notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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“People who come from dysfunctional families aren’t destined for a dysfunctional life.”
Why do you think she is going to recover any more from cancer that she had treatment for 6 years ago?
Has she been flexible or kindhearted in the past?
Why do you think she doesn't have dementia or mental illness?
So, she says she doesn't want to catch COVID?
So what? Why does that have any bearing on your behavior?
You get a job. You leave. You let her make phone calls and arrange for help that she pays for.
Have I found a therapist? No
Why do I buy my mom a Christmas gift? I do it out of desire and I don't want her to be empty handed at Christmas. I wish she was like me and was flexible about her gift arriving late. I've gotten belated Christmas gifts before and I never once complained. She needs to be taught "it's the thought that counts" and "better late than never." It's not like I got her a gift card from McDonalds or some worthless item.
@sp19690
The relationship does feel that way. You can argue I'm a victim of emotional incest. She basically views me in a husband-like light. She got divorced when I was in high school and my dad died several months ago, thus why I haven't been on here too much. I've also lost some other relatives and a couple of friends in the past several months.
After New Years, I'm hoping she can have her long overdue intervention and I hope she can be convinced to at least start at-home physical therapy and get over her paranoia over Covid and the flu. She doesn't get leave the house for fear of catching Covid or the flu and landing in the hospital. I've had moments where I wanted to have it sooner, but either something was going on or some occasion was upcoming and I didn't want to step on eggshells. I wanted to have the intervention back in October, but a couple of people she knew died and she was saddened by their deaths.
@BurntCaregiver
If I could find someone to watch her and if she wasn't a paranoid baby, I'd do it. She doesn't want to get out of the house for fear of finding herself "in the hospital...or worse." There are people I want to be with, but I'm not in Mayberry and Andy isn't here to let me out of jail for Christmas.
@golden23
If I knew what to do and if I wasn't stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would've at least tried something a long time ago. Yes, some of it is my choices, but she does bare a portion of the responsibility. Some of it IS because of her condition and still recovering from chemo. Some of it is her being too lazy to be more active. She's been up and around the house once a week for the past 2 months. Her laziness and physical limitations are why I'm still in this hole and I just hope it isn't too late for her to be able to walk again.
She had her shower earlier today and I had to help her get undressed, turn the water on, and somewhat help turn the water off, dry her off, and get her dressed. And she said afterwards that it was a good shower in her eyes.
You are correct, however, that parents don't enslave their kids and I'll do what I can to avoid future caregiving when this ends, assuming it ends with her becoming mobile after over 4 years or her going to the nursing home.
@gladimhere
I'm a victim of uncontrollable circumstances and being forced into codependence and caregiving much sooner than expected. I didn't give her cancer and cause her to become immobile. I didn't tell her to be afraid of everything. She sometimes tells people I'm the reason she isn't in the nursing home, but if not for Covid and money, I'd be the reason she was in the nursing home.
Plus, until the spring, she would tell me to take my mask and disposable gloves when I was going places. She was against those who opposed mask mandates and doing things virtually. And yet, she won't do those very things herself the few times we get company.
Your situation made me think about something I heard a looooong time ago.
I finally get my $hit together and my a$$ falls apart . Welcome to aging!
Keep those appointments, and keep us updated. Mwah!
This is good! It's good to find such a significant problem, and now there will be more testing with endocrinology.
I have a history of low sodium, but I eat plenty of canned soups and other things that should keep it high enough.
Thanks again. It's meant a lot. 🙏😘💙💐
hug!
i love that sentence you wrote:
"That's how loving relationships go. They have concern for the welfare of the other person."
🥰 exactly.
-----------
how many times has your "senior brat" asked, "and how are YOU? how are YOU doing?"
“Proud member of the Dysfunctional Family Club”
just kidding…
i wish none of us were part of that club.
here’s a BIG healing HUG to everyone.
🥰 some narcs intentionally try to ruin special days, like xmas; picking fights/conflicts here and there, before, during and after. those negative comments end up swirling in your head, hours/days after, also while you try to fall asleep, your mind (justifiably) seething with anger at whatever outrageous thing they just said.
that’s what they want.
they want you to feel the opposite of peace.
i hope whoever is surrounded by a “senior brat” can clear their mind. don’t accept the garbage energy they try to throw at you.
i wish you peace.
a xmas full of peace & love.
🎄🎄🎄❄️❄️❄️
🥰🥰🥰
🎅🏻🎅🏻🎅🏻
and if no one is there to give you peace & love (in fact, they’re throwing at you quite the opposite), then give it to yourself. find a quiet moment on 24/25 december all for yourself, giving yourself something/anything (whatever that might be) that will make YOU smile.
🎄🎄🎄❄️❄️❄️
🤓🤓🤓
🎅🏻🎅🏻🎅🏻
I have been known to wrap a picture of a gift that doesn't arrive on time. But, then she would have all that time to complain about her gift if she doesn't like it.
I am sorry you re still in the same rut. As mentioned below you are in a substitute spouse relationship with your mother. And some of that is due your choices.
In a previous post you said you wanted your own life. What I see is that what you really want is to keep the status quo and share your unhappiness about it. Or you would have done something to get out of it.
Believe me, you are only a victim of your own choices not of your mother's choices.
I am not saying it's easy or comfortable to break away from this toxic arrangement, but it is possible.
Give yourself a gift and spend some time asking yourself the question - Why am I still here?
Hint - It's not because of your mother's condition.
Ya know, I gotta add this:
My daughter is the one with cancer, or, who hopefully had cancer and is successfully treated. She is completely worn out from the treatments. We were talking about Christmas and she said she didn't know what she was going to be able to do about it. I said, "Well, for one thing you don't have to get me anything." That's how loving relationships go. They have concern for the welfare of the other person.
No healthy mother enslaves her child to anything - gifts, servitude whatever. And healthy adult children protect themselves from being enslaved.
Get some help to get healthy!
Why don't give yourself a Christmas gift and spend the holiday with people who actually care about you and want to be with you for the holidays. Your mother is not among this group.
Get her NOTHING as a gift. The fact that you are enslaved to her abusive neediness year round and she treats you with less respect than a pile of cigarette butts that's dumped from a car ashtray into a parking lot (I am a former smoker and have cigarettes on my mind this morning, and no I never dumped the car ashtray out in a parking lot though many smokers do), I'm going to say that's gift enough already from you to her.
I have not accepted a gift from my mother in many years. Any time she ever gave me a gift, I never heard the end of it from the time I was a child. Also, I refuse to be guilt-tripped and will not be beholden to her for any reason that she can draw upon in the future.
When I married my first husband, his family gave us a lovely wedding party. It was outdoors at their house (we lived in the apartment upstairs) and they paid for the whole thing. My mother complained and insulted it non-stop because no one even asked her for her input. Of course we all had good reason for that. Mom gave us $200 and a card. For the next year any time I didn't drop whatever I was doing and go running when summoned to, or if I shut her down when the verbal abuse would start, she'd bring up the $200 and every other gift she ever gave me. My husband got fed up with this and gave her back the $200 wedding gift. He put it in the original card she gave to us. I do not accept gifts from her, nor will I get her a gift. You should do the same.
It seems to me that your mother pulls the same crap mine does if she gives you something. So don't accept any gift from her and don't give her any. It's not worth it.
If she wants to get you a gift for Christmas she should check herself into respite for an entire month. Or at least stop milking her cancer diagnosis 6 years after it was taken care of and try to get off her ass and do something to help herself so you can get your life back.
This really has all the ear marks of becoming a Norman Bates situation with you and your mother. Hopefully you don't own a motel.
And don't get her another gift for Christmas. Stop indulging this grown adult baby for gods sakes.
Have you found a therapist yet?
Why do you buy your mother a Christmas gift? That's an actual question. Think about WHY you do b it.
Is it because you WANT to or because she expects it?
Therein lies your problem.
She responded by asking if it was her lone Christmas gift from me. I responded by saying unless I see something extra that I think she would like and reminded her of how I found an extra Christmas gift after I found her initial gift from me one Christmas a few years ago.
She then responded by suggesting one of the local shops and saying "you don't wanna be without a gift at Christmas." I noticed almost immediately she was being passive aggressive. She almost acted like I told her I wasn't getting her anything for Christmas.
I found out not too long after telling her about the delay that the gift will arrive a couple of days after Christmas instead of days after New Years. She once again responded by noting it's important to have a gift at Christmas. I told her I was going fix it and I'd find her something extra.
She then talked about the hat and polo she got me last year and I didn't wear them at all. I told her I wore the hat she got me a few times and she ultimately didn't see me wear the hat when I did.
With the burnout and all she has and continues to put me through, she should be lucky she's getting ANYTHING from me.
“I don’t always manipulate, lie and gaslight.
But when I do, it’s your fault.”
We all knew you are one smart lady!
"I can't keep calm, my family is crazy."
"How many of us have looked at our family and thought, "Well, aren't we just two clowns short of a circus?""