The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

East and Guest, I second Everything that Golden just posted!!! The family is trying to guilt YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND's into doing all of the work for free, when there are money, health and community resources available to help them. Hold your ground or you will soon be the ones further disabled, and unable to do for yourselves! Eventually, the family or greedy POA's will figure this out, probably when the next crisis happens, Unfortunately!!!

Remember NO is a complete sentence! "I'm having my own health very
Challenges at the moment" works too! It isn't fair, that they continue to push the workload onto you! Things Will eventually work out, I just pray it isn't their demise, that finally gets the POS's attention, to follow the advice of the Dr's and rehab recommendations!

Thinking and praying for you both! Take care of You!

guest - NUTS is right! Ri-di-cu-lous!!!! It is unfortunate how people become enablers, not seeing that their "help" is not helping, but in fact worsening the situation. it is little things like lawn mowing that slowly erode the perception of the need for taking other courses of action. Water dripping on a rock, erodes it one drop at a time... Thank goodness you hold your line in the sand.  

east - my two cents worth, They are using you and you cannot afford it due to your own and hubs health issues at the very least, so the answer to them is "No. I can't do that." As you say, bro is keeping his money and his time for himself, yet he is POA and has the responsibility to look after your mum. Go with your hubs, deliver the goodies you have for her and go home with hubs. You do not have to give them reasons or excuses. That 30 year old is very rude. Why doesn't she take up the slack? Your priorities are first yourself and your hub, and, between you, you have enough health issues to not take this on. They are basically expecting you to become your mother's caregiver. You are not suited for that role. It is way too much for you and especially in a house that is run down. In fact it is way too much for anyone. Your mum needs to go into a facility. Stay firm that you cannot take this on and don't start to take it on or it will be harder to get out of. Don't stay there.

JessieBelle, YOU GET IT!!! Hubs doesn't? I think that is exactly it. I told hubs flat out that if FIL needed help cleaning house he could pay out of the money he has hired a lawyer to help him "shelter from Medicaid to keep him independent". Honestly, the lawn care expense would be perfectly valid for Medicaid reporting but let's guilt the son with kidney issues. NUTS. FIL that did nothing to help with our autistic son, his college costs, husband's medical expenses etc. are now expecting to maintain his independence on his sons' backs. Yes, I'm furious about it because the hinting for my assistance is ever present if I get anywhere near them physically. It's why I avoid going to visit or answer phone. My husband is a good man, but easily manipulated by his parents.

Not be able to find someone to do yard work in aTX city??!! There's so many companies. Maybe they mean they can't find someone to do it as cheap as family can.

Husband and BIL talked yesterday. This is same BIL that was in near kidney failure last fall, takes mega doses of steroids for sarcoidosis, and has gained over 70 pounds due to steroids. FIL can not maintain his own yard. No argument from me. Lawn care guy quit to take college internship. In a city of over 100,000 people, FIL can not find anyone to do the lawn. BIL can not find anyone to mow. BIL and SIL were at FIL's place yesterday MOWING THE LAWN THEMSELVES in TEXAS where it was already over 85 degrees at 7:30. Nuts. And FIL is "living independently" and would not take MIL home because she could not manage ADL's. And BIL wanted to discuss who would be doing yard next week and Oh, yeah, the house and laundry are looking pretty bad. NUTS to that.

EastEagle, you say that you know that your mother and your brother - how did you put it? - want you to go and stay with her.

Really? Do they? What exactly have they said about that?

To JessieBelle, Thank You for your input. My Mother and Brother know that I am not working (but that is another story) so I am one who is available right now. Also, My Mother thinks that my Brother's job is just too important for him to take any time off from work to help her, not even for crucial Doc visits, and not even in an emergency. By the way, he does not save up any vacation or personal days, or sick time - in case he wanted to use them to help out our Mother or to take her to a Doctor visit. When it comes to my Mother, he always says that he can't take any time off from work. It was always Me, or our Cousin who has been taking my Mother to all Doc appts. much of the shopping. My Brother (and his wife ) go on vacations any time they want to. This past Xmas they went to Florida for 2 weeks - knowing that my Mother would be left all alone - with no other relatives close by. Of course, she did not want to stay at our house for the Holidays which would have been wonderful for her. In Feb - my Brother and wife went back to Florida for another week - to do some repairs and redecorating to their rental condo. In June they went to Maine for a week and came back just before my Mother fell down. I guess I am their choice, because they know how much I worry about her, and that I know what to do in an emergency. I used to be a Licensed Child Care and Nursery School Teacher, and have had First Aid & CPR training, etc. Last Summer, I could not get to my Mother's house, because my husband has a lot of damage to his back, a work injury, last summer he re-injured it, and he was in terrible pain. I took him to all of his Doctor's visits, another MRI, and to PT. My Brother and Mother could care less. My brother has 2 sons, the oldest one got married 3 years ago. Last summer, his wife called me up (she does not really know me that well) and she told me off for not going to my Mother's house. I explained to her (she is in her 30's) why I was not able to be there, and she told me that I needed to decide " what my priorities are." This is how I am treated by the Family. In 2008, my husband was in the hospital with many health problems, and he almost died from septicemia, not one person in my family came to see him. They never asked if I needed any help. That is only one small part of what I have to put up with.

East Eagle, I wish I could say don't do it and everything would go that way. This sounds like a bad idea for both you and your mother. She doesn't need to be living in the unsafe house and you don't need to be living in a place that puts your life at risk. It drives me crazy when older people get so attached to their houses, even when their houses are no longer safe for them and would be better sold.

It can be a real dilemma sometimes. Are we caregiving or enabling? I know my parents would have stayed in their house no matter what I did. They wouldn't let help in. But did they have the right to ask for my life so they wouldn't have to change theirs? No, they didn't. We get caught up in wanting to do what pleases our parents even if their choices go against what would make better sense.

Is there a reason your mother and brother think you're the logical choice to do this? It sounds like they're asking for a huge sacrifice on your part. As someone who got herself painted into this crazy corner, I would advise anyone else not to do it. The house sounds like an accident waiting to happen. I bet your mother would be fine in a senior community after she got used to it. Prying her out of the house will be the biggest challenge -- I'm there, so I know.

Hi Again, I think I mentioned in the past that my Mother does not have a working door bell. When my Dad was alive, he took the doorbell apart, and took out all the wiring. This was way before he died in 2009. So she has had no door bell for years. My Dad loved to take things apart, but would never put them back again. She has an old-fashioned door knocker - but she can't hear it with her deafness. So she has no idea when someone is at her door. Also, I sometimes think my Dad did this stuff just to aggravate my Mother. So, when we go to my Mother's house, we have to call her on the phone - to let her know that we are outside. We have done this for years. I have pleaded with my brother to replace the door bell, but he ignores me. So we just bought my Mother a new wireless door bell, and we will be bringing that to her house when she gets home from rehab. As I mentioned, I don't have keys to her house, I have asked for them, but my brother and mother just ignore me again. I am concerned that my Brother will not let us put the new door bell in, or if we do, he will take it out. My Mother needs a new phone, but she needs the kind for blind and deaf Impaired people. As I said, my Brother will not spend any of his money (he has a very high-paying job) so he told me to buy her a new phone. We found an excellent new phone for Mom, which we will bring over to her when she gets home from rehab. It has a volume booster for hearing impaired, and it also lights up with a blinking red light too. When my Mother first got to rehab, she asked my brother to bring her more magazines to look at (she can read some of the print). He brought her one People mag. and he called me and said that the magazines were too expensive, so he asked me to buy more mags for her. He did not want to spend his money. This is just one reason why I get so aggravated with him. He has plenty of money, he owns a very nice big house near my Mother, and 2 other houses in Florida. He rents out one of them. That is why he wants my Mother's house, so he can get more rental income. Thanks.

Hi All, I just want to mention a few more of my concerns: I have stayed at my Mother's house, in the past, to help her, and I would stay anywhere from a few days up to 8 weeks at a time, but the last time I stayed with her - I did not have this Glaucoma. Also, I had to get used to going without things. Such as: my Mother does not have any internet, and has a very old TV set which has a terrible picture. Even with her bad eyesight, my Mother refuses to let us buy her a new big flat screen TV. I will not be able to wash our laundry, because no one can get down the cellar stairs - the railing is broken, and no lights, it is way too dangerous. This is one of the things that my Dad, and my Brother have never fixed. The washer and dryer are in the basement, and my Mother has not been able to use them for years. She washes all her clothes by hand in the kitchen sink. About a few times a year, my Brother will take her towels and bed sheets home to his house to wash, but then he forgets to bring them back to my Mother. Also, I will not have my car when I am there, since there is no place to park there. If lucky, maybe a few streets away. Besides that, I cannot drive into Boston to her Eye Doctors. I am a terrible driver in the City, and it terrifies me. So, these are just some of the things that I would have to get used to again, if I were to stay with her this time. Thanks.

Hi again, just wanted to mention that I did call the Social Worker at the rehab, could not reach her, so I left several messages - about all of my concerns and fears, and that my Mother and brother decided not to follow their advice. She has not gotten back to me yet. She did call my brother again, but that was just to let him know about the Visiting Nurse, and the Therapist and that Medicare will pay for that. Thanks again.

Hi All. Latest update on my Mother: I talked to my Mother and Brother, again, about the home health care that she will need at home - when she leaves rehab. Both my Mother and Brother have decided and/or have come to the same conclusion - that they do not want to touch the money in her savings account - to pay for home health aides. My Mother's PCP called me and we had a long discussion about the situation. The Doctor says that my Mother thinks she will be happy and everything will be great when she gets back into her own home, but my Mother will find out that things may not be the same anymore. She will certainly need help, and if she does not have anyone there she could fall again, and then she will end up in a nursing home - and then they will have to spend the money anyway. So, I suggested that they have the home aides come in 24/7 for the first week, or at least during the day. My Mother said, NO WAY. She thinks she will do just fine by herself. She will have a visiting nurse come in, and a therapist, and they will be there for about 30 minutes or so. The Doctor said that if the Nurse thinks that her house is not safe for her, then the nurses can refuse to go back to her house due to liability reasons. I did not know about all of this, since we never had to deal with this before. I know that my Brother and my Mother want me to go and stay with her. But they did not say for how long. I have some health problems which could be a problem. I recently found out that I have closed - angle Glaucoma, maybe you are familiar with this type? In other words, the eye drops do not work for this type of Glaucoma. The Eye Doc has to test the pressure in my eyes, and if I have any signs or symptoms that the pressure is going up, then I need to get to my Eye Specialist ASAP. Then I would need to have laser treatments, which creates another hole in the eye and releases the pressure. This is a one or two time treatment, and then I would be OK, no need for eye drops. My Mother has the open-angle type and she uses eye drops but is now blind in one eye, since there is no cure for this. The eye drops lower the pressure inside the eyes, but cannot cure the problem. After many years of having this, most people will have some vision loss or blindness. I also have SVT which is supra-ventricular tach. and I take a calcium blocker for that. The calcium blockers can cause acid reflux, and so I now have reflux again. I already had stomach surgery in the past for bleeding in the stomach, etc. Sometimes when my heart starts to act up, I have to wear a heart monitor at home. Anyway, I don't know if I would be able to take care of my Mother full time, and I would have move in with her. She also said that she will not come to our house because she wants to stay in the City. So, I need your advice again. Should I give in to what my Mother wants? I know that I will feel guilty if I can't go to her house to take care of her. And the question is: for how long? She also said that maybe her Cousin would sleep overnight to help her, but I already talked to this Cousin, and she really can't do that. So, any advice ?? I am really worried about this. Thanks All.

Yes, Stacey, at work. Took six hours the day mom passed. Eight hours, Friday the day following her death. Then June 30 the day before the memorial. That was what I needed. Better to keep busy while twisteds did the majority of the planning for July 1 memorial. Then back at work on July 3 and off the 4th. It was enough. Having more probably would have stirred up too many unpleasant memories.

Glad, much agreed with Stacey!! You deserve it.

Oh Glad, just read your post about reimbursements for 2012. Absolutely go for it! You have it coming to you, and you know that the twisteds would if they were in your shoes! Why should you be penalized, when you were going through so much stress, doing All the work caring for your Mom and her hubby, dealing with your disastrous home fire, and them being so incredibly cruel to you! Go after what is rightfully yours, as it Will come in handy, when it comes time to purchase a home, do upgrades, a newer car or even a much deserved vacation! That's what I did with most of my little inheritance, a 3 weeks trip to the UK, with my sisters! We deserved it after everything we went through, and you do too!

Guest, I was the "step and fetcher" too, for so long, the one who made all of my FIL's Dr's appointments, took him too, and still do , managed Rx's, still do, did all the research over the years for him and myself, finding this site, for my own mental health! I've completed enough pprk over the years, to wallpaper my whole Darn house, and still fetch the few things my FIL still needs and desires from the local stores.

Now that he is in AL, those chores are much easier and of course shared by my husband, who still does the brunt of the visiting and chores, its still taking some getting used to, but it is doable, and he is settling in nicely at AL.

But You, staying out of the Fray, and all I can say is GOOD FOR YOU GIRL! Like you, we've both done it All for our Own Parents, and I'll be GD'd, that our husband's can and should learn how to deal with all of this BS on their own, especially when there are family conflicts on how things should be done in regards to their health, living arrangements and ongoing care! If you can stay out of it and let the 2 brothers hash it all out, all the better! In that way I wish my husband had a reliable sibling to help out, but he doesn't, so it's all on us til the end.

Thank God we did not have that in my own family, and there were 6 kids, all on the same page, in that regard! I do know how Lucky I am!

On the other hand, I will say, that it is good, that my husband Does Not have to deal with or account to his deadbeat siblings! It does make it tough, when it's all on you, which is why I do still help my hubby, For my hubby, and God knows what I would do if something happened to him! Would I honestly be responsible for the old geezer? EeeGads, I can't bare to think of it! Good thing hubby is healthy as a horse, except for a crummy back, and has never smoked and does not drink, and is pretty fit for an 62 (in Oct) year old guy! Yay, Social Security! My Angel!

Golden, so glad your trip was a success, and that you made it home in time for your own appointment! I am sure you are tuckered out, as all that driving and activity does take it out of you! And you are right, we Do need a vacation! We are planning one with my sister, who has a time share Condo, probably to the Oregon Coast in September, my favorite time of year to car travel, I love the Autumn, and all the kiddies are back to school, and her Condo's are always so beautiful!

I had a great day yesterday with my 3 sisters and 2 cousins! My eldest cousin hosted us all, in her backyard, cooking homemade pizza on the barbecue. It was delicious, with green and fruit salad, and a yummy desert! We played hearts, and then a terribly funny game, given to her from her daughter for Christmas, a sort of "fill in the blanks" type card game, where all the answers were Bloody Rude and Awful! Everyone but me (the designated driver) were all at little tipsy, which made it hilarious, and I'm sure all the surrounding neighbors could hear us roaring with laughter, it was super fun! Unfortunately my Charlie-girl went with me, 6 hours away from home, hot weather, though she saw always in the shade and we'll hydrated, turned up feeling poorly today, and upset tummy. These little Chihuahuas are so temperamental when it comes to changing up their schedule. She Loved all the attention, but it does affect her. Plus my sister was with us over the weekend, so she's been all out of sorts this week. She is all better now, eating and drinking, and running and fetching, but it took the morning, rehydration her with the syringe and Pedialyte. She's barely 5#'s on a good day, and these little hiccups can cause a 1/2# weight-loss, if I'm not on top of what goes in and what comes out, and she's a skinny little Mite! Lol! I just Love that little thing! ❤

SharynM, I'll bet you are just Loving seeing you Grandies every day, but know what I mean when it comes to your pooch!

Upset, your bathroom sounds delightful, and I'm so glad you are thinking ahead to your own old age needs, as they creep up faster than we think, huh!?

Glad, how are you doing Love, hope everything is settling down for you, and you are back to work, al ways a happy distraction I'll bet!

Hugs to Everybody!

Re BC fire, just heard that my grandkids other grandmother was evacuated. She had a stroke several years ago and has been in a facility for a while. Poor dear. She didn't even want to leave her floor to have a meal in the dining room with her visiting family, so I expect this will be very hard on her. Around 40,000 have been evacuated from what I read. It is bringing back some emotions now.

I think I would bill the trust, I agree do what you can on your own behalf towards your future. Sounds like the order needs to be revisited. 103 is too much!!!

The court order was very confusing. Me and my attorney interpreted that I should be paid for 2012, twisteds and their attorney, interpreted differently that I should be paid from the time that checks for reimbursement were written, early 2013. Checks I did not cash because of suspicion that twisteds would say that was my pay for 2012. Not even half of what the court ordered. I checked with my attorney and she said that the order becomes law.

Yes, I think I could bill the trust myself.

Glad, Is it possible for you to bill the trust directly yourself without using an attorney? Can you bill before her estate is settled? That is hot! Maybe the storm will shift and cool down a little. We're in the low 70's - typical Maine weather. Although our summers are warmer than they used to be.

I would do whatever I had to do to help with my own future.

IMO
Part I
In a civil court case, the judge orders attorneys fees to be paid. The prevailing party (that was you) would most likely have their atorneys fees ordered to be paid.
Bill the trust, imo.  Send it Registered, Certified Mail.

Part II
o dear Glad. This is so frought with toxic narcs, can you ask your attorney to bill the trust for you?

Opinions, please. I do not want to stir up dysfunction and attorney fees again. I was paid for 2013, 2014, and the part of 2015 that I cared for mom. I was not paid for 2012, but received reimbursements for items I had paid for mom. But, attorney fees all out of my pocket ends up quite significant. Do I bill the trust? Very mixed on this, the money would make a huge difference in my life and retirement planning, a place to live, etc. But, maybe just not worth it? All twisteds attorney fees were paid by mom, such a shame, and unbelievable dysfunction because they could not believe what they were told by many.

103 here today. UGH! hear a storm about ten miles south, that sure does not look like it is going to get here. Please rain!

Rainey, it's incredible, the degrees in which my husband's siblings would go to try to worm their way back in, after being almost completely absent from their parents lives in the 33 years that I've been a part of this family!

My bipolar alcoholic SIL has had (supposed) cancer and been (supposedly) near Death, many a time in the last 20 years, but interestingly enough, has Never undergone treatment for said illnesses. I mean, how Low do you go, to scare your parents into thinking you are dying, only to gain their sympathy and there Money! It worked too, but that was long ago, now she only attempts these same scenarios to gain attention, usually brought on by alcoholic binges, with many slurred and nonsensical phone calls, which we quit answering when possible.

My BIL also uses his health issues, although we do know that he has a bad heart requiring a 4 graph bypass, and now is entertaining and Aortic Anyurism, for many months now, but no treatment plan yet developed, huh?

All these things to mainly stirring the pot, make you feel sorry for them, even though we've said many a time, that any money their Dad has left, will most certainly be used up, to care for him in his old age, and it isn't that much anyhow!

Gosh, haven't they had enough? My poor husband, who has been their for his parents our entire marriage, been the mainstay child, seen to their every need, including the selling of there home, moving them near to us, taking in their Dad for 13 years, and the continued looking out for him, and still they want to worm their way back in, especially bad brother, as I am thinking my husband's older 1/2 sister has finally given up, knowing that there's not much left to get, and that my husband has that sewn up tight, to hold the Old Man for the next few years.

Won't you know, that they will come crawling back wanting what's left, the minute he passes though! It is the least of my worries at this point, but just having to deal with them, now that is the kicker!

Hubby's brother has been calling nearly daily, just trying to restore and cozy up to my husband, acting repentant, and wanting bygones be bygones and a renewed friendship. Easy enough when you've never lifted a finger to help all these years, and just dropped All of the parental responsibilities on your little brother, and the many times he's screwed us out of money too! Good on You Mate!

Agggh, it drives me Crazy, if you hadn't noticed? Yup, I guess I should be on The Whine thread myself today, Lol!

So That's a smidgen of how our lives have been like, dealing with the circling Vultures! 33 years of this now, it's getting Really Old, but Complete Under Control! Yep!

guest - you do so well with the circus. Not being available is a huge part of it. The financials sound like they are getting complicated. "The desire to appear involved while actually doing none of the real day to day work or information gathering. I don't get it" I don't get it either.

east - I sure hope your mother gets the help she needs! Let us know what happens.

stacey - I wonder if bil is having crocodile tears. I really wonder. I am so glad your hub controls the check book.

rainey - zero tolerance sounds about right. Good for you.

upset - you are so fortunate having a good contractor. You will enjoy the changes. A screened in porch sounds heavenly. Mosquitoes and black flies are the pits. Here the black flies have killed cattle. I am stunned at your bad bro's behaviour and your mother's support of him. Sick sick sick! I am glad you are away from them now. Writing to ask for someone to care for your mum??? Unbelieveable!!! I am home and resting thx.

sharyn - so glad your sis's problems are not yours. She will have to figure something else out.

Got home in time to change my clothes, brush my teeth, and go to my appointment. R has already had his exchange with the LPN college and follow up procedures. We are not interested in the individuals, but in the med handling system. I am tired today so not doing much. Driving over 10 hrs, Sunday to Tuesday is a lot for me.

Talked with dd and she said that mother complained of hip pain when sitting during their visit last October, so I need to follow up with that as well as with her hearing, but need to recover a bit first. I did authorise more pain meds as needed when we all met which may be enough, though she may need to be moved back to bed sooner than she has been.

Take care all

Guest, you are doing great with staying out of it. I have no idea what my sis is going to do re her health issues. My brother sure can't be available with his own health. Stay strong.

Upset, I am trying. As we all support each other, thanks for every good thought from everyone here. I just don't understand not holding someone accountable for giving you information if you agree to be a power of attorney. I've been told more than once by my husband that, unlike me with my mother when she was in throes of alcoholism and raging denial of abuse, "he can't just walk away from a parent until they behave better". My therapist had to retire due to a neck surgery that went wrong. And talking to a new one setting up relationship takes time and energy that I don't have to spare right now. Oops, whine thread moment there:) It's weird. The desire to appear involved while actually doing none of the real day to day work or information gathering. I don't get it. But see, to use Dorker's words - I was the step and fetcher for so long, he didn't have to.

Guest, Hang tight. I'm with you. Not your circus; not your monkeys. I got a letter from cousins yesterday. They had mailed it to all of the first cousins. They detailed their desire for one of us to take o n the care of their mother in one of our homes. They already came to Maine twice trying to dump her on me. Another cousin called me and said she wrote no across the letter and signed her name. I cannot imagine sending a letter to people asking someone to take care of my Mom.

Funny how dysfunction is the gift that keeps on giving. Hubs had his 40 minute visit last night with his parents, MIL and FIL. FIL left to deliver papers to attorney regarding Medicaid. I really tried not to ask questions. Hubs mentioned that his brother said that they need to talk about what will happen if father has a problem. When I asked for clarity, hubs said you know if he can't live without care at home like MIL. I said it was simple. You do exactly what FIL did with MIL. Give him a list of what he needs to do to live at home - hire 24/7 caregivers which is more expensive than AL/NH - spend down his money if he goes into facility and then put him on Medicaid. Now FIL and MIL have an attorney familiar with their financials and that can shepherd the application. Done.
Um, now husband says there are assets being retitled - bank accounts that MIL name is being taken off - house deed being redone - other assets being moved at a time that supposedly Medicaid has been applied for - AHHHH. But husband doesn't know what and isn't making a point of being included in planning with lawyer. FIL said something in passing about if he died first, leaving money to sons and they could "take care of mother with it". Not without busting Medicaid...not my circus, not my monkeys, keep repeating my mantra. Had a lovely dinner with friend who is having live-in problems with boyfriend and teenage daughter. Hubs did make passing comment that he was asked where I was and he "made my excuses". I broke a little there. "No excuses needed - you went to see your mother leaving from your work where I am NOT."