The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

East, my guess would be that they knew better than to plan anything for your mother's birthday too; and that this wasn't a plan, it was a spontaneous visit which they played by ear. Nice of them, no? - from your mother's point of view, anyway, and she was the birthday girl after all. Don't take it to heart. I know it's "nice to be asked" as my aunt always used to say, but would you really have wanted to shlep all the way over there for a slice of shop-bought cake?

East, I'm sorry to hear about all of your stomach problems. That was not nice at all of your brother to not include you in your Mother's birthday celebration. But I doubt given his past behavior that you are surprised. Take care of yourself.

Hi Everyone ! This is quick post, I will write more tomorrow. I can relate to all the subjects here. Menopause: I had a rough time, glad it's over. I had horrible nights: could not sleep at all - due to hot flashes & night sweats, and then I would be freezing! Did any of you have painful joints, such as knees and elbows? Because I had both, my knees were killing me, and my elbows hurt, usually towards the end of the day - very stiff - and I had a hard time climbing stairs. I was told by my Doctor and Physical Therapist that it was due to weak leg muscles but I never had this problem before. Then I read, somewhere, that it was a symptom of menopause. Gardening, well I had not done any work in my small flower garden all summer. Then this past Thursday, I decided that I had to get the fertilizer sticks put in around the flowers. I didn't do much work at all, but that afternoon, and for the next 2 days my legs were so sore!! I knew that I was out of shape, I had not out walking, and I was sitting around the house worrying about my stomach problems, etc. But this was a real wake-up call to try to get some walking done. Then, to add "insult to injury" my stomach was really bad that night and the next morning. But, I never learn my lesson, on Saturday morning I had to have coffee, and so I had heartburn as well. I have been to Doctors, had several Upper endoscopies, and colon. too, and took acid blockers for along time, and it ended up that I had stomach polyps which had to be removed, and the Doc said it could be caused by the acid blockers !! The update for my Mother: I talked to her on Monday, and the whole experience of her having the CNA in to help her has totally "Backfired" because my Mother was so miserable while she was there. I talked to the CNA and she was so nice, we discussed many things. So, the CNA, and the Visiting Nurse, and I, all agreed that my Mother should have at least a few hours of help per day. But, my Mother told the nurse that she was not "made of money" so there will be no help. My Mother and I agreed that she would call me, and I would wait for her calls, because she can't get to the phone that fast, and I don't want her to fall trying to answer my calls. That was on Monday, and so far she has not called me. I have not heard from my Brother either. One last thing: my Mother's B'Day was last Saturday the 12th. I knew better than to plan anything for her, since she had not been feeling well all week. I would never just show up at her house either. So, my Kids and I decided to wait to until another weekend to visit her. But, I found out on Monday, that my Brother, his Wife, his 2 Sons and the older son's wife and baby, all went to my Mother's house with a B'Day cake, food and presents. I did not get a call from anyone to let me know they planned this, or to ask if I wanted to be there too. Then my Cousin called me and she said she had called my Mother on Saturday, she had more candy for her, but my Brother answered the phone, and he told her they were there for Mom's birthday, she told him that she had the candy, but he did not invite my cousin over. She told me that he was not friendly to her at all. I told her that he has not been in touch with me for almost a month. So, I will get back to you all tomorrow. Thanks Everyone.

Almost, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Seeing that cardinal is surely a sign. Take care of yourself over these next days.

As a therapist I've found interventions to be nothing like those shown on television. In my experience there is hysteria, screaming, hurling nasty accusations etc. And if anyone does go  in for treatment, they're usually hauled in screaming and kicking or transported on a stretcher due to overdose.

Did something this afternoon I haven't done since my late teens or early 20's - spent 2 hours at a fraternity house. I was making my pitch to members for the caregivers center to be their service project for the upcoming year. And they agreed to do so. Next Saturday morning they are going to come and help do the exterior cleanup. They are also going to donate all of their beer/soda cans and bottles, liquor bottles, water bottles, etc so we can turn in on for deposit money. That's big deal. We'll probably net a couple of hundred dollars a week. They are going to talk to their sister sorority and get them on board. So another idea checked off my list.

I'm trying to figure out how to improve the POA system in Maine. So many women get totally messed over by the system. I do have the lady from this morning settled in a small apartment. I notified the police about her brother. I took her to buy groceries, made sure she had clothing. Tomorrow I'll try to get her Social Security sent to her instead of her Dad's account and also contact the bank about the fraud her brother and father committed with her Social Security account.

PJ is coming over - we're going out to dinner. I'm so tired, my head may crash into my plate.

black hole - well said

trying - yes, their bad decisions and the outcomes of them, are not your problem.

Not that it is easy to sit back and watch the train wrecks happen, but worrying about it doesn't help.

stacey - when someone is hospice sees a loved one it usually means the end is near does it not? (((((((hugs))))) You are a trooper. I gather there is more talk of bil coming to visit. I hope he stays out of the way.

rainey - hope you are feeling better. Sounds like you have a really hard time. Some of us are facebook friends and post photos there. This site is not into photograph sharing. If anyone wants to friend me on facebook just pm me.

upset I suppose you are busy helping that lady. She is so fortunate to have you to call on. That bro is way overstepping his role as POA - in fact abusing it.

sharyn - Happy gardening! I hear you about downsizing there too. I like easy care perennials and lots of hardy rose bushes and evergreens.

Margeaux - you have dropped off our radar. Hope you are doing OK.

I am so relieved about passing my driver's medical. I don't know why I was so concerned about it. Probably because it comes as a sign of aging which none of us like. More flowers on those tomatoes, so we may get some fruit yet.

Have a good day everyone.

Almost, thinking of you as you grieve for your Dad and your Mom, but believing that they are now together will bring you great comfort, I know that it does for me!

Arranging the visit between your Dad and his good friend was such an Awesome gesture, and one I know he appreciated! Now That's what daughter's are supposed to do!

Seeing the Cardinal, now that must have been something! So glad you got it on video! I have had many 'signs", over the years, and always at just the time I need them to happen, I'm a believer!

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope the coming days with friends and family remind you of his life well lived, and bring you peace. Take care!

My FIL, at home with us and on Hospice, told me that he had his first ever dream about his deceased sister, and she got into the bed with him. He wasn't scared and thought it was so great to see her again! They were youngsters in his dream, and I thought it was So Cool! He did too!

Almost-my sincere sympathies to you on the loss of your Dad. Sending out thoughts of peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Almost ((((Hugs)))), my sincere sympathies for your loss. I am happy you have had this time with him as well as arranging the visit for his friend. Your father is aware of your love for him.

Almost, I am so sorry for your loss. There have been many deaths inn the past few months among us here. Know that your parents are once more together and free of their illnesses and now again whole.

((((((((hugs))))))) almost, and my deepest condolences in your loss. I know you will miss him terribly and yet are happy that he has rejoined your mum. Isn't it comforting when we get signs? I hope the days ahead as you do what has to be done, are reasonable. Please look after you. Grief is hard on a person.

My Dad is with my Mom in Heaven at 9:50am. When I came home, I sat at on the porch and heard flapping wings. I looked up and it was a female Cardinal, I know that my Mom and Dad are ok and together. I was able to capture a video on my phone so I can cherish this moment for a long time.

Oops, I should have included abusive POA sisters to the above post.

Wow, BlackHole, thank you. Your words really resonated with me, we have much in common. I too was the designated family fixer and all that comes with that. I love what you told your stepdad about offering your Mom "every sensible relief or option" you could think of.

When the feelings of guilt kick in because I will not join the circus I will remember those words. I too offered sane and sensible options that were dismissed without consideration. My sister chose a path that, IMO, is not sensible. I am not responsible for the hardships her choices are costing her or her family. I can love her and still choose not to be complicit.

DD,
Hydreangeas can be fussy for several reasons.
Not enough water
Not the "just right location" of sun and mostly shade
Lack of nutrients in soil (I use maxsea fertilizer) they like acid based fertilizers
Weather!!!! We had a record amount of rain last winter then it got really warm! Crazy! So, that can be disease spreading.
Even though I sprayed em with neem oil, it kept coming back.
So, eventually I cut em all back and stripped the leaves. Start over.
I will look to get em out of the pots next year and see how they do, I have a perfect spot for them! The ones in the ground did not have the disease issues that the potted ones did but I am sure we are also in different zones.
Upset also had a great idea with the nails if you want the flowers to turn blue!

Wow, Trying. Your sister! She's a doozy. You spoke from the perfect script, during recent convo with BIL.

Very sad, what you went through during her Mohawk Phase. A classic example of No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. But you learned from it, even sis and BIL didn't. Surely their home life is rough. But as we say: Not your monkey, not your circus.

Interventions seem to be a construct of television and pop psychology. And not something that works in real life.

Several years ago -- in a moment of well-earned despair -- my stepdad asked me to join him in confronting my mother about her escalating control issues, irrationality and self-neglect. That phone call set off a million "parentified child" triggers (that I still fight, and everyone is dead now!). And I told stepdad "No."

Stepdad was shocked and disappointed. I told him that Mom has always been like that. I agreed that she was getting worse with age, and that I had no idea if it was ramped-up neuroses or an organic deterioration. I told him that I have offered Mom every sensible relief or option I can think of, only to be met with conversation-ending defensiveness.

So -- in short -- "your wife, your problem." It was uncomfortable for me to take that stand. Mom's first marriage (to my father) was a full-time exercise in casting me as the fixer, the soother, the balm, the swing vote. That's a hard thing to shake as an adult. I had never really been put to the test of "have I moved on or haven't I?" Until then.

((((((almost)))))) so good that your dad and his friend could spend some tie together Siblings can be so different. Thinking of you as your dad winds down. I know this is a very hard time. I am glad you can be with him on your shift. Keep us updated.

ladies - so sorry so many of you have/have had had horrible monthly issues. It sure affects your QOL. I had long drawn out pms which wasn't good for anyone. But when I met hub #2 everything snapped into place - I guess the chemistry was right. My thyroid was low around menopause so being cold from that offset any hot flashes. I think had 2.

upset - you are one woman social service department. That was dreadful treatment from her brother. I don't suppose there is any chance of the mother changing the POAs to her daughter. It is very hard being a caregiver without having POA and allows for that kind of abuse. I suppose there are some parts of the country that have those kinds of "values". Can the police do anything other than escort her? Can she charge her brother? I fear for the safety/well being of the mother. Someone needs to keep an eye on that household.

trying - Oh my, bil needs to solve his own problems and not triangulate.Your sis does have a few screws loose from the sound of it, but it is not your problem except when it adversely affects the health of your mum and dad, and even then there is not much you can do. Glad your dad is enjoying his meals.Sounds like you are an innovative gardener.

Had a nice DQ lunch with dgs. We are very comfortable together. He told me what he wanted for his extra present, which was a little more expensive than usual but I said yes and got a huge hug. I will send dgd a little extra as her present was inexpensive. Dgs and I had a lovely moment during the Christmas candlelight service when he lit his candle, then mine, and then we passed it on. The other family members were off somewhere else in the church at that point, so it was just the two if us and meaningful. I was present at the birth of the 2 oldest gkids and cared for them so them so their parents could have their first night out alone. I was looking after my dgd when youngest dgs was born, so missed that, but they were living with me then, so I had lots of time with them. Oldest dgs in E'ton is very happy to see me and go out with me anytime. We are friends. I feel fortunate in all this.

sharyn -opportunities to bond with grandchildren are very important for the family.

Having to repack a bit for going away as the weather as changed towards fall weather here, but it will be warmer down south. Good being over this flu but am still very slow in the mornings. Coffee!!!!!

Oh Upset!!!! This is horrible. This is not the first time I have heard of a brother with POA who has been abusive to the sister who is doing the 24/7 caregiving. These caregivers should have more protection under the POA when brother does not want to do the caregiving. I realize this may very well be a rough new beginning for her in terms of securing a job/ financial income, but I honestly hope she does not agree to go back. Big kudos to you for reacting so quickly and having resources to set her up with food, clothing and shelter.

Upset-I love the Taste of Home idea you all are providing at the Nursing home I will keep that in mind should my folks ever move to a nursing care facility. The more limited our elderly become the more important I think good food is for them. There is nothing my Dad enjoys more than tearing into a home cooked meal. He eats every bite on his plate. Lately all he wants to do is sleep but he perks up when dinner is served!

Stacey-You have been on my mind. It's intense when a loved one has entered the hospice phase. Take care.

Sharyn-I did read how progressive Maine is with elder care services. Kudos to Maine! My husband and I talk about moving there after my folks are gone to be closer to his family (really nice people). I love my two siblings but they are hard to be around. It's nice to know Maine is an elder friendly state. Ohio too, right Upset? That's great to hear. I agree with Golden, if it's done in some places why not others?

I love reading all the gardening posts. We have no yard to speak of, we live in a second floor apartment above the space where my business was. We do have a large flat roof outside our back door where I grow tons of potted flowers herbs and tomatoes. I also have two small community garden spaces, one for vegetables and one for herbs. This year I tried bronze fennel and it is spectacular. Yummy too!

Gardening has become my go to recreational outlet. Our winters are long so this year I plan to set up a table in my house to grow herbs over the winter and seedlings in the Spring. I bought a grow light and I am researching best methods. Any advice would be most welcome!

Got a call from BIL, he is desperate. It was a long conversation and he told me many things that are going on that I was not aware of, although non of it surprised me. Sis is getting worse and not just with the folks. BIL kept asking me why she is so controlling and unable to let anything go and why is my mother the way she is. I had no real answers for him except that their behavior is a culmination of years of dysfunction and chronic refusal to address mental health issues.

This is not the first time BIL has turned to me for help dealing with Sis. About 10 years ago Sis was involved in a "cult" (for lack of a better word). She was following a woman who claimed to be Mohawk and was proselytizing a blend of Native American and Eastern spirituality with an end of days theory thrown in.

I have a "whatever-works-for-you" point of view regarding religion but things got pretty bad when Sis started hosting gatherings for this woman and her followers. When the group was there, Sis gave over their bedroom and waited on the woman hand and foot. She spent thousands of dollars on out buildings to accommodate the "visitors". She coerced BIL into building and maintaining these structures. The whole thing came to a head when my niece (a teen at the time) became distraught over an incident. BIL turned to me for help and I took the bait. I found out which Mohawk tribe the woman claimed to be from and contacted them. They looked into it and informed me they knew nothing about this woman and actually contacted her to cease and desist her claims. Of course all hades broke loose and the woman threw Sis out of the group. Sis was devastated and did not speak to me for a very long time. She still harbors deep resentment over this. BIL, of course, stood by Sis's side and turned frosty towards me. In retrospect I should never have gotten involved. It was none of my business and I should have told BIL in a loving way that my heart went out to him and his family but this was between him and Sis. It was a bitter lesson for me. That is exactly what I intend to do now. I love Sis but she is a manipulative abuser and like any victim of abuse BIL needs to decide for himselfwhat he will and will not put up with.

I had one of my caregiver ladies call me this am. Her brother came to visit her mother this morning. He didn't like what she had fixed for breakfast. He threw a big fit, accused her of stealing grocery money and literally threw her out of the house. He is medical POA and has financial POA. She gave up everything - apartment, job, etc to take care of her parents. No car, no money. I went and picked her up. I have a fiend who owns some tiny apartments - furnished studios. He's putting her up there. I took her to the grocery and bought some food for her. I'm going to take her to thrift store to pick up some clothes when they open at noon. She's a nice lady and none of this should have happened to her. I called the police about getting her an escort to go back to the house to pick up her personal belongings. They said they would this afternoon. She has medications she needs. What a rat of a brother. He told her he didn't want her around them at all. He said he would put them in ALF before she could come back. Women are so routinely abused by the male members of their families around here. It's disgusting.

Rainey, Maybe an out side page would be good. I know nothing about Pinterest. I know you can set up a private group on Facebook. Several friends have recipe pages and crafts/quilting pages. Also they have made it easier to control privacy on Facebook. My friend Mindy posts a lot of flowers and recipes. Instagram also posts pictures and you can control who sees but I know absolutely nothing about Instagram.

Rainey that sounds like the one that is in ground by lamp post. It bloomed this year but not as big and pretty but overshadowed the new one right next to it. I have to figure it out but know I will definitely transfer it either by the tree or a pot.

Go to edit profile and download picture. My son did it for me, I don't have private computer the one I have is old and I had it fixed but have to figure out wifi also. I have a hotspot on my phone but I don't think that is enough for computer use. If you can download pics from phone I guess send in email to computer and save. I would love to see pics of all these fab flowers and bushes!! Signing off for a few got to get to finish up a few things. Rays of light and peace to all.

Ah almost,
What a wonderful thing for your dad and his friend - truly a gift !

Almost, I'm so glad your Dad got to visit with his long time friend. If your sister decides not stay for his funeral, that is her decision and one that she will most likely regret in the future. Do what you need to do for yourself and take good care of yourself.

I told a few close family friends that Dad was in Hospice. Our closet neighborhood friend and her Dad ( Dad's best friend for the past 38 years) were planning on coming to see Dad today. The daughter went thru many hoops to be able to take her Dad out of surgical rehab unit this morning to see him. Dad went to visit him in his hospital just weeks before. My sister arrived to cover today's shift walked in and made her rehearsed fake little speech to the nurse saying. I understand she planned to have visitors come today, but I see Dad is not in any condition to entertain visitors, do you agree that we need to allow Dad to catch up on his much needed rest, I feel it's best for him to not be disturbed." The nurse agreed with my sister. So I had to immediately inform them that she feels it's best to not allow visitors today. The daughter replied thank you very much for the information.
I texted my friend later this afternoon to let her know that I was going to be back on duty this evening and to feel free to come on by, but I couldn't guarantee that Dad will be up for anything. She responded that they took a chance and came down and it meant so much to both our Dads to have that moment together. She said her father had a very nice conversation with my Dad and they didn't expect to be able to have such a wonderful and meaningful visit and it made my Dad smile and her Dad smile too. My sister told her that when Dad leaves, she isn't going to stay for his services, she can't wait to be out of here and she will immediately fly home. I'm sorry she feels that way, but if that's her descision I respect that. I know that I will still be there for myself and for my Dad and fiends and loved ones. I guess our family dysfunction will be over with soon. No family, no dysfunction. I will get counseling to help me get through the whole grieving process and move forward one day at a time. Thank you all for helping me through this tough time.

Upset,
I understand the anonimity thing, I was actually thinking of an outside type of page like pintrest or something like that. Just pictures of flowers and trees would be pretty anonymous, yes? I have never done anything like that as you can see I don't have a cool pic next to my name like many on this site because I don't know how to do that!!! LOL! 

DD, my experience with hydrangeas in pots is they look good for a few years, then they start getting root bound and start to look crumby, are more apt to diseases, then it's time to transplant into the ground. Mine looked awful this year. Powdery mildew and dark spots on the leaves. I finally whopped em down. They are coming back but I will transplant them next year. 

Just went over to make sure Mom turned her lights on, she was searching for a dictionary. She has not had one in years. Now this is the new fixation. Time to find her a simplistic dictionary so she can have that. Last year it was a medical dictionary. Poor thing has nothing better to occupy herself with than latest fixations.

bookluvr, that was great advice. Wow, 7 siblings and you did everything. Glad SIL spoke up and was heard. I do believe things work out in the end.

Ali, once you get out there in the fresh air..........!! Have fun, enjoy, beware of the bears, and raccoons and all those other critters!! Enjoy, Enjoy. BAck to Nature.

Upset, what you are doing is awesome. You got skills, girl!!!
You know your gift, I wish you the best in all.

Oh My Goodness! Sharyn and Rainey. Sounds like so much fun. In New York City there are areas that have lawns and such but in the city parts, the sidewalk is our front yard. Recently they have increase planting trees and putting low guard fences around existing ones. My neighbor chose a maple tree with those burr balls. It was the worst choice, the roots are all in our sewerline on the house side and caused a major problem last year. I planted one hydrangea about 9 years ago. in a small bricked in area around a gas lamp in front. then I put anotherone from a more recent MOther's day next to it. Its over shadowed. I am thinking to put it in one of the large pots in front yard instead of the ground, good idea?
I think gardening brings us so close to nature next year I am looking for flowering perienials to put in pot around low pine bush I put in a pot out front. If I had a house with a lawn I be right there with you two doing my thing! Its lovely hearing about the plans it must be great planning and seeing your work flourish.