notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
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- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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Yes, it is possible to insulate yourself from the abuse by standing up for yourself and even giving some of it back. When your mother is behaving abusively and trying to instigate with you tell her the following:
'Shut the ---- up. Nobody cares what you think least of all me. If a fight is what you want you're going to be disappointed because I'm not giving you one. Either knock off the ornery abusive bullcrap or I will totally abandon you and will not lift a finger to help you'.
Then be true to your word and ignore her. There was a poster on the forum (I can't remember his name) but his mother was called Katherine. He said that when she was in the mood to pick a fight and be abusive he would say that's her other personality 'Kathy'.
So when 'Kathy' would show up, he'd tell her to shut the ____ up. He'd mimick her and insult her too because nobody wants to hear from 'Kathy'. What he didn't do was give her a fight or let her think that her abuse hurt him in any way.
My go-to with an abusive senior has always been going Grey Rock, or completely ignore them. I've had clients who were very nasty and abusive. I'd just act like they weren't even there. I'd go about the other work I needed to get done and not even look at them. This works very well.
Abusive language and behavior equals zero attention from me.
Also, there's nothing wrong with walking away and refusing to care for your mother anymore. She is abusive and nasty. You don't deserve that.
she’s so abusive against me.
I’ve set up caregivers (more hours than before). And I must step away - save my life. I hope I return to the forum with good news soon.
I had a family member years ago who was said to be wealthy. She was also mentally ill.
Various family members revolved their lives around her, so as to inherit.
When she died, it turned out she had nothing.
It was a powerful lesson. My dad, who was marginally involved, pointed out the lesson.
Make your own way. Never depend on an inheritance and especially not the promise of one.
“venting - it's very easy for some of us to get "swallowed" by caregiving.”
“Don't let your LO's occupy all the space in your head.”
In fact, I was just thinking today how my whole life revolves around her! I never intended to do that. But she abuses me (I can’t avoid her all the time). And as a consequence, her words and meanness get stuck in my head. It affects my whole day (that’s her goal).
I was thinking: she’s taking up way too much head space. I think all day about her abusive words.
Like you said, I’ll step away. And I’ll try NOT to think about her, the whole day.
I’ve been thinking about her for weeks, every single day: her abuse swims around in my head.
I don’t know how others manage not to be affected by abuse, or if that’s even possible.
BBob - your profile says your mother has cancer. Is that her only illness? Is she recovering from the cancer? Are you really willing and able to keep caring for her another 25-30 years? That's a really long time caring for someone especially who is sick and dysfunctional as well. I wonder what kind of life you have. Your mother seems to be declining and not interested in PT. I have to agree that what you do for her is a big deal. I hope you have some interests outside of caregiving.
venting - it's very easy for some of us to get "swallowed" by caregiving. We may have to struggle to get out of it, but we can. Take a step today to distance yourself, and detach from that role, to build your own separate life. Don't let your LO's occupy all the space in your head.
When the one(s) you care for are gone, what will be left for you? I'm not talking about money a house or other material things, but a social life, meaning and purpose, physical and mental health, - quality of life.
Although many posters have urged you to make changes, I don't believe you can or will.
What's sadder to me is that when your mother is gone, you will likely be in worse state: lost, empty, lonely, depresssd, old and sick beyond your age. Will you at least be financially secured? I hope you will have the support you need then. Just remember, you can always count on the good people in this forum for support.
“No amount of money, property, praise, or guilt is worth what you're giving up now which is your life.”
“you have sacrificed your life for your mother's. It makes me very sad for you.”
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT!
Everyone who is caring for an elderly parent, relative, or paid client can WALK AWAY. You can't walk away from your children (though some deadbeats do), but you can walk away from this kind of caregiving.
You may very well ruffle some feathers. There will be people who will be angry and will blame you for everything. You will likely have to make some changes to your life and your lifestyle. Potential inheritances when the elderly person dies are no longer a possibility. Assets have to go for their care be it in a nursing home, memory care, AL, wherever.
You will lose their income if they live with you and you may have to learn to live with less. You may even have to relocate if you live in their house.
No amount of money, property, praise, or guilt is worth what you're giving up now which is your life.
@blickbob
If you're willing to accept the sentence of 25 to life in your mother's prison of abusive neediness, then go ahead. It's your life.
Remember something though. No one has ever been able to get back one second of time. BTW, please tell your mother that scraping sh*t off her backside and changing her underwear for her is a VERY big deal indeed.
@wandagd1
Don't stay up all night dealing with your mother. Let her cry, She'll tire herself out and go to sleep.
People with dementia are often like babies. Sometimes you have to let a baby cry and squawk a bit. Then they get to sleep. If the parents go running in every second, the baby will never go to bed alone.
You tell your mother where she is. You leave a small light on in her room or even a tv. You have her doctor prescribe some anti-anxiety or sleeping medication for her. What you don't do is sit in her room all night. It will be hard to do and may even seem a little bit harsh, but you have to do it.
She's a bit of a control freak and wants everything to go and be done her way. Our gas bill is usually high from this time of the year until April. And yet, she doesn't mind paying up for the bills even though she'll accuse them of being greedy.
If it was the other way around and I was stuck in there, she'd turn it down without even considering my wishes.
She's guilty of dysfunction. And if the only way out is through her dying, I'm likely to be waiting 25-30 years. And that's assuming nothing unexpected happens to her.
It's warmer than normal where we live. We lit the gas heater in the room where my mom has been stuck in a couple of weeks ago and in the past several days with this mild weather, she'd rather turn on the AC unit than turn the heater down a notch. When it comes to putting out heat, she has the heater exactly where she wants it and until the time comes to turn the gas heaters off in the spring, doesn't want it adjusted AT ALL. The room being in the mid 80s and high barometric pressure makes her weak and a couple of nights ago, didn't have the energy to use the bathroom. That heater is a blessing when it's 35 outside. It's a nightmare when it's 75 outside.
This is why I pray not only for her strength and energy to return, but for her to wake up and realize she can't live like this anymore and needs to start physical therapy, Covid or not.
There are moments where I want to ask her if she even wants to get better and if she really is sorry for being sick.
I got Part G because I am fully covered for a major illness. My understanding is that you cannot switch from Part C to Part G if you begin to have serious health issues. Part G is the better coverage?
Extreme, gasping for breath, could not arouse from sleep, abdomen spasming.
No drugs or alcohol in urine. Getting it checked out.
Thanks for weighing in Gershun and Golden.
You are right though. Things happen for a reason including childhood experiences.
My Dad was not breathing right and my younger sister and I could not wake him. Mom was not home, so we asked a neighbor for help, thinking he was dead. His breathing settled into loud snoring, and we were taken to the neighbors home overnight.
P.S. Forgot to say Dad was drunk and passed out. Breathing was loud, gasping for air, then not breathing, then snoring.
sharyn - hope that infection clears up quickly. A lower interest rate on your cc is a good thing!!!
duck -hang in there and get that counselling. It will help! I still think of my father. and my parents' wedding anniversary a few days ago.
glad - only 2 lots showed up here, 6 kids total, and I didn't have anything to give out. It has been steadily going down for years. I used to get around 75. Glad you had fun with it. I hear you about being a recovering caregiver. We do not recover quickly.
I had a wood fire on tonight and thoroughly enjoyed it The move has slowed down. R is overwhelmed with shutting down the farm and I still have things to do and am OK with that. One step at a time.
Take care, all.
Still a recovering caregiver, seven years later.....
It takes a long time.....😢😢😢😢
Why is there still so much traffic out there?!
Sharyn l want to share that I used to get boils a lot which are similar can turn to access. Anyways so very painful.
I started wondering why I was getting them so often it was scary..I was told it was a type of genetic predisposed this went on for years very painful I soon learned techniques even ordered boil cream. Saw doc many times. Years later I realized they started when I had a lot of stress.
Also years ago one of my wise 3G's inboxes me about castile soap. Been using it ever since made a very signicsnt. Improvement.
Tg hang in there.
The 31st is my father's anniversary 42yrs. Sometimes it hits like yesterday at any given time
On that note thanks for repeatedly advising me about self talk.. it's up and down for me but better when im feeling good about my self. Still working towards counseling. Its a tad overwhelming and I kinda almost shut down and froze because all the things I was tryingto address came back to back I couldn't keep up. Pension check without taxes' lawyer reaching out retelling my issues to social workers and lawyer and the underlying stress about my visit to see my son for his promotionband Thanksgiving
Knowing it's in my head.
Anyways thank you all. Much love for you all.
This forum means a lot. I honestly think ofbyou all at every issue.
I pray you all are well. HUGS any rays of love and peace to us all.
Without insurance, which I do not have I owe the dr $1,300. I’m paying $100,00 a month. While speaking of bills, I called the bank to ask for a lower interest rate on my credit card. They agreed and cancelled my card, which was fine. Because we got a rebate from the state of Idaho. I paid the bank $4.00.00 this month. I should get the bank paid off after the first of the year with my yearly mandatory IRA
distribution and income tax return.
I will get Medicare in December this year. I’m getting Medicare advantage which is cheaper than original Medicare.
my sister is adjusting to living in Kentucky. The humidity is very bad there especially in the summer. She lived with her daughter for about :3 months before painting, new carpets and other thing in the homes she bought.
sendjng love and prayers for everyone.
Now a situation where my wife may need to retire early and there goes out insurance. 4 more years until medicare. To be honest we need her income. I can just try to sell more...... gee never thought of that.
more stress on us on top of dad living here.
Our daughter is having a baby soon so we are over the moon about that. Just the stress of not being able to get away to clear out heads without worry and having to have him looked after. Not a fan of strangers in the house, TBH not ever going to happen.
Just the planning and logistics are painful. He is using a walker now when he goes out and I think he likes it because everyone comes running to help him. Opening doors etc. I find it painful to watch as I see him at home and how mobile he is but when he is in public he becomes a cripple. He needed to use the walker and a friend who picks him up to take him to the lodge said he wouldn't unless he had one as he fell a couple of months ago. But amazing he will let people cater to him. I go the other way and make him do as much as he can within reason. Others may see me as I don't care but they don't live with him. Funny, when he is going out for food he can move like Johnny Lighting. Otherwise, he cant move a muscle.
Sorry to see you have another infection but glad it is being treated. Have you had a checkup recently? Is your blood sugar OK? I know you are on some medication, or you were anyway, to help control blood sugar.
Hope your hubs is doing better with that.
Yes, you need to look after yourself.
golden, we are budging in helping them this time. We have bailed our son out more than once even in his first marriage. Never has he paid us back. Yes eating out is expensive , like I said my hubs I have not gone out in a year or more expect for fast food
Glad, from what I understand he is getting a ride to snd from with a co worker.
everyone, part of what I see the problem being is my dil is in couceling, even with co pays etc, counseling is expensive. She has scheduled a breast reduction for February of 2023. She has all types of medical issues with chronic kidney stones, back issues. She is trying to get on permanent disability. Her dog has been called an emotional support dog so she Carrie’s everywhere. This type of dog does not need certificates or training. You can get a vest from Amazon for an emotional support dog. It is a trend. She showed me a picture today for a tortilla press I’m assuming she ordered from Amazon.
while my son is not innocent in all this, he needs to put his foot down. Stop going out to Texas Road house , stop the donuts for breakfast and eating out for breakfast. We all want to treat ourselves now and then but not weekly. He was not raised to have dinners or breakfast out this often. He does not control his fiancés well.
I’ve detached and am staying out of it. I can’t spend my life worrying about him.
I went to the dr yesterday. Another possible issue of an abcess in the groan this time. They were able to lance it this time. They told me it would not hav3 clear up on it own. I’m on an antibiotic and hopefully it will clear up without going to wound care. I don’t understsnd why this is happening to me. I can’t worry about my son.