The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Linda, it is warranted, really it is. My sis wore out her welcome with me and with our mom gone, she is on her own. She of course has a neighbor man who willing volunteered to do her backyard maintenance. She pays him what she can. She no family to help her out anymore.

Stacey, prayers and hugs for you.

Upset, you are quite the organizer. I am glad you are surrounded by supportive family.

Golden, hoping all is well as you have been quiet.

glad, I hope you have more opportunities to put your feet up and take deep breathes.

Wishing all a relaxed day.

Too right Linda, and is exactly what we have experienced in the last 30 years with my husband's parents, and especially his Dad!

He's just arrived having been delivered from the hospital via Cabulance, so gotta go, pray for Strength, Mine, Lol!  Bye guys! ❤

Linda22, Bitterness, regret sadness I've been thru all of them and so have most the others on this thread. Vent away!

Upset, that's what happened in my family. As long as our dad was healthy and could drive them about, all was well. But as soon as Dad was diagnosed with AD and couldn't drive, our mom handed it all over to my sister that very day. Everything Dad did (home, car, yard, paperwork) was handed off, as well as things like laundry and cleaning. And all the running around, as errands were a prime source of entertainment. We ended up doing a lot by default - she simply didn't do it, whether it was making doctor's appointments for Dad or getting someone to mow the lawn. It's been nearly 30 years of us doing all the doing and her calling the shots. Our pivotal point was after Dad was transferred to NH - we should have verbalized that moving in with us was not an option. We were in our 30's - never thought we'd were signing on to run this circus for life.   My chief regret in all this?  That I allowed her to use FOG and didn't do some things with my husband and family because "didn't want to make Ma feel bad that she couldn't go".  Now, it's too late to do some of these things, but we've given Ma a great quality of life.  Yes, sorry for the bitterness vented.

Linda22, what you wrote exactly on target. I got sucked in inch by inch by a narc Mom. At the group sessions I work with over and over "I didn't think it meant and give up my whole life" or "I got sucked in and I can't get out". I think your advice is spot on.

Linda, what you posted, has been my sister all her adult life, lol!! If not family, she would have friends do it with sis playing hostess providing food and liquor. Of course most of the food was brought by others, ha ha.

UpsetSister, I tell ya, you really are a mover and a shaker! I would love to have some of your organization skills rub off on me, but I have always done my best work, when faced with a deadline!

It's great that so many have come to offer food, and the picnic sounds like a perfect idea after the graveside service! Your family sounds like my own, it's all about the food comfort, when there's been a tragedy or death in the family. You be sure to take it easy and little too!

Hindsight being 20/20, if I could tell the children of narc parents (especially the daughters of narc mothers) something while they're in their 20's and 30's......it would be that as soon as life become a little more challenging for the parent, they will expect their family to take care of things. This means that when the parents is in their 60's and the effects of aging are more pronounced, the kids need to be ready to put up the boundaries and hold fast. Because once they get pulled in bit by bit, they'll have all responsibility (even if the parent is able but unwilling to do for herself) for the next 30 years. The parent will abdicate all responsibility for the dirty work, but will retain the say in what's done. Like being a teenager.

I have a young relative at this crossroad right now, with a 65 yo mom who refused rehab, home care etc. by telling the doctor that her daughters will take care of things. My fervent hope is that these daughters will see how their mother is handling this temporary illness, and approach it as the beginning of a "rest of your life" situation that needs to have the proper tone set right now.

Upset,
Sounds like things are going pretty smoothly. Big "Whoa" on family history of longevity! Makes one wonder about genetics and what things are passed along. My dad had depression and 3 out of 4 of us got it. Bad vision, 3 out of 4 again. My middle brother, seems to be the one who escaped these things somehow! He was also the only one born with dark brown hair! I asked Mom if she "fooled around with the milkman" or something 😉 because he is the black sheep when it comes to genetics! Mom say's he looks very much like her father. Genetics skipping a generation? Maybe!
That is why I am so paranoid about the dementia thing, once again, Mom's mother got it, she got it and one of her sisters now has it. Aunt Sis is the black sheep of the family. Still works as a Nurse in a SNF, she is in her 70's and sharp as a tack! Did have two bouts of breast cancer though. She never smoked either. It's a wait and see thing. My husbands parents are both diabetic, so is he.
Glad you are not having to deal with much of the coordinating of things, cousins are stepping up to help out! Hope your day goes well under the circumstances, the farmhouse sounds wonderful!
Gotta go wrap Mom's leg and it's hairdresser and food shopping day for her. *Hugs* Check in with you later!

Rainey, On my Dad's side of the family there were 9 grandchildren. Five boys, 4 girls. I'm the oldest and my brother the youngest. Four of the boys died of stroke or brain aneurysm. My brother who was 64 was the oldest of those deceased. The three others were 48, 38, and 36. My youngest brother fortunately lives a very healthy lifestyle. Maybe he'll break the record for longevity. My uncle holds the record at 80.

Been to the funeral home and florist. My niece met me there and was very helpful. Since then a steady stream of visitors. But we've sat out on the porch and under shade trees. Food keeps coming. I've changed after funeral plans to picnic here. I have to do something with all of this food. I've got plenty of tables, lawn chairs, coolers, etc. lined up. I forgot how many details there are. I hadn't planned on pallbearers, was going to let funeral home care of that. But, I've had so many people call, I'm letting one of my cousins organize.

Upset,
Glad you made it safely there. Thoughts will be with you today and hope all goes well. It sure is a wake up call to hear stories like Rose's husband dying at 48! It goes to show how fragile life is and you just never know what will happen. Puts things in perspective.
I think we are programmed to get caught up in life's daily stuff and when things like this happen "especially out of the blue" it's a shocker.

Made it to WV. I slept a little, but got anxious to see how things look. I made coffee and oatmeal. Opened refrigerator and couldn't believe the food. Kitchen table loaded down with baked goods. West Virginia people believe in eating and that grief increases the appetite and love equals food. It's no wonder WV has some of the heaviest most unhealthy people in the US. But they're also the nicest. My cousin Rose came up to see if we needed anything before she went to work. The funeral will be hard on her. Her husband, my first cousin died from a stroke last year at 48 and is buried right there, along with his parents. My younger brother is now the only male cousin of our generation living on my dad's side.

I have to go to the funeral home in a little bit to take care of things. My niece is going to meet us. She said she got all of his things together. We're not having a viewing. She says she has a nice picture of him from a month or so ago with his four grandchildren that she would like put on a easel before the service. She had it enlarged and framed. My aunt just pulled up in the yard with two of my cousins. I suspect my brother and I will have a long day of visitors. Everyone take care today.

Goodnight everyone, it's been quite a day for many. I wish you all a good sleep and hope tomorrow is better!
😴

Goodnight Stacey!

Godspeed to each and every one in your struggles this week.

To the unspoken needs, prayers for all!

Hi all, it's been a long and busy day to be sure! Hubby and I met with the Hospice Nurse and the Cancer Dr in my FIL'S hospital room at noon.

Everything was explained regarding the hospital type equipment being brought to our home tomorrow morning, the hospital bed, camode, oxygen, over the bed table, bath chair, and raised toilet seat. All the paper goods, med's and such.

The Dr was great at explaining FIL'S prognosis, and said his left lung mass has spread into his rib in the back, and that this is a fast growing type Cancer that often spreads to the brain and it will most likely be an infection of some kind, that will take his life, hmmm!

FIL says get has no real pain, so that's great for now! I tried feeding lunch to FIL, but he could only manage 5 bites, but he listened intently, and said he understood and agreed with everything presented, and seems relieved he is coming home.

My sister Cheryl stopped by, insistent on helping us get ready. My husband is the type of guy who is uncomfortable receiving help from others, but she and I went to the AL place, put in my FIL'S notice, and picked up many things he will need at our house, and the rest of his things will be moved out over the course of the next month. It was sad, as the Administrator was getting attached to him, saying he was one of her favorites! She's a real Sweetie, and even visited him in hospital!

Next we went and bought those XL twin sheets for his hospital bed, and a new fan as we are in the middle of a heat wave with temperatures up to 100 degrees this week!

Then off to grocery store to get lots of yummy foods he will hopefully enjoy, and things to make him nutritional smoothies. The nurse said he can eat Anything he wants, Lol! Wish my dream would tell Me that!

Tonight I am doing all his laundry, not much, but want everything clean and ready.
Hubby had the bedroom completely emptied and all clean, in ready for tomorrow's invasion! It will be a crazy couple of days, and then I feel we will get into a groove of caring for an invalid, as he is unable to even stand on his own now.

I can't remember if I mentioned that my FIL was flirting with one particular Nurse, and said some crazy things at the hospital. She told me he proposed marriage, and another time wanted to call his Dad on the phone, and also said he needed to stop the wedding! Not sure whose wedding, but I'm thinking it was the Sepsis talking. He does think he is some kind of Stud though, and always has, Lol!

Hubby outright said he wants meds to calm him down, so he isn't a continuous Nag! I almost choked on my cofee! So he basically wants him drugged up, and quiet. Get real, I told him! The Dr and Nurse took that comment in stride! I was mortified! Oh brother, what are we in for? He also told them that his dad is a Narcissist, hence the need for calming meds, Lol! Otherwise he is worried he will run us ragged.

We will see What tomorrow brings, but for now we are spent, and are headed for bed. Goodnight everyone!

Take care UpsetSisterand drive safe!!

Still rolling south and now west. Just crossed into Maryland. Five more hours. Headed into the mountains. Hope we don't run into fog. Our next stop will be at the WV Welcome Center for a bathroom break and somewhere before we have to get off the interstate. Jay says he doesn't remember the back roads. The last ten miles are a dirt road, hilly and winding. I've lived away from West Virginia for years, but I always get anxious to get home. I love the hills, creeks and hollows. Other than for our parents funerals Jay never goes back. I always did to see my dad's brother and the farm. I'm also anxious to see my old friends and my aunt's and some cousins.

Upset,
Glad to here you have your diabetes under control! Diet is everything. Happy to hear things sound like they will be "drama free" during this time. The farmhouse sounds wonderful! I could just imagine it, I love peace and quiet and being surrounded by nature, sounds like a good spot for you right now.

Rainey, Thanks. My brother and I have talked to both sides of the family. We've made it clear that regardless of what John and his family have done, to Dad, Mom or us we do not want anything bad said about John on Friday. My brother talked to my nephew and told him no money, no decisiveness and to be quiet. I'm not worried about my niece. She desperately wants to get her husband and little girls back so she will walk the straight and narrow in front of her in-laws. Plus I think there's something between her and her mother/brother. I just want to get to WV and rest tomorrow. Enjoy the old farmhouse, peace and quiet. My brother has not been there since 1982 when my grandpa died. I've always gone back. I sold my uncle's newer house and 650 acres last year after he passed. But I couldn't part with the old house and barn, plus 26 acres.

Sounds like you do a good job keeping your Mom's lymphedema under control. I did diabetic meds for six months, but now diet only control.

Rolling on down the road.

Upset,
You will be in the fore front of my mind in these coming days. I will pray all goes as smoothly as possible. 🙏🏻

Lots of interesting things you brought up, my husband and I have already discussed moving out of the state after Mom passes for a more reasonable place to retire. It's just too ridiculous here. Forgive me if I already told you this but less than a year ago, I was caregiving for an elderly gent down the street from where I live at an average looking facility. The care I witnessed was decent, nothing to raise my eyebrows and the cost was about 5 to 6 K a month. I thought, if Mom ever really needed to be in a facility, 24/7 care, that was doable. Now, they have raised their rates to a shared room starting at 7,500.00! Not doable anymore! And it's across the board. The cost of living, with everything from energy, water, food, housing, taxes, all off the charts now. We cannot justify the cost to stay here, lovely as this climate is, the area is, it just isn't within financial reason. We will cross that bridge when the time comes. Hopefully the real estate market here will still be going strong by then. This is our retirement essentially. That is why we are working hard fixing things the prior people ignored for a long time. If I could get away with it, I would move Mom out of state with us but my brothers would flip so gotta wait.

My husband is a diabetic, he managed to go from redlining it to in the 90 to 120's just by changing his diet. He refused the meds and when he went back for his tests, they were shocked. He reset his system by going hardcore on a strict diet for a few months, then he started adding some things back in a small amount that he missed and as long as he doesn't go overboard, his blood sugar does not spike.
Lymhedema,
That is another constant battle. I have developed a good system that keeps her leg in good shape, I almost have it down to normal when I remove the ace bandage compression wraps. Then she gets a 5 day break in the velcro wraps, by day 5, she starts slowly blowing up so I wrap her back in the bandages and bring it down again. If you saw the pictures of the before and now, you wouldn't believe it. I also caught melanoma on her bicept, took her to the derm, had it biopsied, it was melanoma but caught it so early, they said less than 5% chance of it coming back. She goes to her yearly check up this coming Monday.
Back to you, I can only imagine everything going through your head now, such an unpleasant situation, as I hope all will go as smoothly as possible without any issues. Hard to know what else to say about this other than I am sorry you are going through all this now.

Ali, I accidentally reported your comment to upset twice, lol!! I'm not seeing straight.

Upset, I am sorry your brother has passed away. Such a sad situation with his dysfunctional family. I do hope the service is uneventful re drama. Safe travels.

What a bunch of messes among these dysfunctional families! My turn for the most part is over, still have to get through the estate stuff. I have decided I am not going to bill for the one year or my attorney's fees. I will be ok, but just not worth it at all. It would turn into a long legal battle again, and I do not have the energy to endure any more of that.

Stacey, so sorry about FIL. I admire your courage to bring him home, but I would not do it. What about sending him to the hospice facility for a few days while you ready your home for his return. At least you had a bit of respite, but your hubby, not so much. You are TOO dedicated and TOO much FOG!

Upset, perhaps the end of a chapter? Though I wouldn't be counting on it knowing my dysfunctional family. The letters for wife and daughters will be interesting. I don't imagine you will be able to see them, but then again, maybe you will and you and goodbro will be blamed, no doubt.

Golden, you have been a staple for so long, and remember everyone all the time, so of course you are missed when you have gone missing for a few days.

Ali, up and out. It is coming wish you the best.

I know there is more for some of you, but I do not have Golden's skill at remembering everyone and everything. ;)

Rainey , Riding down the road and trying to figure out my brother and his family and money. No explanations. Money is at the root of a lot of problems for many,many individuals and families. I'm trying as I can afford to make my house as senior ready as possible. I've been single and playing catch up for years. One good reason for living in Maine is they have some good senior services. I can go for free diabetic foot care twice a month. They check my feet, cut my toenails and it's on a donation basis. They also have a visiting nurses' association that will come up up to three times a week. Transportation, daily meal delivery (2 meals per day delivered before noon), in home hospice, etc. The state will really work with families to keep one out of nursing home until absolutely necessary.

Taking care of lymphedema is difficult. I have a friend who has it and she struggles daily. She is in her mid 50's and was diagnosed in her 40's - both legs and one arm. Her sister takes care of her. It's a tough job.

Riding down the road. Just crossed into PA - I always say it's the never ending state. Takes forever to cross PA. Nine more hours to home - we'll get there about 4 am. My cousin went in the house and made up the beds. Opened the doors and windows to air out. Brought in a few groceries. So we'll get by.

Love and good paths to all.

Ali,
Your right. We are in that icky spot, Mom has too much money for assistance, but not enough to pay for professional LTC. So yes, it is the reality that hits you in the face somedays that your stuck. Money keeps going out and not enough coming back in. Today was one of those days for him and another reminder to me that we are frustrated. Jeez, the phone call with older brother, oh I get it! If Mom died tomorrow, my brothers would get a nice chunk, had she gone into a facility like they thought she should, she would be close to broke now. That would be thanks to me for saving her money. I am sure I would get the same treatment you got.
Golden,
Wish it was possible but we are trapped in it now. Who knows how long Mom will live? She would be broke so fast and then be turned over to some awful State Facility. My husband who is great with numbers and all of that admitted today we are stuck in the mire now, and we need to see it through as much as this depresses us, we just have to weather the storm. Not so simple to just walk away right now. I think he is feeling resentful too because it isn't his Mom, it's mine that has clipped our wings because I agreed to take care of her per her wishes. I just hope she doesn't live well into her 90's because I won't be able to last that long! She has other health issues that need constant attention and professional care to which would be a considerable added expense if I had not been trained by a professional on how to care for it. So, a facility starting at a base of 7,500 a month (good ol California) plus a lymphedema specialist for her leg, she would be broke in no time. The one thing we have as a fail safe is her cottage. Worse comes to worse, we rent that out and put her in the main house with us to supplement income. Oh I don't even want to imagine that because having her 10 steps away is the one thing that has kept our marriage intact. We have our private space. She lived with us in the main house when we first moved here because the cottage needed to be fixed up for her. My husband nearly lost it after a couple months! That is why we made sure to find a property with a seperate inlaw, we knew that was the only way we could handle it. But, if there is no choice, we do have that option. So sad money is always the root of all problems.

East, Thought of you earlier when stuck in I-495 loop traffic. Now we're stuck on I-95 south of Hartford.

My SIL called me. Yikes! Never a good omen. She wanted to know if I had any details on funeral yet. I told her Friday at 1:00 graveside service. Brief per John's instructions. And that we were having a small reception afterwards at my cousin's farm that is close by. They have a huge covered patio and a large gazebo. She said she and her son would not be attending the reception because she did not like ANY of John's family. I said we all had been aware of that for years but that if she and Jeff, her son wanted to attend they were more than welcome. I later found out that Jeff's ex-wife is bringing their two sons for their grandfather's funeral. My niece's mother and father-in-law and her estranged husband are bringing their two little girls as well. I think it will be a large crowd. Two of my girlfriends from high school are helping with the reception. My brother called the bank and my brothers former company to inform them of his death. His wife's name was on nothing. The company said his retiree life ins policy had younger bro and I as co-beneficiaries. I have to wonder why he couldn't tell us what was up with he and his wife and his son. I talked to niece again and she was very cryptic about her mother and brother. Apparently, they had dysfunction among themselves. My niece seemed genuinely sad about her father. She said she felt guilty but she is excited to see her two little girls. I told her that was nothing to feel guilty about. She only sees them every 6 weeks. Younger bro says we're taking a ride straight into dysfunction junction. I hope everyone behaves. I told my aunt to pass the word that I wanted no discussion about anything John did at anytime. The minister is John's age and our mother's were best friends. He did Mom's service. I found it curious that John's instructions that in lieu of flowers that Donations be made to a mental health center for teens. Who knows?

To Upset, so sorry about your Brother's passing. Funerals are never easy, but it seems that these days - it might be the only time we see our Relatives. What I don't like - at all - is when people never bother with the person when they were alive, but they show up for their Funeral - not nice ! I have not heard from my Mother or Brother for the last 3 days, but I am saying bye for now, we have a bad storm coming thru, I will be back later.

Upset,
I must have been in fog this morning, did not see the post where you said he had actually passed. Funny you mentioned his name, it is the same as my brothers. I know you will be going through a whole range of emotions and I just wish you the best as possible under the circumstances. I hope their is no needless drama and you are allowed to process this in your own way and time. My thoughts are with you. *Hugs*

Upset, I'm so sorry about your bro's death. I hope the trip and the services, and the family visit, go as well as can be expected... which isn't very good in this case, I guess. Even though he was badbro, or maybe Because he's badbro, I think it would be tough to say final good byes. Wishing you peace about all of it.

Golden, I'm looking forward to a time where "insurance" or "rehab" isn't a word you need to use to describe your life. ;-) Got a pedicure today, whoo! I thought of your neat colors but still went with the classic red with glitter on top. This is the 3rd pedicure this season/year. I definitely think it's a sign that I'm doing a lot better and I'm interested in my luxury self care again. I just wasn't doing any of that for a long time.

Rainey, feeling trapped because of the financial situation is so hard. There's a stinky spot that many middle class elders fall into in U.S. -- too much money for Medicaid and not enough for paid care. There's a whole generation of people, mostly women, that are caregiving to Loved Ones. You know this, of course, but it's weird to think about how widespread this issue is. While families are picking up the slack, the government won't do anything and I'm not even sure that they should... but it's a familiar place for many of us to be caregiving because there was no plan for extended years of aging, decline, limited ability.

...

My older bro called me a little bit ago to ask about when house was going to be sold and I used the semi-rare opportunity of the phone call to run down all the things rattling in my head. Does his oldest want any furniture for new college room, like SIL had said? Nope. Can they take the small heirloom china hutch and its contents instead of putting it into storage? Nope. Does he want anything else from here, last call? Nope. Can he come up and help me do a little more work (paint) on the place because Trust won't spring for even the most basic of "freshening up" to the place? Nope.

Ok. Then I talked about our dad's resources, how what's left in the Trust will be an "emergency fund" for now. I volunteered the info that the disbursement upon my father's death is $5k to each of the 9 grandchildren, and then I joked that if he ever got that amount he could thank me for spending 6 years of my life to save it for him. He said, not jokingly, being a jerk because olderbro, lol... "Oh. Thanks. Is there anything else I need to say or do or is that it?" He was insinuating that I was being needy by joking about the "you can thank me for the $5k." Whatever. :-D It's silliness. It's just how he is. If he ever had a moment of sincerely thanking me or praising me for my caregiving, I wouldn't know what to do... so he saves me from that uncertainty by always being true to his nature, haha.  Bro (and other family) still acts like I benefitted somehow from all this. After all, I had a free roof over my head. -- said with the biggest eyeroll in the history of eye rolls

Just glad to be up and getting a few things done, the new place is a done deal, the lease, the deposit, and I have my interview tomorrow. I'm researching a little bit more tonight for it. I get my hair done after the interview tomorrow -- highlights to see if I can blend all the new gray into my natural dark blonde color -- at the Paul Mitchell hair school up in the city. Only $20. Woot!

Stacey, if hospice is the plan and they are helping, you'll get through it, of course you will.  I made the decision time and again to continue to help my dad through "the next crisis" because, at the end of the day, it's what I could live with.  Bodies aren't made with countdown timers, though. Well... you know that. You have a huge heart, as does every caregiver I know on here. 

(((((((upset}}}}}} I am sorry about your bro and all the related stress. I think you did the right thing re the cemetery plots and it is good there was one nearby for him. Bless you and good bro for taking care of all of this. So much on top of losing your mum not long ago. Be sure to look after you.

stacey, honey - so much for you too, all at once. I respect your decision to bring fil home for the short time he has left. Is it what he wants? I know you have a lot of family support and help. That will make a big difference. You look after you too!!!

rainey - the bad memories come flooding back at times. If you can arrange for other care for your mum, it could be what is best. I hear you about a day that starts with too much to handle. Sometimes we have to step aside and take a breather.

ali - your plans are coming together. So, so glad that you are feeling better from the changes you've made.

glad - sounds like you are tackling a big gardening job

trying  ((((((hugs))))

guest - hope things are working on the fil/mil front

We have had a busy morning on the computer. I am the computer expert in the house and R is using an Apple which which neither of us is familiar, so I am on a steep learning curve and get SOS calls every few minutes it seems. So I am popping up and down between my computer and his. The corrected insurance claim has been sent it with notes and explanations. We do not accept some of their changes and omissions. R has to go south for business and we have been discussing if I will go too, as I have business there next week, but blending our plans is not easy for one or another reason. We may manage to make that trip to the mountains if I do go. So if I am absent a bit again that will be why. I am used to a very quiet house and doing my own thing my way, and he is used to being very busy and doing his thing his way, so it requires some adjustment for both of us and that's OK.

The ALF has checked mother's hearing aids and adjusted them and I got a call about permission to buy a little extra equipment for her including a spoon that she can hold better. I gave them the go ahead. I guess mother is on their radar now which is good.

Hi to everyone. Let us know how you are. Life can throw curve balls at us anytime, so take care of you!