
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
1. Assume she will always treat you like a piece of $hit.
2. Understand in your heart of hearts that it's because she thinks SHE is a piece of $hit and was treated as such by someone who ought to have loved her.
I wonder why you think it's wise or healthy to keep showing up. You are clearly a trigger for her. Not good for you either.
(((Hugs)))
Not good for you either.
1. they do not have your best interests at heart. on the contrary, it might be years they’ve been trying to destroy you.
2. they will not change. so if you continue to be near them, you’ll keep receiving it.
3. realize that they’re horrible people.
4. you continue being you. and if they’ve destroyed you in some way, go get YOU back.
and take this with you:
🍀🍀🍀
some luck 🥰
it’s hard, but somehow one must try to ignore what abusers say.
Barb, I tell her not to do those things. I walk away. But this time I was stunned by it all. My body froze. The last thing she yelled about was the haunting threat.
If at any point in the future I bring up what she said and did, she’ll yell and spit again.
hug!!!
i don’t know if i have any advice.
perhaps it’s this:
whatever you’re feeling right now (anger? hurt? shock? unhappy?) is what she wanted you to feel.
they want you to feel the opposite of peace.
i myself don’t know the answer, because there is no way to change people like that.
abusers take up LOTS of our time, not just during the abuse, but after.
they’re TIME-THIEVES.
I'm so happy to read that you've gotten your mojo back.
My friend, life is good.
L'chaim!
That negative self talk is gone! Just like that. I don't relive negative painful moments I'm not triggered to that place. So grateful, thankful my prayers are bring answered.
So more rare good nice news to share. My cousin and I did the girls night out. We went to a club. Towards end of our night a gent comes over and we hit it off. He performed a song dedicated to me I can't remember te name lots of cocktails and whoops. Then as we were leaving he met us at the
Door to escort us to car.
So he says he would be at another club tonight. I'm not going but the serenade and attention had me floored. Anyways I get goofy smiles every now and then. Maybe next year lol. Cousins go there alot.
Rays of love and peace to us all. HUGGS
Im not caught up but I noticed an informative post about medicare..
Much love in my heart for you all. HUGGS
“Thanksgiving.
Bringing out the best in family dysfunction.
~Since 1863”
step by step, find your way to freedom from abuse. no one deserves to be abused. no one deserves to be abused for the rest of their life.
My suggestion to anyone is do not allow yourself to become trapped in a dysfunctional, blame inducing and shaming environment. These people will entrap you. You will lose time, a chance to have a working relationship and this person can live and addition ten or twenty years. Do not leave your job and lose medical, retirement and any other benefits your job provides for you. If the shoe was on the other foot, they would not do it for you.
my best childhood memory . I was 4 years old and we moved into anew house. A boy my age across the street would March over to our front yard and punch me in the nose. His mother felt my my mother should just keep me inside. My mother was not going to do that. The last time this boy punched me and bloody my nose, both my brothers came came out and cornered him. They did not touch him, but had a chat telli v him if he continued to hit me, he would have to deal them them. He became a good friend after that…more importantly, my brothers became my heroes.
“they want to become the center of your universe and it looks like your mum has succeeded at that far too well.”
Yes! I only realized it very recently that I spend the whole day thinking about her. And night.
“I remember one of the times I was trying to get thoughts of someone out of my head and I decided to think about the colour of nail polish I was next going to use - anything but thinking of this other person.”
Yes! I’m using the same technique. I’m thinking about work.
Abusers want us to be unhappy. Unfortunately, we start doing that - it’s like we don’t allow ourselves to be happy.
Probably we realize that if we’re happy around the abuser, they’ll destroy that. And then we start being unhappy even when away from the abuser. I think we really start not allowing ourselves to be happy. One gets sucked into worry, caregiving - if in addition to that there’s abuse, then you’re even more sucked in.
“I looked after mother from a distance and only visited her a few times a year and even that was hard.”
I also don’t live with her. But I’m here right now. I’m leaving in a few days.
“However, doing the right thing also means doing the right thing for you, not just for her. Your life and welfare is as important as hers is.”
Yes!
Thank you, Golden!
“For myself I had to physically and emotionally distance myself from my mother and my sister (both abusive) to accomplish some peace of mind and carry on a separate life of my own.”
Sorry to hear you went through that! Great you achieved physical and emotional distance.
I MUST distance myself emotionally too. I care of course. But it really has to stop that she’s “the center”. With her abuse, she becomes the “center of my universe” - because her abusive words continue swimming in my head.
I’ll intentionally distance myself emotionally.
Thanks Golden!
“I tried everything with mother and none of it stopped her nor helped me in any way so I had to distance myself.”
Same here, and I’ll do the same as you.
For myself I had to physically and emotionally distance myself from my mother and my sister (both abusive) to accomplish some peace of mind and carry on a separate life of my own.. I studied, I had a job, a marriage and a family. I did some community work. I had a life apart from from my family of origin.
burnt - I am glad that worked for you but not everyone is comfortable speaking like that. If I had spoken like that to my mother she would have been extremely upset and ranted and raved at me and gone on an emotional and social rampage. I don't think it is a solution for everyone. I tried everything with mother and none of it stopped her nor helped me in any way so I had to distance myself. Grey rock helps but I found that the abuse still stung and triggered trauma from the past.
bbob - still recovering after 4 years seems a little unusual. It sounds to me that your mother is almost bedbound and needs 24/7 care. A facility would accomplish that without this horrendous cost to your life and independence. She will never realize that you can't help her forever as long as you are there. Don't wait for her to get better, or to "see" that you can't do this forever. Honestly if you want a different life, only you can take those steps towards it. What kind of job are you interested in? We all need money to survive independently. Do you have qualifications that make you employable? Goals of a job, a home and a family are great. They wll only happen if you start taking steps to find other care for your mum and other work for yourself. I really encourage you to work towards those goals. And let us know how you are tackling them.
Winter is here is full force. ❄❄❄ Neither Rocky my cat nor I like it nor want to go out in it much. Sigh!
Would you like suggestions, or are you just venting?
I have no desire to help her for another 25-30 years, but she's too blind to realize I can't help her forever and I have to eventually move on.
Idk what I want to do honestly. All I want to do is simply not take care of my mom anymore. I'd like to have a job, my own place, and start a family.
I'm not, but it really feels like I am.