notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
These situations always get worse, and why wait until the've beat you down until you have no self worth left?
There are classes you can take for displaced homemakers, you can find them through your local unemployment office, or the Community Colleges. They will help you to find work, I'd definitely start there, even if you have to hang on living there for a while until you get your bearings, then scram!
There's nothing worse than being dumped on, when the siblings have taken their parents for what there worth, then leave, leaving them broke, and expect You to pick up the pieces, and now care for an indolent parent. No amount of money is worth it, you do this kind of job out of Love or nothing at all! It's nice IF there's a little something left over, but you should never count on it, as most if the time, there isn't!
I went to the dinner this evening. As I was going in this little old man asked if I had cooked and I told him yes. He gave me a big hug and said he hoped I had made baked steak and gravy. I told him yes and he said he had to go get in the front of the line he didn't want to miss out. He's always been a nice man. He used to be a mechanic and owned the garage where I took my old car. It was a nice time. I visited a couple of ladies I know from when they went to church all the time. They are both bedfast and very ill. One of them was my son's 3rd grade teacher. This nursing home really tries to be "home" for the residents. It's not too depressing to go there. All of the rooms are private and have their own bathrooms. It's privately owned. All rooms are treated equal whether they are private pay or Medicaid. No one other than the administrator and billing office knows who is private and who is Medicaid. I think it should be that way everywhere.
I gotta agree with you completely! If the brothers were shutting me out already, I'd be damned before I put myself through all that. I would find my way outta there ASAP! Just not worth it when they are already accusing you before she has even really done anything.
Run MaPetit, Run!!!!!
Freqflyer, no, I don't believe she has had a test for UTI. She's gotten them most of her life and has been really good at taking preventitive measures. If she feels one coming on she usually gets it taken care of.
That's one of things that is such a struggle is her being a retired nurse she feels she is more knowledgeable then us regarding many health things and only she can really take care of it. In the past I would've agreed to an extent but now she exagerates or extremely under estimates situations, TIME and many other things. I discovered this week that she's been forgetting to take her regular meds and thus waking or ending the day in horrid pain and being rather unpleasant to be around. I offered her a med box with 3 alarms and daily boxes. She hasn't taken it yet but I may force her to do it.
Rainey69 no I am not her POA or DPOA, although we have discussed it as well as "will" issues. The thing I'm having to fight over is I am the most logical and safe person to be designated anything but my brother guilt trips her telling her he'd be honored and all this other BS. He and his friends have already said he better be put in charge as they actually believe I will cut him out of anything important. I guarantee there won't be anything of major financial worth including her house.
One of the things I'm most struggling with is sometimes she's her old normal self mentally. And then suddenly she's not. What would've been fine 5 minutes before is now not. I can't flip that quickly mentally and sometimes find myself trying to rationalize information to my frustration only to realize nothing I say or do will make a difference. Makes me want to pull out my hair, but I love my hair so that wouldn't go over well.
Time for work so off I go. Thanks again everyone.
I know what you mean, I am almost ready to plant my shade garden, painters are finishing today and hope to do it this weekend. I will need a spa afterwards but I don't have one 😥 So a heating pad will have to make do. The tub in this house is pretty much useless and incredibly uncomfortable. Not much thought put into that one. Someday................ I will NEED a spa to be able to move! LOL!
You are a philanthropist! I am always amazed by your kind actions for people. You are a rare gem, the people I meet like you are so few, only one client of mine (an elderly Dane, was an amazing woman and we became fast friends) she was first bringing me pecan pies (even with whipped cream!) and she knew I loved Victorian Houses as did she, so she brought me in Victorian Home magazines. I was so astonished she would randomly drop by my work to show such a touching act of thoughtfulness! Nobody does these things just because. The more I got to know her, she would be traveling here and there, like going to China to give free wheel chairs to the poor. She was a business woman and had owned a nursing home, hotels, etc. Her heart was as big as the ocean! After I finished with her kitchen, she gave my husband and I a weekend at her hotel up the coast! Always kindness and generosity.
She also owned a house close by the hotel. She decided to sell it so she could put her grandson through college! Once again, she enlisted my help remodeling the kitchen to get it ready for sale. Always letting me stay if I wished at her hotel since it was a few hours drive.
Her own son betrayed her in the worst way after she trusted him to take over the hotel's restaurant. A true horror story. My heart just broke for her.
I remember well having a long talk with her and she poured her story out to me. I always wonder how people, especially family can do this to a GOOD PARENT and wonderful woman. I think her son was a sociopath. I thought to myself that there are so few people I come across in life that I truly admire. You are one of those people!
Sometimes it takes a while for grief to really hit. Sometimes many many years. Eventually, something may trigger it. Then the flood comes in. So sorry about what you have been through. Do we ever really get over this stuff?
What unusual pies!!! Never had a grape, raspberry or strawberry pie! What kind of grape would be best? I have been deprived it seems 🤔
I do cook a lot but desserts and baking pies have not been not been something I was ever confident enough to try my hand at. Pastries, same thing. I love all these things but I admit, I am afraid to attempt making them!
Wow!!!! You certainly do have an enormous amount you are dealing with! Keep venting here, it will help a lot! Many of us have and are in similar situations, not exact but we can relate on many levels. My Mom was an RN too! Lost my oldest brother to a drug OD, Mom went off the deep end after that and never was the same. She is in dementia land now and I am the sole caregiver with one nutjob greedy brother and one pretty much absent. They both live close by. I have been accused of everything because she chose me to care for her and not them.
Your Mom sounds like she is in terrible physical shape and your brother stealing her meds is unfortunately not surprising. Get a lock box and hide it somewhere. If that doesn't work, he could be reported. That IS a very big deal! Hide them well. I would not even tell Mom where they are and give them to her as needed. That way you can keep count as well. I don't envy you this situation. Mom snapping, not an uncommon thing either. Trying not to argue is tough or explain to them how they are behaving. I get the guilt trips too when my nerves get frayed when I try explaining something to her over and over and it just doesn't compute. The Merry Go Round!
Question. Are you the designated POA or DPOA? This is very important if you are to be expected to be "the caregiver." This however does not include responsibility to the other slacker family members. If you are not, I would stay clear of the mayhem. Cruel as that sounds, without the legal authority, not much you can do.
Above all, you also have your own health issues, the more you do for them, they will expect it and you will end up driving yourself into a worse physical and mental state. Is it worth it? You need to set boundaries, someone needs to get a POA and DPOA in place because it sounds like Mom is not mentally or physically competent anymore.
Yes, she should be checked for a UTI, they can cause many personality changes and be rough to get under control. I had a tough one with Mom a year ago or so, 4 different antibiotics which did not work, finally an internal hormone cream did the trick. Since then, I have her taking Urinary Health Probiotics and Cranberry pills everyday. No more issues on that score!
Please, please take care of you, nobody else will and do not feel you need to be Cinderella to the household! Focus on Mom because she is not able to do certain things anymore.
Hang in there and vent here, we are here to help even if it's just an ear to empathize & listen.
MaPet, welcome aboard!!! You are definitely in the right place. This site helped and continues to help me keep my sanity. A a lot of experience is enfolded here, a lot of painful experience and advice. Keep posting. My heart goes out to you in your duress. I have a similar theme. Prayer and this site helps me a lot. Its an awesome job you are doing. Caretaking is not easy and it gets harder as time goes on.
Also grape pies, raspberry pies, and strawberry pies. Fresh from the garden, trees, and arbor. Oh, also rhubarb pie.
Twisteds should be communicating with you, but given past history, it's not surprising they're not communicating.
I hope my SIL and kids are in my rear view mirror, but I can no longer completely that they won't come up with something else. Although the judge did make them sign something stating that they understood the estates were settled and that they were not to contact us in anyway and that they had no grounds for any kind of legal action.
Send, I will look for the apple ap. Just googling streets was not helpful.
I have wondered how in the world your bro's got taken care of so quickly. He just died 2-3 weeks ago, right? My mom on June 1 and all I have received is a registration of the trust with probate court. AND the first one ts2's idiot attorney had mom's name spelled incorrectly! It has since been corrected, and the obit, kinda funny, mom's name came up with all sorts of versions. Course what do you expect from an idiot attorney that led the twisteds down the path to spend about 120K of mom's money to fight paying me, after I had an e-mail from ts2 that stated it was hard for her to figure out what mom would want, but acknowledged she would want to pay me, the question was how much? AND the e-mail stated that mom wanted to have something left for her daughter's?! She was only thinking of one or maybe two daughters, and neither was me. She fired mom's attorney, got a different one to represent mom and her, because she did not like what the original attorney told her. He knew what mom wanted.
So, now, mom passed 2.5 months ago. So, waiting, and now ts2 is back to the incommunicado. I have not asked about the estate, nor will I. AND you are basically done, except for your crazy SIL and family. Just unbelievable that they would go to such lengths!
The grief process is slow isn't it? Or maybe it's just me. Some days I forget about things - other days it hits me like a ton of bricks. And, some days I think my grief is for not having the family dynamics that I wanted, not grief for those who died.