The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Rainey, After years of his inference my other brother and I have banned our bad brother. We've now gone for almost two months without him making legal threats, trying to get money out of us, etc. He and his adult children have now moved on to trying to get money from his wife's family. I feel sorry for them. But, I did warn her sister what they would do. 

Golden, Hope your back home and resting up.

Ali, How are your allergic reactions?

Stacy, You're not lazy. You're working at your own pace.

I'm back to my up way too early routine. Baking cookies. Think I'll make some banana bread next.

Upset,
The indoor porch! Yes! Love it! Just heard the canandian geese honking away overhead on their evening commute! I love nature! I would be sitting on that porch with ya, glass of wine in hand! 😉🍷
It is a great comfort knowing such a great contractor you do not have to babysit!
I cannot believe he came over to your house for a week every year, paid for by your Mom. I would have never let him in! My goodness, you really are a saint! I would have creamed my brother if he came over, mooched off me and then caused horrible incidents to scar my family! My husbands cousins are no longer welcome back after their performance this time around. We have developed a zero tolerance policy since the brother blow-out. No more. You act like a jerk, you lose the privilege. That simple. My brother is lashing out because by law, I CAN ban him from the property, that is why he won't stop bashing me in his cards to my mother. He is just giving me more evidence if ever I need it.

Rainey, Be thankful you don't live on the oceanfront. I did for about 13 years when I was married. My brother, his wife and children would come for a week. My Mom would give them money to come. But, during the week I would have to pay for various amusements, trips to water park, out to eat and finally have to give him money for gas back to WV. I had to pay for him and obnoxious wife to visit along with their bratty kids. To this day those visits are a real sore spot with my son. User brothersdon't change. If they're after money, they won't stop.

Thanks Rainey. If I had hit my brother , Mom would have had me thrown in jail. I do have a great contractor. He always estimates his time correctly. My original  degree is in housing and real estate. He was a classmate years ago in a housing construction class. He's good. I think my next project is going to be having my front porch refloored and screened in. I would love to sit out and watch the loons and ducks on the lake, but the black flies and mosquitoes make that impossible.

Upset,
You must have the greatest contractors on your bath, that is half the battle! Happy all is going well without any added stress! So sad about your Mom and brother but believe me, I understand! I can't believe he hit you as an adult! I would have found the nearest cast iron frying pan or filed charges. Your Mom enabled him just like mine did. I am so sorry he hurt you so, I have to believe in karma, whether in this life or the next.

Stacy, thanks for your understanding, yes he truly is a manipulative con artist using God, Jesus and Mother Mary as his cover for what a good person he has become and why can't I just forgive him as Jesus would? Update, he invited himself, his wife and child to my Aunt's in Chicago, already he has gotten her to agree to pay for their cab fare from airport. What a class act!

The bath reno continues. Toilet and vanity installed. Wall tile installation started - will be completed tomorrow. Floor on Thursday. Painting, hanging towel racks, installing linen cabinet, medicine cabinet, etc. on Friday. And finished! Still sad that I'm getting the bathroom Mom wanted.

East, I hope your brother gets your mother the care she needs. I wouldn't want her to have another fall.

Rainey, My Mom would let my brother say or do what he wanted. A couple of years ago he slapped me - got a bloody nose and bruise on my face. She said I asked for it because I told him to stay out of my business. It was like going back to our childhood. For a brief time before Mom died I thought she changed. But then I found the evidence she was still doing the same old things for him. I hate the way she acted, but I'm glad that I did what I could for her.

PJ brought a bunch of his grandson's over. They helped pull weeds, picked a bushel of green beans. I've got the green beans all strung and snapped. Ready to start canning in the morning. I made cucumber/green/red pepper relish today. Also made green chili tomato salsa. I've got six kinds of peppers ready. PJ likes really hot salsa - I think I've got just the thing for him.

Just got call from hubs. Oh, he's leaving work to drive up to see his parents (only 30 miles from his work, 60+ from our house). *big sigh* "I guess I'll give them your good wishes". Sure, honey. Same here with friend I'm having dinner with. Love you!

Hang on.

EastEagle, you say your brother went to see your mother last night, some hours after the care planning meeting that you both took part in, and said he was concerned about how much 24/7 in-home care would cost.

Well he's not wrong. It'll cost a mint. Be that as it may...

It was your mother who reported your brother's comments to you, was it?

What was agreed as a result of the care planning meeting? Call your brother and discuss that with him direct.

Rainy, I completely understand what you mean, as my husband's 2 siblings conned Everything they could out of their parents, right up until his Mom died, and his Dad moved in with us. It was a way of life with them, to the tune of many, many thousands of dollars! They continued to try to eek money out of my FIL even after he moved in, but my husband soon put a stop to it.

My FIL wouldn't have had the money to live in Assisted living, had he lived on his own, as they surely would have ramped up their demands of any money he had left, and for that reason only, I am glad he lived with us all those years.

Interestingly enough, now that my FIL is in AL, my husband's brother is "acting" remorseful, and wanting a relationship with my husband and his Dad, and is even calling the Old Man. When I speak with my BIL, I am cordial, as often this is the only way to find out information (BAD STACEY!), and he tells me that his longest phone call with his Dad is 45 seconds, so that kinda tells you the state of their relationship, while my husband spends a good hour with him at the AL nearly every day. Oh well, I can't change the history of their relationships! Not my circus, not my monkey, as the saying goes! They were really horrible to their parents, it's so sad! We still have to be careful,  but my husband controls his Dad's checkbook, and they both live out of state,  so that's good!  

EastEagle, my fear (and I'm sure yours too) is that your brother won't adhere to the recommendations from the Rehab team, and that she won't be getting the 24/7 care that she so desperately requires, at least it sounds that way from all that you've said about your brother and your Mom's not ever wanting people in her home, so it's a accident just waiting to happen.

She will likely take another fall, and could do, even With home health care in attendance. It's all so very sad, when family doesn't adhere to the advice of the medical professionals, and I know you are upset with this! Why ever doesn't she go directly into a Nursing home, where she would get All of her needs met, as it certainly seems likely that it is eventually going to be what's needed, and then you will finally be able to stop the ever ending worry of her, or at least it would lessen quite a bit.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this stress, as I know it isn't good for your own health!

The one thing that I always found interesting is that WE WORRY about our parents All the time, while they sit back and let us, often throwing obstacles in our way! Grrr, I find/found that so frustrating, but there's the way of it, I suppose. These are the things that I think about regarding my own kids. I never want to be a burden to them, and of course both my kids say "don't worry Mom, we'll be there for you. See, I'm already worrying about it! Lol! But then again, I'm a worrier by nature. It keeps me up at night, and I know how bad it is for your health, raising cortisol levels, Never good!

Have have a lunch date with my 3 sisters and 3 cousins today, and the weather is Gorgeous once more! Life isn't bad at all right now, so I need to concentrate on the here and now! There's plenty of time to worry later!

Have a Wonderful Day everyone!

I realize now why I get so upset about badbro still harrassing me. Because once again, I have nobody in my corner to defend me and I am powerless to stop it. Same as when I was a child. It never ends for me. Mom is a coward and always has been, she could have stopped this and never did. No matter what he did, she never put him in his place. I feel so helpless.

Hi All: I have been reading all of your posts, and the ones about the "bad brothers" have really hit home for me, and it makes me feel that I am not alone. I'm sorry for not posting any replies so far, but I have been so tied up with my Mother's situation. As I mentioned, my Mother fell and broke her hip on July 1st, and had surgery on July 3rd. Soon after that she was sent to rehab. She will be going home by the beginning of next week. On Monday, I was actually in on the meeting with the Social Workers, Therapists, etc., by phone, they allowed me to do that with a conference call. My Brother did not attend in person, he was also on the phone, even though he had told me that he would be there in person. He was at work, and was aggravated that he had to take time out of his day for the meeting. So the bottom line is: my Mother will be needing 24/7 home health care at home, that means overnight too, and they said that due to all of her health issues - she cannot go into assisted living. She has already made it clear to me that she would never go to AL anyway. They gave my Mother and my Brother a list of agencies to choose from, the ones that they recommend. So, last night, my Brother went to see our Mother, and he said he was concerned about how much her care is going to cost. He wants her money. I know, for a fact, that my Mother has a savings account which has enough money to cover around the clock care for at least a year, maybe more. My Mother has been saving that money, and it is in her Will - that this money would be split 50/50 - going to me and to my Brother. I told her many times that I absolutely do not want a penny of it, and that I wanted her to spend it on herself. She has refused to use any of it for herself, in fact she would not even get the hearing aids that she really needed, and that was 7 years ago. So now her hearing is much worse. Right now she thinks that she will be getting a few hours of home visits from the Therapists. She could not hear what we discussed at the meeting, so she has no idea about the around the clock care. They told us that she is at very high risk of falling again. So anyway, I am very worried that my Brother will not get her all the help that she needs, I don't want to "jump to conclusions" yet. He has POA, so his name is on her bank accounts. At this point, I am very worried, but I will just have to wait and see if he does the right thing. Thanks All

Hello and a fine Tuesday to all! I have to share a dysfunctional laugh today. The saga continues, but with a bit of a twist that reminds me that we have a voice in our destiny.
MIL is now in AL. FIL told them when she hit end of rehab days after supra pubic catheter and 2nd hospital stay in 4 months that he could no longer do 24/7 care at home. Which is true for the COPD in end stages, stroke survivor, dry alcoholic NARCISSIST. I actually think she'll get better care in the AL. Now the funny part. BIL and husband have visited MIL and FIL very seldom in their home or at rehab over last 7 months. *shrug*. I don't take over, I'm not managing it THIS TIME. *freedom*. Last Saturday, BIL calls husband while we are waiting for seating for brunch and talks about his visit with MIL in AL this week. "She's so unhappy. It wasn't her idea. FIL made the decision. She's in Medicaid bed in shared room and it's not very nice. I think FIL is trying to have her declared spousal impoverishment. FIL is controlling her and won't allow visitors." I listened to husband vent, then said mildly "MIL's not been declared incompetent. If she has home health care that she can organize and pay for, or can self-care, she can go home. FIL has every right to speak for himself and say that HE can't do it any more without help at home that she keeps sending away or he doesn't want to pay for." THE STUNNED LOOK. I waited for the next piece from husband; doesn't take long. "Let's visit BIL - he suggested we come by. No, we don't need to call." Of course, BIL is not at his car shop 4 hours later. And hubs is now within 5 miles of parents' home and AL. I'm sitting quietly in car as we leave shop and head for city that his parents home and AL are in. He asks what I would like to do. In my enabling past, I would have asked if he wanted to visit parents. In my difficult present, I suggested we go eat BBQ at restaurant that is 45 minutes away but eventually on the route we are on ;) ....We get to an intersection and hubs says "oh, if you turn right here we would be at *the AL*." I reply "oh. and if you look on the left, there's a new brunch place." We drove on and had BBQ later. Dysfunction junction - Hubs wants me to be the involved driving force. He finally broke that:( Now today, he wanted to know plans. I'm having dinner with friend. Oh, he was thinking about parents and visit. Perfect - he can go and I won't be "alone and him worried about me". Oh, he wanted company for the trip although he knew it was not what I wanted to do. Said let me know where he was going tonight-I have dinner plans with friend:)))). Naughty me.

G'morning everyone

(((((((upset))))) the meltdown was coming. I know so well those mixed feelings of grief and compassion, for a parent who was abusive. Such ugly behaviour by bad bro. She deserved better. My sis wanted to please mother by moving her to a cheaper inferior alf which mother had chosen for herself while the dementia was progressing. Up till then mother had made good decisions for herself. I could not stop them, but I let them know that I felt it was not a good place for mother and I would not help. As sis had no intention of actually doing the work, it stopped the move.

These sibs!!!

Rainey I know you are going through it too. ((((hugs)))) to you

stacey - both errors were mother getting some one else's meds. I can see you are overwhelmed by all the changes and potential changes. I don't think you are lazy but tired. You have been dealing with a lot and it builds up after a while. Maybe you and hub need a holiday.

ali - one step at a time. Personally I would not lie on an application. It might come back and bite you in the butt. Starting small is fine.

cm - not worth the aggravation? We suffer fools less well after a loss.

sharyn - thx I am doing OK.

Up and almost ready to go. Had a lovely dinner last night with R. They have a very good kitchen here and will invent a sauce for me if the one on the menu has dairy or gluten. The day is cool, but clear. I had breakfast and sat outside on the hotel patio for while and relaxed with my coffee. They have a very nice area enclosed with evergreens and focussed on a 24/7 year around fire in a large stone bowl. It doesn't entirely shut out the city, but you can hear the birds chirping and look at the greenery. I should make it back home with time to spare before my appointment.

Anyone I have left out, (((((hugs))))) to you too.

Have a good day, all. Find a little pocket of peace.

Sharyn, that made me smile - the thought of Midget sleeping the sleep of the just after a hard day's work keeping the little humans busy. It's a dog's life!

Upset, I understand how poignant that bath installation must be. Among the things I couldn't get the joint POA sibs to authorise were damp treatment and new carpeting in mother's rooms. "Not worth it." I still want to reach out and take them warmly by the throat over that.

Email from an old friend to say he's coming to the UK next month. I quote: "If you are free it would be really great to see you after so long - over 2 years - last visit April 15 when chaos is the only way to describe house visitors, home help and estate agents [tr. realtors]."

Yes. House visitors, home help, estate agents - and my dying mother. Seems to have slipped his mind, that part. Or perhaps he thinks it would be tactless to mention it in relation to the chaos.

I don't think I am free, actually. Shame.

Upset,
Wow. My chin dropped again reading your story and I completely understand the bitter sweet reaction to your remodel. Wish I could give you a much needed hug. Yes, that story is heart breaking and cruel. I did a large remodel last year where a family was creating a downstairs area for the aging parent. I took one look at the blue prints and saw they had drawn in a tub. They were on a budget because it was a whole house remodel. I immediately told her that would be a mistake putting in a regular tub because eventually it would become dangerous for her as she got older. I talked her into a walk in with a bench and a hand shower. Thankfully she listened. People do not think ahead, I was trained in ADA design so I am always thinking about it. Saved her from a potential accident and another remodel. I cannot imagine your poor mother falling and nobody there to help her! Then your brother not allowing her proper safety, what a piece of work! My mind does not remotely understand the thought process. I know you are the same way.

Rainey, yes the taxes in California are insane. Like you, we didn't want to leave as long as we had a living parent. My mom had been suffering from Alzheimer's since 2009. She also had a personality disorder, my fil had CHF which took him down quickly starting in April last year with him passing in July.

I am so sorry your brother is rattling his cage again. These selfish siblings who all their parents money with no regard to the parents care and quality of life.  

Stacey, it is hard to get my mind around my brother. No one deserves these dx's and so hard to understand sometimes. I am glad he has his wife. She has lost so much already beginning with her 38 year son in 2013 to cancer.

Ali, good luck with the apartment search. Hopefully something will become available soon.

Been a busy day as dd and I went out scavenging pallets. She wants to use them for craft projects and they were free, lol!! We actually got them right here in my neighborhood. Lots of construction still in progress with building new homes.

Tomorrow babysitting the boys for a few hours again. They sure wear out poor Midget and Tiger I have to put in the bedroom when they are here as he just can't get adjusted to their rambunctiousness.

Golden, I hope you feel some peace of mind re your mother. Yes, moving her to skilled nursing may be the best thing at this point. It sounds like they are not able to handle her needs now. I hope you rest up, rest comfortably.

Rainey, Sorry to hear your brother has shown up again. My brother is the proverbial bad penny who always show back up. I'm so sorry. You're doing the right thing to protect your Mom from his financial abuse.

The installers came today to put in the walk-in bathtub. It looks nice. They ran it full to make sure the jets worked, no leaks, shower heads worked, etc. Everything worked perfectly. After they left, so much grief hit me. Mom and I used to watch the commercials for the walk-in bathtubs. Mom really needed and wanted one. Every time she mentioned it my bad brother would point out that she signed over her half of the duplex to him and that she could not alter his building without his permission. Then he got her POA and he refused to give her anything that cost money, even though she had the money. She had a bad fall in the tub. He was on vacation for two weeks at the time. I didn't have enough ready cash for a walkin tub. But while he was gone I bought all the supplies for a walk-in shower and hired someone to install. She had a bench and dual shower heads. He threw a fit about me having something done to his house. He threatened me. Then he threatened to sue the guy who installed. The installer told him to go ahead and sue - that he would be happy to tell the judge how badly he had seen my brother treat me and Mom. Anyway, Mom should have had one of these tubs. It makes me beyond sad to have the tub that Mom should have had. She was 85 at the time and had back problems and severe arthritis. That tub could have made her more comfortable. She was a pain in the butt and played favorites, but she should have had what would have made her more comfortable. It's been a sad evening for me.

I have great credit and have some savings. That's the thing -- it isn't enough! It's always been enough in the past but here they want to see your current pay stubs, they want employment and income verification. If I want a bigger place, I'd have to do as Glad suggests and have a friend be my "employer" or perhaps make a fake offer letter from a company in the city.

I don't like the idea, but...

These 2 bedrooms in my price range, in the area that I want, they don't come up very often at all.  I'm keeping an eye out and I do have at least another month to try to find one.  Fingers crossed that something will come along.  And when it does, I'll be ready this time.  No more "it's been rented" as the response to my application lol.  

And if something else doesn't come along, I'll start with friend's building and go from there.  Yeah.  :)  Everything will be ok, one step at a time. I'm sorting through it all now but in a few months, it will all be in place if I keep working at it.  Thanks.  

Golden,
My heart is with you, sounds like things are getting somewhat accomplished but I am with you, I do not believe the story. Aides should not be giving meds, period. There has to be a clear trail of responsibility, one med nurse, per shift, giving out all meds so there is no question who gave who what and when. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. That is why there is such strict protocal in any ALF's here. No exeptions.
Glad your tough mother is making a recovery. Now it sounds like you need to. Stay put if you are too wiped out to make the trip home, I have no doubt it was mentally and emotionally draining.
*Hugs*

Stacy,
Thanks. Today another crazy greeting card from my twisted bro, once again, accusing me of this and that, elder abuse, he is about a dozen cards short of a full deck. My mother is spoiled rotten! He is still mad I booted him from the property and will not give me a moments peace. I stopped him from taking anymore financial advantage of Mom, that is my job, to protect her. You bet this is the hardest darn thing I have ever had to deal with besides what my brother did to me when I was a child. Here we go again. If I had known how things would turn out, I would have deeply apologized to Mom and said, "I'm sorry, I just can't go through this with him again." *Sighs* Waiting for the end of dealing with him forever. Everytime I start to settle down, he is back again.

Ali, don't discount the friends Studio Apartment, you could make it very cute and cozy, plus build your rental history at the same time, although you may have to pay for a small storage shed for while. Hopefully, it is near the area where you plan on finding employment, and you can also build a social network, if ya know what I mean, 😉😍😗😙😚❤! Lol!

Golden, I've been thinking about the situation with your Mom, and the 2x's mix up of her injectable medications, and one that wasn't even her own!

I know that when I worked in Family Medicine, we as Certified Medical Assistants, gave thousands of immunizations, and many other types of injectable medications, and over the years the protocols changed, but in the last 10 or so years of my working there, it was made policy, that we Always pulled aside another MA to confirm the medications, and the dosage to check and double check. Now when my own parents were in Rehab post hospitalization for one reason or another, the RN was the only person who was allowed to dispense meds, let alone give injections, and certainly Never a Nurses Aide, not that their job isn't as important, just that they do not get the Pharmacology training or have the malpractice insurance coverage that the NA's do not have. As MA's, we fell under our Dr's malpractice insurance. I was able to give oral, rectal, any injections, draw blood from a vein or artery, but Never allowed to give any type injection directly into a vein, or do IV therapy, that was only done by the Dr or the RN, and we even gave high powered narcotic injections too! It just doesn't seem correct that a Nurses Aid should be allowed to be dispensing medications at all! And now in hindsight I believe that you said it was the Nurses Aide who gave the injections, but I could be wrong there, and if so, disregard everything I just wrote, Lol!

I hope your day went well, and that all of your concerns were answered, and hopefully from this point forward, they strive to implement a rigid safety policy that this sort of thing never happens again! It could have proven disastrous, and that would have been very sad indeed!

Golden, glad everything went well, at least as well as it could.

Stacey, there are times that I am very envious of you family and how you all manage to help each other. Wish I could say the same, it would make everything so much easier.

Ali, just get what you can to establish a history and close to where you would want to work. Hoping that you find something easily. When married we keep our credit rating that we shared with spouse, until something happens that shows differently. If the credit is bad, it is a long road back. But you being a single person, no credit rating other than your own to use. It will be hard, but I would lie. Need a reference? You can use me. That may just do the trick. Find a friend that would vouch for whatever you say, even employment. I have a friend that has done just that.

Gershun - yes, a few memories, There is support here from locals sending stuff to BC which is nice to see. I think I was more bothered around the date of the evac than I am now. Maybe due to this fuss over mother

Thx re the meeting everyone.

It went well. "Strangely" enough everyone found time in their calendars to be there except the pharmacist. We cancelled the meeting on the 27th, but I will follow up with the DOC. They said they had very few drug errors. I am not convinced. We got info about what happened for the 2nd error. I was distressed to hear that mother was crying out in pain which caused the aide to rush to get meds and she got the wrong stuff, or that was the story. The first error was just a plain mistake. I questioned about the pain, as no one has mentioned it, and said if she needs more pain meds give it to her. I gather the pain was from being immobile and sitting in one position. The caseworker repeated what she told me last year which was that mother needs more and more hours from the staff, and asked if I would approve a complete evaluation of mother's physical and mental health, as she probably needs to be moved to another facility. I agreed as I think it is inevitable now, and perhaps it is better.

The actions that are being taken as a result of the errors are retraining of the individuals, general staff retraining and awareness, and bringing in this computerized system for checking the meds. We stressed the need for continually raising awareness. I asked R to run the meeting as that is his area, and he did a great job. He will follow up with phone calls and emails to several gov't departments and the politically active volunteer organization. The lady I spoke to on the weekend presented better than on the phone, I was pleased to see, but still does not inspire much confidence in me. I felt good about the DOC.

Mother's fever is back to normal, as are her vital signs,so she has weathered this storm. She is one strong lady. R and I had a visit with her, She said she could not hear us so I have to follow up with that. She recognised us right away and since talking was useless, we just sat with her, and I held her hand. Her grasp was surprisingly strong.

I am tired from the trip down and don't know if I can get back home tomorrow in time for my appointment. My therapist is going away for 3 weeks, so I would like to make it. I will have to leave by 9 am which is not bad. Will have to see how I feel. If I need to, I will stay another day.

Talking about the weather, it is cool, about 60, and threatening rain here. I prefer that to extreme heat.

Take care all.

Gershun - yes, a few memories, There is support here from locals sending stuff to BC which is nice to see. I think I was more bothered around the date of the evac than I am now. Maybe due to this fuss over mother

Thx re the meeting everyone.

It went well. "Strangely" enough everyone found time in their calendars to be there except the pharmacist. We cancelled the meeting on the 27th, but I will follow up with the DOC. They said they had very few drug errors. I am not convinced. We got info about what happened for the 2nd error. I was distressed to hear that mother was crying out in pain which caused the aide to rush to get meds and she got the wrong stuff, or that was the story. The first error was just a plain mistake. I questioned about the pain, as no one has mentioned it, and said if she needs more pain meds give it to her. I gather the pain was from being immobile and sitting in one position. The caseworker repeated what she told me last year which was that mother needs more and more hours from the staff, and asked if I would approve a complete evaluation of mother's physical and mental health, as she probably needs to be moved to another facility. I agreed as I think it is inevitable now, and perhaps it is better.

The actions that are being taken as a result of the errors are retraining of the individuals, general staff retraining and awareness, and bringing in this computerized system for checking the meds. We stressed the need for continually raising awareness. I asked R to run the meeting as that is his area, and he did a great job. He will follow up with phone calls and emails to several gov't departments and the politically active volunteer organization. The lady I spoke to on the weekend presented better than on the phone, I was pleased to see, but still does not inspire much confidence in me. I felt good about the DOC.

Mother's fever is back to normal, as are her vital signs,so she has weathered this storm. She is one strong lady. R and I had a visit with her, She said she could not hear us so I have to follow up with that. She recognised us right away and since talking was useless, we just sat with her, and I held her hand. Her grasp was surprisingly strong.

I am tired from the trip down and don't know if I can get back home tomorrow in time for my appointment. My therapist is going away for 3 weeks,so I would like to make it. I will have to leave by 9 am which is not bad. Will have to see how I feel. If I need to, I will stay another day.

Talking about the weather, it is cool, about 60, and threatening rain here. I prefer that to extreme heat.

Take care all.

Ali, I know the limitations of the studio, but it would give you an up-to-date rental history. And it would make the higher paying jobs more accessible. Good luck with all of it! I lived in a studio after I got divorced to get a rental history and build a credit history of my own after 25 years of marriage. It helped me a lot.

Stacey, thanks for the input. Chicago is very strict about renting. I was told it would be like this, but going through it is another thing. I offered to pay 6 months of a 12 month lease up front, if that would help. It didn't help. I'm thinking that renting the studio apartment from my landlord friend may be my only option. At least I would get started with a rent history again by renting from him.

My only option to get a bigger place (for same amount of rent) would be to fabricate application details and I'm... not crazy about that idea, as you can imagine.  I'm thinking about all of it and trying to come up with what plan makes most sense at this time. :)

Golden, I hope all of your meetings go well. Best wishes for success.

Rainey, I'm always amazed at the costs in CA. But, for what it's worth the schools where my son lives are excellent. Plus, all of the good roads and nice parks. Unheard of in areas where they have cut services and taxes to the bone. I guess one can't have everything. My son and his family love CA. Especially after living in a more rural part of Nebraska. They got transferred there four years ago. There probably about due to get transferred again with my daughter-in-laws company. My son is a high school math and science teacher Masters level, so he can always find a job wherever they send her. Hope you're having a nice day.

Rainey, your commitment to your Mom is admirable, however do know that things do change, and we are aging right along side our parents. I hope that your Mom is the type that was kind and sweet before the dementia, and that it carries through, as her dementia increases. Please know your own limitations, and find the resources to help you as you go along, and those "promises", they do not need to be honored, as we are only human, just vow to do the best that you can for her, and be comfortable with that!

Caregiving is the hardest I have ever done in my life, and I worked in direct, hands on health care for 30 + years!

Prior to my FIL coming to live with us for 13 years, (he is now in AL X 2 months), both my parents were very ill with difficult disease processes, and my MIL had CHF too! Thankfully as I have mentioned, I come from a very close knit family of 6 siblings, and together we all chipped in, caring for them until the end, where all 3 parents passed away within a 14 months span of time, and directly, my FIL moved in with us.

Boy oh boy, it's has been a very dificult road, and still is to some degree, though much better, now that he isn't living under the same roof with us! This is the first time in our 33 years together, that we haven't been directly responsible for a child (we collectively had 4 together), or a parent. Just reestablishing our marriage is a feat in itself! We certainly do not know what it's like to live alone together, and it's Weird!

There is enough outside family goings on, that it doesn't give us time to really concentrate on it, but Man, the things that make you say Hmmm! Lol!

I have found that with my FIL out of the way here, hubby wants to get a lot of things updated, painting, clearing out STUFF, yard work and such, but without his Dad here, he is just so messy, leaving piles of stuff in the wake, things boxed up, painting drape cloths, paint cans and brushes, tools all over the kitchen counter, and everywhere else, all of the pictures from the walls are down, not yet put up on the freshly painted walls, as we are still undecided whether we are staying or selling, and my house has never been so messy and I hate it!

Something has got to give, decisions must be made, and hubby needs to get his act together! On the flip side, I am lazy, and he doesn't appreciate that either, but in my defense, I had a very bad bout of 3+ weeks of severe chest wall pain, and I truly feel that all of the stress leading up to getting his Dad placed into AL, did play part in that, so I feel we deserve to finally take break from all of the stressors, and not Rush right into Major decision making mode!

Gershun, I hope you know that you are welcome here Anytime! This just happens to be the thread where I found the most kinship and got very comfortable spilling my guts, and I also got very attached to these fine people, who also have simular stories to my own. I feel like I bring a little different perspective, in that my own family life was pretty normal, while it was my husband's that is so dysfunctional, but I love the folks on here, and have a vested interest in their lives! I Love when newcomers show up, and feel that same kinship, so Everyone is Welcome, I hope you know that! Everybody has a viewpoint that is important!

It's a Gorgeous day here in Sunny Seattle! We've had the most Glorious summer so far! My backyard us my sanctuary, where I Love to catch up on the blog!

Golden, good luck today!

Take care everyone!

Not sure why this occasionally posts things twice!