The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Stacey,
You will do fine if you keep your head about you.

Sharyn, I hope she does. I think she's trying very hard to get her act together. She's made a lot of mistakes, but fortunately she got her teaching license back, do she can get back to work. Her little girls are so sweet. It was sad to see them leave.

Sojac60, if you don't mind my asking, what is stopping your Mom from changing her life insurance beneficiary to whom ever she chooses, or even multiple people for that matter? Especially since he is currently incarcerated, now might be the perfect time for her to do just that. I don't believe anyone can stop her from changing the assignment to whomever she wants, or how often she wants, as long as it is witnessed and notarized/ done by the book!

Perhaps she wants it this way, but he certainly should not have forced or coerced her to do something she didn't wish to do. Unless she has dementia or diminished capacity, then she might not be able to make changes?

It's terrible when people take advantage of their parents and their money. My husband's siblings have done that for years, and I'm finding it dificult to a ascertain if now that my FIL has just been diagnosed with a life ending Cancer, and is on Hospice in my home (only just the second day), if the concern my BIL is lamenting is honest, or only a ploy for financial gain. He is certainly doing everything he can to get on my husband's good side, not that my FIL would make changes to his Will or anything at this point.

I don't like feeling this way, not being able to trust in the most vulnerable time of someone's life, but in the 30 plus years I've known him, he has proven to be Not trustworthy, and now to the point that we don't even want him to stay in our home, as we're afraid he might actually steal from us, as he has in the past.

I don't Want to have to lock up my jewelry or valuables, my FIL's narcotic medications (for his cancer), or my husband's valuable coin collection. I just don't want people like that entering my home, people who we cannot trust, but it is his Father too, and now that his is going to live out his days on Hospice in our home, and we don't how long it might be, I guess we are going to have to figure out a way to do just that, as he is pushing hard to come from another state to see his Dad before he dies (he has only seen his Dad twice in 13 years), another thing that makes me distrustful, I mean Really, you couldn't have found a day or 2 in 13 years to pay your old Man a visit? The medications are no problem to lock away, and we have already since we have small Grandchildren, but now we are going to have to put secure locks on our Walk in closet and our bedroom doors, just to keep things safe, it such an icky feeling!

I'm sorry you are having struggles with your shady brother! Seems to be going around!

Yellow tank top!! Oh my!

R is the one working hard. I just admire and encourage, and feed him well, though I do work when it comes to the computers. My garage door opener is working properly now - hadn't been for several years.

I am not a drinker either, upset. If alcohol disappeared off the face of the earth it would be a few years before I noticed. The closest I have been to moonshine was some crabapple gin a friend made. They weren't really drinkers, either, but they had bushels of crabapples to do something with, and had made all the jelly they could cope with. We used to go over there to play bridge on Friday evenings and J served us crab apple gin, which was a lovely pink colour. I took one sip and started to choke. It was soooo sweet and my throat spasmed, which it does with really sweet things. That was the end of that.

I hope you have a peaceful few days before returning home and that you have some closure over bro John.

Margeaux -that is a very stressful situation with your 2 bils. Your hub must be quite worried. Then the bbc on your face, and considerations of treatment. ((((((hugs)))). I am sorry that you have ths to deal with.

thx sharyn - you had a moonshine experience too!

I am sure R and I will get to the mountains eventually. I actually found my old rubber boots and will take them along for the fishing.

Upset, I am sure you are glad it is over. That is too bad about sil and nephew, however, there is hope for your niece and hopefully she will follow her fathers advice.

My sil's great aunt and uncle brought moonshine to the wedding/reception. It was handled similarly out of their car. We didn't know until after our daughter wedding was over. No, I would not have tried it even though I was drinking then.

Margeaux, sorry to hear about your bils health issues. I am sure it is taking its toll on you and your hubs. I hope your own issue bcc is resolved in a way you feel comfortable. How is your mom doing? Hope to hear more from you.

Golden, you have been kept busy with R. It sounds like lots was accomplished. I hope you can have the mountain trip.

Have a good evening everyone.

Rainey, I didn't have any. I've never tasted. I know a lot of home stills. This guys made it for years. I can't believe my aunt's tried a shot. Yep she wore a tank top - bright yellow. There were only a handful of women who wore pants. Most of the women had on cool summer dresses. My niece showed me her letter. It mainly said she should get her act together and not listen to her mother and brother. She has been a pain in the butt to me and done some things that definitely were not nice and wrong. I do think she learned her lesson. She had her final court hearing on an accusation made against by a student's parent. The state board of education said that they had been given information that she did not do the things she was accused of by the parent. They reinstated her teaching license and gave her a formal letter to attach to applications. Her case was very public. She is applying to schools near where her little girls live. I'm glad it's over with. We're going to stay for several more days. Since my brother is Executor he has to get a death certificate Monday and file paperwork at the courthouse. We've got to get an Executor's title for the car. Just the usual stuff. I'm enjoying the farm. It's nice and quiet. Hope your day hasn't been too stressful.

Golden, I don't know what he said. But I'm sure he knows all about how the farm was handled by my Dad and uncle to keep my Mom and brother out of it. Shine is fairly common in WV. These days most makers flavor with some kind of fruit. It's not the pure grain alcohol it used to be. I'm simply not an alcohol person - just don't like the taste. All in all I think things went well other than SIL and nephew. Hope you're getting a lot accomplished and get your trip to the mountains.

upset - good thing sil and nephew got that message from your neighbour. I wonder what it was too! Peach moonshine from the trunk of a car sounds very "earthy". Your niece seems to be trying in very difficult circumstances. I hope she gets her life together.

I am sure you are glad it is over.

stacey - let us know how things are when you have a moment.

Upset,
Glad to hear things went fairly well other than SIL and nephew. Why am I not surprised? Woulda given anything to hear what the neighbor said to get them to hightail it out! Bet it was good! Your family sounds very interesting, Peach Moonshine? I would have had to try a shot, just because I have never had moonshine. SIL showing up in a tank top?!?! Wow, now that is a class act! Was it at least black?
Hopefully you are done with them now.

I had a neighbor who as a teenager went south with his family to sample moonshine. He ended up blind and severely disabled.

Ah, moonshine. I've got a "maybe gonna be" son in law who makes that. Good times!

Barb, You're right about the book. I forgot the real highlight of the picnic. A neighbor parked his car near where the tables were. Didn't think about it much. I noticed various people going over to the car including my aunt's who are 85, 91 and 95. He had trunk full of moonshine and giving out free samples. It was peach shine. I had forgotten about his "Hobby". At least no one got tipsy.

Upset, you could write a novel about these folks. Glad it went well.

my mother was in memory care at a very nice A/L and memory care facility. She had a private room with private bath which container all her own furniture.  There are many really nice facilities. Yes, it can be expensive.

Just docking in as I need to on my computer to access the thread.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I survived. The service was very brief. Picnic was good. Even more food arrived. I sent home leftovers with a bunch of people. My bros grandchildren we're all there; my nieces little girls looked cute and were very well behaved. Not a peep out of either of them. Nephews boys were a little wiggley. No problems other than SIL who announced loudly that she wasn't going to the picnic because she never liked any of John's family anyway. Nephew said he wasn't going to the farm because I stole it from him and his dad. One of farm neighbors took him aside. I have no idea what was said but he and his mother left together immediately.  My SIL who weighs about 300 lbs wore a tank top and stretch pedal pushers. Not an attractive look. It was out in the country but everyone else was dressed nicely. My niece drove my brother's car over since it is now a part of the estate. Jay drove her back to her grandparents house since her mother and brother left abruptly. I felt sorry for her - she was so upset when her little girls left. She told my brother and I that her mother and brother aren't treating her very well. She says they leave and run around all day and leave her to take care of her grandparents, cook, do laundry and clean house. Both of them need a lot of care. One has Alzheimer's and grandfather has pain and mobility issues. I think she's under a lot of stress.

All in all it went well other than SIL and my nephew. She certainly wasn't the grieving widow.

Hi Everybody,

"I'm BaaaaacccK."
Well, just been trying to catch up just a bit, reading what everyone has been going through the last few weeks.
There's a lot happening here.

Sorry that I went MIA again. It's just been a lot of upheaval over here!
First of all, I can't remember whether I'd told you that my biopsy came back as a BCC.
The derm informed me again about the MOH's. He also told me that it appeared because of the location of this BCC, (the upper lip/next to nose) area, he didn't feel comfortable to handle the extraction of it. Even if he were to do it, I'd still need to deal with a plastic surgeon. Then, my primary is supposed to send me to see an ENT,
apparently for the 2nd part of this procedure. I'm not rushing to do this, as I was starting to feel a bit pressured.
Too many outstanding questions for me. I've been reading also and was even in touch w/a couple of patients, who had considerable numbing of lips, 6 yrs., after the procedure. Sure they can extract these, but the patient has to also go in there full well knowing because if it's near the mouth, it can become rather tricky since it's so near to muscles used for chewing, etc. For now, I'm using some natural protocol, which I've researched, and had some counseling about it also. The method I'm using seems to be working. One has to be very persistent about it.

My husband has two brothers. The two of them have Leukemia, which has been managed for some years now.
Up to now, they've both lead active lives despite the Leukemia. Recently, the oldest brother was in Israel vacationing. The younger brother lives in Asia, and over a month ago he walked himself into a hospital because he wasn't feeling well. Younger brother was hospitalized with an infection in the lungs.

My husband's relationship w/the youngest brother is very, very contentious, even though they don't live in the same country. The older brother's relationship w/youngest isn't that great either. So last few weeks, my husband has been communicating a lot w/the eldest bro concerning their youngest brother's health issues. It's been rather difficult to get exact information, when either of them have called the hospital in Asia, especially because of the language issues.

So, of course this scenario brought up that their brother in Asia isn't covered by any medical insurance.
My husband did finally speak to the bro in Asia, (minimally) because he's rather weak right now, and was told no one would insure him, because he has the pre-existent condition, the Leukemia. He owns two different properties in Asia, also 2 others in two other countries. But apparently, not enough of a bank acct., so as to pay for all the medical treatments, which are over a mos., worth now. So my husband and older bro decided to send some $$ over there. The brother in Asia has a personal friend from that country, who paid w/his own credit card for part of the hospital bill we were told in full, totalling over 20,000 already. So the two brothers wanted to forward some of the money to this friend, but something needs to be done so that their other bro has something in place. YIKES!!

The oldest brother went to Asia, to see what he could do to help youngest set something up, because he's going to need some recuperation time, and can't take care of himself. Well when my husband called Asia, to see if his older brother had arrived and see what their brothers condition looked liked.......now the oldest brother had to be hospitalized. He caught an infection at the hospital. Well poor thing, his immune is compromised because of the Leukemia.
Yikes!! Well, I'm just being as supportive as I can be to my husband.
My new mantra......"One day at a time." That's my story for now, & is why I hadn't been here.

O.K., I hope everyone is doing as best as they can under challenging circs.!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

((((upset)))) thinking of you today. You have made great arrangements for your bro. Hope it all goes well and peacefully today. I am glad you have some good family support. The farm sounds idyllic. Bro and the string bikini made me laugh!

Linda - I know you know the narc parent scene well. Hind sight!!!. Regrets, yes!

sharyn - wonder how your sis will manage when her needs increase. That lava fire is causing problems.

Oh stacey! - I am glad fil is happy to be home and you have all the support lined up. Do get some rest - you and dh, It is a very stressful time. Thanks for keeping us updated.

daughterlu - happy for you there has been some family healing

sojac - what a mess. Why is mum going along with bro re e.g. life insurance policies? Unfortunately, when mum decides to go along with bro there is not much anyone can do.

rainey - I hate to look down the road for you and your hub when mum needs more care. You can spend down and also set up a Miller Trust to get her qualified for medicaid. Not all facilities are h*ll holes. Re having children - I had an sil who chose not to have children. She was bipolar and there was other mental illness in the family. Eventually, she committed suicide.

margeaux - good to see you posting, How are things with you?

A few have asked how I am. Fine thanks, just overwhelmed at times when R is here. He can still work a 14 hour day and not show it. When he is working outside on fence or garden, (weeding is done, I have one new gate and another in progress, etc .) I have peace in the house, interrupted only by trips to hardware stores, meals, and supplying mugs of tea. When he is inside working on his computer, he needs my help , or wants my feedback frequently, as well as the meals and mugs of tea. I am used to having the house to myself, very peaceful, no interruptions, no company. So I get distracted and tired when he is here. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Don't get me wrong. I love having him here; however, it is an adjustment. He has gone off for now. I am catching my breath, and we will figure out the next move when he has all his appointments lined up. We are still hoping to fit in that trip to the mountains.
Take care all - do something good for you today.

I just woke up with an odd question in my head. I wonder what percentage of children that grew up in a dysfunctional family (like me) decided against having children because they did not want to risk anymore dysfunction? Also, how many of those that decided against having kids, were then expected to be the parents caregiver because they did not have the extra obligation? Just curious.

Stacey,

Really sorry to hear about the turn your FIL's health has taken.
Well it appears you and your husband have made your decision to have him come home.
I was trying to catch up on what has been going on here, and am aware that this obviously hasn't been an easy decision for the two of you, given the fact he'd recently been placed in the NH, or was it an AL?
In any case, I'm thinking about you as you embark on this part of his care.

Take care,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Upset,

I'm so sorry to hear of your brother's passing.
I've been reading that you've been on your way to WV, so hope you have arrived safely.
Do take care of yourself during the next few days, as you tend to the funeral and dealing with family.
Does sound as if you do have some good support with old friends.

I'll be thinking about you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Upset,
Sounds like everything is going alright under the circumstances and your organizational skills are amazing! I am amused about the "tons of food" but what a great and thoughtful thing you did with everyones containers! Leave it to the guys to know the cheerleaders and the sports illustrated bikini issues, 😉. I remember being able to wear those way back in the days of youth when I was skinny as a rail. *Sighs* Wishing you the best tomorrow, sleep well tonight.

Stacey,
I gotta hand it to ya, you are a living saint!

Blackhole, hope all is well with you.

Sojac60,
Wow, sounds like a huge mess to me. Selfish brothers, I know all about it. That is pretty nervy making himself the beneficiary on all her policies, how did he manage to swing that?

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. So here goes. . . My brother is back in jail, after insuring that my Mother has put everything in his name. He put her as a signer on the family business account, so now I don't know what to do. She called the bank to make sure there was enough $ in the account to pay bills and they wouldn't tell her the balance. We had to wait to get the bank statement to find out.
It's so exasperating (?)
Now he's telling her he will be coming home in a few weeks. . . (probably not) and I'll have to pick up the pieces when he doesn't.
He made her pay for her own funeral and then make him the beneficiary of all her life insurances policys. I mean wth? The man doesn't think about anyone but himself, she wanted a walk-in shower and he told her it wasn't possible. Regardless she is getting an estimate next week (go Mom!) I'm started going up 2 to 3 times a week again and making sure all the bills get paid and she makes all her Dr's appts. I guess I'll keep doing whatever she wants me to do and just try to make the best of it.

Hi all, I'm just catching a moments breather, while hubby is in there with him, closing off the open space above the window box air conditioner he put in FIL'S room.

I'm beat, but do have to say that my FIL is cheerful, appreciative and happy he is home with us.  He drifts off alot, having vivid dreams, so when he comes to, he talks about them, so funny! He thought he was on a cruise ship,  "and the food is Great"! Lol!  I did get my dinner in, so that's good! 

There is so much Hospice stuff to read up on, and a lot of recording of all his meds, intake and output. Too much, so I'll tackle that more tomorrow. Today was for settling in, and getting our bearings. They delivered the EMERGENCY PACK of medication, and more coming tomorrow along with all the paper supplies. So much it's mind boggling!

I'll be a pro at making smoothies yet, but I'm finding that he only eats about 2 ounces at one sitting. He has no appetite, which is to be expected from here on out.

Thankfully, the nurse put in a catheter in, so that takes lot of work off of our daily routine, and he doesn't seem to mind it.

One interesting thing though, is that he still thinks he will be getting better and stronger, but I'm not about to pop his bubble. I'll be encouraging, plus I am encouraging him to feed himself, and hold his own water glass, as I guess the Nurses in hospital were having to do this for him. So far so good, he's getting the hang of it, so there may be some life yet in the old coot! LOL!

Ok, back to the sick Bay! Thank you all for the well wishes! And take care Everyone! We never really know what is around the next turn! Obviously!!! I'm staying as positive and calm as I can, trying not to complain,  as hubby is stressed out today. There is a big learning curve,  so getting hang of things! 😷🤒🤕

Stacey and Upset -- thinking of you. So much upheaval. Wishing you peace whenever and wherever you can find it.

It has been a long day. Did all the necessary stuff to get ready for tomorrow. More and more food. I bought a ton of disposable bowls and pans. Transferred food to those. Washed everyone's containers and put in bags with their names, so they can carry home after picnic. I know I've forgotten something. We have had so much company today. I went into town and left my brother by himself. When I got back there were 14 cars on the drive and in the yard. I could tell by the look on his face he had no clue who the people were or what to say. After they left he said the only one he recognized was a 3rd cousin who was an NFL cheerleader for 5 yrs. He said he had seen her picture in a Sports Illustrated issue that had string bikini photos of different cheerleaders. Other than that he was clueless. Hope everyone is doing okay. Hang in there Stacey - you're doing what's best for FIL.

Daughterlu,
How wonderful! Nice to hear someones family can turn around! Glad to hear things working out so nicely for a change and hope it continues. Me, I would never hold my breath for my family. Too much damage to be reversed I'm afraid, so I am very happy to hear it has happened for you 👍

A Dysfunctional Family change for the better. My brother and SIL visiting in our home town showed a real change of heart. They were formerly aligned with a rouge facility (Mother lived there approx 14 years) and a cousin. Mother suffered abuse and from negligence and suffered many injuries when she was forced out of Independent Living and into Personal Care, a real hellhole. I was drug thru the mud and my hours were limited and i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone there when my son intervened and got us moved out.  Mother and I are now in a lovely Senior Facility in a loving community being treated with courtesy and respect. On Bro and SIL's 1 st visit they were so nice, not like I have known from them since 1962. SIL said I was doing a nice job taking care of Mother. We went out for dinner together and had a good time. Mother walked into the restaurant with me just holding her hand. She is starting to walk again. We had her wheel chair with us, that was her choice. Bro and SIL told me that they spoke to cousin. He told them a story made up by the rogue facility to put me in a bad light. That is how it should be in the family. Brothers and sisters should go to each other not take the word of troublemakers. Thanks to AgingCare I made the right moves. I told my cousin he should have come to me and Mother because we are family instead of interfering behind our backs. It made no impression on him as he is still bringing up old moves by the facility to shut me out of Mother's life to get Bro and SIL shifted back to side with him. I left the door open for cousin to open up his eyes but he is still going around my Mother's best interests. Goodbye to him. Mother and I are grateful for my Bro and SIL's change of heart. Praise God. They are going to visit us again before they leave for home this weekend.  We are looking forward to their visit.  Praises to God that good can conquer evil. Amen

I am so glad I got the iris rhizomes planted early this morning. A lightening strike in Idaho falls lava flow blm is causing bad air quality.

Linda,
So right! Hindsight is 20/20. Husband and I were just lamenting about being trapped and watching our lives slip away while caring for Mom as she lives the life of Riley! She is not vicious like Upset's mom was, she is however very passive aggressive and I grew up with the Irish Catholic guilt! I have said many times "If only I had a crystal ball or a psychic to have told me what I was in for, I would not have gotten myself into this." She does want me to entertain her but I am way too busy with other chores and gardening to do so, nor do I want to. I have offered to take her to the Senior Center to socialize and do stuff to keep from boredom but she refuses. I feel zero guilt about that. She has chosen to isolate herself. I think I have sacrificed enough thank you very much!!!!
Stacey, How are things going?
Golden, hope everything is going alright for you.
Ali, hope all is still progressing with you!
Hello Sharyn, East, Guest, Glad and everyone else, hope all is well. Today is Mom's beauty and shopping day so I will check in later.

Organize is a stress reducer. Also keeps me from feeling hostile about a bad situation.