The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi All, reading all your posts about inheritances and the problems that they cause. I believe it comes to the greedy siblings or relatives. In my own Family and what I have been told by some of my friends is: the siblings and the relatives who already have the most assets, which means a very nice home, but also includes one or more vacation homes, and also plenty of money saved and/or invested - they are the ones who are greedy and are looking around for how much more they can get their hands on. This causes friction, fighting, and bad feelings all around. But that is just what I have seen in my Family and what friends tell me. So about my Mother, again.
As I said, we got the recommendation from the Social Workers, etc that my Mother can go home IF she has around the clock care givers for at least the first week or so. I know that it will be around $3,000.00 for one week. However, my Mother does have enough in her savings account to cover full-time care 7 days a week for at least 4 months. I am thinking that as she has more therapy - she will get stronger - at least to get around her small apartment in her house. So I am just guessing that she can be "weaned off" 24 hour care and hopefully would be OK with some help during the day. We will only know for sure, after she has had more Physical Therapy. She wants to go home to her own house, so she can make and have her coffee whenever she wants. She loves her coffee. She said the coffee in the rehab is too strong so she has not been drinking it. Also, she will be more comfortable using her own bathroom, and I will not get into the details of her intestinal problems. She will just feel better if she can deal with those problems in her own bathroom.
But, as I already mentioned, my Mother and Brother do not want to touch the money in her savings account. I told my Brother to make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney in his area, and they can give good advice as to what to do with the house, and maybe eventually applying for Medicaid. He as POA, but he wants me to consult with an attorney where I live, which is 30 miles away in the Suburbs. I am sure that he does not want to pay an attorney, so he is trying to get me to do that as well.
So this week, the Social Worker went in to my Mother's room to have a talk with her, I call it "a showdown" because the Social Worker tried to explain to my Mother that she will need around the clock help. My Mother's answer to her was, "No I don't, and I have never heard of such a thing in my Life". So this week, my Mother told me that she was going to stay at my Brother's house, he has a 2 family and lives on the 2nd floor, and she would stay on the first floor. But no outside help. My Brother works at home 3 days a week, and he would check in on her.
Latest news: my Brother texted me (he will not talk on the phone) and he said that our Mother has to come and stay with me, because - his own words: " I am never home." This contradicts what he told us and what he told my Mother just last week.
My Cousin called me and said that I need to go and stay with my Mother for the first week. I replied that I don't want to get stuck there indefinitely.
The problem is that my Mother is now having accidents because of her intestinal problems, meaning that she has diarrhea and does not even feel it coming on until she is covered all over with it. It goes everywhere and she before she fell, she was having these accidents and it took her so long to clean herself up. Also, she can't get into her bathtub to take a bath or shower. it's too dangerous.
So the relatives are starting to put the pressure on me, and I am still feeling a lot of guilt if I say no. As I mentioned, I am not in very good shape myself. I would be afraid of staying at her house if my stomach or my heart started to bother me.
All of this, because my Mother and Brother do not want to touch that money. How can I say NO, and not feel like the world's worst daughter. I know you already gave me your advice, I am just trying to convince myself that it would be OK to refuse to take on caring for my Mother at her house. We are not set up for her to stay at my house, I would have to buy an bed for her, and she can't get into my Jeep. Thanks All.

Thank you Send. I also think this would be too much for my folks. I doubt my parents are OK with it but they do as Sis says. In my family might makes right, bully behavior is rewarded. Kindness and compromise are seen as weakness. When I've tried to advocate for my folks in the past Sis throws a holy fit and Mom and Dad tell me to back off.

Sis does not live with them but she has POA and is Dads conservator. She has all the power with our parents blessing. She is solo manager of their medical and will not even let me take them to a dr. appointment (I offered to help with that while school is out, she refused). I could go on and on but that just fills me with resentment. Not good for me.

I agree with you that I should at least find out how Mom and Dad feel. Perhaps if they are truly against it I can present that to Sis, it might make a difference. If Sis decides to go ahead I will suggest respite care. There is really no place to place put an RV but I appreciate the suggestion.

Glad, I checked out your private message page, and see all of my posts to you, both public and private, all the way back to and before 2015, as well as everyone else's public messages to you as well. Hope this helps you to figure it out!

How are things going for you on a personal front? It was at the 2 months mark, after losing my Mom, that things really began to hit home, that I would never see her again, and that my life as it had been would never be the same again. We lost my Dad first, my MIL 12 months later while Mom was bedbound on Hospice, and my Mom 2 months after that, all in quick succession. Immediately following my MIL passing, my FIL moved in, so between funeral planning and execution, there was no time to address my own feelings, as I had missed So much work on Family Leave, that I had to get right back to it, or risk losing my job.

I worked full time for the first 6 or 7 years that my FIL lived with us, which made it all that much more bearable, but when I left work due to my arthritic knees, and was home with him all the time, it became quite a different situation!

I enjoyed going out with my sisters now and then but felt guilty leaving him home alone, and everyone else I knew worked, so quite an adjustment!

It was then that I reached out to you all here on the AC, trying to figure out how to deal with my Narcissistic FIL. Heck, I never knew what a Narcissist was until I came on here, and he ticked all the boxes. Quite a bit different to what I was raised with, and in his aging and our close proximity, it was hard for him to hide it as well as he had been before.

Now it's a whole new kind of adjustment, getting used to just me and hubby together for the first time in our marriage. We are doing all right, but still am adjustment.

I am not as "needy" as he is. I'm perfectly fine with a couple of hours quiet on the computer each morning, while he would just love to have my undivided attention All Day Long! Ugg, he's like having a kid again, pestering me all the time! I would Almost rather get working again, Almost, Lol!

I hope you are doing well with your grieving, as I know that there are definitely good days and bad days. It does get better with time, but I still miss my folks 13/14 years later. Take care Sweets!

The stress of a renovation would be too much for your parents, imo.
Instead of helping by putting them under this added hardship, it may send them earlier to a facility, when most elders want to stay in their home, and keep things the same.

Unless you can send parents on a month long vacation, or respite care in a facility, don't do it to them. Have you asked your parents what they want?

Sorry, but it's getting my ire up when considering what is best for our parents, we have to add into the mix things like brilliant ideas from "sister wants...".

Your sister is the one creating conflict.  Slow down, get your parents on board with you if possible.
Sister cannot buy her way out of guilt with a renovation.  Does she live there?  Prevent this travesty of injustice and hardship.  If you are proceeding, get an estimate from a real contractor who can finish the job in a week and provide handicapped remodeling solutions.

This is just one person's opinion.  But, speak up, advocate for your parents wants and needs.

I am not sure but when I checked with an assisted living facility they said they do offer 30 days respite.

If you wait until it's not so hot, you could park an RV out front, hook it up for bathroom facilities, but why?

Hi all. I am struggling with one of my sisters most recent decisions and before I tell her my concerns I wanted to hear thoughts other than my own. The issue is my parents bathroom. It is old with a claw foot tub. We have done what we can... installed handrails, put in an elevated toilet seat and a tub seat. Dad has someone in to help him bathe and so far Mom is managing fine on her own. I know it's not ideal but it's working.

Sis said she wants a complete bathroom renovation done and the contractor told her it would take a month, so there would be no bathroom facilities during that time. Sis said our parents would use a commode the family/other helpers would use an outdoor port-a-potty. She never mentioned how we would dump my parents waste and clean out the commode. We can't use the kitchen sink for hygienic reasons, there is a set tub in the cellar that could be used I suppose. Sis is paying under the table, low wages to the helpers. I'm not sure they will stick around if this chore is added.

Its no secret that I think my parents should be in AL or a NH but I accept that this is not on the table what I am struggling with is doing this renovation. The contractor says a month but in my experience contractors never finish jobs when they say they will. I think this is a bad time to do this. I worry the disruption is going to create chaos and more problems than we can handle.

Sis does not react well if I question her decisions so I have learned to just go along to keep the peace. This time though I think we are going to end up dealing with a real mess (no pun intended :) Still if Sis reacts badly to my concerns and goes ahead like usual what have I accomplished except to create conflict?

Regardless of whether I make my thoughts known I will set some boundaries. I do not have to to enable this. I will have no part of the disposal process. I am there once a week for a dinner/evening shift and I will make that clear that I will not be doing that particular chore.

So my question. Should I keep my counsel or speak up? I am torn.

Upset, think of it this way, if he is ill money help will be a problem for Medicaid...you are right. You don't want him sick, but observation is not what you are kept in with heart. My cousin was convinced that there was money when my aunt died. Well besides the inheritance from grandma  that was supposed to be shared with my mom that aunt spent on her and cousin. He even asked my mom about my aunt's share of mom's house she lived in with her. That aunt never paid on a dime. Some people are takers. My cousin lost his house too when he couldn't make balloon payment and his wife lost her job. She can't work because she has vertigo and no medical folks can find why. Can't drive, but she can go on plane to vacation. Stand firm.

Upset, I sure hope good bro will stand firm. Sounds like he has managed to stay out of the fray, except for the move that didn't happen. I just cannot believe the whole thing. He helps him now, just as boundaries are being established you will all be back at ground zero.

Send, what I think you were seeing on my message board were your own messages to me. I changed my settings last night so that everyone can see my message board. Now wondering if any of you can see messages that go back even to May.

Now, just checked message board again. I now allow others to see my board and all messages seem to be back. Seems a problem with the switch, if I disallow others to see the board then I cannot access all of my messages. But when I disallow, then not even I can access them all. Humph. Will work on that and get AC to fix that little snafu later. 

Are others seeing the same thing?

Upset, thanks for clarification. Would I be wrong to be thinking in the direction of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Stand strong; I hope little brother, perhaps with some clinical info from you can see that this is a sinkhole into which he can fall. Throwing good money after bad......

It would be great for good bro to concentrate on himself and his health and let go of bad bro's problems.Neither of you need it. I hear you about wife and kids discouraging bad bro from taking meds - like my sis supported mother not taking her meds. The insanity of it!

Golden, I hope my younger brother hangs tough. I think he will. He has worked really hard to get to a place where he can see how he will retire and/or be able to live where he wants. I don't think he will give in to them. He knows exactly what they did to Mom and what they took from me. I don't think he will put himself in that position. He is working really hard on a couple of health issues - losing 20 lbs, changing his diet and trying to get his blood pressure stable without medications. I hope the docs will put bad bro on medication to help with his anxiety problem. But, I suspect his wife and kids will not encourage that. They will tell him he doesn't need them, that mental health problems are fake or some other nonsense. Bottom line is he is not my problem. I'm anxious for my younger brother to arrive so I can get a face-to-face read on where he's at with badbro's situation.

(((((((upset))))))) I am glad you are firm on this. Bad bro is sick for sure -personality disorder to begin with. You and good bro don't need any more of this. I hope he gets treatment for anxiety and depression - he needs it. I look at the difference in my mother since being put on meds, and also my dd who is on antids.

In any case, not your circus, not your monkeys. Good to set boundaries with good bro. I hope he has enough sense not to respond to this. ((((((hugs))))))

glad - hope you find your messages.

Upset, (((hugs))), it is hard for you but I agree and understand your position. We would not want nad for our siblings, yet, we can't take on their dys lives. I hope it works out, hang in there.

Sharyn, He is in hospital. I have a cousin who is a PA in Cardiology and saw he was in for observation. He thinks he has heart problems. They think it's anxiety or depression. I don't want anything to happen to him, but I'm done with their drama and dysfunction. He's my Mom made over. Narc to the core. Everything is about him.

Barb, He did. But borrowed so much money against it - it was going to be foreclosed on. Younger bro and I helped him catch up. Then we found out everything he had taken from our Mom. Then his kids took stuff from me. His kids lost their jobs, houses, etc. Wife lost her job. He quit his job. My younger brother took over the duplex payments. He has made repairs, replaced things and has it on the market. Brother and SIL think he should let them move in and they will pay rent when they get jobs - which will never happen. He gave them money to move to WV get jobs, etc. which they never did. They are living in SIL's parents basement apartment. Still trying to get money without working for anything. He believes that my younger brother and I got more than the value of the duplex in Mom's estate which is not true. We got less. Ended up being even less in a way after we saw the credit card charges after Mom died. He and his family never accept any responsibility for what they do. I'm sorry he's ill, but I'm not giving them money. They have wasted thousands of dollars over the years. They've taken from everyone they can. They're capable of working and they need to do so. I'm tired of them and their drama. I want no part of any of it and I don't want my younger brother to be involved. Ultimately he will have to make his own decisions. I've got my life in a good place and I'm not going to lose it because of the crazies.

Glad, When you wrote that, I went to look at your wall, and there are very few left, wondering what happened too.

Just looking at message boards of others and can go back a long time. Maybe there is hope to get my messages. Seems odd I can see others and not my own.

Upset, I thought your brother got your mom's duplex as an "early inheritance"?

Upset, so sorry to read that the dysfunction continues. It's one thing to be under stress, it's entirely another thing to blame your adult siblings for it. :-/

Upset, this is going too far with them. Get hospital name to call and confirm if he has been admitted. Even if he was, it has nothing to do with you and little bro. I hope your brother doesn't cave.

My younger brother called me earlier. Badbro's wife called him. He has actually been admitted to the hospital for observation. He's had some sort of breakdown. SIL says it's because of all the stress my brother and I have put him under. Losing his inheritance, losing their home, etc. Still blaming us for their problems. I think my brother is going to cave in and do something stupid. He said he wouldn't do anything until we talked. I told him I didn't him to come visit if he was going to try to talk me into helping in any way. He said he wouldn't.

Thx I already tried and they don't.:(

There is a page on FB from Nebraska. You could try calling the number to see if they ship to Canada.

Thx - No Whole Foods in this province.

Golden Do they have Whole Foods in your area? They carry in the store.

sharyn and upset - thx re amazon. I just did a search there and can't find it. There are some things they don't send to Canada. Comfort House sends to Canada with shipping at nearly $50.00 - the cost of the 4 oz jar. The milkweed balm site does not send to Canada. I do have one of those US addresses, but the last and (first) time I used it, it doubled the item price. I was thinking more of R's knee. Robaxin works for me on the f/m.

upset - you made me laugh about bathing and peeing in comfort. Glad you enjoyed your tub. I have an air jet tub which I love. Part time work is about right. I might have continued if that was available for me.

The milkweed balm I buy on Amazon is the big producer in Nebraska. Very smooth. I had heard some of the lesser quality was grainy.

Golden, I buy mine on Amazon. Usually they ship anywhere. I am still having good results with it for my neuropathy.

I retired at 67 from full time. But I just signed on with Area Agency on Aging. I like working and it adds on to savings for later.

They finished my bathroom. I can now officially get old and still bathe and pee in comfort.

PJ came over to look at my bathroom and decided he needed to try out my walk-in tub. He really liked it - said that may be his next project. I spent 30 minutes bubbling away. Very relaxing.

Amazon sells it. Don't know if they ship to Canada and don't know about the quality of it from them.

upset - you said you were not sleeping well again. I am cutting down even the small amount of caffeine I take in (diet coke zero and decaf coffee) and I think it is helping. It is a bit early to be sure, but I slept through the night last night.

Wondering where you get the milkweed balm. Haven't found it yet in Canada. I think it can be purchased online from the US.