notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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You make a great point. I always worry about what my psycho brother will try to pull on me next but if he is willing to risk everyone knowing he sexually and physically abused me as a child and I have all of this on paper, in his hand writing admitting what he did, well then go ahead and roll those dice!!!! His writings also clearly show he is not playing with a full deck so I have saved all of his crazy rants just in case, even sent copies to Mom's sister. So, if he decides to call "Elder Abuse" on me, he will be exposed. If he tries to drag me into court if he feels the Will/Trust is not fair, I will show all his psycho rants and tell them EVERYTHING including extorting money from his Mom with dementia. I cannot see anyone siding with a person that destoyed so much of my life and still won't let up. If I was rich, I would file a harrassment suit against him. But, now he has been quiet. I know this is just a hiatus, but I will try to enjoy it while it lasts! He never stays quiet for very long and the holidays are coming so you know that is just another reason for his guilt filled cards of hate he sends talking about God, Jesus, Mary and how the priest has cleansed him of his sins and now it's all my fault. *Sighs* I really get miffed when people USE God to make you feel bad and hide behind a false sense of rightousness. He will say how much the Lord forgives and I NEED to forgive him or God won't let me into Heaven, then proceeds to verbally bash me in every hateful way you can imagine. Does that sound like a someone who truly is sorry for his actions?
Other than the last shopping incident which made me decide to leave her at home from now on to avoid the dirty looks from people who have no idea, I had to gently chastise her for not putting her leg up enough as it is blowing up rapidly from her being on her feet too much. She has severe lymphadema in her lower leg. Tomorrow I will have to compression wrap her again because of that. I usually like to give her a 5 day break with her velcro wraps between full compression but she must put her legs up on the special pillow wedge I got for her for an hour 2 times a day. Other than that, it's same ol stuff. Her picking up leaves one at a time, one pine needle at a time. So sad, we used to work in the yard together and we would make a great team! Now, she spends her time doing pointless stuff but hey, whatever floats her boat, aye?
It's hard because I am still all about efficiency, get as much done as quickly as I can because working all day in the yard now makes me incapacitated the next few days with my arthritic back.
Not to mention all the housework, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, cat sitting, laundry, etc.
Now you are a powerhouse! I am amazed by all you do and get accomplished, I am so proud of you and how selfless you are. You are a supreme juggler and I wish I could do half as much as I used to. How you handled your last family nightmare with such grace and no tolerance for BS, I was so impressed. I see you shining now, you are an amazing woman. I look forward to hearing about all your new accomplishments as your dysfuctional family finally dissapears in the rear view mirror! I am jealous!
stacey - I am just a crazy old woman who won't be put in a box. I like car trips too. We will go a few miles for sure. You are right - Ebay can be dangerous to the pocket book.
sharyn - what fun with the boys!!! I would not feel good about footprints in my flower bed either. I have never had a bamboo plant. Are they easy to grow?
upset thx. Mother, sis and I all don't look our ages. Awww - I bet PJ misses them and I can understand that you do too. Bet they love your cooking. I agree with Stacey - PJ should snap you up while you are still available!!! You are doing a wonderful thing for those caregivers!!! You ARE making it happen.
R arrived and my quiet house is bursting with flurries of activity. He drove for 6 hours, had supper when he arrived, mowed the lawns, picked chokecherries (he likes me to get juice from them) and had me busy on the computer for several hours getting some documents ready for tomorrow. It is just about to settle down now.
Have a good night all.
I have been an E-bayer since year 2000. Yes, very dangerous but I have also been able to get things I would never have been able to get in any store and the deals I have gotten are pretty amazing too!
I have also obtained things for a few hundred dollars that are now being auctioned off for thousands years later! 😉
I have a good eye for art. I am also an Amazon gal too! I get things for so much less than retail, I do it for survival too. I gotta be a smart shopper because now that I am not able to work anymore, the necessities like shampoo, hygiene stuff, stuff for Mom, I can obtain for reasonable $$. Also, having it delivered instead of running around store to store to come up empty handed. Love it!
Hope you forgive me about the BIL comments, it just makes me so upset after hearing all about him and knowing he would do anything to take advantage of this unfortunate situation. 😥
How's your Mom?
I fixed dinner at PJ's. Another grandson headed to college. This one headed to GA. Only 3 left after tomorrow. The crowd is dwindling. And two of the three left aren't with him all the time. I think he's missing the big gang he used to have. Strange, but I miss them too.
We have more mosquito activity here, very little flea issue re pets, still have flies, lol!!
We went to the state fair today with our dd and family. The boys rode on horses in a merry go round with dd and sil walking beside them. E loved it, he was so happy. L, not too much but wasn't going to let his brother out do him. When we came home, we could see that someone had been in our backyard by the mud prints in the bed by the fence. I don't know if a ball came back here or just why someone was here, but it makes me uncomfortable. Nothing is missing.
I hope you enjoy your trip South, getting all your appointments completed for both you and R, are able to get your Mom's living arrangements set up, and even squeeze in some time for enjoyment and sightseeing! I Love a good car trip, my favorite way to travel!
UpsetSister, if I weren't married, I would marry you myself! That PJ of yours better snap you up, before somebody else does, Lol! Give me his number and I'll set him straight! We have a brand new Senior Services Center opening up real close to our home. They have an Awesome Caregivers Support division too! Their name is Homage Senior Services, Lynnwood Washington, and you should check it out online. It is a little late for what I've got going on here at the moment, or maybe not, but as a Senior, I will surely check it out, and hope to participate in their loss and grieving support group here soon.
I have never utilized any grief support in the past, when we lost our other 3 parents so close together, we immediately jumped into caring for my FIL in our home, so I stuffed my feelings and dived right back into work and life. I am lucky to come from a very large and loving family, so we all leaned onto one another and somehow got through it, some better than others! My fave sister still struggles to this day, now 13/14 years later! Maybe we can go together!
SharynM, I'll bet you are finding a whole new host of critters, birds and bugs in your new town! I hear you had a great Eclipse showing!
Almost, so glad to hear that you are having your final goodbyes to your Dad, and are able to honor him in a way that suits you best! Getting counseling for Dysfunctional families is all important, especially after the loss of your Dad. It will give you good skills on how to detach, distance, and protect yourself and your protect your feelings , and that of your girls too! All healthy ways to forge ahead in life!
I Love Ebay too! And collecting silly things from your childhood years is right up my alley! I had a button/badge maker when I was a kid, and I found the exact same one brand new on Ebay, so I bought it, and have had a blast making them with my Grandies! We have bought good old Marbles, and now our 7 year old Grandson is into collecting them. EBay can be dangerous to your pocketbook, as it so easy to get caught up in the auctions! Watching the countdown clock and hitting Last Bid at just the right moment, So exciting! You win some and you lose some, but there is always another bargain to be had around the next corner, Lol!
Hope everyone is doing great! Take Care All!
You look great!!!! Good genes run in the family! Been busy in the garden today, planted a Crepe Myrtle Tree and a Veronica Bush. Just making homemade meatballs for spaghetti tonight. So, I gotta take time later and really read everyone's posts. Been going since this morning!
Stacey,
I knew this would happen with your BIL, I knew it!!! Even though what you are doing is noble, I knew he would make your life h*ll having FIL in your house. You can cyber kick me for saying this but leopards don't change their spots. Like vultures circling, here they come. Stay strong and do not let them in unless they are being watched every second! The one thing I can be thankful for is when Mom is actively dying and if she is here, neither of my brothers can enter "our house" since Mom has her own private cottage so they cannot come and access our things. I am sure they will be going through all her belongings as soon as they can. The badbro will be worse than the other for sure. I think I will pack up a box of all the cheap plastic trinkets they gave her over the years and hand them back to he and his wife. Probably not totaling more than 30 dollars! LOL!
Hard to believe that we are actually finally going off for a few days break. I haven't been that far south in the province for years and years and years. We each have separate appointments Friday ,and then together will meet with the AB health lady, and mother regarding options for mother's move. Private rooms are available (according to online sources) at about the same as she is paying now. and she will need one. It will allow for a few more of her personal things too, I think. I will be glad once this move is over and can be pretty sure there won't be another one. I hate that she will likely be upset by this. The "girls" there take good care of her despite the meds mixup.
upset - I will have eyedrops to put in for a few days before the op and then afterwards. I had planned to do that for myself. I put antibiotic ointment in my eye last year as I got ash in my eye during evacuation from the forest fire. It doesn't seem like a difficult thing to do. Am I missing something? Very nice for your bro to have that stuff from your dad. Most interesting! Home baked bread and cinnamon rolls - doesn't get better than that! Well, maybe red velvet cake!
stacey - Oh my goodness - just No, No, No, all down the line. What a con artist, though not very artistic about it. He can't share POA - only fil can make changes in that and I very much doubt he is able to now or would want to. Totally agree with not answering the calls. It is all BS. What sil said was very revealing. I am so sorry you have this to deal with on top of caring for fil. Vent away!!! (((((((hugs))))))
Monster headache again this morning - sinuses. This is the time of year I am allergic to grasses etc. I suppose I should be on antihistamines. Naproxen is helping a lot. R is on his way, so I better get out to shop.
Re having help for things, in the winter I went out to lunch with dd and a friend of hers who works with seniors. As we walked to the restaurant she grabbed my arm, and I thought, "Oh, she must be concerned about falling." Talked with dd afterwards and friend was "helping me!" I didn't need the help. I could use some help with cleaning the house - 6 bedrooms is a bit much now and I do rely on R and others for the gardening.
upset - I don't look or act my age. It's the longevity genes. I'll put up my pic as my avatar taken last year during evacuation.
Sharyn, I actually shipped bread and a 3 layer red velvet cake to Iraq during the war. FedEx had a special price for boxes going to servicemen and women for Christmas. I packed the cake with dry ice to keep the cream cheese icing fresh.
He is now pressing my husband to want Me to talk with his wife, thinking that she can pressure me to let them come and stay in our home, and he even went so far as to say that He and my husband could SHARE POA duties, in Them Helping us to care for their Dad, WHAT?!!!
I don't know where he came up with this kockamamy idea, but that's just Not going to happen! As if my husband can even make such a decision to SHARE POA duties, it's rediculous talking. Nothing like riding in on your Big White Horse at the last minute and all! Sheesh!
Hubby thinks he's just trying to find a sliver of an opening, to try to get his hands on his Dad's money (as if we would ever leave them alone to tend to him in our home) in any way possible, and that My generous spirit would be open to discussing this with his 10th or 11th wife, UMMMM NO! It's craziness talk, and I refuse to engage in it. Now I won't even answer the phone to their calls.
Hubby's 1/2 older sister said (hubby called her trying to get some clarity on this situation) that when he and his wife visited her, that they free loaded at her place with No money to even leave to go back to their home, and that she had to pay them gas money just to leave. She also said that there was jewelry and other things missing from her place, as she had to be away at work on the day they packed up their things and left. Also that she found they had stashed or dumped things behind her garage in bushes, not sure if they intended to come back for them, or just trashed them there.
Oh No, we are taking every precaution to only allow supervised visit, if they even come to visit him at all!
I have pushed for phone conversations with Dad at his best time of day, that way, he will have had every opportunity to chat with him, and hopefully realize that he just isn't up for Long visits, and leave it at that! Plush, the Old Man would Never want some stranger to come and aide him in any way, it's hard enough to have me and his Son tend to such personal duties, let alone some non-medical gal he's never met before!
It's not like he has made Any effort to see him in the past 13 years! I do get that he might like to see his Dad before he dies, but in all honesty, I believe he is just up to his old trick of Conning any of us out of whatever he can get, and show up broke, and not be able to leave, forcing us to pay his way.
Hubby has told him that if he does intend to visit, that he Make his own accommodations, for travel and food, and that we are not funding them in any way, nor are we entertaining or feeding people!
I can't believe the nerve of this guy! Not gonna happen!
Whew, it feels good to get that rambling out, Sorry guys! Lol!
Rainey, Bengals are beautiful cats. I think they may be too high energy for me. I love cats and will probably always have one. My Tiger is a buff tabby. My dd recused him while on College back in 2004. Her class schedule kept her away so I fed him and of course, he attached to me. He is 14 now and a love bug.
Gearing up for thunder showers today, normal for high desert summers.
I went thru a couple of more boxes last evening. Mostly it was old junk. But I did find some Navy paperwork of my dad's my brother wanted. The last 2.5 years of WWII my dad was in the same flight wing squadron with Pres George HW Bush. My Dad gave my brother his flight book which Pres Bush had signed every time they flew a mission. We have an old album with pics. The last year of the war they flew in air shows in the US to raise money for war bonds. This evening I found a letter Bush wrote for my Dad stating he should attend college because of his exceptional math skills )Dad ended up going to WVTech and being a mechanical engineer. There was also their squadron discharge With everyone's home address. My dad said he didn't know him well, he was an officer and my dad was an enlisted guy. He said he was always very nice and very considerate. He said he always got a lot of packages from his mother and wife and always shared all of his goodies. My brother will be pleased that I found them.
They've dug the footers for the footers of the addition. They will pour them tomorrow and then will let them set - be back Monday. So there's progress.
I got up at 4;30. I've got bread rising and cinnamon on rolls. Going to take cinnamon rolls over to PJ's between 7;30-8:00. He's usually back from the gym and boys getting up. They just have a week of summer vacation left. They go back Wed after Labor Day.
Just looked up a Sphinx Moth, Wow!!!! I saw a huge grey moth years ago in Napa, had no idea what kind but it made a big enough impact on me to take a picture!
Good nite Gold, Good nite all, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite!
Gold, be sure and get your flu shot the season is coming up. I don't know if your season is past but get one anyway there are different strains. Be protected. I got the flu 20 something years ago. It hit me hard I can see why it can cause death. I felt worse then then I did when I got pneumonia and almost died serveral years after911. I got use to the cough but I didn't feel half as bad. Heads up everybody, get that flu shot.
Golden: I wish you success. Sometimes one on one is the best. Or get past the lumpheads to the supervisor who may also be lumpheads. Dang!!
Oh, I came back on to share that I just saw my great nephew on utube interview, he has skills skateboarding at 8yrs old. I haven't seen him in like 4yrs. I can't stop smiling. Wow!!. Boy was it great to see him!! Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!!!
duck - there are cats and there are cats. My last one was a large tabby and he caught birds and small vermin regularly and once (that I know of) a rabbit. He usually bit the heads off. I don't mind mice but am used to field mice which are different, and cuter to me,
glad - Uffda indeed! It will be the 5th move in 8 years. This one should be easy as she has little furniture/belongings and will need less than that where she is going. We will have to go through her clothing etc. I am not sure how much she will need there. My concern is getting through my cataract ops and time to heal from them, hopefully before moving her again.
upset - thanks. It is the frustration which is the hardest part. I just want it over. I am waiting for another email from the superviser. All he has done is listen to the adjuster, who does not know what she is doing, so neither does he. I am not impressed. I understand about the "may happen, may not." But it is nice to have a companion and a helper. My introvert tendencies are growing as I get older. I love it when R comes, and I love it when he leaves.
stacey - poor Charlie being faced with a squirrel!!! They live 15-8 years???? That's a long time! We have blue herons here too. They are interesting birds. A little "boring" in caregiving is not a bad thing. I am glad you were able to get out.
Getting some energy back after that flu. Cooking and laundry today. Shopping tomorrow before R comes. Hoping to get a decent night's sleep tonight. This is maybe a terrible thing to say, but, I am also hoping I will be free of caregiving by the time I am 85!!!
Nite all.