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upset - hope the new number and blockings work. Typically the "problem people" think others are crazy and need help., Heard that one before. Sad that your bro did not get help, but since your mum did not accept her problems she didn't see his. Trying to avoid the penalties of Medicaid is a sore spot for many. I think you have taken the right approach. I worked till I was 73 to maximize my pension so I could provide for myself.

sharyn - you are right. They don't accept responsibility and expect better treatment than they give. Sorry about your hubs. People do get set in their ways. Would putting it in writing help?

guest - what a can of worms. It is a form of not accepting responsibility for yourself and expecting others to pick up the slack - the servant child again. You do so well trying to educate your dh. Yes, narcissists expect you to jump through their hoops.

I have to say mother did not stock pile her money, she spent it on herself, still leaving enough for her care, but also expected us to kick in some money for her drug bill which she could easily afford. I declined the honour, figuring the time may come when I would have to supplement her income. As it is, I have spent way more than she asked for on various things in the past few years.

Oh, laugh of the day. One of my son's friends posted in a conv in son's fb page that I was still a hottie. I think he imbibes a bit too much.
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At our group sessions this week one of the main topics was Medicaid, trying to transfer assets, etc. Many of the group felt like Medicaid had become a financial game for some families, trying to hide money but still qualify when the time came for a nursing home. Some people in the group admitted they would do whatever they could to keep the money for inheritance but still qualify for Medicaid. A few people said their parents "disposed" of their assets when they went on Social Security. Signed over their homes and lived on next to nothing so that they could leave nice inheritances. We had an atttorney who does a lot of Medicaid work. I simply couldn't believe the lengths some went to in order to protect assets for inheritances. I always thought I was supposed to work to secure my own old age. I pay for nursing home insurance every month and always save some money monthly for my ever faster approaching old age. It's the reason I'm doing home improvements with old age in mind. I wonder now if my planning is the wrong approach.
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PamelaAnn - welcome. You are in a very difficult situation and not alone. The dysfunction doesn't go away as we all age, and it may well become worse. It has been recommended that adult children of abusive parents do not do hands on care giving for the very reasons you mention. It is much too stressful for you to be abused continually as you were as a child. On the other hand, your mother needs help and you enjoy her company. You can act as a facilitator to get your mother the help she needs by contacting the local Agency for Aging and Social Services to find out what help is available in your community. Is your dad abusive to her too? I would be concerned about that, especially as the Alz progresses and your mother needs more and more help, and may become"difficult" herself. I see from your profile that you enjoy your mother's company. Taking her out sounds like the best option as you are not then exposed to your dad's abuse. Eventually she will need placement in a care facility and you will be able to visit her there. It isn't ideal, I know. The guilt seems to come with care giving and isn't realistic, You are doing what you can to help, but you do need to set boundaries against abuse. I gather your dad has "guilted" you most of your life. You could post your question in a thread you start yourself (click on the white bars upper left and then "Ask A Question") and you may get more answers from a wider group. Meanwhile, I hope others here post. We understand what you are going through.
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A whine/rant sort of lol!! I know men and women communicate differently. Since my hubs retired, communicating with him is so incredibly difficult. IMO, 50% of it is he tunes me out. The other 50% seems like he is so regimented with ingrained ways of doing things that thinking outside the box is foreign and impossible for him. To have him do something simple turns out the opposite of what I wanted. I can't just say pick up this while you are out. I have to get very literal and sometimes nasty about it. Then I feel bad for getting nasty in order for him to understand. End of whine/rant!!🤢
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Guest, that is even worse. I see how so many adult children jump through hoops for their parents. It is so sad, really.
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Sharyn, it's not for inheritance. FIL is one of those who wants to have someone pay his way. The money will be a lure to get hubs and BIL to dance to his tune but they will never see a dime. He and MIL spent money like water for years and tried to get hubs and BIL's wives lined up to provide care. Did not work out as planned since BIL got divorced and remarried new wife with 3 kids and I'm not willing to drive 60+ miles to "help" narcissists free.
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Guest, I certainly hope your talk with hubs sink in. So many parents want to save their money for inheritance. We tried to tell our mom to use it for herself. Buy herself some things she would love to have as she was not a traveler. Use it for lawn care, use for house keeping.
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I think this is where I belong...my mom has alzheimers and I want to keep helping her out....but my dad is mentally ill.....and I can't take the way he treats me anymore....Its like I have gone back in time 40 years...and I am a child again.....he torments me again with his yelling obscenities at me.... not being able to do anything right.....I feel like if I keep helping with my mom...I am going to end up in the nut house....but feel so guilty not helping her!What should I do?
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Upset, I understand. It was just sad listening to hubs lament the Medicaid "hole" that MIL is in. I keep repeating just remember this when FIL health further fails for direction in how to proceed. The desperate hanging onto assets rather than spend some to keep MIL quality of AL or NH better. The past unconcern for extended family problems other than to state their own good position. I'll just suggest he stay at VA...heh.
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Guest A speaker we had at our support group this week said That Medicare is trying to change the look back period from 5 to 7-10 years.
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Had a blunt conversation with hubs last night. He brought up FIL staying independent at home as long as possible. I flat out told him that BIL mowing FIL's yard was not being independent. I suggested Area Agency on Aging or United Way if the senior was having trouble locating reliable help. Or Angie's List. Hubs admitted it was him that first brought up the condition of house with FIL living on his own to BIL. Again, I told him that the money being so carefully guarded from Medicaid to keep FIL independent could be spent on his care. Regardless of what they have been told by FIL, if he goes into a facility within 5 years, any trusts established for FIL protection of assets from MIL's medicaid will not be honored to protect FIL's money for sons. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
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Upset, people like that never accept responsibility. I truly believe they see themselves as so special and how dare another not treat them as badly as they treat others. It is a sickness and may God have pity on them and their children.
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Trying they are miserable, but they accept no responsibility for any of their problems. It's always someone else's fault. They believe therapy is for "crazy" people like me. My brother has had trouble since early grade school. My mom blamed the problems on everyone by but my brother. At one point she switched him to a different grade school than me because I was causing his problems at school. He has done the same type of thing with his own children.
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Anyone who hasn't seen bookluvr's post - her father passed away. Just letting y'all know.
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Got a new unlisted number. I had them block every number I had for any of the circus. I also had them fix my new number so that it can't be shown on caller ID. It also can't be redialed automatically.
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Best of luck to you Upset. I'm with Golden, your brother and his family need professional help. Their lives must be a daily misery filled with fear, anger and resentment towards others. Most doctors will tell you that people who chronically show up with phantom illnesses are likely dealing with mental health issues. Unfortunately, between stigma, poor services and the nature of mental illness many don't seek or get what they need. You are smart enough to know you can't fix them and if you try you will only get hurt in the process. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
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Upset, happy you can block them. Make sure the number is unlisted.
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Glad. With them I always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. My younger brother says he feels like he has a pack of vultures circling around him. Regardless of the analogy they're a pain in the butt.
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Upset, maybe phone company put in a forwarding order by mistake? Do you ever feel like leaving the country but then realize they will find you? I just cannot imagine.
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Sharyn/Golden, If I had looked closely at the number I wouldn't have answered. Glanced at the number and thought it was a friend who lives in same town as SIL parents. I'm sure it isn't pleasant for them. In order to live there they have help her parents. Her father has physical problems. Mother has advanced Alzheimer's. But they got themselves into this mess. And my younger brother and I are NOT the solution. I wouldn't have land line but cell is sketchy at the lake during heavy snow and storms.

I think about all of this and how disappointing it all is. BasicallyI have my younger brother and that's it. But it's more than some people have. My younger brother will be here Sunday on vacation for a couple of weeks.

I'm going to call phone co and request they change my number again. I'm going to give it to no one and also have them block numbers associated with badbro and his family. I think they can block up to 10 numbers.
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Oh my goodness, upset - they should not be able to get your number. Be interesting to see what the phone co says.
Frankly I don't think they should be able to run around free, they are that crazy. Maybe time to not answer any numbers you don't know, and let them go to voice mail, then keep a list of the troublesome numbers and never answer them. I had a spate of spam callers for a while. I kept a list of those numbers by the phone and didn't answer when I saw one of them on caller ID. They stopped.
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Upset, can the phone company block their number?
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The phone rang again with the same phone number - I didn't answer and unplugged the phone. I have a new unlisted number and no one has it but three people that would not tell them. Calling the phone company tomorrow.
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My niece called me crying and then turned on me screaming g and yelling. Badbro had to go to the ER. He thought he was having a heart attack - he does this a couple of times a year. He has a ton of tests, runs up medical bills and then tiptoes around acting like he's an invalid. I asked if they kept him in the the hospital and she said no they sent him home. Then she started screaming at me that everything was my fault because I stole their money they were supposed to inherit and because My younger brother stole the duplex. I hung up. I called my younger brother to warn him. But I was too late my nephew had called him with the same story - only he asked him for $10,000 so they could rent an apartment and not live at brother's FIL/MIL house. Said they could move and my badbro wouldn't have so much stress. He didn't give them any money. They are such leech's.
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Golden, I know what you mean and it is needed at times like these.
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thx sharyn - the ALF is doing their thing and I will follow up at the end of the month with them. R has followed up on the reporting of the error to the LPN college. and I think waiting for more feedback. Not sure if he has called anyone else yet. I am tired, so will wait till next week to email mother's lawyer and talk to the nurses about mother's issues again. DD said that mother was lucky to have me (there's that phrase again) as I can turn into a mother bear. Yes, indeed I can, and have for my kids on occasion too. The primitive gets aroused. I know you know what I mean.
Thinking of you and your bro and his health issues.
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East, I'm with everyone else on this. This is not like helping your Mom over an illness then going back home. If you go, your Mom is only going to need more and more care as time goes on, and it will all be on you. The reason you feel guilt is because women of our generation have been conditioned to find our self worth in serving others. Being humble and quietly sacrificing our own wants or needs to make others happy is what makes us "good" women. As Guests says, NUTS to that.
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East, lots of good healthy suggestions have been offered. Follow Guests lead.

Golden, hope you have everything worked for your mom.

Stacey and upset and Rainey, the dysfunctional ones always looking for a free ride.

Glad, hope you are feeling better with your moms service behind you.

More later, have a good afternoon
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East, Don't do it! Go visit, drop off the doorbell and the phone, visit with your mother and leave. Your brother is POA, let him make the arrangements. No is the only answer. Your health and the health of your husband come first.
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East, " no, I can't possibly provide mother with the level of care she needs. Listen to what the doctor is saying, please. I can't provide her help, not temporarily, and not permanently".

Period. End of story.

East, " they don't want to" does not equal " you have to". It equals " i don't want to either.

"You, brother are her POA; figure it out".
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