notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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"Trying to reason with a narcissist is
like trying to nail jello to a tree."
i will endeavour to look like that in real life.
Caregiving for narcissistic parents has been a journey of awareness for me and the role I held in my family. Learned a lot about boundaries and self care from others on this forum. My family seems to hate me more than ever for boundaries, but it has been a life saver for me.
(some, however, are narcs)
way, you wrote: “Over the years, I have also seen two of my siblings change significantly during their married lives . They are rude , selfish people ( like their spouses) and 1 sibling in particular lacks empathy to an extreme. Neither of them were like this when we were kids together.”
the exact same thing happened with my brother. very nice as a child. nice adult, too. became terrible after marriage. awful personality.
i’ve heard that happens sometimes (becoming an awful person after getting married; previously, nice personality). i thought it was the wife’s influence. but now i think, he must have been this way before, and somehow hid it.
For years before the caregiving started and even during the caregiving, until my parents were finally placed near the ends of their lives , my siblings would come for holidays etc. out of obligation, and/or nosiness. I was usually forced to host by my mother . Towards the later years a few times I told my siblings to take my parents out instead and I would go away or just stay home for respite , which would anger my mother .
Spending time with the majority of my siblings and their spouses has not been enjoyable most of my adult life due to my narc mother pitting one against the other .
Over the years, I have also seen two of my siblings change significantly during their married lives . They are rude , selfish people ( like their spouses) and 1 sibling in particular lacks empathy to an extreme. Neither of them were like this when we were kids together . Although one of the other 5 of us was always like that .
After both my parents passed, the uncomfortable gatherings stopped, which I was relieved about.
I thoroughly enjoy getting together with my own nuclear family , my grown children and their partners . I do also include one (divorced sister) and her only (divorced, no kids ) son as they are pleasant , not like the others.
I can’t say that I would want to have gatherings with my nasty siblings now .They are rude and competitive and critical .
But I do miss having a more extended family of NICE individuals to get together with. During the caregiving time, I was involved with putting out the fires , I didn’t miss or think about having enjoyable larger get togethers.
Now that DH and I are dealing with his father with dementia , I wonder if that is bringing up these thoughts that I am having about my own family .
DH family is very spread out , never got together much especially after DH and his cousins grew up and spread out even further around the country . My in laws divorced a few years after DH and I married and FIL totally immersed himself in his second wife’s adult children for the last 30 years . He payed very little attention to his own family .
I feel bad for my DH when he comes home from visiting his Dad in AL . We moved his Dad to AL close to us last year . DH often looks sad when he comes back from visiting his Dad and says they rarely have anything to talk about .
Has anyone else experienced missing a type of family that they HAD or NEVER HAD ? How has caregiving caused or influenced these thoughts and feelings ?
"If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't have learned
how to spell narcissistic."
"Wake up
eat
get insulted by parents
sleep."
"Not having my feelings manipulated is such a weird feeling."
Excellent article. I agree with the writer completely.
There are people who will hold onto a grudge forever. They usually aren’t willing to participate in therapy. Therefore; they don’t process their emotions in a healthy way. They end up going to their graves still being angry. How sad.
It makes no sense to me whatsoever to be this way, rather than to forgive and move forward in their lives.
I would find it exhausting to hold onto long term resentment and bitterness.
They make themselves miserable by not being willing to let go of the past. They unknowingly chase others away and then feel abandoned by them.
The only exception for not letting go of the past would be if someone experienced extreme abuse. In these cases, hopes for healing the relationship isn’t usually possible.
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2023/finding-forgiveness-after-caregiving-ends.html?cmp=SNO-ICM-FB-CG&socialid=9432409826
"People will usually
hurt you in an attempt to heal themselves."
“You will never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.”
Golden I keep trying the deep breathing and meditation. Sometimes it work sometimes I am too wound up.
A few weeks ago I started chlorella and flaxseed oil.
My pressure was extremely low from my norm and I thought I had found a "cure" lol.
I was also having dizzy moments off and on. I came home and checked on my home monitors and readings were close.
Saturday before work I get a certified letter in mail that my mother's has money in account about to be turned over to state and to return letter with her signature stating this her account before 4 02.
I plan to seek legal aid.. when I am off this week..
Also got ate for surgery in May. So with concerns around this and my mother naturally my pressure is back up, my cure was a fluke.
I am staying in prayer. I know so many worries are out of my control and I strive to stop being ms fix it and make everything right.
This forum helps me so much in processing and understanding and sharing.
Sharyn I hope results are fine. Be careful.
Ali there may be a corellation to pain and childhood trauma.
I had migraines.
Anyways sometimes my hip pain is excruciating. Even when I'm in bed. Sometimes I wonder if I can make it to the LA LA
Now I think about if I can make it to a destination before I start out. Which is why I agreed
for the surgery regardless of other issues.
Bounty you hit the nail on the head!
Rays of love healing and peace to us all.
Ps. My phone is underling this is new. It just keeps changing things I check apps and permission.
Also I was so happy that my payment agreement with taxes is okay.
Love to all
“Not one scar on my heart came from an enemy. They all came from people who 'love' me.”
Stretching and heat therapy help when I get inflammation and nerve pain. Wishing you healing and relief, Sharyn, Duck, and Gershun.
Golden, I haven't heard from caregiver B again. I will reach out to her soon and offer to come her way for a meeting. She has six children between herself and her hubs. I know she's busy!
Send, if I could post on your profile, I'd say, "it's a full moon." :) This one is going better for me than the last two of 2023. Watching my kitty Lilah suffer in January and then coming across the videos from GM's caregiving days in February was so sad for me.
Onward and upward. Always. 💛
sharyn - hope your polyp test is negative.. Sorry to hear about your mobility problems and glad you didn't hurt yourself falling. Presumably the PT will eventually sort these out. So good that hub has come on board with kitty duties. They need their food and clean litter
bundle - A narcissist will chew you up and spit you out. Then if they step in it, it's your fault.
March is better temperatures but can be windy and raw. So glad to see the end of this winter, though it hasn't been a bad one, still bad enough!
Prayers for everyone. We all have challenges. One day at a time!!!
That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it."
Friday I had a colonoscopy, one small polyp was found. Waiting for pathology results which I expect to be good.
Last Tuesday I had PT. I think I over stretched my left leg. On Wednesday , I woke up with severe pain down my left leg, the side of my left leg. It is slowly getting better. This pain if different than the pain in my right leg from thigh muscles. I am blessed as my husband is feeding my kitties for me as I can’t stand very long. It’s kind of funny because my therapy is for my right leg.
When leaving after the colonoscopy, a nurse escorted us out holding on to my left side. Our car was parked in front of the building at a sidewalk. We got to where our car was parked, my husband went around the car on the side I would sit on and I stepped off the curb leading with my left leg. My left leg buckled under me, my hubs was trying to pull me up. I told him to let me fall as I was not far from the curb and I’d land on my butt. The nurse agreed with me and I landed on my butt, 😂🤣😂. After resting for 30-40:seconds, I had my hubs pull me up and I was able to stand and get in the car.
My hubs has been great, he has stepped up feeding my cats and dealing with the litter boxes. I have PT on Tuesday so I should find out more regarding what has caused the left leg pain.
sending Blessings to everyone, take care of you.
Lots of times I feel the pain down my leg but I have seen my xray changes in space between femoral and socket.
I will see Othopedicsin a few days.
Ups and downs all around for me. Been having moments. My client's mother started work again.
Change is stress for me I did ok before and this time theater nurse had gone on vacation and I was asked to fill in 8hrs out of the 4 days. More would be overtime.
Longoing story short I changed days to accommodate her work schedule. She had plumbing problem with kitchen sink water go to bathroom going into 2 wks first water in sink was gray. I say she needs to keep a bowl in both sinks to dump water. She had black trash bag in k sink and one covering bathroom. So when this new job comes up she called me the last sat I come in Sunday and the water isnow putrid she says that she and client were sick I'm like oh no! So the child has no fever but the water in sink is now brown. I call her at work and really got on her about the toxicity and she needed to get on housing. So Friday she takes child to hospital she was admitted. She is okay not pneumonia she says cultures are not back.
So I'm attached to the child then I am our of work now she maybe home Monday or not..
The kitchen is fixed I was on her about it from day 1.
So then my phone is crazy I missed call for my ride to visit my mother so I had to cancel trip because I had doctor appointment to renew my meds. So I cried over that , then she calls about hospital the next morning as I am preparing to go to work. So I'm upset about my client she has trach and possible infection to the trach stoma. With chronic lungdisease then later my job no work no pay. I may have 8hrs of sick time.
So now my MOA with stress. My stomach started hurting I stop eating then I get sick. Thank goodness it's resolved.
Before then I want to post how smooth things were. When it rains it pours
Rays of love peace and healing to us all.
ali - hope your renewed friendship is working well
Glad to hear that everyone is doing their exercises, relieving their pain, and getting their function back.
I really believe that PTs know their job and are better than MDs in some ways. Mother was a PT and we grew up knowing that exercise was important to our health. Interesting that my dd now is studying to be a personal trainer. She is sold on seniors maintaining their strength. She is back weight lifting again, building her strength post cancer treatment. I shocked her and got a big hug when I showed her my deep squat. She says I am her poster child. 😊
Everyone - squats are one of the best overall exercises - they build your quads, glutes, core muscles and more. The squat is frequently referred to as the king of all exercises. I really encourage everyone to start doing them - even a few a day. Gradually you will be able to go down lower, and hold the squat for a while. To start, hang onto the furniture to keep your balance while you squat and only go down as far as you can comfortably. Eventually you won't need anything to hang on to.. Squats do burn calories but research shows that in general exercise does not help much with weight loss, but it does help with weight maintenance.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5556592/
https://www.vox.com/2018/1/3/16845438/exercise-weight-loss-myth-burn-calories
Cutting calories is the way to go for weight loss. Of course exercise is good whether it causes weight loss or not.
It's also very important to build your core muscles and keep good balance. All this will pay off as you age. Personally I am more concerned with quality of life as opposed to quantity, but it looks like I have quantity in my genes so best to work on quality. Eating an anti-inflammatory diet helps with that too.
All part of taking care of oneself along with coffee, chocolate and flowers!!! ☕🍫💐
I think I'd be so worse off if it were not for the physio. In fact I'm listening more to my physiotherapist than to the orthopedic doc. She told me on Tuesday that I have an unstable ankle. When I told my physio guy that he made a face and said "I hate that term unstable" He thinks that just puts a negative picture in my mind and impedes my progress cause I feel more nervous now about putting weight on ankle.
It's been a process that's for sure. I hurt my foot in November and still am not walking normally. But I'm persevering. Hoping to be walking right by Spring/Summer.
on Friday we went to Walmart so I could buy the prep for a colonoscopy on March 3. I had to walk across the store to the other side to get Gatorade. Yes I was hurting but not as bad as I hurt in December. I paid for everything and sat in a chair waiting for husband to paid for what he got. It was maybe 5-7 minutes. When I got up to walk to our car, I was pain free again. I am getting better. I still cant do matching in place but I’m hoping by the end of April I can walk better and longer for an overnight trip my daughter and grandsons have reservations for.