The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Upset,
Holy cow! That is crazy! Your fault for "making it too easy?" I would have flipped! Your badbro is wired wrong, most likely so is the wife, how else would those kids turn out? If that is the "role model" then how are they to learn otherwise? My Mom thankfully was not remotely like that. It was all about pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go and EARN what you want. Even as a child, if I asked Mom for something special, she proposed a household chore to earn it, she never just handed things to me. I saw how hard she worked to keep us "just making it" on a nurses salary (in the old folks home) which way back then, was very low. My father was the one with the money and gave her the bare minimum of alimony, while he ate out morning, noon and night, traveled, etc. He left her with the house and everything in it so he felt that he had more than done his part. He had paid the down payment and paid the mortgage for a few years, then he left. She basically paid the rest of the house off. So, my role model's, including my father were all about earning your way and if you couldn't afford it, you did without. We grew up in a "well to do" neighborhood because of Dad's downpayment and choice of neighborhood. We were surrounded by kids who had way more than we did, our house needed help but we could not afford it. I had the neighbor across the street come over one day and say, "Hell, I will buy the paint if you just get someone to paint your house!" I was horrified. As if we enjoyed or were oblivious to how our house needed work. I worked since I was a child. Walking an old ladies dog for her @ 7 dollars a week, a paper route, McDonalds, etc. I think this whole mentality has been lost on today's youth, everyone thinks they are entitled and deserve something for nothing. Where is my 15 dollars an hour for unskilled labor? I am on the other side of that whole thought process. Mom did teach me some very valuable things I will always be grateful for. You want it, go and find a way to earn it! I feel like a dying breed.

Rainey, Stacey's BIL is up there high on the list of badbro's. I agree that some are just wired differently. My badbro is all about self-entitlement. But he also has narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. His children are the same way and I wonder if there is a genetic component. They take or try to take anything they want. But even worse is the fact that they never realize or acknowledge anything wrong. Everything is someone else's fault. My nephew stole money from me last year and my brother blamed me. He said I made it easy. His daughter and Son-in-law stole my laptop and pawned it. My fault because I didn't have it locked up. It was locked in our house. My brother gave them the key to come in and look around. It is never that they did something fundamentally wrong. I may never understand the why of his behavior.

Stacey,
Just trying to process all you shared about your husbands badbro. WOW!!!!!!! I cannot even comprehend that level of con man! Makes my badbro look like a inexperienced child! Reasons why one is fine and another is not in a family? Good question! I think some people are hard wired incorrectly, everyone processes differently and who knows about any outside influences they may have been in contact with that had negative influence shaping the already very impressionable mind. Shots in the dark. I often wonder exactly what happened to my badbro way back that set him on the wrong track. I was the baby so I could not be an observer to be sure of anything. I do remember Mom telling me Dad ignored him, my older brothers teasing him, was that enough to ruin him or were there other things unknown? I try to figure out why he could do what he did to me, I can only come up with that he felt so insecure and powerless, I was the only thing he could control and he did! But, I do know he is "not right" as far as wiring goes. A lifetime of observations with different events and how he handled them tells me that.
Your husbands badbro seems off the charts! He seems to have a serious case of entitlement issues and feels the world owes him. He almost sounds borderline sociopathic. They can be Oh So Charming when it suits them therefore you feeling the "soft spot" for him. He knows he has this ability and uses that on anyone who will take the bait. I am amazed at your sisters immediate sense of perception upon meeting him, I envy that gift! I too like to look for the "good part" and the explanation of why people behave in self serving fashions. But, even serial killers are known to be charming and appear "non threatening" and use that to their advantage.
I am sorry you have had to deal with this just like my husband has to deal with my sick brother. I suppose I should be glad he has not left a huge trail of destruction and people he has ripped off behind him. He only goes after his family, now he is on his way to visit Mom's sisters whom we have not seen in decades nor were we ever close with. He has already managed to get his first monetary extortion out of one of Mom's sisters before the plane has even touched down, I tried to warn them, if she gets sucked in, can't say I didn't try! The other sister is well aware and all the cousins are all highly suspicious of his reappearance out of nowhere. She told me she will let me know what transpired after they leave. Wish I was a few states away from my badbro!

That was cute Upset, it made me smile and I need that right now. I raised three boys and I can imagine them all doing that!

Heading out to the "circus" soon. Bringing meat loaf and all the fixings plus a home made lemon blueberry bundt cake. My family loves food and can be easily distracted by it. Hope it works today wish me luck!

I went to PJ's. I asked where to find a glass in the kitchen. He responded "any top cabinet". I found a glass. I asked why they weren't all in one place. He said the boys emptied the DW and put things where they wanted. His kitchen is spotless, but totally disorganized. The things one finds out about a house full of males.

Barb, UpsetSister, Trying, Veronica, thank you all for the helpful info! Hubby's brother would never qualify for Veterans benifits, as he didn't complete boot camp. Unable to pass 5th grade math and reading? I blame the parents for that! And yes, he was allowed to drop out of school at 14, Sheesh! The do not allow drop out in the military now, but back in the 70's they did.

I'll follow my husband's lead on the destruction of the ppwk and documents, but if they were my families, I would hold onto them for the family historical value, but I honestly don't care anymore. I just don't wish to hold onto and store others belongings, from this house to our next place, as storage is always an issue. Heck, I'm currently trying to condense my beloved 35 year Christmas decorations collection! Sheesh!

UpsetSister, thanks for the heads up about that CNN article! That is exactly what we are dealing with here, and the outlook is not good! Possible dialysis and chronic Renal disease? Uggg, how much more can this old guy take! And that only one part of the big picture here.

I'm going down to the hospital in awhile, and will quiz the Dr on his short and long term prognosis. Hubby says my FIL is very loopy and jabbering on about what should happen if something husband passes before him. He was also going about how he is going to work hard to get stronger and wants to go on vacation! He hasn't wanted to leave the house for years, unless it was a Dr's appointment. I'm thinking he thinks his end is near and it's scaring him a little. It's so sad to think he might be stressing over these things. I hate this stuff! On a nice note, every one of my kids showed up yesterday to see him. I got the best dang kids!

Stacy, On on-line CNN there is an article on rhabdomyelitis in today's news.

Stacy I don't know about the legality of destroying Govt documents, but if he needs medical care later on and is eligible for Veteran's care. You can take the whole mess somewhere they do shredding and get rid of it that way.
I might be tempted to hang onto MILs letters because even if you don't care this might be important family history for one of your descendants.

I hear you Barb. My Mom has a life line and when she fell two months ago she lay on the floor for four hours before she finally used it. Meanwhile my Dad who is very frail and has dementia was trying to help her up. Before that they had day-time help now they have 24/7 caretakers at home. Still Mom does risky stuff that could make her fall. Ugh As for paperwork I would probably only hold on to a few things like birth and marriage certificates and perhaps a bit of sentimental stuff. If there were any papers pertinent to my siblings it would be up to them to keep or throw. Stacey I'm not certain but I don't believe discharge papers and the like need to be preserved unless the person wants or needs them to apply for veterans services. I believe the armed services keeps records.

Things are spiraling out of control regarding Dad being at home. His level of need is rising very quickly. I just found out he is developing a sore on his coccyx and Mom is now feeding him by hand. Mom was doing this last week when I was there which concerned me. Last night I asked her if she was still doing that and she said yes but only until Dad gets better and that Dad liked for her to do it. I told her I thought Dad should feed himself if he can but she changed the subject.

Sis called me his morning to say she would once again be at the house when I brought dinner and to inform me that Mom is no longer allowed to feed Dad. I told her I agreed and had already spoken to Mom. This made her angry and she gave me a snarky retort about how I need to tell her when I see things like this (ahem, she was there last week too). I decided to stand up to her and asked her not to berate me for not reporting to her. She pushed it and I told her that unless I witnessed something that was life threatening I would leave the reports up to the caregivers because she becomes angry when I voice my concerns. She accuses me of interfering when I bring things up. Her answer was to say "your right, you are not there that often" and once again said I need to report what I see to her and to not let Mom feed Dad, with that she ended the call.

This is what my family does when they are frightened or anxious. They lash out. Sis also said she is unhappy with the caregivers and is going to have to talk to them. None of them are skilled in geriatric care and they are all doing their best given the dynamics between Mom and Dad. At this point Dad needs to be in a nursing facility or sis should bring in skilled professionals but Sis is trying not to go through there money. Not looking good, the worse the situation gets the more my family is going to lash out.

I might need to detach even more. I am considering switching to just visiting, when I decide to, instead of being on the schedule for Sat evenings. I will still bring food when I go because Mom and Dad like that but I don't want to be involved in my sisters agenda anymore. I also don't want to be part of the tempest that is brewing. I know I will become angry and resentful and nothing good will come of it. The only reason I would keep putting myself in that situation would be my own insecurities..so I'm not seen as the "sibling that doesn't help". Deep down I know better that. No matter what I do it will never be enough because the real issues is my families denial over the fact that my Dad is probably not going to be here a whole lot longer and Mom has untreated mental health issues.

I need to remind myself that they are all frightened and desperate, that it's not my fault and I can't fix it. I can however do what I need to protect myself and still find a way to keep love in my heart and anger away. I will try but this is really hard.

Stacey, I'm so sorry to hear about FILES fall and health issues!

Going forward, I'm glad h*ll be moved to the " assisted" level of care.

At my mom's Independent Living place, having a call bracelet was a non-negotiable, i think. If it's any comfort, it didn't help my mom when she fell in the bushes one day. She didn't push it hard enough " because I didn't want it to ring too loudly and disturb anyone". Neither did she yell for help; fortunately, one of the gardeners found her!

Thank you SharynM, sorry about that, as I mixed you up with a post from Send.

That is a good point, scanning all of it! And then send them the thumb drive I suppose. There are things like Bb"s Navy Discharge ppwk, and a whole lot more Drama type letters my MIL wrote to his Commanding Officer, Senators, Governors, and even the POTUS, trying to keep him in the Navy, how messed up is that! She was trying to convince them to keep Bb in the Navy, but he didn't pass the basic boot camp requirements for reading and arithmetic (5th grade level), so was honorably discharged.

 It's a wonder they kept this stuff all these years, as he is now in his 60's! One would think he would want this stuff, but that would shoot holes in his theory of being a Navy Seal and all, Lol! More lies, and just one of the many messed up things he did in his younger years. 

I want to just send it to him, but he told my hubby to destroy it, but not sure if you can destroy government documents. Interestingly, he does want his official Navy photo. Ever the Scam Artist! I'll figure it out.

Stacey, can you scan the paperwork to your computer then transfer to portable USB devices??

Correction! Sorry SharynM, I got you mixed up with Send, who mentioned holding onto notes and ppwk which she is unable or has yet to be rid of, and is causing her pain.

We have all these boxes of ppwk, and an old trunk full of things my inlaws held onto. Many of which pertains to my Bb and SIL, their bad decisions, judgements, and birth and service related documents. Some of it is birth certificates, my husband's 1/2 sisters parentage, pix and history type stuff about her natural father, that has nothing to do with us or my husband. But they are historical documents, that I've no idea what to do with. Destroy it, IDK?

We will have to be rid of it in some fashion before we eventually move, but I don't know yet how? What if it comes back to bite me in the butt? I just don't know.

UpsetSister, good to hear you are getting some one on one with PJ, and way to tell your brother, "My turn"! I got a kick out of that! Lol! You go girl!

Thanks Glad, it is going to be a rough one! Sorry AD is acting up again! Interesting that you got ts2's email, accidental or intentional? Hmmm........

Rainey, I don't think you have been around here long enough to hear All of my tales about my husband's "Bad" brother! He has a long time history of being a complete and utter Con Man, screwing everybody and Anybody out of their hard earned money (and I mean hundreds of thousands!), least of all my husband's parents! He's stiffed us for several thousand too, as well as rooked my husband out of a few cars over the years.

This guy has cheated on all of his 9 or ten wives that I know of, has broken up marriages and families, never had anything to do with the raising or child support of his own 3 children. He's a Real piece of work!

The first night I met him 33 years ago, (of Course I did not know him yet), my then New boyfriend (now husband) and I set him up with my single sister, and we had a double date. My sister had him figured out Right Away, and she refused to sit in the back seat of the car with him, which put Me in the back seat, and he then put the moves on me! Lol! Asking me to dump my hunny, and go out with him! Ick! He's a compulsive Liar, and Con Man extraordinaire! But somehow I still see a vulnerable soft spot in him, as to me, he is still a product of a very dysfunctional childhood. I just know he is Never to be trusted, ever!

It's so Sad you see, there is the poor boy who grew up with all that dysfunction, and then there's the man who turned out to be such a creep! How my husband survived all of that, yet turned out so well is beyond me! But he's a great guy! Good Dad, good hubby, good son, Weird! 

I do know my husband was basically out of the house at 16 when his parents moved 45 miles north during highschool, and lived in a room at his girlfriends, who's parents looked after him, and gave him great parental guidance through those formative years, so he did have that going for him.

It's amazing to me how my husband has not completely shut the door on his only brother (11 months older than him), but as his Dad's main caregiver, hubby has tried to walk the tightrope, to keep the family peace and the communications open for his Dad's sake, as all you caregivers with dysfunctional siblings know all too well. Man oh man, the stories I could tell, and because we have such a odd, one of a kind "made-up" last name and the same telephone number for the past 30 years, we have continuously gotten many phone calls over the years, from the many many people whom Bb has "screwed" over the years wanting to know where he is, and want their money back! It's horrible and terribly embarrassing!

But what can ya do, at least he lives several states away, and he doesn't affect our daily lives. It's unfortunately times like this, that we do need to be in contact, to let him know about his Dad and his ilness and hospitalization. And he uses that to his advantage, to worm his way back in! Oh Lordy, Bb, he's a piece of work! 

SharynM, you were mentioning the letters and ppwk that you need to be rid of., well we've loads of Old family ppwk and pics, very strange and incriminating ppwk that my FIL held onto all these years,  but had no room to take to AL, that either needs to be burned, or returned to its rightful owner, ie: bad brother, or horrible 1/2 sister, but in doing so, would only cause them embarrassment, anguish and pain, but some of it is legal documents and rightly theirs, so I don't know what to do with it? Here's to hoping that the destruction of painful old documents bring you relief! You deserve it! Hope the new homestead is shaping up nicely! ❤

PUT a fork in it, I'm done!😷

Email from AD tonight. Ugh! Let me know her SIL passed earlier this week. She had some sort of brain surgery in December. Then asks when I am going there for a visit. HA! I couldn't possibly do that. Well practiced. I couldn't afford it if I wanted to. Will never catch up with finances from that four years. I made it through but the impact on what I hoped would be a somewhat decent retirement is lost now. Then I get another email from her, intended for ts2 saying do not get sunburned in Laguna. Poor ts2.

Stacey,
LOL! You gotta be careful about those relatives, what was the saying? The road to h*ll was paved with good intentions? I unfortunately can't trust anyone in my family anymore.

Stacey, so sorry to hear about your FIL. Sure sounds like it will take time to get him to return to his previous status. Moves are so hard on all of us, especially the elderly. I am shocked this has happened, he had been doing so well. HUGS.

Scaredtaker, right you are about Rhabdomyolysis. I have been busy on the Internet, Googling all of the many diagnosis they have put down in my FIL'S chart, which I can access online.

Thank you all for the well wishes, but I have a feeling that this is going to be a long long road to recovery, if that is even possible.

It has been a crazy 2 days, keeping up with the kids, the Dr's, and fielding all of the calls from the hospital and my husband who calls every 5 minutes!

Yes, I too pray for a little rest in the next few days!

On another note, my hubby's brother is wanting to come up from Arizona, but he threatens this all the time, so he is the least of my worries. Hubby and I have been keeping him informed. On the other hand, he did tell me that he could finish painting the interior of our home, just to stay busy, hmmmm..... that could be one way to get a pound of flesh out of him, after all the care we've done for his Dad all these years! I might just be evil enough to take advantage of him! Naahhhh, as then I'd have to lock up all of my treasures, and he would probably expect payment! There's a Motel 6 nearby!

Stacey, so sorry to hear about your fil. It must have quite a shock. I hope he is resting comfortably now and I know will be top of it all. Prayers for his recovery as it may be some time for him with pneumonia!! I hope you and your hubby can get some rest, ((((hugs))))!!

Dear Stacey,
What a overwhelming experience you have had! I hope all gets back on track soon with your FIL. I do hope he will wear his alert button from this point on, my mother refuses as it is not fashionable enough to go with her outfits. So much more important to look good than be safe 😉. I hope the staff takes care to also look in on him more regularly under the circumstances.

It's going to be another 90 some degree weekend, so, I will be hiding. Upset, hope you enjoy yourself this weekend. I agree, time heals but one must have that time to be able to think of forgiveness and putting things where they " belong." Hard to come to terms with large portions of life you will never get back.

Stacey, I'm so sorry about your FIL. I hope he gets back to his prior status. I'm sure it will be tough for him.

Rainey, I understand not wanting your brother in your life. I feel the same way about my badbro and his family. The caregiving does eat up parts of your life you can never get back. I completely lost 2010 - Nov 2016. Gone forever. And there were large parts of other years that I missed. I can't get  back time that I missed with my grandchildren when they were babies. That's gone forever and I blame my Mom and her narcissism and my brother and his family for not helping. Maybe someday I'll get past it, but right now it's too new. I'm getting ready to go to PJ's. Due to some magic alignment of the planets or something...none of his boys are home tonight. I told my brother I was going out and he wanted to go with me. A very firm, but polite no way - he's on his own this evening. Hope everyone is getting their weekend off to a good start.

Stacey - when you said crushing injury, I thought rhabdo immed - very very hard on kidneys (it is when muscle cells leak into the bloodstream from inury) and happens a lot in extreme sports/fitness believe it or not (crossfit has the largest rep for this happening to participants.). I have a friend who is a crossfit major competitor and had had this twice - each time it can get worse and kidney issues are a major concern.

Best wishes to you - you sound like a wonderful person

Send, FIL's next door neighbor, my sister's MIL, was only just released from the hospital with PNEUMONIA the day before, she is quite deaf, and was in bed recovering herself. I'm sure that this is going to be a learning lesson for all the staff, too bad it had to have happened in the first place. Vut again, this came on fairy quickly and couldn't have been predicted. That is the nature of the beast called Pneumonia, per the Dr! It hits them fast, when they are or are nearly Septic.

Don't worry, I will see to it that checks are unforced, once things return to normal, if they do! Plus a life alert neclace, but often those don't work either as folks don't push the button! It's now time to step him up to a higher level of care.

Update, FIL as I said has Pneumonia, and we have notified the staff at AL of this. As for them not finding him after so many hours on the floor, it was an unfortunate oversight, and not entirely their fault, as FUL had his choice of going to 2 of the 3 meals per day, and they too were "just about to go looking for him", so they said. Not my most urgent worry, as he has so many things stacked against him right now.

With him being on the floor for so long, he has what is called a crushing injury to the muscles of where he was pinned for so long . This leads to complications of many chemicals released into his bloodstream once moved, the hypothermia did not help matters any.

Once thes chemicals are released into the bloodstream, they reek havoc with the kidneys, as they plug up the tiny vessels, furthering damage to his already compromised kidneys. He also has Scepticemia, and the hits keep coming. Rhabdomiolysis (sp?) Is another dx they are splashing about, but none of it is good, on top of the Cardiomyopathy heart failure, as the Dr said, a perfect storm of bad bad things for him to overcome on his already compromised system, his age and frailty, so he is definitely not out of the woods by any means.

Please pray for my FIL, thanks all!

Yes, CMagnum!
Something easy to type in the search bar! How about :
"Caregivers Behaving with forgiveness" ???
"To Forgive, or Not to Forgive"
"The Health Benefits of Forgiveness"

Really pertinent for me, because I still view those incidents as traumatic memories.

Cmagnum, Good suggestion. I've recommended that to people to get something off their minds, but not in the context of forgiveness. I'm going to give it a try. I definitely need to work on that.

Sounds reasonable. However, I don't believe that forgive and forget is possible or many times even safe. It's more how we handle the memory than having the memory itself. I wonder if I should start a thread on the topic of forgiveness?

CMagnum,
Thinking that I am conflicted. There are personal notes that I have made that help me remember what others have done, and why I need to avoid involvement. It is not always at the top of my awareness when they want to use me. With other people, going 100% no contact has worked for me.
Then, throwing out all this paperwork may be better for me.
That is the conflict, and I think the existence of the paperwork is torturing me.

Thanks for starting this thread.  You are correct, the forgiveness releases us, it is for us.
And, it needs to be repeated.  There is a great peace that comes with forgiveness, and we don't need to be blind to what was done.  I gave up my right to take revenge willingly.

My wife never told her abuser that she was forgiven for she will never admit that she abused her or her sister. Neither would mine. Our choice to forgive was for our own benefit, not for theirs. It is tough. It often takes a long time and sometimes has to be repeated, but it is possible.