The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Jessie, so sorry you experienced and witnessed this bullying. I was told off a few years back for placing my mom in memory care. Much of this comes from being judgmental and not wanting to realize situations are not black and white.

New caregivers to the site should be given patience and understanding. They will ask the same questions others have asked many times before them. Searching for their topic of concern, is not easy to locate. I only bring this up as I have seen new caregivers told the info is on the site search for it.

Upset, I see your point re starting a online support group. You can refer them to this site. Given the issues that comes up between caregivers, I still think this site is very helpful and supportive.

Thanks all for the condolenses.

Praise God!!!!!! I am happy for you Golden, Justice at last. Golden I don't do change well I was thrown for a minute looking for the horse :) Happy for you!!

Ali I hear you. Its just that some people use drug addict or psych to scandalize others in someones elses eyes. Its sad that those words will actually change a persons view or treatment of another without even knowing the validity.
Like one time I gave in and rented the downstairs apartment in my sister's boyfriend house he supposedly bought for her and her children. I had been loaning him money every payweek to help pay his mortage. My mother had done something outrageous, I didn't really want to go there but he came down on the rent back then it was 700. Three years later I was layed off. They closed the group homes under the agency I worked for. So I only paid half my rent. He took me to court for 350 dollars. The judge gave me 5 or 6 months to pay it. He and my sister harassed me did vile stuff. One day he fixing possible violations in my place and started disrespecting me about why my then sorry and abusive boyfriend (but I didn't see it)ditnt pay the rent he fk@@gme kind of stuff.I cursed him real bad, the neighbor next door said I scared her because she had never heard me talk like that. Yeah my sister did the ma thing but with him. I told them that they were not going to disrespect me and my house. I call the police. Sister met the officer at door told him my bIL was a correction officer and I was not paying rent. That PO was so condescending and disrespectful, I told him I am the one who called the police. I got his badge number and made aformal complaint at precinct.
Just seeing the viciousness when people do that. On the other hand it seems to slap them back in the face. Because I ended up living there rent free for six months.
Actually I am supposed to be trying to forget these memories.... shut my mouth.

Will be going off line for a few. Tomarrow I am cocking my tail to my girlfriend. We used to spend long nights drinking barcardy and jamming )(good music) and talking and laughing lots of time on phone. She lived downstairs.She would formally invite me and my son to dinner. He was like one or so and make steak with fresh spinach and potato salad. Alsways delicious. When I graduated from the EMS Academy I had my party at her house. She stayed on when we moved. Anyways I will celebrate her tomarrow then figure out what I am going to do for my birthday I have to work the next day usually low key and just me anyway. God Bless All. Healing Rays of Light and Favor to all.

Upset, I lost my dad to suicide gosh, 50 years ago this next month. Not a day goes by that he doesn't cross my mind. Slowly, ever so slowly a loss like that takes a different place in the mind. Used to be I would shake my head and try to figure out why. He was a broken man. He felt hopeless. But most of all he was mentally ill. I think they all are to be able to do such a thing.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

I've noticed the group is getting more judgmental. A new person came on yesterday and got chewed up by a couple of the regular posters. It was like kicking a dog. I wrote something, but it got buried in all the negativity. And the regular members wrote to the woman that it was her fault that brought it down on her head. I have noticed that quite often here lately. There is one member who is lording it over people that they owe their family member care because she cared for several family members. When someone is having trouble and bad feelings, the last thing they need to hear is this type of judgment.

When I read of people who are perfect caregivers with perfect families, I want to ask them why in the world they needed a support group, then. I know people can be artificially perfect online. To tell the truth, if they treat the people they care for the way they treat people here, I feel sorry for the care receiver.

Duck, I'm sorry about your friend. My best friend committed suicide a couple of months ago. The loss has been difficult. Especially, because I can't understand why. I wonder why she had so little hope that she felt that was her only option.

DDuck, Great response. You have good insight. Venting is what I needed and still need occasionally. My brother and I are going to family therapy. I think at times I'm there to hold his hand. Occasionally, I need some hand holding myself. He

I hope I didn't sound harsh. I just get real tight when it comes to unfairness and intentional sabataoge.
I keep thinking of my girlfriend. Same feelings only before I hurt inside because I knew she was suffering. Same memories. I am so glad that because of my life experience I was able to tell her many times over and over how I felt. What she meant to me. She shared that with me. Her enthusiasm to fight and fight she did. As a person in the field of medicine its hard to watch knowing it may take a miricale and that miricles happen. Her first fight was awesome, everything amazed the doctors. This last fight was too and her accepting the fact that the end is near is a personal thing. All I could do was tell her how much I loved her. Sometimes it was hard to call b3ecausee I didn want her to hear what was in my voice. I didn't want to cry. Every time I saw her I cried even when she was not so bad. I told her I cant take the pain away so let me do this or that. When she moved to her sister she said my suns and flowers and kisses were enough the made her feel better. She was sorry she couldn't talk sometimes and was glad I understood and I was glad she understood. RIP Big Sister.

A/C has been awesome for me. I understand how you feel Glad/Upset/TRying. It does have a different feel. As for the bullying and shutting down. This site is too full of good for that type of negativity to prosper. It wont. The good aspects flourish with the good people like you and some many others. Who give honest, truthful advise or talk about some serious aspects in our lives. The devil is always busy. That's why a lot of us are here. the enemy does not want us to get our full blessings or for us to bless others. Our loved ones who are open become pawns and vessels for this evil. I have seen some things some things slip right past me. But just like in life the enemy exists here also.

The thing that helps me is venting. The thing that helps me is understanding and seeing and learning though other posters. I got a lot of heads ups here. No one of us is perfect. Some have more experience and better gab or are wiser. But the thing is that what ever gift someone has it may help another move on to a better understanding, may change their lives. I cant keep up with every personal history, I try but I am basically moved by the spirit. I see peoples tag name and I am glad to see them after a while. I don't have a heaven or hell to put anyone in. No one here or anywhere else does either. I do know the enemy get us to feel incompetent, wrong, f:&^kd up sometimes. But we post and we post and then we see others going thorugh the same. We just have to ignore what we feel is an attack. Take what works for us and bypass the negativity.
Then we also have to be open to constructive criticism or gentle criticism. I basically know destructive and consdescension. Some people get mad cause you didn't listen. We all move and understand at our on pace and and experience.
It is the love and understanding and acceptance on this site that makes it powerful.
I have been bullied all my life. After a while it gets old. People who need to do the bullying and shutting out are just children and narcissists trying to establish a kingdom of fools. Who else will follow?.

A friend in Ohio steered me to AC when I was at the end of my rope with my Mom and brother last year. She's on various threads - I have no idea of her screen name and she does not know mine. We don't discuss AC. She was used to online forums; I had zero experience on a forum like this. As therapists neither of us were comfortable with discussing family. problems with a co-worker therapist.

I've had a fair experience on the site, but I can see where it might be difficult for some. My situation with my totally weird family is draining at times and I lose focus. There are so many backstories and at times I'm clueless as to what someone is discussing. At other times I can see why someone logging on for the first time might not share their story, because there is less a feeling of anonymity than one of close friendships and shared interests. I'm not sure if I logged on as a newbie now  how I would feel. There seems to be a shift in the the thread, but maybe that is just my perception as my own situation has evolved. 

As the caregiver center plans progress, I have been asked to start a website such as this. I have declined for several reasons. First, and foremost is the fact that we have a physical location. We have adequate space and staff for both group and individual therapy. Tied into that is the online bullying issue. Those who have more experience with an online presence have shared the problems with bullying, shutting out of individuals, etc. All of those I've talked with have pointed to the anonymity of the web makes it safe to bully, There are enough bullies out there without me providing them a safe space in which to operate.

I think AC is a good site,  if the web is the option you seek, or the only option available to your individual circumstance. It's been helpful to me.

Trying, I got the finger wagging as well. But that poster seldom is here any more. But I have seen some regulars here act deplorably to others when they are going through very hard times. I do not get it at all, and they know who they are. There is never an excuse to treat anyone that way, especially a caregiver that is struggling.

My aunt said it was scary. She's lived in Houston for many years; said she had never seen anything like it in all of her Gulf Coast hurricanes. She said the Houston Fire Dept was great in both of her evacuations. She said her son had helped her get ready, so she had ID, insurance cards, credit and debit cards, medications, etc. all packed and ready for her to leave. She said as soon as she realized she was going to move again, she put her stuff in a plastic tote that zipped up and kept in her lap. She said the majority of people had nothing. I went out this afternoon and bought her a few clothes so she wouldn't have to go out to shop. She said she told the fireman after she fell that maybe she didn't have the mobility she thought she had. I have to get her to an ortho appointment to have her shoulder checked ASAP 
. They didn't do x-rays - just put her in a sling once they knew she was moving away from the area.

So happy to hear that Golden!

Ahhh...forum bullies. I do believe the anonymity aspect emboldens people to act out in ways they never would if they were face to face with someone.

When I first came to AC I got slammed by a couple people and received a few lecture-y responses from others. My problem was not a do-nothing sibling but the exact opposite, a controlling, "my way only" sister who assumed the role of dictator.

It was a very hard time for me. I was struggling with how to be of service to my parents but in a way that I could live with. I came here thinking I would find a safe place to open up about my situation. I needed to set boundaries and limits and was not sure how to do that. I was not prepared for the finger wagging that came from a few of the posters. Thank goodness I didn't let the thoughtless words of a few chase me away. I did find support here, particularly on this thread. It's been a tough four years but made easier by you all.

It is devasting. My heart breaks as well.

Every time I see the news, tears come to my eyes. Those first responders are exhausted. I just cannot imagine! Prayers for all in the Houston area and now possibly Louisiana.

I'm glad to do it for her. She lived with us a couple of times when her husband was deployed overseas. He was in the Air Force and did three tours in Vietnam. She's a sweet lady.

Upset, awesome you can help your aunt. Texas is having quite a time of it with this hurricane.

Ali, You're making progress.

I'm back in caregiving - temporarily. My dad's younger sister, age 88 lives in Houston. She was evacuated from her senior apt. on Thursday to another ALF. On Sunday she had to be evacuated again. She has 3 children all in shelters with their families. My aunt during the second evacuation slipped, fell and broke her collar bone. They called and asked if she could stay with me for a few weeks so that she wouldn't have to be in a shelter. My brother and I agreed she should come stay with us until my cousins make arrangements for her and themselves new living space. They're all retired. They know they want to stay in Texas, but not near the coast. My aunt went thru evacuations 10 years ago with Hurricane Rita. She stayed with my Mom for about a month then. She arrives here at 10:15. She told me all she wanted was a good hot shower and comfy bed. She said the shower at shelter was timed and almost no pressure, but that she was lucky to be at one that had a shower. She's one of my favorite relatives. 

Really good news, Golden! Very pleased for you.

Thank you, Upset. These receipts, and what I was ever going to do with them if anything, has been something rattling around my brain for years. It will feel great to have it all resolved as best as I can.

I thought I was wrapping up the receipts but then I noticed some mistakes this morning when I went over some work my friend had helped with. It's not her fault -- I have to look at everything and make sure it's correct. She didn't know that some personal items on the receipts had to come out of the totals. I had to recopy and re-total some things. I'm working on a final new total. They'll have to go in to the Trust tomorrow.

That's good news about the claim Golden.

Aha! Just got a call from the Claims manage who was bending over backwards to accommodate us They have approved the whole claim and made some concessions regarding certain items so our total will be greater than we expected.
We will go through his offer when we get home and likely accept it.

Whew!!!

Just checking in from sunny hot (30+)southern AB. Haven't been able to keep up well with posts. Had a couple of very interesting days driving around and sightseeing. Writing-on-Stone was great, The hoo doos are the best I have seen. We found a little Windmill museum beautifully kept up and very informative. Saw an picturesque old grain elevator still working. Will put a pic as my avatar for a while. Have seen lots of wild life including a swampy area with amazing birds - blue herons, various water fowl and a couple of white pelicans. We have seen pronghorns, mule deer, white tails, lots of hawks and gophers and a badger. The landscape is so different from Northern AB, and very beautiful in its own way.

On the down side we are still getting nowhere with the Insurance co. The latest is that the claims manager now has a messed up understanding of our claim too. We have requested a meeting for disclosure. So far they do not want to meet. I have resubmitted the Schedules of Loss to the Claim's Manager and his boss.

The meeting with mother and AB health went OK. Mother understands what is happening though she did not look too happy about it. She said she wanted to bring her pictures with her - some art and family photos. We saw a couple of LTC places and phoned a number of them. One just had a lot of vacancies and it is one we like, so we will ask for a tour when we return to E'ton and put it #1 on the list once the AB health person sends me her email!!! It looks like mother will have to go into a semi private room until a private one becomes available. Not sure that will work well, but it is what it is.

duck (((((hugs)))) I am sorry about your loss. It is not easy to come by good friends.

ali - hope Trust comes through.

bullies - I tend to stand up to them, but online especially, some are better ignored.

Keep your feathers unruffled everyone, stay cool, and dry. Poor Texans!!!

The outside patio part of the restaurant here is to die for - lots of running water, lush plants, sunshine, and glass panels to keep the wind out. The menu is extensive and the food excellent. The room we are in is mediocre, but the restaurant more than makes up for it and the hot tub is fine.

Take care of you, every one You are worth it!

Ali, I hope it goes well with the trust and getting reimbursed.

Duck, I'm sorry for the loss of your your friend. Take good care of yourself.

DDDuck, I am sorry to hear of your friend. I lost a friend almost 2 years ago, it hits hard. Maybe these losses are harder to work through for us caregivers because we are focused on an elderly LO, expecting the elders passing as a normal part of life. Then losing someone our own age is a shock.

My thoughts of these bully people is a couple things. As stated, they are anonymous and must likely feel a power in that which they can't feel in RL. The other is grouping up on one person due to difference of opinions is as childish as human behavior can be and needing group effort to feel in control and to feel they are "right"!!

Ali, yes giving the offenders warnings/time outs then blocking them from coming back. I'm on a forum for the community we live in, the moderator/creator 
of the forum just ousted a man for his rude comments and attacks toward others who would just post a simple question about locating a service in this city. His reaction.... he creates another forum posting nasty remarks about the moderator!! Immature at best , can only feel emotion by hurting others.

Stacy i think bullying others on an anonymous forum is a power play by some who feel powerless in their personal lives or at other times just mischief making.
i know myself when i read some posts my first reaction is"Well what did you think would happen" Luckily I only think it or simply don't resond unless it is a personal attack

Duck, I'm so sorry about your friend who died. May she rest in peace. It can be a shock, I know. I was pretty torn up about losing my old high school boyfriend several months back. He was such a wonderful person in my eyes. He had drug issues, but he also had progressing MS and pain every day, and I wonder if I wouldn't be an addict, too, if I had those problems in my life. I agree: most addicts are not boogeyman but more like broken people.

To be clear, I wasn't using illegal drugs when the Trust Officer called me in to the local police as a drug user. I don't know how much he truly believed that, or if that was a claim of convenience, or some of both. I don't know who started the rumor that I was a druggie and had come to grandma's house to sponge off her financially. I don't know if the caregiving agency started that, or my cousin (whose siblings are drug users and whose niece did rob my grandmother of her valuable jewelry) the absentee guardian was saying that, but by the time I'd been here 2 months, the T.O., the agency, and my cousin were all saying that I was a druggie, and saying my father was physically abusing my grandmother, and me and my dad should be thrown out of the house. I used to laugh at the idea back then. How can they evict me from a house that isn't my legal residence?? I didn't care, let them send me back to my sunny condo in Los Angeles that overlooked the marina. But... my father is special needs and he would have nowhere to go, and I believed in his cause. He was being unfairly accused. Boy, the whole thing here got off to such a messy, messy start.

Anyway. Today is the day I take in the receipts! I need to get going. I'm dreading it, but it's ALMOST DONE. Time to buck up and get it all the way done!

Glad, I think outspokenness and hostility could be a reflection of pent-up frustration at someone's own situation. If it's perceived that not much can be done, and in many caregiving situations that's the case, then the frustration and anger are directed toward others, rather than the parents or others being cared for.

I can't believe that we don't all at some time get so frustrated that we want to yell, or stomp our foot, or just get mentally get away from the situation. Rechanneling to someone else I suppose helps the individual forget about his or her misery.

But there are also situations in which I become impatient with people who chronically complain and whine and then find excuses not to do anything about it. People on pity parties really challenge my tolerance level.

No one on AC can get another user "kicked off" by disagreeing with them. It's their own words that convict them, so to speak. If someone is posting things that are typically controversial, and repeatedly walking the line of going against the rules, then... if I were an AC mod... I'd probably give them a Time Out. If they keep doing it, then... I'd probably consider a ban.

We all disagree every day about what course of action someone should take in a given situation, and it can be helpful to have all those different thoughts.  But ultimately none of us can get anyone kicked off. Users do that all by themselves.

Ali I am so sorry about that call in the past. Its funny now how drug addiction has become a "disease" all of a sudden when enough right people fall prone. I was reading your post, really trying to catch up. When I worked EMS people used to call on their mental challenged relatative usually on their monthly pay date because they didn't want to give up their money. These poor people, ultra sensitive to the abuse, were actually prey to evil manipulative people. One son call on his mother. She had been admitted for pysch for a long time and upon returning home did not like girl her son had there. She became upstet and did things that call for her to be evaluated not hurtfull to her self but questionalble and we could not leave these things unadressed.
I think its so bad when people use a person's weakness to hurt them.

Good luck with sorting through the heirlooms. I have lost and mourned so many good pieces because I could not bring them to my mother's house on two different occasions. I would move out a few years and end up coming back. This second and last time I had an almost new bedroom set I had to put in storage because I couldn't bring it there. It was a lovly set and of course the maid could not be in a room furnished better than theirs. So I put it in storage. I lost a lot of good pieces in storage because, well hear those monthly charges become like rent and before I knew it I was behind and you don't have access and its fdown hill. Did I mention my sister's furniture is in the whole floor upstairs and two room on the floor Im on and in living room and kitchen. Soon after I moved she had a new bedroom set delivered. I am supposed to try and let go of these things.

Ali, I refused to lose this bedroom set, it cost me a pretty penny, it lit up my heart because I finally had something nice. I tried to give it away. I didn't have much company or friends and relatives I asked would have jumped on it. So people were dragging their feet. I gave my cousin a nice piece my landlord had from when her mother had first bought house. She said I could have it. She saw the rest when my son go a uhaul and picked it up. So it went in my oldest granddaughter room. Looked lovely. Was a high bed so when they moved to Korea she picked out her own set. The quality of my set was beautiful. life time warrantee. I was just happy someone would appreciated it. Till to today my mother will call me a big liar if I say she didn't let me bring my furniture in her house. This is part of why I have issues with my room, I had no dressers and the closets were already full. I bought down an old dresser from upstair that I had left but its tall and the dawere are shallow. Now after almost six years I am in same place with more accumulations. I am making progress.

Someone out there will cherish some of your pieces.
That oregano oil works, colds, sinuses. I am taking now. When the weather changes I have to be careful. I am feeling the "tight" in my lungs took decongestant which I take every day in cold months. Going to do my albuterol nebulizer also either before I go in to work tomarrow afternoon or later in week. I cant do it in the morning because it make me a little jittery and then I cant sleep.

Congrats to all who have new family members baby cats and dogs.

Golden I hope you had a great birthday.
I will be working the day after my birthday so I am still pondering the hotel even, going out. Im going to play by ear. Plus I started planning my menu since I cook the day before I start my 4 12hr nights week. One of the girls went to see her mother for surgery and is having an extended stay so I am taking on one of her days. A blessing. work towards my computer. posiblly room, or birthday splurge to my self.
I got really sad new today. MY girl friend passed away August 2nd or 3. I saw a missed call from NJ where she was in hospice at sisters house. I called and the sister said they had just unlocked her phone today. I have been crying since I learned she had ca. If I think about her to long or in a certain way I cry. Its like its not true, I cant believe. I know she was in a lot of pain. I hated to hear her so weak and drained so when she explained that she doesn't answer phone because of the pain sometimes and she loved my text of sunshine and flowers and kisses that they helped, I felt better.. I cry and it selfish because I will miss my "big" sister in my heart and in my life. I cry also because I know she is happy and out of pain and misery. Probably with her mother and sister and father in spirit feeling sorry for us who are living in this realm or looking forward to seeing us.

I dreamt a couple of weeks ago that she was at my house in my room and I told her she looked good that she had put on weight. She said something like she felt good. I wish I had written it down while it was on my mind. I know after that dream I felt good and at peace about all my issues, my pain and hurts. I felt a little freer.
This morning when I left work my relief who was one time working 7 days (12hr) bought me some nice treats. I used to tell her to take her time and my concern of her over working herself. Well she made my day. I felt good. Got a good prayer warrior when I called my prayer hotline this moringing (a pastor who had similar experience I was praying about - letting go, forgetting the past hurts) It was a blessing and when I saw this missed call I knew it was about her and thought look at how God built me up today for this news! I broke down a tad, a few times this was middle of my 2hr ride t o work I got a good cry out and by the time the bus came it was just flow of tears and sniffles. I think I had had been preparing for this for a while. It hits hard and I don't think we are ever ready for that blow when it comes.
I remember when she said she had never been through any thing this hard. I am glad its over.
Crazy, but I am happy for her. Dang Im going to miss her!!!

I just wonder what in the world the bullies that will gang up on other caregivers get out of it. I will never understand what the thrill they could possibly get out of it. Maybe someone here can enlighten the rest.