The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks Barb. Lol

Darn it, Upset, I'm kicking and screaming for you!

So disappointed I don't get to head home early in the morning. My cousin has kidney stones and can't drive one of the cars. She's in the hospital. We're going to call at 8 am and try  get a car trailer to haul one of them on the back of the truck. We won't be able to leave until later in the morning after we get the car loaded on the trailer. I feel like a whiney brat who is not getting their way. I'd like to lay down on the floor and kick and scream.

After the last few days I've finally realized one thing - my brother and I  need to learn how to recover from a dysfunctional family. How to move on. How to learn not to respond with any kindness to the entreaties of those who want to con us. Learn how to be angry at them and try to move on. After this weekend the topic of forgiveness is even more relevant. I wish there was a way for me to fly home tomorrow. I'm tired and I can't sleep. Oh well I'll get thru it I always do.

upset -that seems to be the theme. One child, who the parent believes/supports, who gives trouble to another child. My sis wasn't physical, but she set me up to be raged at or criticized by mother regularly until very recently. That's nearly 80 years of cr*p and I have had enough.

stacey - so much going on, I am glad you can have some help. How nice that the SW can do that for fil. My goodness Bb does like causing trouble. Old wills aren't worth anything. You are handling all this so well. I wouldn't talk to Bb either. We are free from smoke now thankfully. It is a cool and wet August so far. Many in BC have lost their homes. It is sad.

Hi Everybody! Still plugging along! We had the Hospice Nurse and SW in today to see FIL, and to go over everything and get any questions answered, all went well.

FIL is doing as well as can be expected, is still behaving and even seems a little stronger. The Cancer Dr told us that it will probably be an infection that takes him out, as he becomes weaker and weaker to fight off these things, or CHF, as his lungs are so affected. My husband, who doesn't like all things medical, is doing so good helping with the "personal" stuff! Good boy! I know that there will be tougher things ahead to face, so I hope he's up for this!

One nice thing is that the SW is looking into getting some sort of VFW acknowledgment for him serving in the Navy, twice! He is also missing one of the Medals he was supposed to have received back in the day, but they were out of them, so she is trying to get that as well, as it would mean a lot to him! His old Navy days are one thing he Loves to chat about! This is a very nice Hospice group, and they are the same outfit who worked with our Mom years ago.

We are finding ourselves pooped out by 6pm, and another thing SW told us is that he qualifies for 28 hours of home health aide per week from the VA, so we just might start taking advantage of this! It will be weird, as hubby and I are fairly private people, so we Need to learn how to accept help when offered!

Hubby's brother is causing trouble again! Telling Vicious stories about their 1/2 sister, neither of whom have been to see their Dad in the past 13 years, well maybe once or twice, but that was when We instigated the visit, or took the Dad to where They were at the time.

Bb is wanting to speak with ME about family issues, ummmm, NO THANKS! I'm staying out of it, I don't have the time or the energy for petty BS, and frankly could care less! He then went on to tell my husband that sister wants to figure out a way to "put the screws" to my husband, Whatever that means! What a joke! Then Bb said that sister has an Old Will, that has different disbursement than the one FIL has. WTF, really?

I told hubby not to worry, as FIL has legitimately and legally changed/updated his Will several times in 13 years, and that the 3 of us, FIL, hubby and I have discussed and reviewed it, as it is all together with his POA assignments, so she/they have no legs to stand on in that regard, pure petty silliness! Isn't it just Sick, the levels that these people will stoop to, when they think there may be money to be had? Now I don't want either of them in my home, so now what do I do? They are Azzhatz!

FIL told me he wants me to have Mother's diamond ring, one he bought her for their 50th anniversary. Very sweet, but I told him that we will need to follow the Will, as MIL wanted her jewelry dispersed. He was insistent, not going to get into it with him, it was a nice gesture, but I know that ring is designated for her daughter, and no way am I getting into the Fray about a ring rightfully belonging to her! I've no idea why he hasn't given out MIL's rings as she intended. There are 4 altogether, one for her Daughter, me, my daughter and my DIL, eldest Grandson's wife whom she loved very much! I'll find something nice to give to the other Grandson's wife, whom she never met, but whom she would have Loved! FIL has token items designated to all the boys in time, even Bb! Lol!

UpsetSister, my gosh you've been busy! You are powerhouse! Hope everything settles down soon!

SharynM and Golden, we've had a lot of smoke from the BC Fires here too, such a tragedy! Golden, I know that you Northern Canadians get a lot of fires up there, and we do too, in the eastern half of Wa state. It's always so sad when folks lose their homes, and sometimes whole towns get destroyed! Prayers to those affected!

East, good for you for holding your ground! See, it did work out after all! Your Mom Loves you, and she will come around!

Hope everyone is doing OK! Love to you All!

Rainey, Are you positive we didn't have the same brother?

One time when we were in grade school, I was sitting on the floor watching TV. It was one of those big 50's floor consoles. My brother wanted something  and I told him no. He threw a book at me and hit me on the temple. I had a big red mark and cried. My mom asked what I was crying about and I told her John threw a book at me. She asked him and he said no that I was clumsy and tripped and hit my head on the corner of the TV. The book was laying right there on the floor. She believed him.

rainey -the gun was in a DREAM! However, there were a number of times when I barricaded my bedroom door as I was afraid she would hurt me. I seriously considered running away more than once but figured mother with her persistence would find me and life would be worse. One time when I was a teen and things were particularly tense at home she took me out for a drive on a lonely country road and ordered me out of the car. I was afraid she was going to try to run me over, and had an escape plan. Eventually she let me back in the car and we went home. Good for you for standing up to your mother. I got a wooden hanger on the bare bum for misbehaving. Bad bro is very bad news for you.

upset - it started small and has escalated. They have shown their colours clearly. Too bad something wasn't done right at the start. I told my kids if they broke the law in any sense I would be the first one to report them. I did it to ex once when he was driving and had a dui against him and wasn't supposed to be. It must have been awful living with them next door and having access to your home. No sense of safety at all.

Rainey, You have to protect yourself from the dysfunction. It seems at times that it starts with something small and relatively insignificant and then as time passes the dysfunction morphs into other things that are important. I've found that out the hard way. Twenty years ago when the duplex was new Mom and I would leave our purses in the living room or on the kitchen counter. We would leave change laying on the dresser. Or earrings, etc. Without knowing when it started or even talking about it we both noticed things missing. We had lived there for about three years. I did the weekly grocery shopping. The next morning we decided to go to WV for a few days to visit. We came back and the groceries were missing. Mom got mad and went next door and asked my brother what happened. He said he didn't know. SIL gave their grocery money to my niece and nephew and took our groceries. She used the extra key to get in. After that it was worse and worse. Nothing happened to them so they knew they could do it. Don't let your brother get by with anything and don't let him run you down.

Golden,
Who hit me? Badbro mostly, that is why I stayed quiet after initially telling Mom about the abuse. Anytime I got him in trouble, the next time we were alone together, which was fairly often, he would beat me up for it. Quiet = survival. Mom hit me too, one time she slapped me in the face over and over until blood started gushing out my nose. I was in my teens then I think. The next time after that when she raised her hand to me, I said, " If you hit me again, I'll hit you back, Mother or not!" She knew I was not kidding.
That was the end of her physical abuse. All of us when we were kids got the leather belt across backside when we misbehaved.

Now, that all pales in comparison to having your own Mom threaten you with a GUN!!!!! I cannot even fathom that, EVER! How can anyone ever get over something like that? I could not. You are an amazing woman, I admire you more than you know. *HUGS*
No excuse in the world other than completely "out of their mind nuts" would explain that one away, I don't care if you accidentally set fire to the house!

upset - I identify! Mother's "conversations" were all about her. If you tried to change the subject or share a little about your own life, suddenly she became very tired and had to go. Of course, if you switched the convo back to her she became animated again. Sigh. There was little real conversation in our house with mother around. it was a "performance" by her. Thankfully, my father could carry on a conversation.
You have put in some protective measures. Every time there is a leak, plug it! I hope you can sleep tonight.

rainey -reducing stress when you are in a dysfun fam is imperative. You need to do what ever protects you from them. Years ago I was going to counselling for family of origin issues and I had a dream which I still remember vividly. Mother was mad about something I was doing and she had a gun. My job was to protect myself, which I did. It was an eye opener for me. I would not get into any debates/discussions with your bad bro. Nothing good will come of it - just more stress for you. You have enough stress caring for your mother. BTW, I wanted to ask who hit you when you were a kid. That was brutal - as was the treatment upset got.

Rinsing my sinuses with diluted peroxide as I have an infection. When it stings you know you got it where it needs to be. They are getting better, and hopefully even better tomorrow.

Golden,
Great advice for East! I have to try and ignore my brother, there is no point in even getting into a discussion anymore, I made my wishes clear and if he chooses to escalate, I will be forced to file a harrassment claim on him. Since you feel the twangs of guilt, remember you are no good to anyone, including yourself if you compromise your own health, believe me, I am learning this now. My stomach has been in an uproar for a couple weeks and really affecting my daily life, I already have a bad lower back and hips, and now, fatigue is getting worse & stomach issues. Stress.
I really have to try diligently to cut out as much stress as possible in my current situation because it is catching up to me. I say ignore your texting bro if he consistently tries to bully you. He has heard your answer.

My narc mother rarely spoke to me just to chat. It was always what she wanted, what she needed or tell me what all she had done for my brothers or to tell me how wonderful my niece was (same niece that stole from me) or to tell me how bad I am. I don't think narc mother's can just chat. I'm having a bad evening, tired from cleaning up and taking care of dysfunction junction yet again. I hope it's the last time, but I'm sure they'll try to con me again. It's what they do best.  

EE, you think they are mad at you? I have to ask so what? I think you are feeling guilt over not being able to help because of your own issues. That is OK! If you cannot get mom on the phone, just remember, she will call you when she needs you. Though it would just be nice to chat, wouldn't it?

east - narcs use "fear of making them angry" to manipulate people. Your mother and bro have not treated you well in the past, nor been at all concerned about your needs. Like guilt, your fear of making them angry is part of your dysfunctional family situation. Don't worry about them being angry. See if you can let it go. They don't worry if you are angry, or tired, or sick or... It is appropriate to contact your mum and ask how things are. That you have been clear that you cannot care give your mum and that bro has hired a CNA is a great step forward. If s/he is angry, s/he will get over it.

cm - from my point of view it was an unreasonable request under the circumstances that east has described. The job was much too much for her and the house not well set up for caregiving.

upset - I can imagine that you are wanting to get out of there. It has been a difficult time. Colour yourself accomplished to have carried it off as well as you have.

Daughterlu, If your mother is Trustee of her trust, she is in charge. She can move where she wants and she is who should be making money, not your brother. As far as the cousin goes, no matter how well spoken, it's none of his business.

East, I would call and ask her how her appointment turned out. I think that's reasonable.

I hope I get some sleep tonight. I am so anxious to get away from here. It hasn't been a pleasant visit at all.

Call your mother and ask her how the nurse's visit went.

You've done nothing wrong. Your brother made a reasonable request but unfortunately you weren't able to help and politely explained. He made alternative arrangements, which appear to be working out fine. There is no problem. Don't create one. Just call her.

Hi All, just a quick update about my Mother and Brother. So, my Brother had sent me the text message (never a phone call) last Monday, July 31st. He told me that he had to travel for his job, from August 7th to 11th, and he needed me to stay with our Mother at her house while he was away. Since July of 2005, I am the only one who has ever stayed at my Mother's house - to help her - when she had several eye surgeries or when she would have several crucial Eye Specialist appointments in Boston, etc. I would stay anywhere from a few days to almost 2 months at a time. However, I have not been feeling well myself, so I told my Brother that, sadly, I could not help out this time. As you all know, I still felt very guilty about it. I did not hear back from him, or from my Mother, for almost a week, so I had no idea what was going on. I finally got her on the phone on Thursday. She said she had a follow -up appointment with her PCP on Friday, but did not mention who was going to take her there. She really did not feel up to going, but she admitted that she would have to go, and she would call me with the results of her visit. I did not hear from her over the weekend. I called her today, and another person answered, it happened to be a CNA who sounded very nice on the phone. She said that my Brother had made the arrangements for her to care for my Mother this week, from 8:00am to 8:pm every day. She mentioned that my Mother was very "Independent" and very "with It" for someone her age. I was going to talk to my Mother but the Visiting Nurse had just arrived, and so far, my Mother has not called me back. So, because I had not heard back from anyone, I am not really sure if my Brother and Mother are mad at me or not. I do recall one incident in the past when my Mother would not talk to me: I had mentioned to my Mother that it would be very helpful for her to have a cleaning lady come in, since my Dad was so messy, and their house was getting really dirty. I even offered to pay for the cleaning service. My Mother got so mad at me that she did not call me for 2 Months. I am just wondering if this is typical behavior for dysfunctional Families. As I said before, I really don't understand the behavior of my Mother and Brother, at all. I guess you can say that I am "Totally Clueless" when it comes to the way they do things. On the positive side, they obviously made a big decision to hire a CNA from an Agency. ( I don't know which one. ) This is obviously a huge change for my Mother, and I am sure she is not happy about this, at all, but she just can't be alone right now. I am wondering if the lack of communication means that they are not happy with me right now. As I said before, my Mother is usually calling me every day, and loves to talk for hours. Of course I know that she is feeling pretty bad, and probably very mad and depressed about her situation, so that could be the reason too. I just don't know. Thank All.

daughterlu -if you are POA medical and financial -you can deal with your mother's assets together with her as she is still competent. Bro or cousin should not be able to touch them. Sounds like you have done well for yourself. coincidentally, I had a near death experience about 40 years ago too.


upset - safe travels tomorrow, Have a good dinner out. The presence of the sheriff 's deptmt tonight should help you feel safer. Vermont in the fall (the only time I have seen it) is beautiful. I an sure home and seeing PJ again will be great. You must be missing him.

The truck is completely loaded. Bro picked up the car title and 30 day temp registration. We're going out to dinner and to our aunt's house to pick up thing's of Mom's that were left behind when she moved. We're going to leave early tomorrow morning. I will be so glad to get home. I don't think I want to travel anywhere after this trip. Rose and I are debating taking a little one day side trip through Vermont and across northern New Hampshire. The sheriff's department will be here at Dark in case the circus makes a reappearance.

Golden, Brother is not POA of anything right now, I am POA of Health Care and all her material possessions and everything outside her Trust fund should she become incompetent although she and I are both on her checking account, she is the primary holder. I am responsible for her everyday matters. The bulk of her money is in the Trust Fund with a broker. My brother seized authority over this because he has his money in the same brokerage house and he and SIL have gotten rich over defaming me to justify this position. Mother is Trustee of her brokerage account and Brother and I would jointly hold that title if she is declared incompetent by a court. She is almost 100 years old and does not reach the definition of incompetent. We were in the process of moving her account to another broker that my stepbrother uses when her old facility took over her Health Care, injured her and put her into a Personal Care Hellhole for the purpose of getting rid of me. There was no medical reason to do so until they injured her in a forced "Care program." My cousin has a lot of clout. He is a retired Pediatrition, very wealthy and extremely well spoken. He held these things over me: 1. Mother's changing her strict end-of-life DNR Directives to giving me full POA of Health Care, 2. a divorce from my 1st husband of my religion status by Birth, 3. for taking my Mother to Colorado for a visit to where I was living in 2012 (with her Doctors approval) and 4. for all the false stories made up about me by my 1st husband, his 2nd wife, brother and sister-in-law. They all got rich on defaming me. They were in collusion to scam me. My dysfunctional family didn't hardly talk to me for about 20 years. By the grace of God, I worked hard, went back to school had a profession, bought a house for myself and a son and we prospered. I got sick from overwork, retired, got healthy back in Colorado, paid back all my debt and have a commitment to Mother to stand by her. We are not beat. With God's help brother and SIL could find God. I can rise up from the ashes once again although this is not near the broken condition I recovered from earlier in life. I was showing Mother Near Death Experiences on You Tube yesterday, something that happened to me about 40 years ago. I wanted to stay in the light but was zapped back to my body, I told Mom it was because my work was not done on earth. She said yes, God wanted me to be here for her, that was why I was sent back to my body, to serve God. That's what I have been doing while I have been drug through the mud with friends I grew up with. Mother and I now live in a Christian community where we are respected and loved. It is a painful process but we are not beat.

sharyn -it is no fun. We have smoke from forest fires, even ones far away, most summers. There are days when you need to stay indoors. Hope it is over soon.

I am so miserable with eyes, dry nose I feel like a dried up prune. At least today is cooler it this smokey air is horrible!!

OMG!!! I can't believe how horrible they are. upset, you are going to have a time of this for some time. You may look into legal action against them, if it continues.

Oy vey iz mir!!

Oh my goodness, upset.They just won't give up! Great that your neighbour sounded the alarm and they got a citation.

I am glad you have finished business and are all organized for the trip back - and are taking a break on the way. You have worked very hard the past days and must be getting tired, especially with the added stress. Take care of you!

Upset,
Wow! Good instincts on getting a sheriff to guard! My God, they are HORRIBLE!!!!!!!! Glad they were caught red handed, I would have Farm under surveillance until the last day you pull out of that driveway, then I would tell the new owner/neighbor to watch out too. Wouldn't be surprised at this point if they tried to destroy property out of spite. Obviously being bright is not their strong suit, their actions are ruled by emotion and selfishness, not thinking, "Hey, we could get in a lot of trouble."

This morning has been a little eventful. My neighbor down the road saw a strange car come thru the underpass. She called the sheriff and they sent a car. When they got up to the house my SIL, niece and nephew were at the house. They were checking doors and my nephew was in an an old equipment building going thru things. The deputy gave them a trespassing citation and told them to stay out off the property and away from the area.

Went to the funeral home, library, insurance offices and bank. All finished. Went to the monument company and cemetery.  We gave them a letter signed by all the family that we did not want any of John's crowd buried there. We picked up the truck. Jay and a boy he hired are loading firewood. There are about 3 cords of good hardwood and I have a fireplace and wood stove in Maine. Antique dealer has been here and bought all of the antiques that were here and that I didn't want.  My brother is going to drive the truck. Rose and I are going to drive John's car and Younger bro's car. So things are moving along. My brother dropped car title off and is getting a new title in both our names. He can pick it up later this afternoon. I think we'll leave ear morning. We made hotel reservation on the PA/NY line. We're not going to push it driving.

daughterlu, I am sorry that things are not better for you. What bro and sil have been doing is inexcusable. Somehow I am not hopeful that they will change much. I gather you and bro are POA. What role does cousin have? Venting does help!

upset -thought about you last night and hoped that you had a quiet night. I do understand that you want to get out of there ASAP. Hope things go smoothly today and you get away as planned. You will feel more secure at home.

guest -  sorry about the pain of missing mum.  That was some experience and you are right that generally people have to go through it themselves to get it. I like and use the frog and scorpion story. This is the way I read it in Aesop's fables.

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The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion, the grifter, the scammer...

rainey - yes, first time shame on you, second time... Hope your aunts don't get scammed for any more. You have done what you can.

Guest,
Very wise words, "fool me once".......after that, it's on you or anyone else who does not listen to the warnings. Had to warn my Aunt my badbro is on his way to visit them, he already extorted cab fare out of the gullible aunt from airport. I warned them, that is all I can do.
Sorry about missing your Mom, I know it's painful, especially if she was a good one!