The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Good thread, I like this, explains a lot. Rainey69, I agree with you 100%. Mom died and everyone said they would chip in with dad..... 4 years later very little. Yes sister pays for his cell phone and loaned him a considerable amount to fix his car in the beginning. She invites him to her house once a year for 4 days. Treats him like a king and sends him back (AKA the Disney parent). I pay for everything else 24/7, deal with him and his health and his dog and when he runs out of cash monthly. I deal with his never ending expert comment of every subject known to mankind. Brother not even in the picture. I am excluded from family events now. No one calls, no one cares because he complains to everyone how tough it is here. Yes life is hard when you have a full size living room to your self, a large sunny bedroom, yes you have to share a hall bathroom because I couldn't afford the 3 and a half bath house. Your car is maintained, cleaned off of snow and your dog is cared for. Dinner cooked (mostly from scratch) every night and even lobster on special occasions, Oh life is hard.... Family? What family? I have begun to realize how dysfunctional my family is and was. Mom kept it altogether. Once she was gone it all fell apart. Sister is the golden child (never wrong and will tell you that), brother is the black sheep (wont deal with anyone) and I am the once who steps up every time to help and fix. No good deed goes unpunished.

I think caregiver's start out as the responsible, reliable child - not the golden child. Parents, siblings and other family members know they can be counted upon to do the right thing. And eventually as people age they know who they can count on. As a cousin told me recently while in the midst of trying to leave her 93 yr old mother for me to care for "you make everything look so easy - I make a mess". Avoid the flattery. They just want to dump their responsibilities on you.

Hmmmm, qualities of caregivers? As a kid my mom was ALWAYS complaining of some malady. Course the chronic D was no help to mom. She was a hypochondriac and I would not be the least bit empathetic, I ran the other way. Same with the men I have had relationships with all my life. How in the world did I become a caregiver?

Thinking of innate characteristics of caregivers made me smile at a memory: it became obvious that Daughter 1 was never going to make a rugby player when she kept stopping to help up others who'd just been knocked over by her team mates. But no matter - 25 years later she's very happy in her healthcare vocation :)

cm - I think we are born with the potential to be caregivers, should life give us the opportunity. No doubt we are affected by it if we do pick up that baton - some for the better and some not. If we aren't given the opportunity perhaps we help animals or others in distress. It would be interesting to see if there have been studies done on the characters/characteristics of caregivers.

Sorry, just to be clear - the rest of the family? Less said the better.

I have two cousins who were there for me. I don't think it's a coincidence that one was with my aunt when she was dying of brain metastases, and the other cared for her mother throughout the Parkinson's journey.

Three cousins. My mother's cousin, she was a rock, too. And, yes, also a caregiver - her mother died in an ALF near their home in Mass. in 2007.

Definitely not a coincidence, then.

Is it the humanity that makes the caregiver, or the caregiving that develops a whole new skein of humanity? Or a bit of both?

Wireless doorbell was new, so was trying it out...ding dong, ding dong, no move the receiver over there, ding dong, ding dong......days later, the neighbor phoned me.
Why she waited so long, I just don't know.

Golden, I once bought a garage door opener that not only did it only end my garage but also a neighbor's. Sears not checking the number of same codes sent to the same store. Took quite the effort to get them to change out the opener until I told them that if neighbor was burglarized the first thing I would do is let them know that my opener also opened their door. Gotta wonder what are the chances?

Cooking marathons? You have more stamina than I would have.

And yes, absolutely families are of no value when we provide the care, at least the majority of the time.

Sharyn, hope you are all settled in soon. I know it would have driven me nuts if my mom was around all of the time. Course my mom was the narcissist, she loved the family get togethers. As she got older she did not have to do the prep or cleanup work anymore. It was her daughters turns. Those were the days. Not a care in the world, no clue what mom's old age and Alzheimer's would bring.

sharyn - it was busy but I am thankful that I could do it, and though I am tired today, I am not sick. We will see what tomorrow brings, Dd's exercises are serving me well. You will eventually have to have a cook out at your own place for the grands and family. They are loving having you so close. Plates and wifi -nearly settled in!

rainey - I have always hated family functions. Oh the dramas! Been through it all -back stabbing, denial, betrayal, excuses. For me, distance is the best thing and knowing what to expect - more of what always has been and always will be.

upset - yes, little to no contact is best

Heart - I know you go through it too, I hate what your mother did to the photos and the cousin's lack of response.. Mother has done similar -then looked at me and said,. "I didn't think you wanted it," Not that she asked me, Then, of course, when she moves, I get dumped with dealing with all her stuff that nobody wants and absolutely no acknowledgement from anyone that it involves any work at all.

Pretty well wound up the kitchen stuff, but for a pot of soup, I have to shop for lentils tomorrow. Let one fly in through the garage yesterday and it is going crazy around the house -slim pickings in the kitchen as I cleaned up well yesterday. Got one mosquito bite and a swollen ankle as a result, but it is subsiding. Burnt my left thumb on a pork chop. It is starting to feel better. I hope that is the end of this run of mini disasters. I am thinking of unplugging the phone upstairs so I can sleep in if I want to. If that lady from the eye dr calls again at 8 am tomorrow, I might not be as pleasant as I was this morning.

Nice gentle rain this evening. I like it!!!

H2H,
It was awful. I will touch base soon, battery running out!

Ditto Rainey... Had a horrible summer with 'family' and it always seems to get worse... I feel so disrespected, and with my mother kissing up to all of them (when they aren't even physically here 99.9% of he time.. ). It makes me irate. My mother just gave away an original old wedding picture to an adopted 'cousin' in the mail without telling me... This was my mother's first marriage (my biological father) who we have very few pictures of... he died young... My mother told me "It's mine and I'll do whatever I want with them)... My mother has no respect for anything that should be cherished... She's written all over rare family photo's and even cut herself out of some (when we were babies sitting in her lap... another rare photo... she said she didn't like how she looked). I have lost respect for her, my brothers, adopted cousin (I asked on email if she could scan the photo and send it back... she didn't even reply to me and then sent an email to my mother via my email address... because my mother doesn't get ona pc... ). Really, have absolutely no family ... they suck.

Rainey69, Been there. I try to minimize any contact with family. It's simply easier. They aren't going to change. You need to take of yourself and try to have peace of mind.

Family (even extended) is nothing but a total let-down. Just went through a scuffle and this has nothing but reinforced my belief that family stinks. Nobody else can let you down quite like family can. You trust, they betray. You try to be the peaceful one, explain the new realities, they put on their phoney caring sympathetic faces ( like they actually give a s#_t ) and turn around and stab you in the back. You confront them, they deny and make up bs excuses, "Oh that isn't what we meant, we blah blah blah." Treat you like your a total moron, insulting your intelligence. They don't know a darn thing of what your life is like, what you go through on a daily basis, yet they feel they are the smart ones to make their judgemental comments when "they think" they are out of earshot. Can't trust anyone family related anymore. How unbelievably sad. 😥

Golden, you did have a busy day. I am glad you didn't lose the meat in the freezer. We haven't cooked much since we got here just some grilled burgers, dd and ail took us out for Chinese one night and last night dd made chicken enchiladas and rice.

Upset, it sounds good you are going slow. Waiting a few more years is a good idea. I hope you enjoyed your trip visiting friends.

Got my official idaho license plates and tags today, tomorrow is internet connect and wifi!! Still going through boxes... this will be my life for a while, lol!!

thx jessie - it does not qualify as a nightmare in my books. Dealing with mother was a nightmare - this is an inconvenience and a lot of work. Worse comes to worse you toss the food. Checking the freezer door is a good idea with your mother around.

upset - I can see you are taking it slow. In two years, only the twin boys - that's not too bad! To me that PJ took them all in and has dealt well with them speaks highly of him. He must be a good person, and you have lots of years that you have seen that. The mention of seven boys, then all the cooking I did yesterday reminds me of a time when my three boys were teens and used to bring home extras, sometimes to stay for a while. At one point, I was cooking for 5 teen age boys and a dh who weighed over 200 lbs. Two family packs of pork chops vanished at a meal. I still am comfortable cooking in bulk.

glad - that's a good idea. I did not finish getting the garage cleaned yet. I think I need to hose off the floor as it is so dusty. The thing is it does close all the way down sometimes and then goes up again on its own, though yesterday it would get stuck part way down and go up again.

Today did not start well either. The phone rang at 8 am and woke me up - the eye drs office asking if times had been set for my surgery, and if yes, when was it? Less than a week ago they called me to give me times. Surely they are in my file. I told her the times and said they were to send me out some papers. The answer was a vague, "Oh, yes, I had better do that". I really have very little confidence in this particular employee!!! Hope the doctor is much better.

Planning on being quiet today after yesterday's cook-a-thon. Can't face the thought of eating any of it. I had a glass of almond milk for supper last night. I have to cook the brined pork chops, and will make lentil or pea soup from the pork rib broth which smells quite nice. I may eat out today! MacDonald's sounds good right now. lol

CM, just stunned? I would be running as fast as I could in the other direction! But to PJ's credit the children have resulted from quite tragic and sad family situations, if you saw Upset's post about it.

Golden, you just cleaned out/swept the garage? Check those safety mechanism eyes mounted on the track for the garage door. Even cobwebs and dust can cause those eyes to think there is a child or animal or car in the way so the door would not close.

Upset - SEVEN???? SEVEN BOYS???????

Too stunned to say any more.

Golden - Freezer disasters are bad. I'm taking it slow. The 4 oldest boys all leave for college 9/18. They all have acceptance at schools in the south. That leaves 3. The 13 year old will be going to boarding school to play ice hockey. That will leave 10-yr old twin boys at home. So the crowd will thin out. I want to do the traveling on my own first though. I also want my house renovated with old folks equipment.So we'll see what happens. He's a good person. Always has been.

golden, that is my definition of a nightmare day. I know you were at wit's end. I'm relieved you didn't have to throw the food away.

It is funny in a way because last night I made a rare trip to the kitchen and found the freezer door open. Thank goodness I checked. Mom had put an ice cream container back in wrong, so it was holding the door open. I am glad that I made the odd trip. In fact, I think I'll do the same right now... just in case.

well said, trying

upset - glad you made it and are meeting with friends

My day is not as pleasant. It started with the chirping of the fire alarms - two of them - which had me going a little trying to figure out which one it was, but that is small stuff. Then went out to the freezer in the garage and found that the door had not shut properly, so it was running like crazy, and food was thawing, On top of the the garage door had been open all last night. I had shut both of them as usual but the freezer door did not connect for whatever reason and the garage door had gone down and then back up again, which meant, of course, that the garage was warmer than usual which did not help the freezer contents.

So I checked online what to do with the food and much of it could be cooked and then refrozen. Some was OK as it still had ice crystals. So I had a cooking marathon today. Some will go into a small freezer I have in the basement so as not to overwhelm the big one. I must say I am tired. But a bonus was I got to clean then inside of the freezer which needed doing and I have lots of prepared food. Pork chops are brining and I will cook them tomorrow. The down side is that I cooked up lots of brussels sprouts and broccoli and my kitchen smells like I did - not my favourite cooking odor. I still have a bit more to do but most of it is done and I cannot look supper in the face. No appetite at all and I suspect I will be quite tired tomorrow.

I got the car out of the garage and got the door almost shut. but it wants to go back up part way down or when it hits bottom, so I want a new door as it has had this problem before though not this bad. Oh well - could be worse. From now on part of my nightly routine will be checking the freezer and the garage doors!

Made it to Vermont. Had dinner with a couple who went to UMaine as young college students when I worked there in the late 80's. We've stayed in touch over the years. Had a nice dinner and met their four kids. Tomorrow and Tuesday doing some things with another friend from that period in my life.

I agree, Sharyn said it so well.
Toomany, this thread is a life preserver for those of us with elderly parents who have always been negative and toxic. We are all in one way or another trying to find the balance between caring for them and protecting ourselves. We might do things differently but we support each other. People who have not walked in our shoes don't really get it. Welcome.

upset - slow is good, but, for my money, I would not run away because of the kids. They won't be under foot forever. PJ obviously is quite the team leader and has managed them very well from what I can gather. He also is being very helpful to you and a good companion. See if any red flags pop up in time. Your travel ideas are great!!! If you end up going through Edmonton on your way from Montreal to Vancouver by rail, let me know. Christmas with your son sounds great. Hate the waking up thing. What I do is get up and do my 30 min walk (around the house and include exercises if I feel up to it), then take a cuppa decaf back to bed and play computer games till I fall asleep again This morning I woke up at 3 the first time and 9:30 the second time so got enough sleep in all. So glad you have heard nothing from the crazies for a while. It has to taper off. Might be an idea to give yourself a break with mum's things.

toomanymemories - not sure it really matters whether she is mean because she is old or just because she always has been. If she always has been, she will not be getting better, and if there is any dementia mixed in she may well get worse. In any case, you have to protect yourself from any abuse. I think it is easier - note I did not say easy - for those whose mums were good mums and then became difficult due to eg alzheimer's as they do have memories of the good times and good feelings from their parent from birth on. Some of us have precious few good memories and have been abused in one way or another from birth. You need to learn to detach from your parent and build your own life. This does not mean you can not help them, but do not let their negative ways drag you down, or make you feel guilty or be the focus of your existence. I agree with what upset and sharyn say.

trying - yes it was a relief to have good test results. I can't say that I expected different but you never know and I had not had them done for a while. Typical caregiver being too focussed in their parent and I am not sold on annual physicals. There is research that indicates they are not necessary as long as the individual isn't having any problems. Of course the docs don't agree. Good for you doing not allowing obligation to run your life and saving some time for you.

cm - poinsettias are a problem aren't they? Most of mine have conveniently died on their own. This one won't give up. For several years it was the most luscious green leaved plant that R got quite fond of, then it became pale and sickly, so I chopped it back and figured that was it. Low and behold it came back and has bloomed every year since, though has never been as nice as it was. This year, after the two months of dry spell during the evac a year ago, it is now closer to what it originally was. I just can't put it down when it has survived so much. The ivy was one of two I got from mother's place 7 years ago. It was very large and old (woody) and required a lot of water, which it didn't get during the evac. As well, we had some very hot weather during that period. It slowly fizzled away. It's poor cousin, which had trouble staying alive at the best of times, has survived and though still small, only two stems, looks quite healthy. I am amazed that I didn't lose more. I have about 20.

Having a challenging day. More on that later.

Sharyn - Your answer above was so well said.

CM, PJ is a great person. But right now today - he has more kids than I want to cope with. But in two more years there will only be 2. In one year just 3.

toomanymemories, I gave your question some thought. So many people tell us that it is because age or dementia, but we have the benefit of knowing our parents for our entire life. With my mother her behavior is about 20% age, 20% dementia, and 60% the way she has always been. You're in the same position as many of us are in being the only one who will care for your mother. I believe that my mother is afraid of other people and finds fault with them. She pushes them away from her if anyone shows attention. She doesn't want anyone in the house. I don't really think she wants me here, but she knows she needs me. She has pushed me away emotionally, though. We live in the same house, but in different worlds at the same time.

Upset I'd run one mile per child that this (otherwise very nice, I'm sure) man has. Unless you feel you're cut out to be a sort of 21st century Maria von Trapp. How many's he got, anyway?

Golden my heart sinks at Christmas time when people loom up with poinsettias. If we had no conscience we could bin them on twelfth night along with the wrapping paper and the streamers, but there it is, the poor defenceless little legal Mexican immigrant sitting on your coffee table, having every right to expect you to take care of it, and absent the appropriate climate and/or endless horticultural labour you know exactly how it's going to look after six months. I tend to shut my eyes and go for the coup de grâce method now.

I'm sorry you lost an ivy you're fond of. I wonder what exactly proved lethal? - they're such survivors, normally.

Ooh I would love to visit a lavender farm Sharyn. CM I found lavender plants earlier this year and put them in pots out on my roof garden plus one in my little church community garden. So far so good but I would really love to try growing from seed at home. I wonder if I can use a grow light over the winter to grow herbs and lavender?

Golden, so glad your tests and appointments are nearly done, that must be a relief. I hate medical maintenance stuff but I know it's important. I am overdue for so many things. During the school year, with two jobs, there is no time but I really should fit them in over the summer...

Ali, it's great to hear you are finding time to enjoy life!

Stacey, your earwax post just tickled me to death! I really get how satisfying it must be to defeat a monster wax ball!!

Got home from Maine last night. We had a wonderful time but It's good to be back. I miss my kids and grandkids but that will lessen in a day or two. I'm going to visit Dad at the rehab soon then I will stop in to see Mom on my way back. Visits will be quick today. I want to unpack, do laundry, go grocery shopping and get the house in order before I go back to work tomorrow. The old me would have felt obligated to rush right over and give up the day. Nothing would have gotten done and I would have come back exhausted. This is progress for me but someday I hope to get to the point where these decisions come more naturally and do not require an emotional process.

From my experience with my mother, she is mean because she always has been and aging amplifies it. How do you decide if you have had enough? How important is the rest of your life to you, your health, your peace of mind that you are deserving? Boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries. Learn to detach with love, set limits and stick to them. Focus on what her needs are such as food, medicine and safety. Disregard her wants.