The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

east - I think it is important to face the realities about your brother and your mother. It should make it easier for you to say "No". I am glad that you have sent your answer to your bro. The ball is in his park and has to stay there.

stacey - I am so sorry fil's health is unravelling. You know, I thought there were some indications of that when he was at your place, but he never was open about how he was. Please let go of any guilt. Good heavens, you cared for him so well for all those years. He is old and declining. Likely that tumor did not appear in just the past few months! This was going to happen no matter where he was. You and hub are stretched beyond belief. Big (((((((hugs))))))). Be sure to look after you.

Stacey,
I feel for you too! You are in between a rock and a hard place. I understand feeling guilty about FIL, whether or not to bring him back to your place with Hospice. It's not an easy decision but explore all possible options first, cost, the added stress of bringing him into your home life, the horrible BIL and basically opening your home to him because FIL is there, consider carefully the realities. I would think a nuetral place seems wisest under the circumstances but I don't know all details. I will also say to take your own excellent advice to East, don't get consumed by the FOG!
Thank you Stacey for the kind words about Upset and I, she and I do share much in common maybe that is why I feel so protective of her, it kills me to see another kind, special woman who never deserved any of this, going through the never ending grip of badbro and his screwed up family. It's just not right. It really upsets me when good people ( like yourself) get taken advantage of, hurt, wrongfully blamed, it makes me wish I could turn into a Valkyrie and take out all the bad guys, including your BIL!!! Put them all on their own little island and let them make each other miserable! At least we have each other and I am so grateful to all of you, I look forward to reading your posts everyday I can. I read and write in between my duties each day.

(((((((upset))))))) mixed feelings for sure and that's OK. His clan may blame you but the people who are important to you ad who care for you will not. It's the old' "everything is someone else's fault" game. Not your circus not your monkeys. If anything, the loss of your mother's financial support has affected him.

Stacey,
You have just returned from the hospital yourself, and may be neglecting your own health at this time.

There are concerns for your Fil, and your sister's Mil, but for you to take that on, plus your Bil scary-to-say-the-least visit pending, plus your hubs depression and sadness, and everything else, that worries me about your health, ignoring what the increase in stress will do, when the opposite (relief) was expected.

Take your family's offer to help, and ask that they finish painting what they can. Start now, make it like a family reunion party (before Bil arrives to con you), imo.
Do that before deciding or even considering bringing Fil back to live with you.

That family is near, you will have someone there to serve meals, help you rest, and paint all at the same time! Will that one action help do you think? The gathering may even help your hubs-not thinking about all that labor/undone painting.

Have you been to your doctor? Explained the crisis and stress?

Thanks everyone. I've thought about my brother a lot today. From childhood to the last year he has always been irresponsible, unwilling to ever accept any responsibility for his actions. I don't wish for anything bad to happen to him. But, I don't think I have any positive feelings either. My younger brother and I both tried to think of three times he had done something good for us or for our parents. We could each think of one thing. But we had a never ending list of bad stuff. We tried to make it about his wife and kids, but there was a never ending list from before he even met his wife. I guess I'm conflicted.

Wow! A lot to absorb since a couple hours ago! All the new posts, gotta catch up!
Upset, I am going to try and say the right thing and if I don't, forgive me. It is just that I relate to what you have been through with badbro, that it makes me furious after all you have been through with him and the awful family that they have the NERVE to blame YOU! Remember as well, we also share that in common that all we sacrifice, we get blamed for anything they bring upon themselves, I have piles of hate mail from my brother. I will confess, there was a time last year when Mom told me he had been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. I was elated in the thought that he would not be expected to pull through. I know how awful that must sound but I swear, the day my badbro is out of my life permanently, it will be a celebratory day for me. However it happens at this point is not important. Sounds like karma is catching up to your badbro and I cannot feel sad for him in his current condition because of how much damage he has caused you and continues to give you no peace. It breaks my heart because I know how it feels. You are probably the better person than I as you wish him no ill will but to me, you reap what you sow.
*Big Hug* Forgive me if I said anything too harsh, all I want for you is an end to the nightmares he has caused you, don't let any of them put this on you, hard as that is, believe me, I know what it is like to be blamed for the circumstances in which they alone created. When my Mom finally passes, if he is still here, I will be demonized by him, of that I have no doubt. I dread the mere thought of it. I hope some day not to feel the way I do about badbro but it will take years of him not being in my life at all for the wounds to have a chance to start healing.

UpsetSister NO! Oh I am sorry to hear about your brother and this new setback! When it rains it pours, just How much are we supposed to take? The FOG is really getting to me, as most of the time, I'm here at home waiting for updates from hubby at the hospital, and I keep thinking that my FIL was doing just fine here in our home. 

Never did I think that something like this would happen, but that was poor judgment on my part.

Of course things can and will go wrong with someone of his age and state of health, but my husband was there 1 and 2 times every day, and he was happy there, so I guess we need to be prepared for anything and everything to happen from here on out, but it Sucks!

I mean, how are you supposed to plan anything like even a weekend away, when something like this happens?

You all know that my sisters MIL is residing in the very next apartment to my FIL's at AL, and she has been in hospital twice with Respiratory symptoms, in the 9 or 10 weeks that the've both been there, as they moved in at the exact same week. These 2 are the only remaining elders that our family has left, so we are in this together until the end, but it isn't easy! It is nice to have the family support though! I honestly don't think either are long for this world.

I still can't help but feel the guilt, even though I was the one pushing for his move, but it was more for my husband than for me, as I could see my hubby's mounting frustration and resentment, but in all actuality, he's still with him and working almost as much as before, when he isn't worrying about him. 

We hadn't yet gotten to that point of relaxing about him being in a safe and comfortable place, Now That is the long standing FOG for ya! I know it, I can conceptualize it, but it's still there looming! Grrr!

Golden, I was beginning to worry about you, so you hadn't posted in 16 hours or so, oh my Lol, but you are such an integral part of this thread, and we miss you when your out of touch! Of course I shouldn't hold you to it, as obviously you have a life, but your consistency and then "disappearance", Lol, makes me worry about you!

I "disappear" all the time for hours and days at a time, so I'm just kidding you about that, but I did worry there for a second! 😉 So glad that you 2 are getting things done around your house, and I'm happy that R is pitching in and helping you! It's nice to have a partner to enjoy life with!

I have had numerous offers from my sisters to come in to help us ready the house, should we do decide to bring him home, but again, a ways off before any such decisions are made on that front!

SharynM, how are those boys, and how is your house coming along? Are you all unpacked yet?

Glad, thinking of you and that big yard of yours! With so much acreage, it could take up your entire weekend, and still not gett it all done! I'd stick to the perimeter of the house, and let the landlord take care of the rest! I hope they are not expecting you to do all the work! Ouch!

EastEagle, I hope you are staying strong in your convictions that your Mom needs a higher level of care, and that you cannot possibly manage her on your own! I understand that it is an impossible situation, and that the FOG gets to you too! You hang in there Sweets!

UpsetSister and Rainey, I cannot say how refreshing it has been since you 2 have joined this thread! You too seem to have a lot of simular
family strife, but also so many common interests, and it's nice to see your budding friendship help one another through things. My online friendships here mean the world to me, and I'm glad you 2 have found your way to us! I Love what you both bring to the conversations here!

Hi All, I sent my reply to my Brother. He had texted me, he never phones - which I feel would give us the time to discuss these issues. He wants to do it all by texting, I guess it's not as personal that way, and, he can avoid answering my questions. So far, he has not replied. I can only imagine what he is thinking, and I am wondering how mad he must be. Anyway, I felt pretty relieved last night, but today the guilt is kicking in again. Trying not to feel like "The Bad Sister" today. My words - not his. Today I was remembering some of the stuff that my Brother had done to me in the past, so I would not feel that bad. I can recall a very bad year, when both my Brother and my Mother gave me grief. It was 2003. My husband had re-injured his bad back - again. Needless to say, he was in a lot of pain for several months, and could not work, around Jan and Feb. and I was driving him to Physical Therapy. Then in Feb. we found out that our middle daughter - who was in the Army National Guard - was being deployed for Active Duty. So we had that to worry about - extremely worried for her safety. Then in May, we found out that my Mother -In-Law had cancer and she had surgery the very same week that our eldest Daughter was getting married, so it was upsetting for everyone - that this Grandmother could not see her very first Granddaughter get married. On the morning of our Daughter's Wedding, my Mother called me to say that my Brother decided that he would not be coming to the wedding after all, even though the and his wife had said they were. So, my Parents were not able to get there. My Brother was going to drive them to the wedding. My Father never learned how to drive, and never had a License. My Mother had given up her car and was not driving anymore. They only asked my Brother to drive them to special occasions like the wedding, if need be. Otherwise they used public transit or took taxis. My Mother did not want us to call her Sister who was also coming to the wedding. But, my Husband called her anyway, and my Aunt drove my Mother to the wedding. My Dad has decided to stay home. But, my Brother and his wife showed up at the wedding, along with my Dad, and I was completely surprised. But of course my Brother started complaining right away - that we lived so far away, and he had to drive so far. Then in Sept. my Mother-In-Law passed away. Our new Son-in-law had to drive us to the funeral, since my husband was still in pain and could not drive. Once again, from Sept to the end of the year, my husband could not work because of his back. So during this year, we could not make our usual trips back and forth to visit my Parents, the driving was too much for my Husband. My Parents never came to our house, we always did all of the driving to their house and also to the other relatives. So one day, during this year, my Mother had called to say that she was upset with us because we had not been visiting her that much lately, and she said to me, "I think you have forgotten how to get to my house." I could not believe that she said that, after what my Husband and I had gone thru that year. No consideration for us at all. That is just one example of how I have been treated by Mom and Bro.

Upset, I'm sorry about the news.

I have had news about my badbro. He had another stroke and has not regained consciousness. Got info from cousin who works at hospital. She says my SIL, niece and nephew are telling anyone who will listen that it is my fault. I mistreated him, convinced younger brother not to have anything to do with him, etc. I'm sorry his health is worse, but I don't believe I'm responsible. I may be out of caregiver h*ll, but the dysfunction continues.

Trying, Oops and Yes, I did get you mixed up! Sorry, I'm all over the map these days! 😣

You are right, all of you, and I'm putting the horse before the cart, just looking at all the possibilities of what the future may hold for the Old Man.

Yesterday, he had a fluid build up on the side where the Pneumonia is, and they performed a Thoracentesis procedure. Hubby was there to sign consent for the procedure but had to leave as he is no good with needles, pain and the dificult medical stuff, so he came home.

I called the hospital to check on him about 1 1/2 later, and they told me he might have a Pneumothorax (a collapsing of the lung) post procedure, and were ordering the portable xray to confirm, but he was resting comfortably. It was now 8pm, and I asked them to call back if there were complications, but never received a call, so hubby has just now left for the hospital this morning to check on him. I figured no news is good news, and hubby is so exhausted, he fell asleep on the couch.

So I'm now awaiting a call from hubby to see how things are going today.

I completely understand everyone's suggestions to not bring him back in our home, even for Hospice, but I need to slow my roll, and wait for a Diagnosis, treatment plan, and go from there. I will definitely explore all options when/if the time comes. In all honesty, I pray that he will pass peacefully, and not have to go through the long and slow decline as I've seen in both my parents, but I feel horrible even thinking such thoughts. I mean, what is the point of treating a Cancer in his frail and delicate state, only for him to sit alone and lonely in an AL place to whither away, and Yes Glad, the FOG is alive and kicking around in my brain!

You all know the long drawn out decision to place him in the first place, and now this, it just doesn't seem fair to him or us. My poor husband is not dealing very well, and the poor old guy, I don't want to see him suffer. But now we wait until the do the biopsy of what we have now been told is a golf ball size mass on his left lung. The biopsy will be done in the next couple of days, and results take 2-4 days, so more waiting waiting waiting!

Thanks everyone for your friendship, your suggestions and your support!

Alli, good news on your Apartment! And no, you have not outgrown your time here with us! You have ongoing need for friendship and guidance, as well as the next person! We all learn so much from one another, even long after our caregiving role has diminished or ended, as the hurt and pain continues, and we are all here to help each other through that! Obviously we never know what the future holds!

Here I thought things would improve, and poof, our plans are now at a standstill, until we get more information on how best to take care of FIL's needs. I do know that all will work out, no matter the outcome, we are a united front, and all my sisters will chip in whenever we need them. I'm definitely not going to worry about the BIL.

I do find it interesting (or more disgusted actually), that my husband's sister the Nursing home RN/Supervisor) has yet to even call her brother, not one call since my FIL entered AL! I know she knows that he is in hospital, but still no word from her. Now that's messed up! Dysfunction junction at its finest! Here's my 3 sisters gone to visit him in hospital, but she cannot even pick up the phone to check on him? Despicable!

Trying,
You are right about Golden, she is so special and I so enjoy hearing from her too! Lots of really special people here in this thread, honestly, you all help keep me grounded and not feeling as though I am going nuts and knowing we are all going through our own little hells of one kind or another. Not that I am happy people are going through such difficulties, but happy we have a place to talk, vent and support each other and there is great comfort in that! I want to thank all of you. Sometimes I try to bring in off the subject things like gardening so we can get our minds off the difficulties and I love hearing everyone's stories too! It's important to remember our passions and experiences we have with other things, like the bear in Upset's garden, or what someone is cooking from the homegrown goodies from their yard. Love hearing about all that stuff as well. Like right now, my two bengal cats doing anything to get my attention! Jeez they are smart cats. Very high maintenance and lots of energy but loving cats. One of them knows how to open doors, we had to get indoor locks to keep them from getting into certain rooms, they are curious and can be destructive, they have broken lots of my stuff! Just curiousity about EVERYTHING. Anything could be a potential toy to them.
Thanks to all of you, and this site, it really is a life saver! 🤗

Stacey I think you might have mixed me up with East : )

Golden good to hear from you. I must confess. I sometimes read your posts to get caught up when I've not been here for a while. You are always on top of what is going on, making us all feel special. Want to thank you for that.

rainey - You are welcome for the giggle. The location of your home sounds lovely. The deer are an enigma to me. Why MY cedars!!! We are across from a green belt and ravine where animals live. There were no deer last winter so the forest fire we had here last year may have changed things. The globe cedar in front has suffered the most. It is now a half globe. :(

note for msmadge - I no longer have piles of mother's paperwork on the table. R displayed a talent for filing and it is all tucked away neatly. I am so relieved and thankful for his help.

ali - Mother is 105 now and it feels like she will live forever. Yes, R is back in my life. Glad your dad is doing well and so sorry about your mother's attitude. I don't know if we ever get totally past having a reaction to that sort of thing. I hope you do. I never managed it, but due to the vascular dementia mother is past making hurtful remarks now. It helps.  Good luck with the job interview.

Golden, missed you.

Ali, I hope Chicago works out for you.

Stacey, I must say I am surprised to hear you are even thinking about bringing FIL home on hospice. Maybe you are feeling a bit of FOG? You know that hospice can be taken care of in AL. Many do. Mom was in memory care with hospice coming in. That went from October until June. It worked out well. Mom still went to meals and activities as she could. Hospice increased hours with mom's further decline. A 24/7 caregiver was brought in towards the end as mom's condition declined.

There is another solution for FIL. He enjoyed where he was, so let him be, give it some time. And hubby visited every day, after all. Do not bring the "old man" back to your house. And there are so many family members to provide help where needed.

I hope he gets better, some time in rehab will tell you a lot. You say he would need 24/7. Does he need it temporarily? Only you and hubby can make the decision. My vote? Not that it mAtters. He was doing fine. He was happy where he was. So do not change it. Hospice works well in facilities. And no feeling guilty. Ok?

Golden,
Sorry but you just gave me a huge giggle! Not that I don't feel for you as our place was the favorite on the block too! I understand. We live at the end of a culdesac and it backs up to a creek and open hills so they had amazing access from every direction until I threw a fit one too many times and my husband put up the fencing! Even the "so called" deer resistant plants I bought, HA!!!!! Not our deer! I guess they aren't as picky here 😉
I hope you recoop a bit from all the work and good luck with your tomatoes, I have not had luck the last couple years, the first year I planted them, I had more than I knew what to do with, made lots of sauce and bruschetta, after that, a huge pine tree came down across the creek in a storm and changed all the lighting, that was the only thing I could see because they had everything else, checked the ph level in soil, made ammendments, have irrigation, they started out well then just petered out! So depressing. Maybe next year I will try again. Weather has been odd too. If it doesn't work, I will try other stuff.
Upset,
No, not everyone of them but I am prone to depression and anxiety, have had those issues for a long time though, mostly circumstantial however, not an everyday thing. When I get overwhelmed, or my badbro sticks his head back in my life, then I have issues. I have my distractions to snap me back but yeah, I do feel like my life (my last so called young years, 40's, which are drawing to a close, are passing me by. I wonder how much longer I will be trapped. The few friends I had don't want to hang out and hear all about my world with Mom in the land of dementia and geriatric issues. So.....they have evaporated, I have come to accept that, most people in my life have eventually become a dissapointment in one way or another so, I don't hold high expectations anymore. My husband is my saving grace because he can still make me laugh so hard I have tears pouring down my face so that certainly helps!!!! I never realized how important that is in a marriage or relationship, someone who can make you double over laughing 😂
I can understand why your son stayed away, it's really hard to watch someone you dearly love being treated horribly. But, in turn, that makes you feel even worse, having to slip away to spend time with him, that had to hurt.

My mother... text'd me earlier and the text read "I guess the cord and pedal to your dad's piano were thrown out long ago with the amplifier. He said he cannot use piano without them."

This is... just typical of her communication style... and it's silly but it bugs me. She assumes things, and assumes negatively.

I text'd her the 2 locations where the cord would be. I'm organized and I don't throw things out that my dad would use... just that the amp had sewage water in it from the flood last year and my dad hadn't touched it in the past 5.5 years.

Well. I'm going to have to get to a place where I don't let HOW she says things bother me. Or... is that possible? I feel defensive, because she's always been like this, assuming the worst about me. :-(

I sent the paperwork and deposit money for apartment today. Now I'll get started with work. I have a small cushion of savings but of course it grows smaller by the day.

I thought A LOT about what/where/how to go about getting on my own feet again. I'm betting that Chicago's offerings for jobs is worth it to stay here. I have an interview with a desirable tech company this Thursday. I'm just taking it One Day At A Time. Interview opportunities are great. I'll keep practicing. Makes me nervous just thinking about it, though, I'll be honest.

Good to hear from you, Golden. I think about you, and with your mother being... is she 105 already? or "only" 104? ...and I know that she cannot live forever... Well, just when you're gone for a day or two... I'm happy to hear you got through another bittersweet anniversary for G. I'm being completely nosy with this question, feel free to ignore or placate, lol. Is R back in your life? These things are never a straight line, I don't think so. Just being a big nose...

Stacey ~ I have to agree with Send that seeing how FIL is now is a testament to how much you did for so long. My father is doing great, seems to be, but his stuff wasn't decline-related (I don't think so) as much as it was the cancer surgery, reconstruction, catheter problems, infections requiring hospitalizations, two urinary tract surgeries... which he seems to have truly recovered from, amazing!! Anyway, I'm happy FIL is getting help from pros now.

Hi Everyone. :-) I'm feeling much less like a caregiver these days and so wondering if I haven't "outgrown" this site. I definitely haven't outgrown the dys family and the effects, and my own dys, and I can use the grounding and wisdom this thread provides.

((((((hugs))))))

upset - thx for asking. I am fine but tired. R arrived a few days ago and we have had a whirlwind of activity in the house and garden and lots getting done. Sorry about the bear in your garden. We have bears here too but they do not usually venture that close.

trying - so glad you had a good visit with your parents and sis. You can treasure that.

glad - AD still at it I see.

stacey (((((hugs))))) I am so sorry fil's health is collapsing. Keep bil out of your home and consider placing fil on hospice somewhere. You and dh must be burnt out totally, and the flashbacks to your parents are distressing I know. You need some space for yourselves.

east - stay firm about staying out of your mum's care. POA bro needs to hire help for her.

ali - that apt sounds good for a start. Maybe not ideal, but sometimes we have to manage with less. It will be YOURS!!!! I am sure you are having mixed feelings about leaving the house and it being sold.

rainey - we get deer in the winter and they eat my cedars - not the neighbor's cedars - only MY cedars...

Got through Gordie's anniversary reasonably well. Another year has gone by without him.

Nicely warm here. As well as stuff for house maintenance, we bought 3 bedraggled tomato plants that badly need sunshine. R is going to try to revive them. They are repotted, fertilized, and watered so we will see.The back deck get lots of sun. Wish I had some rhubarb. I love it! Been looking at the offerings at the local movie theatre for a break. A couple of films look worth going to. Trying to work R into retirement mode - where recreation is actually on the books. Most of his life it has been work, work, work.

Take care all -be good to you.

Sounds like planting rhubarb is similar to planting asparagus. My house had an asparagus bed when I purchased. I planted a second bed, but cut it back.Hopefully next year it will produce a good crop. Does anyone have experience planting Brussels sprouts? My broccoli is looking good.

Trying, I think BarbBrooklyn hit the nail on the head! Your brother was supposed to have gotten 24 hour post hospitalization care for your Mom, and here it is, not one week later and he's trying to suck you right back in! I'd Do exactly what she said!

We've hit all 5 stages of the caregivers burnout, thought we might recover a bit, and not 9 weeks out of our home and into AL and this happens to him. I know it's not his fault, but why does it have to be so hard, especially for him?

It seems like all of our elders have had to go the route of long drawn out and painful deaths, is that the way for everyone else's LO's too?

Why can't they never peacefully slip away in their sleep? I do remember my Nana (Mom's Mom) did just that, of heart failure, when I was just a kid. My Auntie found her in the morning,  in bed, book in hand and her glasses slipped down on her nose. So peaceful.

It's just that there are So many things stacking up against him at the moment, and I don't want to see him suffer. And with these latest findings, I don't see a peaceful end for him, or us for that matter. I'm down in the dumps today.

UpsetSister, glad your Bear is off to new chomping grounds! We've got all the usual critters, but no Bears! I even had a Coyote on my front porch a couple of months ago! He made a skirmish in the middle of the night, jumpig up on my chair there, and knocking over a flower pot, my dog started barking and I looked out the front window and there he went, tiptoeing away (that funny way the walk) down my front walkway, with his long swooping tail behind him. I'd never seen one up close before! Kinda Cool!

Except for general maintenance, my poor garden hasn't seen much hands on action this year, we didn't even plant any annuals, but the perennials and all the bushes we do have, have given a lovely showing! My hubby who generally loves to garden has been to Darn busy! Finally the rhubarb I planted 2 years ago is huge and ready to pick. I often forget to check it as it's on the sunny side of the house, so I'd better pick some for a strawberry rhubarb pie, and give some to my DIL for making jam! They stay not to eat it the first year, and to cut it back, but it came back really nice!

Rainey, Hopefully, you'll never hit all of them. Sadness was my big one. Plus I lost in person connections with friends and family. Some of my Mom's own family didn't want to deal with her. My son in the last 18 months refused to see her because of the way she talked to me. He would be in town on vacation and I would have to slip out to see him.

Flowers sound beautiful. Deer are cute but bad about eating stuff up. Fortunately, not many deer in my area. Mostly, moose, bears, and porcupines, few raccoons. Next year I may try to do more flowers. I love doing vegetables - mostly because I like to can and cook. Garden and canning are my stress escapes. Hope you have a good evening.

Upset,
Glad the bear did not totally dessimate your entire garden! We had to put cheap deer fencing around the whole property because THEY were eating everything!!! Cute as they are, everytime my plants would start looking good, I would come out in the morning and they would be chopped to nothing! The fencing has worked very well, we have only had one rogue deer get in and I gently ushered her out. This year the mop head and lace cap hydrangeas around Mom's cottage put on the most amazing display because they weren't eaten to death. Mine in the pots did horribly!
Interesting your 5 signs of caregiver burnout, I hit pretty much all of em except a few. My new normal!

You say "no, mother needs professional care; you were told that mom needs round the clock aides. YOU are POA; you need to find an agency that can provide them".

Then you hang up the phone.

Golden, How are you?

Everyone is giving good advice. Seems like so many different situations. My own family circus is exploding but it's several states away and not my circus, not my monkeys.

Remember the five signs of caregiver burnout.
1. Irritability (your own).
2. Withdrawal. Your own from what you previously enjoyed. Or connections with friends and loved ones.
3. Sadness - a sense that life is passing you by or that you are missing life events because of your caregiver duties.
4. Mental and physical exhaustion.
5. Altered behaviors. Changes in eating, sleep habits, taking drugs inappropriately or a change in sex drive.

Sadness is what finally made me move. I realized one day that I never saw my granddaughter as an infant except for a half hour and that I didn't see my youngest grandson until after his first birthday. I realized I never saw my two youngest grandchildren without my narc mother in the background talking me down. I'm past sadness now. I'm angry at myself for allowing her to be so controlling for so long. As someone wrote earlier, don't get sucked in. 

Stacey, I'm somewhat like you; I want to know what I'm facing and how to plan. Watch your brother-in-law. And I'm sure you and your husband will make the best and most caring decisions for your FIL.

My bear was transported north. I salvaged some of my garden. All of my root vegetables survived, plus some other stuff - even a small amount of corn. 

Oh Man what a mess Stacey! I do agree with the others that it would be good to consider some other placement for FIL, at least until your house is back together. If it's determined the he is terminal and hospice is needed are there any hospice centers close to you? No matter the outcome, my heart goes out to you but I'm glad you can count on family.

Stacey, dear sweetie, I am so sorry this has all come to light re your fils health. As far as bil, he can stay at a hotel as your house is in reno stage and not able to accommodate any guests at this stressful time. ((((((Hugs))))))!!!! Take deep breathes and one thing at a time, delegate some to hubby if possible or other family to help get it done so if fil does come to your house, you are not completely wiped out physically and emotionally.