The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

duck ((((hugs))) and deep breaths and a definite "Yes" to counselling and health care. I know the alone feeling.

humming ((((hugs)))) to you too. It will be a relief to place your mum but I don't envy you the job of clearing out after her. Our dysfunctional upbringing follows us, doesn't it? Go for a good life for you - absolutely! I am finally rid of the toxics from my family of origin. Took a long time, You have to overlook the judgement from those who don't know, Eventually mother burned all her bridges too. Blessings back at you

Nancy - yes it was first posted years ago in recognition there were a number of us who had dysfunctional families to deal with and that a specific thread would give us a place to vent etc. Glad you feel free and will no more be made physically and emotional ill by the toxic person in your life.

gershun - yeah, for sure, definitely - stay away from toxic people.

ali - been wondering how you re doing. Honestly you did a stellar job caring for your grandmother and father, under some very difficult conditions. I am glad you feel validated. I haven't kept much stuff - emails or anything except tax info which I need to keep for a while yet. Didn't want it!!!

Good you got a partial refund from the vet.

I'm sorry to hear your dad is not doing so well, but I guess it is to be expected at his age and with his health history. Also I am so glad that your mother is admitting what she did and that you are letting go of where your father will live once his HUD has closed. You are offering the help that you can. Yes, your bro is a jerk.

Good luck with your appointments. Hope you find that all is well or can easy be fixed. Sounds like life is looking up for you!

glad - some people are never satisfied! grrr!

It was cold here for a week and minus 31C (-24F) now but it is forecast to warm up again. I can handle minus single digits Celsius in February very well. I am finding that extra CoQ10 helps me to sleep better, feel warmer, and generally feel better. From my reading those with CFS/FM have low CoQ10, as well as older people and probably those with low thyroid issues so I guess it is not surprising that taking some helps me. There are no reported side effects at quite a range of doses so it seems safe. I am down a dress size to an M but want to lose another 10 lbs. Wish me well. My caloric needs have decreased as I have gotten older, but my appetite remains the same - too large for my needs, so it is a struggle and always has been. 🙄 I will have to find a way to compensate for not having stairs once I am in the condo. Will probably have to build walking the concrete "EXIT" stairs into my days as much as I can. Apparently people walk in the underground parkade which stretches between the two buildings so it should be a decent walk. We are advised to drive carefully b/c of the walkers.

I have a quandary with my dd. She has offered to eventually look after my finances and health care. That's very nice of her, but...I have just recently helped get them out of a financial mess as she didn't spot something in their finances and was an emotional mess over it for a while. Her cancer treatment has given her chemo brain. She was a CA (chartered accountant) but wasn't firing on all cylinders. We found the problem and all is well now but without my intervention she would have taken out a second mortgage on their house. As well she thinks I have depression and won't accept that my symptoms are CFS/FM. Sigh! It is a common misdiagnosis and I am not sure why she hangs onto it. Well, I do have some ideas. I have told her that my therapist says I am not depressed but that doesn't change her position. I certainly can't have anyone looking after my health care with that attitude. So I have to rule her out and gently tell her that some time. That leaves my middle son who sometimes doesn't respond to my phone messages. We will see! I did a longevity test the other day which said I would live to100. Meh!

Take care all!

Glad -- it's beyond infuriating, isn't it.

...

My mom just told me that my dad's HUD is closing in one year. He's not doing well. I won't speculate (and try not to care too much) about what happens from here. If he's still alive in a year and my mom wants to take him into her home, I can't stop her. She knows I don't think it's a good idea. I told her I'd help her look for another place and get him applied. She doesn't want me to do that.

She found this one picture in the folder and described it to me. I knew exactly what it was. On my 15th birthday, my mom and I had gotten into it, and she was hitting me. My older bro ran to get a camera and took a Polaroid of my crying face, with my mom's back to the camera, and wrote on it gleefully, "Ali's ugly face." He can be a jerk and gets pleasure from being cruel to me.

My mom said something like, "I don't know where I was and why I wasn't there for you."

It's really good to have turned this corner with my mom. My mom will never be a completely safe person for me. I will always have to have some guard/boundaries. But it means so much that she seems to be "getting it" lately and continues with her apologies.

Today has been a lot. It's all ultimately good stuff. Validation in spades, as Golden once said.

Ali, you did great under very difficult circumstances. Strange, I too, was going through some old emails today. One from 2015 really pissed me off. The year that mom went into a facility. It was from the geriatric care manager, basically telling me off, get on with my life, stop worrying about mom. I couldn't do anything anymore. Leave it alone! I couldn't find out about her meds, how she was doing, etc, blah, blah, blah.... 😠😠😠😠

Then later she is upset with me because I didn't visit mom as she thought I should!

As I hit send on that last post, my mother called me to tell me she found all my childhood pictures in her house - which is good, since I wondered if they'd ever turn up given her hoard. Today is a good day. :)

Hi, Nancymc. This is an ongoing thread from 2012 - yes. Some of the current participants have been here since then, and many others have come and gone. Feel free to share about your dysfunctional caregiving experiences.

...

Hey friends! Well... last year was weird for me! I was in school, set on hitting that finish line of graduation, and then I did it! And then realized I'm having constant panic, I can't breathe at night, I have *intense* hot flashes... And finally, in December, I got relief from that, and went straight into Christmas. On New Year's, my sweet kitty was dying. I had a bad experience with the vet -- who just called me today and refunded more than half of my euthanasia fee, which validates that I was overcharged. (And thanks to my bad Yelp review.)

Then I worked as much as I could this month, knowing that I would have time off due to a minor procedure I had on the 25th. And while trying to stay productive, I'm tackling some things at home while I'm off.

Finally, I got around to going through old laptops and paperwork. There is still so much from my caregiving years. Part of me wants to throw it all in the trash and delete all the files, but part of me (for whatever reason) feels like I should keep some things. I need to know that I didn't imagine how bad it was. It was BAD. It was hell for years. I understand why I was so physically ill during and afterward. I found the house mold report from a professional environmental testing company. I didn't imagine that Stachybotrys measurement capping the chart limits... there it is in the report. I didn't imagine that my grandmother's initial caregiving agency was evil... I found they hired felons (not allowed under IL licensing), and put one of them as my grandmother's caregiver. Another felon was their office manager who ran off with all their money right after my grandmother died. What drama. I have everything I investigated and reported, and that ended with the agency being out of business six months after she died. I think I had a hand in that. *pats self on back* I have all the correspondence where I advocated endlessly for my dad's needs, the house needs, with his trust.

I don't know how I did it. It makes me feel sick just glancing over some of this stuff.

But I feel like I need something to remember that I didn't overdramatize it. It WAS that bad! For years!

Welp. That's all I wanted to share right now. :) I'm still working through the paperwork and files. Most of my dad's/family documents from the old house are at bros, but I had more than I realized still with me.

I fought everyone - including my own family - trying to do what I believed was right for my grandma and dad for so long. I fought the bad agency, the trust, my father in trying to get him healthy when he didn't want to comply with stuff, the doctors who didn't want to give him best-known procedures (Moh's, catheter stuff)... And when I handed it off, as sick and broken as I was in 2017, I still wrote down everything needed for my dad's care and made sure it was all communicated as best I could. And now he's been just fine in his HUD IL for five years, which other family said wasn't possible. I knew it was, and that it was for the best, for everyone.

I forgot how much I worked to get things to *this* point.

I wrote this post fast and I'm just going to post it without editing. I hope it doesn't ramble too much. Just wanted you guys to know I'm always thinking of my friends on AC and always grateful for the support over the years. This place really saved my butt when I needed it most.

I did a good job, all things considered. *pats self on back*

Ok, no time for too many tears. Onwards and upwards.

*I still need to see OBGYN and endocrinologist, to see if they can figure out if my thryoid/hormones are normal. Those appointments are coming up in the next couple of months. I'm doing well in the meantime.

"narcissist (noun):

a more polite term for a
self-serving, manipulative, evil, a********ole with no soul."

I don't get it either, G. After all, send is in Cali. Maybe there is so many dysfunctional toxics in Cali a few more won't matter
😏😏😉😉

Why do you say that Send? You mean earthquakes? Atmospheric rivers? Gun violence?

Yeah, that would make a dent in the problem anyways. ;)

Gershun,
To remove toxic people from our existence or eliminate them as much as possible, they could move to California.

I'm all for cancel culture when it comes to cancelling relations with toxic people. Somebody on here, (I forget who) mentioned how there would be less anxiety/depression if we removed toxic people from our existence. I guess it's impossible to avoid toxic people but eliminating them as much as possible goes a long way towards improving our lives.

I think it may have been my Christian upbringing that led me to thinking that I had to tolerate everybody. But I've since grown into the belief that God doesn't require us to be a victim of someone else's incapacity to be pleasant.

My tolerance is next to nothing now for emotional abuse whether the person doing the abusing is aware of what they are doing or not. I'm not an unforgiving person and I realize everyone has a bad day now and again. But if that bad day starts to flow into a bad week, month, year.............? Well, you get the picture.

Let's respect and love ourselves enough to protect ourselves from those who bring us down. Emotional pain turns into physical pain which presents itself in so many ways, back and neck pain, ulcers, you name it. It's not worth it.

Absolutely NO judgement from me. It sounds to me like you should’ve/or could have set a FIRM BOUNDARY long ago.
Im dealing with something similar. My mom. Also I have many major heath issues of my own. I’ve gotten physically ill and emotionally crazy way too often for years. I’m out ! I expect she’ll cry and act like a wounded little girl, but now I’m ready and willing to hear that, BUT I will NOT give in ! ! !
Later- Was this original question posted from 2012 ? ?

i have checked in here a few times now. thank you to you all for sharing your stories and jokes, encouragement and empathy. it is great to know we are not alone with our dysfunctional families!

My latest update with my mom is that I've reached the end of my ability to support. She is showing more signs of dementia but is an excellent masker. I see heightened anxiety, depression, paranoia, confusion, bursts of violent anger, heightened hoarding behaviours. Some similar patterns that my grandma had. She makes some odd choices that are definitely dementia related. The rate of change has now accelerated and I am guessing that she will need care by the end of the year.

Together we hired a personal assistant to be my proxy once a week. To do things with my mom that she wants me to do. I live 8 hours away. This gives me peace of mind. At this point if anything happens my mom is leaving a terrible mess to clean up. I think this is so selfish of her. She laments about not being a burden but cannot comprehend that the burden will be what she leaves behind. She always had a narcissistic personality so i work hard to not take it personally.

Honestly, she was a terrible parent - neglected me, left me with abusers regularly, overtly showed her dislike for me until i left home at 18. She came back into my life when my kid was born at 30 and helped pay for her braces, her uni dorm which was really helpful. I accept that help. Now she thinks I am out to trick her and no longer trusts me. She denies I am poa and will not show me the paperwork or call the lawyer to verify this. This paranoia happened with both of my siblings and it is my turn. There is no one left.

I'm done. I have an empty nest, my ex is no longer holding me back. I lived with abuse within my family of origin, I spent my 20's healing, my 30/40's raising my kid with an abusive baby-dad and it's my time to live. I have invested a lot of time into my healing, I know my goals and desires. I am a driven person. It is MY time.

Many will judge as they hear her story of how her family "failed" her. They will not hear of how much I time i invested in travelling to see her, checking in with regular phone calls, having her in my house for 3 months during covid, supported her recovery after knee replacement, that i arranged a very dignified and respectful personal assistant to work with her to get all the things done that she complains about. Judge away. They don't know me.

I feel obligated to make the best of my life. To show my kid and nieces that negative and abusive family patterns can break, that we all deserve to live our heart desires and best lives, that we can support each other with their best lives with compassion and excitement. That we do not deserve abuse. I know when my time comes I'll be moving into graduated care. I will choose an excellent place to live out my years - beach, ocean, gardens. My kid will be living their life and will visit me as a guest not a caregiver.

Dang nabbit. Time to do some more counselling on healing old wounds so I can complete this stage of healing and come to freedom. I am planning on leaving the country next year and finding my tropical home. She knows this but denies it. What I have been working on with her is in preparation for my absence. She has no one else - already alienated her other kids and grandkids - so this is her one shot at choosing before she gets thrown in with the group in social supports. That is her choice. It is hard to witness but it is also not surprising considering she relies on manipulation and guilt to get her way. No more.

Whew! This dysfunctional forum really helps to move these thoughts. Thank you if you got this far. I appreciate your witnessing.

Many blessings to you all. I hope everyone here can recognize their self worth and give themselves the love they deserve. We are all worthy of goodness. Ducky this means you too! Counselling is so helpful. Just keep trying until you find your match.

I am starting to get overwhelmed .... again.

At least I know it's happening.
One thing is how much it affects me that I have lost my old mother who treated me like trash. And seeing my programing feeling lonely and that negative self talk
How I have been the outcast, my anger and resentment. Those memories flaring up. I'm even dreaming about the issues.
So I have to get back on my mission for counseling and health care.

Im scared. Major parts of my life is unstable. Impending surgical intervention it seem simple but I will need rehab and therapy.
I'm thinking to take on two more days of work to build up finances and sick time.

The progression is subtle a d scary. I have apt in March and will probably agree to go ahead regardless because it really doesn't make since my limp gets worse and not to mention my memory having to walk up two flights because I forgot something two times. The the ache gets worse.
I am alone
Yes I have support in phone. But physical contact is basically with my client.
My oldest nephew and I came in at same time. I was unlocking door he walked up didn't speak so said hi and he is always like oh sorry hi and then thank you
He used to love my roastbeef on holidays and I had made steak a d potatoes he mumbles he hadn't smelled that in a long time I offered and he accepted. This made my day to be able to share and make a smile. To do something and fell appreciated to see love
I know my twisted (than you Gershin) supports himself and will cut himself off .

TRuth is I've always basically been alone. I hate that anyway my mother may be gone I hate that imiss her so much even if most was negative. I needed her to need me and the ugly was atrntion also.

So now I wonder if she remembers. Especially during my visits.
Well anyway today is also my grandmother's birthday. I think I have an inside timer that reminds me. Yesterday I broke down talking to my aunt. Today I texted a heart and I know because we both would trigger each other. What's worse is she has always triggered me as a kid where I would get her good and then it's like nothing. It's still there the dynamics and she is all I have here. Lots o lots of family. We grew up together. We are both there for each other. We speak almost daily. We both struggling.
Anyways this is the whine forum and thanks for letting me vent

Ralso of love and healing for us all.

Words of wisdom for anyone dealing with "lovely" people.

A bad attitude is like a flat tire, you ain't going anywhere until you fix it.

This has been much on MT mind dealing with my mommy dearest.

narc tactics:

1. changing the topic when you talk
2. the blame game
3. projection
4. fake rage
5. playing the victim...fake tears, fake anger
6. gaslighting...lying
7. interrupting
8. intentionally misunderstanding you...Then you try to reason, but it's totally intentional on their part. They understood you perfectly. You'll try to reason with them again. But again they'll intentionally misunderstand you.
9. silent treatment...ignoring you...CONTROLLING you

narc personality disorder:

"One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated."

crackers ((((((hugs))))) any chance of placing mum in a facility? She won't get easier to care for. Entitled parents are difficult at the best of times and favoritism stinks. Be sure you have enough time in your days to do things that are good for you, that you enjoy. Caregiving is so hard on the caregiver. Glad the venting helped.

duck - so happy you found that the Relora works for you too. less stressed, more relaxed and better sleep is only good! Cardamom in tea sounds good. Good that you still have your MOJO!!!

The flooring in the condo is getting done slowly. Buddy is doing it in between other jobs. R has a consult near the end of Feb re his tests so I gather it is not urgent. He says he is coming up here soon to finish the repairs so we are moving slowly in the right direction. Hopefully there wont be any more major setbacks. Hopefully!!!

Unusually mild weather here for January still but the normal cold is forecast to come soon. It's been a great break!

Barbs Golden Ali hugs
Love you all for the guidance wisdom understanding an acceptance! It means the world. Some of you are Godsent Angels For Real.

Welcome to new members!
This is a beautiful thing and it's so inspiring to see this wisdom love understanding and acceptance at work.

I am maintaining my MOJO. I have my moments. I stay in prayer as usual I have to!
Prayer and this forum......

Golden! I got the relora. I tell you it is effective. I noticed a tad difference. I am high strung it was weird to feel relaxed and notice it.
Also I started back with using cardamom in my tea. A lieutenant in ems put me on to it as a tea lover. Then I saw in utube that it's good for high blood pressure also takingd3 and k2 but the relora had me surprised how I slept longer than usual and being relaxed helped me prioritize my needs to be out and running doing things at a less stressful pace.
I have a lot more to share.
Love you all.
Rays of love peace and healing to us all!

(((Crackers))) Welcome to the "dys" thread.

I have a maternal grandmother who is narcissistic. I was in the car alone with her around 8yo, and she told me I was her favorite grandchild. I was suspicious of her at that young age because I didn't believe her. I'm positive she said that to every single grandchild at some point.

It sounds like your mom likes to use flattery as manipulation and be catered to, which is similar to my grandmother. I don't know if that qualifies as NPD, but you might look at narcissistic traits and see if they resonate for your mom.

Continue to comment here, and I know you'll get good input.

Crackers, I'm sorry for you. From your post I get your sadness.

I overheard my mom once saying to my brother "You're the best thing that ever happened to me" It cut me to the quick. Especially since that brother did nothing for her when she really started to decline and needed her children. A bunch of siblings who could have helped and still I did pretty much everything.

I loved my mom dearly but I always felt she favored her sons over her daughters. Commonplace from what I've heard. But still I loved her and loved her.

I hope that you can give yourself the love and respect you deserve and not wait for others ie: your mother and siblings, to give it to you.

I'm glad you feel lighter for venting. And don't apologize for venting either. Us women have a tendency to apologize for doing what men do all the time except for them it's not venting, it's just how they communicate. Vent away I say!

The discussion has been closed on the page I intended to comment on but I was certainly thankful to find I was not the only one who held some resentment at times over having their mother move in with them.

I know it seems petty to others, and often to me, I look in the mirror and chide myself, I really don't need someone else to do it, thanks, but I need to vent. People don't understand unless they've walked this path.

My mom and stepfather lived 4 hours away on a farm out in the country, my sister who lived a couple of miles from them married and moved several states away, and my other sister lives in another state, When my stepfather passed last September our Mother stated that she just wanted to live with someone who loves her, his kids had been brutal to her wanting to know how soon they could take over everything before the funeral had even been planned! Turns out our stepfather had not taken Mom into much consideration in his will, it was pathetic. I hired an attorney and we got Mom what we could, not nearly as much as she deserved, but we tried.

Both my sisters and I discussed it and said we would share the responsibility; Mom would stay 6 months with each of us at a time. Well, they reneged almost as soon as I got Mom moved in with me about a year and a half ago.

It has been an eye opening experience as to the true nature of my mother at this time in her life. I knew she expected everyone to do everything for her as much as she could get by with it when I could go to visit, she must have been running my stepfather ragged! She gets up out of her chair to go to the bathroom and to get her plate. If you say anything about she needs to take a bath or do something productive like got to Target with me she sulls up or cries. She'll sit in the same gown and robe for days on end.

It drives me bonkers that she has to comment or report on every blessed thing, like my husband has gone somewhere as if he didn't tell me before he left. I've started staying in other rooms a lot. And flirt, oh she just flirts and butters up my husband to no end and responds to him when he's addressing me - telling me goodnight, or saying he's going to the hardware store, or whatever before I can get a word in. She has her own bathroom but insists on going to mine unless I'm in the office by hers and she has to know what I'm doing. She always wants to know everything I'm doing even if it's cutting my toenails...,

She lives with us rent and bill free, except for her medical insurance bills. I take her to the emergency room typically in the middle of the night when she gets a UTI or a sniffle (she likes to flirt with the doctors, too), take her to her doctor appointments and pick up her medications. Basically, just seeing to her every need, and I cannot tell you how much it hurt when she was talking to my youngest sister on the phone and I heard her say "I love all of you but you're my pick" right there in front of me. Cut me to the quick! I'm sorry, she may feel that way - but what Mom says that to any of her children but especially in front of a sibling!

My husband thinks she has a very entitled and dependent mentality and I have to agree with him. Between his mom and mine our retirement years are turning out much different than we'd planned. His mom lives in town and his sister mostly takes care of her - he goes over every day and spends at least 2 hours sometimes all day, so we're pretty tied down and can commiserate with those of you who feel the same. I miss my husband, I miss walking in my house and feeling that AHHHH I'm home sensation and just relaxing, I miss us being able to just take off for parts unknown when we feel like it.

I know I have much to be grateful for, but thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me vent just a little, okay, a lot, I practically wrote a book, but I feel a little lighter for letting it out to those who understand \0/ <3

Good one Bundle. Maybe if we all lost all the negative, toxic people in our lives our depression would miraculously disappear.

🥰 i’ve quoted this a few times, but i think it’s really worth repeating:

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a***oles”.

🥰 it's that simple:

understanding a narcissist:

"They want to see you fall apart."

🥰 more quotes about narcs:

"Narcissists try to destroy your life with lies because theirs can be destroyed with the truth."

narcissist:
"I'm not going to argue with you!"

narcissist:
"Yes, I'm deliberately misunderstanding you and shutting you down. I'm more concerned with being right than listening to your emotional dribble. This conversation is over because I say so. I'm in control and all powerful here and most importantly winning."

Duck, I am going to assume that "cry baby" is a term of derision tossed at you by both your mom and sister. They both had their reasons to effectively shut down your protests. If you had "needs" or "wants", someone might have had to fulfill them.

What a concept! A child who has needs to be fulfilled!

Lets reframe the concept of "cry baby" with something for intelligent and informed. Some of us cry easily. It's physiologically determined. It doesn't denote weakness.

I am one of those people.

You are sensitive to being insulted.

You are sentimental and big-hearted with your true friends and loved ones.

Try hard not to run into your sister. Ever. She is one pathetic, sick puppy. And she knows where your buttons are.

humming (((((((hugs))))) many challenges

duck -you are making progress. That's awesome!

ali -so important to keep those boundaries and not easy! Some of us tend to give too much and to give way too much. We need the protection. Yes you are tough enough for sure.

Trucking along here. Waiting on R to come up. He just finished all the preliminary testing for ca and has to take it easy for a few days. I am formulating some back up plans as you never know what lies ahead.

Take care all.

Just a quote about narcs/toxic people:

"You cannot reason with a narcissist. It's like dealing with an alien. Even some pets understand better when you talk to them. Talking to a narcissist is like talking to a wall. Whatever you say, they will do the opposite just to demonstrate to you who is the boss."

Arg. Me and my eternal editing.

Golden, I'm happy to hear about the flooring. Keep pushing on!

Duck, I sympathize with your sleep issues. I have them, too. It's funny how stress begets stress: stress may keep you from sleeping well, but then it also cumulates into many other symptoms that will also definitely keep you up at night.

I put some things here about my job, my roommate, and my neighbor, but I'm not sure how to word it.

Long story short: I'm sick of everyone's sh*t. Boundaries are essential in life. Establishing clear expectations and holding people to them is my new mantra for everything.

As an emotionally fragile person, it's been difficult for me to see when I'm being taken advantage of.

But I'm tough enough to move past that and hold others and myself accountable.

That feels very freeing.

Lost post
Golden thanks for the advice. The Gabba upset my stomach.

SharynM thanks about the moojoo I am still holding tight

Barb Glad Ali all the best always to everyone.

I still a work in progress I stay in prayer. Still a cry baby and thankfull for my growth.
This is truly a forum that has blessed my life.
So grateful for the honesty and being able to share my crazy my issues my pain.
I have put some issues on hold so as not to be overwhelmed.

Rays of love and healing to us all.