notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Yesterday I tried chamomile with the matcha. It works.
I use ltheanine ltrytophan
The relora worked for a while.
Just the chamomile and matcha worked in no time I didn't take my regular benadryl and melatonin.
In the 90's my beloved cousin bought me sleepy time tea that's next .
For now it's the chamomile mix.
NAC is awesome.
I had a terrible wtc cough my client's m
Mom told me she has a couple boyfriends and I did meet one. At a care meeting, their social worker said they are monitoring their activities, But if a room together is requested, they must be given one.
I have gone through one of Dad’s home offices for important papers and such - five file cabinets of paperwork. Getting started with the second office tomorrow. Staples made money off of my Dad, as there is a plethora of manila file folders in various colors, large plastic file carry totes, blank CDs, and other computer equipment!
Duck, we all are a work in progress, and do not doubt that you are making progress.. Allergies getting to me these days but I wanted to share that matcha tea had a high level of L theanine which is calming. You might want to try it again. I have been drinking both green and black teas but I am going to try matcha myself. for the L theanine.
It's hard to accept ourselves when we have been abused as children and calked down frequently. We all have a history of some sort - some better some worse, and we all have genetics, some which work for us and some which work against us. Try to stop beating yourself up. I know with a dysfun fam that is part of the baggage and one we nned to work on.
Barb interesting about the NAC. It's one recommended for CFS/FM.
Need - 2 of my kids and 2 of my grands are ADHD and all very bright I don't know about my middle son. and ADHD. He has been the most successful career wise.
It’s interesting that you mentioned that you suffer with depression and other disorders. All of these things affect how we process our thoughts.
I had an interesting conversation with my youngest daughter a few days ago.
She has ADHD. She was diagnosed in high school but she believes that she had it long before then.
Children don’t always know how to articulate their feelings. Parents and teachers can miss signs early on too.
She was a very good student and we were surprised when she first told us that she was having trouble focusing in school.
She brought up the possibility of ADHD to us and we made an appointment to have her tested. She takes Adderall to manage her symptoms.
She read a book on ADHD recently. She was telling me about how she enjoyed the book and how it went into detail about the symptoms and it’s similarities to other disorders.
One of the symptoms she truly identifies with is hyper focusing on things. I look back on her behavior and I definitely saw that in her. We just thought she could be a drama queen at times! LOL 😆 She actually did act on stage for awhile.
She was also telling me about the similarities between autism and ADHD. It’s fascinating how people learn coping mechanisms before they are aware of their disorder.
You talk about wanting to be grown up like others but most people have had our struggles before getting settled. It doesn’t really matter if someone achieves their goals a little bit later than they would have hoped to.
My daughter switched her major three times in school! I got to the point where I said, ‘Just pick something and graduate!’ She ended up with a business degree and is doing well.
I understand. Sometimes, I will replay tapes in my head too. I say to myself, ‘Why did I do this?’ Or, ‘Why didn’t I do such and such?’
I think all of us have struggled with visiting the past. I had to go to a therapist to help me to sort out my emotions. We all strive to live in peace. For me it took reprogramming.
I had disturbing memories from my youth that I had to face and resolve in my own head. Also, the tough memories of dealing with caregiving for my parents. Personally,, I don’t think anyone has a perfect family.
You’ll get through everything. You know that nothing happens overnight. It takes time.
That’s interesting about the supplements. I don’t take anything but vitamin D. So, I am not very familiar with them.
My daughter loves matcha.
Sending you a bazillion hugs and best wishes.
So many of you are my hero.
You would not believe e the impact you have made in my life and growth.
I am 62 and I want to grow up and be like some you
Sometimes I can hear the voice and feel the knock in my head or the hug.
LIke I felt that you understand from Need.
Gersh I mixed up the depression.
Golden, Glad (3G's) heros
The wisdom love and experience here is awesome God Sent and working in this forum.
So many people go through so much more and through sharing whether similar or not it helps in so many ways.
Oh in my lost post I wrote a book on trying to remember what supplements I was taking around Last October be abuse I was at peace in my heart and mind. It was Matcha tea and moringa. Help depression as usual I felt good and stop. Going to try and get there not to mention the sleepless nights. Also Magnesium glycinate helps my pressure and what I call sleep
So much love in my heart for you all.
My mother kept the front yard nice and pretty. I would spend a lot on Easter and then Mother's day.
Now the neighbor's oak tree has grown over the house and gives beautiful shade in summer but those balls and leaves are horror.
Hopinion the daffodils and hyacinth com back. Hardly see squirrels anymore since covid and the rats. They love tulips.
I am going to try camomile with the matcha and see how I sleep.
Anyways HUGGS and love
Rays of love,healing and peace to us all.
Sometimes I loose my reasoning.
I just checked my purchase history for supplements I bought and took around
Last October. I felt so free and at peace. I am thinking it was moringa or
matcha tea. I utube a lot. I know I have depression and other disorders.
THank you so much for the input. I heard you and understand. :)
narcs be like:
"Stop whatever you're doing and finish this thing I don't want to do."
narcs be like:
"I'm going to miss having you around to blame."
To have mother who called you Dumb Dora is child abuse, pure and simple. She must be a very damaged person. Possibly abused by her family members.
You should be proud to have overcome that legacy.
You are a hero...mine and that of everyone here.
I relate to what you said about caring and getting overwhelmed and not caring and getting lazy. But I have come to discover that what I have considered my laziness has been depression, which causes unmotivation, which we interpret as laziness and turn around into self loathing which in turn leads to more laziness and that why should I even bother mindset.
Do you understand what I'm saying? In other words, it's not your fault. Be kinder to your self. Look up more. God understands.
We are all works in progress! None of us have it all together.
Life is full of good and bad experiences. It is difficult when we remember the difficult times in our lives. I hope that in time the pain will lessen.
Spring is my favorite season too.
It is very satisfying to watch flowers bloom. Your garden sounds lovely!
Hoping your surgery goes well and you get relief from your pain.
Take care.
I am not caught up but it was great to see the 3 G's postings.
I am still a work in progress. Trying to find peace in my mind.
Sonetime I find my self stuck in remembering various negative event with my mother and sister.
I pray regularly to erase memories. I wonder if I will live them down.
Otherwise I'm good. Good.
I plan to use my down time after surgery seeking help.
Golden true words change in lifestyle.
I always remember wishing I was normal.
Nearsided and knobby knees.
I also read about name calling.
My mother would call me dumb Dora. I guess this is what made me strive to be an a student
I realize that who I am not is a result of trying and pining for my mother love.
FEELING outcast and I realize some defense mechanisms work a viscious cycle guilt and shame for me. I start to quit smoking the smoke and drink more.
Days I work are good. When I am off loneliness comes around. I get lazy and don't care. Then when I care I get overwhelmed. So I am still learning to know and love myself. I am so much better at certain things. Like my annual medical appointments with wtc program are stressful so I cut out a regular event of my daily routines like visiting a pantry or things I don't really need to do. Also guilt trip when I put off a visit with my mother. Although she is good each visit is an emotional rollercoaster.
Realizing my son had same feelings wishing I was normal. We have talks sometimes.
Right now I am stressing because he will be comming during my surgery. I want to front the I'm okay presentation but it's not easy and then I am just not used to concern about myself and I don't want his to worry which he will because I can barely walk sometimes. Oh well just vent so much more.
I just don't get no matter how hurt or wounded a person is giving the same hurt in a different form.
One thing I enjoy are the spring flowers and gardening.
Alays bought my mother her plants for Easter and mother's day.
The tree in the front now shades the flower pots so I need shade loving perennials and flowers
I bought hyacinths and the smell was beautiful also daffodils but now I have to plant them.....
Anyways so glad for this forum. Much love to everyone.
I hope you all are in a good wonderful place.
Rays of love and healing.
narcs be like:
"I have an extremely high tolerance for the pain I inflict on others."
roves it I can continue to improve. My goalsarsto confine to improve do I can garden, walk a couple miles.
inhipe everyone is well and I. Sending love to all of you
“It is weird how they act as if she is already dead.”
awful.
you’re a good person, tiredsister. i hope there’s some way for less problems to land on you.
good people deserve a good life, too :).
it seems sometimes, that it’s the selfish ones who end up with a “good” life.
🐣🐣🥚🥚🍀🍀
(i know it’s not easter anymore, but i can’t get out of easter mode.)
While we did not always see eye to eye, my 3 sisters were a real "social support" to my mother, which gave me breaks from caregiving, and I never felt totally alone in my love and concern for her. I always relayed the latest medical info to them about her state of health, and felt a kind of partnership with them, equally concerned for her well being, even if I was the only one providing actual Care.
With my sister, I am totally on my own.
She has 4 sons, 4 daughters-in law, about 20 grown grand kids...yet, only one of her sons is consistent in keeping in contact with her. I feel absolutely no support or concern from any of the others. It is weird how they act as if she is already dead.
"All it does is confuse you as you hope they will continue to be nice, but that's a vain hope."
exactly. totally agree.
i've come to the conclusion that the real personality is the narc one, because a truly kind/sweet person would never behave in that way.
Yet I was the one chosen to do the jobs, like you, the Cinderella child. I find it a good analogue. One year my sister was given a sheared lamb coat for Christmas. I was given a bottle of vitamin pills. Kinda tore me up at the time. You don't forget stuff like that. Wish I could. Not that I dwell on it, but it sure hurt - as was intended. Friends, my non blood family, were (are) very important to me. I got the support from them I didn't get at home.
bundle - you are right about the jealousy. I saw that in my mother and in my sister. I used to think why are they jealous as I am always told how "wrong" I am, but they were. I don't know if any narcs are 100%. Mine weren't but the odd kindness or normal behaviour in no way makes up for or excuses the narc. All it does is confuse you as you hope they will continue to be nice, but that's a vain hope.
terrible.
and absurd she treated the boy better.
and unfortunately, very common.
many mothers are jealous of their daughters, and try to secretly trample them down.
"The only narcissist
I have room for
in my life is my cat."
"The narcissist is never
going to turn into a prince."
"I am glad you have some great family members"
not just great.
spectacular; amazing.
by the way, even the narcs in my family aren't totally, 100% awful.
but...they're narcs.
Going back to Ali's post " many studies that conclusively link childhood trauma to an increased rate of lifelong medical issues". Yes indeed and applicable to a number of us here, me included. I believe the CFS/FM is one of those medical issues.. I am very fortunate I don't have more. Caregiver B - 6 children. Oh my. She will be busy!!!
duck -cures are great but often it is more a matter of a lifestyle change that brings benefits - like doing the breathing exercises regularly. Stress does such a number on our bodies. Hope surgery gets rid of your pain.
gershun - sorry about your breathing problems. I have allergies which cause congestion and I know about that stopping breathing feeling. I find that sleeping on several pillows i.e. propping my head up relieves the congestion and then that doesn't happen. You don't have to be overweight to have sleep apnea. R is very lean and he has a mild form and won't use that apparatus either. Dd is not overweight and she has it fairly severely and uses the CPAP machine. The only way to know is to do a sleep study. Are the deep breathing exercises helping?
boj - "People will usually hurt you in an attempt to heal themselves." Maybe. I do know hurting people, hurt people. Sometimes I think it is a "miswired" brain. Unfortunately when we grow up in a dysfun fam we get used to being mistreated and it becomes our norm. That can lead to all kinds of bad decisions. I am glad you have some great family members, I know it helps.
glad - re forgiveness. I have found, for me, it is an ongoing process, certainly often not a one time thing. Agreed you have to decide if you are going to forgive or not. Personally I don't want the "unforgiveness toxins" inside me. I once heard forgiveness expressed as "Giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me".
need - I so agree that letting go and moving on is best. Even in cases of extreme abuse, the relationship may not be salvageable but the abused person can still forgive and heal and move on,
way - welcome to this thread. I have cut contact with my sister and that has been a very good thing for me. Mother did the playing one against another too, but sis earned the n/c herself. I enjoyed extended family get togethers as the uncles and aunts and cousins were all pretty normal but I knew from the get go that I had to find my "family" outside of my family of origin. I love getting together with my kids and grands. I am sorry about your dh and his dad. I have seen that happen to divorced dads and sons. My oldest son felt that.
Hi ginger - family scapegoats here too and learned well that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Boundaries are so important for our protection. II am sorry you feel hate from your family. For me it is the was the coldness and lack of any empathy from my sis that got me. Mother was explosive, and a narc but there was a heart in there somewhere that showed sometimes - not often, but sometimes.
Here still recovering from R's visit and the extra activity and looking for ways to avoid another crash and still get stuff done. Just to let people know, berating me for not doing things differently, or the way you think I should do them, doesn't help me. Walk a mile in my shoes...My dd is my cheerleader and that does help. R is recovering from his surgery, not as quickly as he would like but making progress.
Spring is here, I have more green that white on the back lawn, but not in front though the large mounds of snow are smaller and some green is showing. I miss the snowdrops from my childhood that used to come out by the foundation of the house when the sun got warmer in February. 🌞
So true !! I feel the same as you .
I took care of my parents and HAD to set boundaries at the same time to survive and became the outcast . I was lucky to have one sister that pointed out to me that I had to set boundaries and that I was not responsible for my parents happiness .