The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

In ref to "itsmehere" post about purging emails and other things.

I think that purging is a good thing. If you were in a lousy relationship, why would you keep anything related to that relationship (other than any children of course). For me it was how I moved on. Personal emails I answer and delete. My memory box has gotten smaller and smaller over the years. I think I am down to a shoebox and that is not full. My Moms life is in one file box and I am going to be going thru that now she has been gone over 5 years. There are some things I will keep. Hoping to do a scrapbook of her life. I have photos that are 100 yrs old or more. Tin types I want to keep.

Duck I am so sorry your surgery was postponed. What a big let-down!!! Happy for you that your son was there for support and - wow - you got a raise!!!! Well deserved I am sure!

re emails that need saving, we now have the cloud which is handy. I have saved some things on an external hard drive and I keep two laptops going so when one dies I have the other as a back up.

Happy Mother's Day everyone, in case I forget tomorrow! I know there are mixed feelings around that day for many of us.

DDDuck, I’m sorry to hear your surgery has been postponed. How frustrating!

Re: keeping email. And beyond. I’ve noticed soooo many “You’ve been doing it all wrong!” videos and memes and, frankly, they bug the manure out of me! The right answer is whatever you’ve been doing. The older I get (and I’m amongst the younger here) the more I acknowledge my own tendency to overthink things that have neither a right nor wrong answer. Just as decorating style (like minimalist vs maximalist) is personal. Hoarding is a dangerous extreme, but so is denial of comfort.

If you’re saving anything for legal reasons, consider printing and filing or saving to a memory stick in a universal format. (Then delete them if you wish.) For that inevitable day when your hard drive goes “Kablooie!”

Oh, Duck! That's rotten news! Why the postponement?

Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day and better health ahead!

Happy Mother’s Day to you Duck. Glad that you got to spend time with your son.

So sorry that your surgery is postponed. That’s hard. We psych ourselves up for surgery. Experiencing a delay is agonizing.

Please keep us posted on any updates. Hugs!

Happy Mother's Day everyone!
My surgery has been postponed.
I devastated I cried hard.

My son came.
It was so wonderful with him here.
I felt safe. His support and understanding was awesome.

I feel that all was for the best. The doctor apologized I went through so much anticipation and anxiety real heavy before so the let down wore me out.

Well good news is I finally got a raise. 6 dollar increase which kinda says underpayment. Agency work can be lowest rate on the totem pole.
THank you all for the support.
So much more to share. I started post on Wednesday day after I was to have surgery and lost it I guess for the better.

So much love in my heart for you all!
((((HUGGS))))
Rays of Love, healing and blessings to us all.

I think the old saying does apply. I know people who keep emails till they fill up their quota and have to delete some. And I know others who periodically clear out some of their emails. I am in the latter group and I am almost - not quite - obsessive about my junk mail folder. I keep it cleared out daily. Other emails I review once in a long while and if I think I won't need them any more I delete them. I feel better if I clear out old emails periodically. It's like tidying a room - not literally - but feels like that to me.

A helpful way of letting go of actual objects that you don’t have room for when downsizing , is to take photographs of them . You keep the memories without having the actual objects.

polar - good luck with the cleaning out. I am having to as I am moving to a smaller place.

I tend to see thing as you do, that hanging on too much - whatever that is - may be a sign of unresolved grief. On the other hand the extreme of not wanting anything at all and tossing it all away quickly may be a sign of unresolved feelings of some kind too. Sounds like anger to me which can be part of grief too. Any extreme may point to grief that needs some help.

Itsmehere, welcome back. You wrote:

"I'm wondering if someone could help me understand a different way of thinking because I recently learned some people can't keep emails, notes or msgs around even if they aren't toxic. If they moved on from a relationship, any past correspondence, no matter how benign or non-toxic, somehow affects them and they have to discard it. It's as if they can't separate themselves without burning up any memory of the person including any record of communication!"

"Can anyone explain this? Is it an inability to go forward and incorporate past experiences and people as part of their history? Is it healthy? I'd like to understand this thinking because I was surprised."

Itsmehere, I was surprised to read the above. I may interpret your words differently than what you actually mean. However, for me the opposite is true.

Needing to hold on to insequential things from the past to me is an "inability" to let go, a symptom of hoarding. The past lives in my memory. I keep some pictures, but I don't need much else unless they have practical usefulness.

Having said that, I myself have a lot of old stuff that I need to go through and throw out. I don't have the time or motivation to do. And when I do find time and motivation, I go through each thing and find myself not wanting to part with them for one reason or another. I don't like when I do that. Each time I was able to clean out, give away, get rid of things no longer needed, it felt good.

Maybe I'll do a bit of cleaning out and getting rid of some more stuff later tonight.

Hi Duck - prayers and best wishes for all to go well with your surgery. I hope it gives you great relief. Glad the basement water was not an issue for you.

Hi Itsme, Welcome back. I don't know what there is understand about why people act differently. For example some get rid of all the clothing of a loved one who has passed right away and some hang on to things for a long time. and some are in between.

There is no right or wrong in that, just what works for the person, If you want to hang on to things, that's OK. If someone else wants to get rid of them, that's OK too. We all handle loss differently. I don't think it is necessarily an inability to move forward. In any case it is their choice. I don't think either way is necessarily unhealthy.

I dealt very differently with my son's things after he died than I did with my mothers things after she died. I hung onto more of my son's things longer than I did with my mother's. The relationships were very different. Now years later I haven't kept much from either of them but my memories of them are intact.

I have liked to keep a very few things from family and friends who have passed but eventually have recycled some of them. As you get older more and more people pass and you have less and less space to store stuff.

Itsme, welcome back!

I think it's a personal thing. Different for everyone. You are right. Your past is what got you to where you are now and it's valuable in that respect especially if you've learned from it.

I know when my mom died I hung on to insignificant things like the notes the home health people made about my mom in their daily reports, all the receipts I had from when I was my mom's POA and wanted to keep records if anything ever came into question, mom's old prescriptions, you name it. I kind of felt if I threw them away I was throwing her last connections with me and earth away. I even hung on to all the angry e-mails I exchanged with my siblings and believe me there was some anger there.

One day I went through it all and threw it away and it was cathartic. It was a personal growth experience for me. But I don't think it's wrong for you or anyone to hang on to that sort of stuff if you feel it's a kind of legacy. I still have all the b'day cards from my mom, knick knacks, etc. Things from happier times when she was thriving and healthy. But as for the stuff from less happy times? I just think it was freeing to dispose of it.

I hope this helps.

Duck,

Sending hugs and prayers your way. Keep us posted please!

Greetings everyone.
Getting close to surgery.
I am a bundle of nerves.

Last Sunday night my neighbor called while I was at work stating water was pouring into his basement from my side.
I was unable to leave and
retched out to my sister and nephew in vain to check basement. I sent text and his info. He also kept calling and got voice mail.
After so much worry I got home 2am and all was well, thank goodness.

Glad I had same email issue I tried to save some for legal issues just in case.
Crazy for me to have trouble deleting old stuff. I had use another address and may have deleted the entire old emails on the other.
Ialso wanted to share that after or rather as soon as I paid and got clearance for surgery I became a waterfall, about 2 minutes in I thought I will be brand new and the tears shut down.
I can't wait for this to be over!

I hope you are all well and in good spirits and health.
Rays of love and healing to us all

Like you said Golden, for legal reasons.

Just hoping it's all over for Glad, and she has peace.
But one never knows about twisteds.

I save things if ever I start to doubt myself or my memory that some things happened to me. Fraud, (the twisted) reported to insurance (lying) that I had an accident instead of the truth that heroin addicted daughter had her third + accident.

If it wasn't for Glad, and others sharing, I would still be vulnerable to narcissists, aka twisteds.

glad - deleting those toxic messages sounds like a good idea to me. I have got rid of all the toxic emails I had a long time ago. Why keep them - unless you plan on using them for legal action.

barb - good for you keeping your boundaries firm!!!

Caregiver341 - caregivers need to look after themselves too. What changes could you bring about to help you yourself do better? Your dad will only decline so the work of looking after him will increase. You don't have to hold to a promise you made years ago when you did not know what you were getting into. As Need says, "You matter too" - just as much as he does. Please get some help. check with your local Agency for Aging to see if there are resources available ,

Sanity - Sounds like your step-mum and dad are past assisted living and need more care than that. Selling the house and placing them looks like the right thing to do. Limit contact with the toxic people. I mean really limit it. As financial and medical POAs, you and Marianne have the responsibility to do what is right for your dad and his wife and the others have no say in that, nor should they have an information about what you are doing. You don't have to keep them informed or get their approval or agreement. Just do what is right for your dad and step mum and stay away from the others. Block their phone numbers if necessary. Good luck.

Send - why keep them?

Gladimhere,
Can you put the twisted's files on a thumb drive?

I'm dealing with a very difficult family dynamic in trying to provide care for my dad. My dad has been remarried for 40+ years to a woman named Jutta who has 2 children Steven & Debbie. I have always struggled to get along with them because they have a very toxic dynamic which scared me off. No family is perfect, certainly not my own either. But this was really difficult to be around. Debbie struggles w/ a constant cycle of addiction and rehab, and pathological lying. Steven is a malignant narcissist bully with alcohol, marijuana and gambling issues. This is not an exaggeration... people who know him agree. They can be very nasty, vindictive and manipulative. So, I've always steered clear of them as much as possible and spent time with my dad separately.

In Sept. my dad had his first stroke because he refused to take his medications. This caused a mild slur, right side weakness, and the beginnings of Vascular Dementia. Debbie was coming out on weekends long before the stroke to help them take care of their house since they weren't able to any more. No one told me this. My dad & Jutta moved 3 hrs away during Covid, so I didn't see my dad as often. I appreciate that she did do a lot for them, but she also spent an enormous amount of time at the casino gambling. The house was horrifically filthy to the point of being a health hazard.... so I'm not sure how much help was happening, but I still appreciate what she did. Steve never helps with anything, ever, but would come visit so he could gamble. After the stroke, I strongly advocated for them to move into a senior community because I also saw that Jutta had full blown dementia, which I didn't know. Dad always said she doing fine. Debbie originally agreed, but then later denied it to Steven. Steven chewed me out w/ nasty phone calls and text messages informing me that I wasn't a part of their family, they would take care of them by coming on weekends and I wasn't welcome there. I warned him that my dad would stop taking his meds again, and then he would have a bigger stroke, or die. If he didn't die, he would be so impacted that he would have to go into full Assisted Living and not an independent senior living community, and we'd have to do it with a gun to our heads w/ no time to plan or adjust to the change. They would not listen. My dad would not even discuss it, and got very angry. I hate to say I gave up, but I had no other choice. My dad is VERY stubborn, and Steve & Debbie were egging him on.

So, my dad had a bigger second stroke six months later, which is this month. He stopped taking his meds again, and would lie to me about it every time I called. Jutta stopped taking hers meds too, and her dementia progressed. My dad now has dysphasia (scrambled words), is very weak, and now has significant Vascular Dementia. They absolutely cannot live on their own, and the doctors all recommend Assisted Living. Sadly, my dad opted not to sign up for LTC insurance (his job offered it), has very little savings and a fixed income... not anywhere near enough to hire a Home Care Aide so they can live at home.

So now the only option to pay for their care is to sell their house, which they own outright, thankfully. I have Medical POA for my dad, and Steven's wife Marianne has Financial POA. I was asked to do financial too, but didn't want to deal with Steven & Debbie. Given both their history, nobody trusted them w/ anything financial. Marianne is a good, stable person who has their best interests at heart, so it made sense. Steven&Debbie are fighting us at every turn about selling the house, even tho it's the only option. They're being very verbally abusive to Marianne and making an overwhelming, bad situation a hundred times worse. Meanwhile they have done zero to help with Jutta & Dad, or even visited him! I think it's about greed. They want to inherit the house. Marianne keeps caving in to keep the peace. I'd be grateful for any advice!!

Caregiver, what if when you were “only a teenager, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me to never put him "in a coffin". Would you feel bound by that? Or would you think that it’s impossible for either of you to know what the future brings, and some things need to be done, for everyone’s sake?

Caregiver,

I know that it’s hard to do but what about you? You matter just as much as he does.

Things are going to get harder on you, not easier.

Do you have any outside help? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? If you haven’t, please do. They will do a needs assessment on your father.

They will provide a certain number of hours of help per month. This includes bathing, housekeeping in his room, preparing light meals and so on.

NeedHelpWithMom,

Hi,

I don't have the heart to do that. Many years ago when I was only a teenager, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me to never put him "in a home".

Plus, he's still "there" enough to be living at home. I think if he starts to wander and gets lost or starts to have falls, or starts to be unable to climb the stairs, maybe I will consider it. I just have a feeling he will have an emergency health issue before it even comes to that.

Caregiver,

Have you considered placing your dad in a facility? I think you realize that this is too much for you. What happens if you collapse? Take care of yourself.

Place your dad, you will no longer have the burden of doing the hands on caregiving. You can be his advocate and visit as often as you like.

I am my father's full-time caregiver, I'm also a student. I have siblings who wish to have no contact with my father. Half my family lives in another country, the other half who live nearby are toxic and we have no contact with them.

I am caring for him all on my own and it is dreadful. He had a stroke recently, now he has cognitive issues, almost dementia-like. He's not the same man I knew before.

I have never been so stressed and anxious in my entire life. I don't eat properly, I don't hydrate properly, I neglect self-care, I can barely focus on my school work, my sleep which I once cherished is now suffering.

I wish I had some help so I can have a day to recharge myself and release the tension. Asking my family for help is not an option. My father absolutely refused outside help, no PSW, no social workers, no physiotherapists, nothing.

I feel very guilty. His confusion is heartbreaking and I avoid approaching him unless I need to, and I get shaky and anxious when I hear him approaching me. He accuses me of lying all the time. He asks questions that don't make sense. He fidgets around with everything, misplaces items. he's able to dress himself but today, for example, he put on two pairs of pants and two sweaters and laughed about it. I'm glad he has a sense of humour but for me, it's heartbreaking and scary.

I am patting myself on the back today for standing firm.

Troubled middle daughter (TMD) asked last week if I could watch B, 6 yo on Mondays in May so she can go to chorus rehearsal. Tmd's dad will be on vacation most of that month, I outlined what I could do. (This in addition to Tuesdays and alternate Wednesdays)

Late last night I got a text asking can I watch B TOMORROW (IE TODAY) and can I keep her until the trivia night her not dh wants to go to is over.

I pointed out she'd said May. Not this week. Left it there.

No SWOOPING!!

Well out of the blue I got a notification from MSN that I am 4 gb over my limit! LOL! So now my e-mail will not work until I get busy deleting or buy additional storage. You would think they would have notified me long ago! So that is a whine.

But, it will force me to delete ancient dysfunctional emails from twisted sissies and auntie dearest so they go into the background of my memories as I won't be able to access them any longer.

Duck - staying home and taking care of yourself is good!

boj - good one

Anne - you may not be able to maintain your adulthood without increasing his anger. You are not responsible for his emotions - he is. What may be helpful is to draw boundaries for yourself. Cloud and Townsend have a good book on Boundaries. It is important that you are comfortable on your own skin in your home.

Boundaries don't change the other person, they change you to take protective action for yourself. For example Dad if you are going to get angry with me. I can't talk with you. I'll leave the room and see you later when you are calmer.

I see from your profile you allowed your mother and your father to move in with you. It sounds, understandably, that it is becoming too much for you to care for them. Have you looked into placing them in an facility where they can get professional care 24/7? If your dad can't behave reasonably in your home then an alternative is needed.

Generally it is not wise for a adult offspring of "not good parents" to be their caregiver as it brings up too many hurtful feelings. I and others on this thread understand that well. I see it is happening to you, Not only does it bring up hurts from the past but new hurts keep happeningi f the parent hasn't changed (usually the case).

Medicaid is available for those who don't have funds to self pay. Your local agency for Aging should have some resources/ideas for you.

Wishing you all the best in this difficult journey.

My father has always a angry person, now things have just become worse as he is aging. He seems to feel it’s ok to direct his anger at me, since I am the ‘child (at 64 lol). How can I maintain my “adulthood”, without increasing his anger. Some days I can just ignore him, other days I fight back. I know it’s wrong and not productive, but it brings back to many unhappy feelings. I’m at a loss.

😉 when you're part of a dysfunctional family (part 10)...

"Why did the narcissist cross the road?
He thought it was a boundary."

I also read a while back of it possibly being made unavailable because of the benefits.
That and oregano oil are my main arsenal
Also,
Burdock and mullien root

Love you all. I am preparing my regular salmon and sweet potatoes for my mother. I didn't visit 2 weeks. A battery of tests one week and just plain down and out last week.
Have a beautiful wonderful day everyone.
Rays of love healing and peace to us all

The nac drastically improved my cough and
Lung issues after many years.
I took it daily and doubled up with onset of a cold.
The pulmonary doctor with wtc said they must have made a mistake on myfirst Lung scan because there was no sign of polyps or a spot of emphysema.
I have a huge bottle I don't take daily now because it irritates my throat and stomach but no doubt when cold or chill comes or cough.

I tried to get my cousin with Lung cancer to take it
And a friend with severe copd i