notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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https://www.aginglifecare.org
Bundleof joy - Your jokes are awesome. Thanks so much.
I really appreciate the kindness and care. It makes me cry:) Good crying!
Big hugs to you both.
You are right one-hundred percent with your post. You are not responsible for her life and do not have to become her caregiver.
I would suggest that you speak plainly to her. Tell her that homecare will be coming in because if they do not the end result will be an accident or incident happening and her ending up in a nursing home.
No seniors are on board with homecare coming in or with going into a care facility.
They have to have it forced on them.
Your mother needs hoemcare forced on her because you are not going to become her old-age care plan.
❤️🙂
and here, some funny self-care jokes, that maybe bring some comfort:
Do I cry a lot? Yeah. Am I proud of that? You betcha I am, it's 2023 and it's cool to be in touch with your emotions. Get on my level and start healing.
Interviewer: Thanks, we'll call you.
----
I was going to buy a plant for my apartment and then I realized that I don't even give myself enough water each day.
----
Me: *happy/calm*
Anxiety: That's over. It's cancelled.
----
I hope this email finds you well.
How this email found me: 😱😱🤮🤮🤯🤯
----
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The piña and the colada.
----
Me: *ignoring all of life's problems and thinking about my skincare routine instead.*
❤️🙂
bundle of joy
My mom desires to live in home (alone) as long as possible. She has an extra room for a caregiver if needed. My mom has been showing signs of dementia over the years, slow and periodic. I did not see her for a few months and spent 10 days with her over the holidays. I see things have progressed to a point that she would benefit from someone coming in to help out and as my proxy - i am poa. I live far enough away that it requires extensive planning to come. I also have a limited capacity for the stress of visiting her. I am happy with daily phone calls and occasional visits.
My mom falls into stories that are her own - not being a burden, shame, fear of abandonment, paranoia, guilt etc. I cannot take these stories and have limited patience for the self pity. If it was up to me I would not have any responsibility for my mom's life. Unfortunately there is no one else but a lawyer to take over poa.
I found a well referenced support assistant that can work 1-2x per week to help downsize, cook, clean, plan schedules and keep me in the loop. My mom is stuck in a story that this person will be taking over her life and she will not be able to do her other activities anymore. No matter what I say, this is how my mom sees the situation. It is her story loop. She has a very active condo life with groups, darts, friends inviting her for lunch, concerts etc. I don't want her to stop this, I just need to know that things are in order each week and for someone to give me the honest observations on how things are going. I see this as an enhancement to her independence - she needs shopping, cooking, cleaning and sorting her schedule. These are all areas of life that have been consistently declining over the past 2 years. I know they are not going to improve so we need support for them.
It is my personal philosophy that it is her life to live. And, as she made me poa then I have the responsibility to act on it. This is a balance and I think I'm following her needs very carefully while taking care of my own. This is all overwhelming and stressful. Hiring this person is a part of my own wellness. My mom cannot understand this no matter how I try to explain - I have not ever known her to express or feel empathy to any of us kids so it will not change.
I am now an empty nester. My ex sucked away the last 20 years by being a toxic co-parent that I was force to deal with. I am now free of this and want to live my life. I plan to sell/give away most of my things and travel, find a better purpose, and leave my family of origin - the violence, the abuse, the endless drama from the past keeps raising its ugly head when I start to feel resentment. I feel my mental health being affected by this situation with my mom. At the same time I don't see how I can ignore it. My alternative is to reject poa and pass it to a lawyer. This is a whole other drama that I cannot handle.
I 'd like to have my mom assessed and her home assessed for any safety adjustments. She will never agree. I would like to put her on waitlists for good care homes but she will never agree. I would like support to come and do what is needed but she will not agree. I would like to bow out but the guilt is so heavy that I would be haunted by it. What i know most is that i will not do this to my own kid. No way. I will prepare myself in graduated care or what ever is required at the time. I have no problem getting help, I would love a cook and cleaner. We are so different...
So that is that. Do I feel better for writing this? Maybe a bit. If only I could get a hug and some comfort.
Thx
"One of the things that binds us is our not caring attitude."
'You need an attitude adjustment. Let me get my tools'.
I'll go you one better.
'You need an attitude adjustment. Since you're already a tool you can probably do it yourself.'
LOL
"You need an attitude adjustment. Let me get my tools."
Tried passionflower tea and capsules for relaxing and sleep and it works but it disturbed my gut so I tried Relora - a mixture of magnolia officinalis and Phellodendron amurense and it is working. Getting the right dose is taking a while but I am so glad to have found it. For those in the know it increases your GABA levels.
I posted before on the whine thread about our flooring issues at the condo. I am very pleased that I have been fully refunded for the flooring that didn't work. Yay!!! Apparently they are obliged to refund if you return it for a valid reason in Alberta anyway. So the new flooring is being installed this week and should be done by the weekend. A flooring contractor is doing it and R is acting as his helper which drastically reduces the cost. I am so relieved that this is being sorted out finally. Meanwhile I am culling more and more stuff which is good. Haven't heard any results of R's MRIs - hope that is good too.
We are having mild temperatures - single digits below 0 C which is great for this time of year but the humidity is up to over 90% and when there is wind it is as raw as March. However the mildness is a real bonus. And the days are getting longer. Things brighten up noticeably after the first week of January here and that helps everyone.
Take care everyone and do something good for you. You deserve it!
and remember...!!! regarding the quote in my post below...
prisoner OF THE MIND...
they try to dominate your mind. get them out of your head!!
hug!!!!
dear anyone who is surrounded by toxic family members...
set yourself free.
"The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison."
They are what they hide."
"Life is short. Don't waste it with negative people who don't appreciate you."
I like what you're saying about manipulation and it's the God's honest truth.
Manipulation is abuse. I don't tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone.
I won't be a player in anyone's abusive games.
"Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect."
Anyways I usually bring food to feed my mother I do her hair and lotion and massage her legs and whatever I can to her feet.
So the aide Sks me if I wanted her to bring my mother into room as she knows I feed her I says yes.
She tells me my sister says she was here first and she isbgoing to feed her. Soni ask for a chair so I can sit at table.
So as we sat my sis looking at tv has two bags at her side not interacting with my mother. I am wonder what she was waiting for. So I always talk and be handsvon with my mother. And felt awkward doing nothing so I go get brush and comb and start to grese her scalp and brush her hair. By that time the lunched came . There are new lens and rn on unit and the lpn asks us to give up chairs sobtgenpayient cam sit and have lunch. So I get up my twisted does not. Do nurse asks her agin and states visitors cannot be in room when feeding patients so I ask if I van take my mother to room. Do now protocol states she has special diet and visitors are not allowed. So I tell her I'm an rn and I've been feeding her since she'd been here and bottom line was it was waisted visit
My sister left. My mother still had not been feed when I left. So she didn't get her pampering and she could have eaten had little massage cake and chocolate just for s moment. As my sister left she says something about me pretending. It was a trigger for me. The last time she said it I dreamt about setting her straight waiting to catch her and when I did she raise her had and I almost lost my sanity getting ready to maul her when I had her by her hair so tight her contacts came out. I felt terrible after mad I didn't kill her and mad for losing it.
Anyways It's a work in progress and I realize that she know how to pill my chain.
Not to mention that I had previously video called my aunt and my son so they can see her. So my son ask if that is twisted I say yes that is that monster he asks to speak to her and I say not on my phone call if she will answer your call. He sent zoom to her and her soons for his promotion and no one replied
I pray to be in a place where can totally block her presence.
In a natural way.
Love you all
Rays of love and healingvto us all
I still have my moojo :)
It gets weak at times.
I am not caught up and I know I will mix names and posts.
Ali I didn't read up on your hospitalization and I glad you are good.
If you come across ingormation for for sleep I and definitely interested.
I recently started l L tryptophan along with melatonin and benadryl. I still have problem going to sleep and waking every 1 to 2 hours then finally deep sleep for a few hours sometimes. I often have my phone on do not disturb.
I pray all is well for everyone. I spend most time on series and utube.
My mother is good. I ran intobmy sister at one visit during my regular visit time.
We have. To do covid test before visit. So I waited awhile after she went up praying for a guard over my mouth and heart.
It was a frustrating visit. Under her tutelage of insanity my mother and I for that matter did have the temporary attention and love.
My sister sat right next to her in the community room. When I came in I spoke to everyone and asked if she could move over so I could speak to my mother. She waved her hand like nothing is stopping me
So I placed my hip in between her chair and move her chair over. Where I could kiss and speak to mother.
All heads turned and then to patients started having g a very heated argument.
"My nephew is manipulative and scheming. And those are his good qualities."
You write "Her laziness and physical limitations are why I'm still in this hole and I just hope it isn't too late for her to be able to walk again." No. Again. your choice to stay is why you are still there. Your life does not have to depend on her health. You wrote also you didn't know what to do. I would think seeing a professional person to help you make healthier decisions should be a priority for you. Your life does not have to be defined by your mother. You are not helping her, you are enabling her to be helpless and being extraordinarily dependent on her.
sharyn - sorry you are in pain but glad you are looking forward to some PT sessions. Sounds like your grandsons had a very exciting time! I had a quiet Christmas too.
send - I wish I only had misplaced eggs to concern me about my partner. However, I get that it is frustrating. He wrote you a lovely email.
Pam -you are not nor ever will be an "a-hole". No doubt about that! It sounds like "being done" is the best place to be. Hope your hub can accept it and move on.
ali - so glad you had a good Christmas and are feeling and sleeping better. And so glad you did a "whatever" to the ongoing family drama. I call that growth! As regards the past I have a favourite saying
"With time you will come to see that the frantic, broken, unhinged version of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. You were simply a kindhearted person reacting to a very unkind situation." Hope the specialists have some answers and solutions for you.
As to the coming new year, I plan on it being a good one. Group (((((hug)))))
My mother complained to me about how difficult it is to care for my dad. He's terminal and not taking his medications. She sees him every week or so, brings him food, and checks on him. She told me that she wants to become POA/MPOA. At first, my stress increased because neither of them are planning ANYTHING. His POA should have been in place long ago, but my bro shot the idea down and talked my dad out of it in a conversation between the two of them -- this was when I was hands-on caregiving and trying to get my dad's legal needs in place. My bro took my dad aside and said something that made my dad think he didn't want to give POA.
When I realized I was getting stressed about the same old lousy situation, I resigned anew to *whatever* they all want to do as long as it doesn't involve me. I'm trying to be supportive while keeping a healthy distance from my dad's needs. Is this growth on my part? lol I had a conversation with bro and mom about it and left it in their hands—all the credit to the fine folks on AC for this.
I'm proud of myself for that. Not proud of myself for some other things. I had some emotions this trip, facing down my shortcomings and contributions to dysfunction in the past.
My sleep remains much better than it was in the past five months. No more panic fits or extreme hot flashes like I was having. I'm looking forward to seeing some specialists and hoping there are some health things I can tweak for long-term improvement. Onward and upward!
Makes choices sooooooo much easier.
My heart is full of gratitude for joy to be married to my dearest friend and lovely wife. We should always and in always be together, an expression of true love.
“A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.“
Faithfully, your E.
I am overwhelmed at the rapid changes in my dear husband.
My dH and I cook together.
He started to put things away before I was done using them.
The last few weeks, his OCD has been bothersome.
Today, he put the eggs back before we cooked any eggs. Go figure.
Together, we are getting really good at preparing a great breakfast, but usually not before noon, and not without some real frustrations.
I am well. Yes I hurt a lot but I now have Medicare so I’m looking into pt next month.
we had a very quiet Christmas which was nice. We went out to dinner with our daughters family. The boys were very excited about the restaurant being a steakhouse and hibachi with the chef cooking right at the table. L was very frightened when flames shot up from the grill but he recovered quickly so when it happened the second time, he liked it.
I hope everyone is well and had a quiet Christmas as well. Take care everyone.
“The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.”