The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sciatic back pain manifesting as hip pain is exceptionally common. My Mom had it and my daughter has it. I do have the bad lower back, and occ can give me groin pain, but mostly sticks to back, and down the leg to the heal nerve pain. Off and on. Old nurses back. But over and over I hear about people who think they have a bad hip and it turns out it is a bad back.
I sure do trust PT folks who are often more knowledgeable about how the body works and better diagnositicians than even specialist MDs.

Glad, I have pain that is from my lower back and
through the middle of my right buttock. It presents as sciatic nerve because the piriformis presses on the sciatic nerve. I have trouble straightening my right leg out because the thigh muscle tightens up.

the stretching I do is on the floor or a table….I bend my knees and lower my tight knee to the side for a count of ten and ten reps. The same on tge left side. Then with both knees bent, my feet stacked on top of each other, I lower both legs to the right for 10 and 10 reps and repeat on the left side. You will feel a big stretch through your thigh and knee and buttock. The most painful stretch is I get as close to the right side of the table and lower my right leg down. It stretches through my right hip, thigh and knee. Again it’s 10 and 10 and repeat on the left. There are more if you are interested in them pm me.

i. Getting better, however my muscles have been tight for a long time, I have to retrain them to let go and relax. It’s not a one or two week cure.

Sharyn, how did they diagnose piriformis? I am.having hip trouble too. I have not gone to the doc. What exercises do you do in PT?

I am participating in a exercise online group called Mighty Health. I had been walking 4 miles a day that turned out to be too much for my hip. I backed down to three miles and seems to not be irritating, anyway.

What is cDNA?

Ali, I’m so proud of how far you have come and accomplished. Keep pursuing your goals. You are seeing so much and have a perspective you did not have in the past. Sending much love and support to you.

DDuck, I have to say I read your posts and I see a woman who is feeling so much freer and having life that you have deserved all along. You are growing and stretching your mind to new perspectives and this awesome!

I have started PT for my right leg and hip. I have piriformis muscle issues which compress the sciatic nerve and major muscle tightness around my right hip. After one week of pt I have improved even though I still have pain. I cDNA stretch better and I can now feel when my muscles are tight which I could Nora week ago. Small steps and steady progress.


sending lots of hope and strength to everyone.

((((HUGS))) Ali!
We can't erase our memories. I admire your strength and ability to retain the goodness in your heart.
That criminal agency situation is real.

I sensed this deep in my heart about my mother's guardian ship. No bills have been paid since September. She has been on Medicaid which pays for her care. I have reached out to lawyer. I don't have a clue to what is right but I feel a lot is wrong.
Stress triggers depression and revives old ugly memories and negative self talk for me. I have always been absent minded as a child. Now I misplace things easily and be nearly in tears by the time I find what ever I misplaced in an obvious place.

I have made agreement with con Ed for the electricity. The bill goes to the Guardianship.
I feel some of these agencies have underlying purpose to take advantage of elderly and disadvantaged people.

So I am feeling a tad better.
In my earlier post I meant to say that this was not the whine forum but thanks for letting me whine.

The ability to vent especially here is like sacred medicine.
I have so much love in my heart for the members of this forum.

Ali it's never too late! I believe there are no coincidences. He is still single?!
Oh the other error among many typis on my last post was an attempt to acknowledge Gersun for twisted the sister thing lol

I am not good with the names but I sure remember the love and wisdom support even hard love and understanding.

I have to write a book to express a feeling.
I also noticed how my bad moments interfere with my sleep. Last night I woke up every one or two hou=s finally around 4am I slept to close to 9am. Now I feel okay and I am going keep the smiles in my day
The smiles are returned and are like happy sparks.
My contact is in my outside chores then I come home alone except for a need home repair or meeting out for dinner.
So I am glad I am naturally friendly because sometimes when I am down I go out and someone will make me laugh or feel good just from smiling.
I play numbers at liquor store and sometimes there is a long line for numbers especially with a big jackpot and no one selling liquor one day this woman was raising hell waiting to buy liquor but the lotto line was long before
We never know how broken or hurt someone is.
I know ther are moments that I can't stop the sadness sometimes even then a smile keeps me strong.
I just almost started rambling.
Rays of love and healing to us all.

Ali - that's awesome. I am so glad that you are pursuing your education in this field. Also I am glad that you are more at peace with your past with grandma. As you say, most of it is written out now, which in itself is helpful. I certainly believe that caregivers can use behaviour skills training. The field of gerontology is growing as is the percentage of the population that are seniors. There may be more opportunities to work with seniors by the time you need them.

ETA - Just saw your most recent post. I am so glad you have hooked up with B again and and she is interested in documenting what happened. It should be good for both of you. Friends are precious. Old friends maybe more so.

I finally have gotten into reading The Great Age Reboot. The website looks too commercial for me, but I find the book is interesting.

More warm weather. Minus single digits (C) and even a few days above freezing, This is amazing for February!

Thanks, NHWM.

CW, it's really needed, I agree.

I just got off the phone with GM's good caregiver, B. She called me and immediately said something like, "I am so glad you reached out. I always think about you, your GM, and that situation." She reminded me that she was fired from Always Best Care for attending my GM's funeral and said she intentionally never worked with the other ABC franchises again because she remembers things about the local rep, Rockhill's bro, that were red flags for her. They were all about getting money any way they could.

She is every bit as passionate as I am about putting it all down in a blog or documentary of some kind. She remembers other dirty things the agency and trust did. She wants this to happen and wants to participate.

We're going to meet up and chat. She wants to see the videos of GM.

B said something about the universe wanting this to happen, as just a couple of weeks ago, she went by the old house to see if I was still there. This deeply impacted her, too, because it was so wrong what was done in GM's situation.

If nothing else, I have reconnected with an old friend and someone who was there. That's really wonderful. And I've always wanted to thank her by giving her something/money.

Congratulations, Ali! You’ve worked hard!

cw,

Totally agree!

Ali - I've often thought that someone could make a good living just going from facility to facility offering workshops teaching staff and other interested parties how to deal with behavioural problems, goodness knows many people working in the industry seem to be clueless.

I just completed my master's of science in applied behavior analysis application and sent it off. Since everything is online, including my classes, I can start as soon as March 1.

As I worked around my apartment yesterday, I felt close to my GM and knew she wouldn't want me to do anything that hurt her family, including reminding them of what putzes they were during the caregiving years. She knew what long-suffering and overcoming were like, and I'm sure she understood much better than I do.

The thought came to me over the past day that caregivers could use behavior skills training, and training other health pros is a sizable part of what behavior analysts do - if my studies are anything to go by... since I still haven't worked a day in the field. lol The MS includes a practicum, though. It's more than understandable that the caregiving job can be frustrating and thankless. CGs need tools, and I've wanted to find an ABA avenue to work with the elderly. Who knows. I'll revisit the local uni gerontology department. I went to see them seven years ago or so, and they're one of a few in the state that offers this kind of education, including certifications. It's unlikely I'll find a way to do my practicum with an elderly population, but I can at least look around.

I'm not making too much of my thoughts or feelings right now. But it's good to have ideas, dreams, goals, and things to look forward to.

I've printed my comments over the past few days to keep in a personal file. I don't know if I ever need to revisit this situation with GM again, but if I do, I already put most of it here. Thanks for riding along with me as I took this interesting and bumpy detour. :)

@Ali

I never said you were the reason your grandmother suffered. What I said is that your grandmother is the one who suffered.
I don't doubt you loved your grandmother.
Decent and adequate care is in my opinion a human right. You were not wrong to expect it. I think you may have been wrong in your approach to her caregivers and your expectations of them. This is very common with families.
I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell a client family that I am not a servant for the whole family and I cannot perform miracles.
You'd be surprised how many families expect both though. Cwillie on the thread is right. Hindsight is 20/20. Many things could have been handled differently concerning your grandmother's care. If you were able to give her some happiness in the final part of her life then that's what mattered and that is what you should call to mind when thinking about her.
Please don't think that I don't believe what your saying. I do because I know firsthand how sleazy and underhanded the homecare business can be. Which is why I work extra hard to make sure everything with me is above board.
I also know after 25 years of client care how demanding, demeaning, and demoralizing a client or their families can be to a caregiver. I'm not a person who tolerates knit-picking on any level or from anyone.
I've always told clients and their families plainly to take care how they treat me and not to get too demanding or knit-pick because if Ieave them I will never return for any reason. There have been more than a few over the years begging me to come back when they saw what passes for an agency caregiver.
I made one exception to that rule in 25 years and returned to work for a client that I'd quit and my reasons are my own.

One thing that I was always pleased with was home health and hospice. They did an excellent job.

Ali,

It’s difficult to be an advocate for our loved ones. You did your best. I was close to my grandmother. She was fortunate to be in good health for the majority of her life.

You had a lot to deal with, like I did with my parents. It’s never easy. We do the best that we can.

ITRR,

You were a wonderful advocate for your father. I did the same for my parents.

Some facilities are good and others aren’t up to par.

The SNF that my dad was in for rehab after his stroke was shut down too, like your father’s board and care home. Things change because of people like you and I that speak up.

I did the same thing for my mom when she was in rehab. Her SNF overall was good.

There was only one incident that I had to address but it was important. I certainly didn’t knit pick over small things.

An LPN double dosed my mom with her Parkinson’s medication. Mom told her that she didn’t take that amount. She told mom to take it so she wouldn’t have to make a second trip back. I was furious that this happened.

Of course, the first thing I did was to call the Pharmacist to see if mom could be affected by a double dose. She said not if it was only one time but had it continued to happen then it would affect her.

The pharmacist also told me to report the LPN to the head nurse at the nursing home because the LPN was most likely doing this to other patients. So I reported her to the DON and it was handled properly.

The LPN did admit that she had done this. I realize that they are shorthanded but that isn’t an excuse for over medicating a resident.

ali - you have nothing to feel guilty about! I remember much of what you write now from the years you have been here on AC. You shared your struggles with us. You worked very hard on your dad's behalf, despite the difficult relationship you had with him. I know less about you and your grandma but a person (caregiver) doesn't change. I am totally confident that you worked very hard on her behalf too. (((((((hugs))))))

WOW, Burnt! You are on a tear this afternoon.

Hindsight is 20/20 is more than just a cliche, can any of us can look back without seeing the mistakes we made, or where someone was obviously pulling the wool over our eyes, or when things could have been different if only we had said or done something sooner... or perhaps not done something at all? The thing is we can only act on the information we have available to us at the time and within the reality of the person we were then, shoulda coulda woulda thoughts are just lies we tell to ourselves to our own detriment.

Welp, Burnt. It happened. I suspected GM had UTI, which was confirmed about two weeks later when she went for treatment for something else. The office manager scoffed when CG B said I wanted her taken for testing. I was "being dramatic." Those are the words she used. And since I wasn't the guardian, I had no say.

Later that manager would steal all the funds in the agency account. To say the agency had poor judgment in hiring is an understatement.

My GM loved my being there. I would sit down to talk with her daily. We had back-and-forth conversations, and I learned a lot about her childhood. I had her dancing in the living room one day, something no one else thought was even possible. She was all smiles and happier than she had been in decades after being neglected and wasting away in that house.

I wasn't the reason she suffered. I brought her joy and worked to do what I knew she would have wanted for her house and son. I gave her and my dad dignity, which was lacking. The local police/CG agencies called her home the Looney Home, a play on words of her last name. She would never have wanted that. She was a good woman who led the local Seniors club, was active in her church, and volunteered in local charities/hospitals. She didn't deserve the disdain from others, and it was classless for local agencies to perceive her and my dad like that.

Others caused her suffering, not me. But I was naive and, I guess, too demanding. Is it too demanding to insist on good care? You said this was what the family should do in another comment. Did I misunderstand?

Everyone around the situation was happy to see the cleanup. The trust officer, cousins/family said it should have been done years ago. The trust officer smiled when he saw the house and said he couldn't believe what I had done with it. Among other things, I had taken up moldy basement carpet from the '60s. That was likely the start of my mold illness.

The house was nasty and cluttered, with random stuff from bottom to top everywhere, and within a couple of months, I had it clean and decently organized. I WORKED. So hard. Multiple neighbors thanked me for fixing the neglected yard/trees. GM wouldn't want to have the by-far worst house around; I did it for her.

The agency owner was the one who started the suspicions about my taking the house and used it to manipulate Dv. And to be fair, no one understood why I would I do all this if I didn't intend to benefit from it.

The plan was to clean up the house, set things in order with GM's care, and leave. When I saw how bad things could get when the trust filed to evict my dad - against APS recommendations, as they were fully satisfied he was not abusive and no threat - I felt I had to stay a little longer and protect him. He was a vulnerable elder, too. My GM was 103 when she died; my dad was in his late 70s, and everyone knew he was special needs. I'll never understand why they didn't work to accommodate those needs and instead wanted him out. To go where? He had lived in that house for decades; it was his home. GM wanted him there and was clear about that in her trust.

If I could go back to 2012, I would leave after my GM died and let the trust sort out my dad's needs. He was no longer in danger of being evicted and was now the beneficiary. The CGs were out of the house, so there were no issues there.

But he had bad skin cancer on his face. The docs wouldn't do Mohs, and I felt that was a much better procedure for him. I stayed to help get him Mohs and succeeded after a lot of advocating on his behalf. Then he couldn't urinate after being under anesthesia. Common enough, I later learned. And he had a scarred bladder for whatever reason. So I stayed to get him treatment for that. The urinary issues weren't resolved for years and several surgeries later. He got sepsis at some point due to a home nurse inserting the cath incorrectly and was hospitalized for two weeks. He was down to 110 lbs and needed a g-tube. He couldn't be relied on to use the catheter or tube properly.

A bad Toxic Mold infestation was found in 2013 after I kept saying something was wrong. My dad was having mini-strokes, and I was all-around so sick. We both got somewhat better after the mold was remediated. It was in the basement - he and I were the only ones who ever stayed in the basement, so I think that's why it didn't affect others as much. There is a link between mold and dementias, though. So who knows if it affected my GM's cognitive ability after living in that house for so long? But that exposure clouded my judgment. I trudged on day after day, taking it one day at a time during those years.

I was traumatized. By ALL of it. What I lost. What I endured. Everyone I had to fight to get proper care for both dad and GM. Losing my health. I look back at these videos and don't recognize who I was back then. She was strong and had never known the kind of chaos and pain I was about to experience for the next six years.

I didn't need to write all this, but I want to right now to get it out. There it is: The nightmare of my caregiving years. How could I not be traumatized? It is the pivotal experience of my life. Everything in my life is Before and After I went there to that house to try to help.

Eventually, I got my dad stable - no cath, no tube, and a good weight - and got him into a HUD IL closer to other family and walked away broke, broken, and homeless. Today I have my place, a new degree, and try to only look forward.

@golden,

I respect you and I'm not looking to argue either. Too many times have I seen a scenario exactly like Ali's. What it usually ends up being is that someone feels guilty about what they didn't do for their LO so they spoon the blame around on everyone else.
I'm not saying Ali did not have a hard time. Her grandmother had a harder time though.
I'm sorry but I really don't believe that the criminal office manager prevented the grandmother from getting medical attention even though her granddaughter (Ali) lived in the house AND was demanding it.

Burnt, it did upset my GM a lot. She would get very agitated. It was confusing to her that a woman named P***y called her "mom" because GM's daughter's name was P***y. When P***y left, GM would cry and ask why. The other CG felt P was unprofessional in this and other things. It wasn't just me.

I acknowledged in my comments that I should have worked it out with P. I was green and thought that CGs should always be professional. Trust me; my bar was lowered much, much further for CGs in the next couple of months.

It'd be more accurate to say that I have a lot of regrets rather than guilt. I gave everything to that situation to get good care for her. I was never cross with anyone. I handled it calmly when P screamed at me but called the agency. I didn't think it was appropriate.

I'm most definitely traumatized by the situation. I was then, and I was again revisiting it. Idk what else to say about that. That's the most off-base projection. I have deeply mourned the caregiving years, for years. I'm done with that now, but seeing my GM and me so happy together in old videos broke my heart again.

I wasn't living in her house. I slept on a couch in the dirty basement and fixed up the rooms for GM, dad, and the CGs. The CGs - all of them - were grateful for the cleanup work. I made their overnight room so nice. I got them a proper working washer and other things to make their jobs easier. I had a rental car and a suitcase, and I worked tirelessly, endlessly to clean the filthy, hoarded house up. Many days I lined the front walkway with bags and boxes for trash pickup. That was my job.

The CGs cared for GM, though I stepped in a lot to help by getting the foods she liked and ointments for her rashes, etc. I bought nail tools to help with grooming. I cut her hair.

But your response was typical, I think. No one could understand, I guess, why I would come there and stay and work so much if I didn't intend to live there. I think the rumor was I was trying to get the house or something. I couldn't have done that even if I tried, as it was in the trust for my dad's benefit. My bf was a very wealthy man, and I had no money concerns at that time in my life. I certainly didn't want to trade a fancy condo above the LA marina for a run-down house in a Midwest suburb.

Yeah, you're off base. But I'm not upset. You don't get it, but that was the common feeling of those around me. Suspicious. Blaming. For what? For doing the work everyone knew needed to be done in the house, but no one else wanted to do? For insisting that my dad was considered as part of the package with GM's care needs, as she clearly wanted? My family knew this about my GM and dad. She protected him and provided for his care until he died in her trust. The agency wanted him out. I felt I couldn't let that happen and worked with APS to prevent it. If APS was satisfied with my efforts, why aren't you? You have no clue, dear.

My cousin Dv (GM's grandchild) got pro se guardianship after Db died in Feb 2011. My dad suggested him, and I was unaware he had taken over until later. I asked my dad why he didn't recommend one of his children. He's not all there in his head. I was the one he called when he started having problems, though. I called Dv, and we talked about the situation. He knew I was going and was more than agreeable about that.

I was fine with Dv being the guardian because we were on good terms. I didn't mind going to do the grunt work, and he would remain guardian when I returned to California. He lived in the neighboring state; I lived on the west coast.

You're misunderstanding, but that's ok. I appreciate your thoughts over the past two days.

Whoa, burnt. I think that is a bit harsh. You weren't there. Neither was I am not going to argue with you or anyone about it, just saying...

@Ali

If your grandmother didn't mind 'P' the caregiver calling her mom you certainly shouldn't have had a problem with it.
If you were living in your grandmother's house why did she need round-the-clock caregivers covering 24 hours? Or why did your cousin living in another state have the POA if you were right in the same house? Is your cousin the son or daughter?
Bottom line. You decided to knit-pick about a caregiver who worked well with their client, your grandmother. Even though she apologized for being short-tempered with you it wasn't enough. You escalated it further by calling her agency and getting her fired.
It backfired and bit you in the a$$. Only the one who suffered for it wasn't you, it was your grandmother.
You are not traumatized or have PTSD, You feel guilty about what happened to your grandmother and are looking for scapegoats to blame for all of it. There's plenty of blame to go around and some of it belongs to you. Take your share and own it. Then you can come to terms and get past it.
I believe everything you said about the care agency and their workers. It can be a shady business. An honest care agency is the exception rather than the rule for sure.
You could have done more to help your grandmother and didn't. You lived in her house.

I've been in absolute shock at rediscovering these details, seeing myself and GM together in that time, and at how much it grabbed me in the present. I've felt very peaceful for the second half of today. It's only up from here. I didn't mean to spread my grief and anger. Thanks for the space to get that out. 💗🙏

I think I can objectively say that I'm not ruminating too much on the situation since I haven't brought up my GM's dysfunctional death circumstances a single time in the decade I've been on AC. (I didn't bring it up like *this.* I've alluded to it vaguely before.)

Not defensive, and just processing. Tomorrow's a new day.

Ali,
You can sleep good tonight.
You shared, and will get no judgment here.
Sorry that was so awful for you.

My DH and I say “A problem shared is a problem doubled”. OK to do it for a specific purpose. Counterproductive just to mull over it.

In my experience sometimes opening old wounds helps to clean them out and heal better. I agree that "A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved." Be kind to yourself now - this has taken some energy to go through. Give yourself time to regroup. I am so sorry that you went through such a traumatic time with your grandma and the agency, and the trust, and with your dad. I know he wasn't easy to deal with. Thank goodness those days are over!!!. Breathe deep! ((((((hugs)))))

Whew-kay, my freak-out is over. Arguably, I'd be much better off if I hadn't found the old cache of early caregiving stuff. On the other hand, it gives me a chance to open an old wound and heal it better than before. Maybe?

I will take time and process my feelings before I act on them. I love you guys just for being here. I don't know where I could go if I couldn't vent this heartache to other caregivers. I didn't want to keep it all in; barf it up and get it over with. "A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved." This hit hard. "Triggered" is definitely the right word.

APS involvement: APS (as the local Catholic Charities arm) was already involved when I got there because my grandmother was taken on a long road trip by a cousin from Illinois to Texas in Feb 2011 and returned with a bruise on her face, probably from resting her head against the seat belt for hours. A CG who actively didn't get along with my dad (I'd spoken to her via phone before I went, and she was hostile about him) had called APS about the bruise, alleging abuse. So my dad was investigated for physical abuse. This was also a big reason I went to check on them.

The APS worker, C, was already doing regular home visits, and I met her soon after I arrived. Over several visits, we talked about the situation. Per her advice, I set my dad up in a suite I made for him in the basement off the main floor. This fixed any issues with bad CGs alleging that my dad was interfering with GM's care. C took my dad to a doctor's appt at the VA, an hour away, and whatever was said during that trip satisfied her that he was not abusing GM.

I knew dad would never hit GM. He's just hard to get along with at times, doesn't understand how a thermostat works [so he set it too high/low, which caused the hostile CG to call the police on him], and often said caregiving fees were too high. To him, $5k a month was a crazy amount of money. On top of that, the CGs were sometimes abrasive and lazy, and he knew previous ones had stolen things. He resented some of them for being in his home but got along very well with others. There was a long-term one, S, that he got along well with in the years before this situation blew up. She had moved on at some point around the same time as GM came home with a bruise.

The APS worker, C, came to agree that my dad wasn't physically or financially abusive. She and GM's primary doc advised the agency not to remove my GM from her home when we found out they were planning to do this, but the agency removed her against that advice. That's when APS went from a passive investigation about possible abuse and keeping an eye on the situation to working with me against the agency.

But the agency didn't act alone, which prevented me from holding them legally accountable. The trust went along with whatever they said, but it was Dv/guardian who made it all possible. APS and PC doc gave written recommendations to help me obtain guardianship. GM died before I could get it.

I physically/mentally crashed in the six months after that due to different things, and the guilt, grief, and anger over my GM's death added to it.

Finding all of this again in vivid detail is a recipe for emotional chaos. It's a nice winter day, sunny and 43F here. I'm going for a walk in the big park nearby to shift gears. I wish I had never gotten involved because it cost me so much and deeply hurt me, yet I am thankful I got that time with GM before she died. I know I made a big difference in her happiness in those last months; she was my lovebug, my treasure, and we had a special, sweet connection.

Ali, great to hear you are doing great in the present. That is important.

I want to say something that I have believed for most of my life and has come front and center because of the situation with my mom. People accuse others when no proof exists because they are projecting who and what they are and what they would/have done in similar shoes.

If I am being accused of something I don't have in my heart, I call the accuser out. It's like the cheating spouse, they turn on the faithful one so nobody is questioning their crap and the faithful spouse is usually so busy trying to dispel the lie that they don't see the obvious. People use it because it works.

Great big warm hug!

The one thing left to do in this situation is to put all of this online in a blog. It isn't something I'm going to jump into, and I'll get legal advice first, but I feel I must. My video editor roomie says he'll help. lol Idk, guys.. it seems the stars aligned for me to find this content in the right space/time.

I agree with ITRR that evil flourishes because we don't push against it. I don't want the drama, but it found me, and... what do I do now? Can I turn this bad situation into something good in the present?

I'd do it because this isn't an isolated incident, and it'd be worth it if it helped one person out there. And I think it could be cathartic for me. And it would hold Rockhill in some way accountable for what she did to my GM and family. She sowed the distrust that would take years to undo and led me to become a long-standing DYS poster on AC. lol

The dysfunction in my family is much improved since I no longer have to check in with my family for anything related to my dad or the house due to suspicions aroused by Rockhill. Of course, dysfunction was already present in my family, but it worsened considerably due to GM's situation.

The dysfunction with the trust is someone else's problem now. My GM would have never wanted the trust to act as it has, and I feel the situation warrants caution about what can happen once someone becomes incompetent.

Who knows if anyone will ever read/watch it? It'd be for my family and me, mostly.

All of it was avoidable.

I'm no longer drowning in resentment/grief from knowing I tried so hard and lost so much, and all I had around me were suspicious eyes. I still don't get that part of it. I believe my bro, mom, and cousin sometimes feel as if they acted wrongly. That's enough for me to forgive them.

About the potential impact of public posting: I don't believe an unrelated personal blog would jeopardize my future licensing. I will be more careful than I've been here, though. Thank you for your thoughts and concern.

I will sit with these feelings for a while. I'll be ok. I'm too busy being happy in the present to dwell too much on it.