The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Stacey,
How is the family member who moved next door?
Do you still have confidence in the staff?
Asking, because in AL, I thought staff checked on residents each morning, in addition to noting when they came to lunch.

Stacey,
Not discounting one bit how serious this is for your Fil, and how that makes you feel.
I just want to add that it is now apparent how well you took care of him in your home all those years. So be encouraged by that.

And, confirms to other caregivers how others, even health professionals, do not always assess the elder as requiring more care, or see what the caregiver sees.

And, imo....shows how the elder can hide their decline or even lie to everyone, but just for so long. Your Fil is ill, and I am very sorry about that. He requires more care than you and hubs can provide, there is no guilt in that, and it is not your fault, not your doing. You and hubs have got this, you can still be proud of your caring for him.
Love,
from Send

Hi all, hubby and I have just been through a very exhaustive day in the care of my FIL.

Yesterday, hubby went over to see his Dad at the AL, and found him on the floor, in only his underwear (as he sleeps), delirious and wedged between his desk and chest of drawers. He thought he was dead. He finally got him to respond a little and called 911.

Apparently he had been on the floor for at least 16 hours (his TV was on from the previous night), and was unable to move himself, and after he came to a bit, he said he tried to pound on the wall and calling out, but nobody heard him, not surprising as the walls are concrete. He also did refuse an alert neclace, when he moved in two months ago, we will remedy that now of course.

FIL was rushed to the ER, where many tests were done, as well as hydration and he was also extremely hypothermic, so they warmed him back up, over the course of the day.

It was found that he has Pneumonia, and he had a white count of 22, which is enormously high as less than 9 is normal. A head CT showed No brain bleed, thank God!

Strangely, he was just seen on Tuesday this week by his new Cancer Dr, who also did do a physical exam, but he did not mention any lung congestion or issues, hmmmm? I cannot worry about that now.

His EKG was abnormal (he has an very old infarction, from a silent heart attack he had years ago), and a cardiac ultrasound was ordered.

Later in the day, the Cardiologist came in to speak with my hubby and FIL, and hubby had the Dr speak with me over the phone. He said my FIL has Severe Cardiomyopathy and is in Congestive heart failure, as well as being dx'd as "failure to thrive" which he said is quite common in the older folks. He has lost a lot of weight over the past 2 months, despite saying that he is eating So Much! The Dr said that if her were stronger or younger, he would have had him in the Cardiac Cath Lab doing that evaluation, but that his health and heart are so compromised at the moment, he wouldn't survive it, and he may never get well enough to the point where one might be done. He also said that stents would not be enough, and that bypass surgery would be too much stress on him, so they are going the medications route, in hopes to improve it just a little bit. Perhaps on down the road, and IDC (INTERNAL DEFIBRILLATOR) and pacemaker could be placed, but again, down the road.

There are ways too many imminent things wrong, to deal with that right now.

On the positive front, I spoke with the Hospitalist this morning, and she found him sitting up and eating his breakfast! She was amazed, as his chart notes played a much grimmer picture! She said it it was these old codgers that always amaze her.

So, he will be staying for a few days, on IV antibiotics to treat the Pneumonia (white count was 22!), and get him stable.

The Cancer Dr ordered chest/Abd/pelvic CT, so this is to be done today.

I pray he is in there long enough (3 days) to be able to qualify for rehab afterwards, to be built up the best he can be, before returning to AL. I will push for this, as He is very ill and needs it so badly. If only he were more compliant in the follow through, as he has has OT/PT before in our home, but fails to stick with the exrecise program, but he won't be given many options if he doesn't, this time, grrr!

While hubby has been saying that FIL IS getting weaker and more frail, and that he is "losing his mind Stacey", It never dawned on me that he could have been this sick! My FIL does not complain about his health, ever! He is always "Perfect!"
He tells me that he is eating well and enjoys the food, and is happy there, so this did come as a surprise to me, but it shouldn't have. Of course I know that infection isn't always easily identified in the elderly, but d*mn!

It was the "Perfect Storm", said the Cardiologist, and I told him that I felt horribly guilty, as we have only just placed him after having him with us for 13 years, but he said that he was dealing with a very simular experience in his own family right now, and that we shouldn't feel bad about this, but still I do. It is very sad to see him like this, he is very pale, dark dark circles, battered and bruised from the fall. If my husband hadn't found him, it might have been too late, as he was so cold, only 92 degrees.

We dont blame The Assisted living place. They told my husband as he walked in the door that they were about to check on him, as he hadn't gone to lunch, his usual first meal of the day. He often gets morning cofee in the main hall, but could easily have been missed by the staff. I guess this really shook up the staff, as they have come to Love him there, and tell my husband often, they are very affection towards him in a nice family sort of way. Thankfully he's being seen to now, and man oh man he will have loads of follow up, once he's better, and hopefully he does get better!

Also, he is an independent, not considered "Assisted", so this too shall likely change, as he will need to be managed more closely but the Nursing staff front here on out, but that was the category/rating that their Nurse gave him, upon evaluation of entry to the AL place. Things can change quickly when your in your 87!

Thanks and More later! Stace

I had written a scorching letter to him, a year ago or so, letting him finally hear what the long term effects of his abuse has had on my life and lots of other things like him turning all that is currently wrong in his life into my fault, even though he had been the root cause of every one of them. I had every intention of sending it but then I remembered who I was dealing with and realized it was futile. He does not listen to reason, he will continue to blame me no matter what, so why even try? He still can't even take responsibility for what he has already done in the past so why should things change now? I saved that letter along with all of his, if it is ever necessary, I will release them to the proper individuals. I did send copies to my Aunt in Chicago so she knew the truth of what has been going on here instead of his one sided false accusations. He is making a trip there so I felt it was in their best interest to know who they were dealing with. Upset, I cannot fathom forgiveness for a life he stole from me and still is trying to wreak havoc however he can. Someone who is truly sorry would back off and heed my wishes. He would do anything to make things right. He has done neither. I long for the day I do not have him to worry or think about anymore. It will happen someday. My life is already easily half over, and he still haunts me. My thoughts are becoming filled with regret for ever agreeing to care for Mom even though she wanted that. Had I known what was in store for me, I would have said No. I realize that seems cold but nothing in the world is worth this, it's a bit late to reverse course now so I guess I will have to ride out the storm again and just be ready for the green eyed monster to keep trying to pull me down into the depths along with him. I will try my best not to allow that but I am growing tired of the battle.
He wants my forgiveness for two reasons:
1) He wants to feel good about himself so he can be free of his guilt.
2) He wants access to the property again therefore having his power back over me. Then I will have to deal with him in my face again and there is just no way after how he has attacked me in writing and verbally to everyone else.
Not gonna happen. I already made it clear he can see Mom anytime, just not here. Whatever you take from him, that is the one thing he will focus on, not the "spending quality time with Mom" bit, it's about me telling him to stay off the property. He did not spend much time here when he was allowed to come, he always was taking her somewhere she could pay for his and his family's lunch or shopping for things he wanted at her expense. This is all a power struggle, not what he claims. So forgive him? Not in the cards right now.

Thanks! My wife buried her letter to her abuser as her way of forgiving and letting things go. I do find that sometimes just writing the things down to forgive is hard work. Forgiving others helps us spiritually as well as emotionally and physically.

Cmagnum, Good suggestion. I've recommended that to people to get something off their minds, but not in the context of forgiveness. I'm going to give it a try. I definitely need to work on that.

cmag - I have done similar. It does help - even just writing things down helps.

Rainey, My Mom kept her head in the sand about a lot of things regarding my brother and his family. It's still hard to accept. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

While I still have some forgiveness work to complete, I did find one tangible action to be helpful in dealing with some major forgiveness about some very serious pains. I wrote a letter to them in which I listed what they did to me and concluded with a forgive you by which I meant taking them and what they did out of my hands and putting them in God's hands to deal with. My therapist and I went outside so that we could burn the letter and then cast the ashes to the wind as a symbolic means of letting it go. That was a very freeing experience. Maybe this example will be helpful for others.

rainey - yes, one memory can set us back. For that reason, it is very hard for a person who has been abused to do caregiving. Hope you are feeling better soon. Being robbed makes you extra careful by necessity now.

I am sorry you did not have a formal opportunity to mourn the loss of your bro. Your mother has been in deep denial. Have you thought of doing a memorial of some sort yourself for your bro? I do something most years in memory of my son. It might be a dinner out with his sibs at his fave restaurant, or a trip to the mountains that he loved, I had a park bench put up on the trail across from the house where he used to run. It has a plaque in memory of him. Sometimes I put flowers on the bench on his anniversary, or a single red rose where he was assaulted. I have a playlist in Youtube of sad songs which include some of his favourites and I listen to them when I need to. There are many ways to help ourselves with our grief. I don't think you can forget things like no funeral. It is another loss - a secondary loss. Part of the work of grieving is adjusting to the losses. There were things that happened related to my son's death that were very hard to take. I haven't forgotten them, but they sting less than they did.

upset - I Identify with the lady in your group who forgave on an ongoing basis for her own peace, and am not surprised that there were others who didn't.

Part of my perspective is that research has shown that forgiveness is been connected with better mental and physical health. e.g.
"The more forgiving people are, the fewer symptoms of mental disorders they experience, according to a study published in the Journal of Health Psychology. The researchers suggested that teaching forgiveness may be a valuable mental health early intervention strategy." from an article by Rob Wipond September 4, 2014

Everett Worthington has a model for the work of forgiving which looks good.

It is very difficult dealing with people with personality disorders, and that includes forgiving them, but it does reduce our stress.

(((((((hugs))))) to both of you.

Dealing with a sore throat and a slow computer today. Gargled, took Cold FX, sucked zinc lozenges etc. and am starting to feel better. Downloaded another anti-malware program that I used to use, and ran it and, though it didn't find a lot of junk, the computer seems to be running a bit better.

R is coming up tonight and I had hoped to have everything in order, shopping done etc but he will have to make do with what I have, as I didn't go anywhere today due to the sore throat. Have a good night everyone.

The group that I facilitated today was on a topic we've discussed this week - forgiveness. One of the women has been dealing with a brother and sister who will not help with their mother. She wanted to take a 3-day weekend to go camping with her husband and two teenagers. Her sibs would not stay with their mother nor would they help pay for someone to care for her. She said she told them that she forgave them daily for their treatment of her mother and herself. She told them she did it for her own peace. Others were vocal that they didn't think they could ever forgive.

My brother and I talked about it this afternoon. He says he thinks what goes around, comes around. I think our other brother's problems are a manifestation of his own insecurities and his narc personality and also the insecurities of his wife and children and their mean-spirited personalities.

Golden,
Just to put more of a perspective of my brothers death, Mom refused to have a funeral for him. Out and out refused it. I had everyone calling me asking when the funeral was going to be and I had to say, "Mom doesn't want one." I was so embarrassed. She has always gone through her life in denial of things she didn't want to face, there is part of my frustration with her to this day. She has never protected me, never honored my brother's life, many other poor decisions that impacted the rest of us. Sticks her head in the sand like an ostrich and hopes it will magically go away. Hard to just forget all that at times.

Upset,
Your good brother will go through his process. I foresee in the end, you and he will become much closer. I would love to see that happen. Lean on each other to help process. The two of you will be a force against anything badbro will attempt to throw your way.
Golden told me you started up 4 groups and are a facilitator, how amazing you are! Maybe there can be online groups with our technology, when you are responsible for a parent with dementia, hard to sneak away for a few hours. Just today, still not feeling well, was lying down in the afternoon and I told Mom not to open our gate to anyone. To come get me or husband when he is home. Damned if she didn't open the gate and THEN come get my husband. He told me he was just outside a few moments before.
We were recently just robbed as you know. She cannot be trusted to make sound decisions anymore. Next move is to lock the side gate so she can't open it anymore. *Sighs* Wish I knew how to not feel so darn frustrated with her but the past is a nasty thing that comes back at inappropriate times and takes a lot not to get upset at times.
Tryingmybest put it so well when she said, "forgiveness is a work in progress and sometimes it takes just one memory trigger to bring you back to square one." I can relate.

Thx sharyn and rainey

rainey I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I can see you had a special relationship with him. I know the missing stays.

I miss my son's smile. It lit up the room. I look forward to seeing him in heaven one day. I have peace that God's timing in his life was perfect and that he is in a better place, but I have pain from losing him.

Golden,
I do truly get your pain of the loss of your son. I stood right next to my mother through the whole thing. Even though I could not relate on a mother level, she poured her heart out to me so much, I do have a pretty good idea. It was her first born, he was very special despite his addictions, I loved him dearly and he was the only brother I was really close to, we would pour our guts out to each other, that was never the case with my other brothers. He always treated me as an equal, not just, "his little sister" and that meant the world to me. I was the last one to see him and tell him how much I loved him, for that I am grateful. Nobody else got that chance. I knew he was suffering, I knew the pain he was in, but I told him he had to be the one to make the decision that his life would not be ruled by drugs. I could be there for moral support anytime day or night but ultimately it was his decision. I could not chain him up and force him to stop. I was honest with him. When I found out he had succeeded, I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a 2 X 4. I knew he was miserable and had lost his business, his marriage, his new relationship that gave him a ray of hope, he just didn't want to fight the fight anymore. I have come to feel peaceful for him because the only reason I would wish him back here would be for my own selfish reasons, because I miss him. I would not wish him back to the pain and struggle that was the reality of his life. I picture him at peace hanging out with my Grandmother that adored him more than anything. That is how cope and I do not feel sorrow anymore. I hope to see him again someday and see his happy smiling face looking back at me.

Golden, all I say is big ((((hugs))))!!! I can't imagine how difficult it can be.

trying and upset - thank you. No one who has not gone through child loss can fathom the pain. I have lost many people and thought I knew a lot about loss, which, in the :normal sense, I guess I did. But, losing my child put me in an entirely different ball game. I know enough to honour and feel my feelings. I was even able to revisit my memories of his last moments. We want connection with our beloveds. Grief is very tiring and I struggle with that these days.

trying - you have worked out very good coping strategies. There are some behaviours I will label as bad, or destructive. That is different from labelling a person and needed for self protection. Some people frequently have behaviours that are destructive/toxic to me so I need to avoid them. Yes, it is empowering.

upset - I am sorry for what good bro is going through. It does make grief more complicated. As you say, other than you being there and understanding, he has to go through it himself. Grief is lonely business. Very nice of pj's family to include him activities. We need time out in the middle of going through our tough emotions.

Golden, I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. I cannot fathom the pain of that loss. I obsess over my son and grandchildren and their safety.

My brother is having a very difficult time with all that he has found out about Mom. He believed for years that Mom was neglectful during my Dad's illness. She was, but it made no difference in the outcome. Dad had kidney failure and there was nothing that could be done. Now that memory along with everything else is very difficult for him. But I can't do much for him, these are things he has to resolve himself.

He is having a good time on his vacation here. He is at PJ's son's bar this evening. Stevenin ited him to come visit. He used to tend bar years ago when he was in graduate school. I'm glad he's enjoying himself.

Golden - My heart goes out to you over the loss of your son. I cannot imagine the depth of grief you must feel when it washes over you. You are in my prayers.

Ah, forgiveness and family. A work in progress indeed. I can go a long time thinking I have let my resentments go only to have a behavior or painful memory trigger me back to square one. There are two things that help me get back on track.

First I remind myself that I will never know what it is like to walk in someone elses shoes. I believe that most peoples bad behaviors stem from fear and an inability to cope with lifes challenges in a healthy way. I have found that judging others is dangerous to my serenity. Especially when I judge myself as "good" and others "bad". I do believe in accountability, that is not the same thing as judgement When I let go of judgment and resentment it is much easier to forgive.

The second thing I tell myself is that it is my responsibility to take care of myself. That includes protecting myself from harmful people or situations. If I can do that with loving detachment and setting boundaries then great. Sometimes though I need to stay away entirely. There is empowerment in taking charge of my own well being. I try to let go of victim mentality and become accountable to myself. Forgiving others is a lot easier when I feel empowered.

trying - I remember you mentioned that your dad was struggling and sis was expecting more from him. I am so sorry she and your mum are in such denial. Your poor dad! It must be very hard for you to watch. I agree that the idea of rehooking up the commode ever night is fraught with problems.

sharyn - I don't wonder that the twins run you and hubs ragged. You will need a holiday soon!

Margeaux - how are you???

If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me. I am somewhat preoccupied these days.

upset - Even if only to get out, it is still serving an important purpose. I am sure you are a great facilitator and you are a great participant here.

rainey - upset started 4 groups after her mother died. She facilitates two of them.

re forgiveness - been thinking about that, and my son's upcoming 15th anniversary in heaven, and needing to spend time with my "sad songs". One lady from a web group, who lost a young adult son too, made up a CD with a collection of "loss songs" and created individual covers if we sent her an image of our kid, and sent them out. I just found mine have been listening to it. This year it is hitting me harder than it has for a while, no doubt due to those meds errors mother got and some anticipatory grieving.

Strangely, I realise it was easier to forgive the young man for what he did to my son, that to forgive family. Maybe because it was a one time event, and he did not intend the outcome. He just wanted to beat him up. Now, dealing with the loss is far more horrendous than dealing with anything my family has done to me. Losing a child is on another plane from other losses I have experienced. You don't know how a person in such pain as you are can still live. Rainey, I am very sorry your mother has to go through that. The Compassionate Friends is a good group.

I always forgave my mother on an ongoing basis and she is pretty well past hurting me now. My sister is another kettle of fish, and can and does still hurt, so I stay away. I think she is the one I have most difficulty with as she instigated much of what came my way with lies, twisted tattling and so on. Forgiveness of her is a work in progress. I find I have little compassion for her. I know the ideal is detach with love. I am working on it.

Got my nails done a shimmery chartreuse - nice for the summer. Have a good day everyone.

Group therapy is not for everyone. I consider myself a good group facilitator, but not the best group participant. I think our group for many is simply 90 minutes away from their responsibilities. This thread has been great for me. Welcoming and helpful.

east - hope your mother gets proper care -without you involved!

ali - no catch as far as I can see - his morals are lacking. Those guys don't know how to be friends. Too bad about the basement and renting issues. How is the job search going?

upset - good bro had a reality check re bad bro. It's hard. I am glad he is helping you. Yes, if you can caregive you can do anything. Add "and survive an evacuation" for me. What a lovely idea for the men to build a ramp. That is great community spirit. You are a go getter!

rainey - sibs have no idea of the work we do. I am not sure they feel any guilt. They seem to be clueless about lots of things.

re posts about safety in neighbourhoods , we never locked the doors where I grew up. It was a small town and little crime. Montreal, when I was a young adult, was another thing. You locked up and the apartment still was broken into. Coming out west was safer and I didn't lock my doors here for years and years. Then cars started to be burgled if you left them unlocked, so everything got locked then. Years ago my oldest son consoled me by saying that the street east of us had newer and fancier houses so I need not worry.

Upset,
Sounds like you found a good group. I know there is one close by here but it is at 7 to 10pm on Wednesdays's, not a terribly convenient time for me to go but may eventually try it out. I am not so much a group type person so this is my outlet and I thank god for it. Looking after Mom is my number 1 job now. I am sure a group may be all the more enlightening as to how many more of us are out there struggling with the same issues, greedy siblings, absentee siblings and the frustration of it all being put upon usually one that actually cares enough to put ourselves in our parents shoes. So sad how our society has become the generation of self entitlement. As I have said, if my brothers even had the slightest clue all I do for that lady and how many times I have saved her life already, they might, just might, back off in their derogatory remarks and accusations. All they care about is the almighty dollar that does not belong to or earned by them. I could care a less if Mom dies with a dime left to her name, as long as she is not destitute or has to rely on the State to give her the bare minimum of treatment, I know I will have done right by her. My brothers can carry the guilt that they did nothing to help, if they are even capable of seeing past their own justifications.

Just got back from caregivers group. The groups have realigned themselves. This one is essentially a group that have siblings who won't help, criticize, try to hold onto moneyfor their inheritances, etc. This group mainly is a safe, confidential place to vent and escape. They are a nice group of women. Some of them are caregiving without support, poor financial resource and in unsafe environments. Trying to find some resources for them. I have arranged for some men from a local church to build a ramp with handrails for a lady who can't do her front steps any longer.

I don't know how anyone in LA affords rents - there's something like 10,000 units under construction in high rise towers all over downtown at ridiculous rents for studios but then the millennials aren't home bodies - they're out eating at the new restaurants and driving leased BMWs

When old suburban homes are going for nearly a million, a bubble has got to burst

Gershun,
I had some miserable interviews when I was unemployed - the process is draining - I remember thinking, I just want to have a pleasant conversation with a couple of people and be given an offer - eventually that is exactly what happened

Hang in there

Dearest Ali,
Hold your head high and believe in yourself, you will make it happen, it may take patience but it is worth it. Most of us live paycheck to paycheck no matter how much money you make. The more you make, the more they take! You would fall over to see the prices and what you get where I live, talk about insanity! You must be very saavy with money, investments, to get yourself above the water line. As you can already attest to, owning a house is a never ending expense and renting is paying off someone else's mortgage. From the headache of finding good workers to do any remodeling job right to getting a landlord to come fix a problem they don't want to spend the money to fix, it's always gonna be some kind of pain in the rear.
Regarding Mr. Cat's meow, it never ceases to amaze me how men want to risk hurting the wife and children just to get some extra goodies because they are no longer satisfied. Stay far far away, it certainly speaks to his personality! Again, hold out for the person who will put you before all others preferably without just leaving a ready made family. Sometimes, it all boils down to patience. I was a total late bloomer. I did not get married until I was 43! We were together for 10 years prior but neither of us wanted kids so we saw no need to rush.
Do concentrate on getting yourself on the right track first, your new place, your career, get that balanced out then you can see how another will fit into your new life. It will be worth the wait when it's done right. Patience pays off. 😉
Besides, you don't need anyone to distract you from your goals right now. Believe in you and things will start working out.

Most unemployment offices have training in job search skills, including interviewing. They also have classes in Microsoft office products. Check out online classes, many are free. If old enough universities have programs that we older ones can take classes for free or minimal fees. Check out coursera for one.

FF, I think I have forgotten how to do the whole professional business voice thing and to be honest I never was one of those poles up the butt type of business women. You can be professional without looking like you haven't smiled in fifty years in my opinion. I'll keep on looking....:)