The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yeah, isn't it great when you can get someone who disagrees with you kicked off of a forum. Such an accomplishment! You must be feeling so proud!

Well that particular bully p*ssed me off, and I should have known better than to tangle with her, but I did anyways because I was in the  mood for it! I didn't say anything that I didn't mean, but I should have known better than to stir her up!

Many people have come to bat for me, on my personal page, so I feel better for it, but still.... I won't be doing that again, as it just isn't worth it! Bullies make me Mad... Grrrr! At least she's gone, for now anyways! 😀😁😄😆😉😊😋😤

Thanks for the cat Sharyn! 😺

Stacey, Sharyn, Ali,
I made the mistake of reading someone's poster who "suspected" the brother of elder abuse and wanted to install spy cams in the house without their knowledge. I came unglued. I couldn't sleep I was so mad! No proof, hearsay. They had already reported him to APS and everything was fine but they just weren't convinced. I told em to get their own butts over there and get involved if they want to see if there are any problems. I would be willing to bet this is all about money as usual. But installing cameras without their knowledge or consent in the house? Really????? Where does it end?

People who post controversial stuff, either here or Facebook, it's like a siren call to me, drawing me into conflict lol. "Someone is WRONG and I should tell them." LOL! It's so silly, and I know I can be like that, and I do try to be a bigger person... and sometimes I'm just not a bigger person. Racism, sexism -- those things just get me mad. And thing is, a "real troll" is someone who just wants to stir the pot, anyway, so any attention I would give them is what they want. The world of online interaction has given us the gift of community even when we're far apart, but it also has drawbacks. I don't think many people would dare say the same mean or hurtful things in person as they do online. Online anonymity makes bullies bolder.

I want a cat, maybe two of them. I like dogs better (which is silly, perhaps) but of course cats are less energy and responsibility. It's on my future "dream" list, that once I'm into the new place, I can go to the open adoption centers for cats in the city and let one pick me as its new human. ;-)

It's been a busy Monday here. I'm trying to get rid of the things from the house, but in a sensible way. Trust wants to pay someone to come in and take things away and since it's not junk, why wouldn't I sell some things first, or even give them away? The whole thing has me trying to nail down WHAT, EXACTLY, I'm keeping from my grandparents' house and where it's going to go to. It's a bit to think about. My new 1 bedroom place is going to be pretty tight with all of the things from here crammed into it, or I could store them for a year and think more about it. I'm not for certain yet what I'm going to do: try to cram heirloom furniture in new place, or store it and just use everything out of my storage unit. It's one or the other.

I finished copying all my receipts today. I will hand them in to Trust Officer tomorrow. I spoke to him and he knows they're coming in tomorrow. He's retiring at the end of the week, and said he would "get the process started" for reimbursement. I have some leverage in this situation due to something I had forgotten but recently thought about: Trust Officer called me in to local police department as a drug user in 2011, and asked them to evict me and my father... which would be illegal to "call in a favor" to his long time police buddies and have them come "scare me away"... and so local police didn't do that. But... the fact that I know T.O. did that and I have a witness... I'm just hoping that enough has happened, enough bad and weird stuff, and no one wants to relive it, so give me the reimbursement and let's all move on. The reason that factoid is important is because -- it's not true to say that everything I purchased, and the money I spent, was at my discretion, and therefore my choice, not reimbursable. It wasn't my choice, but the Trust left me no choice because they wouldn't communicate with me. When my grandmother had bed bugs, for example, I couldn't ask them to treat the house and buy a new bed. I did it, out of need.

I'm just crossing my fingers that this last bit of wrapping things up goes smoothly. Getting these receipts submitted and reimbursed is part of "wrapping things up." I've talked to my dad about it, talked to all my family about it. It's time. I'll never get back these past 6 years and I have to move on. This bit of money is owed me. Fingers crossed.

Trust Officer says things sometimes that cause me to think he wants to say more. He told me today that "despite things that happened, it worked out." Yeah. No thanks to his actions in the beginning, lol, but I think he did what he was told at the time, by my cousin who was my grandmother's guardian, and by the crooked caregiving agency, which was completely out for self/money interest, and they all pointed fingers at each other for the blame when my grandmother died.

What an experience this has been.

Not to be overly dramatic, but... how could I be *overly* dramatic? This has been the strangest experience, and will always be, I think, the pivotal experience of my life. The other things that have happened with my health, the mold, the anxiety, the benzodiazepines... all of it. Coming full circle with a bad, dysfunctional situation with my dad... it was a lot.

...

I'm dating a little bit. Nice guy from up north is back around, but who knows for how long. He doesn't have much time or energy to give me and that's an insurmountable divide, I think. I'm talking to other men from online dating. I might meet up with someone this weekend. No expectations, just trying to "get out there."

I don't think I relayed the story of the groper who I bailed on in the middle of a movie 2 weeks ago... did I mention him? Well, there's the summary of our date lol. He was grabbing at me and I didn't like it. After a lot of uncomfortable thought about it, I told him I was going to the bathroom and LEFT. lol I still felt so bad that I emailed him to explain why, thinking maybe he would apologize...? Lol! I don't know what I expected. First time I can remember running out of a date like that lol.

Stacey, BTDT!!! I try very hard to stay away from posts that anger me and trolls. Like you said, sometimes we get drawn into the post. I've gotten into it a couple times on the question threads due to differences in opinions. Let go and carry on!!! You are very valued here, a troll... not so much.

Hmmm, I guess the AC moderators have Scrubbed that Nasty poster off the website once again, and I have come away unscathed! YIKES!

 It wasn't the first time she had been Scrubbed, and allowed back, so I'm not sure if she'll be back again or not! I was gonna apologize for my part in it, but there is no where to post it now, so "Ding Dong, the witch is dead"! Lol! I guess the AC took my side in this one!😉 I'll be good from now on, Maybe! 

I know I shouldn't poke the Trolls, but sometimes...... Grrrr!

Rainey, a cat for you, lol!!

Good night Stacey! Give your sweet pooch a smooch, that will cheer you up! 😘

I hear ya Rainey, All of it, and Loud and Clear! Same Scenario here! Nobody chooses this "Career Path", it Chooses US! Especially when you come from a Dysfunctional family!

You haven't been on her long enough to know, that I came from a completely different type of family. One that was loving, close and together, Always, including Auntie, Uncles and Cousins, and although All our elders have now passed away, we're still close.

It is my husband's family who is dysfunctional, and why I love to participate in this thread, because this was all new to me, having never been exposed to such a thing!

I have learned so much from ya'll, which has helped me tremendously, in the care of my Narcissistic FIL, and the children he helped to raise!

I've been in a spat today, with another poster, and I'm not proud of it! I just don't like it when our Good website is bashed, because I have such a kinship to so many on here, I do feel a need to protect it and it's good name. But even I went too far, and I'm not proud of my behavior! Perhaps I'm feeling a little punchy today, as I don't feel well and have a sore throat and swollen glands. Not a good thing, when you are caring for one so compromised.

I think I'd better sign off for the day, and start Fresh tomorrow. I probably need to think up an apology to the one who I tangled with, I'll think on that! Ouchie! Lol!

You all have good night!

LOL!!!!! I get in those "moods" myself Stacey, I think the moderators have seen enough whining siblings with no actual proof of where money is going before accusing them! I am not saying everyone who has POA is a saint, I am sure parents do make mistakes on who they give that responsibility to, but can't these siblings just get involved from the get go and ask if they want to know before their parents minds are beyond being able to be mentally competent to let the other siblings know their wishes. What I have learned throughout this whole experience is I wish Mom would have told them (my brothers) what ALL her wishes were prior but she said she did not feel she had to. She saw it as her life, her money, her decisions, why did she need to spell it all out to them especially after she told one of my brothers that she had made amendments to her Will that left me with a larger portion for many reasons including me being the "chosen one" to care for her. He got all bent out of shape and could not figure out why. Because he does and never has done ANYTHING to help her out in any way, even as a young adult. He wanted to put her directly in a facility when she did not need to be in there, she still doesn't! She does need regular monitoring however. My other brother was the big master manipulator and taker. I did tons of work on the house, helped Mom with lots of work, etc. Now they both have accused me of this and that........wish I never would have agreed to do this somedays because it has made my life with my siblings so much worse than it already was because they think I have master minded all this (oh please!) and they are entitled to what was never theirs, never earned, and that is their beef. Not the welfare of the parent, not how much the caregiving sibling has given up, the money they think they are owed for doing nothing. They get their freedom and to live their lives. I am trapped. Who signs up for that?
There. See? I can get in on "those moods" too!

Exactly Rainey, it just burns my britches! lol! I've been a little feisty on here today, and the moderators will probably come knocking on my door, Oops!

Jeeez, all you dog people! 😉 Just kidding, Stacey, ADORABLE!!!!! Scoop her up and smooch her precious face!!
Sharyn, same thing, adorable!!! Wish I knew how to do that with my cats in the pic, I have tried. Think my picture files are too big and maybe wrong format and I am not smart enough on how to do that I am embarrassed to say. ☺️ Stacey, doesn't it just bug the heck out of you when these siblings (other question) get so accusatory about the sibling who is actually doing all the work? If they want to know what is going on, where the money is going, just GET INVOLVED in helping out and ASK! So tired of the absentee siblings complaining. If my brothers wanted to be a part of Mom's life from when she needed help, they would know everything and I would have been thrilled if they wanted to get in and actually devote time to help out!

Stacey, your Charlie girl is adorable!! I love her ears! Buster is my hubbys dog and tiger, Midget and myself are lucky we get to continue to live here since buster arrived. Hubby is obsessed!!

Margeaux, great to hear from you! Certainly hope your soup helps with sore muscles.

Margeaux always good to hear from you! Don't be a stranger.

Margeaux, Hey! My new Avatar pix is of my Charlie-girl!

How the heck are you? Sorry to hear about your husband's bad neck, and now your soreness to follow! Isn't that the way it always goes, huh? You try to fix him, and end up hurting yourself! Waaaa!

Hope you've been enjoying your summer! The Seattle area has had it longest hottest heat wave on record, with zero rainfall to speak of, and tiny mist a couple of days ago, that's it! We need Rain desperately! 

My hubby has been painting all day, our family room, with a couple of hours in the yard too! He's trying his best to work while our weather holds out, and get some jobs completed! Busy, Busy!

I have been on dog and Dad duty for the past few days, and we trade off, Lol! We're a pretty good team, when we put our minds to it!

Have a wonderful weekend everybody! ❤❤❤

Stacey,

Thats funny, that he's a Medical Enigma, HAAH!! I know a few elders like that.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So my husband's youngest brother finally was released from the hospital in Thailand.
He spent about 1.75 mos. in there first with Ecoli, then infection in his lungs. It's been rough
on the other two brothers, (my husband) being one of them and the oldest one.
I think their youngest brother must have a personality disorder. He was behaving in usual fashion,
not being appreciative that their oldest brother flew down there to take care of financial business,
whilst he couldn't since he was so weak.

My husband's relationship w/the youngest is more than contentious. They barely stay in touch in a very minimal way on FB. My husband isn't good either in the area of showing/or being truly emotionally supportive. That doesn't help. The dysfunction!

Last week, my husband had a sore neck. I'm sure part of it has been the stress. Then he was moving some equipment that was probably kind of heavy. Anyway, been nursing it. So I gave him a full on massage with some Tiger Balm last night. Today, I woke up and I felt very sore. When I started to think back what I've done last few days, I did some hand laundry. So I thought, "yeah," probably was that! Then I remembered the massage!
So how do you like that, I massage, then I feel real sore. "OA," as my dad would say! Anyway, I've got a soup going on the fire right now, chicken soup. Lots of ginger is going in, maybe we can sweat out the pain.

Have a lovely Saturday evening everyone,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Stacey,

So it was 9 weeks FIL was at the AL? You and your husband are truly noble individuals taking him in again.
I realize that that......is a very personal choice. Oh......the feeding! Gee....I stress out at times just having to be responsible for just about anything food over here w/my husband. He doesn't cook at all, maybe once in a real blue moon some spaghetti. But to have to be on top of an elderly person's diet daily, I'm sure that must be a lot of work for you.

Bet your little dog is real cute, show us a pic if you have any.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

How's it going in Idaho? Sounds like you are having a great time for bonding more with your grandsons.
WOW!! A new puppy? How fun.

That is good you are still keeping up your camera/photography interests. I had this little camera I bought several years ago at Cosco. Doesn't do anything too fancy, but takes decent pictures. Over a year ago, I don't know what happened, but you know that operational thing they do, where the lense collapses when not in use. That wasn't working, now was the camera. The other day, my husband decided to remove the battery and put it back in, and guess what!! The camera now works. I was happy about that, been w/o one for over a year now.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden,

I understand you had a birthday this last week? Well Happy Belated!
May this be a year filled with love, health and abundance of whatever you want.

So your mother is moving again? I've been reading trying to get a handle on what's been going on last few weeks, but I didn't seem to find the exact post as to why your mother is being moved. In any case, I hope it doesn't become too stressful for you, nor her.

I agree with everyone else, that you look absolutely fabulous!
O.K., have a great vacation down south.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alright, Alright, if we're all going to be posting pictures of our amazing Doggy's, then here is one of my Charlie-girl! Lol! Rainy, you said you liked Chihuahuas, and mine is a 5# Chihuahua Maltese mix, now nearly 4 years old, Wow, where did the time go? 

SharynM,  Congrats on your new Puppy! A Golden Lab is one of my Favorites!  So sweet,  intelligent,  and loyal to his Master! And having his brother at your Dd's house, will be Awesome!  They'll have a great time together,  and often! The twins will Love it too! 

Having a dog is a blast, until you have to go on vacation, or maybe that's just me and my spoiled pooch. She goes everywhere with us, and even has her own car seat/bed, which fits over the console between the front seats of my SUV! She love the car, anytime, anywhere, and often goes out with my husband to run errands. She is a Chick Magnet, and hubby just laps up the attention! Lol!

She is so tiny and cute! Her ears are more floppy, not as big and straight up as most Chihuahuas, so that is the Maltese in her.

The Senior food/diet dilemma......That was one of the Top 5 reasons why we wanted my FIL to go to AL in the First Place! After 13 years of him running my husband around doing his shopping, and preparing his meals, it just became such a hassle, and completely wore us out!

Here we were, both early and medically retired (me with my Arthritis and Fibromyalgia,  and hubby with a bad back), and having to prepare nutritional meals twice a day, when all we Now wanted to do was Whatever We Wanted To Do!, and that didn't include making lunch and dinner, day in and day out for years on end! We were ready to start hitting up the Senior 2-4-1 specials, meeting up with family and friends for drinks and poo-poo's on the lanais of our favorite waterfront restaurants, and FIL was a millitant self inposed shut in, who never wanted to leave his recliner, and wanted to be waited on, and On Time!

His diet wasn't so much the problem, but him not wanting to be left alone, and in the last few years as his health declined, we were afraid to leave him. We did have to be mindful of his mild Type 2 Diabetes.

What we are still fretting about is the fact that we didn't take advantage of the 9 weeks he was in AL! Grrr!

I am surprisingly adjusting pretty well to him being back here with us and on Hospice. The hardest part is the "not knowing", how long this will go on. It is a very much day to day mindset that I have to adjust to, as every morning when I pop my head in to check on him, I have to really look to see if his chest is rising and falling, as he looks .....! 

But now the Hospice Dr has started Prednisone for bone pain, and Gabapentin for his drug induced foot  Neuropathy, brought on by his last go around with Chemotherapy, 12 years ago to treat his Lymphoma. 

I tell ya, the guy is a MEDICAL ENIGMA!!! How he has pulled through so many frightful diagnosis, and come out the other side is astounding! I know that the Lung Cancer or the complications of, is going to get him in the end, but Man oh man, he sure looks and feels good today!

Our Eldest Son, DIL and Grandies popped in today, and couldn't be how great he looked! Maybe we are taking too good a care of him, Lol!

Nahh, it's just a good day, and a blessing at that, though a bit of a confusion to my 3 & 7 year old Grandson's, as the've seen him look so terrible, and try to explain in words the children can understand that Great-Grandpa is declining in health, only to find him much like his old self today, but confined to a hospital bed, and back in Nana and Grandpa's home. It must be so confusing for them!

Ah well, it may be a good day, but there are still some of those  Not So Fun "details", that I must go to attend to, so I will catch ya'll later! 

Have a Great Night!

Glad, he is very laid back. Of course once he is bigger, I'm sure his wagging tail will knock some things flying. He tries to follow Midget around, Midget is just not sure of him at all. She will run from him. Right now they are about the same size . His brother, dd's puppy, is the same way. I guess the breed is laid back which is good for us older folks, lol!! He will need to be walked a couple times a day though.

The Trust is administered by a bank, no family relation. They have said for me to dispose of all the contents of the house, and to help me do that, they're sending in a charity reseller at my convenienc to take everything I don't want away. They administer the Trust for my father's benefit until his death, but they have been clear they have no interest in the household items and what happens to them. I've put out messages to all siblings and cousins, to see if anything is wanted as heirlooms. I'm left with a household full of stuff that needs to be disposed of. It's not undoable but I think... I think what I've figured out is that the things I want to hang on to need to go to storage first.

Also, any little bit of money I could get is helpful, although not really the point. A couple people have contacted me from the ad I put online but no one has come for anything yet. If I can help set someone up with a basic "starter kit" of furniture for very cheap, that would be good. I'm hoping someone will want some of the tools and steel worktable and shelving.

Ali, I haven't followed this thread at all but just stopped by. When you refer to "the Trust", do you mean the Trustee? If so, the Trustee acts on behalf of the deceased and for the benefit of the beneficiaries in administering the trust and allocating the assets per the instructions of the individual who made the Trust (presumably the deceased). I assume you're one of the beneficiaries? Who's the Trustee? A relative?

Are both of you in agreement about the furniture, etc.?

There used to be companies that would come into a home, evaluate what is there and hold the sale either on site or shipped to an auction site, is that still an option there Ali? You would have the ability to place a reserved bid on items you feel are valuable, or if buy anything you want for yourself there can be no push back later that you got something for nothing.

But yes, I like the idea that I'll choose to store things that I'm not sure about, and give myself time to think about it.  Thing is, these are things I DO want down the road but having gotten myself into one situation with things in storage all these years, I'm not keen to get into another one.  

That's what I said, Glad. Take the heirloom stuff to storage first, but the Trust is saying they don't want to incur storage fees before they have to, i.e. before house is sold. Well, if they don't want to move that stuff before house is sold, why make me get rid of everything else before house is sold? They are irritating, to be sure. 

I put a craigslist ad up and posted a bunch of pictures and said "no reasonable offer refused."  I don't know that will get enough visibility, but I'm trying to do something.  There is so much here.  The snowblower and tiller are barely used.  There are tons of useful household things.  

Ali, estate sale just a fancier name for a garage sale. Things of mom's sold for pennies on the dollar. Have the trust get a moving company to move everything you think you may want to storage. In a year who knows where you will be and it could be dealt with then. Remember in situations like this do not act out of haste, take at least a year to think about it. Things you think you may want in your apartment should be loaded first so they are near door on storage to make for easier access.