The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Trying, best advise yet!! I loved my parents too, however, my marriage comes first, my well being is very important to me. That's why I had to cut my sister off. I refuse to be the family caregiver when I am thought so little of by my sister.

Thanks Rainey, I know your right! There's just so much happening so Fast, my head is swimming! Grrr!

Tryingmybest,
Extremely well put regarding EastEagle. 👍

OMG Stacey! The hits just keep coming! So sorry about all this stress but if BIL has to come, put him up in a Motel6!!! Do NOT allow him into your home to create more chaos than you are already going through! Make any excuse, house is too torn up, no we don't need your help right now (thank you) or a simple, "No way, no staying at our place!" I don't know what works or what doesn't when it comes to him but I would not allow him in your house under any circumstances unless he was under 24/7 surveillance!
You need all your strength for your FIL and husband.

East, I love my parents too but love does not ask us to sacrifice ourselves because our parents and siblings refuse to make reasonable or appropriate choices. Your Mom and brother obviously have no respect for your opinions. It appears you have no say in what they decide. Wish them luck with their plan but make it perfectly clear that you are not available to be part of it. You don't even need to say why, just say no.

There are other ways to show your Mom you love her. You can call or send cards. You can make short visits when possible. You can say I love you, you are precious to me. Love is not measured by how much we do for someone but what is in our hearts. If you feel you need to prove your love that means you are being manipulated and I guarantee it will never be enough to satisfy them.

Believe us when we say your Mom is only going to need more and more care. Don't let yourself get trapped into something you know is going to be bad for you.

Hi all, well today was supposed to be the day my FIL was to have the mass in his Left biopsies, but his WBC (white count) is on the rise again, back up to 17, and the Dr says there is a fluid build up on the R "Pneumonia" side, so they are going to do Thoracenticis (a tap) to remove the fluid today, but they cannot do both procedures on the same day, unless something goes wrong, say a punctured lung. So the biopsy is being put of a day or 2.

Hubby was at the hospital this morning and thought the Old Man was feeling better because his attitude was angry and short, but in actuality his speech is still slurred, and his ability to form sentences is still impaired and he looks dreadful.

Now here I am, future tripping on what is to happen coming down the pike. If (most probable per the Dr) the biopsy results do show cancer, whether a new primary or a relapse of his Lymphoma, I just cannot fathom him ever being strong enough to go through Chemotherapy again, so if it ends up him being on Hospice, we will probably need to bring him back home! It is something hubby and I have discussed, but All that Work to get him settled in AL, and he's happy there, its just so frustrating! having gone the Hospice route with our Mom, and know how much work it is, and I just cannot see how Hospice could be managed in the AL, even though they say it can be done, but who exactly sits there 24/7 to watch and look after him as he withers away, and get him to and from the toilet? He could no way do that on his own, as weak and frail as he is, and he's just one or two falls away from a broken pelvis that would most likely take his life! So that leaves a Nursing home, or our home.

I know that this is not good to future trip like this, but I'm the sort of person who needs to know what we are up against, and of course my mind always goes to the worst possible case scenario.

I do know he will be going to rehab for a time, which will give us time to ready his old room here in our home with Hospice in mind. I also know that my own family will always be happy to help us in any way.

Hubby's brother is wanting to come up as soon as we say the word, but we are holding off on him coming, as our house is in disarray, frome all of the painting projects, currently about 1/2 way done with all the pictures down and nicnacs in boxes all over the place, plus the work being constantly interrupted by having to Visit and see to the Old Man at AL, and now in hospital. And nowhere to put the brother at the moment, I suppose we'll need to buy an air bed! We just can't seem to catch a break here!

My husband is sounding seriously stressed and depressed, and I'm trying my best to bolster him up, but it's all so exhausting, managing the constant but well meaning phone calls, and putting off my BIL from coming, which would be all the more interuptive, add in the constant surveillance we would have to do, as we simply cannot trust him not to steal from our home, and it would be weird not to allow him to stay, and yet were still not done clearing out all of my FIL's left over junk from moving him out.

I actuality, it would only are a couple of hours to remedy that, both of his old rooms are painted, as well as the bathroom and front hallway, so we could throw up an air bed if it comes to that.

Sorry, I know that I am rambling here, my mind is all over the map. And we still have to pay his rent, to hold his room at AL. What to do, What to do?

I know if it comes down to Hospice care in my home, you know that there is an end in sight, and it would probably be easier that the constant trips to see him every day. I sure would like to see a plan of care set before us, so we could make informed decisions, but this waiting is so incredibly stressful, not to mention the poor old guy who suffering in all of this! Why doesn't anything ever work out according to plan? I hate ilness and Cancer! This is bringing back all those memories of my parents in their final months, and none of it is pretty.

Thanks for listening and all of your support! Stacey

In agreement with Jessebelle!

Amen and amen to what Rainey, Golden, and Linda wrote.

Your mother's needs exceed your ability to meet those needs, and this will only become more so. it will become a very bad trade off - your health and your husband's health vs. your mother being at home without paid help and your brother being able to work, travel and live. For motivation to tell them "no" as often as needed, just think about how you'd manage and feel if your husband needed your care but you were caring for your mom instead. Don't take a single step down this slippery slope. Many of us have had to drawn lines with narcs - we'll encourage you every step of the way. You can do this.

They are narcissists and will suck the life out of you if you let them. Say "No, I couldn't possibly do that," with a clear conscience! Look after yourself and your dh.

East, Welcome to the world of Mother's who favored the boy's over us! I had three older brothers, the youngest of them all was "the squeaky wheel" who got everything. Every car, every bailing out of bad debt, only one paid by Mom to go to college, even though it was just a "trade school" college, she still ponied up for it and him living in a different state where the school was. Side note: He never did follow through with that trade so a total waste of money. I just finished paying off my student loans about 5 years ago. I had that noose around my neck for decades! My dad had money but he would do stuff like ask, "What do you want to do?" Then, you would tell him and his reply would be, "How are you planning to pay for that?" He could have easily helped but he did not. I guess since he was adopted into a "well to do" family, he always had money and he expected us to earn our way. I don't feel one way or another about that, but the squeaky wheel managed to get him to pay off his bad debts numerous times until Dad forced him to cut up all his credit cards or he would not bail him out. That lasted for a second! Mom always let my brothers get away with all kinds of stuff I would never have dreamed of! She still listens to a man's word over mine to this very day. It is just something you have to come to terms with. Women of that generation, the men were higher on the ladder comparatively, it was how they were raised. There are lots of us women who have been through this. But.....we are the ones expected to be the caregivers while the men are excused because "they have their lives and family and careers" we are expected to chuck it all to make sure our Mother's are well taken care of. No, no bitterness there! 😉

Barb, Black bears can be dangerous. But they are vegetarians for the most part. They're also easy for the Wildlife Dept to bait, capture and relocate to the northern woods. They love sweets, particularly donuts andvpastries. So the Wildlife Dept buys day old Donuts and has a couple of scoops of glaze added and it's the perfect bear bait.

East, DO NOT GO. Your health and your husband's health are your first priority. Your mother has the funds for home health care and they should be used for that. And you are not responsible for making sure he gets his Florida vacations. Don't let the two of them FOG you.

Hi again, just thought about all the Doctor appointments that my Mother has coming up, and wondering who they think is supposed to get her to all of them, several are in Boston. I'm sure my Brother will be "too busy" with his job, and he will not be available to take her. That leaves me or our Cousin - if she is free. Thanks All.

To Guest and All: I am remembering the past - How my Mother and my Brother were always "a Little Team" meaning how they always planned everything together - regarding my Brother's Life and his Future. I am now recalling how my Mother really focused most of her time, energy, and attention on him. She went back to work full-time to pay for his college education. My Father did not want to take out college loans (or could not afford to) so my Mother got mad at Dad - and to this day - she still talks about that. After I graduated from High School, I knew that my Parents did not have the money to pay for college, and I was really too young and too timid to go anyway, so I got a full time job at a Bank, and I basically took care of myself. I was still living at home, but otherwise I was really on my own. My Mother really didn't pay too much attention to what I was up to. As for my Mother's car: I was only allowed to use her Car once or twice a month. When my Brother got his driver's license, he had the use of her car all the time, and to go and see his girlfriend. My Mother would give him spending money in case they wanted to eat out. I recall when she asked him to do her a favor and take the car in for an oil change, etc. but he always refused to help her. But, there were no consequences - he still got to use the car. I always thought that she should have taken the keys away - until he decided to help her. Then my Brother got into a car accident and "totaled" her car. My Mother decided not to buy another car - because she was afraid that my Brother would be driving it all the time and might get into another accident. So she went without a car ever since then. When I was around 7 or 8 years old - My Aunt was teaching me how to play the piano, she had her own piano but she thought that I should have a professional teacher, but when I asked my Mother for lessons - she said NO. When my Brother was having trouble with Math in school - the teacher said he would benefit from having music lessons. My Mother asked my Brother what he wanted to learn, he said drums. So my Mother bought him a drum set, and he had lessons in our living room. I had to listen to him banging on those drums for hours. When my brother did not like what my Mother cooked for dinner, she always made him something else that he would eat.
So, does this sound like two narcissists? My husband is on the outside -looking in - so he can see what is going on. I really can't see it, and never could, because I am not the outsider. This is just a small example of my Mother and Brother's relationship, too much to go into here. Thanks.

East,
Totally agree with GuestShop! Once you jump in, good luck getting out. They must hire outside help whether Mom likes it or not. It may take a few different caregivers to find one Mom is OK with. Tell Mom she is a good friend just helping out if you think that may make a difference. Do not compromise your own heath because it does take it out of you, I know firsthand!

To Guest: Thank You for your advice, I really do appreciate it, and I do feel better about saying no. But, I just don't know how to say NO, to tell my Brother that I can't do it, I don't have the courage to speak up for myself. I am going to take my time, and then give him the bad news.

Hi Again, just one more thing, I just thought about my Brother's vacations. He usually goes away to his house in Florida and to other places, and takes about 3 or 4 trips a year. I am thinking about the future, I'm sure he will need me to stay with Mom when he goes away. This is mainly for the night time, in case she needs help, because right now my Mother is and will be alone during the weekdays. Thanks again.

East - NO you should not go. You have given your brother and mother advance notice that you are not available. You and your husband have health issues. Yet, he gets her out of rehab and takes her home telling discharge that she has 24/7 care. If you go take care of her, it will NEVER STOP. You will be on here upset about being taken advantage of until your mother or you are unable to get up one morning. I feel so badly for you, but if you are waiting for the two narcissists to develop a conscience or give you a break, DON'T.

Hi All, I really need your advice, again, ASAP !! I know that you have already advised me regarding my Mother's situation. She broke her hip, was in rehab, and just returned home last Friday. The Social Worker told us that she needed around the clock help at home, and I thought that my Mother and my Brother would agree to at least some daytime help, if nothing else. My Brother was the one who picked her up and got her into her house, there are just 4 outside steps to the front door, and Mom is on the first floor. My Brother and Mother did not hire any outside help, at all. My Brother ended up staying overnight with her, on both Friday and Saturday nights. My Mother has been able to get in and out of the bathroom by herself, except for one time. My Brother had to help her when she had to give herself an enema. I can't imagine what that was like for him, but he had to help her, he really had no choice. Before my Mother was to leave the rehab, he talked to the Social Worker again, but he never returned any of my text messages or phone calls, so I could not find out what the final plan for home care was going to be. I had called my Mother's house on Saturday, but got no answer. But, she did call me on Sunday. She does not have any Home Health Aides coming in at all. She has the Visiting Nurse, and a Therapist. From what I understand, the Visiting Nurse's last day to visit - will be tomorrow, Tuesday, August 1st. My Mother was already complaining to me (so that has not changed one bit), that she was aggravated that the Nurse stayed "so Long." She really wanted the Nurse to leave her alone. So my problem is this: I just got a text from my Brother, finally. He says he has to go on his business trip (to Mexico) starting next Monday, August 7th and he will be home next Saturday. The Company that he works for moved their factory from Massachusetts to Mexico. He is a Mechanical Engineer for this Company, in Research & Development. As I mentioned before, he has a very good job. He has to make these trips once a month. He told me that someone has to take care of our Mother, either he can drive her to my house, or I will have to go and stay with her. This is sort of short-notice for me. Right now, I am not set up for company, I don't even have a bed for her. We got rid of our kid's twin beds, they were very old.
So My question is this: I Know that many of you travel a great distance to be with your Parents and to care for them, or you live nearby and spend all of your time caring for them.
Here are my issues:
I will go and stay with my Mother because I Love her, and because I would feel way too guilty if I don't help her out.
However: I'm sure that my Mother and my Brother are feeling pretty satisfied with themselves, right now, because they did not have to dip into her savings account to pay for any sort of outside help - but I am feeling some resentment about that.
My Brother makes these trips once a month, and that will mean that I will have to stay with her when he is away - from now on - once a month.
I know that most of you would do this for your Parents, but I am thinking about my stomach problems, and if I would be able to stay at her house for an entire week.
If I were to go to her house, my Brother would have to come and pick me up and then drive me back home, since my Husband can't sit in the car for that length of time.
Here is my question: should I go and stay with Mom, even though I feel that she should have moved to assisted living or had the home health aides come in to help her.
What would you do in this situation. I feel that I have been backed into a corner, and can't escape. My Brother and his wife will be going to work every day, and their lives will not be disrupted.
I guess the plan is that when he is not traveling, he won't be that far away if our Mother needs help. But otherwise, she will be alone in her house during the week days. He will be doing some food shopping, etc. on the weekends.
I need your advice. Thanks again.

Tgengine,
BTW, I will never get the validation from my siblings on what it's like because neither has had any part in caring for her, even in the beginning when the red flags started popping up.

Tgengine,
You are right. Talking to them about their behavior may temporarily help you feel better to get it off your chest but ultimately, it gets you nowhere. I have to go over things with Mom until I am blue in the face sometimes! I have notes written everywhere, on electronics, medications, a dry erase board to write down frequently asked questions, she still asks! Somedays she is clearer than others. That is the box of chocolates, I never know from day to day what I will walk into. That is why I do most of my venting here, it's no use talking to her, she can't help it. She is barely the woman I grew up with and has little to no memory of the past. When I bring up events, she looks so surprised and say's, I have no memory of that! She also has terrible short term memory as well. *Sighs* It is brutal to watch and yes, can be enormously frustrating so feel free to let it out here, that is what this is all about, people who know exactly how you are feeling, can relate completely to your daily frustrations having to be a parent to your parent! I bought her a watch necklace because she broke her wrist watch (because she rarely takes it off) and replacing it is always a nightmare, getting one that fits her and has the right look, etc. Yesterday, I go over and she is wearing BOTH! What can I say?

I know, it doesn't help to tell him. Talking to my daughter this AM the mess was more than I anticipated. She did a great job cleaning up, so much so that when I came home I said "it's too clean, what happened"?... Joking.
He just makes a mess and leaves it or half way attempts to clean, or his normal is leave it for 3 days then someone else cleans it "I was going to do that". This is the reason I don't let him do projects because it will cause me more work. As far as changing him? That wont happen. The other night at dinner he talked to my wife about me to her about me being tired.... I was sitting right there... I wasn't tired I was ticked.
So, I will attempt to advise him more. Talking really doesn't work. I just have to work around it all. As my wife says our new mantra is now "go back to the lake"...... It was so quiet and peaceful there..... I will click my heels 3 times and say "I want to back the lake".....
The person we rented from called and said when they went to reset the camp for the next renter they had nothing to do, we had cleaned it, restocked the firewood and raked the beach in front of the camp. Apparently they never had that before. I guess like my home you take care of things... Yes we have the "anytime you want the place its yours"..... no if I can get that at my home.... nope, that wont happen!

Vent away, TG. I just think you'd feel better venting to HIM as well.

"Dad, you made a terrible mess here. What were you thinking? Don't do that again; I won't let you make more work for us here than you already are".

Can you say that?

Upset; I'm so impressed by your nonchalance about a bear! Being a city girl, I probably woulda called 911! A nice trip sounds like a great idea!

TG, this just jumped out at me:

"...It is just frustrating having someone live with you that doesn't seem to follow the same rules you grew up with."

Er. How would it come about that you grew up with different rules from your father? Bearing in mind that he was there at the time, and all that.

I don't think your father's disregard for the house rules is the source of the frustration. I think the source is more the triumph of hope over experience that must have taken place when you brought your father to live with you, notwithstanding the reservations which you had at the time and moreover voiced here prior to his arrival. You knew what he was like growing up. You accurately predicted what he would be like before he came to live with you. And now - surprise! - you have been proved correct, in that he is behaving as he always has done: as though somebody else is in charge and he is eight years old.

There are two ways to get rid of the frustration. One is to stop wishing your father was any different from how he has proved himself to be throughout your lifetime. The other is to let him be, and come here and vent about it. You're entitled, and it's fine.

You should tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and that he'll have to find someplace else to live if he does stuff like that.

Sorry, didn't mean to go on a rant, just frustrated. I have to think of how fortunate we are and things could be worse. Many others do not have it as well. I really should have nothing to complain about. It is just frustrating having someone live with you that doesn't seem to follow the same rules you grew up with. Just my frustration talking.

Upset, I think that is a good idea. He most likely will keep coming back to check.

Sharynmarie, they sound interesting. I have to look them up.

Black bears are common in Maine and they love sweet corn. This is the first time I've had trouble with one. I'm calling Wildlife tomorrow to see if they will bait, trap and relocate it further north.

I have never planted iris'. I've planted day lilies, tulips and peonies. I have hydrangeas, but they were here when I bought this place. Just trim them back a little. I also have a lot gerbera daisies. They're pretty, but plain white. I find gardening a release from tension. I never planted much until I Started taking care of mom. Had to do something to keep from going nuts. Hope everyone has had a good weekend. If my garden is totaled, I may head north on the trip I had planned for later on.