The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOLDEN!!!! May God Bless You and Keep You. May your every dream come true. Rays and Rays of healing light of love and peace, health and happiness to YOU!!!
Like Stacey,... I hope I am half the woman you are if I live to see 80. No wonder you are so full of wisdom and understanding. :) (((((Hugs)))))))) uhmma (kiss)! From my heart to yours!

Rainey that wedding sounded really down to earth. There used to be a saying that the real showy expensive wedding didn't last long.

Church sometimes we have to bite the bullet. I was not speaking to my sister when my son got married about 10yrs ago. For him, I wanted to make sure the whole family was there meaning my mother sister and 2 nephews. I always drove south with family over the years footing the bill. Only this time I had no car, and low money. I rented a car with the help of an x who used his card. I paid. The agreement was to split the bill 4 ways me, my mother sister and nephew who were employed the oldest nephew was not. I was counting on that repayment to pay for my room and gas. Well no one except my nephew and then my mother shared a room with me which was a shock and ruffled my feathers but it worked out because I had to buy all the gas going and coming and tolls and drive ?#$ the ususal. Well the trip down started real nice. My mother wore these raggedy shoes. We stopped and when I looked down I couldn't believe her it was like something told her to wear them for our safety or something so we all made her buy some shoes and we jokes about the shoes chasing the car then once the wedding came the drama came. IMy sister was coming out her mouth really twisted so bad that her sons looked sideways saying ma! Being old fashioned I wore a gown nothing fancy, I thought both my mother and sister could have represented a little better but I kept my mouth shut. Well at the reception I was finally ready to roll in the dirt with my sister. My nephew who drove us to the place refused to drive back. I had previously asked hime to be the d=esingnated driver so I could cock my tail at my son's wedding. I even started to sit away from them, nephew came and told me how bad it would look. It was very stressful. I think weddings and funerals bring out the truth of people. I told my sister to enjoy this ride because it was the last one she would lhave on me. I even pulled over once and started to put them out but I couldn't do that to my mother. I should have. My gut was screaming.!! Its amazing, and as usuall I would end up being the bad girl.
Even in the wedding party when my nephew refused to drive them, I'm driving and stuff was said I hit the brakes the rest of the cars went around us looking at us all funny. That was when I started to put them out. Then I had to call and get directions how to get back to the house. Its was sad but I did not dissapint my son. The head of the wife's family was a little siddidy ity tyti. Had just sold her house in queens and moved to south Carolina next door to her 2nd daughter. We were all split. My mother had no clue so I went sat next to her and listen to her boast about new house and how she didn't want no company. I said I don't like company neither. My son was like mommy I am so glad you broke the ice.
Im sitting there with all that transpired in jealousy and hatred between me and my mother and then on the way back my mother saying over and over its all my fault. Her way of brainwashing the dumb fools more against me. nWhile I am speeding to get the car back so I don't have to pay extra money ahrrh!!!
But it was all for my son. He went to Iraq serveral times and when he came back he was so disappointed that none of them responded to family events he planned except one time. Its so sad.

Happy Happy Birthday Golden!!!!! You are a treasure and I will write more to you when I have energy. Discovered mice droppings in my cat food drawer and the drawer next to it where I had packets of seeds. They got into all of the seed packets & made a mess which was not fun cleaning that out! Have a wonderful B-day, what's left and will check in tomorrow! *HUGS*

Rainey, yes turmeric comes in a capsule form. It is also used for cooking in lot of Indian and Arabic, cusine it looks a little like curry, a yellow flower. Not pleasant to my taste but the capsules are just fine. I take them when I start feeling the aches in my knees and bones.

I cant remember if it was you who bought up the severe knee pain link to menopause but that is exactly what happened to me. Around premenopause. I always had bad knees as a child. on top of that they are knobby. Nice legs that latter got spoiled with lymphedema in one leg after cheerleading injury. But that knee pain was horrific I have all kinds of diagnosis with them but sometimes my knees and legs would just hurt or give out. Its eased up a lot thank goodness but the turmeric helps when it tries to act up. Forget the rainey days....whew! And I was young. working in the ER a lot of foot work. We used to joke and say we needed rollerskates, which I cant do. I remember asking my mother if she had pains in her knees at that age. My mother has no issues except for dementia and other psych stuff undiagnosed. The blood pressure also but everytime I take it its normal. She takes the pills but I don't think regularly. I tend to babble.
I also use the old famous turpentine that send broke down for me with another option(I cant remember name) I use both.

Happy birthday golden, you certainly are pure gold to us!

Happy Birthday, Golden, and many happy, healthy returns! I don't know where I'd be without your input over the past few years. Thank you for being you, for being a support and inspiration. (((((hugs)))))

I'm home from my camping trip. It went well. I have some edema in my legs but probably because I was hiking around and my calves are sore. It was nice to do this trip.

Hope everyone is good and some of you were able to view the eclipse today.

Happiest of Birthdays Golden!

Happy Birthday to you, Golden!!🎂🎈🎁!! You have given so much to this thread with your knowledge of dysfunctional families w/caregiving issues. Enjoy your birthday and the precious time you spend with your grandchildren!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOLDEN!!!
Wishing you the very best Birthday Ever!!! You had a very busy week, Celebrating Birthdays with your Grands! August must be an expensive month for you, kinda like my February, as there is about 8 of us in the family with February birthdays.

I hope I'm half the woman that you are when I turn 80! You have been a fine friend, and an Inspiration to me in the six or so years that I have been on the AC site! You always know just what to say, and how to be of support for everyone! You are a bad Azz, and I hope you know how fond I am of you!

So go out there and Celebrate the rest of this Month, and the rest of the year too! And Wow, a Solar Eclipse on your special day! I'm glad there was something Fantastical just for you! I Love You! 😗😙😚❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Happy, happy Birthday Golden! You are a marvel!!!

(I nearly pressed post answer and realized I had typed you are a marble!) :)

But you are a marvel........I hope I am as sharp as you when I am 80. Good job!

Golden, Happy Birthday! Today was my aunt's 96th.

I now have a sorority on board. They will be helping clean this weekend - also donating their refundable bottles and cans.

Also met with guy who owns local building supply place. He is donating $2500.00 for supplies. Talked to two local oil distributors. Each is donating $1000.00 in heating oil. Probably will have to pay for $2000.00. My nonprofit papers are at the IRS in Boston. They called - told attorney we should have our number by the end of the week. I've done non-profits in Maine before and the agent knows I handle properly. I keep checking things off my list, but keep adding on. I would love to be open by the first of October. I've only had one problem. We registered for all licenses stating that it was a center for home caregivers of the elderly. A group of caregivers of children with disabilities say I am discriminating. I checked with the city attorney and he says no. I hope this is the end of it. Children with disabilities are a different modality and our programs won't meet those needs. And frankly, I don't think I could raise enough support for another group. I hope nothing else comes of it.

I'm enjoying talking with the caregivers. They've made good suggestions.

Happy Birthday Golden. 🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂

It has been quite a day. I got a call from AB Health Services about mother's impending move. The lady was very nice and she will do the assessment and discuss the available options while I am in E'ton. I will probably only make the latter part as I have an appointment that coincides. She said she has only had a couple of 100+ year olds in her whole career till this year when she has had about 5 so far. I mentioned the difficulty of being POA when you are 80, and she said I was not alone. I expect mother to be upset about this move, as she likes it where she is. She has had fears about food and feeding in NHs. The caseworker said there were several new NHs. The one R's dad was in had the same atmosphere as the ALF mother is in now. To me the staff is the most important thing. When mother is upset she tends to take it out on me and I have decided that if she starts I will just leave the room. I will warn the assessment lady in advance. R should be with me which will help. I will have to tell them that I have the cataract surgery coming up in Sept and Oct so need to coordinate that with mother's move. I am having some feelings about this move - sadness I guess. I hate to see mother upset by a move at her age, but understand that she needs more help than they are set up to give.

The eclipse did not show anything much here. It was just somewhat overcast for a while

Then I got a call from the insurance lady who still did not have a clue about what we had sent her. So I went over it verbally with her and I think she got it. Obviously, she had not examined anything we sent her. It really says to me that her reading skills are very poor. Then she wanted to discuss the settlement and I told her to put it in writing. I got an email not long after and haven't looked at it,

After that I got a lovely bouquet of flowers, from my overseas nephew and family, delivered to the door. It is my 80th birthday today. Dd came over with a small gift for me which I appreciate. With the eclipse thrown in, mother's move and the insurance lady with a settlement for the whole thing, it was quite a day.

cm - sounds like you have it covered. Even with saying nasty things you probably can't explain why you feel as you do. They haven't experienced what you have. Wish they would vanish - oh, yes!!!

rainey - wish there was something you could do except suffer each month but it doesn't look like it. Your wedding sounds like it was fun! Glad you kept your sibs out of it.

upset - agreed that the 4 corner arrangement was good. Your dil did very well.

I really was nervous about my son's wedding. My divorce was not pleasant. My daughter-in law was so nice she even seated me, my uncle and aunt on the front row of the groom's side so I didn't even have to see the back of their heads. I thought putting each side of the families in the four corners was great.

Golden,
Hormones and I don't mix well. Haven't since I was young. Tried many different dosages and forms. Lots of bad side effects. So, no, I just gotta stick it out and I will be back to normal in a day or so.

Weddings. LOL! I had the most unconventional wedding ever! I let a handful of people know, told them they were under no obligation to come or bring a gift. It would be a short ceremony at the JOP, then back to our place where I catered my own wedding with different snacks, cakes, goodies, it was very casual and the only one in my family present, was my Mom. I don't believe in the huge waste of money on one day, it is for the people getting married, not for the entourage! At least, that is my opionion. I did not even do a traditional wedding cake, I got several different things in case people didn't like a certain thing, they had options! 
I was very happy and nobody else was on pressure to perform. And my siblings, was so glad they weren't there. They did not even know about it so no ill feelings to be had! A secret wedding except for a handful of friends. No obligations. It was great!

I've already made up my mind that when it's my niece or as yet unmarried nephews getting hitched, should I be invited, I'll have a pressing engagement elsewhere but send a nice present. Too much to hope that sister-in-law or either of my brothers will have the tact to realise how unwelcome they'll be (to me, at least) and do the same.

Gosh I wish they'd just vanish.

There will be solutions, of course, and you can't expect to adore everyone you ever meet anyway; but I resent the thought of having to tiptoe through the bloody tulips instead of relaxing and enjoying the main event.

Ex-husband and wife can be my buffer. The reality is that he'll be paying for the whole ghastly bunfight so I can cunningly split (step)mother-of-the-bride duties with her and sneak out of the high risk ones, heh-heh-heh.

I'm afraid that Daughter 2, in common with her nice cousins, is still thinking in terms of "let's just all get together and be friends." She, and Lovely Nephew 1 who called a while ago with the news that he and wife are pregnant, are aware that their parents aren't speaking but not, clearly, of quite how bad things became or why. And you can't really explain without saying nasty things about people they're fond of and breaking your own rules. "I'm not blaming her, but I can't see your aunt's/mother's face without wanting to smash my fist into it." Not sure that would completely clarify the issue...

upset - I use turmeric regularly for FM in capsule form. It is one of the supplements that is recommended. Duck may not see your question as she is not on regularly. Your son and dil did a wonderful job of their wedding,

rainey - so sorry you are so wiped by your menses. Has any dr offered a solution like low level hormones?

cm - that is a predicament. Does your dd know your feelings? I feel it is up to her to invite who she chooses to, but also in some way to acknowledge your feelings and work with you to make as suitable arrangements as possible. It is horrible that such a wonderful occasion can be marred by family dysfunction, but I know well that it can. I generally grit my teeth, stay away from the ones I find offensive, and come late, leave early or both. I don't know if any of those ideas are helpful for you on your upcoming situation. Know that I understand.

cwille -good suggestions. A referee would be great.

guest - a wedding buddy is a good idea - also excusing yourself from unwanted conversations.

CM, my stepfather (may he NOT rest in peace) was at the funerals for my half-brother and for my grandmother. I sat with my husband and ignored him for the most part. When he came up and insisted on talking to me, I excused myself politely and went to sit somewhere else. Husband stood in between me and him when I left and no drama. Do you have a funeral/wedding buddy? I understand the feelings about your siblings. I truly do. Don't give them any more power over you. Upset is right - let the youngsters arrange wedding, especially if you are not paying:) When my husband and I married, we were at justice of peace and had 3 other people. The only way not to have his parents and my parents and their nasty siblings/cousins at the wedding. At least Daughter2 wants you at the wedding. And it will put your siblings in the position of giving a wedding gift - one less thing for daughter to have to get for herself. Hugs and thinking of you and your gracious self.

CM, My son and his fiancé planned their own wedding. No input from her parents or me and my ex-husband. Her family was very,very large. My family large, but not as. They bad a large number of mutual college friends. They had their wedding at their university alumni center on the weekend of a big football game. They invited me and my ex and his girlfriend. They seated me and my ex with on the groom's side. I was seated with my paternal uncle and his wife. My ex sat with parents. My mother was not invited and was told early on because of her vindicative behavior she was not being invited. My son invited two of my first cousins and their spouses. The bride invited her brothers and sisters and their families. And all of their friends. At the reception the families were put in the four corners. Friends in the middle and bridal party up front. My ex's GF was seated in the back of the church and at the reception. No fights broke out and the wedding was nice. I sure didn't miss my badbro or his family or my Mom. PJ was my date. Because he is a Catholic deacon he r did couple of readings and he sat up front with the minister. My DIL is Catholic and wanted that. It was different but peaceful and nice. When anyone asked why someone wasn't invited, I smiled politely and said the. bride and groom planned their own wedding and paid for everything.

CM, your daughter has to know how you feel, so unless she harbours an unrealistic hope of reunification then she should be willing to work with you on this, unless the guest list is very small you can be seated far enough apart that you don't have to accidentally bump elbows. And is there anyone who can be brought along to act as a lookout whose sole task is to keep the warring factions apart?

I am going to be in need of some guidance. Nothing immediate, but it's a "distant elephant" and I don't want to get squished.

Daughter 2 is engaged :D

We are all thrilled for her. Yes we are. Even me. Fiancé is a nicely brought-up young man who makes her very happy, and what else counts? (Well quite a lot of things, actually, like brains and getting a decent shave and not talking nineteen to the dozen when one is trying to read; but nevertheless, he makes her very happy - in contrast to the previous serious boyfriend who while excellent in other ways made her miserable - so that is all I really care about).

The wedding date is yet to be decided even vaguely. But one subject that has already been touched on is the guest list. Daughter 1 broached it first, discreetly: what about my siblings?

I will enjoy my daughter's wedding day a great deal more if they are not there. But it's not my wedding, and the guest list is not up to me.

Daughter 2, Bride To Be, does want her aunts and uncles and cousins there. She has her own relationship with them which I have conscientiously not intruded on.

So what do I do about the No Contact rule?

I'm doing better, there are fewer nightmares and a lot less rumination, but that's taken over a year of zero communication with them. I have not yet advanced to the point where I can promise that if I come face to face with one of them I will not punch them in the nose or spit in their eye.

Upset,
Tumeric comes in a capsule form or I have even seen it in teas. Sorry, been too wiped out to post much lately, the monthly nightmare really takes the wind out of my sails.

Can someone check on Chris516 over on "The Caregiver How are you today?" thread, where Bookluvr has been posting???

duck - you are a trooper to hang in there and keep helping your mum. I wish you get some appreciation and acceptance

east - your mother and bro have been unkind to you before over the years. I guess am not surprised. I think he is p/o ed at you for not going there to care for your mother. She does need more care. I am sorry about your stomach troubles and hope you can find some answers to help it. Do get out and walk some, It will help everything - better to walk than sit and stew about your problems. Nonetheless you sounded a bit more upbeat which is good.

upset - very well done involving the frats and probably sororities. You are full of good ideas. I hope you get some good rest tonight.

Glad I am sorry you feel displaced. I know some have felt awkward about staying here after their parent passed. I also know you have been left out a lot by your tws.

It seems to be a characteristic of dysfun fams. A sib gets targeted as the black sheep/ Cinderella child who is designated to do the work but not be received/treated in the family as an equal member. It is pretty unhealthy behaviour and very hurtful.

Bed time here - g'night all.

Those sibs that do not include everyone. Been there. Initially there was a bit of hurt. But, really I wished I had been asked just so I would have the opportunity to decline. I wanted to hurt them back just as they had hurt me mercilessly. But, would it have hurt them if I had the opportunity to say no? Probably not they were probably relieved as I was that I then did not have to feel guilty about saying no. Cockeyed? Yes. But I got through it.

I am reading here everyday. Still feeling displaced. So, know, all I am thinking of you all.

DDuck, In what form do you take tumeric?

Hey East, Country Mouse is right. Would you have wanted to be there anyway. My mother and sister did the same a long time ago with my Grandmother. My cousin called and asked me why I wasn't there I told her I didn't know. They did that all the time. It used to hurt. But I think and know it was best because our energies don't mesh. It was best I for me not to be around them both, still is.
People like them want to make you feel like you don't matter. But you do. And Im sure they were reminded of that at some point during the day. It probably killed them to hear your name called, ie "where is East". :)

Ali, I forgot to mention that turmeric is good for arthritis and also for the brain. Hope you enjoyed your trip.

Almost, see how things work out!. That is awesome. Two old best boon coons got to say their good byes. I don't think it would have been as nice or meaningful if it was under your sisters watch. It probably would not have happened ever. Because of her spirit. So happy for you. I just prayed and Thanked God today. I prayed yesterday that I could just let go. stop worrying drop this anxiety and feeding into the negative vibes around me. This afternoon as I left for work I felt peaceful for a change. I am happy for you and it greatly encourages me everytime I read a post that shows powerful movement of good despite evil intervention.