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VSO, I am curious why you are surprised by your loved one's ill-will. Haven't you said that she's always been mean to you?

1. Assume she will always treat you like a piece of $hit.

2. Understand in your heart of hearts that it's because she thinks SHE is a piece of $hit and was treated as such by someone who ought to have loved her.

I wonder why you think it's wise or healthy to keep showing up. You are clearly a trigger for her. Not good for you either.

(((Hugs)))


Not good for you either.
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hug!! for people surrounded by abusive people, hang in there. it’s tough.

1. they do not have your best interests at heart. on the contrary, it might be years they’ve been trying to destroy you.

2. they will not change. so if you continue to be near them, you’ll keep receiving it.

3. realize that they’re horrible people.

4. you continue being you. and if they’ve destroyed you in some way, go get YOU back.

and take this with you:
🍀🍀🍀

some luck 🥰
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VSO, hug!!!

it’s hard, but somehow one must try to ignore what abusers say.
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Margaret, good idea. Next time I can say that. This time, I was too surprised by her ill will.

Barb, I tell her not to do those things. I walk away. But this time I was stunned by it all. My body froze. The last thing she yelled about was the haunting threat.

If at any point in the future I bring up what she said and did, she’ll yell and spit again.
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Duck, happy to hear that you're happy!!
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Stressed, when your mom starts to yell, spit, abuse, what do YOU do/say?
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Tell her it will be nice to see her again, if she haunts you. Perhaps with no audio. Genuinely, I would have been glad to see my Mum's face again.
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My mom said, after she dies, she’ll haunt me.
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dear verystressedout,

hug!!!
i don’t know if i have any advice.

perhaps it’s this:
whatever you’re feeling right now (anger? hurt? shock? unhappy?) is what she wanted you to feel.

they want you to feel the opposite of peace.

i myself don’t know the answer, because there is no way to change people like that.

abusers take up LOTS of our time, not just during the abuse, but after.

they’re TIME-THIEVES.
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Had a horrible day. My mom. Abusive. Spitting at me. Yelling. Insulting me.
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@DDDuck

I'm so happy to read that you've gotten your mojo back.
My friend, life is good.
L'chaim!
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It's hard to believe my emotional growth. I haven't cried or broken down not once!

That negative self talk is gone! Just like that. I don't relive negative painful moments I'm not triggered to that place. So grateful, thankful my prayers are bring answered.
So more rare good nice news to share. My cousin and I did the girls night out. We went to a club. Towards end of our night a gent comes over and we hit it off. He performed a song dedicated to me I can't remember te name lots of cocktails and whoops. Then as we were leaving he met us at the
Door to escort us to car.
So he says he would be at another club tonight. I'm not going but the serenade and attention had me floored. Anyways I get goofy smiles every now and then. Maybe next year lol. Cousins go there alot.

Rays of love and peace to us all. HUGGS
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Same here Barb! Always!
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Happy Thanksgiving, Duck! Good to see you.
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Thinking of you all. Have a wonderful blessed holiday season. Visiting my son and family his promotion ceremony was beautiful as well as reuniting with family and a favorite cousin from childhood. Thank goodness I am not an emotional wreck.
Im not caught up but I noticed an informative post about medicare..
Much love in my heart for you all. HUGGS
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Very funny Bundle of Joy and oh so true.
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❤️😉😉🦃🥧

“Thanksgiving.
Bringing out the best in family dysfunction.

~Since 1863”
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good luck to all who are surrounded by an abusive person, or abusive people (plural!).

step by step, find your way to freedom from abuse. no one deserves to be abused. no one deserves to be abused for the rest of their life.
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I left the dysfunctional family in 1991. It was an on and off relationship from that time up until now. Most are older now in their late seventies or eighties. I'm the youngest.

My suggestion to anyone is do not allow yourself to become trapped in a dysfunctional, blame inducing and shaming environment. These people will entrap you. You will lose time, a chance to have a working relationship and this person can live and addition ten or twenty years. Do not leave your job and lose medical, retirement and any other benefits your job provides for you. If the shoe was on the other foot, they would not do it for you.
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Sharyn so sorry for your loss. ((((Hugs))))
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Oh sharyn - my deepest condolences. I am so sorry you lost your brother, He was young to pass from Alzheimer's. What a great memory of your bros defending you! ((((((hugs)))))
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Sharyn, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Hugs.
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Hi everyone, while I did not expect this so soon, my oldest brother passed today as a result of Alzheimer’s/ dementia. He was only 72. Im still struggling with how to deal with this loss as he and I were not close.

my best childhood memory . I was 4 years old and we moved into anew house. A boy my age across the street would March over to our front yard and punch me in the nose. His mother felt my my mother should just keep me inside. My mother was not going to do that. The last time this boy punched me and bloody my nose, both my brothers came came out and cornered him. They did not touch him, but had a chat telli v him if he continued to hit me, he would have to deal them them. He became a good friend after that…more importantly, my brothers became my heroes.
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Thanks Golden!
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venting ((((((Hugs)))) Keep on doing the good stuff!
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Hi Golden! Thanks! You have no idea how much I appreciate your words, and everyone else giving me great advice.

“they want to become the center of your universe and it looks like your mum has succeeded at that far too well.”

Yes! I only realized it very recently that I spend the whole day thinking about her. And night.

“I remember one of the times I was trying to get thoughts of someone out of my head and I decided to think about the colour of nail polish I was next going to use - anything but thinking of this other person.”

Yes! I’m using the same technique. I’m thinking about work.

Abusers want us to be unhappy. Unfortunately, we start doing that - it’s like we don’t allow ourselves to be happy.

Probably we realize that if we’re happy around the abuser, they’ll destroy that. And then we start being unhappy even when away from the abuser. I think we really start not allowing ourselves to be happy. One gets sucked into worry, caregiving - if in addition to that there’s abuse, then you’re even more sucked in.

“I looked after mother from a distance and only visited her a few times a year and even that was hard.”

I also don’t live with her. But I’m here right now. I’m leaving in a few days.

“However, doing the right thing also means doing the right thing for you, not just for her. Your life and welfare is as important as hers is.”

Yes!
Thank you, Golden!

“For myself I had to physically and emotionally distance myself from my mother and my sister (both abusive) to accomplish some peace of mind and carry on a separate life of my own.”

Sorry to hear you went through that! Great you achieved physical and emotional distance.

I MUST distance myself emotionally too. I care of course. But it really has to stop that she’s “the center”. With her abuse, she becomes the “center of my universe” - because her abusive words continue swimming in my head.

I’ll intentionally distance myself emotionally.

Thanks Golden!

“I tried everything with mother and none of it stopped her nor helped me in any way so I had to distance myself.”

Same here, and I’ll do the same as you.
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venting - they want to become the center of your universe and it looks like your mum has succeeded at that far too well. You have the choice/power to change that. I remember one of the times I was trying to get thoughts of someone out of my head and I decided to think about the colour of nail polish I was next going to use - anything but thinking of this other person. You can change your thought life and when dealing with an abuser you really need to. You didn't intend for your current situation to happen and to get out of it you need to intentionally refocus your thought life and your actions. You say you are trying to do the right thing and I so understand that. However, doing the right thing also means doing the right thing for you, not just for her. Your life and welfare and as important as hers is. I came to realize that and also that allowing my mother to abuse me was enabling her which was not good for her nor for me. Change is difficult but worthwhile. Have you ever had counseling? I looked after mother from a distance and only visited her a few times a year and even that was hard.

For myself I had to physically and emotionally distance myself from my mother and my sister (both abusive) to accomplish some peace of mind and carry on a separate life of my own.. I studied, I had a job, a marriage and a family. I did some community work. I had a life apart from from my family of origin.

burnt - I am glad that worked for you but not everyone is comfortable speaking like that. If I had spoken like that to my mother she would have been extremely upset and ranted and raved at me and gone on an emotional and social rampage. I don't think it is a solution for everyone. I tried everything with mother and none of it stopped her nor helped me in any way so I had to distance myself. Grey rock helps but I found that the abuse still stung and triggered trauma from the past.

bbob - still recovering after 4 years seems a little unusual. It sounds to me that your mother is almost bedbound and needs 24/7 care. A facility would accomplish that without this horrendous cost to your life and independence. She will never realize that you can't help her forever as long as you are there. Don't wait for her to get better, or to "see" that you can't do this forever. Honestly if you want a different life, only you can take those steps towards it. What kind of job are you interested in? We all need money to survive independently. Do you have qualifications that make you employable? Goals of a job, a home and a family are great. They wll only happen if you start taking steps to find other care for your mum and other work for yourself. I really encourage you to work towards those goals. And let us know how you are tackling them.

Winter is here is full force. ❄❄❄ Neither Rocky my cat nor I like it nor want to go out in it much. Sigh!
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@Blickbob, what steps have you taken to facilitate your moving on?

Would you like suggestions, or are you just venting?
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@golden23 She's still recovering from the cancer treatments. They ended a little over 4 years ago.

I have no desire to help her for another 25-30 years, but she's too blind to realize I can't help her forever and I have to eventually move on.

Idk what I want to do honestly. All I want to do is simply not take care of my mom anymore. I'd like to have a job, my own place, and start a family.
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@Beatty

I'm not, but it really feels like I am.
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