The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Brenda, is there any reason why you *would* want to move in and care for this lady? I can't see a single one. What am I missing?

Sharyn,
Oh yeah, I have experienced the babytalkers. I will actually turn around and walk away immediately if I hear this because I have a problem not saying something! Grown women talking like that? Nope, can't handle it. I speak "adult" and if I cannot have a conversation with another "adult" I will quickly excuse myself. No mumblers, babytalkers, uptalkers. I have no issue with any accents, just none of the other "things" added on that make it unbearable.
One of my friends was training a new gal at work, she turned and introduced herself in the babytalk voice. I took one look at my friend and wished her luck and walked out. LOL!!!! I could not have done it.

Things are straigtening out a bit now but tonight, wasn't feeling up for a solid heavy dinner so made myself some benign hot breakfast cereal. Was just right. Found it odd that the gal I ran into at the store said she experienced same exact things I had so I think it was a weird virus because it is getting better. Stress definately did aggravate it.
I let Mom make her own food for the most part, when I was making her dinner regularly, I got the same thing. I bring her stuff I know she really loves and there is a lot of it, like pulled pork or any big casseroles I make. Other than that, because husband is a diabetic, we stick to a fairly strict diet. Mom loves her sweets above all else. As long as she is capable to make her simple meals, I want her too, makes her use her mind. I know there will be a day when I do have to fix her food for her and get her dressed, etc. I want her thinking and doing as long as she is capable. She would gladly let me do it all for her because she adapts very well to being spoiled but I jump in only when necessary.

Rainey, I went through a ton of stomach issues about 18 months ago. It seemed to go on forever. I finally realized it was mostly stress from dealing with my Mom and her food issues. No matter what I fixed she complained. Then I would rush and eat something just to eat. Once I started concentrating on my diet and not worry about hers so much things improved. The stress of caregiving will manifest itself in many ways. But at the groups that I work with stomach problems seem to be a common complaint. Most eventually figure out its the stress of caregiving. Take care of yourself. Take time for a cup of tea or something else that is soothing. And enjoy your gardening. I've got to get busy on my garden tomorrow. Hope the weather is nice.

Golden,
Are you feeling any better? I hope you are. This weekend I will be attempting to relax, monthly nightmare is coming, back hurts, bloated, headaches, no energy, all that fun stuff! Forgot to say, I was really worried about my stomach recently because it was seemingly going on and on and morphing into other symptoms, not like a typical stomach flu. Went in to get some meds at drugstore and I started talking to a gal who had almost identical symptoms for about same length of time and she was even thinking she was developing IBS or something. These bugs are getting nastier and last much longer but I was relieved to hear her say that because I thought something was seriously wrong with me. Symptoms are finally starting to let up to where I am not having issues everytime I eat anything. I still need to be aware of my stress levels but anytime work is being done on the house, it is always stressful. Painters were supposed to be done today, I knew they wouldn't make it at the pace they were going but now, front door, windows are all plastic and taped up still, are we going to have to live like this through the weekend? No opening windows for air, using the back entry to get in and out? I hope they show up tomorrow but I won't hold my breath. They have not even started with the main body paint yet, just second coated most of the trim and under the eaves still need to replace the rotted trim boards too. 1 week turns into two. I am ready for all work to cease for the year and enjoy my favorite season coming up and just focus on gardening and cleaning up before winter sets in.

StayStrong, I am so sorry for what you have gone thru. Greed and drugs take their toll on so many families. And I agree that it causes the elderly to fail s little faster. I wish you and your mother the best. Welcome to this thread. We've all had our struggles with family issues - past and present and as caregivers.

The bugs were out in full force. My bro managed to do the grilling, but we ate indoors.

I got a call late afternoon from the county prosecutor in WV. He was very nice. He said he had sent an alert to attorneys in the county about my SIL and children and alerted them about her seeking legal counsel to file a lawsuit. He said he told them that there were no grounds for suit and that it would be a financial loss to represent them. He gave them no info just the warning - illegal for him to do otherwise. He told me that in 25 years of representing and/or prosecuting people, he had never read about or met in person anyone more obnoxious and repellant than my SIL.

On an even brighter note my niece's MIL called to tell me that her son filed for divorce and that he requested that she and her husband retain custody of the little girls permanentl, and that my niece be granted only court supervised visitation because of fear of parental kidnapping or poor influence on them. His dad's an attorney so I'm sure he coached him on what to ask for.

Ali, Hope you're feeling better. 

Golden, The furniture is well scaled for my house. My grandparents never lived in a large house, so it's not overly big or ornate. It's more Mission/Shaker style. I ended up taking the leaf out of my DR table and putting 4 chairs in the garage. Then moved to my enclosed back porch. Put my grandparents table, buffet and 6 chairs in my dining room. If/when my brother builds his house, he can go furniture shopping in my garage and house. There are several things he would like. I called my three living  cousins and asked if there was anything they would like to have. One of them wanted this small glass bird my grandmother had in her bedroom. The other two are sisters who live together since they are both widowed. They wanted the kitchen wall piece from Germany that my niece tried to steal. They were both born in Germany when their Dad was stationed there. So I'm sending those things out in the mail Monday. Slowly, but surely I'll get all of this cleaned out.

My Dad passed almost 6 years ago . I have 2 half brothers I grew up with and loved. We were a close family. The Greed that came out of those 2 brothers was horrific. I ended getting beat up twice, one brother beat the other brother up, one brother moved in at mom's and called the police and said she took an overdose to get her removed from her house. I was there Thank God to say otherwise. Many other things happened, including my druggy son moving in which mom would not listen and he got $20,000off of her but covered his tracks. The 2 half brothers got about $100,000. I took mom and moved out of state. Now her dementia is really bad and keeps asking about her other two sons, whom are adults and my son, her grandson . It not only breaks my heart but now I have to feel my way through a conversation with her as to not upset her with the truth but then again she does not understand any of it, This is truly sad. This has made mom fail so much faster.

Upset,
Glad to hear you are well protected and the dysfunctionals have finally been put in thir place. You should sleep well now! Enjoy this evening and watch out for those bugs!

Rainey, I live at a private lake with gate and 24 hour guards. One way in and out. I also gave the Highway Patrol license plate numbers for my SIL and nephew, along with a copy of the restraining order, so there's a good chance they would get stopped. Some toll booths on the Turnpike and some towns have license scanners that alert them to a problem. I have their photos posted at the gate where I live. I will never let down my guard completely. I don't trust them at all. I also have my crazy cousin who tries to get me to take her mother to care for picture posted. My wack job relatives take up half the bulletin board in the guard shack. We're grilling out this evening. Hope bugs don't carry us off.

Upset-Thank goodness!! I hope this eases some of the mayhem and anxiety that your brother and his family have caused.

Ali- Good idea to let your Mom "have" your Dads care as she wishes. Reminds me of the saying "If it ain't broke don't fix it".

CMag- Your SILs Mom sounds like so many of the elders we are dealing with here. Controlling, cantankerous and stubborn. I wish I could offer easy solution but I know better. Yes, it's a crisis in the making. I used to call my folks a train wreck waiting to happen. What I should have said was they were a never ending sh#t storm waiting to happen. I hope your SIL can detach enough to keep her own health and sanity when the tempest hits for her.

Golden and Glad - Thank you for the heads up on Jude. Golden, that was hysterical, you do have a great imagination!

Well the drama is ramping up again with my family. Mom is totally out of control right now. She is not sleeping and wakes Dad up in the night to make him pee or drink water. Then she harasses him all day because she says he is sleeping too much. Apparently she is also driving the caregivers nuts with her need to control everything they do.

Sis is still insisting that all is going well but her husband called my DH today and told him things are getting bad and he is concerned for Sis's health. I just found out Sis is now trying to sell Dads coins piece meal to bring in more money. That's crazy because they have more than enough money in the bank at this point. She refuses to sell it as a lot (just like before, with the hoarded warehouse full of junk). She is still going ahead with the full bathroom reno. She is still convinced that "with the right care" Dad is going to get stronger and better. She too rides the caregivers mercilessly.

My BIL is at his wits end. Sis actually has him doing an overnight shift to save money on caregivers. She stays two nights. Meanwhile Mom is chronically abusive verbally and has actually threatened Sis physically more than once. BIL said Mom treats him like crap. My husband said that numerous times BIL referred to Mom as repulsive or revolting.

My BIL should tell Sis no, but he fears her wrath and always has. She can be a lot like Mom. He basically told my husband that he now understands why I have such strong boundaries and limits when it comes to my parents.

Although it was nice to hear something positive about the position I take, I take no joy in it. I just wish Sis could do the same. I wish she could see that what she does will never be enough and it's going to destroy her health. I wish she could see that for all her controlling she is not in control of anything. I wish I wish... but wishing does nothing. I have no control either. All I can do is detach with love and pray.

Upset,
Excellent!!!!!!!!! Well played! Now they are under the spotlight and exposed! It would not hurt to get a camera in front of your house for "just in case." These people obviously do not have boundaries and it may be the last thing to set your mind completely at ease. If they try anything, you will have it on video. The one we are looking at sends any alerts to your phone, you can set the parameters, motion lights for dark and you have the ability to talk to whomever and say audibly, "get off the property or I will sound alarm and alert the police!" That way, even if you are not home, you won't have to stress about something happening when you are not there.

Upset,
Such Good news for you!!!! :) So happy they finally got what they Deserved for all the hassle they have given you. ((((HUGS 4 YOU)))))

Yea! The last letters from dysfunction junction did the trick. Law enforcement in WV arrested my niece and SIL for criminal threatening. Of course, her father bailed them out. My nephew will be arrested when he leaves the hospital. The big upside is that there is now a permanent restraining order in effect. They may not call or contact me, my brother, or my son and his family via any method - FB, email, phone or in person. My SIL told the prosecutor she was going to sue for their part of my Mom's estate and also for her husband's estate. He told her he had checked all of the paperwork and that both estates had been followed to the letter of the law. He told her in WV there wasn't a judge who would allow her invalid frivolous lawsuit to proceed. He said she should consider herself lucky that I wasn't suing her and her children for theft.

He also told her father he should watch his money she and her kids couldn't be trusted.

Brenda, any reason you can't just say "I can't possibly do that for you, make other arrangements"?

Cmag, I know exactly what you mean about "crisis in the making." Arg. That's the reason, mostly, that I felt I could never leave my father and this house while he was having medical issues. He was competent, would not leave voluntarily, would not allow paid help... what do you do? My situation has turned out pretty well, with my father getting completely off catheter which was causing him many infection and issues, and now in a Senior Living apartment and happy as a clam. Sounds like SIL will just have to wait it out, wait for that thing to happen that gives her mother no choice but to go back to some level of care at home 24/7. Sometimes elders have no clue the amount stress and concern they cause by their actions. They truly believe they are capable and competent. That in itself should be seen as incompetency lol.

Upset, do you think that with everything niece & nephew have done so far that police talking with them will even faze them? I rather picture them as being beyond the reach of common sense, but I hope that... these things you're doing have the effect that they leave you and bro alone. What a nasty bunch and I'm so sorry.

Hi all! It's a beautiful sunny Friday here. I've had a couple of interviews last week, but didn't hear anything this week. I do think if I'm passed over, they will let me know. So... no news isn't terrible news...

And in the meantime, a girlfriend is coming over tomorrow to help me set up an Etsy or eBay shop for all my vintage silver and other jewelry. Hopefully it will help me to declutter some, plus gain some revenue while I'm looking for full time work. I'm waffling about temp work. It doesn't pay much (which isn't an issue, just... it would occupy much of my time and I have some other things to do right now) and the positions are local. I think my efforts are better spent seeking full time in the city for after my move in 10/1.

Found out the Trust Officer is retiring at the end of the month. I wish he wasn't because even though he isn't perfect, he knows the entire history of the trust and family and *I think* he would be on my side about getting reimbursed for my receipts since 2011. I'm halfway done with those. There are things that need pricing put with them, I have to go out and find a 11x14 copier for some of these receipts. Sigh. It's all good stuff, moving forward slowly.

I'm letting my mother "have" my dad's care all to herself lol. Seems it's what she wants and as long as they are both functioning and fine... There will be a reckoning at some point, with my mother distracting herself more and more from her own life and impending retirement. My mom's in her late 60s now and still hasn't moved into her small home she purchased several years ago... She's quite bad with hoarding and I don't think she knows how to move forward. Family has tried to help. It is what it is.

I have my own stuff to worry about, of course, that's enough for me. I went on 2 dates with a guy last week. First one was really nice, 2nd one he kept grabbing me lol. He really got on my nerves, so I left halfway through the movie, sent him an email and told him why.  Oh, well. I'll keep swinging the bat, keep trying, no big deal.

Have a great weekend, all. ♡♡♡

Upset,
Just looked this up.
http://family.findlaw.com/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-orders-of-protection-and-restraining-orders.html

Upset,
Was just thinking, if the letters are threatening, can't you file a harrassment suit on them now?

No Brenda, don't do it, you will be kicking yourself in the rear if you do.

Upset,
I would release all evidence you have on them with their local PD, send them a package or speak to an attorney. If all of you, brother, son and yourself send in all evidence along with any proof of monies that were extorted, stolen, etc. I would throw all of it at em!
Expose them for who they really are to their local PD and see if there is anything else you can do to prevent them from calling, (block their numbers). Unfortunately, I know all too well there is only so much that can be done, my badbro has not threatened me yet so I have to deal with the hate mail that pops in every now and again. He has just accused me of Elder Abuse. LOL! That is just funny if you all knew how spoiled she is! I do worry about his mental instability though. Husband is looking at getting a security camera for the front of the house now as we speak. So sad we have to live like this!

Brenda, Say NO loudly and clear. Once trapped you won't escape.

PS Brenda, I love people opening doors for me and loading the groceries into the car.
I am a very independent person but take any help with good grace the older and more disabled I become.

Brenda just say "NO" is your only option. She is trying to manipulate you in the worst possible way. Move away if you have to and can. This is not going to stop. Don't be guilted into moving in with her even if it looks financially advantageous to you. The big one here is that she will eventually have a fall or illness that requires hospitalization and rehab. At all costs do not agree to help her even temporally. once she gets her claws into you she will never let go. Good luck. You may feel cruel but it is the only way you can save yourself.

My son's grandmother is 86 & shared with me she took care of her aunt hand & foot. She stated, she moved her aunt in, and the more ill she became, she gave up her own activities and don't regret it. Her aunt died at age of 99. My son's grandmother shared she expects the same treatment. I shared with her, in todays society, that's asking a bit much from any one person. In her community, they offer companionship services where the city has funding 4 someone to sit with that person 4 few hours Monday-Friday, and that could possibly relieve her caregiver or family members. She expects people to open doors for her, except at church, where she tries to do everything for herself, almost falling or bumping into walls. I'm trying to understand. But I do know 1 thing, I'm not prepared to give up my life totally if I decide to move in. Are they're any other options? No, her son (cousins & son's can't do it for some reason & the cousin hardly ever visits she said) can't live with her because of drug issues. Options please.

Cmag, sending good thoughts your way. You always have good advice having gone through the baptism of fire yourself. I hope your wife is ok in this...
Upset, some people are just bad, mentally broken, and incapable of change. I'm sure the anger stems from the money train stopping. At this rate, they'll have records from coast to coast....sorry for you and your brother having to go through this. I guess just a box for evil letters and give to police.

My son called me really late last night. He had been in Oregon. In his mail were a bunch of threatening letters from my niece and nephew. He made copies of them and took the original and envelopes to the police. They agreed they were threatening, filed a report, made copies and kept the originals and faxed to the authorities in WV. Someone from WV called him and said they would talking to my niece, nephew and SIL. They made some really vicious comments about what they wished would happen to him, his wife and their children. It was awful. I hope they do something to all three of them.

My SIL has reached a new low with her "mommy dearest" borderline/narcissistic mother who has been in a nursing home after the assisted living place burned down. Her health, however, has declined to where she is in the right place. She does not and never has liked rules, but prefers to be in control. They want to give her her meds each day, but have been letting her do this under the claim that she can. Well, she has not been taking her meds. Thus, she's been told to comply or leave for her behavior is creating a liability problem for them.

She's wanted to leave every time that they have angered her. She owns a duplex and half of it is empty. She also owns some homes, but they are being rented. So, my SIL and BIL are having to move her to her duplex. She will have someone with her for most of the day, but feels like she will be ok alone at night. While this is quite a plan, she does not like the idea of her helper staying with her, but not doing anything for a majority of the time that she is there. She can only cook and clean so much. She sees no need for her to just be with her some of the time, but that is what she needs. There are, however, other problems. She basically can't see and can hardly hear. The last time she tried living in a rental house near her daughter, she would not wear her alert button.

Another sad part of this is that she is still competent and thus has to be allowed to make this unwise choice just so that she can be in control. My SIL and my wife agree that there is not anything anyone can do. This is a crisis in the making. My SIL can't spend much time with her mother or spend the night because of her own healt problems as a cancer survivor with complications and she has a husband and they have their own house plus pets. She's all alone in this and we live 3 1/2 hours away. Her mother is in her upper 80's. What a mess!

Thanks for reading my vent.

Jude has been posting on https://www.agingcare.com/questions/dementia-poetry-168487.htm?orderBy=recent&page=5

For a good example and laugh, look up Uptalking with Connie Chung 1994. It's a short video on YouTube. It will all make sense for those who are not familiar with this. Wish I could say it was all California but it has even hopped the pond so it really is becoming a widespread issue.

Send, I did watch a couple videos before I posted to Rainey, but it is not something I have actually come across. The baby talk I referred to is adult women who will suddenly start talking like a toddler. I think they do it because they think it makes them cute or endearing.

Yes, Golden, I enjoy the variations from region to region. Rural variations to urban.

Does Jude post on any threads? No uptalk intended!!! I am very sorry to hear about her mother.  Those of you in contact with her, please send her my sympathies.  

For anyone who remembers her, Jude's mum passed today.