The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Upset, sometimes people do not check in when they are confronted with new challenges with their loved ones. I know I kinda am still is invisible woman mode, there that's better! ;) Just very hard for me to know what to say after so much stress and dysfunction and do not care for it to return. It still stresses me out, oh what the heck with twisted sisters come up with next. Now it is the estate, I am just waiting it out.

Where's Margeaux?

MapetiteD3, Welcome to this thread. Vent all you want - everyone on this thread has or is living in a dysfunctional situation. Can you keep your mothers drugs locked up from your brother? His stealing her drugs is not a good situation. Does he work? Does he support himself?

Don't allow yourself to be isolated by your mother or your brothers behavior. Keep in contact. Keep in contact with your children. You have a right to feel resentful. You are being used by your lazy brother and nephew and abused at least verbally by your mother.

Has your mother had a basic cognitive functioning assessment or been assessed for Alzheimer's. Perhaps she is a candidate for an Alzheimer's medication. These drugs are not a cure, but they can slow the progression.

Take care of your own health needs first. If you're working, keep working as long as you are physically able to do so. Don't allow yourself to be trapped into a primary caregiver roll with two other people living in the house. Have a long talk with your brother, his son and your mother about the hoarding situation.

Again, come here to vent anytime. You're always welcome. The people here have a variety of experiences and someone may give you clues on how to help with your situation. Best wishes.

Hi everyone,
New to the site. Where to begin.....
I'm a 48yo divorced mother of 3, living with multiple chronic pain conditions. My father passed away 2.5 years ago after battling multiple conditions, his genetic CAD the worst of the lot. In January I moved into my parent's home for a few reasons, biggest being my mother's declining health. My younger brother (46) and his 15yo son (who my parents have custody of) also live here (my brother has lived with them most of his life as well has my nephew.) My mother has Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis and more recently a 50% hearing loss as well severe mobility and memory issues. She was always very self motivated, loved anything techy and knew how to use it, and could remember most things easily. Things were changing while my father was dying and since he died she's become a disaster. I knew things would be difficult after my father passed because after her father passed away she basically lost it. She was just starting to return to the land of living when my father, her husband of 48 years, passed away. She's actually handled it much better than we expected but other stuff has now shown up and in all honesty I'm REALLY struggling.
The dysfunction in our family starts with my brother being a life long drug addict and he lies to himself and everyone around him by claiming to be clean. Both my mother and I are prescribed certain medication for our pain issues and my brother steals my mother's meds. Has been for years. She spends much time hiding her meds from him and carries them on her when out of the house. Recently she can't remember where she hides them and that makes for many episodes of panic as these meds are time released and not something that can be stopped suddenly.
Before I moved in a would come over and clean the kitchen, do laundry and help out where I could. Bare in mind the 4 original people living in the house (1300 sq ft, not big) were/are hoarders. So cleaning and organizing is not an easy thing. My brother and nephew do little to no cleaning and don't help around the house. My mother who cannot stand independently at all nor lift her arms above her chest due to both rotator cuffs being gone (as well as much more) tries to do stuff but ends up making more of a mess, including breaking many dishes, more than any good. Since I've moved in I've basically become the Cinderella of the house. I mentioned I have multiple chronic pain issues, the worst being Complex Regional Pain Syndrome based in my lower limbs. One of the biggest complicators is stress.....and to say the stress level in the house is off the charts is a severe under statement.
In the last year my mother's memory issues have gone from bad to very concerning. To make matters worse my brother has emotionally and mentally abused my mother and his son for years and now my mother has started picking fights, arguing everything and thinks she's being funny sarcastic when she snaps back at people. My kids refuse to come over any more and my good friends drop by but then leave as soon as possible because she's rude to them and they don't like the way she argues and treats me over nothing. Then she asks why no one visits or stays or asks her to do anything and I've tried to explain as politely as possible, even discussed it in family counseling, but she apparently doesn't see it. I can't tell if she really doesn't get it or doesn't want to because she points it out in everyone else. When she doesn't like what she's being told she gets snappy and starts playing the victim, rudely apologizing for dumb things that are not relevant to the point of saying sorry for still being alive. Nothing like a good ol' guilt trip. She can't simply ask for help she whines and cries her requests and as soon as you agree to help she's happy and smiling. 🙄
I'm physically struggling from the stress, I'm mentally at my wits end. I put on a smile at work and around friends and my kids because I don't want them to feel like I do. Sometimes I slip and vent to one of my kids (all adults) than I feel awful because they get frustrated at the circumstances none of us have the power to currently change.

So, that's the tip of the slippery ice berg I currently live on. I've made a conscious effort to not argue points, or correct incorrect anything. I struggle when trying to verify doctor appointment stuff or info from the doctor. And I'm beyond frustrated from trying to solve health ailments that multiple doctors have explained or given reason for and my mother either doesn't believe them or forgets what she was told. Info she was given before, multiple times, suddenly is new and a potential starting place for more questions and treatments.....all of which we've already explored. When I remind her we've heard this info before, we've explored those options she gets snarky and hostile, causing me to shut down. Did I mention she's a retired RN?. She's lost about 50lbs and I believe there's a few reasons why. The only down side is most of the weight lost has been muscle. She has turned this into such a big deal you'd think this was going to be the thing that finally kills her. She acts like there has to be some major health problem causing her weight loss, bare in mind 3 of her meds have the side effect of weight loss!! To make things more frustrating when people don't positively comment or mention they noticed her weight loss she gets all offended and mad. She's always worn big baggy clothes, not liking snug fitting clothes, so people never really knew how big she was. Most of her weight is in her stomach area and it has remained. Her weight loss has been in her butt, legs and breasts (which are flat pancakes now, sorry don't mean to be gross.) In other words, in areas where most people don't notice or see especially when she's sitting and in an electric chair most of the time. The point of my rant is she seems to be making more out of things than really required and I'm tired of going to multiple doctor appts for something unnecessary or already dealt with, I'm tired of her neverending snark and unintelligible rants.

I think I'm just plain exhausted in all the ways possible. I've always been the "good kid" in the family. The one they could always count and rely on, and I'm sad to admit I'm feeling resentful of this position. They've never required much of my brother and we've all spent many years cleaning up after him and doing the things he should. I want my mom to be able to enjoy a few years of her retirement but that won't happen in the current situation and she won't make the necessary changes that only she can make. I feel so stuck.

I'm sorry for the length of my venting and thank you for your patience and understanding.

Picking some pears, and the tree is so tall now that a ladder plus a telescoping picker is necessary. I'm trying to get the loose ones by banging the branches and I've been beaned in the face by 2 pears so far. I'm not doing it directly overhead, of course, but those pears don't exactly go where I want them to go.

I put an ad online and so far two people have come for some, plus gave a bag to neighbor across the street and one to someone driving by. It's a record haul for pears this year. I keep reminding myself that "this is good exercise." hah... stupid pears... ;-)

Upset, that is funny!! One good thing here is there are at least 3 streets that interconnect Nampa, Meridian and Boise. You can always find a way back home.

Send, our life is confusing too. I normally would not have gotten stressed over being lost, except we missed the appt. and I rescheduled for this morning. Going out exploring is fun when I can get out to do it.

Glad,
That is a good idea, there is a life after caregiving for caregivers. Especially leading others by example and experiences is good, but having a place for your needs to be met would be good too. I want all the caregivers to stick around because we get to know each other after that many years.

Luckylu had started one thread:
"Life after the loss of your loved one".

Another thread:
"Life after caregiving"

I'm getting lucky today and have managed to get receipts for some larger purchases made in 2011, including two mattresses, one for grandma and one for dad, and a replacement cushioned headboard for her. She had bedbugs, and the Trust wasn't talking to me at the time, so I bought what she needed after bleaching down her room.  Wow, what an experience!   They were relatively cheap mattresses.  They shipped in a box from China lol.  It's a trip down memory lane, but also I appreciate the chance to... I don't know.

It's a chance to say "You jerks, look what you put me through" to the Trust and hopefully they'll reimburse something. They know I was trying to sue them after my grandmother died. Keeping fingers crossed that something good will come of this request for reimbursement.

I know it's in the past, and I've let it go.

Sharyn, Many years ago, I moved from WV to NC. I knew no one and didn't know my way around. I was out going to the grocery and got totally turned around. No clue where to go. I saw a bread truck and thought if I followed it I would get to a grocery. Drove for a long time and ended up st Wrightsville Beach. I kept following the truck. It turned into a parking lot and I thought it would be a store. When the truck started moving I could see a big gate. It was a Coast Guard station and two guards came to my car window and told me to turn around leave. I explained my situation - they had a good laugh and gave me instructions on how to get back to Wilmington and the grocery. I knew they thought I was a totally dumb blonde. At the grocery I had to get instructions home.

Hi all, we're still drudging along, it's becoming a bit like Groundhogs Day (the movie), same thing different day, with the usual ups and downs. I hate constantly posting on about all of this as it is, so I won't unless something strange pops up, but for now we just do our best to get through each day.

I am glad to hear that UpsetSister is out from under the legal Fray of dealing with the outlaws! The further away you can get from that situation, the better!

Golden, hope you feel better soon! I don't like to hear that you are fighting a bug, as you've got some many fun things planned with you beau! It will be good to get your annual health care exams and eye surgery behind you. As always, I just Love you!

Glad, yes, the changes that the AC needs to implement for "After Cargiving Cargivers", is a terrific idea! Leave it to you to get them rolling on this! As Alli mentioned, so many of the great responders (especially You) on this site are former caregivers, and have been through the gamut, the post caregiver recovery process, the legalities of closing up your Loved ones estates, the distribution of monies, the family squabbling, and on top of all that, the dealings of loss and grief. Almost as much as goes into the after loss as before, well maybe not, but so so much!

SharynM, you will soon find your way around, and remember it's still early days yet since your own Mom passed. Figuring out your new life with so many changes? Wow, I am looking forward to that! You're doing great!

Alli, your getting there too! It's hard figuring your way post caregiving!

Please know that I am reading and keeping up here on the AC, I do enjoy hearing what everyone is up to, but my own life is rather boring at the moment, just getting through the day to day.

We are definitely seeing a decline, and expect to as the days go on. The Nurses are fabulous, paying just as much attention to us as to the patient. They have made medication changes to make things easier on us, as in relaxants for him, so he rests more and isn't focusing on the boredom of laying in bed all day. It helps a lot! He is still very much conscious, but calmer, thank goodness!

I do wish to say Thank You for all of you comforting word of encouragement! It does help a lot, knowing my friends on here are thinking of me! I love you all Back, and will pipe in here now and then as I can! Take Care All!

Rainey, Maine is good - pretty much live and let live. The township I live in just wants to be aware of what's going on. They do code inspections to make sure plumbing and electric are done correctly. I'm anxious to get started.

My brother was going to rent. After I thought about it I told him why pay rent and utilities. I have 4 bedrooms upstairs. I never go up there and there is a full bath. He's quiet and very neat. He's also good at putting in cable outlets, phone and computer stuff, so he can wire himself up. He can pick furniture and set things up the way he wants. Upside for me is he is a fantastic cook and likes to cook. So it should work okay on short term basis.

Upset,
Once again I am amazed by you!!!!! You really are incredibly thoughtful. You should be so proud you are making a positive difference for these caregivers! You have to be destitute here to get any help.

Sharyn,
There is a notebook in my car with the hours and phone numbers of stores that I shop at. Most people can do this online from their I-phones.
You can add a little map with street names until you get acclimated.
There is no shame in getting a bit lost. It is your brain warning you that you have become too hungry, with low blood sugar, need to pull over and rest, deep breathe, drink water, or just about anything. Getting lost is the best way to learn to navigate your new surroundings....let's see where this road goes.....not in too much of a hurry anyway,
that is what I tell myself.
Yesterday, I pulled up @ hubs work just as he was coming outside. That is amazing since I did not start from home so he couldn't call me, and after the chiropractor he was not even on my radar until 7 minutes before he clocked out, I guessed he might be getting off on time. There was no agreement for me to pick him up. Ok, this sounds bad...but our life is confusing, even to me.

FYI Upset,
Another reason to be glad your not in California. Pulling permits here can be a complete nightmare!!! They can make your life a living h*ll. Being a designer as long as I was, I heard so many horror stories, ones that were so outlandish, you would not have believed it unless you were working directly with those folks. I had a lady come to me when I was a fairly new designer. She had me design her kitchen and then I never heard back. Thought maybe she was not keen on my design ( being still kinda green) so I figured she went elsewhere. A couple years later, no joke, I was working at EXPO, and heard a woman's voice say, "There you are, I have been looking everywhere for you, we are finally ready to move forward with the kitchen!" Slowly, it came back to me and then she had the original design I did with her and then I got it! I asked her what happened and the good ol' city of San Anselmo made her life pure h*ll. Her house backed up against a creek, and someone had planted vinca along the banks. They claimed it was not a native plant so it all had to be ripped out and replaced only with native plants! Can you believe this? It was a huge ordeal among some other ridiculous regulations but the inspectors around here are known to be a nightmare. You just never know.
I had a full grown man break down in tears in front of me for what they were doing to him in Tiburon.
Sounds like you don't have the bureaucratic red tape like we do here, lucky you!

Did the negativity session - it probably will be the topic next week as well. One issue that was well discussed was if you are the caregiver for a very negative senior and you absorb those negative attitudes; how do you get out of the trap. As one woman pointed out - the group is the only time she gets out. Her mother has an aide for 4 hours on Tuesday. She comes to the group for 90 minutes and then to the grocery and errands. She says her church no longer visits because her mother is verbally abusive; friends don't visit. She says family doesn't visit because they don't want to accept responsibility. I believe a great deal of caregiver negativity is the result of isolation and lack of family and social support. We have six women whose husband's have filed for divorce because of their caregiving. One woman said she didn't blame him she'd divorce herself if she could. No real solutions, but at least some got to vent their frustrations. I'm going to call the state agency on aging and see if they can get some more relief hours approved - maybe a second four hour block. Also going to talk to a couple of the local ministers to see if they have a way to get maybe s monthly visit to the caregiver - not shut them out because of the negative elderly person. My other idea is to see if we can set up a center where caregivers can go just to get a break. I know of a building we can probably get donated. I need to think about the details of how to make it work. It has to be free because over 95% of the caregivers have very limited resources. On a bright note, local bakery donated pastries that were really good. Local salon donated small gift pack for caregivers of very nice lotions, bath products, hair care stuff. Everyone was thrilled with those. In two weeks we're having a beauty shop day. I've rented an old beauty school and am having the power and water turned on for two days. I have 12 beauticians who are going to donate their time to give free cuts and blow dry. The town is giving me free water. Power co is turning on and off without extra charges. So there are some small things going on to help these women. They deserve so much more than they are receiving. My other push is to get caregiver pay for some of these women. They're saving the state a fortune keeping their loved ones out of nursing homes and off Medicaid. There is so much that needs to be done. These women shouldn't have to live such isolated lives because of their caregiving.

I knew you would've responded about the sinus rinse with peroxide question, Golden. I didn't see that post, sorry. Looked around for it and just didn't see it. I went ahead and did a rinse and a cotton swab with some peroxide inside the nose, though. My dad's docs said that present day medical thinking is that hydrogen peroxide can irritate skin, so I use it sparingly. I am at a loss as to what else to try on my own. I still gargle with a dilution for my throat stuff, if something flares up on any given day.   

I'll get checked out by doc. I go on the 31st. Since it's a chronic issue and not acute, I'm not too concerned about going sooner than that. This will be the 3rd time I've been to doc in past couple of months and the previous times there was no diagnosis, other than to say "probably a bronchitis bug"  (and I agree, I did have some fluid in my lungs for a bit) and "it's not mono." The nodes (is that what they are?? I truly don't know...) become swollen and sore on and off for years, ever since mold, but have been noticeably worse after my late May vacation. I'm hoping that maybe an ENT person will be recommended, and then if there is no "cure," I'll at least know exactly what this ongoing and ongoing irritation is called. That's what I'm hoping for.

"tired and ditzy" Yep, I know the feeling. ;-) Sorry for your flare ups. I have a new appreciation for how limiting things like this can be. My girlfriend was going to help me finish up some work on receipts today but she said she is still recuperating from this weekend. Yikes. Personal health is so important!

upset -sounds like it is winding down, though there always are loose ends to tie up for a while, So glad the judge threw it out and notified others about them. She went ballistic, eh? Seems fitting. So your bro will move in rather than renting? Good luck living with all the building. At least your area will be intact. I am gkad you have one another for support.
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rainey - I know the longing for peace. For a while my mantra was "Just leave me alone". I googled it once and it led me to borderline personality mothers.

glad -you have brought up a very good point. I hope admin responds positively. There needs to be a place here for "retired" caregivers.

sharyn - I can imagine it will take you a while to adjust. Hopefully the grands off set that somewhat. I much prefer going to stores with which I am familiar. Moving to E'ton area things should not be very strange for me.

guest -people's sense of entitlement floors me sometimes!!! The eclipse? Why not?

ali - I responded to your sinus issues but not the sore throats etc Have you had a thorough check up recently? Continual sore throats, to me, show an infection and are not normal. Sorry the job hunt is not productive yet. It is good you have some help getting your receipts together for submission to trust. Sounds like your girlfriend is a survivor. Mmm fresh pears...

barb - that kind of anger and dysfunction could well bring some additional trouble.

The headache seems to have gone Yeah! At its worst it was like having labor pains in my forehead. Now I am just tired and a little ditzy. Not sleeping well and need to get back on track. What's new?

Have a good day, everyone!

Thanks Ali, I don't regret the move at all. It is this adjustment will take some time. I have days where I am in a funk. When I can get out by myself to explore, I feel better. All in good time.

Wow Upset,
So happy to hear the Judge made her snap!!!! LOL!!!! I love hearing justice being done 😆 I hope she gets what she deserves someday too! Hopefully, this is the end of it but with nutjobs, like my badbro, you just can never be sure. *Sighs*
Having your brother with you will help give you peace of mind and you can help give each other emotional support. Sounds like a win, win to me! Really happy for you and hope you get everything wrapped up (at least on the outside) before winter starts. After all you two just went through, lean on each other to get through this chapter. It is still very fresh.
How did your "negativity" group go?
Sorry to hear you have all those alcoholic cases, that can't be pleasant.

Congrats upset. It's great to hear the good side win. Sounds like the area you live in is patrolled, you have freezes on credit based on skanky behavior before, and law enforcement is on notice about son. Fingers crossed. Maybe the eclipse will cause them to transmogrify....

Rainey, My contractor is doing final plans. Will pull permits and start construction in a week or two. I'll be living in a noisy house for probably 6 months. My brother will be moved in with me during construction. But that's no big deal.

Wow, Upset, Good legal outcome. I hate to say this, but watch out for the ILLEGAL payback. These folks sound terribly vicious.

Lawyer called. Judge dismissed lawsuit on lack of grounds. Wills were properly executed. My brother took correct steps for changing beneficiary. Plus he had written a letter to the insurance agent and had notarized. SIL and children were told they were entitled to the $1.00 my brother left each of them and that because of federal law she would get 1/2 of his 401k which is on it's way to her. He also told them he was notifying other courts and attorneys in the state and in Maine about their attempts to sue without cause. Lawyer said my SIL went ballistic when the judge read the letter from my brother about all of the stuff they had involved him in and that he hoped they got what they deserved some day.

I simply want it all to be done. My lawyer says they have no options now because they now are forbidden to attempt to take me to court for a frivolous, unwarranted lawsuit.

You made the move at a good time in your life, Sharyn, imho. Yes, all this new *everything* to learn and get used to in your new area, but you have time and enough brain capacity (and then some lol) left to do it, to make the changes, and grow old (not any time soon! just eventually) close to your daughter and grands. I hope it starts feeling more routine soon.

Glad, it would be great if AC saw the wisdom in allowing previous caregivers to feel at home here. A full time, hands on caregiver, doesn't have much if any extra time/energy to give to the others on this site. Previous caregivers turn the gears around here, providing most of the answers to the new questions.

Upset, I'm sorry that you're still dealing with fresh hits from SIL, bro's passing. You're crossing things off the list, though, which I personally find fulfilling: monument is being done, half of 401k is disbursed, you have attorney to handle the lawsuit. They can't harass you anymore without repercussion. I'm trying to see a silver lining for you and there is one, but I'm sorry for all the pain of it. There is a saying I read a few months ago that resonated with me as a fitting description of this chapter of my life, the end of caregiving life: "The way out of hell is through misery." The things I'm dealing with now are no fun, but I'm walking my way up and out of "hell," though, one project at a time. I wish you peace and love in every day right now. ((((hugs))))


Hi, all. Happy Tuesday! It's such a mild summer in Chicago area, I don't really know what to think of it. Summer overnights are getting down into the low 60s and supposed to be dip into the 50s this weekend. Seems very cool for this time of year. It's pear season right now and the 60' tree in back yard is serving them up daily -- all day every day. The tree is extra heavy with them this year, the most I've seen. I just mostly give them away and throw them away but I think I'll advertise locally and see if someone wants to come get some.

Upset, sending the photo is part of follow up. It's to make sure that you know it actually got set in place and let you see the final product. It's common when the person setting it up is out of town like you in Maine. It's supposed to help make sure that any errors are caught early. My mother's last name was like Davy from the alamo - right? Her plaque that my brother caught spelling error on had her as Croquette, as in the chicken dish which incidentally my mother loved:) It was fixed, but only after my brother and SIL went into the facility and had complete meltdown. It turned out my sister didn't catch a spelling error and signed off with it wrong - but the funeral home made good on a correction technically they didn't have to do. So it is somewhat never ending for the first 6 months.
With regard to lawsuit - you know that lawyer comes up with enough to have their 30% covered with the person's property...People sue for things all the time that they are not entitled to (my sister works in the auto insurance industry, nuff said). Insurance companies settle, people settle - to make people go away. Does the check need to go through court to make the lawsuit go away? I'm sure you've checked with lawyer but...
My great grandmother inherited a huge amount of money from her husband. My grandmother walked away from the family and never took care of my great grandmother. My great aunt kept GGM with her, taking her with her to live even when she got married late in life, her husband called them "a package deal" and loved GGM. When GGM died and left all money to great aunt, my grandmother sued her sister who had provided all care for half of estate as it was "owed to her". GM got half, paid about 35% to attorney, and hunkered down with no sister for rest of her life. My aunt did not share money left by GM with my mother but spent using power of attorney held by aunt for grandmother while aunt LIVED WITH MY MOTHER RENT FREE. Aunt felt she "deserved money" since my mother worked and had pensions and aunt did not. My mother said she didn't seek legal options because NO ONE WINS. Mom's youngest son died at 29 of overdose, grandmother next year. My mom was enmeshed but she also watched grandmother left alone in life with no sister and convinced money was the only reason family was around. Sad... Pay what the law requires - like you did with 401K - document and then let it go. Aren't you glad not every scrap was burned? You gave your lawyer what he needs. Fresh out of law school guy probably never got memo or decided chasing ambulances was hard work....don't leave the site. You will help others and you are a great example of grace under pressure and HOW TO HANDLE LEGAL ISSUES and WIN.

displaced is what I call it. My life is very displaced right now. No longer a caregiver, my surroundings are unfamiliar as in ease of going to a particular store without possibly getting lost, lol!! Just plain physically wore out.

gladimhere, great insight!

Glad, I didn't even think of that. All I did, after my dad passed away, was to just add a single line Update at the bottom. Maybe later, I will see if I should shorten it a bit.

The feelings of time to move on, I think, is partially due to AC. We fill out profiles about our caregiving situations. But nowhere is there an option to select previous caregiver or even that your loved one has passed. I emailed AC about just that last week. The person I emailed said she would offer it up as a suggestion. Stay tuned. Even my profile options nothing is appropriate for me any longer. So the past six years have no value to AC or anyone else here? Nope, I do not think so, but the profile options would make some feel excluded and even unwanted. Not very well thought options, IMHO.