notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Will be back later. Still not over this bug, but the headache is less.
Insurance co left off some items when they calculated our settlement. I resubmitted with notes and they are now claiming that we added new items. Obviously, they are not familiar with the claim. It was very clear what was missing from the originals, if they had compared them with what they sent back to us. Not rocket science at all. Aaargh!!!
I went to a session this afternoon for therapists who are taking college age patients referred by the university health service. Had to fill out a bunch of papers to turn in on what insurances I accept and what I charge.
It's nice to have someone my age who's been through similar things, and has good ideas about all of it. A year ago, she started caregiving to her elderly and very sick dad, and I didn't think it was a good idea, but figured she would find that out on her own pretty quickly, and yep, she did. Because of that experience, she also understands and empathizes with how we want to do right by our parents but sometimes hands on caregiving is not advisable, to put it mildly.
Stacey, sorry for the hard time with FIL. Happy to hear you will be getting a nurse in to help out.
Hi, all. Hope everyone's doing alright as we start a new week. I made appointment to talk to my PCP about ongoing (and ongoing and ongoing) sores and blood in my nose and sinuses, plus the sore throat... is it glands, nodes, tonsils, what is making it sore? It's something I should at least have checked out, seeing as the sores and blood in my snot has been happening for years at this point. I did the sinus rinse with a tiny amount of tea tree before and... I don't think it helped. I think dryness is a factor and I think the tea tree contributed to, or didn't deter from, the dryness. Who knows! I'll get it looked at.
I'm working on receipts. I made paper copies of everything onto 11" x 14" paper, and I'm thinking I'll put a ring in it, or bind it somehow, and then turn it in like that. It will be GREAT to have this project done. Whatever happens after I submit it, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I've done what I think is right (to submit the receipts for reimbursement), given the situation. If I get some money back, I'll be ecstatic.
Job hunting kicks up this week since I haven't heard anything more from my efforts a week ago. I read that 80% of job placements happen due to networking, "someone knows someone" kind of thing. That wasn't always true for me, as the 2 most important jobs of my life so far both started through an advert by the company, something I came across when I was looking for a job, and the position was a good fit. I don't know why, exactly, this time around it very much seems like I need to know someone to get in a door somewhere, but that is how it seems. I've never put half this much effort into job seeking w/o having success. I'm not discouraged, just wondering what I could be doing better, or what I'm doing wrong. I'm tempted to hire one of those Job Coach people from online. They rework your resume as needed, coach you for interviews. Hm. Maybe that's a good thing for me right now. Something needs to give with this.
Thanks to Everyone for their support well wishes, even on my private page, you guys are Awesome! 💓
So impressed with you!!!! 😊 What a great sister you are!
Rainey, Talked to my contractor. He's going to draw up a plan for what I have in mind. Then my brother can give his opinion. I think he'll like it.
Also if it is any comfort I would only predict FIL lasting a couple of weeks at the most.
I would expect him to become less and less responsive and finally slip into a coma maybe for a few days and then pass.
As he has respiratory problems he may get excessive secretions during the final day or so. This is a very distressing stage but there are medications that hospice can give to dry up the secretions. So be sure and ask. There really is someone available 24/7. Sometimes turning a patient over on their side may ease the rattle but it will still run out of the nose and mouth as a white frothy liquid. I did not intend this to distress you but felt that if you knew what may come it could be helpful.
Day 12, of having my FIL back in our home on Hospice. The first 9 days we could see big improvements in him, as the Antibiotics from the hospital have now run their course, and he is now strictly on comfort care. Once home here with us, he was happy to be here, was eating and drinking better, as he was too sick in hospital to even care, and 99% of his fluids were coming into him in the former of IV fluids. He is now comfortable in his old room, with an air conditioner, as we've been in a heat wave here in the PNW.
But in the past 3 days, we are seeing a deterioration in him, on top of his old aggressive ornery self. He's coughing more, more thick phlegm, tired, pale, dark circles, decrease in his mental faculties, his urine is turning dark again. All of the symptoms my husband said he saw in the weeks leading up to his fall and hospitalization, and exactly what the Dr said would happen.
I've no doubt that there is an infection looming, maybe the Sepsis is coming back. I do know that his White count was still quite elevated at 15, at his last blood draw, on the day he left the hospital. so the infection was never completely gone upon before his release.
Yesterday was unbearably challenging, with his bad attitude, angry outbursts, all over him needing to go number 2, and the frustration of him having to do that from a laying on his side position, as hubby and I aren't strong enough to move him to the Cammode, as he has no strength, and drops like a brick. So it was a non stop event of moving him from laying reclined to his side, no results, back to laying reclined, try again, and over and over again. Added a suppository at the first attempt in the early AM, and him being frustrated that it didn't work magically on its own to produce the desired results! Ummmm No, you gotta work at it! Grrr! Finally 8 hours of this and he was able to GO, Brilliant! So it was back breaking day, and it tired him out too. I know that this isn't all his fault, he's weak and tired, but the Narc never changes his spots, even when he's sick and tired! So glad the day was over when I finally took out his teeth, and turned off his lights last night! Whew!
Today, we have the Nurse coming, and the new week begins. The hardest part is the unknown, the not knowing how fast or slow this "process" will take, as if it lasts several months, I honestly don't think it will months and months, but I do know that in my experience, the human body, tries it's damndest to hold on as long as possible.
I don't have tomorrow off time to address you all individually, but I hope you are all doing well, and those one of you not feeling so well, I hope you are feeling better! I'll do my best to keep up, and pop in as I can! Love you All!
As a caregiver that was sent to work in facilities for certain clients, I have witnessed atrocious neglect in the poshest, most exclusive facilities that cost them a fortune to be in. I saw the food, because I had to feed my client, I was not overly impressed. They kept the bare minimum census of required help to meet regulation on the floor and those gals were being run ragged. No time for any specialized attention or monitoring not to mention how terribly their salaries were for the work they did! Now this was not at all a "state funded place" it was very exclusive to the tune of about 8K a month per person for a semi private room and shared bathroom. I honestly would hate to see what a Medicaid facility would be like! I do not trust how taxpayer funded programs are handled anyway. Too much room for corruption. The more money you get taken away in taxes is no guarantee it would improve. Who is monitoring how the funds are being allocated? Is there any accountability? Hard as caregiving is, I could never dream of putting Mom in such a place because all I can think of is, "What if it was me?"
Here is an eye opening article about Medicaid and Medicare.
http://www.investors.com/politics/commentary/medicare-and-medicaid-are-both-in-a-sickly-state-at-50/
More negativity thoughts.
Caregiver: No breaks, no end in sight, no vacations from parents refusing outside help and cost for in home assistance is a small fortune.
Strain on it puts on marriages and family watching their lives pass them by day after day. No more social life with friends as they dissapear one by one.
Health issues from all the cumulative stress and realizing by the time you are done with caregiving, your physical well being to resume your life back to what it was will be compromised.
More keeps coming up the longer I think about it.
Remember, it is the State taxpayers who are currently funding Medicaid, along with some funds from the Federal government, and there is talk of cutting back on those Federal funds, letting the States handle the total cost of Medicaid.
That is why so many of us early baby boomers heard from our Great Depression parents to save for those "rainy days". When we become elderly, it is pouring out there.
Negativity resulting from narcissism. That includes Denial of decline due to long term Parkinson's. Not having planned for decline with money put aside for long term care in other than a Medicaid nursing facility. Separation from spouse of 50 years who cannot care for someone alone at home due to his own aging and medical ailments (stroke survivor, COPD). Anger that money is not being spent on her health care by her sons when their parents have assets. Anger that children won't move a parent into their home to provide 24/7 care when it was not what they did for their own parents and not understanding difference. Anger that non-profit Medicaid facility doesn't provide 1 on 1 care. Anger that minimum wage employees and nursing staff "don't do enough or come on a timely basis". Meals "aren't varied enough and don't taste good" (see Medicaid above). Rooms are shared with older fixtures, shared bathrooms and not "nice enough" (Medicaid). Lack of activities (see Medicaid and low staffing levels) geared to individual likes and dislikes. Abandonment by friends and community - negativity and narcissism can spur these. Move 60 miles away and angry because "no one visits".
Caregiver:
1) Having to give up career, freedom, the daily obligations, dealing with the loss of memory and the "merry go round" and let's not forget those wonderful siblings that make our jobs that much harder by being absent, criticizing, accusing, taking advantage of aging parent monetarily. That can certainly manifest itself in negative ways.
Person being cared for: Loss of freedom, having to depend on others for simple things they were able to do on their own, the role reversal, (neither likes this one) as far as I can tell, so they can lash out at their child for just trying to help because it was not the natural order of things. Mom actually admitted that to me when I asked her. Loss of their mental faculties and physical abilities.
The two can clash at times with their own frustrations and then no fun. Parents being rebellious because they don't like being in the position of doing what their child asks them to do, even though it is for their own safety or health. Ughhhh, I could go on.....
Negativity from caregiver or person they are caring for or both?
Very cool about the wallet and voter registration, is the voter reg in good condition? Great piece of history right there!
Question for everyone. This week our group therapy topic is negativity - caregivers and the person for whom they are caring. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Good advice for DD.
DD, as nice as that sounds leaving the paperwork in God's hands, I would not count on a Judge understanding that point of view. Not trying to sound harsh but in a court of law, they deal with facts and proof thereof. Please listen to Upset and keep your records, receipts if you feel they will be called into question in a court. They will look upon you much more favorably if you have kept good records. Yes, it's a pain, I am not the greatest either and truly hate paperwork as well. I am not terribly worried about it as I keep seperate folders of any purchases and copies of all bills, medical stuff, any work done to her place. Little stuff like grocery store shopping (small stuff) I often forget but all records could get pulled if it were needed. They have no way to make up stories because I have saved all of it. Make different folders for bills, expenses, medical, and all you need to do is file receipts in proper folders.
You should also keep a record of what you do for her daily, her behaviour, how many hours spent, laundry, cleaning, shopping, bathing, driving to appts., cooking, whatever. This all accounts for money you are SAVING her vs. paying a professional or being in a facility. Buy a thick school type binder for your notes, CYA DD! It will also help you for anything you need to look back on for reference. Wish I would have kept a journal a long time ago but now that I cannot work anymore because it is not safe to leave her alone on the property anymore, I did start one. Oh, and do you have medical insurance and if so, are you paying for it or is she?
It's difficult to know that you've always been willing to give and help but, know that would not be done for you.
Simplest way to keep receipts is get a composition or spiral notebook. Tape each receipt to a page. Write a note on the page of the date and what the expense was for. Then you have it all together when you need it.
I was very shocked at myself when I finally "saw" the truth about my mother and sister. I couldn't believe how I could "not see the truth" and still holding on but accept the truth. My mind can't fanthom certain things so I put blinders on.
Rainy, right on. I missed Stacey's comment on nose picking, but for what its worth its an old habit for me sometimes lol. I got caught talking to my son on video call, didn't even realize.
Upset, I will probably be in same situation in future. My sister does not have a clue to caregiving or anything. But when she thought I was trying to get house or money when I was only trying to get meals for my mother, I realized what she is about. She was vicious about it too! Posioned my Nephew with it. I couldn't believe the other day when the guy bought food that she even touched it.
Sometimes I feel I should save receipts. Its a lot of work for some one unorganized like myself. When I think of it I resort to leaving it in God's Hands. I think when it comes to court, the judges have great insight and experience probable have little flag phrases or something that betrays the liar and thief and user. I don't know. I just wish you the best and I somehow feel that when it all comes out in the wash, You and brother will be the ones left standing. You have so much all ready. It amazes me how people don't even care, lift a finger to the house or the person to help then come running to make claims on property and money. Best wishes in my heart for you. Its funny how the ones who do all the work see the need for counseling. I wish I could get some real professional help.
Ditto BArbs, keep that documentation.
Stacey, that is a D$#%M shame. Now that is something I would keep. It so sad and I am sure they knew what they were doing. You make the monster, you feed it.
I have no idea what kind of money my mother has given my sister over the years but she has definetly given her plenty this I know and that's her prerogative but what hurts is Im the one who came and cleaned and cooked for affairs and shopped with my on funds but when I was down and out. They both gave me their asses to kiss they were very happy. I learned on the second time I asked for a dollar. Then I stopped. I didn't want for anything because of the Grace of God but it sure hurt the way I was treated knowing they would not have even had to ask, I always gave. Oh well....
I have to believe that natural justice will take its course.
Sounds like some very exciting historical finds, I love stuff like that! Should be very entertaining 😊
Yes, would be great to have alligators and moats, I will just have to settle for a security camera.
Sounds like fun as well designing an adjoining wing to the house to have brother. You have good contractors so should be smooth sailing! I would think it would also be a comfort to you knowing he was there.
Yeah, inviting oneself to visit with relatives you barely know? I don't know your thoughts but to me, it is the height of rudeness and just bad manners. I would never even show up at a friends unannounced! It's so selfish just assuming they are sitting there waiting for you to drop everything to accomodate them. Mom taught me manners but somehow that was lost on him. So embarrassing! I can only imagine what they will think of him and his half fried brain. How I wish I could pretend we were not related! I also would never dream of asking for so much as a dime from any of them. I would go to a poor house first.
Moats and alligators - a very good idea for all dysfunctional families.
Talked to younger brother. I was thinking about him building a cottage. Financially it would save him about $12000 to build a wing onto my house. Power and water are already here. We could work out the ownership details. There is a way to build on without changing the style of the house and also a way for both of us to maintain our privacy.
Rainey, It will be interesting to see how your brother's visit to your aunt turns out. My crazy cousin and her mother went uninvited to relatives homes all over the country. I never understood why.
I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety when I was 21. They never fully dissapear no matter how we wish them away, but it takes a lot of work to keep them under control when things in life start getting super stressful. It will always be a battle for me but I am pretty good at mananging it most of the time. Other times, not so much. Be sure you see a well qualified doctor to help you get your anxiety at a manageable level. Then, check on your other health issues.
No, no newbie's handling the trust! I will keep fingers crossed for you and hope all turns out smoothly!
Talked to my dad today, told him I was going to submit the old receipts, and talked to him about ... he knows he's going to be ok, yes? He's set for life, he can make it on what he has due to social programs, and my dad gets that and I think that helps him feel ok. I told him that any money I get (which remains to be seen) will help me be able to move on. He seemed very much ok with it. My mom on the other hand... lol. Well, we just won't tell her, since it's none of her biz, but she'll find out. And I'll get some questions. I can handle questions, though. ;-)
I am on a bit of time rush to get these receipts all done and turned in, since my gut tells me Trust Officer will be on my side with this. I don't want a newbie who doesn't know the situation being my first go-to for support with this. It's quite a bit of money, when I total everything. I thought it might be, but... yep. It is. Even 50% of the amount would help. I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself but I have given some thought to what I am willing to do if they Trust categorically denies reimbursement. I don't think they will. Fingers crossed. :-)
LOL!!!!!!!😂 I want a moat with alligators too!!!! A small castle will work to go along with the theme! Put some cannons on the roof, what fun!!! Suddenly, I get visions of Return of the Pink Panther.
Believe me, if brother had truly made a real effort to repair our relationship and it was not obviously to assuage his own guilt, I think I could have done it, but the deepest sincerity would have had to be present which it was not at all. All of his actions as well have told another story, always about him. It struck me when Upset found the check for her badbro's college tuition to which he dropped out. Almost same thing happened here. Oh well, I have my moment of quiet now until he decides to send another hate filled card and I am waiting for a call from Mom's sister to let me know how their self invited visit went. Curious to hear how he portrays me to my extended family that knows very little about me. It may give me some valuable insight if he plans to "pull anything" on me. Where are my alligators???? 🐊
Upset,
Jeez, what do they think you are, a carpet?
I still believe in forgiveness and I had already forgiven mother in my heart. That was for me!
I do NOT believe in being bullied into offering forgiveness to someone who has hurt me and who has not changed, but wants something to assuage their guilt. That is a different issue altogether. If your brother is truly penitent, he will have made his peace with his God, and that will relieve him more than anything you can do. He can wash his hands clean without your help. Otherwise it is just more abuse, IMO.
upset -we must stop cross posting lol. I figured you were working on stuff.Sounds like you had a relaxing time which is great. You needed that. Hope the granddaughters turn up sometimes too. That crazy cousin really is crazy - poor thing. Blocking is good. Sometimes I want to build a moat and put crocodiles in it!