let it all go that much easier, but really... what's the price for peace of mind? Not sure. This is a process. I'm getting through it. :-)

Called and left voicemail for new Trustee contact today, asked that she confirm she is receiving my emails.

Hope you guys have a decent day! It's good weather here and hopefully drive will go just fine.

Guest,
So sorry about your pup. I hope my GW (chocolate lab) is there to meet your pup and show him the ropes. I had to let him go the 3rd week of June just a week shy of his 15th birthday. He was one hardy Lab and the best dog EVER. It's so hard to make the decision to let them go. I had never had to do that before.

I am typing and shedding a few tears for the both of us.

Guest, so sorry about your doggo. Thinking about Sarah and Macy romping around with young bodies across the rainbow bridge.

Yesterday, I almost *ALMOST* posted a bit of a vent about my mother.   I had some thoughts rolling around my brain about how she causes chaos, seemingly without "meaning" to do so, but I typed the words and then deleted it because... I'm so grateful that she is helping, but... her help is always problematic! After a discussion yesterday, she said she would take the seats out of her van and drive up the couple of hours and take back things that she wants and that my bro's want.  It will fit in her vehicle, will not all fit in my smaller car.  She was supposed to come up yesterday. Then she said she come this morning. This morning I don't hear from her, so I call her. It's 12:30 pm her time, she said she will come up tonight. That was AFTER she asked if she could come up on Thursday instead. This is AFTER she has been telling me for MONTHS that she wants to come up and get some things, and we've played this game for months now where she names a day, then retracts and changes her mind, she "can't" come, she has too much work. Thing is -- I get it! I'm sympathetic. But... I'm at a point where I'll just as soon throw every single thing out (besides heirlooms) if the Trust will reimburse my receipts...

So who knows when/if she's coming. And she plays this game with me since I was a child. I'm waiting on her, counting on her, grateful for her "help"... But she's not there. I was the last kid in my college dorm to be picked up for Thanksgiving holiday one year. My mom was supposed to be there to get me hours earlier, it was an hour away from where she lived. She showed up around midnight. The staff had to wait with me to be able to shut the building for the holiday. I'm just TIRED of her behavior. I'm so sick of being hurt and disappointed by how chaotic she is! She is ALWAYS like this. I wish I didn't need ANYONE'S help with ANYTHING because relying on others is just not something that seems to work well for me. :'( Yeah, I might be having a little pity party. Darn it! She and my bros make me so mad. They're so incredibly self centered.

Guest, I'm sorry for loss of your dog. Always difficult. My cat died of kidney cancer several years ago.

hey all, hubs and I took our pup on the last ride to vet today. Her liver disease finally got the worst of her and she could not stand on her own today. Hubs is leaving at noon on business trip and he was worried about what might happen if she went down and I was alone (70 lbs and after double mastectomy I can't live that much limp weight). Wonderful vet and staff - very supportive and thoughtful. hey glad maybe she and her buddy L will find your girl on the other side of rainbow bridge. She was a Good Dog.

Thank you Ali!! I think I allow myself to become too comfortable. Yes a harsh word is sometimes needed. I am not good at that part of communication. My example is... not to be tit for tat but to help someone out, I would like to send An email back saying thank you for the sample letter. It was very helpful and appreciated. I must say that it brings to mind our neighbor who asked us if we had experienced treatment due to our liscense plates. Funny how words can leave a bad taste. Unfortunately, I would feel horrible being so blunt.  His first words to us, have you been treated badly with the California plates?  

9-11 was my day off after 3 x 12, so I had slept in a bit. Hubs had left to take daughter to school. As I fixed my coffee and stared at the TV, at first I thought hubs had left a movie on,, then I figured it out. Then my cousin called, he had been on his way to the Pentagon for a conference,, detoured to our house for the day. Then the hospital called to see if I could come in if they needed me ( thought we would get causualties from the Pentagon). I was so upset Hubs and cousin went to get daughter from school, along with about all the other parents from our small town! First time ever we had to show ID to pick up kids, and they said the line was long! We just all stared at the TV all day, in horror.

Oh, so many things resonate.

Stacey ~ All that paperwork for VA and home aides and and and! I was going through a small mountain of it today, packing most up to go to my father's new place for his records, but was able to throw some out which felt great. Hang in there. I'm thinking of you and your situation often. Good job on getting the paperwork done.

Sharyn ~ I think I've changed much in past 6 years of caregiving life. I look back to emails I sent in 2011-12, and I still had this bit of sarcasm in me towards people who I thought of as dragging their feet on things that I perceived was their job, etc. I think the experience here has changed me with regard to communicating with a bit of sarcasm when I feel it's warranted in a professional capacity. I'm not sure that one way or another is "right." Speaking one's mind is generally a good thing and sometimes a harsh word can get results. Fortunately or unfortunately.


I emailed the temporary replacement Trustee this morning to inquire about status of my receipts. *Crickets* so far. I hope I don't run into a wall here but too early to tell. I keep busy doing the things that need doing here at house. I had planned to drive a carload of things to Indianapolis today but after discussion with my mom, she is coming up with her seats removed from her van, and I'll have things ready to go back with her to bro's house, her house, and to my dad. I don't like putting things on my mother. I wish either of my bros would step up. I've learned that they won't. Me and mom will get by... and... in some ways, at least until the next falling out, it's nice to have a time where mom and I are working together and getting along. I do give her more and more understanding these days in general. I see her personality better, understand more of what sets her off and pushes her buttons. I would like an easier life for her. I think she will never have an easy life, it's not in her personality, as she is used to drama and chaos and I think, somehow, it works for her. ...just some thoughts about my mom. If I had it my way, my BROTHERS would be helping finalize estate and helping my mom, but they aren't and won't. I'm grateful she is willing though I worry she takes on way too much.

09/11... such a difficult day. I was living in Las Vegas. I couldn't bear to stay in my apartment so I went out and openly let some tears fall in public -- not on purpose, but just as I was out at an eatery, watching the news coverage on the overhead tv. It was better than being alone. Seemed everyone understood, at least no one said anything.

Upset, Rainey, GA, Barb, Book et al... Hiya! It's a somber time in the world as these hurricanes do their business and we all reflect on 9/11, but I hope you're having a decent day in your corner of the world. Many (((((hugs))))) all around.

Stacey, will you PM me the name of the hospice company you're using? Your recommendation means a lot, and I may at some time have to go this route...hopefully not this year though, but as next year proceeds it might be necessary. Thanks.

And congratulations on getting the Aid & Attendance! Good work!

Thanks Golden, yet I know I have phrase words better and not respond because I'm stressed or feel obligated.

I remember a. Boss brought a tv to work on 9/11. I refused to watch the footage, it was too emotional for me. I watched at home so I could be myself in my home. My do- worker didn't understand why. I didn't feel safe in their presence. I explained the next day that I didn't want to get emotional at work. Yes an emotional day.

Hi All, just checking in to see how you all are doing, and to give you an update!

Golden, so happy to hear that you are finally getting your Cataracts taken care of! I'm guessing that the eye drops may be some form of pre-surgery antibiotics? It's going to be great for you to be able to see great again, once this surgery is behind you! Are they putting in implanted lenses? I'm guessing those work somewhat like contact lenses, making your vision perfect!

UpsetSister, yay, I'm glad you are getting out and having some fun, as Girl, You are a hard worker who is always so busy with getting your New Caregivers site up and running! You are a force to be reckoned with, and the world needs more people just like You!

On the same topic, we have the most Amazing Hospice team working for my FIL, and US Too! Just this morning we've had the Lovely Chaplain in, and she played the flute for my FIL, it was really beautiful! Next up, our Nurse was in, checking him over after our whirlwind weekend of Cognitive changes that have been occurring of late. He was really struggling with his thoughts and putting them to words this morning which is another new change, but we will continue to roll with the punches, at least he had a very good night's sleep again last night, and so did I!

Then, our very nice SW called in, to go over the possibility of having a Home Health Aide in a few hours per week, and she will help me with the ppwk to get that started at her visit this coming Wednesday.

On a good note, we recieved the Awards Letter Confirming the VA Aid and Attendance Pension benifits that I have been working on for a few months, and he recieved 2 months back pay for the time that he was living in the Assisted living place, and his new benifits will roll over seamlessly, now that he is back in our home and on Hospice, Whew! Ppwk Ppwk and More Ppwk! It never ends I tell ya!

Unfortunately, I haven't had any time to even check the news today to see how bad the damage this darn Hurricane has caused. I know it's horrific, but just how bad I guess is yet to be determined as it's still going on and affecting So Many People! I feel so bad, it's hard to imagine having your lives affected in such a horrible way! The most I've ever lived through is a couple of minor Earthquakes and when Mount Saint Helens blew her top! And even then, our winds prevented most of the ash from coming our direction, but the Eastern half of our state was devastated, though still nothing like what Hurricane Irma is doing to the SE!

I will continue to Pray along side all of you, in hopes that that lives are spared and that everyone affected gets the emergent and long term help that is needed!

Thinking of you all, and hope you are doing well! ❤❤❤

PS, I am getting out for a couple of hours on my own, as my hubby is driving me crazy, Lol, as he is changing out the knobs and deadbolt on our front door, and thinks that I need to hear blow by blows of every freaking step he makes! Uggg, Calgon, take me Away! I'll bet you don't know where I'm headed? KaChing!🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🙄😄😆😃😉😊😍😀😁😊😋