notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I've spent all day filling out grant applications. I've found 6 different grants to apply for. Tomorrow I'm meeting with some women from the caregivers group. I want input from them on what they think would be helpful, relaxing, etc. I've also been lining up beauticians, nail techs, etc who would be willing to donate some time each month. I also contacted the local vocational school. They are willing to send an instructor to supervise some of their senior students to do hair, manicures pedicures. I've also made calls getting donations for various things - paint, books, etc. I have an appointment with an attorney/CPA on Monday. He's going to file my application for non-profit status. A few things off the list. But I added a bunch more.
This week the attorney is going to talk to all four groups about wills, caregiver contracts, taxes, POA's and medical POA's. And the big topic in Maine - the state trying to make children responsible for Medicaid payback after their parents pass. It's not law, but one that may come up in the next legislative session. Wouldn't that be a mess?
The sprinklers, sod is done with river rock on the north and south sides. Once the sod has rooted, I can get the tall fescues transplanted in the back. It's a shame no one wants the red twig dogwood, I understand why though, lol!!!
Drama and pain for dd regarding her former bff (toxic friend). Dd is in process to have her Scentsy business transferred to another sponsor along with her recruits. Long story and not going to take up the thread for it, their director made a remark about dd showing she has been told untruthful info about dd.
Onward we go!!
I have lots of different varieties of hydrangeas. I have 2 oakleaf hydrangeas in big pots flanking my front door. Love them but everytime it gets really hot, the leaves get brown & crisped and I have to gently strip them off. Too much sun there so I will transplant them to a shadier location. The fall color of the leaves are supposed to be spectacular but I have not had the chance to really see that because I have them in too much direct sun. What a bummer because I would have loved that show on my porch entryway. That is why I am going to plant a crepe myrtle tree off to the left of the front door to add some protection from the blasting late afternoon sun. They even have water reservoirs in the pot, doesn't matter. I have plenty of other areas to transplant them and they should do better.
This year I bought two different types of climbing hydreangeas, I am super excited to see how well they do! I should call our place "The hydrangea house." LOL! Someday, when all of this is mature and gorgeous, some lucky person will get to live here and enjoy all the love and hard work it took to create a botanical paradise! We do have a decent sized property, under an acre so lots more to be done over the years. More money. I figure by the time we have everything fixed up, we will be close to 60 years old. Decks to be redone as they are rotting, front porch, because all was done in wood, so it's had it. We will re-do all in stone with iron railing. It will last forever. New driveway, front gate....... on and on. So the projects will keep going but I think it's fun creating what we want!
Most bulbs get planted in the fall. Only some others are spring like daylilies. Another addiction I have! There are so many gorgeous varieties but the most reliable and constant flowering is The Stella de Oro. So easy and gorgeous when done in mass plantings.
Thanks for understanding! I felt so awful when we got back yesterday but I just can't deal with this in public anymore! People can no longer mind their own business and I know it's just a matter of time before somone tries to say something and I will snap just like you. I frequent this store often and do not wish to have a black mark on me. The hardest part was telling her I was no longer taking her. She looked so sad. Then, I felt like such a jerk. Not to mention she said, "I'm sorry your stuck with me." 😔
Those hydrangeas will put on a lovely show for you every year, (just as long as no deer get at them!) Having them surrounding Mom's cottage is so charming and a beautiful statement. They are water hogs though and when it gets hot, they flop over like drama queens! They are tough despite these flops and can get super big over time. I have to chop em way down before winter or else they will block her windows. I do love them!
Planting now befor frost.
I'm going camping with friends this weekend. I leave this morning. I'm not in the best place, physically, to do such a trip but... Life is Short. I'm taking a bottle of Aleve with me. We'll see how it goes! I haven't been on a trip like this in many years, since high school/college age, I think.
Been there, done that. I'm sure many have on here. At some point, I stopped taking my dad to the grocery store, and instead bought his usual stuff for him to have on hand. It was just EASIER.
I remember once I was at the VA medical facility with him, one of a hundred all-afternoon trips I took him on to get his med care there before I switched it up to local care, and he had a time where he wanted me to drop everything and do something for him Right Now. He snapped at me, raised his voice and said he needed me Right Then, and I snapped back and told him I'd be right there. Well, wouldn't you know, a man behind the desk piped up and said "Hey, you be nice to your father!" I turned to him and said "This IS me being nice to my father, I'm here with him every week." I should've been more mature, I suppose, but at some point...
At some point, it's enough. You're not an angel, you're a human being. In my area, they have some people who either for volunteer to help seniors or for a small amount of money, they will pick up elders and go shopping with them. My dad seemed to do better with the paid caregiver towards the end of my time with him. They would go to the Aldi and they both like to go slow and putz around, so that worked out.
I ate a pear, finally, first one I've eaten this year. The people yesterday picked their own pears AND gave me $10!! Haha! They did take a bushel of them, but still, I didn't want any money for them. I'm just happy they're getting used up.
Random whine... I'm having some headaches again and I'm afraid they're being caused by my latest try of psychotropic meds, the small bit of trazodone I started taking at night to help me get to sleep. I think, based on the past few years of trying different things and reacting poorly to all of them, that I'm now in that category of people who can't take SSRIs. I'm not trying to rush to any judgment, but I can feel that I'm waking up with a bit of pressure feeling and hurting in my head and that's not good. Of all times of the day to have pressure headaches, having them when I first wake up is a bad sign, because then I know it's not anything I did, it's not a response to the day's efforts or anything else. I'll report to my psych and we'll see what happens. I'd love to have some help with mood stability and sleep patterns but... I don't know. I can't go around with pressure headaches. They feel like "anxiety" to me, then I want to take something to relieve the "anxiety." It's been a vicious cycle to find something to truly help w/o hurting the last 4 years. I think it's possible that there is nothing... nothing... that will help w/o also hurting. And I would think this BECAUSE I TRIED THEM ALLLLL. lol
Happy Friday, all!
I'm so glad that you're feeling somewhat better!
Upset, I love the ideas you're coming up with for a caregivers group. I would think that when we're doing hands on, our own self care is one of the first things to go. I didn't get a pedicure for nearly the entire time I was caregiving. And sure, I was fine, it's a luxury not a necessity, but it makes me happy to be able to do it now for myself. A local group would allow, I think, for more lengthy and personal discussion about some issues. Support is everything those who are in the trenches every day and night.
Monkey Puzzle tree! What a great name! Shasta daisies are so pretty. I have cone flowers here, too, my first time planting them. You guys are a bunch of gardeners and cooks. It's fun to read about your gardening and cooking adventures.
We have a wonderful caregiver's program here. It's part of the nationwide: National Family Caregivers Support Program. They have helped me a LOT (the few times I went.) We only have it once a month. And they provide us with a light breakfast (finger sandwiches, fruits, coffee, tea, etc...) Morning meeting. And then they provide us free lunch (take out orders from local restaurants).
Every meeting, there's a nurse who spends like 30 minutes before the meeting to take our vitals and documents it on the free medical booknote. We've had drawings - and I won a free haircut! When I went there, I found out that their haircuts cost much less than the other salons. I still go there. =) Yearly, for their members, us caregivers, they provide us with certificates (free or discounts) for the movie theaters, massage, hair cuts, etc...) On top of that, they also provide us for our 'patients' with discounts for supplies like pampers, wipes, etc... Because we fell on the low income, dad was able to get like $80.00 certificate to 'buy' the supplies from their 'donated' supplies of pampers, gloves, etc.... That was great, too!
Sometimes, our meeting would be educational. There was a lawyer who came in and explained about POA, etc... There was the gov't agency that came in and told us about Medicare and Social Security. (I learned how important we must apply for Social Security - even if we're still working. If we apply past the age we're suppose to - we would be penalized with a higher cost!)... They brought a counselor in to help us find ways to de-stress, etc... I never attended the 2 times when they had painting-to-destress... A few months ago, they had someone come in to show us how to take care of a bedridden person (hygiene, etc...) I have mostly attended the ones where we talked and speak up about our home life, vent, cried, etc... I will always be grateful to them. And that's why, Upsetsister, I'm in awe with you. I'm cheering for you. =)
Sigh... true about the sibs. I helped dad caregive mom for over 20 years. Dad had a stroke 5 years ago. I was caregiving 2 bedridden parents and a full time. None of 7 siblings offered to help me. I found a way to get oldest sis help babysit (doesn't do pampers, clean house, cook, etc..) Monday-Fridays while I'm at work. I was just so grateful for whatever help I can get. Mom died a year later. Status quo remained. My dad passed away this past July.
I and my siblings and SIL were shocked how my oldest sis tried to 'take over' with the funeral, etc.. my siblings - none of them wanted to sign anything. I ended up signing the No DNR, the No on dialysis and... eventually, it was my signature that authorized the doctor to take dad off life support. Nobody wanted the responsibility.
Yet, when it came to the funeral, oldest sis was quick to sign the document.... At the cemetary, oldest sis told me that she will be given the Flag (dad was a veteran, and got a veteran's funeral ceremony). I didn't think this was right. I was caregiving both parents for close to 26 years, I did all the pamper changing (sis still didn't do that)... Oldest sis came to help us 5 years ago. But I was silent because it's dad's funeral, I wasn't going to throw a hissy fit. Well, SIL (sister-in-law) was NOT going to put up with that. She quietly went up to the lady and told her that I was the one to get the flag. Now the lady was in a pickle because she had already told oldest sis that she was going to get the flag because she's the oldest. I felt soooo bad. I told her that I can share the holding of the Flag with my sister. In the end, the Guard gave me the flag...
Just watch your back. And always do whatever is in your conscience. This would help alleviate any guilt or 'should haves'. That's why I'm soooo glad that you were able to meet with your dad - alone!!! You take care. {{{Hugs}}}
I currently have my FIL back with us in our home on Hospice, and we too are dealing with my husband's siblings. Neither of them live in our state, but can still stress my husband out over the phone, and do often, like nearly daily. My husband spoke with his 1/2 sister today for the first time since their Dad got sick, but these two get together and instigate trouble from afar, and neither of them can be trusted.
I wish I could tell you it will be smooth sailing with your sister through the tragedy of your Dad's end of days, but we both know that's not true. Some family members act up when they are in the process of losing a parent, but my husband's Act Up All the Time! They are Jerks!
I'm so sorry for your recent loss of your Mom! I think that often parents died close together for a reason that we will never understand. Mine died 14 months apart. You try to take care of yourself now! Best wishes!
Excellent!!!! Very exciting! I am somewhat enjoying my first day of being able to enter and exit through the front door again and being able to open the windows and get fresh air in here again. The house does look a lot better however! Next year, we do the other side and back of the house. We will pick a different person though!
Just got back from getting Mom from hairdresser and our usual painful trip to the grocery store. I finally had to make the decision I am not taking her with me anymore. I feel awful but shopping with her has become a nightmare. She argues about what she has and doesn't have, argues about where in the store it's located, can't answer a simple "Yes I need that or No I don't" always tells me how much she has left instead. She eats like a mouse so you cannot judge from that because she eats like she is on war rationing, "I only eat 5 grapes a day, I only have so much in the container, I eat 1/4 of a yoplait." Does this make sense? No simple yes or no's. It's just excruciating. Then, if I start to get impatient, I get dirty looks from the other shoppers like I am being a big meanie. It is getting worse and worse. She can't describe what she needs, uses hand gestures, like I am a charades expert. I can't do it anymore. I had to tell her she cannot come with me anymore. It's just too stressful and I am never sure someone will call APS on me not knowing her brain is going. I feel like a jerk. I always feel like a jerk after going shopping with her because it is so frustrating. I have to keep my stress levels down and that would be enough to piss off the Pope!
I consider myself a pretty patient person, it takes a bit to get my ire up but when you just bought them something the night before and she stands there arguing that you didn't and she needs it, and you try calmly to explain over and over you just got it for her last night and she will not be convinced, what do you do??? I gotta draw the line unfortunately. 😥 I feel like such a jerk because I know she can't help it.
Thank you Mom, I know you helped make this happen. You knew I wasn't going to step foot in the old house again. I'm glad I got to tell Dad I love him. I know he is excited to go on his trip to meet you Mom. I'm happy the two of you will be together soon, I love you both so much!!!