The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

too many - I hope you are able to get some respite. I know some recommend against those who have been abused as children care giving their parent. I could not have had done hands on caregiving. Have you any alternative?

send - thank you. I had lost track of that thread and how book was doing.

cm - oh dear. Just when we think we have things in hand...
I understand the "too hard", better and better as time goes on. Keep your boundaries where you need them. Have a nice cup of tea, or a G and T and compose yourself to continue as you must. Here is a big cyber hug ((((((((cm)))))))) You deserve the best life you can arrange for yourself.

sharyn - more time to plan the garden. Love roses in particular.

thx nature - I am in Canada, so things are a little different and we are less likely to seek legal recourse. I have been in contact with mother's case worker and have answers to most of my questions. They do have procedures in place for dealing with drug errors. However, I do not have much information about the system, or lack thereof, of checks and balances that should have prevented this error. We are particularly concerned about that.They are required by law to report the error to the provincial government. The facility is partly funded by government so subject to their rules and regs.

I was told that the doctor consulted with the facility's pharmacist and a hospital specializing in mental health regarding when to resume mother's meds. Their main concern is that her liver not be taxed by additional meds too soon, which is fair enough. They will monitor her for signs of inadequate levels of the drug (irritability etc) and will supplement with oral doses of the drug if needed until her next injection scheduled for August 5. That seems reasonable to me.

The case worker has been quite open and offered information. We will have a meeting with her, the equivalent of the DON, and the pharmacist, as the dr is not available, in two weeks. So far I am satisfied with their response.

Golden: Carr facilities should have procedures in place for dealing with drug errors. The purpose is to a root cause analysis to determine what went wrong & how to avoid in the future. You're fortunate they told you...sometimes there is a lot of secrecy due to fear of lawsuits.

Sexism... a topic that brings lots to my mind and angry emotions as well. I must say in my family, we girls were to be our mom's caregiver. My mom really did not raise my brothers as she left most of it up to my dad once they got to a certain age. At least that is how it seemed to me.

There won't be much gardening here this year as the nurseries are phasing out all their plants for this season. I have ordered a few plants to be sent after the first of the year, coneflowers and a semi double flowering rose. No veggie garden this year.

Yes, it is so very hard CM.
Supporting you in your scheme.
Sad that.

Slight technical hitch in the No Contact with siblings scheme. Am processing.

Lovely Nephew 1 called my cell phone, which I answered because I almost never use it and couldn't think who it would be. He and his very nice wife are pregnant, the baby due on Boxing Day. We had a friendly catch-up for ten minutes, then I backed out as quickly as I could to quit while I was ahead and before he could get round to the subjects of his parents, or of where I'm living and what I'm up to.

Thing is. Time galloping away, as it does when you're not paying attention, I hadn't realised that it's over two years since I last spoke to him. Quite a lot over, in fact - because the last time he and his wife were around mother was still in rehab and I made myself scarce during their visit to avoid any overwhelming urge to assault my SIL.

I'm very fond of this young man, and his wife is great. I took to her immediately; and they've been together for, it must be, nine years or more.

But it's too difficult. Their wedding, their most recent visits to see his granny, Mother's funeral - these were some of the worst occasions in the caregiving saga and all the conflict with his parents.

It's too hard.

Was reading about Bookluvr's Dad being in the hospital.
I had lost track of her, as she is posting on the thread:
"The Caregiver, How are you doing?"
Sharing that here because I know so many of you care.

I find it very difficult on some days to be caring and patient. There is so much history of abuse from my mother, yet I know in my heart she needs me now. I cry a lot on days when memories flash over me like a river, yet I need to keep the hurt in check to do what I need to do......

The Gregorian calendar didn't come into use until 1582. It is the one we use now. I don't know how the calendar has changed through time. I do take the Bible with a grain of doubt on many things. We know it took longer than 6 days for the sun and everything on earth to be made, including humans. Unless DNA is radically different now than it was, having someone live hundreds of Gregorian years is very doubtful. And Sarah giving birth at 90+... well, we'll have to believe that by faith. My mother is 90 and I doubt she'll be giving birth anytime soon. No eggs, no energy.

There are birds and turtles that can live a long time. They got the genes for it!

Heart, I thought that was interesting about the Japanese woman who was mad at her brother. I had always thought of Japanese women as being so passive. I didn't know the custom for was the eldest son to care for the parents. Does he also get the largest part of the inherited wealth. Back in Biblical days the eldest son got a double share of the inheritance. There's little talk of women, so I don't know if they inherited anything.

It's interesting, Jessie. You're right about the "butting of heads" between religious texts, like the Bible, and what is known about life during those times. Methusela was said to live 969 years. It's difficult for a non-science person to know what that number really means. We know the Bible shouldn't be interpreted literally in some things... I didn't know there wasn't same calendar, though.

I've been thinking about my own spirituality lately, thinking about the lack of it. I think it's important that I find some connection to goodness in myself and others. I'm sure there will be opportunity to join some church or group in the city and have that connection. I think it's important for me.

The Bible and science butt heads when it comes to the age thing. From the evidence of bones, someone who lived beyond 30 was very lucky. There were no antibiotics, a lot of war, and women died often in childbirth early in life. I usually take Biblical ages with a grain of salt. They didn't even have the same calendar in those days, so who knows? ;-)

rainey - you are not alone in wondering how jessie does it. Trying to do the right thing for a parent ends up being a huge burden for many of us. No good deed goes unpunished, damned if you do and damned if you don't, and so on. It is exhausting, at times, and not many would fault you for making other arrangements for your mum if you need to. I managed to quieten mine down a few times by telling her if she didn't like what I was doing she was welcome to find someone else. She was still a nightmare to care for.

upset - I had to settle for white sauce as I have dairy allergies. I can use ghee as it has had the milk protein removed. You sound very handy in the kitchen and the garden.. I was not brought up with canning, though mother kept a nice garden, so I taught myself at one point, but never did much. Your jam making reminds me of a session of chutney making I had. It was such fun trying different fruit combinations and the results were good. I think the pear, raisin, and walnut took the prize, though the nectarine lime was great too. I admire your ability to keep records as you did, and that you were able to make it pay off. I am not be capable of doing that. I do have receipts, not particularly well organized, and sis will have to settle for those if it comes to that. She has not accused me of anything recently, thankfully. I am so glad you had a good dad, So did I, but he was not able to keep mother in check, and probably inflamed her unintentionally, but then everything did. I have thought about taking the rail trip through the Rockies to the west coast. I think it would be a great experience.

jessie - abuse by neglect, at least. Many girls were raised to be, essentially, servants. I agree sexism plays a big role in expectations of caregiving. Old roles die hard, and as cm said, it is not getting better. From my reading of the bible, there were many who reached an amazing old age in those times. I think extended families looked after their own via very traditional roles with the wives doing the caregiving. Many oldsters were still vigorous into their old age - Moses and Caleb lived well beyond 100 for example.

cm - indeed and had a child when she was around 100

heart - "The evil caregivers"! That would strike a note with many. We, the evil ones, (to other family members) work hard, make sacrifices, spend our own money... and get painted black. Not for the weak!

Texted mother's caseworker regarding a meeting to discuss the overdose. She answered promptly, including the protocol for dealing with med errors and questioned that it was necessary for the doctor to be included. I said we had additional questions, including regarding the timing of the resumption of the meds, that I would send her. I said we could be available most times. I need to have all this documented and keep it on file. I told her this was a problem solving exercise for us, not finger pointing. She has been pretty straight in the past and appears to be so now. So far so good and no one has called re mother which is "no news is good news". I will call the nurse later today to see how mother is. I will not inform sis about all of this, as she would find a way to blame me for something - dysfunctional families at their best.

Hoping to have a more "normal" day today, though still a bit achy and shaky.

Take care all and be good to you. You never know what is around the corner.

Upsetsister,
I planned on that. Told my husband today I am unsure what the breaking point is but I feel like it is getting closer. I must plan for this if this does occur. I am not willing to give up my health and sanity as well as everything else I gave up already, like my career and my freedom.

Jessie,
Your Mom is a piece of work! I honestly don't know how you do it. She takes cruelty to a whole new level. I grew up pretty much parentless myself. Dad split when I was 2, this forced Mom to have to go back to work full-time to support the 4 of us. I knew she had no choice in the matter so I never held that against her. We grew up poor in a well to do neighborhood because my father was the one with money and he put the down payment on the house, Mom actually paid it off after many decades. She did not however make us feel we were LUCKY she was doing this for all of us and helped out where she could, not so much on an emotional level but that was why a lot of bad stuff happened. She wasn't there and she heaped that responsibility on my oldest brother who was still a kid himself. He is no longer with us, he ODed in his 40's. Dad died first of alcohol abuse and smoking a carton of cigarettes a day. I was 21. My brother went when I was 29. Now I am left with two worthless brothers and Mom with dementia. Yeaaah, life is goooood.

Rainey69, It is an extra burden to keep records. But I always felt good when I could pull out my book and remind them of exactly what was done or said. Hang in there. Work on making sure you have your noncaregiver life in order so that you're ready if you have a chance to escape.

You and I H2H, you and I! *Hugs*

So sad this is what it has to boil down to. I would really rather walk away. Hate to say it but I am getting sick of sacrificing everything including my health and peace of mind for a mother who fights me, brothers who villianize me, and none seem to be remotely aware of how much I have given up to comply with Mom's wishes. It is just not worth it. When Mom was being an arguementative child yesterday, I told her if she was not happy with the arrangement, I would be fine selling the property and turning over all the DPOA to my brother (the non mentally ill one) and she can have him make the decisions for her! I am just getting to my wits end with all this garbage. I do everything for her, she is a spoiled brat! If I dare question what she is doing, I am met with an arguement, denial, the boo boo face like I am the cruel prison warden, I have offered her EVERYTHING under the sun, groups to join and socialize and do activities with, NOPE! Friends who try reaching out, NOPE! I am the only one she wants to shadow and hide behind but then I am treated like the evil daughter when I try to help her or keep her safe. Now I have to start keeping a daily record of events on top of it all. Well isn't that just the whipped cream on the pie! I never imagined this is what life would be like for me trying to do the right thing for Mom.

I just remembered working with a young lady of Japanese decent who had to be a caregiver for her mother... She doesn't talk with her oldest brother because in their culture the oldest son was to take care of the elderly mother... He wouldn't help at all... She is very bitter... (her mom has since passed)...
My father died when I was 18... My parents had very little education... Our education was minimal... actually worse than that... Didn't even know what a counselor was, since we moved almost yearly... Girls were suppose to just get married... (not!)... And, as many of you know, my two brother's have been useless/nonexistent in my mother's care... But, to her... They're the best!... (I am the evil one)... Maybe, this would be a good novel for Steve King to write... 'The Evil caregivers'

Oh, I don't know! Sarah was 127 when she popped off. Apparently.

Oh, have to add -- in Biblical times the oldest son was given charge of the widowed mother. I've always wondered if the oldest son's wife (or wives) were the ones to assume the burden if the mother became old and ill. Becoming old was a rare thing back then.

Rainy, it is sad the way girls were raised back in the old days. Many are still raised the same way. I don't remember most of my childhood -- most people don't, so that's not unusual. I do remember certain highlights and the absence of my parents in anything that I was doing. We stopped even inviting them to school functions, because they didn't want to do anything.

My mother was talking the other evening about how smart she was. I told her I remembered asking for help with my math homework and she told me she couldn't add two and two. She told me that the teacher had told her not to help the kids with homework. I have never in my life heard any teacher tell a parent not to be involved with their kids' learning. Pants on fire! She just didn't want to be bothered.

When my mother tells me I owe her I wonder if she means for not giving me away at birth. She did make sure there was a meal on the table each night and that we were off to school in the morning. That is more than many had.

Sexism plays a big role in expectations of caregiving. We will probably see a change now that young men are more involved in child raising and family. Our sandwich generation got caught in the middle between the puritan ways and the new age of gender relations. Our parents can expect more from their daughters than we will expect from ours. I guess you could say that being a daughter doesn't mean you owe more than a son.

Rainey 69, When I started having problems with my mother and brothers saying I didn't do anything in the house, didn't fix good meals, etc. I started documenting everything. I kept copies of every receipt when I spent my money on her food, prescriptions, clothing. My Mom had plenty of money for her needs, but I was expected to pay. My mother talked awful to me, I recorded every conversation. If my brothers came to visit, I had voice activated recorders hidden in the LR and her bedroom. I kept a log every day of what I did. Took photos of every meal an put in the logs. The first time they complained to someone outside the family - I had audio, video and written proof of what was going on. If I bought a prescription and I paid I made her sign for it. I also used my own debit card. I never paid cAsh for anything for her. It was work, but in the end I got Power of Attorney away from my brother and I got vindication for not being the horrible person he portrayed me to be. At one point it got so bad that my niece and nephew called my son and told him I was stealing from Mom. Keep records. Keep track of everything your Mom says and does. Protect yourself from the crazies around you.

Sorry the above posted twice.

Golden The potatoes and peas dish is super easy and tastes wonderful, but way too many calories with butter and cream. PJ just left after a pea shelling marathon - going to freeze I think. When tomatoes and green beans are ready the canning will start in earnest. I've got two crockpots of strawberry jam cooking. It will be ready to put in jars tomorrow at noon. Then I'm going to put on apple butter. I'm making that for PJ's grandsons - it's one of their favorites that make. They're going to take some to the boys who live in Boston.

My family had more than it's fair share of problems. But I did have s good Dad. A little quiet sometimes, but in the end he made sure I was taken care of financially. And, while he was alive he kept bad bro and Mom somewhat in check. It wasn't perfect, but it certainly wasn't what some of you have dealt with.

Golden, I ordered a bunch of detailed info from VIA Rail Canada. Info on the sides trips one can take. Anxious to receive.

Golden The potatoes and peas dish is super easy and tastes wonderful, but way too many calories with butter and cream. PJ just left after a pea shelling marathon - going to freeze I think. When tomatoes and green beans are ready the canning will start in earnest. I've got two crockpots of strawberry jam cooking. It will be ready to put in jars tomorrow at noon. Then I'm going to put on apple butter. I'm making that for PJ's grandsons - it's one of their favorites that I make. They're going to take some to the boys who live in Boston.

My family had more than it's fair share of problems. But I did have s good Dad. A little quiet sometimes, but in the end he made sure I was taken care of financially. And, while he was alive, he kept bad bro and Mom somewhat in check. He was also a great role model for how women should be treated in the workplace. It wasn't perfect, but it certainly wasn't what some of you have dealt with.

Golden, I ordered a bunch of detailed info from VIA Rail Canada. Info on the sides trips one can take. Anxious to receive.

Jessie,
My heart just breaks for you, honestly, I wish so I could beam you outta there and see you experience being truly loved and appreciated and cherished for who you are, and you are amazing! The more I hear your stories what you have gone through and are still going through, it brings tears to my eyes. Maybe because on a deep level, I can relate. Not all things are the same but we do have enough in common so I understand how you feel. You are so right too about women being targeted by other women for being pretty, smart, successful, or the opposite, can't win. Damned if you are, damned if you aren't whatever it is. So, are we supposed to all be just average? Envy the success, disparage the shortcomings.
Another thing you said was both your parents should not have had children. I think a lot of people should not have had kids but back in those days, society expected these things out of you or you were treated like an alien from outer space! If you weren't married by a certain age, there was cause for alarm and what was wrong with you? There were such strict societal expectations and unfortunately the women of that same era were expected to be the homemakers, the child bearers, the cooks, not the smart ones that had the careers, the breadwinners, handled the finances, fixed things around the house and all that testosterone related things.
Your Mom and mine sound like they were in the same era. Dad would have been fine with no kids or maybe one. Mom wanted 10! But I do remember clearly her saying she wanted 10 BOYS. I also know why she fights and argues and pouts when I find her doing things she should not be doing, part is dementia and the other part is I am the daughter and my opinion or suggestions don't hold the weight than if they came from a male. Got into it with her today, she had a paring knife and I saw no food, asked her nicely what she intended to do with the knife. She got the "hand in the cookie jar" face and I knew she was going to do something dumb like use it for weeding ( I caught her doing it before) even though we have the right tools to weed. I took the knife away quietly so to avoid another arguement.
Well she asked about it later and I told her I took it. The arguement starts. I am soooooo tired of the never ending arguements when I am the only one trying to keep her safe and happy. I also decided today I am going to keep a daily chart on her. She always likes to say, "I have never done that" or "this is the first time".....etc. If I write it all down, I have a reference point.
*Hugs* Never let her break your beautiful spirit, nobody is worth taking that from you!
Without my husband, I am not sure how I would be coping, even though he sometimes gets tired of hearing me gripe about Mom. But, he does love and support me and that's something! Can't count on my family for that.
BTW, I did consciously choose not to have kids and even I experienced people say things to me like, "You just haven't met the right man yet." "Who will take care of you when you get older." "You will change your mind." I am now 47 going on 48, never changed my mind and never regretted that decision. I KNEW I was not "mom material" so I did not care what everyone said or wanted to presume they knew me better than I know myself.

trying - what a difficult household in which to grow up. You have survived very well! Both mum and dad did a number on the opposite sex child!

ali thx - I think she is ok as she has shown no signs so far. I will call tomorrow and see how she is and ask for a meeting. . I don't know what I would do if it had caused her death beyond asking for a full accounting of what happened, but I would have to do something. I certainly understand about your and your grandmother. Here it is an acknowledged error which would make an investigation etc easier. I tend to be handy too, just because I enjoy doing it. I am so glad that stopping the SSRI has resulted in getting rid of the dizziness and that you have pinpointed the a/c as causing other problems. Congrats on finding a suitable 2 bedroom. I hope you get accepted and can move soon and find a decent job!

upset - good for you. Your son is doing well. I can see you are heading for a "cook a thon" of types too. New potatoes are awesome. Interesting about the peas. I cooked the thawed ones and made a white sauce, combined and refroze. It seemed better than having a block of cooked peas to deal with down the line. I haven't made that in ages, Your dish sounds way better. I am so glad you enjoyed your time away and felt free of the stress. Awesome! 

rainey your garden sounds great! 

Feeling the stress and aching today. This too will pass. Thank goodness I got some of my own medical stuff done.

Take care all.

Upsetsister,
I'll be right over for dinner! 😉
Kidding but that sounds wonderful, I have a large garden myself, love it so much, but it is a lot of work! Have blueberry bushes, two different fig trees, 1 huge apple, meyer lemon, two types of basil, raspberry, just got a pineberry so we will see how that works out! We did have a bumper crop of heirloom tomatoes one year and the last few years they just petered out for some odd reason. We ammended the soil, checked the PH levels, nothing doing. I think maybe because we had a huge monterey pine come down across the creek in a bad storm and that changed the light in the vegetable bed. Wondering if I should transfer my concord grapes over there and see if they do well there. I sure do miss the tomatoes! Glad you got a break but your home sounds wonderful!

I'm 67. I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly of men and women in every situation. I think I managed to raise a son who is supportive and who considers all women his equal and he is raising his two sons and daughter the same way.

Got back from Vermont around 2:00 to a garden run wild. I called PJ and two of his 17-year old grandsons came over to help. I have peas to can, cucumbers to start more pickles, some early tomatoes, zucchini, and more peas and green onions. I sent the boys home with a whole load. PJ and I were going to the movie. Instead he can spend a fun evening shelling peas with me. I dug a batch of tiny new potatoes. Going to put on a pot of that Maine favorite new peas and potatoes cooked in cream and butter. Definitely not diet food but I'll send it home with him - the boys all love that dish. Maybe tomorrow we'll be able to do something. He's taking the boys to Boston Friday to meet three who moved out and are in college and working. They're all spending until Sunday night watching 4 Red Sox/Yankees baseball games. Longstanding tradition. Two of his adult sons and their sons are going as well. So I'll be home with my veggies and canning/ freezing.

It was good to get away by myself. I spent 2 hours in the Dartmouth University bookstore. Found several things I wanted. Spent time with my friend, but the traveling by myself was good too. First time I've felt totally free of caregiver h*ll and the accompanying anxiety. But, happy to be home.

Everyone remember to take a deep breath and take care of yourself.

Oh my, Golden. I hope for your sake that your mom is fine through this overdosing episode and peacefully goes another time. I hear you, that you would feel compelled to do something. I know all about that, it's really why things were such a mess from jump with my caregiving life here. Things happened around my grandmother's death and I couldn't see any way to not pursue some kind of accountability from those who participated. However, it was too messy, too much. And in the end, I decided that my grandmother wanted me to be happy and move on. But... I don't wish something like that on anyone. How long until you know that your mom will be ok after this? Is that already determined? I'm so sorry. :-/

...

About the sexism... it does go both ways, just that women are in less of a position for our sexist ways to affect a man's life, since men are still many times more likely to be in positions of power in society. That's a deep, deep rabbit hole for me, to contemplate sexism's affect on me personally. And how far do I want to go down? I don't want to go down that path, I look for ways to avoid thinking about it. For myself, I decided long ago (unconsciously perhaps, it's simply who I am) that I would do whatever it was I wanted to do in this life, without any gender barriers. There's a history of strong minded women on both sides of my family. I suppose I'm thankful for the example. Women can have internalized misogyny and it's a terrible thing for them and definitely far worse for any female children they would have. Jessie, that's awful that your mom would feel that way. I suppose she's a product of a patriarchal society that tells her that men are more valuable then women.

I've mentioned on here before that I do some things that traditionally may have been considered more in line with "man's work." I don't do those things for any other reason than because I want to, I can, I enjoy working with my hands and fixing things. It's fun for me, most of the time. My longtime friends know I've always been like this. I take some pride in being handy, only because I feel self reliant, not because I feel that being handy makes me "more like a man." I'm simply a handy woman! lol!

...

It's been an interesting past 4 days. I have some things to share. My physical adjustment after stopping my daily SSRI seems to be going fine. I've had some weird feelings but... considering that I was having daily dizziness that was severely limiting... I'll take feeling "a little weird" any day.

Without a doubt, the AC in this house causes some distinct symptoms. If it's more than just the sore throat, itchy throat, coughing, feeling like I have bad allergies... If it's more than that, and it's mold effects, I don't know.

Full speed ahead to move away, though, and I can see how I feel after getting out of here. I found a 2 bedroom that I really like, it's got great storage space, which will help out so much. They said I'm first applicant and I meet their credit criteria, so fingers crossed that they'll lease to me. !!! It would be great to be done with looking and progress on to getting other moving plans together.

All around, things could be much worse for me right now. I still have to find decent work in the city, but it's a huge city and the place I'm HOPEFULLY! moving to is as close to commerce-central as one would care to be.

Hope everyone is having a decent day! It's so humid here and I want to run the AC but... I don't have any time for feeling bad right now. I'll sweat for now. ;-)