notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
Re: back story, I lost everything in the AC upgrade. Just haven't been able to face redoing it - I go to the edit function and find I don't want to think about it. But I agree it can be annoying when that part is blank on profiles.
CM, I'm in Chicago area. It's a mild summer so far, very pleasant, which is good so that I don't need air conditioning, since that seems to make symptoms worse. Totally agree about minding one's symptoms too much. I do wish I had more distraction in the form of company, but... it's unfortunately just me over here, feeling not great. I'm getting through.
I'm functioning today. There's not a lot of room to play around, meaning that I don't have extra energy, but I'm getting through the days right now and that's more than I was doing a month ago.
Golden, I will be grateful to be out of the house and see if that change alone doesn't clear up most of the stuff. :-) I hope you're having as pleasant a drive as you can. And, give em h*ll. Good luck.
You are not alone, and your honesty is always appreciated by me.
Your perspective is a valid contribution to wherever you are posting.
Sorry that you are still feeling ill.
That same catching in the throat has happened to me often.
Jumping up to breath from asleep is very scary.
By all means INTRUDE! Even with a loud AHEM! 😄 We are all here for each other, that is the beauty of this site! Say what is on your mind, ask any question, vent away dear, this is the place. We are each in our own way struggling with any number of issues at any given time and it has been my experience, only those who have walked in your shoes truly understand what you are going through. That in and of itself is a HUGE comfort to most of us and keeps us sane in the knowledge "we are not alone." So welcome, welcome, anytime! We are here. 🗯
Had a tough evening with my folks yesterday. Dad is home from the rehab but he is really weak. Mom was totally manic. She vacillated between snarky comments and dictating / micro managing us all. Poor Dad finally begged if he could just go lie down. Then Sis came by and ramped things up even more. She started hovering over Dad and made him get up to eat some cobbler that I brought. After that Dad begged to lie down again but she made him walk with her around the house. All the while, loudly lecturing him about how he is supposed to be doing his therapy. Dad looked like a beaten dog.
Meanwhile Mom was shooting me daggers. If I sat down she would dream up a task for me to do until I finally said I wanted to sit and finish eating. Then she started listing all the things she wanted me to do the next time I came over...wash her kitchen floor, strip the beds, cut her toenails. Even Sis picked up on how Mom was picking on me and told Mom she should ask the people they hired to help with cleaning and that there was a nurse who would cut her nails.
Conversation was either trash talk about others or what we need to be doing better for Dad. Mom and Sis were so loud and things were so chaotic my husband got a headache and I started to have a panic attack. That's the last time I visit the parents and Sis at the same time. God bless my family but I need to keep my distance.
rainey - Thanks for the support. The people doing meds should be very well trained. Apparently they aren't here. And the care manager's attitude would not help. What I meant is that I have 2 health conditions -Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is not just regular fatigue, which is bad enough, I know.
thx ali - it is good you got things sorted out with your mum. If your health gets better when you are elsewhere, then, at least some of your problems are due to the house. Good idea to look for some distractions. I think you are also experiencing something from going off the SSRI. - meaning some depression/ anxiety that it was treating.
madge - thank you. The Viking in me does rise on occasion. I will update on mother after I see her.
cm - exactly. I think she sets a "sloppy" tone and was quick to tell me about her first meds error. Uh uh! Truthfully, from her voice, I would say she is a smoker and a drinker. Smoker OK. Drinker in moderation OK. But, there was a slight slur or something in her gravelly voice that didn't sound right. Leadership is very important and I believe, in terms of the right qualities, lacking here. I do intend to go to government bodies to pursue this. Errors are to be reported to them. I will get a better picture from the caseworker about how that works. There are senior's organizations in E'ton who will take up a cause like this and raise a stink too. I always say I am not political, but I can be if needed.
Gershun, you are welcome and not intruding. Everyone is welcome. That is very useful info for ali. I hate that waking up like you can't breathe. I have gone through times like that. One thing that can cause it is drinking club soda, I made that connection for myself and then read it on the internet. I think also it may be stress related. Pets are a blessing. I so miss not having one.
re not having families. many of us share that. My kids are my family, a few cousins are very distantly OK, and then I have my dwindling group of friends. They die off at my age. I am blessed by this site and all of you.
glad - well said
upset - It is a time when some sadness comes out, even though you are better off not going to the family reunion. Good idea to get out and do something different. Good luck with the renos starting tomorrow.
The weather has turned cool, overcast and tending towards rain which is not bad for driving. I need to pack a very small bag for meds, an extra outfit, etc. and leave in a couple of hours . Should get there about supper time, and meet with R to plan tomorrow. I feel they need to be really shaken up.
Take care all and have a good day.
Best wishes with the bathroom reno, I was a kitchen & bath designer prior to becoming my Mom's caregiver so I know all about it! 😉 Hopefully you have good, reliable pro's lined up so nothing goes sideways! In my day I have seen it all. Just because I designed a great space, I have dealt with idiotic contractors and their subs who have made it h*ll. Watch em. A nice day in nature prior to this sounds like a spot on idea! Hope all goes smoothly, keep me updated!
Ali, I hope you get to the bottom of your health problems.
Today is my Mom's family reunion. I wouldn't go even if I was in WV, but it's sad Mom isn't there. She had several first cousins she looked forward to visiting with for the day.
I'm at loose ends. Everything done that needs to be done. Mybathroom reno starts tomorrow. I may drive over to Acadia National Park and walk around or maybe the LL Bean outlet store. Just don't think this is a day I need to sit and dwell on things.
That is not what this site is for. Myself, I stay away from threads that often cause problems because of the way we treat each other. Some will even post nasty, mean messages to our message boards when we are going through very hard issues. We are not here to judge others, instead to offer information and support wherever we can.
Rainey, I know how you feel about not having anyone. My Mom was my bestie, my family is pretty uncommunicative and Hubs family ...............oh lord, don't get me started on them. They make my family look like the Cleavers. My husband is a bear these days, probably cause he spends more time with them since they moved here so he's not an option. My cats are more sensitive to me since I've been sick than my husband. I am writing this at 5:00 am cause I keep waking up with a start like I can't breathe. Life can just suck at times. can't it?
I don't know why but whenever I post on this thread I always feel like I'm intruding.......I know it's probably my own paranoia but I hope no one minds me coming on here occasionally.
You're in Texas, yes? So I can only imagine how bloomin' hot it is. And at this time of year there will be all sorts of different pollens whizzing through the air, some of them more irritating to your cilia than others. Humidity levels flip up and down, and dust levels in proportion.
There are clinical signs that you mustn't ignore unless you happen to have a death wish. But you already know what they are - you can tell the difference between a swallowing impairment and your gullet feeling funny when you concentrate on it for too long. And I know you know the difference between hay fever and the like, and a serious allergic reaction; and if you'd had the latter for this long you'd already be dead and long past worrying about it.
So I was just wondering - can you do something that will just take you out of yourself for a few hours? Go swimming, go to a movie (funny one, preferably), look up tourist attractions near you and actually go and visit one for once? The reason I think of this last is that it seems to be human nature that the closer you live to world heritage sites and places of interest, the less likely you are to go to them.
The key thing is to get out of the house and give yourself something different to focus on - I'm sure the break would make you feel better just by itself.
Take the journey steadily, won't you. Hugs x
Drive safely - call upon your Viking ancestors for a little xtra strength if need be
Let us know how mom is doing when you see her
Glad, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's terrible. Caregiving is difficult. To be accused of financial abuse while you're caregiving when there's no evidence of it, and also there is evidence to the contrary... it's incredibly insulting. I'll be happy for you, too, when things are sorted out and you can continue to get distance from the hurtfulness of your sibs. I'm sorry. It's just all so unfair.
Upset, et al, I continue to read your smart words and take inspiration and practical tips from how you view your dysfunctional family stuff. I was talking to my friend today about her dys family stuff and told her how glad I was for this thread the past 5 years. It's been a lifeline through a very bad caregiving situation, but I also learned so much about dysfunction -- my family's and my own.
'Night, all.
Go get em! I understand not having energy, I often have chronic fatigue but not sure what to blame it on. Stress, perimenopause, chronic back pain, or all of the above! One thing I do know is that you should not have to worry about them doing this to your Mom. No excuses would hold any water to me. I am sure you will do the right thing and my prayers and thoughts will be with you and your Mother. I hope this gets resolved quickly and in the best possible way. I will be waiting to hear how it all turns out.
The odd part to me is that in every facility, there are specific "med nurses" and only they are allowed to administer the meds on a shift. There was never a question on who gave what to whom and when. Even when I worked as a caregiver in facilities, this was the case. No aides were allowed to administer meds. At least that is how it is in California.
Glad - those twisteds!!!! It will be so good when the estate is settled and you are done with them.
to the gardeners - I used to, but not any more. It is a great hobby.
Better head to bed so I will be ready to drive tomorrow. Nite all!
The Resident Care Manager called me this afternoon, and, although she said all the right things, she also said a few wrong things and I am not impressed with her at all. Both errors were that mother got someone else's meds. In the first case, it was done by a HCA ( health care aide) who has a regulating body and all the steps are being followed there and internally. Apparently there is a check by another person for this med and they missed the error too. In the second error, a less qualified person gave mother some one else's meds and the only discipline is internal. There is no check by anyone else for routine meds - just three checks by one person. Obvious to me, it is a disaster waiting to happen. I did not have the feeling that the care manager was particularly concerned. She probably deals with this ongoing. She said it would cost too much to have a second person do checks on the routine meds. I suppose this is the practice in the industry. It would be interesting to know how many med errors there are in ALFs and NHs.
Rainey - I appreciate what you are saying, One problem I have is that I live 5 hrs drive away. Mother chose to stay where she is knowing we are here. Another is that I will be 80 this summer and have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, so my energy is limited. Thus, I cannot just jump on the car and get to the ALF quickly. However, I will do the drive tomorrow. I think this needs the presence of family asap. I have an appointment back here Tuesday so it will be a flying visit.
Mother's heart rate is down to today, all other vitals are good, she had a fever of 38 this morning which they are treating with tylenol, so whatever that is, she is still fighting it. I think it is related to the stress of the injected overdose. The drug she got the second time was a dose of Aricept (donepezil). I don't think it has done her any harm.
I am quite tired and hope to perk up tomorrow for the drive. Many thanks for prayers. I need them for the trip too!
LOL!!!!!! Love the comment of two clowns short! I know the feeling. Too bad it was my favorite brother that ODed. He and I were close. Now I have nobody really to count on and trust in the family except my husband. That's it. If it were not for him, I would have no reason to want to continue, sad but true. Don't read too deep, I am not suicidal, I just realize my family both immediate, extended, and even non blood related is worthless. I have no relationship with Mom's family in Chicago, I occasionally talk to one of her sisters but I am not tight with them, cousins, etc. Don't know them. Husbands family is nothing to get excited about either, they could care a less about me. Thankfully they are at the other end of the US than us. I have no other family, funny when I was growing up, I viewed my friends more my family than my flesh and blood. So, none of this is anything really new. I did love my Grandma, she passed in my twenties. She was marvelous but lived in Chicago with one of Mom's sisters so I only saw her a handful of times when she would visit for the summer.
And about 15 years ago I talked to ts2 about moving my account from where the trust is held. I had tried, and was not able to. So, just let it go. Thank goodness I just gave up. Had I closed it I would not be a member of the trust any more. So, no inheritance. And ts2 encouraged me to close it. Did she know the stipulation on the trust? Most likely not. But, it is very strange to think about. She should have known everything about the trust since she is now executor and trustee.
No they did not get statements on my investments or anything else, as much as they wanted them.
I could've just taken the position of "well, screw her," but I knew she was being overly suspicious and I was hoping for my sake that she would come to reason. I told her that she needed to apologize to me for lying to me and being deceitful and for judging me without talking to me. I was here the whole time for her to come to me after she got her hands on the bank statements (which she had been trying to get to them for years...) and ask me anything and she chose to believe that I was doing things that were unethical, instead of talking to me.
This is not a surprising thing, that she is a little obsessed with money, that she would question ANY expense I made using my dad's account. I was a little surprised that she didn't just come out and say "what are these charges?" but she knew she was overstepping lol. It's my dad's money, we were a single household for the past 6 years, and it's none of her business! She's funny. :-)
It's over now, but... I KNEW something was up with her. I was getting silent treatment from her (when she usually wants to know everything about me...), alternating that with her guarded questions about who was paying for my dad's caregiver, and was the joint account still open.
Well. It's good to have the matter resolved. I was NOT going to let her call me a thief! I will never get any "thank you" from her and I didn't do the caregiving for her sake, anyway, but... it's better to not have her actively thinking that I stole from my father and her acting cloak-and-dagger about his finances.
She still won't come out and say that I didn't do anything wrong, lol, because that means she would have to be unequivocally wrong in her assuming, judging ways. Instead she says things like "it's in the past," and "you were very helpful to your father."
As much as it's dysfunction junction with my dad and mom (divorced for 40 years) keeping company again, at least my dad is being looked after by someone who isn't me. She is now saying things to me such as "you're right about x," and "we should do x that you mentioned."
:-) Everyone's an expert until they do it themselves, right? It's been an interesting transition.
I mostly wanted to share that because... whatever this is, it has been seriously affecting me. It could be allergies on a level I haven't experienced before. My girlfriend was saying that her dog gets allergies so bad, that the dog gets sick and throws up. I didn't know allergies could do that.
Allergies makes sense to me, that that's what this is. It's just the worst allergies I've had. Hm.
Edit: It could be I have a little bit of GERD or something similar that's crept in. Diet changes do seem to be helping. I just noticed another person commented that eating plain crackers doesn't help GERD? Which is what I've been trying, personally, is eating plain crackers and drinking seltzer water and it doesn't help. Hm. Well. As much as I don't care for these symptoms, I don't think they're serious. I think they're highly annoying, that's it. I think... I've gotten some increased allergies in the past couple of years. File this all under "sucks to be getting older?" I think so.
Things are going well. I feel much better. I talked to my girlfriend and told her how sick and run down I was feeling. I said I didn't know if it was the AC, or the medication, or food allergies, so I just decided to ditch all of it. I know it's a lot of change at a time when I'm having more change in my life... due to looking to move and making decisions about that. It's a lot. I need to take time out for myself. I'm doing that now, going to clean up from the day and just relax.
I'm grateful for this thread. :) I'm feeling better! A little "too good" at times. I'm monitoring it and I think overall it's a needed improvement. I'd be lying if I said I weren't a bit scared... just a little scared of all the decisions I need to make. I've enlisted my girlfriend's help in getting my receipts from past 6 years itemized in an expense report, which I will then submit to Trust for reimbursement. This has been a long time coming. I always told the Trust and my family that I might/would do it one day. I think it's the right thing. Girlfriend said we could get started on it next Wednesday. I need some "hand holding" through this... I think it's just been such a big ordeal and it's nice to have an outside party weigh in on what expenses should be submitted and how.
Hope you guys are well. It's a beautiful weekend here. I'm reading and thinking of you all, I just have my own small mountain of things to deal with, not the least of which is the bit of mental/emotional upheaval that comes with stopping a medication. I think I made the right decision and I did do a short taper and I think all will be well. :-)
Any improvement on feeling run down every day is appreciated. I don't know what that was, but when it's to the point that I'm certain I have mono and I drag myself to the doctor and... they can't find anything... Well, I had to make changes. So, sticking with the windows-open, vegetarian-diet, & no-meds plan for now. :-) I have so much to do in the coming weeks, to find a place, figure things out.
My girlfriend suggested not taking on the responsibility of a monthly housing payment just yet. I think she might be on to something. I'll give it some more thought. Maybe a month or two detached from this place, in a neutral space, would be best.
Many (((((hugs))))).
I get it. I know once the tie of my Mom dissapears when she dies, certainly any further communications with any of my bloodline will cease, after of course they do their last venting to me for what they view as a diminishment of an inheritance they thought they deserved for doing nothing. I will most likely arrange Mom's lawyer to deal with them and if they choose to persue me, they can deal with my husband and God help them there! We will probably move out of the state never to be seen or heard from again so all family ties will be totally severed. Oddly enough, I find total solice in that thought, peace at last, no more drama ever again.
Thank you for supporting others in your special way so soon after your loss.You are a supportive, good friend to be there.