The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Stacy, I am so sorry about your FIL. You do have your hands full over the next few days to get ready for him to return to your home. My aunt had hospice at home and then went to their facility for the last 10 days. Please take good care of your self. My good thoughts and prayers will be with you over the coming days and weeks.

Upset,
Just read your recent updates, Wow! You have a lot on your plate right now, glad you don't have to get in the middle of all this but please tell me he does not get the plots you just bought!

OMG UpsetSister, how very sad! I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, as dificult as he was, I'm sure it has come as a shock!

So many of us facing such life altering stuff! You take care, and drive safely! I'll be praying for you and your family, that things don't turn into a hullabaloo! I'm hoping for the same here too! Take Care Sweetie!

Ali,
I am really proud of you! Sounds like you are making a lot of headway and have a good plan of attack, nice to hear your confidence coming through, I knew you could do it!
I just woke up a bit ago, husband already stressing about finances, the house is the never ending money pit, unforseen repairs, projects yet to be completed, poor guy, and here I am stuck at home caring for Mom charging her the bare minimum to make everything work because she is not wealthy, ugggghhhhhh. Not a pleasant way to start the day.
Upset, I can't believe your Mom was completely of sound mind when she accused you of these things! It just really sounds like dementia paranoia behavior, that just makes it so much worse if she had all her mental faculties and did that! So sorry. 😥 You really have been through it and I greatly admire your ability to stand it. I don't know if the same could be said about me. If I imagine the things you have been through, as an adult, with bro and Mom, I would have given them "the bird" and walked off. But then again, after my reflection of my family last night, not surprising. None of us were "tightly bonded" anyway, betrayal runs deep, easy for me to walk away if the treatment was that bad as an adult. I have less patience for BS these days. Heck, I have even been thinking of ways if I needed to really get out of this situation, how I would do it. I think my husband has more of a feeling of dedication sometimes than I do towards Mom. I know that sounds awful but since I have done as she asked, made huge sacrifices, I have been so stressed, no freedom, no money, no insurance, losing my SS benefits by not being able to work anymore, stressing husband about finances, and my badbro haunting me to no end just makes me want to throw in the towel at times. I guess I am just tired. Tired of living in a stressful situation. My husband assures me I could not live with myself and the guilt of the aftermath if I did walk away, he may be right, but sometimes in the moment, I am not so sure. I just want to quit being stressed out, but financially, even if we sold this house, Mom could not afford being in a facility for very long, or getting a caregiver other than myself for 30 an hour. She would go broke quickly, so in essence, I am trapped.
Sorry, bad morning. Waking up to a stressed out husband because of finances is not a great way to start off! 😣

Kriminy, it's 5:44AM, and I still haven't slept a wink! My body is exhausted, but my heart is pounding, I just can't turn my mind off, it's been such a Hellish Day!

So, you all know that a golf ball sized mass is growing in FIL'S Left lung, and his brand new Cancer Dr was going to biopsy it, but yesterday, FIL had fluid building up on the right, the side with the Pneumonia, (but now I'm also hearing he has bunches of inflamed Lymph nodes all throughout Both lungs), I hear more bad news every day! So yesterday they did a lung tap, which is both pressure releasing, and diagnostic, as they can do pathology on the fluids. And it caused a partial collapse of that lung, or pneumothorax.

So Today, the Cancer Dr told my husband that he is canceling his biopsy of the mass, and has recommended Hospice. He feels he is to weak and fragile to go through this risky procedure, now or ever, he told my hubby he didn't feel his Dad had much time left, AS In Weeks, Maybe, and what did we wish to do regarding Hospice care, in a facility or at home? Holy Crap!

Hubby told him he would have to speak with me, but hubby and I have already discussed this possibility, and have decided to bring him home, and do Hospice here, I know that together, we are strong enough to do this, we will have help, we can hire help if we need to, but in our hearts of hearts, we cannot let him live out his days in a Nursing home, it is truly looking to be "less than six months" per Hospice protocol, and more likely much shorter than that, per the Dr. We know we can do it with an end in sight.

It's terrible, as it all sounds so morbid, putting time lines on someone's life!

And then the phone call started! Whoa! The Hospital SW, lovely, but intense! Then the Cancer Dr's SW, who manages the Hospice folks, and then I spoke with the Hospice head RN who works for an outstanding company, who also did the Hospice for our Mom, so long ago. So I spoke with all 3, in rapid succession, one right after the other, I was on the phone nearly 3 straight hours, and they are all confident that we can manage this here in our home. They also have a beautiful Hospice facility, where he can go, if there are any family hardships, if his pain becomes unmanageable, or if we need to take a respite, he can stay there for a few days, and also at the very end, when he is actively dying, this can be done there too!

So I was fishing for answers  about WHEN this is to all take place, And she said maybe Tomorrow, AS in TODAY, as I haven't slept, or possibly they can prolong his stay a day or 2, but I did flat out tell them, We could not be ready for at least 2 full days, preferably longer!

We've so much to do, and house to tidy, shopping for groceries,  so many things to retrieve from his AL apartment, and then of course Hospice needs to completely set up his room here in our home, that is still yet to be cleared of some of the junky junk, tht FIL left behind, but that is easily sorted, as off to the dump it goes, as in STAT, BYE-BYE!

{{{Oops I fell Sleep mid sentence! It's now 9:30am on Wednesday! Lol!}}}

Hubby is off to the hospital, and my daughter is on her way with Starbucks Coffee, as I feel horrible (little sleep), scared, shaky and nervous on what this day will bring. Reality of the situation is now sinking in!

We are meeting the Hospice Nurse at the hospital at 12:30pm today, to tell FIL, that we are bringing him home to die. How does one do this I ask, it's all so overwhelming! Dear God, I am praying for strength right now!

Thank you Everyone for your concern and advice, but we will get through this! I'm guessing as a Narcissist, he will relish in the idea that it will be all about him. What a terrible thought! I'll probably be off line for the next couple of days, So much to do! I Love You All!

Upset, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I read the insurance policy. It is completely paid up. Only exclusions are war, airplane crash or suicide in the first three years. I talked briefly to my niece and told her that we were making the arrangements per John's instructions except for the plot. I told her he would be in a single plot in the row behind our parents. She said she knew he didn't want to be buried with her mother. She was fairly calm. She asked if the minister was going to say anything bad about him and I said no that he was an old family friend and it would be very simple. I told her John had written his own obituary, etc. She said fine and thank you. I told her where we would be staying and that we would let her know the final arrangements. At that that point she said "you know Dad hated Mom for everything she told him to do" and hung up.

That was really sad, that he felt he had to do what that witch said. He certainly wasn't perfect and he should have said no.

Upset, I'm so sorry that your badbro passed away. It's a shock, but at least he didn't linger in a bad state. I'm planning on cremation since it's such a huge cost to bury and I don't want to burden son or husband with that. My mother has a niche by my brother that she buried after a drug overdose. The cousin that wouldn't bring his mother (my aunt, mother's sister that lived with her) to live with him alive has her in this fancy urn on a special table in his house and has moved with them twice. I joke with my bro and sis that aunt finally got to stay in his home despite his wife! Glad there is a plot behind your father. Wishing you calm within the s*t storm that is your badbro family.

Younger brother was made beneficiary and Executor in February. He showed me the will and the insurance policy. There are also three sealed letters for his wife and two children. He also left complete instructions for a very brief graveside service and where he wanted to be buried - next to my dad. No my younger brother doesn't want the plot. He wants me and himself to be buried next to Dad. My cousin and her husband want the two plots I own. So it's settled. Younger brother called cemetery association. There is a single plot in the row behind our parents. My brothers instructions say specifically that he does not to be buried with his wife  at any cemetery. Younger brother says he thinks maybe badbro would like to have been able to divorce her but felt he couldn't. All of this dysfunction has made me think about my own final plans. I think I may want to be cremated and tossed to the wind someplace nice.

My brother just got the call that John died. I feel sad, but at least he can't cause anymore chaos. Of course, there are still his wife and kids. I guess we'll leave to drive down in a couple of hours. Should get there early morning hours tomorrow. Glad I just had my summer "funeral dress" dry cleaned.

Um, upset - so is younger bro wanting one of the plots that you just paid for? Please don't give it to him based on what you talked about. Your younger bro might want to read life insurance policy again - a friend's father had a bunch of life insurance but it was all accidental/term and when he died of heart attack, son was not able to collect a DIME from father's insurance. It was a real cluster as all father's deadbeat relatives (funny from WV also) contacted friend looking for "their inheritance promised by his dad". Father was cremated (we lent friend money for this as father had NOTHING) and interred in Veterans cemetery. As badbro executor, I'd recommend a good lawyer for youngerbro as badbro family will be shaking Y'ALL's money tree. *shaking my head*.

That's interesting, Upset. But at least there is some money for the burial and his family. When was this that goodbro was made beneficiary/executor? Your badbro moved out of the duplex only... 3-6 months ago... right? So this was recent that goodbro was made beneficiary?

Younger brother got a call from my niece. Badbro isn't expected to live thru the day. Sad. She then asked my brother to start making preliminary funeral plans for him to be buried in Fairplain. He told her that was her mother's responsibility.

Just now she called back and said that my brother and I would have to take care of everything because we had all the money for his funeral. At this my younger brother tells me for the first time that to get them moved out and to keep them out of jail for fraud and theft and in return for all the money they stole - Badbro made him beneficiary of a fairly large life insurance policy and made out a new will under WV law and made him Executor. I'm kind of aggravated he didn't tell me, but he says he did it to get some peace for Mom and he didn't anticipate Badbro getting sick. I'm simply glad I'm not expected to do anything.

I take it that's the infamous Midget in your avatar pic, Sharyn? Too cute!

You know... it's worth a mention that I was feeling So Run Down for 6 weeks or so after late May, the Memorial Day holiday weekend here in U.S. I don't know what it was. Some on here mentioned a bronchitis bug that lasts forever and that may have been part of it. I still have this deep, throaty cough at times, with a little bit of phlegm in my lungs (just a little). I started avoiding the AC in the house, and I discontinued the SSRI, and cleaned up my diet more... and *poof* I'm feeling so much better! So whatever it was, may it die in a fire and never return. :-)

Hm, Upset, the discord that badbro has caused runs that deep, eh? If it does, then it does. If you need peace about the cemetery plots and this is your way to get it... He had his chance. It wasn't important to him to make his final arrangements to be close to family. I'm sorry for you, dear. This is a lot of hits that Life is winging your way. And Golden's correct, of course, that any stress bro endured in past month or so is due to his actions and the end of the financial support from your mom. Still... this would be where my sympathy will run sideways across my better judgment, and I'd be tempted to reach out. You've had your hand bitten enough, and hard enough, that you don't extend it anymore. I get it. I still, personally, feel strangely guilty about "abandoning" family (which obviously I don't abandon them, I'm still trying to play the role they want). They groomed me well, what can I say.

Stacey, take care of yourself girl. Whatever will be, will be with FIL. Get some support from others as best you can. You deserve it and you'd do it for them. I was laughing about what you said about Golden's presence/absence on the thread. I can be gone for a week and it's nothing, but if Golden's absent for a day or two... lol... Silly us. We just miss ya when you're not here, Golden! lol

Shayrn, good to see that you're getting settled in the new place... slowly. Seems likes the move is really agreeing with you.

Hi, Rainey! Hi, Duck! Hi, East Eagle! Hi, Barb! Hi, Guest! Hi, Glad!  

Thanks for the good wishes for the new place, everyone. It's just a year lease.  I just want to get out of this house, wrap up this situation with the house, go from there.  If in a year, I find that Chicago doesn't provide the level of employment that I think it can, I can and would move somewhere else.  

Now that I have a place to move to, and a Timeline, time to get cracking on employment stuff. I made some contacts today. I just... feels a little like throwing fishing lines in the water and not knowing if I even have the right bait on the hook. :-/ I'll just keep at it.

I'm halfway done with my receipts expense report for the past 6 years. Most of it is from when I arrived in July 2011 until around 2013-14. I'm compiling a report for the Trust and I'm submitting it for reimbursement. I'm owed the money. Whether or not they'll give it to me, we shall see. It is a "discretionary trust," but the thing is, had they been doing their job and providing a clean, livable space with proper food, etc., for my grandmother, then I wouldn't have had clean up this place and do all the things I did. And back then, they wouldn't talk to me. The Trust Officer actually called local police to see if he couldn't simply report me as a drug user and get me tossed out of the house. What a weird time, what a weird situation. I WISH I was on Aging Care from the beginning. I could've used some input about the things that happened in the early days when I first came here. But, anyway, I'm turning in those receipts that I made copies of and saved these past years, waiting for this time to come.

I don't know if I'm giving myself too many or too few "atta girls" for handling this situation, with its multiple pitfalls and bad surprises over the years, without completely losing my mind lol. I'm just glad my dad is doing good, is in a good spot, and I know I have everything to do with that. Going over the receipts has brought back memories. I've changed in the past 6 years, of course I have. These situations will change someone. I like to think I've changed for the better. ;-)

Happy Wednesday, all!

DDDuck, don't be gone too long.

Upset, I do not think you are spiteful. Your brothers family has to learn to be self sufficient some day.

My mom accused me of things too. Before she developed Alzheimer's she accused me of breaking the lid to the toilet tank. She actually told my sister I lifted the lid, waving it over my head like a lasso and throwing it!! Lol!! Those lids are heavy, can you imagine doing that!!! I never helped my mom again with a simple repair after that accusation.

Rainey, At least your mother has an excuse, your mother has dementia. At the point my mom made the accusation her mind was perfectly clear. As she aged, she accused me of anything and everything, including eating her non-existent donut. No one had been to a bakery in weeks.

Upset, I think you did the right thing.

signing off for a while, rays of light peace and love to all.

Upset,
Just read about the "ring experience" oh jeez. I can totally see that happening. One of the ladies I cared for when I was working as a caregiver thought I took her jewelry. I reported to my agency right away. She had about a 20 second memory span. Husband told me to just ignore her. But it never feels good being accused of stuff like that, especially from your own Mom! I haven't had that one happen yet but will not be surprised when it does. She has accused me of not doing things or denying she did things. I just won't be too surprised when it does happen, paranoia is not unusual with dementia. Gotta go run over now and take her compression off and put on the comfy compression sleeve for a more comfortable sleep.

Upset,
I do not think that is spiteful, sounds reasonable to me. None of us ever made any sort of plans so something I never thought about. Given the circumstances, you did the right thing. Let his family figure it out! Mom said she wanted to be cremated and has asked me to combine my favorite brother and her ashes and scatter them wherever I feel is appropriate. I wonder if I will get h*ll for that too.
What happened to cause his condition if you don't mind my asking?
I have had a lot of reflection on my family as a whole tonight, a lot of memories came flooding in. I think I gained some clarity on a few key things. My god, I could write a novel. Just too much stuff. Maybe someday I will, it might be a cathartic experience just to get it all down in context.

Upsetsister, I think that you were moved to be adamant about this for a reason. It does not sound like a crazy, twisted, spiteful thing I see enough to recognize it. It seems you were moved to honor your loved ones.I think When someone, with a heart like yours and who has been though what you have, is deeply moved like that, I think it comes from a place bigger than you or I. It those of us who try and do good and right that look at ourselves and wonder if it was wrong. I don't think you would care if your actions were base on being ugly. It seems you were acting out of honor.

PBond, Welcome to the thread. I can't imagine the work of caring for an older person, as well as 2 children. I'm sure it's a balancing act. Be sure to remember to take care of yourself. Anger is natural, especially when siblings don't step up to help. You can safely vent here. Most of us have been there at one time or another. I'm happy for you that today was a good day. Enjoy the good days.

Rainey, Be thankful it wasn't a piece of jewelry. My mom misplaced a ring. She spent three days accusing me of taking her ring. She told both of my brothers I took the ring. She talked it nonstop. Constantly, having me look for the ring. She and my brother demanded that I let them go thru my jewelry box. This was on Tuesday. On Friday I was doing the weekly cleaning. I heard something metal go up in the vacuum cleaner. I took the bag out of vacuum and dumped everything out and there was the ring. She now has her ring back and she proceeded to fuss at me about wasting a vacuum bag. This was early on. It got worse. I hope things have improved.

Thank you Cmag for remembering the forgotten. I got this job because I happen to be closest in proximity. After caring for my father for two years of head and neck cancer, my siblings have decided they were no longer needed in the same state. I am caring for my 7 year old and 12 year old and quiet frankly, I am angry. I am working on letting the anger go so I can appreciate the relationship I have for my mother and help her move through this last stage of life with empathy and caring. Some days are either than others.
Today is a good day.

It's not in my nature to do spiteful things. But I did this evening. In a way I feel relieved I did it. In another way maybe I was wrong. My brother being so ill got my other brother and I talking about the cemetery where our parents are buried. It's very old, very crowded. Just random plots available and expensive. My great aunt and uncle left me two spaces - they had no children and left them to me when they died in the early 70's. There are also two spaces beside my dad. I know my badbro expects to be buried there, but he never paid for the spaces. I called the guy who is chairman of the cemetery committee. I explained that I did not want my brother buried there and could I buy those two plots. He knows that I already have plots. He said if I wanted to he was not opposed. He said one of my Dad's first cousin's had told him he didn't want bad bro and his wife to be buried there. He said he had told my brother repeatedly he needed to pay for them. He said he had also talked to my mom about it, but she never paid either. So I gave him debit card number and bought them. Was that too spiteful? I couldn't stand to think about him and my SIL buried by my Dad, my grandparents, uncles and aunts, etc.

We got an update on my brother via a cousin. He has not regained consciousness and is having atrial fibrillation which is not good. He's on blood thinners.

Mom just had a minor meltdown. She called to tell me she lost her box of toothpaste. Oh my! I went over, checked her bathroom vanity drawers and realized she had already used it all! She was convinced she had it somewhere, (fixation time) she starts routing through every drawer and cabinet. I told her I had an extra tube to give her and it was no big deal. So I hopped over and got her a "back up tube" and promptly delivered it to her. Then I let her know the world was indeed not coming to an end. 😉 LOL! Dementia and fixatations. She would take her entire place apart for a piece of paper she was convinced she had.

Wow, so much dysfunction! EVERYWHERE! It is very difficult to deal with. With my own twisteds, I have e-mailed ts2 a couple of times asking how she is doing, sincerely, and what do you think? You are right, no response. She is the one that decided mom would be better in a facility, and cheaper too, she had quite the awakening. I would not care to be her.

The yard? I turned off the sprinkler today, it will not come back on. I will hand water the areas that have grass, but I will not water the weeds any longer. Just spent an hour outside with a gallon of roundup spraying around the house. I give up on the rest of it.

Now time for something to eat, take deep breaths and put my feet up!

Upset, I am sorry to hear about your brother. You absolutely are NOT the blame. His life is his responsibility and that includes his coping skills with the loss of family financial support. Take care of you and keep building your life.

Ali, congrats on the apartment. Things are falling in place for you.

Stacey, my thoughts are with you and the family. Poor fil has been sick a long time with no symptoms. Hoping test results help with the many decisions facing you and hubby. Get rest in the meantime.

No, I have not unpacked, lol!! Dd is only just now understanding we can't have her and the boys her all day. Nothing gets done. She is potting training L which keeps her at home!!! Love those boys and E just loves to be with Grammy while L loves to be with Papa.

I cleaned today, Midget had her spa day and they did a great job!!! I will stay with this groomer which is here in town. Tomorrow we see our insurance agent, and the builder comes here for a 30 day checkup. We have some questions for them, such as, shouldn't the dishwasher be mounted under the cabinet, no covers on a couple water systems on the front lawn, no light in master shower, and a couple knicks in the patio cement I want to know if one especially is going to get bigger from the winter weather. I don't want it to start pitting.

Take care everyone, deep breathes and put your feet up.