The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, Hope that your mother's symptoms don't develop further. The ALF seems far more reasonable than here. My aunt was in one in WV that was $3200 plus her miscellaneous expenses and it wasn't particularly nice.

Stacy, Your family sounds wonderful. You were fortunate for sure.

Ali, I am so disappointed for you regarding the apt. I hope the next one will work out. I think your plan to live and work closer to downtown is a good one.

Hope everyone is having a nice evening.

Golden you are correct. Mistakes in care facilities don't happen because of 1person - it is usually a breakdown of processes that lead to a cascade of events resulting in an error. Also a pharmacist consultation may be helpful.

(((Hugs)) Golden!!

Finding this episode with mother has brought on some grieving, and I have been trying to figure out why it is being so hard on me.

Finally, today, it came to me. Gordie died by someone's actions, Mother could have died by someone's actions. If that happened to mother too, it would be very hard for me to bear. Indeed, her life may be shortened by this. No one will ever know for sure, I just called the ALF and her heart rate is up, which is a symptom of an overdose, and she has a bit of a cough and a slight fever, but no other signs of a cold, and no muscle stiffness which is another sign of an overdose. Generally, the cardiac symptoms after an overdose are not considered to be serious. I would be more comfortable if the doctor had consulted the geriatric psych hospital mother was in before, as the hospital he consulted is not geriatric. Hopefully, these symptoms will lessen in the next few days. It is not that mother is not ready to go, or that we are not ready for that to happen, but it should not happen by someone's actions. It should happen by a natural process.

Yes, Book is on my mind and in my thoughts all the time!!

upset and rainey - I am so sorry for the abuse that you suffered. at the hands of your mothers, and Rainey, of the additional abuse by your brother. My dil went through that. It is hugely sad that family members can treat one another like that. I know the scars remain. I don't think we ever "get over it." (((((hugs))))) to both of you, You are doing well.

upset - . The groups are working well it seems. Nice to find those things of your father's. I don't know what percentage, but mother pays only about $2000 a month for the ALF and an additional $1000 or more for meds, supplies etc. It is a nice facility and up to this overdose episode, I would say she has had very good care. Years ago, I saw the old version of Beguiled with Clint Eastwood and Geraldine Page.

Rainey - Quite a coincidence. it does make caregiving much harder, doesn't it?

nature -Yes I got it, thanks. Root cause analysis makes sense. They talk of retraining the individual who made this error. I don't see the error as resting on one individual, To me, it shouldn't. I see it as a failing of the system. There should be checks in place so an error by one individual gets caught by another, before it is executed.

ali -sorry about the apartment, but one will work eventually, This surely is a time of flux for you. Hope you get over the SSRI withdrawal soon. Interesting thought about your bro.

east - I agree with what others have said. Your mother is not safe at home and needs to be in a facility. There is no way you can care for her. You need to be looking after your own health issues. Tell them "No!" I think submitting a list is a good idea.

stacey - good to see you posting, Your family is a version of the Walton's. Very interesting about that sum of money. I have had that happen too. God is good.

lovestinks - what a dreadful bunch of people. Sil and the backhanded compliment - I get those from my sis and the stabs in the back. Is it time to consider placing mil? It sounds like you are near the end of your tether and your health is suffering,

heart - I know you know what it is like, unfortunately.

trying - I am sure you did a good job raising your kids.

glad - good suggestion to east.

sharyn - I am so sorry about your bro. That is hard news. Life issues do not slow down do they?

Thinking of book and what she is going through with her dad.

Oh, the heat is wearing me out. It just seems different to the heat in California.

Talked with my sil today, my brother is not good. She said the transplant is a death sentence with a longivity of 1-5 years. It all depends o how this disease continues to progress. My sil is a very upbeat positive person. So this is bad news for me. I am really heart broken for them.

EastEagle, I would request the rehab facility send their occupational therapist to the house now. They will evaluate the dangers and things that need to be fixed or replace prior to your mom going home. Meet with them there, so they do not miss a thing. That should take care of your bro, but good.

Ali you have a great weekend too. Here's hoping you get the next apartment and it's even better!

Stacey I loved reading what you wrote about your parents. It's comforting to know there are healthy families out there. I believe (hope?) I raised my kids with less dysfunction because I recognized I was repeating the cycle and got help. My son and his wife love each other dearly and are beautiful parents. Thank God.

That's such a nice story about your parents, Stacey. I know it could've been much different. I had childhood friends who had very happy homes. They would take me in on holidays, sometimes.

Hello all, how's your Friday going? It's nice and cool here in Midwest USA, high of about 74º today. We've had LOTS of rain in past 48 hours. I'm putting in some hydrangea bushes in the front late in the season but I think they'll do fine in the part sun area. ?

I received word that I didn't get the apartment I wanted. They were being very strict about the applicant, I knew that. So something about my application (not having a job?? lol) didn't jive and they let me know the place "had been rented." I admit, I was crestfallen. But. I don't think all places will have such strict checks in place, and I'm still thinking it's best plan to get the place and then get the job up in the city. I was disappointed with that news but then I got some other good news... so I'm just back up and at it today, working to figure things out!

Have a great weekend!

Lovestinks... It does STINK!... I've been shunned similarly ... It HURTS!... Like you, I've tried to work through my anger because in the long run, it was killing me more!... It still hurts, but I know I have to 'accept' and 'move' on.... Try to put aside what people say (I know how difficult this is!)... I try to keep really busy to take my mind off of things... Blessings to you!!!

oh Stacyb... What a Beautiful Love Story all the way around... You are so Blessed!

Sorry not following the thread, I just need to vent. So it's been 6 years since FIL passed. The family was very upset that he arranged for me to take care of MIL upon his passing. Even MIL was upset. As a result we were completely cut off from the family...when most families get together in troubled times ours resorted to mistrust, name calling and threats. During these 6 very long years, there have been weddings, graduations, births and yes a death, all of which we were shunned. Yesterday, the antagonist(SIL), everyone's friend waiting to bury the dagger in your back, had some kind words for me regarding the care I have been giving. I could tell she was feeling "relief" when I accepted the kind words. In hind sight, I am livid. These "kind words" came amidst another wedding we aren't invited to...my husbands god daughter. Now that I replay it in my mind, the words were "no matter what, I think you are doing a wonderful job, really"
I am so angry and frustrated, my health is failing exacerbated by this stress and the need for a depression regiment. My husband has given up and sleeps when he's not working. He doesn't even want to see his mother because of this....and I get a back handed "good job"... The saddest thing is, I can't talk to my best friend about it because it's his Mom.:(

UpsetSister, I had to laugh about your finding your Dad's wallet, stocks and things after all these years! And that the stocks are still good? Thats Awesome! We had a simular experience as yours.

Let me preface that I did Not come from a dysfunctional family, but married into one 30+ years ago, and my husband and I had his Narcissistic Dad living with us for 13 years, following his Mom's passing, so I do relate on so many issues, and from hearing the horror stories from my husband's childhood,  but in reality, my childhood and family life was truly wonderful, compared to how my husband was raised, much like you and so many others, plus I did have to deal with the Narcissistic FIL living with us for so long. He has now been in Assisted living for 2 months, after the long 3+ year work up, to get him there. The FOG was alive and well, if you know what I mean, and He is doing "great, just great" there, of course!

Back to Dad's stuff, my Dad was a Great Man and a terrific Father, at 20, he loved my Mom so much, that he left everyone and everything he held dear to follow my Mom halfway around the world (from Wales, UK), to marry her, after she immigrated to this country with her parents, and afterwards, all 4 siblings, her Auntie, 5 girl cousins, their spouses and all their children born over there followed over the next few years, all to Seattle, and many more kids were born here, so I have a great big extended family too, though all the original oldies have now passed.

My Dad was a Sweetie, he loved his kids fiercely, and adored my Mom, he always made time alone with my Mom, taking her away for little drives at night and on the weekend from the stress of raising 6 crazy kids in his 2 seater convertible, we always had a station wagon And his sports car, lol! Basically, the moon hung on my Dear old Dad!

So, because they had all these kids, money was tight, not that we ever felt it, but of course it was, and my Dad faithfully turned over his paycheck each week, but Mom always saw tht he got a small allowance, mainly for car repairs, his stereo and records and manly stuff, and that held true to the end of his life, even through retirement.

My folks bought prepaid cemetery plots and funeral plans, but still there are always additional costs, that aren't covered. After he passed away and because all 6 of us divvied up all the nessesaries, to get it all done in 3 days time (the usual Catholic way) and we recorded all the expenses, including flowers and food, frames, printing, everything, to be reimbursed later. Well, we found ino the pocket of the suit he was to buried in, and envelope with 804 dollars, to the penny of what we collectively spent on his funeral expenses, it was So Weird!  I'm not entirely certain if that is what he intended it for, but anything to make things easier on my Mom, that was my Dad.

I wish you all had folks like I did, it was magical, and the reason why I am so close to all my siblings today! I've said it many times before,  but I am sure it's one of the reasons my husband married me, he loved my parents and my family so much.  I'm sure he craved the fun and the normalcy, and of course not Everything was perfect, my parents overcame many hardships and loss over the years,  but from living my life and witnessing the lives of all I've come in contact with, it was pretty darn close.

East, if I recall, your brother POA. Tell the social worker to arrange the meeting with him, that you have no authority and no say in the matter.

Make a list, as Upset suggests and fax it to the social worker. Take care of YOUR health.

East, Selling her house and moving to an assisted living should be the only option. Every other day help is not a good situation. And with your upcoming doctor visits you shouldn't be under the stress of driving into the city. Boston traffic throws me for a loop every time I visit. I would make a list of all of the dangerous things in the house, tell her about the crime. Most importantly tell her about your doctor visits and health issues and that you cannot drive 60 miles to stay overnight with your mother. Most social workers have encountered these situations before and can give you helpful advice. Is there a reason your brother doesn't want her to go to AL.

From East Eagle, I would also like to add: As I mentioned in the past, I always talk to my Mother on the phone, usually 3 to 5 hours every day or we may skip a day sometimes. That is what takes up all of my time when I am home. My Dad died in 2009, so starting back then, I have been listening to my Mother complain about all the problems she has with my Brother and with her house. I give advice, but she won't listen to me. As a result, I was eating junk food all day long, and I gained 35 lbs. I am 4ft, 11 inches tall and weighed 110. My Cardiologist said I gained too much, so I started to eat better. Then in December I started to have stomach issues which I had in the past. I have now lost more than 45 pounds and I am less than 100 lbs. So, my Doctor is sending me back to the gastro Doc for more tests. I will be tied up in the next few months having these tests. I told my Brother and his wife about all the Doc visits I have coming up, so that is why I will not be available to take care of my Mother every day, but they really don't care about my reasons, they just want me to do everything, because they both have jobs and I am not working. The stress is getting worse every day. Thanks.

From EastEagle: Sorry for all my typing errors, but you get the idea. Thanks again.

From EastEagle, Hi All. I need a little more advice. As I mentioned, my Mother is now in rehab. She fell on July 1st and broke her hip. We found out that she has a heart problem, which causes her to fall over, and apparently in my Mother's case - she did not have any warning signs of symptoms. I won't get into all the stuff about the fact that her PCP did not send her right away for an ultrasound of her heart. After she fell, and went to the hospital, they did one there, and found the heart problem. We were told that she will need a pacemaker, or she will be at risk for falling again.
So, my Brother and I will be meeting with the Social Worker at the rehab, and I was wondering what exactly will be discussed. I never had this kind of meeting before, so I was wondering what to expect. We were scheduled to have the meeting this coming Monday at 1:00pm, but now my Brother is starting his usual routing - he says he has too many meetings at work that day - so we will have to reschedule. I do not want to have a meeting without him, even though he does not want to be bothered with it. He needs to hear what the Social Worker has to say. So far, my Mother, Brother and his wife, have decided that she can go back to her house, and my Brother thinks she will do fine, and in his own words: Ma will be fine at home with some help going to her house - every other day. Of course I do not agree with this idea - at all. My Mother is not even half-way thru the Physical Therapy, and I have already been out-voted. Also, I guess it is to be expected, she is getting really mad with the people who come in to some evaluations. Example: someone visited her and wanted to know is she could read the names of her Meds, and the milligrams, etc. So my Mother said to the Nurse: "Why do you let just anyone walk in here off the street, who are these people, I want them to get the hell out of my room, and don't come back." Also, she wants to be home by July 25th. She said she will go home anyway, and have physical therapy at home. I have a very long list of the things that are not safe in her house, I won't go into all of that here. My question is this: Will the Social Worker agree with my Brother and Mother that she can go home, or will they suggest Assisted Living? My Mother is blind in one eye, has hearing loss and won't get any hearing aids, she can't take a bath or shower by herself, she can't get wash any clothes in the washing machine because it is downstairs in the basement - with very dangerous steps, her one and only tenant is moving out so will be totally alone in her house, especially night. She lives in a crime-ridden area. I just want her to sell her house and move to AL. Any advice on what I could do to change her mind, and my Brothers. He lives around the corner from her house, and he works from home - 3 days a week. But, he does not want to help her out. One of my Cousins told me that I should sleep at my Mother's house at night. and someone else can be with her during the day. I would have to move in with my Mother, there is no way that I can drive back and forth, 60 miles round trip, and also get through all the traffic in Boston. Thanks All.

Childhood abuse will leave us with PTSD, to be sure. Seems to me that many of us internalize it differently later in life, though. My brother chose to walk the straight and narrow at all costs. That's his way of controlling things and protecting himself, I think.

Sharyn, I planted some coneflowers today in planters in the front. I know they're echinacea, too, but I don't know which part is used for echinacea. Is it the flowers, or? I'll have to look it up. 

It's been a week or more since my last SSRI dose.  I don't remember when it was, exactly.  My brain is doing some flip flops.  If I have to slow things down and get in bed half a day tomorrow, I will... I don't want to... but I will.  

Hugs, all.

Upsetsister,
Wow! My oldest brother ODed in his 40's but he was physically abused by my father when he was young. He started self medicating at a young age, way before any of us ever knew it. Dad (who was a former Marine ) then left Mom when I was 2. He never touched me but was a major alcoholic. I have a harder time letting go of what my youngest brother did to me (I was the baby) but admittedly still grapple with the fact that Mom turned her back on me when I finally had been convinced by a friend to overcome my fear & tell her what he was doing to me. By her doing that, she allowed the abuse to continue. She never really did do anything to hold him accountable for what he did. But here I am, her caregiver. I have struggled with depression as long as I can remember. Pretty textbook.

Why this posted before I edited it was odd, never seen that one!

Rainey, I'm a clinical therapist, but I still can't handle that part of my childhood even though I know all the coping strategies, etc. Happened to me weekly. She never touched my two brothers. They never needed it according to her in her later years. A couple of weeks ago one of the local policeman who had caught a women beating her child with a belt told me his first inclination was to secure the child to safety and then take off his belt and whip the adult involved. His mom had done that to him. He said he joined the military at 18, went thru two wars. Said the only thing he flashes back on is his beatings with a belt growing up. I have a close childhood friend whose parents whipped all 5 of their kids with a belt. Two of them have committed suicide as adults. Two left home and never had much to do with the family. My friend put her mother in AL and then nursing home, but visited rarely. So sad. Take good care of yourself.

Golden, I am happy the facility is handling the situation so well and being very forthcoming with you re the information. It must be a relief to know how they are proceeding.

Upset, I did buy 2 geraniums at half price. I didn't see any bulbs. It is really slim pickings.

Glad, the coneflowers I ordered will come in September for next spring/summer blooming and the irises will come in late august. Most of what is available at Home Depot/lowes/Walmart is shrubs. I looking for perennials that flower all spring/summer. Next year I will have a better opportunity to buy locally for plants. The lavender should be here any day now.

I hope Book is ok too.

You figured it out, but it should read "care" facilities & "to do" a root cause analysis. Keep forgetting about spell correct!!

Upsetsister,
You just sent chills up my spine! I swear just today I told my husband that Mom had slapped me over and over until my nose gushed blood and then I told him we, my brothers and I would get the leather belt. Butt, back of the legs, welts and all! Now I have never mentioned this but something jogged my memory today and I just now read what you wrote. My chin hit the floor! That is a wild coincidence! Yes, I grew up afraid of Mom, and youngest brother for his various abuses to me. Wow, I am just amazed you wrote that after I was just saying the same thing!

Sharyn, this climate is ideal for fall planting. It gets cool enough end of August or so that new plants have a chance to develop a root system then come spring and what a surprise to have those plants greening up. And most places will warranty for a year so if they do not make it you are not losing anything by trying.

I think my yard needs to be killed completely. It has been taken over by puncturevines and some other burr creating weed. Then take into consideration the trumpet vine in proliferation. The joys of renting! So I am not too terribly motivated to do much about it or spend the money doing it.

I hope book is doing ok.

OK, bought my journal, first entry as of today!

Just got off the phone - catching up with therapists from caregiver support groups. Seems like all four groups ended up talking about a topic familiar to all of us. Trying so hard, giving up so much to take care of a loved one who may or may not have taken care of us as children or may have actually been physically or emotionally abusive. 

It took me years to admit my mother was physically abusive. I got slapped so hard I had nose bleeds. I was whipped with a belt until I had bruises and welts on my legs, butt and once around my neck. Of course, that was my fault because I moved. 

The discussions all had so many commonalities. It's so sad that we grew up in these families. And yet, we end up being caregivers. Trying to help our parents get thru the end of their lives in peace, comfort, and hope that maybe they'll be happy with their lives or that they will finally appreciate us. 

In the end it turns out to be the basic tenets of most therapy - you can't make someone else happy. You can only change yourself. You can't change someone else. You can't change a narcissistic person.

CM Boundaries are hard. As wretched as my niece is, I still sent my great niece a birthday card with a gift card. I did it...I keep telling myself they're little girls and I shouldn't hold their parents/grandparents against them. It's hard, but I need to be firm. Growing up with their parents, they'll likely be the same.

I cleaned out a couple of boxes of my dad's old stuff. Interesting see his stuff from high school and the Navy. Obviously, my mother and badbro didn't go thru things. I found a small plastic bag full of silver money, 500 shares of Exxon stock. I called Exxon.  They faxed me some paperwork to complete. They had lost track of my dad after he retired. So there are dividends to be paid from July 1,1993 to present. They will change the shares to digital shares in my brokerage account and direct deposit the accumulated dividends. Said it would take 7 days. Also found my Dad's wallet in a hospital personal effects bag. Had $561.00. I called my younger brother and told him when he came to visit I would split with him. He said no that I was stuck with Mom for too long. Anyway it was an interesting time. Brought back good memories of my Dad.

Golden, Sounds like the AL is on top of things. I worked for a couple of years at a hospital in far northern Maine. Canadian health was always so easy to worth with. Oh if only we had the Canadian system. I would gladly pay the cost. So much more value for one's money. What percentage do you pay from income now?

Sharyn, Do you have a Home Depot close by? The one here in Maine has all of their bulbs half price. I bought several boxes to plant this fall. Irises, peonies, day lillies, etc.

I froze peas this am. Looked at the garden and I have more ready to pick. I called a friend who runs a soup kitchen. She is going to come pick in the am. I couldn't face shelling more peas.

PJ and I went to early movie - saw the remake of "Beguiled". Not sure I would recommend. Went to early dinner as well which was good.