notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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My list of things to do is growing longer and longer.
Thank God your son is alright!!!!! *Hugs*
Loving playing with my emojii's!😍😘😙😚
We have a Easter Lilly that my husband gave to his Mom many years ago. It was in there lake house garden (that must be 25 + years ago now), and we've had it in our yard for many years. There were 9 or so big flowers on it this year!
Plus I have a whole bunch of Chicken & Hens cacti, that have been transplanted at least 5 or 6 times now, house to house, which originated from My Grandfather's yard in the 60's! I know that I could get those anywhere, but it's the sentiment of their being in the family So Long, that they mean so much to me! Live Long and Prosper and all that, Lol!
SharynM, so glad to hear about your garden and all the planning involved. I'm sure it's going to be Beautiful!
It will be hard leaving all of those sorts of things when the time comes. Our home was brand new when we bought it, and the front was landscaped, but the back only just the fresh sod in it, so it was up to us to plantern and plan out all the gardens, and it was so much fun to do at the time! Of course, be sure to go for the Perennials, as they come back every year and often proliferate! Plants can get expensive! I have always invested about 300 dollars every year in Annuals, just to kick it up a notch, plus it's fun to do different color schemes too, reds & yellows one year, purples & pinks the next! Or sports teams colors!
This is the first year that we didn't plant any annuals, as we were so busy with moving the Old Man, and it got too late, just too tired to deal with it and I miss them so much! I did throw some seeds down here and there, and surprisingly they took hold, so we do have some colors spots! Keep the updates coming, as I'm enjoying hearing about it!
Nothing much worth chatting about here, but we're doing fine!
Stacey, We are going to leave in some beauty stations. We're also going to leave in manicure/pedicure stations. My next project is getting help in cleaning up and money for some repairs and operating costs. I'm going to meet with fraternities and sororities to see if they will help. To stay on campus they are required to do community service projects.
Stacey. I grew some years ago I divided and gave away!!
I was wondering if you have been able to take the time to investigate other Caregivers groups online, and see how they run their groups? From the sounds of things, you will put together a Caregivers group to be exemplified and modeled after!
We actually have a Caregivers group, our Counties area on Aging, who has just taken over a huge defunct Garden Center, right near my home. They are remodeling it now, and I'm sure it is going to be a huge asset to our community! Too bad it was a bit late for us in the "coming to a town near you', for us!
Gosh, I'm having a little trouble with my Tablet, it just Loves to fill in words that do not apply, as if it has a mind of its own, and sometimes it won't let me go back to a particular word in the sentence to correct or edit! Sheesh! but I did want to say GOOD FOR YOU!
You are doing a fabulous job with your group, and I'm sure they really appreciate it! Wow, you have done so much and so fast, creating a new outlet and fulfilling such a huge need for the Cargivers in you community! I wish you much success! They are so Lucky to have You!! Now, Go Get Um girl!
❤❤❤👍👍👍👏👏👏❤❤❤
We should have more garden talk too, it is such therapy to be out there in the dirt creating beauty to get your mind off of troubles!
Well we've done that now about 3 times over the years, and have a gorgeous display every year, they are So hardy! We also have a wall of Liliacs, against our side fence in the back yard, after planting many shooters from my inlaws garden when we first moved into this home, now 23 years ago. They are 14 feet tall now, and 30 + feet in length! The've taken over! Love them! And the Jasmin bush just outside my back door, so fragrant!
I did have a Monkey Puzzle tree that I bought on a whim from a grocery store garden center. It was about 8 inches when I planted it, and HAD to take it out last year at 11 feet tall (16 years old) as it was being overtaken by other bushes, and didn't have room to spread out and grow where it was. So Beautiful, the perfect branches, and was heartbreaking to lose it, never thinking it would do so well in the garden! Thankfully, a guy we hired to thatch our grass offered to transfer it to another clients garden, where he had the perfect spot for it. I've heard that big tall mature Monkey Puzzle Trees can go for several hundred dollars! We didn't care, I just didn't want it to die! Those things are hard to move, very spikey like a cactus!!
Just got back from Augusta and the Dept on Aging. I talked them into allocating 4 more hours of services in home to give caregivers in the groups a total of 8 hours of respite each week. I also picked up two grant applications to try to get grant money for caregiver counseling and a center with support services. I got a local businessman to give me a one year lease for $10 on a building to locate the center. It's an old beauty school building with several classrooms and also the beauty shop part. So I'll have to see if I can get it going.
Upset, the lemon dasiy may only be available from online nurseries right now, it is fairly new.
Just got back from Augusta and the Dept on Aging. I talked them into allocating 4 more hours of services in home to give caregivers in the groups a total of 8 hours of respite each week. I also picked up two grant applications to try to get grant money for caregiver counseling and a center with support services. I got a local businessman to give me a one year lease for $10 on a building to locate the center. It's an old beauty school building with several classrooms and also the beauty shop part. So I'll have to see if I can get it going.
My fellow plant junkie, sounds great!!!! I have a Twilight Crepe Myrtle in a pot waiting desperately for transplant. All was in waiting until we got house painted so now, Tally Ho, a planting I will go! Well, with a little help from husband on the Myrtle. We had a sad, dysfigured Lilac by our front door, that area gets really nailed by afternoon sun, so we tore out the sad little Lilac and will put the Myrtle there. Over time, hopefully we will get some shade from it as well as a gorgeous tree! We also planted a very tall Chinese Pistache Tree in our back area where we took down a gigantic Oak. Not safe so close to the house and what a mess it made too! We want some shade back and gorgeous fall color so I picked the Pistache. The maples do fine here except can get burned leaves if too much hot sun. Planted tons of dwarf blue plumbagos for the steep hilly areas, they spread and will be a gorgeous carpet of blue flowers the butterflies and hummimgbirds love. They also get great fall color so a win win!
The shade garden will be a variety of ferns, lucerne blue eyed grass, jack frost brunnera, climbing hydrangeas, hostas, heucheras and other wonderful goodies. At the center is a gorgeous japanese maple, a weeping scarlet princess. 😊
Do I detect a plant junkie like myself? LOL!!!! I am hopeless. I have plants all over waiting for new homes. I get them bare root, bulbs, or little starters, put them in pots to mature a bit with plans of integrating them into the yard itself. My husband has been complaining I have way too many (giggles) but......... I have been waiting on the area to get painted to plant my magical shade garden and now I can! So, a lot of my plants will dissapear from the deck and have a new home to grow even bigger and more beautifully! I am so excited but knowing me, I will be back at it in the spring of next year. I ordered so many bulbs last year that I took a break on those. Now I have one more order coming in fall of a few things and that will be the end of my planting for the year. The insanely hot weather has really cooled down for August, very strange but hey, I will take it! That allows me to stay outside and work. I love Japanese maples and fall colored trees. The house we purchased the previous owners had really let it go so we are re-doing everything, which is a lot! So, it will be a while before we have it all fixed up to our satisfaction. Little by little.
I love a beautiful garden!!!!!
Excellent advice for Almostanorphan!!!! I think you nailed it perfectly. I am sorry for the sad situation. I still can't believe people can't even conduct themselves in a civil manner when a parent is actively dying. Jeez, just set aside whatever issues are there and focus on the parent for God's sake! If siblings have issues, they should be "put on hold" until after. Then let the feathers fly if that is truly neccessary. I myself would walk away from that person and not give them an ounce of my energy. Very unhealthy after your parent has passed. I am dreading what it will be like when it comes to Mom dying. 😥
Ignore your bossy sibling. When my bossy sibling starts in on me I remind myself that she is lashing out because she has a disorder not because I am doing anything wrong. Controlling, judgmental people often act that way because they feel helpless and frightened. They don't have healthy coping skills to face these feelings. Lashing out in self righteous anger gives them a momentary feeling of power but the relief is short lived and they need to do it again and again. They become addicted to the behavior. You can't change your sibling any more than you can reverse your Dads decline. You can however, do what you must so you don't get broken.
Ali, some help with labor wood be nice but it is not going to happen. I can't even get a landscaper to come out to do the sprinklers and sod. I dislike working with contractors, stringing me along about start dates. I haven't paid anything so.....I'll try another company, lol!! It is not worth my blood pressure and emotional energy to call bugging them, getting angry. Either they want to do the work by showing up and doing it or they don't.
So sorry for the loss of your Mother, so recently.
Sounds as if you are already burned out and suffering so mucb yourself, now Dad's decline. Once that happens (burnout) it is like a nervous breakdown and you need immediate care and counseling, and rest for yourself. It is so understandable that you don't know what to do.
Because you said: "I am finally feeling self worth and believe that I can get through this"
there is a good chance you can recover after a few more days away.
If Dad is in the deep sleep stage (last you saw him) would he be awake at all to ask for you? But, I don't think you need to figure all this out. I am formulating an opinion for you based on my own experiences. And I believe what you are saying, how this is affecting you.
Sometimes, for your own health, you just cannot go back there for your own good reasons. Take some more days away, then decide. Don't torture yourself with worry or guilt if you decide not to go at all.
1) You can decide to go later. 2) You can decide not to go back. 3) You can decide to defer your decision to another time.
Meanwhile, rest up. Take care of yourself.
Painting is done! They finished later today, YAY!!! Now I can plant my little shade garden on the left side of the garage. I have lots of plants just itching to get out of their pots and be free! No more ugly rust stained walls from the irrigation well water and rotted belly boards. So excited to beautify that section that looked so bad for so long. Next year, we paint the rest of the house but NO MORE this year. Time to get ready for fall and winter.
You are so far from ditzy, your words are always full of care, smart advice, good humor, wisdom and thoughtfulness to all. Sorry you are going from one thing to another with illness, you must be getting tired of this. 🤒
You have a point about being a direct caregiver from an abusive family, but after badbro was pretty much on with his life, Mom and I were doing better together. My badbro was not doing anything to me and I rarely ever saw him. I felt I had started to move past it. My husband did warn me if she lived with us it would mean he would have access back into my life. As I said, even though I despise him, if he had been coming here just to spend quality time with her, I could have turned the other cheek. It was his constant mooching that brought it all back. I realized he had not changed his greedy, manipulating behavior. But Mom, standing silent again as he hurled accusations and untruths at me just made it so much worse. I felt transported to the same time he abused me as a child. Scared, a pit in my stomach. Felt like the same frightened little girl.
Volcanic rage that was dormant came bubbling back to the surface. Now I am in his crosshairs again.
Ali, the bit about the squirrels and the pears, hilarious!!!! I have plenty of them running around here too, they can wreak havoc but they are so fun to watch when they chase each other around the tree trunks at full speed! They do also love to plant things in my potted plants, God love em! 😉
Upset, your evening sounded wonderful, nice to be appreciated and make people so happy! Have you ever made Blackberry Ice Cream? One of my personal favorites! Oh, and cobbler too! Now I am craving it just thinking about it, darn it. Aldermans makes an excellent blackberry ice cream, tastes like homemade. Gotta get some soon 🍦
upset - you are a great asset to your community. Your mother lost out by not appreciating what a wonderful daughter she had. So nice that PJ and son play the piano for the "old folks". Love blackberries! The resources you are bringing to your therapy groups are invaluable, You are a powerhouse! Yes, getting out sooner would have been good. Hind sight is perfect.
rainey - Hope your painting is over soon. You had a wonderful experience with that Danish lady. What a great example she set. I am sorry you are sacrificing so much for your mother and having to deal with bad bro and all the painful feelings that come up. Some recommend that those of us who have been abused do not do hands on caregiving for that reason. I could not have. I know it affects your marriage too
sharyn -good for you. I want to know what is going in there too.
cm - nice to see you posting again with such good common sense
glad - let us know what admin says about including retired caregivers
duck - you have a birthday coming up - for me a hotel room is a treat
ali - glad caregiving your dad, though hard, was valuable. Sometimes your symptoms sound like the CFS I have. You are making good use of the pears. I am sure your neighbours ( including the squirrels) appreciate them too.
ff - your mother was a baker!!!
stacey - thinking of you and hub and fil. Sounds like he is declining again. I sure understand your feelings about the tub and that it will be time to move on once this caregiving is over.
Talking about tubs - a small indoor hot tub would be great for the aches and pains. My air jet tub is good, but a hot tub is better, but also more care.
Re dysfun fams and there always being dysfunction as long as there are family members, I think it is a matter of degree. When the most dysfun members are gone, surely the family can get healthier. Or if any family member gets healthier, the unit can get healthier. When dealing with dysfun fams it often seems to be a matter of degree - bad, worse and worst. We don't see good, better, best often. Though with work I think there can be a good, better, best.
If I come across as ditzy anywhere, I traded the headache for a sore throat and fatigue again. This has got to be over soon.
Bedtime for me now. Have a good night everyone!
Your perspective re your Dad is nice to hear. Glad that it helped you process as you needed. I wouldn't mind dealing with Mom quite as much (even though it can be challenging on many levels) if I did not have to deal with my badbro. I honestly never thought since he finally married and has her parents living with them and have a child, that he would still be trying to mooch off Mom. Yes, I gave the little jerk way too much credit apparently that he finally grew up! That has brought up all the dysfunction and old wounds right back to the surface. That is the part that is the worst. Second is the realization that again, Mom allows him to continue his abuse by saying nothing, just as she always has. This fires up my hurt and anger towards her at times and makes it more difficult to deal with her during trying moments. Then lastly, the way both brothers turned on me accusing me of monetary "ulterior motives" to just do what Mom asked of me. I never volunteered for this and have sacrificed so much of my life agreeing to her request. I knew, as did she, if she were in either of my brother's care, she would have been put in a home and broke by now. They had already made those thoughts known to both of us. I told her I would even help her move into lovely retirement community. Took her for the tour and everything! Nope. She didn't want it. She wanted to be with me. It is just the dysfuctional siblings that have made it far more difficult and painful than necessary that has made me often regret ever agreeing to her wishes. I know she's happy, that I have made sure of but, it has come at a high price to myself and my husbands own happiness and freedom.
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Pear pie makes some sense, FF, and I think it would probably be a lot like apple pie. Giving these pears away a bag at a time is making the clean up process more enjoyable. I feel motivated to collect the good pears before the squirrel bandits get to them. These squirrels, they take one bite out of each one, I’m convinced. They don’t want to eat the whole thing, they just want to sample each and every one of them. It’s messy but funny.
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I love blackberries, Upset. That’s always been my favorite jam. Do you do all this cooking for the nursing home on a volunteer basis? That’s so nice that you give them home cooked food!! What a nice gift to an elder person! Good food and special occasions, like the weekly Taste of Home dinner, can do so much to lift a person’s mood. That’s very kind, generous, and thoughtful of you to participate in that.
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Sharyn, I feel ya about the flower beds. It’s nice to get the work done, you’ll be so happy when it’s all put in, but yeah… I’ve often thought about “wouldn’t it be great to have labor help” for some of this stuff. You’re a trooper to be doing it all yourself. I have to add some topsoil to one flower bed here before summer is over. I did add a lot of it a couple years back but it seems to have all washed away, soaked in, whatever. It’s back to clay soil now. What’s going in the flower bed once you get it ready?
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Hi Rainey, Stacey, Golden, Duck, CM, and all of you lovelies. If I forgot anyone by name, I’m sorry! Thanks for being here, thanks for posting and participating.
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I feel for you guys, the ones who feel you’ve wasted years of your life on caregiving to dysfunctional situations that took advantage of your goodness. I know my situation was same as that, but I think I personally did get some good out of these past 6 years, too. I was able to face the situation of my father’s absenteeism, abuse, neglect, and come out the other side with some understanding. If I hadn’t come here, then he would’ve died someday and I would’ve felt relieved… but I never would have known him. Somehow, I think it’s good for me to have gotten to know him, warts and all. It’s made his mental problems, his “special needs” status, more real to me and now he’s not just some man I never knew, who was part of bad things in my life, who I thought wanted nothing to do with me. It’s far more complex than that. Somehow that seems ok, sitting on this side of being physically away from him for many months now. I don’t ever want to be around him for any period of time again. But… it was a very deep experience. Anyway.
I could lose all signs of any autoimmune flare up stuff, though! I do think the mold here kicked that up into high gear. THAT is something I very much regret and would like a “do over.” I would be alright with learning more about my father, but don’t hurt my health in any way.