The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

PHEW! Letter from ts2's attorney today. Hadn't had one of those since all the court crap. It is just a Trust Registration Summary. Here's hoping all goes smoothly.

SharynMMarie, I hear ya on the loss of family of origin. I have no living parents, no siblings (never did) and no 1st cousins. My s.o. and I do not have children -- by choice.

What's left of my bloodline is one aunt (Mom's sister) who never married and never had children; a great-aunt (Mom's mom's last living sib); and great-aunt's 50-something son and daughter (both of whom do not have children!).

I've been ready for this --intellectually -- since I was college-age. The reality is a little funky, tho.

My family was not gushy-close when it was bigger (no pop-ins, no family vacations, no holiday lasted more than half a day). So it's not like I miss "all that." There was no "all that."

Where all this loss unexpectedly sent me is......I have NO TIME for other people's dysfunctional families. When friends tell me their tales, I usually drop a turd in the punch bowl along the lines of "f**k 'em."

And my "in-laws" -- OMG. My s.o.'s sibs' games and parent drama started wearing thin about 10 years ago. Now....uggggh.

They have no idea, because I have manners and I am exceedingly patient. They also have no idea that they are going to see (even) less of me after MIL is gone. Once the last "elder" is out of the picture , I will recuse myself from their pitiful dynamic early and often.

Upset,
I am not sure, maybe twins accidentally seperated at birth? Pretty coincidental sadly enough. I end up getting attacked and smeared defending and protecting Mom. Typical BS, he is and always will be a parasite. A very sick, manipulative parasite.

Rainey, My brother somehow managed to get my Mom to pay for his and his children/grandchildren's vacation every summer. They never took Mom out that she didn't have to pay. Are you sure we don't have the same brother?

Oh sanity and joy are in gardening and growing wonderful things! I am a self confessed plant junkie! It is so satisfying watching the progress of work in the garden. It is too hot today so had to run out and give them all a nice drink before it got too hot. Now it's hiding time from the heat.
Upset,
My brother actually invited Mom out for Mother's Day brunch, with his wife, the kid and HER parents and had Mom pay the bill! I was stunned! Next year, they called to tell her they would be stopping over later because THEY were all going out to Mother's Day brunch, minus her. They came by to drop of their cheap candy and cards, (20 minutes max) and they were outta there. Disgusting. But somehow, they manage to get in trips to Disneyland, Canada, The Philippines (where my brother's wife's family is from) and so on but tries telling Mom he needs 50 bucks for toilet paper. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Upset and Glad, when my passed, I felt very angry for all the loss of my family of origin. Lack of a loving mother, siblings that hardly know each other because of favoritism and other labels.

It's all normal what both of you are feeling and it's different for everyone. Keep taking care of yourselves.

Oh Rainey, I've been thru the whole money thing with one of my brothers. He and his lazy family did everything he could to get every penny they could from Mom before she died. It's terrible what they will do.

I'm finished with garden for the day. I have radishes and carrots almost ready. Cabbage is doing ok. I planted plenty. I'm going to try my hand at sauerkraut this year. Haven't done before, but have my grandma's instructions.

Hi Golden,
Thank you for your kind words re abusive family. It does make things more challenging being the caregiver because it is always with you. That betrayal. Then having him back in my life because Mom wanted me to care for her so he was back coming over frequently for "visits" until I realized he was constantly extorting money in some way shape or form on every visit. Even then, I tried calmly telling him she could not afford to do this but as usual, he pushed the envelope further & further until I told him he was no longer welcome. Then, he went on a full scale attack. Like I need this????? It never gets to heal because he forever is haunting me.

Now, regarding your Mom and your recent posts, remember when I said I woulda gone ballistic on em? I do not take that statement back. God knows how much money they charge a month for her care, (I am sure it isn't cheap) and that sort of thing to me is just inexusable! They are being paid a small fortune to take care of human beings, this is not an error on paperwork, it's your Mom! You put a parent in a facility, pay a small fortune for their so called "experience & expertise" thinking your Mom is safe in their capably trained hands and the bottom line is, you can't! My Mom was an RN in those very facilities her whole working career, was handling the med cart and all, never in my life have I heard of this. I wish you the best in getting it sorted out but you will never feel she is "safe" anymore. How terribly sad. *Hugs* You are a gem, I can tell by your words you are an amazing person and very caring. This site is a Godsend to me, I feel so very lucky to have met some incredible people here! Words cannot say how grateful I am, it has really saved my sanity!

Upsetsister,
Thanks for asking! Well, caregiving for Mom and her lymphatic leg can be challenging. I have noticed in the last few months her skin is seemingly becoming more fragile and I have taken even more precautions with extra padding underneath the compression wraps for protection. It's quite a process. I unwrapped her yesterday and one of her toes had become infected. This can be serious if not caught because it can turn into a bout of cellulitis which equals, hospitalization. The problem and stress with her is she never tells me when something is wrong until it is "a problem" not when it is just starting to where it can be easily remedied. This is a pattern I have noticed since day 1 of being "the caregiver." It is maddening! She will call me at 10:30 pm to tell me she doesn't know why her oven light is not going out, (simple pressing the button with a picture of a lightbulb) but fails to tell me she is experiencing pain in her toe. This is merely one tiny example. I get it all fixed up yesterday and make one request to her. Try to stay off it as much as you can so the fluid in her leg does not pool down to the foot putting anymore unessessary pressure on it so it can heal quickly. Also, stay out of the garden for a few days so no dirt can get to it. Well I go over this morning and where is she? In the garden with her nightime compression sleeve and exposed toes! She listens to NOTHING I say when I am trying to save her (and me) from another trip to the ER followed by a 2 to 3 day hospitalization. She is like a willfully disobedient teenager! All I try to do is help, ask just a few common sense requests and it is more important to her to get a handful of leaves (no exaggeration) than to keep herself safe. She does have dementia but she is not mentally "gone" yet. She does understand I asked her not to be in the garden because her reply was, "Oh, you aren't usually over here this early" meaning, she knows she shouldn't be doing it but didn't think I would catch her. That is how my day started today! Blood pressure up before I even finish a cup of coffee. Gotta go tend to that leg right now that she is probably out of the shower now. *Holds Breath*

Trouble is I had two broken hips in early season although I had already brought the peat pots and seed. I brought plants a couple of weeks ago and they are doing well although late. I have one tiny plant that self seeded in a pot of geraniums that I brought inside for the winter and that too is growing

My four tomato plants bit the dust, the neglect over the weekend of mom's memorial seems to have done it. The doves ate the pumpkin sprouts. But spinach, corn and radishes seem to be doing well.

Veronica91 I started my tomatoes early inside under lights. Other things I gambled on when the last frost would be in May. I love gardening, canning and cooking. It's my best therapy.

Upset sister I am very jealous of all you vegetables I just have a few tiny green tomatoes, don't expect anything edible till the end of August then first frost early Sept.

Glad, I have similar feelings. I feel very sad and then something flashes back with badbro and Mom and I get somewhat angry. I know I need to grieve, but it doesn't happen.

12.5 mg is the starting dose for most seniors in Psych hospitals in the US. I did my first clinical practice at the Pavillion on Aging in Bangor. Resperdal injections were fairly common treatment. While the injections are painful, they're considered very effective in the correct dose.

Rainey, How are you doing?

I have a big garden day. Last of the peas have been picked and ready to freeze. Going to tear out the vines and clean up that part. Going to pick a couple of green tomatoes for fried green tomatoes. Mid week I'll probably start canning tomatoes. I try to can 100 quarts - they're great to use in soup and chili. Green beans will start end of this week - try to do 100 quarts of those as well - my favorite. I'm going to can salsa this year and also a bell pepper, cucumber salad relish that can be kept in the refrigerator up to four months. Will do maybe 6 pints. I finished 24 pints of apple butter yesterday. I sent a pint for each of PJ's grandsons who go to school in Boston and the one visiting from Atlanta.

I have to clean out my master bathroom. The renovation starts Monday. Everything has been delivered and I picked up the shower and wall tiles at Home Depot yesterday.

Oh dear Golden. I will be praying for your mother. Two mistakes with meds...very disconcerting!

I really am doing ok. There are times that sadness overcomes me, but tears only once, and doesn't last for long.

Does this make sense? I grieved the loss of my mom a bit at a time for six years. Then add in the twisteds and the grief they caused. I think I have developed quite a thick, impermeable shell, very stoic, maybe? J used to get angry about me being so freaking stoic. So, let's not forget about that 15 years trying to stop and understand alcoholism. It was a very rough time. Just so much sadness over the past years. Maybe I am all sadded out? It doesn't feel like numbness. Just quite odd.

Emailed ts2 earlier this week to ask how she is doing. No response. Maybe she is too emotional, feeling too much guilt (which is appropriate in this case) or just back to the old dysfunctional patterns. My mom would have been so disappointed in the twisteds behaviors she would have disowned them.

Golden
Sending you and mom loving thoughts of protection

What the heck do they think they're playing at, Golden? Can you ask to speak to the person in charge of dispensing? This is bloody ridiculous - and what about the person who *was* supposed to get that dementia treatment? Have the staff been celebrating somebody's birthday and got pie-eyed or something? Bonkers!

Gershun I completely sympathise with that niggling question feeling - I felt the same about the Baclofen mother was given. I'd asked the GP if she could do something about mother's dystonia, and the GP and Dr Daughter consulted about it, so I can hardly argue with the decision to prescribe it. But I reported the side effects promptly and was persuaded to carry on giving it, and that was against my instincts, and that goes on being bothersome.

I suppose we have to accept that eventually there stop being any certain right choices.

Golden, so sorry for you that you have yet another thing to worry about. It just disgusts me the errors that are made in the medical profession. It's unacceptable. I still to this day believe that the Tamiflu that was given to my Mom as a precaution due to a flu outbreak at the nursing home contributed to her death. I couldn't prove it so I did not pursue it at the time but my gut told me something wasn't right. The whole week prior to her being found unconscious in her room that day I knew something wasn't right with my Mom and it all coincided with her being given Tamiflu. I did some research online at the time and it has caused strokes in people.

I think I would have an easier time accepting my Mother's death if there wasn't always that question in my mind. But I will never know..........

I hope you can get to the bottom of this Golden.

My prayers are with you and your mother Golden...

Oh no Golden, your poor mom. This is a bit much now.

glad - it does seem there have been a number of people passing this year. I don't think it is just you. Hope you are doing OK. Grief sucks.

thx upset - yes the questions are growing. They normally buy one month's worth from the local pharmacy. I get the bills. But I do not know what form it is in. I believe she was prescribed 12.5 per injection I can call the pharmacy and find out. But this time it was a totally different drug that she has never had before. I need to keep notes about all this. I very much doubt they have a double check after this last error. The system is faulty. I am concerned for mother.

Yes, glad, another one. Something is obviously very wrong there. Now I do need to contact mother's lawyer and the Prov govt Dept of Aging. They have an office that deals with concerns. and I think I need to go down there soon and raise Cain so It doesn't happen again.

Golden - should say prefilled not prefixed.

Golden, I don't know if dispensing for Resperdal is different in CA, but I was checking one of my psych pharmacology texts. In US it is dispensed in 12.5, 25.0, 37.5 and 50 mg dose prefixed injectable doses. To have been given that big an overdose would be fairly difficult unless she was on 12.5 and was given a 37.5 mg injection. I would be asking was she injected with a prefill injection or were they filling a needle from a pharmacy size bottle. Do they require a double check on patient name and dosage. And now another mistake...my list of questions would be growing as I'm sure you are.

Glad, How are you doing? I've thought of you often. Take good care of yourself.

What's is going on over there Golden? Not again, yes praying.

What is it this year? So many of our folks have passed. Seems like every week another one. Or does it just feel that way because I lost my mom?

Oh my. I just got a call to report to me that they have made another medication error. Mother was given something for constipation which should not cause much problem, but she was also given another drug for dementia which has never been prescribed for her, one starting with d. I could hardly understand what the woman was saying as English is not her first language. I will bring this up at the meeting too.

The residence manager of care, the doctor and the pharmacist have been informed.The pharmacist recommends monitoring mother. I will email and talk to the case worker tomorrow and get the whole picture. I don't know if the same staff were involved, but the system is obviously very broken. Prayers for mother please, if anyone is inclined. She does not need this.

All I can seem to think about is book.

thx upset, Me too. I am a little concerned that they didn't call me. When I was called a couple of days ago t tel me about the error, it was indicated that she had no symptoms. Yes, the ALF is very reasonable and is quite pleasant, though not luxurious. It is run by the Salvation Army and the staff are very dedicated.

Thx sharyn

nature - I hope it was not an error by one person only, as that would indicate a very faulty system. The caseworker only mentioned retraining the individual. This is not a solution. This is the one area in which I feel I have not had good feedback. At which places did the system breakdown? It may be that one or more checkpoints need to be instituted. The pharmacist will be at the meeting. I called my friendly neighbourhood pharmacist, who I have known for years and years. He and one other knowledgeable person I talked too questioned the every 10 days regime as they were accustomed to every 2 weeks or once a month and that is what I saw on the internet. My recollection is every two weeks as started in the geri psych hospital mother was in. I have a contact there and may check with them. Mother seems to have been doing well on the regime they have, so that is not an issue, but I feel I should have been informed if there were changes. Time now to sort these things out. Thx for your input. I have not found that many I talked to recognize that it is a system failure. Fortunately, sig other is a safety guy, so he gets it.