The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Rainey, I order the irises from Pleasant Valley Iris Farm in Vacaville, Ca.

DDDuck, the rhizomes look more like a large ginger root with roots coming out of it.

Its amazing hearing about these different animals and stories. and turfs and terrains. It sounds scary sometimes but it must be awesome to walk in a park and pick berries and look out and see ducks. Or the flocks of birds. Here in New York there is sometimes a good watch of a flock I think its in fall. Don't know what they are. But this huge oak tree in front of the house is home to these lil tiny birds. Saturday I was sitting out and they were on sidewalk flitting around, I saw one taking a dirt bath around the corner. Then all at once they flew back to tree. You could hear them but had to look hard to see them. I love to hear them chirping in the morning sometimes. Its nice.

Hats off to you all who are talking about your flower gardens. I am a person who truly appreciate flower gardens, veggies gardens too. Its beautiful hearts that like to beautify and its so lovely to pass a flower garden what ever level. Surely expert is awesome but I just think its awesome to propagate God's work. It warms the heart and reminds me of his love.

My first flower garden, I ordered these gladiola bulbs. Planted them around tree in front. the tree belongs to neighbor but is part in our front. New York on the side walk. Well, my mother was working at the time. Everyday I watched them grow surprised I didn't have to do much toward watering. Just when they were about to bloom, I came home to find them pulled up and inside our gate. I was devastated, what evil person would do this. It was my mother her excuse was it was not our tree. That was many years ago. All I could think was I will never see what those flowers would have looked like. I had them all around the tree and couldn't wait to see them bloom. Well the next time I go through that It will be when its safe to do it.

I think I have seen the iris rhizomes are they rich in color like a deep purple. Anyways
Hats off to you ladies.

Upset,
You have bears?!? Wow! We don't have those. Coyotes, bobcats, racoons, foxes, red tail hawks, lots of deer, rabbits, geese doing the morning and evening commute over the house, ducks in the creek at times when there is still water in it before summer and LOADS of tenancious blackberries that creep unstoppably at a rapid rate from behind Mom's backyard fence and manages to find it's way many other places! Wish I could go where they grew elsewhere to collect them!
Sharyn,
I do have rebloomers too! I have a serious addiction to Breck's catalog. I am cooling off this year to see how well the bulbs I ordered last year will fair into next year. They guarantee their stuff. I ordered "a lot" of bulbs last year. Some were great immediately, some were so,so, and some well...... Duds. Sometimes, things take a couple seasons to do well so I will wait and see before ordering more, though it is tempting!!!!!
Tgengine,
What a story! I LOVE hearing how other family members get a small taste of what it is like caring for a parent. Must have been nice to get some validation! I swear nobody has a clue unless they experience it for themselves. Everyday is a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get!

I just watched a video that was emailed to me. It was Tony Robbins doing an intervention with an older woman. The intervention boiled down to being feminine and feeling powerful. The woman resented her sister who cried when the father beat her. But the woman didn't and it made her angry. In essence she became a little boy for her father's attention and though being like his son. It was very interesting saw myself. In fact it helped me a little.

I still got many issues going on. Still a work in process.

Light and love to you all. God Bless.

Hello all, I been off line for a while and need to catch up.

Tgen, wow, dang! I thought I had it bad. My goodness gracious. Whew!! Glad you enjoyed the lake.

Upset you should have kicked his butt and made him clean up his mess. :) what a bout a bee bee gun. I guess you may have to fence in your garden. My first attempt at a garden in my teens was corn. I somehow made a fence little pickett fence with a door. Guess I used my summer job money and I was driving. Any ways it was growing nicely but I put it in wrong spot. My dog kept jumping the fence to pee!! Just when I started getting stalks it looked so nice. I gave up no way would I eat that corn. :)

And today some hummingbirds finally found the dreaded trumpet vine. Better them than a bear in my corn that is just starting to grow the pollen atop. A few weeks? I have never grown corn before.

Bears are always around. One always has to hope they get someone else's garden. No such luck this time.

Wow, Upset! I'm sure you hate to see your hard work getting eaten up by a bear... take some pics, though, lol! It will be funnier down the road, I'm sure. ;)

Just looked out my kitchen window. There is a bear sitting in my sweet corn eating away. Sitting there like it owns the garden. It has torn up everything. What a mess to clean up tomorrow. Or not. Probably not much left, other than root vegetables.

So my wife and I took a week to go away, It was awesome! rented a house on the lake. Made dinners, ate out, had a great time with our dog. Rented a boat for a day. Talked like we did before all the guests arrived in our home, I could feel the stress leaving my body!
Arrived home. Daughter immediately talked to us outside spewing how much she understood what we have to deal with having my dad in the house. She had to clean up after him. He made a BBQ dinner for 40 people at his lodge (this is the man who wont cook for 5 in our house). Thus to say she had to clean up the outside mess he left. And cleaned out house. She totally understands why we are so stressed. Suffice to say while I checked his account I wondered why there was a hardware store charge to his account. Come to find out through the smell in the house he made BBQ baked beans that somehow he spilled all over the kitchen and down through the Stove. The dogs licking the stove spied me to the mess under the stove. So an hour later of cleaning and then cleaning the entire kitchen and all my knives and pots and pans and then my smoker outside and pool area (another hour). I had it all clean and the house not smelling like a BBQ Pitt ( I love BBQ but). He left what he made uncleaned, my daughter had to clean it all up before I got home knowing I would be annoyed. It is hard to leave my house for an hour let alone a week. He is ambulatory and completely capable but will make a mess and leave it for someone else to deal with. We come home, daughter makes a wonderful dinner for all of us, so nice. We complement her on it, thanking her for cooking, and not a word form him, not a word.... sorry to say my he is an a**. ARRAAGGHHHH

Rainey try the rebloomomg irises.

I love blackberries. Fantastic jam and jelly. They won't be ready here for about three weeks. I pick around bike path at the university. Students never touch them. They're easy to pick in Maine. In WV you have to watch for snakes. Yikes!

Love irises, have bearded, dutch, japanese and dwarfs. If only the flowers lasted longer!!!! But.....I love them ❤️

The iris rhizomes I ordered have been shipped. Can't wait!

LOL! Glad, gardens are great distractions and very rewarding to watch them grow and mature from little things but then they can also be down right battles! I also have lots of different kinds of Ivy climbing up the trees, up the house, (we just tore all that out) but that darned stuff is impossible to get rid of, oh and the poison oak and blackberries, arrrrggghhhh! I ask professionals to tear it all out and within a year, it's back. I am very allergic to poison oak so it scares the heck out of me. So, now I pour full concentrate poison on it. Bet that won't hold either! It's wonderful living so close to open wild areas, all the creatures, birds, etc. but then there are the never ending battles with the vines!

Rainey, I understand the garden work and being enjoyable trying to tame a jungle. I spent four hours working in the yard today until it started to warm up. Nice overcast sky, but humidity is up, quite high for here.

I am currently renting a house, I think it had been vacant for quite awhile until the owner bought it in December. I have one kind of vine or the other everywhere! Puncturevine, trumpet vine, virginia creeper, and another two burr making weeds EVERYWHERE! So it is a weekly battle to try to keep up with them. I am whipped!

Ali,
Congrats! I know it is a compromise (for now) but as you put it, it is a good stepping stone in the right direction! Sorry to hear about your conversation with Mom going sour, it sounds like she was misunderstanding the conversation and decided to finish it off with a bit of guilt. I could be off but you never know with aging parents how they interpret things somedays. With Mom, somedays I might as well be talking to a wall for all that gets through!

Upset, yeah the toilet paper thing, very strange. He wanted Mom to write him a check for 50 dollars for "toilet paper and over the counter stool softeners." Since my husband and I go to Costco for TP & things like that, I handed him a package of TP and a full bottle of meds and sent him on his way. LOL!!!! My husband loved that story! He wanted the check and I called his bluff. That was the time he was talking about just returning from Disneyland. It only occured to me after the fact that how could they afford a vacation but not have $$ for TP? After that it was the 1000.00 for a bad debt, that was the final straw. Then, magically, the whole family went on another vacation to Canada! Brought back a cheap plastic trinket of a canoe for Mom. In the meantime, I can't get away for a weekend at a cozy little inn with my husband! Last vacation I was on was Yosemite when husband and I were on our own 5 or 6 years ago. I lost count! Anytime I ever mention bringing in a someone to give a break to husband and I she flips out. "I don't want a stranger here!" Heck, she doesn't even want people she knows! Oh well.
Looks like it won't be as hot as they predicted today, hallelujah! Maybe a little gardening? My hydrangeas really did poorly this year with powdery mildew with all the odd weather temperature fluctuations this year. I finally just chopped em down to twigs, they looked awful anyway no matter how I sprayed em with copper and neem oil. I will finally get to plant my shade garden soon, been waiting to get that side of the house painted before planting because of the rot we had to fix and the rusty staining of well water against the house. Little by little, fix up the woefully neglected house, the never ending project. It is rewarding to see the progress from when we initially got here! The garden was more like a wild unkempt jungle of various volunteer plants and trees and giant oak trees way too close to the house for safety. Still have lots to do but at least we are making some headway. Trying to focus on other things today besides the dysfunction junction 😉

Daughterlu,  Welcome to this thread. You're in the right place; all of us have badbro's and sisters. I have one really badbro and one who is super nice. I hope the visit goes smoothly and they don't stir up any trouble for you and your Mom.

Oh Stacey - I so sorry for all the problems he is going thru. It's so hard on the whole family.

My badbro is back in the hospital. This time according to my younger brother who called my cousin who is a PA was told he had had a mild stroke, with severe anxiety and stress management issues. My SIL is also in the hospital with side effects from taking double doses of Vicodin for an extended period of time. I've often wondered if she took too many pills.

Hi All! It's been a busy few days, for sure! I finally got smart and created a group text, to keep all our kids and their spouses updated about my FIL. But it doesn't stop the unbelievable amount of phone calls from my husband when he is at the hospital seeing him, or from his brother, my siblings, Dr's offices, and the the AL facility, all wanting updates about how he's doing. Oh the curses of big loving families, LOL!

My FIL is much improved from Thursday noon, when my husband found him on the floor, and since being hospitalized. The Hospitalist Dr is amazed by his progress, his white count is almost back to normal, as well as his kidneys function, but he is not out of the woods yet, as he has some dysphagia and is unable to eat regular foods, he is coughing up terrible things, and his is having trouble stringing words together and holding his thought in conversation. This could all be part of the Sepsis still, and will hopefully improve with time.

He also has a right shoulder I injury that is just coming to light and needs an xray, and he's Covered in horrible bruises, all over his arms back and sides, and a nasty bone deep wound on his right elbow that they are watching closely.

I think I may have mentioned, he was scheduled to have a chest/abd/pelvic CT, ordered by his new Cancer Dr, and it was done yesterday morning in hospital. The results are in, and he has a large mass in his Left lung, plus many positive lymph nodes. He is to have a biopsy scheduled for Monday, but it certainly appears to be a Cancer, whether his Old Lymphoma or a new primary is yet to be determined. It was odd that this information went right over his head, even though I probed the Dr on this finding, and right in front of him. He seemed to equate this with having a simple skin cancer removal, but I wasn't going to push the subject. There's plenty of time to face up to reality later, he needs to be much stronger before addressing any new diagnosis, And so do we!

It's all very sad, and we've yet to tell our kids about this. We think we will wait until the biopsy results are in, so as not to worry them further. One thing he did do while I was visiting yesterday, with my sister, was that several times he got very emotional and broke down, something I've never seen before. I'm thinking he is facing his own mortality now, he's scared, and I don't blame him, so so am I and I don't want to see him suffer. I am stressed to think of what's ahead, especially since we just had him settled.

My sister Lorraine who was with me, has a real soft spot for him, and he her, so I was glad she was there to help comfort him, and it did lighten the mood quite a bit. All in all, he was in good spirits, and was such a chatterbox, despite the garbled speech and losing his words mid sentence, and for the most part he was able to remember what he was going to say. Funny though, he repeated 3 separate times how he was flirting with the one Nurse, and actually believed he had a shot with her, but she turned out to be married, ahh shucks, LOL!

I know its selfish, but why can't things go smoothly for a change? I hate to future trip, but that is all I've done since the Dr said the word "MASS" in his lung! It puts me right back to the time when my Mom was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer, and the final time when they said she was terminal, and to prepare for Hospice care and her death. I am praying he doesn't linger and suffer, as there's not much left of him to waste away. I hate this! Where's the Xanax?!

Daughterlu, do you have POA for your mom? is it badbro who consigns the checks? Will be praying he just visits.

Trying, I'm happy for you that it wasn't a bad visit.

Ali, I think you made a good decision on the apartment. It might not be perfect, but at least you know what your plans are moving forward.

Rainey, I make sauce, but I can it too. I try to save my freezer space for blueberries and beef. I always buy a side in the fall from the university farm. In the winter in Maine, sometimes I don't feel like going out shopping in the cold and snow.

Good Morning. Things went much better than expected at Mom and Dads last night. Dad ate on his own and he ate quite a bit. I was able to engage him in conversation and he even laughed a couple times. Mom was not micro managing his every move and he was much happier. Sis came in like a whirlwind, as usual, non stop talking about what needs to be done but I managed to distract her with dinner. She sat down and ate with us and actually conversed about other things for a short bit. Being with my family is a crap shoot but last night was a winner. Feeling grateful for that.

Taking toilet paper, hm? What IS wrong with some people...??

Sorry about the bad bros. My two bros are tolerable these days but my mother... my mother... The two of us can't seem to speak about anything without someone getting huffy. :-( I spoke to my girlfriend about it, and she recently had a break in communication with her own mother after years of dysfunctional interaction, and she recommended I step back and away from my mom. All well and good in theory but I'm still handing over some things re: my dad. I rec'd a letter about benefits and it was different info than my mom had previously thought so I called to tell her about the paperwork and other things... I was sincerely trying to be nice, asking her how her recent church trip was, keeping her "in the loop" like she asks... the conversation ended with her telling me to call her back when I had time for her and hung up on me.  She was miffed that I was talking out loud about whether or not I missed the exit on the highway (I did... by 10 miles! lol and I was wondering where I was...)  Well. I'll just be so glad when I can get a break from family. I think we all need one from each other.

I decided to take my friend's one bedroom apartment in the city. It seems like a compromise of many things and I just want to get started and go from there. This seems easiest way, a stepping stone to getting my life back in one piece, one place, my own place, on my own accord, and go from there. Now that I've decided on place and have a timeline for move in of Oct 1, I'll put in employment around the date and location. I'll do temp work starting asap and will look for opportunities that are feasible commute from new location. I think I made a sensible choice given the wide open possibilities...? I can live with it.

Good night all, I'm falling asleep. :) Happy Weekend.

Reading about bad bros is just what I was looking for tonight. My bad bro and bad S.I.L. are visiting with Mother and myself Tues night for dinner at her senior facility. They want to see her new facility. They live in a retirement community in Florida. I have been with Mother since 2015 as her full time caregiver. I came back from Colorado when she asked me to. They were hateful to me and reckless butting in to have me evicted from her last senior living facility.in Independent living to a hellhole in Personal Care. It was a rogue facility. I was drug through the mud. Lies were made up about me. Mother was broken. Bro and S.I.L. were concerned that I would have "undue influence" on Mother and her money. They had already got it years ago to allegedly avoid any 5 year look back period. They told her it was for her benefit. Forgetting the money, it is like numerous testimonies when there is a rift in the family and the L.O. dies except Mother survived. I nursed her back to health time and again. She almost went blind, and could have easily died. My son assisted in getting her moved to a new facility. We are now in a very loving community. Brother has backed down from trying to have me removed because of the expenses of having to get a full time nurses aid at $25.00 per hour. Full time is over $200,000 per year. I get a stipend and pay taxes on the money. Mother and I are blessed to be together and have kitty with her full time. She walked 50 yards today with me just holding her hand. That is a breakthrough for her. I am afraid that they will drop lies about me like they have did at her old facility, Mother's stock broker, and with mutual friends we had as children in an ethnic community. They have vicious mouths. This ended up harming Mother. I have a good reputation in this community, a house just up the street that my son and I have owned since the mid 80's. This is where I go to church, sing in the choir, reach out to others, practiced law, did volunteer work. I liked Colorado too as it was a loving community. My brother and I co-sign checks for mother to stay here, Please pray for us that they come and go without destroying the atmosphere in which Mother has made great progress and where we live in harmony with the facility. Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Toilet paper comes up in therapy sessions frequently. I have no clue why. But some user personality types will make comments like "I needed help with money, but they wouldn't even give me money to buy toilet paper" or someone complaining about a spouse "he's so lazy he won't pick up toilet paper at the grocery store". When my mom and I lived in the duplex in Ohio, I always kept extra canned goods, paper towels, etc on shelves in the garage. My bad bro would catch the garage door up and run in an grab a big 36 roll pack of toilet paper and take in his house. Mom would always make excuses for him. Strangest toilet paper story ever. My mom's sister came to visit with her daughter and two granddaughters. When they were leaving, they walked out through the garage. One of the adult granddaughters remarked about all the stuff stored on the shelves. She was amazed that I had a pile of big packages of toilet paper. I had purchased 6 or so 36 roll packs because they were on special and I had coupons. She said "we don't have any toilet paper at home, I'm going to borrow a couple". She proceeded to pick up two big packages and go to their car and place in the trunk. I looked at my aunt and cousin and said I thought that was rude. They both said well she doesn't have much money and she borrows toilet paper from us all the time. She had just returned from a week long vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC. Every time I hear about toilet paper I wonder about people, vacations and not being able to buy toilet paper.

Upset,
Make a wonderful homemade tomato sauce with those tomatoes and freeze it. Nothing like fresh tomato sauce for pasta's, cacciatores, lotsa good stuff! That's what I did when I had a bumper crop of heirlooms, it was out of control! But the sauce........ Oh it was wonderful! Good way to use up a lot of tomatoes 😉🍅

Upset,
I completely understand your feelings, I wish I could disassociate too! Only another screwball would marry a screwball! When badbro got married, I could not for the life of me figure out why she picked him! She was smart, seemingly ambitious, was working at a bank as a loan consultant, and I thought just maybe she did not know what on earth she was getting herself into. Then, the phonecalls, crying, "your brother is being horrible to me!" I told her to run. So..................why did she stay????? *Thrumping fingers thoughtfully* Why? I could not put my finger on it for a while. I knew something was off because it did not make sense. Then, she kept pushing my "on permanent disability" brother to have a child. My mentally damaged, perscription drug abusing brother, why she wanted THAT to be the father of her child? Even my brother who had some braincells left didn't think it was a wise idea! So........she bought loads of pregnancy tests and cried to him every time it was negative! She finally got her wish. She was pregnant with a little girl. Now, her parents were given a free pass to live here from the Philippines since there is a child now. They all live together now in a house they tried to get Mom to co-sign on the loan for with not even an invitation for her to live there. Hmmmmmm, what could be the goal? Somehow, little miss banker managed to get that house without Mom's signature. So, now she is trying to squeeze another child out of him so their daughter will have a playmate, not to mention my brother told Mom after she had the first one, she wanted nothing to do with him (in the bedroom) for years! He is just a sperm bank for her to control, maybe that is what she wanted. Nothing else makes any sense to me. She has brainwashed his drug incinerated mind into becoming a Jesus nut just like her, that is the ultimate card to hide behind and place the blame on sinners like me who refuse to forgive my brother. How can one not afford toilet paper but just come back from a trip to Disneyland? How can one afford a round trip ticket to Chicago to meet up with long lost relatives but cannot afford a taxi from the airport? How can one want another child yet cry about not having money? Do you see the absolute confusion I have regarding those two? Nothing adds up. This is why I cut him off from Mom's checkbook. I asked her about the TP fixation with my brother and she admitted it was "in his mind" and they had plenty of TP. Did she admit he was mentally compromised?

Rainey, My SIL is a spoiled brat. She expected my brother to do anything she wanted. When she finally realized they needed a second income she asked my Dad to pay her a salary for taking care of her kids. He said no, get a job. After my Dad died my mom gave them money all the time. When she gave my brother POA he spent tons of her money on his family. Then he lost POA and he took stuff from Mom. His son stole from me. The whole crew are dishonest and it would suit me just fine if I never saw them again. I don't want anything bad to happen to them. I just want to stay removed from them.

I'm sitting here looking at two bushels of tomatoes- I think more canning is in my future. I sent PJ's grandsons home with a bunch of stuff. My motto is feed it to someone else if you're tired of canning.