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Hi all, I'm reading and keeping up, seems everything and everyone is ok. I hope so. Upset, it's good to know your younger bro is leaving older bro alone to himself. Let them figure things out for themselves, like you said.

I've had a few bumps the past few weeks from discontinuing my SSRI, but I have hope that worst is over. I feel much more clear headed now. I'd prefer taking something, a small dose for a mood stabilizer, but if I can't find something without side effects... I'll do without for now.

I continue the hunt to find a place in Chicago, and bad things are happening. Yesterday, as I sat in my car having a snack and going over the listings I'd seen this weekend (about 7 apartments I looked at, most far too small), a 20 something man started trying to tear off my car antenna. I yelled at him, told him to get away, that I was calling police. He didn't seem the least bit fazed but did finally wander on. I was in a shock for a bit -- why was he trying to get my car antenna? Then I realized that my car windows were cracked down so I could get some air while I had my snack and he couldn't see me due to my having the shades up and tint in the windows. So... he was likely planning to try to steal my car and the antenna wire would be the tool to get inside the window and open the lock?

I'm seeing Chicago for what it is, warts and all. I don't feel great about things. There are nice neighborhoods and nice people, too, of course.

And I keep thinking that now is the time for change, any change, that I want to make. And where would I go if I could go anywhere? Santa Clara, the tech capital of the US. That's where I'd go.

I thought I could not afford rents there, but I looked and... I could. I'd have pretty much the same 6 month buffer that I'd have in Chicago.

I'm going to look into it some more.

I'm not trying to be hasty, I just... Chicago is awful in some ways. I could stay and make the best of it, sure I could. Maybe I'll spend this week considering some other locations, though.

The only thing I need is a clear head and courage to do whatever it is that needs doing. I have a guaranteed place in Chicago with landlord friend, I saw the 1 bedroom that is a bit more money but it has enough space and storage, and that would work fine if need be.

Something has been nagging at me about Chicago. It has good, it has bad, it's a big city. But I had 2 wallets picked inside of a week, one over July 4th weekend, another at West Fest the next weekend. I need to be much more careful. Ok, I can do that. Then this kid is trying to steal my car with me in it??! I just don't know about this... :-/

I will find my way, of course. I just have some things to think about. Thanks for letting me share this. I'll get through it, it's not serious. Having OPTIONS is a wonderful thing!
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Golden,
Oh jeeeez, I just read your comment that you lost your son!!!! Oh my God, I am so sorry!!!!! I will never forget losing my oldest brother, different circumstances but never the less, awful! 😥
My mother was a wreck, I was heartbroken, but I knew the odds were not in his favor being a heroine addict so I kind of mentally prepared myself for the inevitable. Yours was completely different and I can't imagine what you went through! * HUGS*
My heart is with you and you are an absolutely amazing woman. I went to a support group too with Mom for about a year for parents who lost a child called "The Compassionate Friends." I know it helped her not feel so isolated in her grief, she had become so lost I had to do something. I truly understand.
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Golden,
You are right. It is a nightmare because as long as Mom is with me, he will not stop. Hard to move on under those trying circumstances. I am afraid I will just have to wait and know someday, it will happen. For now, I must be on guard for whatever he decides to throw at me next. Thankfully, I have a husband I know he would not want to tangle with. As much as my husband does not want to get in the middle, if push comes to shove, he will shove! We also must be careful not to do anything he could possibly use against us in a court of law. That is why my husband has warned me about writing him back, he say's, "Put NOTHING in writing he can use against you." He is always thinking like a lawyer. My irish temper can get the best of me at times and I have to cool my jets.
Upset,
You and I are on the same page it seems regarding the forgiveness thing, and from what you have said, it is hard to get there when they are still a constant thorn in your side. I am so happy to hear you have one good brother, I sure wish I did. If only my oldest brother was still alive to slap him silly for me and tell him to knock it off! My other brother told me I should "let it go" so we could go back to pretending we were all a happy little normal family. Again, this was put back on me for causing the rift in the family because I finally stood up for myself (after all my years of silence for everyone else's benefit, (including my own) because I was still living under the same roof as he was. I am done with pretending. I realize I will always be the one to blame and there is nothing I can say or do that will change anything. Amazing how the one who is abused becomes the pariah. I miss my oldest brother. We were friends despite his own personal struggles. He and I would laugh and joke around all the time. I pray I see him again someday and I hope he is at peace.
Glad to hear you are going forward with your indoor porch, I know you will LOVE that and get much enjoyment out if watching wildlife without being eaten alive by the flying creatures! Absolutely worth it 👍
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Barb, I loved your set of lines for East. Absolutely perfect!
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The hard part of forgiving ( for me) was I confused it with resuming the relationship with the offender and wiping the slate. When I realized it was not that and it was for me and me alone to release my anger and burden. Forgiveness is not a one time action, I had to do it daily, reminding myself to release it. Wow!!! What a weight lifted off my shoulders when I no longer carried all that garbage.

Yesterday hubs and I had the boys from 7:30-4. We were beat. I had a horrible headache all day as well. Today I woke with my sinuses plugged. I must be allergic to some weed pollens as this month has been hard for me.

Stacey, you definitely deserve this time. Hands on caregiving takes its toll on people. Enjoy every minute my dear!!

East eagle, Barb posted good info re FOG ( fear, obligation, and guilt). Toxic people are experts at using FOG to control others. You can read more about online.

Upset, so happy to hear your goodbro's decision and actions.  Enjoy his visit. 

Enjoy you evening everyone.
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Yes it is. I remember when my youngest son was killed deciding very early that I would forgive the young man that did it. It was not a feeling, but a choice. In grief groups I attended, many of those whose child had died at the hand of another, had trouble forgiving. I don't believe in the "forgive and forget." That, to me, offers license to repeat the offense. I think forgive, but remember and protect yourself where possible, though it may be difficult to do that at times.

So glad you are having a lovely time with good bro. You mentioned earlier having only him. Essentially, my family of origin ended when my father died. Both my mother and sister have personality disorders. However, I do have my kids. Sounds like you have planned well for your future care. Dil is a family asset!

stacey - you do deserve it You have been in the front lines of caregiving for a very long time. I know you and your hub love one another, But a little "me" time is good.
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Forgiveness is a struggle for many people. I used to hear it in therapy sessions and now I hear at group sessions. My Mom used to tell me to forgive and forget. My comeback was I'll do that when you and J change your ways. It's all too fresh for me to go down that road. I spend my time refocusing to other things and trying not to be part of dysfunction.

Good bro and I went out to dinner. This is his first real vacation in a few years. Tomorrow contractor is coming to look at my porch and give me an estimate. Bro says he is going to try kayaking on the lake. PJ is taking him to play golf Tuesday at his club. I hope he has a good, relaxing time while he is here. He thinks my walk-in tub is great. Says that might be. Retirement accessory he needs.

Rainey, Hope you're feeling better. Bad bros are the worst of course sisters can be equally trying. I'm fortunate to have my youngest brother. He's turned out to be the best. I enjoy his company and he has a wicked good sense of humor.

Golden, I think good bro has made good decision with my son and DIL. She is a CPA for a national insurance company and she has handled trusts, estates. POA's for several of her family members. I have her and my good bro as medical and regular POA with my attorney should they be needed. I hope I've planned well for when I need help.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend.
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Golden, you are right, I do deserve this break, after having my FIL in our home for so many years!

In all actuality, my husband is a real sweetheart, but man oh man can he talk! He's one of those guys who chitchats all throughout a movie or program, or talks about things (mainly cars or his Dad's never ending needs), all the while I am
watching said movie, or reading online. After all these years together, I have gotten very good at ignoring him (in the kindest of ways, lol), and murmuring "hmm, yup, oh yes, I hear ya, yes dear", and carry on with what I'm doing, lol!,

He doesn't have a bad bone in his body, except for his indecision on what to do about our selling or staying on in our home. But that too is a two way, ongoing decision that we will make together, but it is really weighing on him. Probably because he does the majority of the physical upkeep, so I do get it!

I still feel it is too early to decide, however we do want to continue to ready our home and property with that as the end goal, so we keep plugging along. Mainly, we do not want to miss the mark, on when the property bubble bursts, but at the moment our area's home values are still on the rise.

Ideally, we sell at just the right time, maybe rent a little while, and then purchase our next place, and then again, that's 2 moves and frankly I hate moving, it's such a pain!

So many moving parts, and our emotions tied up in loving this home and all of the memories we have created here together.

In the end it's just Stuff, and in our comfortable and stable financial situation, we don't need to rush into anything, and may even choose to Never buy again?

We both are on fixed retirement incomes, our home is nearly paid off, and because my husband's retirement income is a government pension and tax free, and mine is SSD, we don't benifit of writing off any property taxes, or even interest on our remaining mortgage or even future mortgage we may end up getting. Soon many decisions, and too much time to dwell on it, stuffed up each others butts!

This is the age old problem of how are we going to deal with each other, once we retire type scenario, and we're doing alright. He's just a man, and he gets on my nerves, lol! But other than that he is as good as gold to me! Happy wife still!
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rainey -yes it is. I have forgiven in my heart, but never to family out loud. It would mean nothing to them as they think they have never done any wrong. It means something to me, as I have released that burden. To me, forgiveness does not equal absolution. He has to repent for that. Forgiveness or not, he will go on being the same selfish person, it seems. That is one reason I have cut contact to almost nil with my sister. Less contact means less abuse and less for me to deal with and forgive. I agree that once they are out of your life, it is much easier. (((((hugs)))) It must be so hard with your mother at home and bro wanting to use her.

Mother is doing ok, thanks, having recovered from the wrong drug/dosage. I am still following up.
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Golden,
Super hard to forgive when he consistantly haunts me by hurling false accusations at me and other awful things. I know that once he is out of my life, then I can move on to that level. At this point, he is waging war against me so forgiveness is not in the forefront of my mind. The last thing I will give him is what he wants most now. He wants to feel absolved of his horrible conduct so he can go on being the same old selfish shmuck he always has been without his own guilt to carry. If I ever do forgive him, he will never hear it from my mouth.
How are things with you and your Mom?
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upset - good for good bro. That arrangement with your son and dil sounds right and responsible and should protect him from bad bro. I am glad he is taking a strong stand. You must be relieved. You can relax and enjoy his visit now.
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My younger brother arrived I picked him up at the airport. As soon as he turned on his phone there was a call from the hospital wanting him to guarantee badbro's bill. He has let his health insurance lapse. My brother told them no he would not be responsible. He then called SIL and told her to leave both of us alone we were not giving them money. He suggested they talk to her parents or family, or that they should go to work. He says he doesn't want anything to do with them. He then told me that he had been to CA and spoke with my DIL and son. He wants me, along with them as backups if he were to become ill. He also wanted my DIL to be his Executor should anything happen. She agreed. He says she and my son are the logical choices since their children are his beneficiaries on ins, IRA, etc. I hate seeing him worrying about stuff like that, but he says there is no way he wants badbro or any of his family to benefit from his work.
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East, here are your lines when ill-informed family members and idiots like your brother try to use Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( FOG) to get you to provide full time, inhome care for your mother.

" My goodness, I couldn't possibly do that. Mother's care needs far outweigh my abilities. She requires three shifts of professional care."

Just keep saying it. It's true.
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Trying,
Do your parent's still own that home?
Does Sis have ulterior motives to increase her inheritance at the expense of your parent's comfort?

This all sounds so familiar a story, told by others here in past years.  You are truly between a rock and a hard place.  So sorry it has come to this.  
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trying - your sis is a real bully isn't she? That was a nasty one she pulled re the other house's bathroom. I am sorry for your folks. Sounds like it will be a big job. I don't know that there is much that you can do to change things, though sharing your thoughts is probably good for you even with the fall out. Otherwise, you just have to protect yourself. Looks like a trainwreck in the making.
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Rainey - Hopefully the time will come when you can move away. My dil took her bro to court for abuse and he went to jail for a while. It was not a pleasant experience but probably a partial healing for her. Sounds like he is a "user" first and foremost. I know the "victim" game and it can be successful for quite a while.
Re forgiveness, I always see forgiveness as for the person who forgives, not for the one who has offended, who may or may not acknowledge their offense. One analogy is that not forgiving is like continuing to take poison expecting it to harm someone else, while all it does is harm you. For me, forgiveness of family members is an ongoing thing as offences keep coming. Distance, as much as possible, is best for me.
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Thank you Golden. I will try to ease into offering my thoughts, that's a good suggestion.
I think the month projection is because Sis wants the entire bathroom gutted, down to the studs. This will include removing a window and building back the wall including replacing outside paneling. She wants all new fixtures and a full tile job along with a walk in shower.

Back when her son and his girlfriend were renting another house that my parents owned Sis insisted my folks put a new bathroom in for them (long ugly story). At the time Mom and Dads finances were in ruin and they said they couldn't do it but she threatened them with bringing in the housing authority. That was a hollow threat because there was nothing wrong, the bathroom it was just old. No matter, my folks caved and did it. That reno took longer than a month.
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Golden,
Thanks, me too! I am just getting tired of this and I feel so bad for Upsetsister, I know she cannot seem to shake her awful brother either! If my Mom were not with me, I would move away never to be found by him again, that is how desperate I feel. Unfortunately, the Mom keeps the ties that bind. As soon as Mom passes, my first order of business will be filing a restraining order on him. I know he will pitch a fit on me and come after me for stopping him from robbing my mother blind. His wife is just as sick, in a different way though. She is a jesus freak so she is laying the blame on me because I won't forgive him. He is not sorry, he is only sorry he got called out on his behavior. He never made any attempt to make ammends with me, he is a sociopath as far as I can see. He looks at people in the way of (what he can get out of them or what purpose they can serve him) and does not care about the harm he causes, it is all about him. He plays the "victim" and uses that to manipulate people into feeling sorry for him, no matter who he lies about or smears to achieve his goals. He is truly sick and frightening.
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rainey -hope your stomach is OK now. Maybe consult a lawyer about what your bad bro is doing. Waiting for the next fiasco is a horrible way to live. Sounds like harassment to me. I hope you can figure something out.
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(((((((trying))))))) Your question was should you voice your concerns. In your position, I would voice my concerns in no uncertain terms. Sometimes keeping the peace isn't worth it. Just try to disengage from the flack. Can you work your way up to it so it does not cause you anxiety?
What you describe sounds unhygienic and frankly, horrendous to manage, and I would have no part in it. I know you will make that clear. From what you have said about your parents, they will likely go along with sis, but it is worth checking out. I too question the length of time for the renovations. That is way too long. For my money, they need to be away somewhere else while the work is being done - respite, hotel whatever. Let us know what happens.

stacey - you have been through a lot with your parents and your in laws, I sure understand the need for some "me" time. Tell hub you are off limits until 11 am. every morning! You have earned it.

glad - looks like a glitch in the system. Hope they can fix it.

east - "How can I say NO, and not feel like the world's worst daughter. I know you already gave me your advice, I am just trying to convince myself that it would be OK to refuse to take on caring for my Mother at her house."
You say "No" - just say it. practice saying it, if you need to.
Your bro, as POA, is the one who is guilty. It is his responsibility to provide for your mum's needs. This includes seeing a lawyer. That is NOT your job either. He is desperately trying to avoid his responsibilities and save money for his inheritance. Talk to the social worker/discharge planner and tell them your and his situation and your mum's issues. Ignore your cousin, change the subject, say I could not possible do that, or even refuse to talk her. She is playing his game. You cannot rescue your mum. Do not even try. Don't go there the first week or you will be stuck there. Bro needs to find a proper solution and he won't as long as you fill in. You are not a bad daughter. You are caring and concerned for her and for yourself, and also aware of your own limitations and your mother's real needs. I agree you could investigate a POA (bro) who is not doing his job. You are not a logical choice because of your health and other issues - nothing logical about it. He is just trying to get out of doing what he should so. I understand that you wish they had a little consideration for you. Being used is not nice. But, realistically, they probably never will have that consideration. It is one of the things that we, in dysfunctional families, have to accept. (((((((hugs))))))

Lovely weather here - sunshiny and around 80. Bagged some more clothing to go to the thrift shop. Got some lovely BC blueberries. Love grocery shopping very close to closing time. The weather is cool, the store is nearly empty, and the staff is eager to help to get you out of there lol.
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Upset,
I have been sick with a stomach virus so I missed all the drama regarding your badbro. Ohhhh jeeez, he is so much like mine, anything he can do, there is no bridge too low to stoop under to get people to feel bad for them and give and give some-more!
It's just disgusting. Not surprised you are on the "blame list" since they can never own their own mistakes EVER! This guy makes me want to sock him, just like I wish I could sock my brother. Everyone outside of his wife and kids needs to turn their back on him and ignore him. Let him bail himself out for once for his own dumb decisions! It is exactly like my bad bro, he would max out credit card after credit card starting from a young man and then run to Mommy, Daddy to pay it off for him and when they finally said no, he would write to Mom's sister's in Chicago to bail him out. No sense of humilty, no shame, and everyone always ended up helping him out. He never had to feel the sting of "paying the price" for ANYTHING he did wrong, especially what he did to me. Here we are, I am getting the blame, "just like you" for a situation in which HE CREATED, not you, not me. My God, you have been through enough with him, I would legally divorce him in anyway I could. I have seriously been thinking of going to the police, bringing them all the letters he has sent, falsely accusing & blaming me but also admitting what he did to me. These writings clearly show he is mentally unstable. I want to know how or even if I can protect myself from this nutjob of a brother I have, so I am not always wondering, "what's he going to pull next?" It's a horrible way to live and in my book, it falls under the catagory of harassment. Quit helping, he does not deserve anymore enabling because he feels it is owed to him somehow, he does not appreciate, he will not attempt to make any kind of restitutions, I say walk away and don't look back.
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To Upsetsister, Thank You. I had to leave several messages for the Social Worker, since she was not in the office when I called. I did tell her about all of my concerns, a complete list. She did not call me back, but she did call my Brother about the visiting nurses, etc. I know she got my messages, because she went to speak to my Mother. My Mother was at the meeting with the SW etc. but she is hard of hearing. I told the SW that she needed to speak to my Mother face to face, because my Mother can't hear very well. As for my Brother making any arrangements, he has a great job and is good in his field of work, but he really lacks common sense. I guess dealing with this, is just too much trouble for him. I do know - very well - that he has been waiting for our Mother to die so that he can get his hands on her house, and take over. In fact, ever since our Dad passed away in 2009, he has been calling her house: "My House" In fact, I have heard him brag to relatives that he now owns 4 properties, and #4 is my Mother's house. He really enjoys accumulating material things.
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To Tryingmybest: a big Thank You to you too ! I really appreciate your advice and support, so much, in all of this, and that goes to all of you too.
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From EastEagle: Sorry about that, I meant - My Mother and Brother are NOT prepared for this situation, even though I could see it coming.
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BlackHole, Thank You ! I have been trying for years to get my Mother and Brother to consult with an Elder Law Attorney, but as I said before, they never listen to me. Now the time has come for some quick decisions to be made, and they are prepared - at all. I think they are in so much denial - as in - this can't possible be happening ! I also tried to explain to them all the years that I have already been taking care of my husband when his back is killing him. We went through it again, all last summer. My husband's Doctors have now classified him as being partially handicapped. We have to pay a lot to have people help us with yard work and other chores around the house. We don't have a choice. I just wish that my Brother and Mother would have a little consideration for me.
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Keep saying no East. Tell your relatives that with all due respect this is none of their business because it isn't. If you feel this is an unsafe situation call elder services. Let them know there is money for help but Mom and Bro refuse to use your Moms money for her care. Tell yourself that you are not obligated to enable others in the decisions they make. Especially if you do not agree with those decisions. Tell Bro he will have to find help for Mom elsewhere, period. Elders often resist in home care. Mine did with a vengeance. They will pitch a fit and cause trouble at first but in time most people get used to positive change, even old people.
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East, If you consult a lawyer, it should be about your brother as POA refusing to spend the necessary money to care for your mother's needs. Are you able to talk to the social worker and explain your own health concerns. Tell your brother no. He is POA. It is his responsibility to make the arrangements. And that does not include telling you to drive into the city. Your not being a bad daughter if you refuse. You're taking care of your own health.
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Hi again, just want to say that my Brother has not mentioned taking any time off from work, even though I know for sure that he has not used any "Family Emergency Leave" and is not planning to take off even one or two days to be with our Mother when she first goes home or even if they decided that she would go to his house. He has taken 3 vacations since December, so I don't know if he has saved up any available vacation days or sick time to take some days off. He has been to Florida twice and to Maine last month. He does not take off any days from work to take my Mother to her Doc visits. Either our Cousin or myself, have been doing that. So, it looks like he will not be taking any time off to help his own Mother. I am not asking him to do that, it's just that he expects everyone else to take over the care of our Mother. I am not working right now, so I am the logical choice this time. Thanks again.
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Stand firm , East Eagle. However you can. This is a rough one, with no easy answers. But you are not set up (home-wise or health-wise) to take on Mom. The world at large (and every damm family) needs to CANCEL the universal presumption that an(y) adult daughter should willingly trash her mental health, physical health, privacy, financial security and quality of life for an irrational aging parent. No!!!!!
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Trying, I'm sure questioning your sister is difficult. If the bathtub is the issue why not do the bathroom one piece at a time. My other question is the timing. I had my bathroom done this past week. It took them one day to take out the old tub and install the new tub. They had my entire bathroom done in one week including custom tiling, new tile flooring. It only takes a couple of hours to install a toilet. I've had an elevated toilet installed two different locations for Mom - the plumber was there and gone within two hours. I would question the contractors timing. The other option is Bath Outfitters. They are a nationwide chain. My aunt and a cousin both used them for new handicap accessible walkin showers with bench and they only took one day. A whole bathroom should not take a month. The labor charges would be horrendous.
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