notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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The pork sounds great! I am learning "slow and low" on certain meats is really rewarding. Beef back ribs too, Mmmmmmmm. Rub seasoning of your choice, wrap them tightly in foil and low and slow for hours. Delicious.
Ah, the forgiveness guilt. My favorite. After years of horrible treatment, they decide to unburden themselves of guilt, and when you don't allow them to wash their hands clean and pretend it never happened, it's your fault AGAIN and you become the "bad one." Now THAT I am living right now. I am learning to not let it bother me because I see what a pathetic, desperate attempt at making themselves appear like they tried to mend the fences and WE would not accept it. Nice turning of the tables. Hey, as long as THEY sleep better at night, right?😉 Like I said, it is the final card they can play since all other facts point to them as the abuser, by asking "forgiveness" and "acting" like they are truly sorry for a good show in their favor "Look, I go to church now!" BFD. That does not serve as a magic eraser for them though they will use it to make us look like the callus person. I find it disgusting and unconscionable. People can say whatever they want, actions are what reveal the truth of those words.
upset - you are well named. Your mum's treatment of her children was very disturbed. The favouritism shines through and through and even now, when they are both gone, the dysfunction is the gift that keeps giving. I believe, in time, the memories will fade. I had forgotten that my mother had a crazy cousin who wanted me to leave my husband of that time, and 4 children to go look after her and her husband who had developed dementia..I know that she would have discussed it with my mother who would have supported her. Later Mother suggested I leave my life and home here and move into her apt building and look after her. She was delighted when I divorced as she thought I was more available to her then. Not a chance!!!
You are not only grieving their passing, but also the secondary losses due to the "family secrets" coming out. It is going to take a while.
Burn, baby, burn!
Tired.
Sick an' tired
Tired of being
sick an' tired.
Somehow seems appropriate.
Mom has individual boxes with all things from childhood in them, I refuse to go through them, I don't want to take that trip down memory lane. When she passes, I will have their piles ready for them with all their personal stuff Mom saved and they can have it.
Interestingly, the same is true of my mom...I'm the eldest and I've got scads of entries. Middle brother not so much. Third child doesn't have a baby book that I recall and HE is clearly the "child who can do no wrong". Go figure.
Seen that program, Mom watches PBS all the time so I manage to stumble on these programs when I go over to tend to her in the evening. I remember the Bee Gee's well. Love "Forgotten Pork Chops!"
Glad, I know these memories do not go away and it's painful remembering them. I wish I could have normal relationships with my brothers but it just isn't going to happen. I have to deal with it the best I can. Honestly, when I read others stories, I feel like mine isn't quite as awful, awful in a different way but after what Upset just went through, I really have nothing to compare to that! I just have to worry about my sick, twisted brother and what he may do. My other brother just couldn't be bothered.
Glad, it may be slow on Saturday nights. Hope you sleep well.
It takes a long time to process a loss and get our hearts and minds around it fairly comfortably. So many happening around now and they are triggers for our grief.
(((((((hugs)))))) to everyone.
Had a nice dinner out with dd and fam. Sil and the kids have this bug too and sil has the headache. Nice to know that is what it is,
I had forgotten that we were going out so I cooked up the pork chops and had them on very low on the stove with a little water and a lid on the pan, just to cook them through when dd texted that they were at the restaurant, I grabbed my purse and tore out the door to the car. On the way down the hill I remembered the pork chops. Oh dear! I hoped that I would not come home to a real mess. The stove was on so low I was not concerned about a fire hazard, or I would have gone back home. Well, 2 hours later I got home and carefully took the lid off the pan. The chops were beautifully caramelized. I tasted one and it was incredibly tender and flavourful. I had brined them with garlic, onion and ginger. I will do this again! Now to think up a name. Forgotten Pork Chops????
Stories and recipes are good. The serious stuff comes often enough. It takes a while to get to know everyone and what their history is. Some of us have been on here several years and it has been a life saver.
Watching "Magic Moments -The Best of the 50's" on PBS. Bee Gees coming up. Probably too old for most of you, but I enjoy it.
I don't know why the elderly fixate on things. I hear it at group therapy sessions all the time. On any given day I never knew what my Mom would be honed in on. Garbage cans were always big. Also, never wanted to see a blade of grass on the sidewalk. I ignored that one too. Grass was supposed to be bros job - which he never did. He would call and have a service do it and then expect Mom to pay.
Glad, I've lived thru and survived my family and I still don't believe the crazy, the hatefulness, greed and dishonesty. It's my biggest, most sincere wish that I never hear or see my niece, nephew and SIL ever again.
I tried the Atari and I now understand why my son never wanted to play with me. I'm terrible. I've always wanted to have an arcade Ms Pacman. Every now and then I look online for one. My youngest grandson loves Ms Pacman.
I'm at loose ends. I've watched the news about Charlottesville. My son lived there for a few years. It's a beautiful small city. I took an internship at Martha Jefferson Hospital for 12 weeks so I could be near them more. I enjoyed the time. It was disturbing to see the violence in such a peaceful University area.
Hope you feel better and I am curious to what your doc will say. What is Epstien Barr? Panic attacks can happen from a bad food reaction? I did not know that, I need to do some research! Benedryl always makes me tired but helps a lot with certain stuff. I am also curious about the tonsils, I have never had mine out but have been tempted many times as they have given me troubles.
Glad,
Definately try the pork, it is so easy and so yummy! A friend entered the recipe in a contest in Napa that had to have something with apples in it, she won with that recipe. I understand not feeling inspired when you are cooking just for you but treat yourself, leftovers are good too! You are right about so many people passing lately, I find it odd and sad.
Upset,
So sorry for PJ! Jeez, so many people dying lately. After all you just went through, must be odd to have the place to yourself. I think it would be nice if your bro tries living near you to see if he can adjust to Maine, hopefully it works out well for both of you.
Glad you got out in the garden, I did a bit today myself. Ohhh would love to take a walk back in time with Atari, sounds like fun!
So you ignored your Mom's trash requests too? LOL! I don't understand the fixation but I have enough on my plate to worry about and that is not high on my list of priorities!
I know I am still a newbie on this site so I am not as well caught up or familiar with many of the deep background stories of many veteran members so still getting to know a lot of you and forgive me for throwing in some other things like recipes and other subjects, just trying to add a bit of distraction from stresses and sometimes humor to hopefully put a smile on your faces! 😊
I worked in garden. Picked the last green beans and tomatoes. Picked what corn the bear didn't get. Dug radishes, turnips and carrots. All I have left are potatoes and a couple of pumpkin vines. The boys cleared all of the plants and spread compost. I have just enough compost left to spread after I dig potatoes.
My brother left. The house is so quiet. He is giving up his apt at the end of the month and will be back then to try out a winter in Maine.
Rainey, You've made a great decision with making your Mom be as independent as possible. I laughed at the garbage can story. Sounds exactly like my Mom. But Mom wanted me to bring my bro and SIL's can in too. One of the few things I chose to ignore totally.
PJ is out of town. His best friend from high school and university died of ALS this past Wednesday. He flew to Pittsburgh for the funeral and will be back tomorrow. So I'm home alone on Saturday night. I have a new book to read or maybe watch a movie. My brother found an old TV and VCR in my garage. He hooked it up on my enclosed back porch and brought in a big box of old videos. Maybe I'll watch an old movie. He also found my son's old Atari game system from the 80's and games. He hooked that up. I have too much junk. Maybe I'll play video games.
Hi all, I am reading daily just feeling a bit displaced I think these days.
Upset, your story with family is unfathomable. My story is crazy, but yours takes the cake.
Golden happy you are feeling better.
May have to try that pork loin, sounds yummy and not too much to put it together. Need to start cooking for myself more, all my life I cooked for family. Now with just me the inspiration and motivation is hard to find.
Seems at least once every couple of weeks someone's loved one passes. Tears each and every time.
Stacey, thinking of you and so many here.
Heart, where the heck are you? Margeaux?
Book, you too. Hope things are settling down now that all family has gone back home.
StayStrong, welcome to the thread. Please share as much as you want to. I'm sorry for your situation and for you and your mom.
I had something like a panic attack yesterday evening seemingly out of nowhere. I think it was related to a new food allergy, long story. I took some Benadryl on advice of a friend. I went to sleep and woke up feeling fine. I'm just tired of this roller coaster with my health stuff. If I don't know what the triggers are, or if the triggers are darn near everything anymore (not everything, I'm whining, but enough new things that I still think "a little bit won't hurt")...
I'm making an appointment on Monday to see my doc. I'm going to lay out a case for him to give me a referral to have my tonsils out. They are bothering me for 2 months now and if I don't need them, I'd like them out, please. Might sound a little half cocked but if you were in my shoes... I'm just looking for some way to get a little bit better and a friend who has a bad strain of Epstein Barr with recurring flare ups is having her tonsils out to help. I think she's on to something.
Does Lactaid make a cream?
Thx for the recipe. It looks delicious. I am allergic to dairy so wonder if a nut cream would work - coconut for example. I use it for several things and the coconut flavour is not strong.
Sorry you are still struggling, migraines are so awful!!!! I hope you get through this soon, sounds awful! It's been a while since I had a bad sinus infection. I do recall how miserable it was and how long it hung on. Almost a month if I recall correctly. I came down with it Christmas evening and it was almost the end of January I started coming out of it. Nasty bug.
Oh, I promised to share Pork Tenderloin Recipe so here goes!
Ingredients (which I double on the cream mixture)
6 tbsp of heavy liquid whipping cream
2 tbsp dry sherry
1 tsp dijon mustard
1/2 tsp prepared horseradish
1 small golden delicious apple
1 medium to large onion
2 Tbsp of butter
Salt and pepper to taste
3/4 to a 1lb pork tenderloin
Preheat oven to 325. In a small mixing bowl, combine whipping cream, sherry, mustard and horseradish, ( again I double this recipe because most tenderloin packages are sold as two here) and I like the extra sauce! Brush some of the sauce over the pork to coat in a shallow roasting pan, roasting uncovered for 45 - 60 minutes or until meat in center is no longer pink when slashed. When pork is almost done, I use a mandolin to slice apple and onion pretty thin. Melt butter in a wide frying pan and add onion and apple to this and sautee until nice and soft stirring often. Take left over sauce and add to apple and onions and let it come to a boil adding salt and pepper to taste. You can also add drippings from pork pan into this sauce.
Take out tenderloin (use a wide platter) and cut into medallions then pour sauce over it. Enjoy!!!!! Oh, I do brush pork again at halfway point with sauce mixture, there is still plenty left for apple and onion cream sauce!
Whenever Mom starts pointing the finger saying , "you could do this or that" I always turn around and say, "yes, so could you!" That usually shuts her up. I refuse to be ordered around. I know what she can and can't do so if she starts telling me to "go and bring in the garbage can" because the truck just picked it up, she has this weird obsession that the cans MUST be brought in immediately after they are emptied, I just tell her if she keeps nagging, I will leave it outside all day like the rest of the neighbors do because they are at WORK!!!!! The minute I give in to her every whim, it will become an expectation. Sometimes I have to be a smarta** and put her back in her place. She has a bad habit of obsessing over totally insignificant things, I have enough important stuff to do than be sitting around waiting for her to come up with the next fleeting fixation. She gets all of her needs taken care of and then some! Not my fault she has decided to cut off all friendships with everyone and refuses to go to a senior daycare to meet other folks and do some activities, that does not mean I become her sole source of entertainment. That was the one thing I strongly warned her about when she said she wanted to live with me, I told her I would not be able to be "her entire world" and entertain her. That is why I took her up to a retirement community first, if she wanted a social life, she could have had it there. She refused. So, I feel no guilt whatsoever on that score, I warned her I already have a life with husband which I have already given up a huge amount of that for her with the worsening of her dementia and her bad decision making like letting strangers on the property and us getting ripped off!
trying - things aren't getting better are they? Between your mum and your sis I feel sorry for your dad and bil. BIl should put his foot down but... I am glad he recognizes the value of your boundaries. Yes, all you can do is detach and pray, ((((((hugs)))))
staystrong - the greed that comes out from some sibs is horrible. Sounds like you are doing the right things. I am so sorry that your mum is being so affected. That makes it harder for you
rainey - I am slowly getting there, thank you for asking, but with relapses. I thought I was over it and then yesterday I had some sneezing and the mother of all headaches, and stuffy sinuses again, and I am not a headachy person. I think it is another weaker round of the same bug as I don't feel as tired. I felt like I had labour pains in my forehead and found it difficult to read. It is around today too, not quite a bad, and I am a little nauseated, so I am taking painkillers to try to keep to at bay. At least the sore throat has gone, so I must be making progress. I hope your stomach is better. Sounds like the flu, but stress makes it worse. It is always comforting to hear about someone else who has the same thing, Dd said the grands and sil have the thing that I have. I hope the painting gets finished soon. I have lived with renovations and it is no fun.
brenda - in a few words - don't do it.
Pork chops are brining. Last time I left them 24 hours and it was too long as they were salty. This time it will be less than 12 hrs. I am making sure I drink lots to keep my sinuses moist. It seems to help. My kitchen needs a good cleaning, but I haven't been up to it with this bug. Worst comes to worst I will hire someone.
Upset, you mentioned the last of summer. Indeed, and it doesn't make me happy. I love the sunshine and blue skies and no snow.
Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.
I stayed up last night sorting thru more "stuff". I thought I would sleep late. But that didn't happen. I shredded another big black garbage bag full of stuff.
Today I'm working in my garden. Trying to get the last of the bear damage cleared out. A couple of PJ's grandsons are going to come over to help me get of some tomato plants that are bare pulled, pull weeds, etc. I would love for my house to magically be cleared of all the clutter, but that's not going to happen.
My brother is leaving today to go back to his home. He is giving up his apartment and going to move into a small house that is available here at the lake. He's leased it for a year to see how it works for him working from here. Then he'll decide if he wants to build in the spring.
Everyone take care of yourselves and try to enjoy these last days of summer.