The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi all, we are plugging along! My FIL is being extremely appreciative, and is not too demanding. I am finding that if I get myself and him on a regular schedule, it all flows much better, so I have written out a schedule of things to do in the AM's, and following along, and it's much like having a newborn baby. I take care of his personal needs, wipe/rinse out his mouth first off, give him something to drink, put in his teeth, breakfast and meds, then he sleeps for a while. Then I get myself dressed, and do some charting, get ready for lunch, although he isn't eating or drinking all that much. I'm trying to adjust to making/serving him only toddler size portions, and that's all he can manage. Then he's off to sleep again.

Eldest Son, DIL and the Grandies were here to visit for 1 1/2 hours yesterday, too long, it wore him out, and me too, as I was giving the adults time to visit, but the kids wanted to play me, and I was tired! I gave them the Ipad/tablets to plug into, which is So not like me, but I didn't have any energy left, having not been sleeping well at all the prior 2 nights. I did sleep so much better last night though. I had been anxious in the night, listening to him breathe, then there's that thick, gooey, icky coughing every minute or so, wondering and worrying if it will be his last breath! Now I know to take a half dose of sleeping aid, so that I too can sleep.

So routine routine routine, and that is what is going to get us through this. He is very weak, is unable to even stand with assistance, so we are definitely going to need to figure out an alternate way to assist him in toileting, as just the stand, pivot, sit down on the bedside commode, post clean up, and getting him back into the bed is breaking our backs, as he is 140#'s (down 20#'so in 3 months) of spaghetti in our hands, and has zero strength whatsoever to assist us, he just drops straight to the floor and we are really fearful of hurting him in the process. We are now thinking that the adult disposable briefs are the way to go, and take the commode out of the equation altogether, otherwise all 3 of us will be crippled!

He does have a urinary catheter thank God! My husband insisted on it day one, or we would have been in a heck of a mess here! My FIL had prostate cancer in his 70's with surgery, and did great, but in the months leading up to to this recent hospitalization, hubby noticed that he was going to the bathroom very frequently (12-15 X a day!), even (and No UTI was diagnosed), so not sure why, but I'm guessing it could have to do with all the coughing or the cancer, so the catheter was a must!

Bad brother (BB) is being put off until he can personally finance his own trip up to see his Dad. Hubby's sister said that the BB asked her for 500 dollars for gas money. He drives an old gas guzzler type car, and 500 wouldn't get him here and back from Az, let alone food and lodging funds, so not sure what he was thinking, except to put the rest of his trip expenses in our lap. Ummmm No! There is a history of him doing these sorts of things!

I mean, are we responsible to get him up here to see his Dad before he dies, IDK?

My husband spoke with his sister yesterday, for the first time in 5 or 6 months, as he had asked his brother (who speaks "conspires more likely" with her regularly) to forward information about their Dad and this recent turn of events, but of course he didn't. She was drunk and not making much sense, but at least she did ask about him and sent her love, but no mention of her wishing to come to visit him, which is fine by me!

The very last thing I want is for the last days of his life, is to be those 2 causing troubles and distractions, or any of it being about THEM! The 2 of them have caused enough problems in his life (and ours!)!

And if they think they are going to charge in and raise Cain about potential future inheritance monies or jewelry or whatnot now, before he dies, I just will not allow it! Or if they try "stepping up" Now, wanting to "help" with the caregiving, ummmm No, because FIL would be extremely uncomfortable with that and neither of them can be trusted! It's such a bunch of BS to deal with!

I doubt we'll ever see the 1/2 sister, but the BB I'm sure will come at some point, but it's going to be weird all the way around, it always has been. Still I know that we cannot keep him from seeing him, attempting to make peace in his relationship with his Dad, and saying his goodbyes.

Alrighty, back to the sick Bay! I am really trying to keep calm and my spirits high! Hubby is still struggling with the sibling stuff, resentment, frustration and probably some blame in there too! But we have all our kids stopping by, and offering assistance, and my sisters too. We'll get through this, that is my Mantra!

I took some time and really went through the Hospice Handbook info with FIL, explained it was all about his comfort and quality of life from this point forward, no dietary restrictions, he can eat anything he likes, and we spoke about pain and anxiety stuff, and that we have loads of ammo to combat any discomfort he might have, and not to worry about being wimpy, sleepy, or not being forthright about his worries, and that we will manage these things as they come up. He was glad to know, and said that he trusted me, and won't hold back his discomfort and need for medication, as he has always done in the past, having to be "PERFECT" all the time. One funny thing he said was to "help myself", as he doesn't want me to be in any pain either! I told him I've got my own ammunition for my pain, and not to worry, Lol!

Another thing, because he is a Proud Navy Veteran, I am trying to come up with a way to acknowledge him in some way, a Armed Forces/Navy Representative to come visit him  with a Letter or Accommodation/recognition  or Medal or something. I do know that he is missing one particular medal he should have received regarding the Korean Conflict, as they were out of them at the time, so I'm hoping I can figure out which one, and have that delivered to him by someone from the VA. But does anyone else have any good idea's on what I can do to give him something like this, or something simular?

I do know that the AL place did an acknowledgement of his participation on the "Wall of Veterans" over there, and they are going to give me that framed piece to hang up here in his room.

Or any other suggestions on keeping his mind occupied, as for some reason, Mr TV has gone off watching TV altogether. I think he's just so tired all the time, and is unable to follow the plot, and the news is so depressing! It's early days and still lots to figure out!

OK, thank you all for being so kind and thoughtful! Off to do a little meal prep for today! Love Ya! Stace ❤

Another Beautiful day in the PNW! We've had such a great Summer! Can't wait to see the Solar Eclipse on the 21st! Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

Upset Sister I think you are right to keep your distance from your niece. Leopards never change their spots!

Golden, maybe one of those soaker hoses looped over the tops of the tomato pots might do it with the water turned on very low.
I used to put my indoor plants in plastic bags when we went on vacation for 2 weeks and that kept them nice and moist. Trouble is yours might burn up if the sun gets very hot.
If they have not fruited before first frost try bringing them in and set in a sunny window. I do that with my geraniums. keep them in the unheated basement by the french doors and they bloom all winter. Hardly need watering at all.

Golden,

How are you? I'm glad to hear that you and R are getting so many things done.
I understand that feeling of needing one's down/alone time from our mates.
Sometimes I'm just looking forward to my husband going to a class he attends on
Wednesdays, because I can just become a couch potato and not deal w/his
energy for a few hours. It recharges the battery over here for sure.

The grief does hit us when we have the time. I'm sorry that you were feeling it, but understand that it happens.

Yes, the current situation w/my two BIL's has been emotionally draining!
We're coping the best we can with it. Add to the mix.....the three brothers have
plenty of drama between them. Dysfunction at it's best. My husband is only a year older than
the youngest one. There's 5 yrs. between these two and the eldest. So my husband's relationship
to his younger brother is one of a lot of competition, since they were children. This brother is a piece of
work, too! He thinks of himself as a James Bond type. Then, my husband isn't too good in the compassion
area. He does care for his brother and all of that. But the other side, is my husband gets hyper critical about
him, and it's hard for me to have input when things are like this. For instance, two weeks ago when things seemed a bit out of hand, id did reach that moment. Maybe my husband should go there to find out what was happening. This would mean my husband would have to take on the task of trying to get bro's financial stuff in order, like sale of property. Since hubby was already being critical, instead of trying to put that stuff aside at this time, I just kept my mouth shut about he going over there to sort things out. I couldn't imagine their older brother going to Asia, since he's dealing with his own health issues. But in the end, eldest bro went.
Oh....he got released from the hospital since I last posted. So now he's the one taking care of business.
Thanks for asking Golden.

You had asked for any ideas about a wick for those tomatoes. Do you think a straw might help?
IDK, I've grown tomatoes before. Now I'm just not sure how water could get coaxed through a straw,
on its own. HAAH! Maybe thats a crazy idea.

Good luck with those tomatoes,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden,
There are those temporary or odd place irrigation set ups using water you add in bucket and it has a timer. Let me see if I can find what I am trying to describe.
Upset,
My God, it just never ends with them! I find it quite telling your badbro only left them a dollar, that is the ultimate statement, kinda like leaving your waiter or waitress a buck. Acknowledgement that you weren't being absent minded, it is what you felt they deserved for ................bad treatment of some kind? Who knows but that is a huge message. You are smart to stay out of it, Jay may feel some familial obligation but you need to stay away permanently and not get sucked in by tears. So your gonna sell the farmhouse? Guess one less thing for you to worry about and properties need upkeep so I can see why.
Sharyn,
LOL!!!! Yes, can't we just get along everyone and save our judgements for a case by case basis instead of labeling everyone in a state as being a particular way? You remember the .com years, jeez, all kinds of people came flooding in with their "new money" and self entitled attitudes from all over! I remember it well. Silicon Valley swarm. The cost of living here is ridiculous, that cannot be denied. Happy to hear your son is coming for a visit soon!!!! 😊
Going to look for watering solution for Golden!

Golden, Braided cheesecloth maybe. No experience with such - just a wild idea. Oil lamp wicking?

I keep remembering when my niece and her husband tried to steal my mom's jewelry. Also when they stole my laptop and a couple of other things. I don't think she was completely without some guilt in those incidents. I loaded up my jewelry and some other stuff and took down to Rose's for safekeeping. I was very upfront with my niece. I told her I hoped that she was changing and that things were changing, but that I was very uncomfortable having her in the house. She said she understood and would stay out of the way. I don't like feeling this way, but it's difficult for me to simply forget all she has done. Those people took years of my life and made things very difficult for me for a long time.

rainey - hope you have a peaceful day

sharyn - so glad your son will visit!

((((((upset)))))) so true - if you don't protect yourself no one else will. I think you are wise to keep out of the famdram. I do sympathise with Jay wanting to help your niece, especially as she seems to be trying and her mother and bro are such bad news. You don't have to be involved. Hope you sell the farm easily. I imagine you have some mixed feelings about that. It has been a refuge for you. Glad your cousin is helping you drive. More stuff to deal with!!!! Never ending!

Trying to figure out how to keep the potted tomatoes from drying out while we are away. It is a long shot to expect anything from them anyway, but R likes to try these things. He put plastic bottles in the soil with tiny holes and the water ran through too fast. Smaller holes would help or less of them. I will mulch around the plants which will also help and am thinking of "tenting" them with clear plastic bags which will cut down on evaporation. A wicking system would be good, but not sure what to use for the wick. Any ideas???

Sharon, That will be a great visit for you and your husband. I would love for my son to come visit. But it's a long haul from CA to ME - especially for someone who refuses to fly.

My brother got a call from my niece crying last night about midnight. Her mother and brother had yelled at her about staying for the picnic and for helping us. Her mother told her to get her stuff together and get out and never come back. My brother drove to where she was about 50 miles away and brought her back here. He said he couldn't leave her sitting there. She has a teaching interview in Cleveland on Wednesday. Her Dad had been letting her use his car, but we have it because it has to be retitled for the estate.  My brother left $1.00 to each of his kids and wife as required by WV law in his will. I think that says something about how he felt.  He left everything else to my brother and I. More fallout from dysfunction junction. Jay thinks he should put the car in his name in Ohio, get insurance and let our niece use the car so that she can get back to work. If she gets the job in Cleveland, he will help her get a small apt. I don't think he should, but he says he doesn't feel he can turn his back. He sincerely believes that SIL and nephew were responsible for a lot of chaos with Mom, badbro and his family. I'm not sure, but I'm not taking any chances joining that circus again. I'm packing up stuff here at my grandparents house to get it empty. I called and reserved a small truck - there's not that much stuff. I'm hoping to get everything packed and leave on Wednesday or Thursday. My cousin Rose is going to help me drive and I've got her a ticket to fly back in a week. She's never been north and says she would like a short vacation. I'm going to sell the farm. Rose told me to talk to the man who owns the adjoining property - he wants the land. I'm going to talk to him this afternoon. I don't want to be sucked into the circus again. I don't want the drama. If Idon't protect myself, no one else will. I talked to PJ about it and he agrees I should stay out of the ongoing drama. So that's the beginning of another stress filled drama at dysfunction junction. I'm headed into the UHaul Moving center to get boxes, tape, etc and start packing up.

I had a nice phone conversation with my son last night. He is coming out for a visit after the first of the year. I can't to see him!!

Right Rainey!!🎼 this land is your land, this land is my land. From California to the New York Island, from the redwood forest, to the Gulf Stream waters, this land was made for you and me!! Lol!! A little Americana🎼🎼!

I was born in the Bay Area, still here. Funny I have only met a small handful of people in my life that were actually "from here." Yes it is quite liberal here, no doubt, but not all of us can be put into the same cookie jar. 😉

You are right upset! Kern county, Bakersfield while considered the beginning of SoCal, is more like the Central Valley where we lived. Very conservative in the Central Valley, large agricultural areas all down the valley. The people who came from the Bay Area only wanted to live in a family oriented area to raise their children. Yes, some of these kids were misfit kids and the idea that these kids were left alone after school until their parents came home from their bay area jobs was true.... I was an original latch key kid in the 60's and 70's. Progress will come no matter who blazes the trail first, people all want the same thing, to raise their children in good environments, work hard, live and enjoy life.

Sharyn, I don't know much about Idaho other one visit several years ago. Maine has had an influx of people from other states. They visit along the coast and think it's quaint and outdoorsy. They meet people who are friendly in bars and restaurants, etc. A lot of the people they meet aren't from Maine, but rather seasonal employees from out of state for the summer season. Then they decide to move, find property along the coast is very expensive so they buy inland and discover the other Maine. Low income and some resentment to outsiders. It's not that they are unfriendly, but unsettled when people from "Away" try to change their small towns. I moved from out of state twice - NC and OH. Their have been moments when I've thought it was a problem, but it was just moments. My son and his wife started out after college in WV then thru her job transfers to Maryland, Virginia, Nebraska, Florida and now four years in CA. They say one thing they've discovered everywhere is that people are basically the same, they work hard, love their kids, and generally have similar goals in life. After being in a very conservative area of FL they thought CA would be over the top liberal only to discover Kern County is one of most Republican counties in CA; nothing like what they imagined, but they love it there. People are people. You'll have great success at finding a job.

Thx sharyn and upset. No. it does not get easier. R has been told his youngest son C will not live to 40. He is about 30 now. He had a brain injury and is in constant pain with headaches.and on heavy drugs which will likely eventually take him. C has already had emergency surgery for a perforated bowel - drug related. It happened very quickly. He has full mental capacity, and carries on the best he can, but some days has to stay in bed with curtains drawn etc. I think it was easier that my son went quickly and never really suffered. C suffers 24/7. though none of this is easy for anyone. I am so sorry for PJ who has lost 2 children.

Golden, I have no first hand knowledge of that kind of huge loss. But I do know what PJ has gone thru with the loss of his two children. There are days on end when he can talk and laugh about his son and daughter. But on the very next day the mention of their names will send him out of the room and outside. He will withdraw as much as he can from everyone. His son died almost 9 yrs ago and his daughter 7 years. I don't think it gets any easier for him.

Golden, I have a friend back home who lost her son 2 years ago to suicide. It is a very hard thing no matter the cause of their death. She does well most of the time, however, there are days she is very weepy and grieving. I'm not sure it ever goes away completely. ((((((Hugs))))))

Thanks everyone, I'm not taking it personal and really, I have only had 1 person ( our insurance agent) who asked if we were having any problems in that area. It just sent up red flags, whether he has a problem, it's his problem as I am not politically involved and I keep my beliefs on that subject to myself. I do not consider myself a liberal, yet, I am not an ultra conservative. Our neighbors are great!! Across the street they are from Michigan, and most people I have met, are from California but have been here longer. If need be, I can get a job in Boise where I will probably find less unfriendliness, if it appears to be a problem. I just need to be aware of how I ask questions so it does sound like I am complaining about their ways. I am the new comer and have to adjust to the local culture as a result.

upset - Peaceful day here, Love old wood stoves. We had one at my grandfather's camp in Northern Ontario. Making coffee was an art. You put water and grounds into an old blue enamel pot and brought it right to the boil so it foamed, put it aside and did this 3 times, then let the grounds settle. Awesome on a chilly morning. My grandmother had planted a small garden there and all that was left in the latter days was rhubarb. I had gone there with some other young people and was challenged by one lad to make a rhubarb pie. There always were basic supplies in a tin "barrel" under the inside kitchen floor, accessible by a trap door. The outside kitchen was screened in and was where the wood stove sat. I laughingly said, "Make me a rolling pin and I will do it." Said lad disappeared for quite a while and came back with a carved wooden rolling pin. So we fired up the stove and I made pastry from memory, filled the pie with fragrant rhubarb, and carefully baked it. Actually it was one of the best pies I ever made.

Baking bread sounds like a nice grounding thing to do.

sharyn -hope that the unfriendliness doesn't get in your way for a job.

stacey - you are battening down the hatches in prep for bil to come. I am sorry that it has to come to this, but think you are wise. Hope fil stays in a good mood. I know you know what you are doing, ((((((hugs)))))

Looks like the mountains are on for next weekend as long as the weather holds, Monday and Tuesday have a risk for thundershowers so this week wouldn't have been good anyway.

Still missing my son. Probably was too busy to process it all. Grief waits till you have time.

SharynMMarie, Not sure this will help,but people from Idaho have always disliked people from California . I am talking from at least the early 70's lol. So I wouldnt take it personally I think it is just tradition.

Sharyn, In the case of Mainers who moved to Idaho, the Mainers were in reality probably far more liberal and if conservative, probably along the line of Susan Collins who many don't consider conservative.

Golden, You must have made a lasting impression on the guy. I have male friends on FB that seem to remember me, but I'm somewhat clueless and don't remember them totally.

Rainey, The stove is a challenge, but kind of fun. I baked bread this afternoon and didn't have too much trouble. The farmhouse is a typical 2-story T. Got indoor plumbing about 1982. Still have an old washtub and washboard on the side porch. I like it here, but doubt I would ever live here. Too isolated. Although my cousin's wife lives alone a mile down the road. 

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day.

Now what do I do? Three years ago a man, about my age, friended me on facebook. He went to my university. OK. I messaged "Do I know you from St A's?" Note I am his only facebook friend. No answer, so I forgot about him.

The other day I got a post on my timeline from this man. "Were you the girl next to me in Chemistry class?" I came on facebook just to contact you. My email is ..."

I mentioned it to R and said I was curious. He gave me the OK so we have exchanged an email. He is retired and lives in France. We were both at university about the same time and that was around 60 years ago. He also said the girl was not Canadian though her first name is the same as mine. He must have searched for J--- at St A's University. He signed "warmest regards" which leads me to believe he would like to keep up the correspondence. Today on facebook I posted a pic of R fishing.

I thought this kind of thing would stop by my age, but it hasn't.

I am still curious!

Well, it is the old adage, now I am here pull up the draw gate! A lot of that here as well.

Glad, I am sure the media has a lot to do with it as people Base all of California on the lifestyle of what they see re SoCal and San Francisco. Here is it similar as Idaho is a strong "red" state and they see all Californians as flaming liberals with big ideas and wanting to change Idaho into another California.

In the city we came from, during the 80's, we had a huge growth from the Bay Area coming in and buying homes. They wanted out of the Bay Area because of drugs, gangs etc. people tried to stop the growth because they resented them being able to buy homes in our city when our own people couldn't afford to buy. The problem is our city will not bring in businesses that can offer decent wages. Everything is retail and very little industrial development. So everyone commutes to the Bay Area to work. We were/ are considered a bedroom community. The climate is better toward Californians here  in the southwestern part of Idaho than in the north.

It actually is kind of funny because in reality, there are very few native Idaho residents because people left to find better jobs in California and elsewhere. 

Sharyn, I think that many communities do not like the Californians or Texans. It is like that here but it comes from the overwhelming media reports about LA, San Fran, and those places. In addition they sell their homes in those areas for megabucks then are able to move to nicer neighborhoods than where they came from. Sometimes there is a culture shock for the Californians that move to nicer neighborhoods, they just do not know how to behave, cause uproar that people living there are just not accustomed to.

Happened in a nicer neighborhood that I once lived in. People that came from California moved two houses down from us. Their oldest son was a juvenile delinquent, all of the sudden cops were in this very quiet neighborhood all of the time.😟

Stacey,
I knew moving your FIL back to your house was going to be a problem with your bad BIL. That is why even though you are doing a noble thing, you will have to deal with him now too. I am sorry you will have a double whammy on your hands now. Taking care of FIL and protecting your home and his prescrip drugs & money from BIL. *Sighs* You are a better woman than I. 👼
Upset,
It rained here yesterday too! That is just odd in August to have that happening here. I could just picture the old farm with the antique wood stove, I LOVE nostalgia, I bet it was a challenge cooking with it though! I always wanted to live in a victorian home and keep it as original as possible with a just a few modern updates of course! Long dream of mine. I guess I just long for simpler times in many ways (as I sit here with my ipad) LOL!!!!
Hope the rest of your time at the farm house is nice, quiet and relaxing after all the family has come and gone. I still can't get over the yellow tank top! Talk about bad breeding and lack of any type of manners. Jeeez.

I just hope it doesn't prevent me getting a job here. I am just going to say we grew up here but hubs was transferred out of state and we moved back now that he retired.

Sharyn, I went to two different high schools so I have two reunions. Planning on going to both.

I've heard the people in Idaho aren't very welcoming. Know several people in Maine who moved there and then moved back to Maine.

One bad thing about living in Idaho, their sentiment toward Californians is not always welcoming.

Upset, I hope you enjoy the time with your friends. Are you going to go to the reunion? That would be good for you if you can.

Stacy, I know the feeling. It's horrible to have people in your house you can't trust. That's how I felt yesterday with a few people who went in and out. I locked the staircase door so no one could go upstairs. Plus two close friends stayed downstairs and kept an eye on things for me. 

Woke up this morning to steady rain. Guys have been here to pick up tables and chairs to take back to the church. We still have some minor cleanup to finish. I made breakfast earlier. Cooking on my grandma's wood cook stove was an adventure. I remembered most of what you have to do. I made biscuits and using that oven was a real trick to accomplish. I can recall Grandma made it look so easy. There is a propane gas stove in the summer kitchen, but I didn't think to have propane tank filled.

I'm meeting some friends for lunch. Catch up on everything they are planning for our 50th reunion.

Everyone have a good day.