The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks Rainey and Sharon. My brother and I went to dinner this evening. He wants us to go together to a therapist. I told him I'd call the psych dept at the university and get a referral. I find it depressing that one's own family can treat the people they're supposed to care about the way they do. My brother has problems understanding how our mother showed our brother and his family such preferential treatment.

Upset, the furniture sounds wonderful. After all you have been through including childhood up to present, don't be surprised if you experience some PTSD. Not trying to be a downer as I am very happy you are home and hopefully you will not have any further contact. You have done wonderfully through all of this.

Upset,
I will pray this is the end of your troubles, once and for all! You deserve to have a happy life.

Rainey, I understand completely. If I never hear from them again I will be a happy camper. They have worn me out mentally and physically.

Upset,
Wow! What a great piece of furniture, very smart, practical for that time period and a great conversation piece too! Sounds like you have some wonderful new treasures to incorporate into your home. All good things. Very happy for you, now hopefully you can cut off the dysfunctionals completely. Finally start enjoying your life without fear of "What's next?" I am jealous! Can't wait to cut my family ties permanently. Sounds like such a sad statement but honestly, I know you understand.

Upset, we often go to Lubec, Maine in the summers. I get the same "we're almost (several hours though) here!" frisson when we cross the Kittery Bridge.

Glad that you're back where you belong.

EastEagle, I'm so sorry you have been made to feel anxious and guilty over your Mom's home health situation, but you've done Nothing wrong, you are a wonderful daughter, who makes hour available to her every day, speaking to her on the phone.

I honestly think you should think of this new caregiver thing as a Victory, as you stood your ground, telling your brother that you couldn't possibly drive so far, with yours and your husband's own health situations going on, so Good for you on that!
And as you heard from the nice home health aide, your Mom was doing well, seemed strong, and is being looked after in your brothers absence! Yea! FINALLY, he did the right thing, something you've been wanting him to follow for So long! It a WIN WIN!

Your Mom will get over it! The main thing is that she is being well looked after, and that is all you can ask for at this juncture! You set the guilt side, try not to worry, and the next time you talk with her, be upbeat and cheerful, and so happy she has someone there taking care of her. Then change the subject to something else more pleasant that talking about anything to do with health matters! It does get old, always talking about ilness, medication or dying!

UpsetSister, yay, it's almost over and your nearly home, though it sounds like you have a big truck to unload!

You are a powerhouse and go getter, I tell ya! I hope the "family" troubles are all behind you now! They are really something! We've got a bit of that going on here at our place too, though it's all being done over the phone. It so crazy how people react when there is grave ilness and looming death, or a death in the family, especially if they think there is money or possessions to be "had"! They can all take a flying leap, if you ask me!

Golden, sounds like you and your guy are getting a lot done around your place, and a getaway planned coming up soon, how lovely! I'm glad things are working out with you two!

To everybody else, I hope you are all doing well, and I'll write a little catch up note about what's been going on here (all is fine, but extremely busy and tired😩) when I'm done catching up on reading this thread, as I've got a couple more pages to go! Love you all!

I wish I could give you all a big HUG, for all you are going through or have been through,  as we've all been through so much garbage,  dealing with this dysfunctional BS!  

Rainey, More like 200 lbs. The piece is solid oak, unfinished, not oiled or sealed, flour and meal chest. It's divided into two compartments. It holds 100 lbs of flour and 50 lbs of cornmeal. It has a built in bread board across the top that slides over from one compartment to the other. It's all  tongue and groove joints. The top can be propped open while your mixing dough or measuring out flour or cornmeal. The bread board is a solid slap of oak, hand planed. The top fits tightly when downso no bugs or moisture. It's waist high and about 5' long 2-1/2' wide. My grandfather built it for my grandmother as a wedding gift in 1918 when he came back from WWI. He also built her a beautiful Hoosier cabinet with a built in flour sifter and a pull-out work space. Both pieces will fit in my kitchen dining space I think.  The black walnut pieces include a dining room table, 10 chairs and buffet, plus bedroom pieces and miscellaneous pieces. Black walnut is widespread on the farm, along with oak and hickory, so my grandfather always had plenty of building material for his furniture and cabinet making. He worked with wood until he was in his 80's. I picked up 3 bushels of hickory nuts and black walnuts yesterday afternoon. I love both for baking.

Upset,
I CAN imagine how happy you are! Like 100 lbs has been lifted off your shoulders? OK, now you have my curiosity about the mystery piece of furniture!

I am officially home. Sitting on the back porch with PJ and watching 8 of his grandsons unload the truck. Bro is inside watching ESPN and telling them what room to put stuff in or in the garage. No one can imagine how happy I am to be home and away from dysfunction junction. Happy Happy!!!!!!!!

I have one item they're trying to figure out. I told them I'd speak up if anyone gets close in the guessing. PJ guessed a double coffin - NOT

Upset,
Glad your over the line! God bless PJ too! I know what you mean about the bridge but mine was the Golden Gate. When I did my travels to Europe or wherever, I always felt this sense of relief when I crossed over that bridge on my way home. It's the only "home" I have ever known. It's a comfort and I am so glad you will be home soon. 😊 What an ordeal and hopefully, the end of it.
Furniture sounds wonderful!!! Black walnut, gorgeous! It also has so much more meaning when you know who made the pieces, so glad you have them to love and take care of. I love furniture, I used to sell it long ago and loved the quality of the hand made amish pieces. I forget another company that would make these gorgeous solid cherry pieces and would not make them polished perfect, they left the imperfections and little knots and worm holes that gave it the beautiful character. Just a hand rubbed finish, heirloom quality stuff. Being a designer, I never tire of those things.
Get settled and breathe a big sigh of relief you are home!

Welcome home Upset.

We got an early start - 6:00. We are in southern Maine, gasing up for the last of the drive. I felt so relieved to cross the bridge from NH to Maine at Kittery. When my son was little when we crossed the bridge he "We're home! It smells like home!" Still 3 hrs to drive, but there's over 900 miles between us and the crazies. I talked to PJ. He said he had 6 of his grandson's lined up to help unload the truck this afternoon. I had been hoping for that. I have no idea where I'm going to put everything. But, it's all things I wanted to keep. My grandfather always farmed, but was also an excellent furniture and cabinet maker. There are some very pretty pieces - lots of solid black walnut. Ready to get started. A little cloudy. Hope the sun comes out.

Golden I can remember being alarmed at my grandmother's views about Germans, too. Here was a woman who prided herself on strict rationality suddenly going bonkers and making sweeping remarks about a whole nation based on the historical misdeeds of a minority. She wouldn't ride in a VW, for heaven's sake, and that was in the '70s.

But then for that generation, who'd been through the Great War, it wasn't just the appallingness of the Nazis, there was also the whole feeling of "oh for God's sake, again????!!!" Churchill said "they're either at your feet or at your throat." Margaret Thatcher opposed reunification as late as the late 1980s, which tends to get forgotten about in all the joyful anniversaries.

Having been born there and learned the language and loved the cakes, I just didn't recognise the emotions my elders were expressing. I understand it better now (still don't agree!) but I find it comforting to think that one hundred years before they would have felt exactly the same, only about the French.

Easteagle, if anyone in the future ever asks me to give a definitive example of enmeshment, I shall reach for what you said, here:

"If I think about doing something that I enjoy, I feel guilty about it, because I know that my Mother is feeling miserable. I shouldn't be saying that, because it is nothing compared to what my Mother is feeling and what she has to endure."

Look. You are not your mother. You have your own personality, your own identity, your own life and, above all, your own responsibilities. Your feeling miserable and denying yourself interests and pleasures does nothing at all to make your mother more comfortable or happier. So what on earth is the point? It just makes you miserable and contributes not one jot to your mother's wellbeing.

It must also be driving your poor husband to distraction.

Calling your mother is a very good thing (so she is speaking to you then? I'm very pleased to hear it!). It shows proper filial feeling, and human sympathy. Go on doing that. But try this as well: note in your diary what time you plan to ring your mother. Decide in advance for how long. Keep an eye on the clock, and bring the conversation to an end at approximately the time you meant to. Then make a note of anything you didn't resolve, and leave it there, by the phone, until the next call.

In the unlikely event of a crisis or emergency, your mother has paid professionals on hand who will a) deal with it and b) let your brother (first) and you (if you're on the list) know. So there is no chance that something terrible will happen that you could help with if only you'd been paying more attention. No chance. Not possible. Your mother does not need you to be hovering over her.

Over the last few months I have thought quite a lot about your family, and I've hesitated to say what I think because it's painful. But so is this level of enmeshment, and I don't think I can make it worse, so here goes.

You constantly worry that you are not doing enough to help your mother. But you miss the point. The point is that your mother has consistently, over years, rejected your help - remember that business about the new wardrobe? I'll certainly never forget it! She doesn't want you involved. She enjoys your attention and your calls give her some company, and that's fine as far as it goes. But try to let go of any sense of responsibility, simply because she has refused to let you have any, she has consciously denied you any part in it. This is a very decided form of rejection, which is the painful bit, and I'm sorry for it. But if you can only take her at her word, come to terms with her attitude, and give up the futile quest for her approval and gratitude, for inclusion in her life in the deepest sense, you could find that it relieves you of a good deal of stress.

East,
Yes you are not alone in the "husband doesn't want to hear it anymore" dept. That is what we are here for! Vent away dear, leave hubby out of it. Men are rarely able to deal with the ongoing saga of dealing with our Mothers issues that we have to deal with. Many just aren't built like that. Only when I was caregiving did I meet a couple of sons that were amazing with their Mom's, they do exist, but not common. Usually it was because they were the only ones there, other sibs either living in different states or just want nothing to do with it. My very first client was one of them with an amazing son. He was sooo good to her, I was very impressed with him. He loved her and she was a very sweet woman. I was so sad when she passed but she was mostly bed ridden so she didn't have much of a life but we would talk and laugh for hours. Her daughter was the greedy selfish one.
Your Mom is also stubborn, I get that one too, that is frustrating when they ignore doing simple things to help with their conditions. Mom ignores my requests all the time. You must pick your battles and walk away from the ones you cannot get them to change.

Golden,
Your story about Dad and the Germans, Wow!!! You just don't have those conversations with children and scare the bejeezus out of em! Children do not understand why at Dad feels so strongly to say things like that, they just hear the awful part about fearing for their lives. I am sorry you were traumatized so badly on so many levels from such a young age. If only parents knew the damage they do to children. I am assuming this was Nazi Germany related.

Upset,
Sounds like you never got a break anywhere either! If not your own immediate family, it was husbands Mom, another Peach from the sound of it. My goodness, it sounds like every aspect of your life has been dealing with everyone elses manure! You are now in a position to tell everyone to "take it somewhere else!" I would if I were you. Get out the sign, closed for business to anymore dysfunctional family garbage. You are no longer the dumping ground, you have more than done your part and enough is enough!

I will be happy to share my pork recipe with you wonderful ladies, I have no doubt it will be enjoyed by all and the best part, it is not really difficult! 😉
We can enjoy good things too! I will share when I get some time to type it out for you all.
Been a long day, shutting brain off for now, sleep well everyone!
*Hugs*

rainey The pork sounds great. I use a rub of garlic, rosemary and lemon pepper for a tenderloin. I often do pork chops with apples and raisins and bake them. I was thinking about the gun dream and it may be connected to something my father said during WW2. He fought in WW1. He said if the Germans got over the Canada, he would take his gun and shoot as many as he could saving enough bullets in the end to shoot us, then, with the last bullet, himself. And this was my nurturing parent! I thought it was a crazy idea, and decided then and there that if the Germans came I would would be out of there and take my chances with them. I don't recall being afraid, but very sure that I would not let that happen to me. I was about 5.

sharyn I know you are so ready to get your back yard done.-Bet the boys like grandma's cooking.

east - it would be good for you to find something to do that you enjoy rather than obsessing about your mother. Whether you feel guilty or enjoy yourself does not affect how your mother feels about her situation. It is better and healthier for you relax a bit and decrease your and your hub's stress. It is not helping your mother or anyone for you to feel this way. Have you thought about going for counselling to help you with this?

upset - thinking of you and your long drive and what you said about you and your bro learning to move beyond the crazies. One thing for sure is accepting that they are as they are and not likely to change. It is like the grieving process and I think there is some grieving in the accepting and letting go. Kubler Ross's stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I went through these with my sister and have finally accepted that she is what she is and that is what I have to deal with. I am doing that by going very little contact while mother is alive (only once a year for mother's birthday when sis comes here). When mother dies and the funeral etc are over, I will go totally no contact. I find that forgiveness is freeing. It releases the burden of pain that I carry.

upset - we cross posted. Glad you are making good time. Yes, care taking becomes very consuming. It is also imprtant to look after yourself as you can get lost in it. Your mil sounds like a walking nightmare. Mother complained about her heart for years and years, especially when things didn't go her way. She is 105 and it is still going strong.

Heading south soon for an appointment and hopefully the mountains. R will be up again tomorrow. I hope I get a little more energy to be able to enjoy it. Sinuses doing much better so I should perk up.

Well we're stopped for night. Drove further than we planned to Massachusetts. Should be home by noon. I can't wait. It's been a long drive.

East, I think anyone who does caregiving becomes absorbed. It's like the details of what the parent is going thru becomes all consuming. It's also all consuming for the patient. And I think people around them don't quite understand.

I got divorced in 1995. From 1983 - 1995, my ex got calls from his mom and dad about his mom's health every single day.  She was always on death's doorstep. She had breast cancer, Crohn's disease, lung cancer, breast cancer again, colostomy surgery for Crohn's, depression and a bunch of other stuff. I had to stay with her st the drop of a hat. Whatever she wanted. I've now been divorced for 21 years. And my ex MIL is still making demands and she is still manipulating family to get what she wants. I can only imagine what she is like now that she is 93. My son says not pleasant st all. I had no where to vent at that time. Just an abusive husband and too much work.I wonder how many of these people there are. I had lots of reasons to get divorced, but that was also a small part of it. I got sick of hearing about her conditions. It became all consuming.

Rainey Your pork loin sounds wonderful. I'll be glad to get home to my own kitchens. I'll be glad to get home period.

Will be good to get home tomorrow - 4.5 more hours of driving.

East eagle, my husband does not what he feels is complaining. If I needed to vent about my mom, I did it here on this site. Your hubby  is probably no different. Vent away on here, that's what a big part of this site is for.

Rainey, sounds yummy!! Will have to try it next time. I use garlic, fennel seeds and celery seeds as a dry rub. Very yummy too!!

Hi All ! Does anyone have a Husband (and Family) who gets a little bit tired of all the talking, discussing, and worrying that goes on about a Mother-In-Law? I think my Husband is stressed out over the never-ending talking that I do, all day long, about my Mother. That is all I ever talk about these days. The entire situation has drained the energy right out of me, and I am so depressed about everything. If I think about doing something that I enjoy, I feel guilty about it, because I know that my Mother is feeling miserable. I shouldn't be saying that, because it is nothing compared to what my Mother is feeling and what she has to endure. I called her today, she was just getting out of the bathroom (she still has her Chronic stomach issues), but I was able to talk to her. The results of her PCP visit: Her Doctor said that she has lost many of her senses which puts in danger of falling again, this is something that we already knew. But I did not go to this visit with her, so I don't know what else the Doc had to say. My Mother is blind in one eye, bad eyesight in the other, hearing loss, and the neuropathy in her feet. The Doc is sending her to a Cardiologist, which I think should have happened along time ago. Then it will be decided if my Mother can have the Pace Maker or not. Today she had shortness of breath, which she never has. She also had a temp yesterday of 101. She has a bad scrape on the back of her leg which is taking along time to heal. This happened in the rehab when one of the Aides was helping my Mother get into the wheelchair, and my Mother scraped her leg on the chair. So, my Mother has a Nurse coming in every day to check her vitals, and they also check her leg and change the bandage. I told Mom that when we get older, it takes longer for cuts and scrapes to heal. She also found out that she will have Physical Therapy for another 9 weeks and she was not happy about that - at all. I told her that she should feel lucky that she will be getting more sessions, because the Therapy is doing a world of good for her. I told her that my Husband would be thrilled if he could go to PT every week for the rest of his life - since that is what helped him feel better due to his back injuries. My Mother is pretty mad about having all the help coming in. As I mentioned she has a CNA every day from 8 to 8. The Visiting Nurse asked my Mom if she would like to have someone stay later than that - to help her get into bed at night. My Mother told her "No Way" because she does not go to bed, she likes to stay up all night and sits in her chair in the Living Room to watch TV and she does not put her legs up ( she has been doing that for the last year or more). The Nurse told her that it was not good for her health at all. My Mother said she can't wait for all of them to leave, and they better be gone by Friday. So I told her that my Brother and I would be very worried if she was all alone at home. I know that my Brother goes not show how he feels, but I'm sure he does not want to deal with another accident. She didn't pay any attention to what I said. She just wants things her way, Period. So we will have to see what happens in the next few weeks or so. I just wanted to let you all know that I had called her. Thank again, for all your Support, it really helps.

Sounds good Sharyn! Hope you all enjoy yourselves, I love tenderloin too and have an award winning recipe that everyone I have made it for adores. It's an apple and onion cream sauce. Sooooo good! 😊

Hoorah Upset, safe travels!! So happy you sold the car and end results are working out well. I'm sure you will be glad when you return home. No further obligations to Bb family.

Landscaper starts work to n Thursday. I will be so happy when the backyard is done.

I received some business mail from my sister, re one account of my mother's that she kept open just in case there any bills for her that may show up. There hasn't been.

Having left over pork loin Rainey, boys are coming over as yesterday was our dd and sil's 7th anniversary, we will have them a few hours so they can have a nice dinner and see a movie.

Today I will make BBQ pulled pork, everyone LOVES that so that will make everyone happy at dinner time. I have to do some house cleaning. Yesterday, had to take Mom to her annual dermatology check up since I discovered melanoma on her arm, they check her regularly. There she was, in her full Tammy Faye Bakker make up and I thought , jeez Mom, if the dermatologist wants to see your face, he will need a scraper! Thankfully he did not make a comment about it but she has had cancer on her face in the past.
Upset, I will be so happy for you when you get back home and get settled again. You need a break after all this craziness! If they ever try to contact you again, ignore them, pretend they no longer exist.
You have zero reason to have any further contact or obligation.

Thanks Golden,
Again, sorry I am so distracted, they were using the sanding machines against the house right behind me yesterday. The guy tried to get us to pay for an extenstion ladder and a harness telling us the rental costs. Husband and I looked it up and not only was the price way off, we could have BOUGHT that stuff for what he wanted to charge us. Why does a pro not have his own stuff???

Oh upset - so many blips, but it turned out well for you and your aunt, Dragging a trailer would make the trip much harder. I hope your cousin Rose is feeling better. Kidney stones are very painful. The gall of the other cousin asking you to take her mother. Unbelievable! Prayers for safe travels today! Hope you have no more surprises uness they are pleasant ones.

rainey -good luck with the paint wars and with working on reducing stress in general. it is well worth it, especially if your health is suffering. Try to build some good stuff into your day.

We're on the road. Stopping for gas and then really rolling up the road. Made a slight change to our route to avoid driving the truck on the bigger mountains. The whole time I was waiting I kept waiting for dysfunctional family to show up. My weird cousin who thinks I should take care of her mother called late last night to make sure I didn't want to take her with me me. I told her no, not ever and not come to Maine ever. I had about two nerves left when she called and wasn't very nice.  So I'm on my way. Can't wait to get home.

Upset, I'm so glad for you! Was worried the crew was going to show up in the middle of the night and light the place up! Safe travels.

Getting ready to leave. I was talking to my aunt about the trailer problem and she asked if we wanted to sell the car. I said yes neither of us needed. She said her and her husband had been looking. The came over, it was what they were looking for and they are buying. Thank heavens my brother got an estate title so we could sell. They done the paperwork and we're ready to hit the road. Hope every one is starting off a good day. I'm so glad to be getting out of here.

Barb,
I am with you! Wish I could transport myself over to where Upset is and kick some dysfunctional butt for her!!!! Easier if you have no ties to let someone have it! It is just so horrible what they are putting her through, it just makes me livid, sounds like you feel the same. Upset, you have all of us to support you. Too bad we couldn't beam over and help you because we would!
Yeah, interesting both badbro's were named John, coincidence? Here's one for ya. One day, my Grandma happened to be visiting, John invites me to play a card game in his room. He shared a room with my other brother so there were two twin beds in there. He had put a bunch of thumbtacks under Tom's bedspread and grabbed me by the shoulders and "placed me" on the tacks he had hidden under the thin bedspread! I screamed out in pain as the tacks went into my rear and my Grandma heard me. She started coming up the stairs to see what was going on, he grabbed me and hissed, "Don't you say a friggin word!" So, Grandma came into the room and sees tears in my eyes and say's, "What's wrong honey???" I had to stand there with tears in my eyes and say, "Nothing Grandma." Ruled by fear again.
Golden,
Sorry I did not get that was a dream but jeez, what fear you must have harbored down deep to have such a dream! The drive way out to a lonely country road is just downright disturbing and scary!
How heartbreaking to grow up in such fear. 😥 Again, how you have managed to forgive and do so well is highly commendable!

Sad for all of those folks in BC to have lost their homes.

Stacey, sounds like you are doing pretty well considering, everyone needs to forgive me for being a bit distracted this week, started having outside of house painted, wars with paint guy on pricing and trying to "fleece us" and husband and I having to monitor everything they are doing now, just one more thing with people who ruin trust. He agreed to a fixed price excluding unforseen damage and now he is nickle and diming us, not monitoring his guys, for all we know they are unskilled day laborers he is picking up, *sighs* always something. After they are done, no more projects for the rest of the year involving anyone we have to hire.
I am worn out with babysitting and trying to make sure they don't try and rip us off.