The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, LOL! Just so that hairdresser does not try to tease my hair, or coat it with oil or spray it with hairspray, I do ok.

This is all a result of my mom subjecting me to punishment of whacking my head with a hard nylon brush while I was standing on the bathroom counter, after a bath, at about four years old. All because my hair was so tangled, she had a hard time getting through the tangles, all while I am crying. (my eyes are protruding from my skull just thinking about it!) Probably my most vivid early childhood memory. Sad, isn't it? That tow head Norwegian, thin hair is impossible for some moms to deal with. When Hair So New conditioner came out, or mom discovered it, I was in heaven! Probably about 8?

I can still see that brush. It was a clear handle, with clear bristles, and kind of a twist to the the bristle portion of the brush. I wonder if she got it from Fuller Brush as mom used to buy alot of their products.

And she hated my fine, straight, hair so much that she would take me to the beauty college for a perm when I was in elementary school. When I started junior high, she thought she would help to improve my appearance took me for another perm that was so bad, and I cried so much, she took me back the next day to have as much of it cut out as possible.

My childhood hair, really, causes me nightmares! The stuff dysfunction is made of!

Golden, you just had to ask?

GladI’mHere, I’m glad you’re there too. No closer, thanks! I found later that my younger sister had just arrived from the 4 hour car journey (to see older sister) in which YS complained about me repeatedly to the three other people in the car. When she saw me, she came very close and within a couple of minutes gave me a really hard swinging hit. Our mother was not ‘a kisser’, and YS’s DH isn’t either. I had to adjust to my own first husband’s family of cheek kissers, or give a lot of offense. I see YS about once in a couple of years, and I just forget. She may not be on air kissing terms with anyone. But she must have set it up deliberately.

Our OS had just given us both a generous gift when settling up her own husband’s estate. OS and I have both helped YS financially when appropriate over about 30 years. She clearly resents it (will tell people occasionally), rather than being grateful. I used not to believe that ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. YS may well have been extra angry with OS, but not had the guts to take it out on her rather than me. I miss losing my family, but it's hard to know what to do.

(((((sharyn))))) I hear you and understand. Arguing won't accomplish anything good. If this continues can you at some point voice your concerns about the changes in him and ask if you can help? Maybe you already have which is what got him to the dr's appointment. I am surprised after finding of blockage that they are not continuing with the stent or surgery. You are wise to have your dd as DPOA. This must be very difficult for you.

Golden, thank you. I wish it were that simple. I’m at a loss. Today he got up btw 8-8:30. I had to go to the bank and get some groceries. I went to Walmart for groceries and stopped at dollar tree in my city. I was gone about 1-1/2 hours. He was asleep on the couch. It’s now 1:45 pm and he’s still asleep. No tv on which is the weirdest thing because the tv comes on as soon as he is up.

I can’t police his diabetes without it becoming an argument between us. I am going to set up DPOA but my daughter will be mine. I can’t do it until after the first of the year. It’s all so weird since it has been sudden.

duck - thank you for sharing from your heart. It is a very tender one and needs to be guarded. I know you are working through a lot of grief these days. Here's a big cyber ((((((((hug))))))) and love 💖

Sharyn - so glad the problem is identified. No stent I gather. Hope hubs does a better job of his diet and his blood sugar.

Gershun - I don't talk to my passed LOs either though memories of them surface off and on.

Glad - how are you with hairdressers?

Margaret - your YS sounds like my sis. No matter the problems between you "Everything is fine" - till it happens again. Nothing ever gets resolved. I would doubt her view of her family too. I don't think pretending problems don't exist is healthy. I have a son who from childhood has been "different" as regards relationships in general. I have very little contact with him though we live in the same city. I have had to grieve that and accept it is what it is and I cannot change it., though I don't like it one bit!

Fall is here though still no overnight frosts. That's a first in over 40 years. Nonetheless the trees are just beginning to turn. It rained all yesterday which is good for the vegetation.

I think finally my thyroid levels are close to normal, My memory which is usually very good hasn't been as good, not that anyone else would notice, I think, but I have noticed. It's coming back which is a relief. At my age it could be due to other more problematic things.

Take care, everyone!

Margaret,

Were you trying to help your younger sister when she hit you?
She should not have hit you.
You can't talk about your grief with your sisters. Some people have no empathy for other people's pain or problems. Don't pretend the problems didn't happen. They did and you don't have to just forget about them because your sisters think everything is fine.

Margaret, I just probably would have smacked you too. I would hate it if anyone patted my head!

Sharyn, wonderful!

I talked yesterday to my younger sister, who I haven’t contacted for the last 18 months after she hit me hard on the head. She was objecting to me touching her hair, and always viewing her as the younger sister. ???

So my older sister phoned to say that YS was in hospital with COPD (a long term smoker), so I broke the silence and phoned her in the hospital. Absolutely nothing wrong from her point of view, no mention of past problems! Lots about her own family problems. I don’t think that she would tell outright factual lies, but I have no confidence in her take on ‘everyone else is wrong, I’m always right’.

What do you do? What do I do with my younger daughter, whose absence gives me so much more grief? Pretend the problems didn’t happen?

Ali, my DH has told me to do that. Still talk to my mom that is. Sometimes I come back from a day out and my first thought is I should call my mom. That was our thing. I'd always share my day with her. Especially when she became more housebound. She used to say I was her lifeline. For some reason I'm not comfortable with the idea of talking to her now. She didn't hold much stock in people contacting the dead even in that small way so I guess I still hear her voice inside my head saying that.

Sharyn, so glad there was no mini stroke and that his doc is adjusting his meds. Thanks for updating us.

Thank you to al, who expressed support and concern. We had a follow up with hubs go today. It has been narrowed down to a blood sugar issue. If it’s too high or too low it can cause the symptoms I and fsmiky members have seen. He stopped monitoring his daily sugars two years ago. Relying only on meds and A1C tests. His daily sugar tests aversge over 200. Because he takes glipizide as well as an insulin, it creates an issue if you are not mondaiky sugars. You can easily experience very low sugars or high sugars. Both of these can cause the symptoms we as a family have seen the dr is removing glipizide from his med use and increasing trulicity from .75 to 1.5 once a week. In addition since he won’t use a daily sugar meter, she is prescribing a patch he will wear for two weeks and the new meter can scan the patch to record sugars at the moment and when he comes to the dr al, he has to do is is give them the meter and they can see what going on daily. In addition his blood pressure has to come down. Average is 154/85. Lower salt diet, no packaged snack foods. Canned foods low sodium or no sodium. It will be a struggle but we will do what I can without argument. He still has to follow through with neurologist. He is already taking 4 different meds to control his blood pressure. They prefer he control wil diet rather than adding another med

Sharyn, I hope you and your hubs can find the right therapies to help him. I've been reading but didn't have any practical tips for the situation. I hope he's alright and it was a temporary crisis.

Mel, it sure sounds like you'll have to step back from any caregiving duties because you're drowning trying to accommodate everyone's needs while working full time. If you don't function well, you can't be there for your family and young child. It's ok to step back and be unavailable for now. I hope you can take a break and figure out what's reasonable to take on going forward.

TG, I read your posts here and know you're not seeking practical input. Vent away when you need to. This thread is good for that. Practice meditation, maybe? -- To find a calm center for yourself and not get too frayed and frazzled. Self-care is important.

Thank you, Golden. I hope my mom and I can move forward from here, and however imperfect a new path may be, I hope it can be better than the past. That's how I feel.

I like how you put it, Polar. It's a shift towards two adults relating to each other in the present, not a mother-daughter caught in a dysfunctional cycle. I agree.
 
Gershun, do you ever think about talking to your mom now? I still talk to my grandmother (my deceased paternal GM) sometimes. Does that sound nuts? lol It's hard to explain. If you want more closure with your mom (I've needed that with my GM) or want her close in your heart for a minute, maybe you can try this. ((((hugs))))

Thank you all for being happy I could have this moment with my mom. Getting a heartfelt apology is a luxury in these situations. There's a reason they continue and perpetuate. I've been sitting with my feelings for a week, and I feel different. There's more compassion in my heart. I don't need to prosecute my mom for past crimes, and I don't have the spare energy for that, anyway. My goal is to contribute as little as I can to the family trash pile, and I've learned enough about maintaining boundaries to protect myself from the worst of things. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, right? Find acceptance for what we can and walk forward.

I lost a post when "Windows didn't load right" came from nowhere. 😲 I hate when my laptop scares me by going black/blank. As long as it recovers...

What you said resonated with me, Duck. My mom was raised to be the carer for my GM's harsh feelings. They still have that relationship, and it's sad for me to witness it and hear about it. (Everyone tiptoes around GM's feelings and caters to her narcissism, including me, which only deepens as she ages and is in her 90s now. It's just easier that way for the short stints where I'm around her.)

It's good for me to find more compassion for my mother and understand the cycle more. This helps *me*. It also helped immensely to have, even for a moment, acknowledgment from my mother for the abusive situations in childhood and caregiving. That meant a lot to me. And if I can change my approach to my mother and be kinder and less frustrated, I think our relationship *will* change. I can be more of a friend to my mom instead of her hurt daughter. Of course, it won't be perfect because life-long roles/patterns don't disappear quickly. But I'm ready to move on emotionally.

You are worthy, Duck, of so much, including being happy and content in yourself and in your life. I hope you find more of that for yourself. We can't change anyone else. It helps to accept them (as messed up and continuously hurtful as they may be) and the profoundly flawed situations we've been raised in. Therapeutic exercises help, like practicing self-love and self-acceptance. I have to remember to forgive *myself* for reacting poorly and not being more mature about it all. (((((Hugs))))), Duck.

I hadn't been to this restaurant in quite a while sometimes the quality of food was poor and I stopped chasing the goodafter awhile. So last week I was trying to figure out what to eat. I dint feel like cooking and I was tired of my food. Going through a trial and cautious about my stomach issues. So I bought two things one from a new popular redturant I went to regularly when I had funds and I wanted a roti but I wasn't up to walking to this same one and settled for one closer that I used to go yo often but stopped because of the price and small portions. So years ago when I worked in the group homes in queens I found a fabulous roti place Indian awesome cuisine. So I go to this place and questioned about roti and learned they ordered the roti from same that same place. I was amazed so long story short the cure beef and potato filling was just what I expected but the roti the bread wrap was hard and tujf and it's also what makes a roti good its like a buttery bread wrap. Yeas ago I would make the curry chicken or beef and potatoes and buy the wrap from Ali where I went today after over a year. I saw it was crowed so still good and I wanted to share.
Any ways I am happy for you Ali. I wish I could have that with my mother. She didn't teach certain basics it was all about pleasing her and avoiding her crazy.
So yesterday I see my self rubbing her hands the sa.e way I did when I noticed a wound on her thumb from arts and crafts. I naturally started rubbing it soothing it we were on a bus. It was a natural Action to me but when she kind of moved her hand away I became conscious of how it appeared to people who were watching. It's my nature. Years down the road I became aware of a gift I was Bless with. Realizing how I am moved to this gift and how certain things are necessary for me. And it's an I intimate connection which has to be a natural respectful flow. Anyways I know that is me who I am.
Ms fix it. Ms I'm alright. Ms. Solve the world.
Who am I underneath all of that. Why can't I attend to my own issues and needs. Why do I have such anxiety when I need to do something and it's no problem to do for others. Or the anger and hurt like my family situation being uses and manipulated and hated and outcasted violated on so many levels so many times. Going through traumatic issues using making them happy and okay as a way to fix my internal chaos.
Its so crazy for me. I miss that unconditional love acceptance support and guidance.
Its highly insulting to learn or finally see how I have been used and hated at the same time for certain redeeming situations of grace. Or seeing noticing certain subtle responses to demise or later obvious perspectives of me being corrected being a quiet insult to someone. Oh I don't know how to say what's in my heart make sense.
I just know that I can't fix everything actually anything. I have to learn to leave things in God's Hands. I can't forget so many wrong things as well as the beautiful things in my life. And one being this forum and the collective essence of beauty love and God in so many of you that has blessed me in so many profound ways.
Ray of love healing and gratefulness to us all.

Much love and Hugs to you all.
Ali, I don't know why but I personally connect with your journey.
I am so glad you had the privilege of connecting to your mother.
I have always considered my mother's history I have gathered that she was spoiled raised by her grandmother. My father spoiled her. Same with my sister.
I wish I had computer to type my thoughts.
So I am actually realizing I have nothing to look forward to and my crazy need to be needed and needing someone I can be important to. I never got respect or consideration but just knowing how my qualities were counted on was enough for me. So now I have no one really. I have nothing really to look forward to not even the upcoming visit with my son for holiday and his promotion.
I have always felt like an outcast fro A child.
Anyways I am lost and lonely. Needy to mean something to someone more than whatever the benefits. The way I cherish and love so many who have impacted my life some in this forum many deceased and a few special angels.
So that self esteem issue which truly insulted me way back in earlier post which I later understood and embraced. It's like I need to be doing something for someone. Making someone happy it gives me something a bit of happiness. I bought a special sandwich a roti from a well known place and my imefiate thought was to get one for someone. Not being a fool but someone to share a goodness with. I hadn't been there

teng - try to remember it's not your dad's fault that he is getting older and sicker. However, he seems to be a selfish, self centered person and that is obviously very difficult to live with.

I'm glad you had a holiday with your wife. Hope you can get away again and hope the venting helped.

(((((berta))))) there are those that give and those that take. You are caregiving 2 people and that's too much. The others have decided not to help. They have that right, but it doesn't mean that you have to pick up the slack. I was mother's caregiver and have gone no contact with my sister since mother passed. Other have done similar so you are not alone. We have seen families where one person carries the load of several. You can't change them, but you can change you.

The needs of your mother and sister will only increase and meanwhile you are getting older and more worn out. Do you have a plan B for when this becomes too much for you? Can you meet with your family and discuss alternatives for care? I couldn't but some can.

If you say "No" no one can take advantage of you. Can you set boundaries of what you will and will not do?

You have my sympathies. It's a tough situation.

Its very difficult...I live 3 hours from my mother and yet drive home every week to care for her...I have an older brother and sister who have made it obvious they do not want to help and live 5 minutes from her...I also take care of my disabled sister who also has a son 5 minutes from her...do I have a sign across my forehead that says Take Advantage of Me...it's now getting to the point that when my mother passes I want nothing more to do with any of them...I'm tired of being tired, anger and resentful...???

I get whooshing occasionally when I wake up. It's related to dehydration. I learned that from the CFS forum A few mouthfuls of water and it's quickly gone.

gershun - if it was just the "olds" for me I would be OK. I was recovering from too much activity when R was here and then started doing squats again and I figure that's what that knocked me back down. I have to restrict myself to only a few a day - spaced out. Thing is, I wake up some mornings feeling energetic and then do too much and pay for it.. Sometimes, like earlier this summer, I can do lots and stay fine. Wish I knew the secret to that.

Of course some mornings it's brain fog till the afternoon and I'm not good for much except very simple tasks. During brain fog I find eating a little at a time every few hours, some movement (can hardly call it exercise) and letting go of any stress, and a few cups of tea may help. At least I get very little FM pain these days for which I am very thankful.

Have you tried deep breathing exercises for the anxiety? Sometimes anxiety can go along with a CFS flare up. I have found deep breathing helpful.

Whoosh ear. It's a thing apparently.

Often exained as tinnitus, but it is not.

My DH recently had pulse sounds in ear, then this whoosh ear thing. Dr sent for neck artery scan. Clear luckily - maybe a smaller vein was narrow?? Chol was up ☹️

Now gone, but a little scary.

Sharyn, hope your DH ok 🙏

Correct Glad. I hope it helps

I know I have tension in my neck. I will give that a try. And the vitamin B good for the brain, too, right?

Glad, I've suffered from tinnitus. I feel your pain. Have you ever tried Lipoflavanoid. It's a supplement mostly consisting of B vitamins but it helped me a bit. I can find it at most drug stores here in Vancouver. Plus in my case I have neck problems which aggravates my ears too. I find if I can somehow relax my neck muscles it also helps with the tinnitus.

Wooshing in ears? What about tinnitus that seems to be unrelenting and driving me nuts!

Golden, sorry you are having issues. Someone referred to problems of seniors as having a case of the "olds"

I'm only 60 and lately I've been feeling off. Having morning anxiety which starts the day off bad and brain fog too. Sometimes I feel detached like Scotty from Star Trek beamed me into a place and I don't know what I'm doing there. I did discontinue Prozac recently, keeping in mind I weaned myself off of it very slowly and wasn't taking much to begin with, so not sure if it's what's causing the problem. I recently had all my blood work done and all looked fine except my cholesterol is slightly high and my iron is in the low normal range. The Dr. suggested I might start taking an iron supplement so I might start that and see if it makes any difference.

Sharyn, my mom had clogged arteries in her neck. She said she could sometimes hear a whooshing sound in her ears because of it. I think one side was 80% blocked. I hope your husband can get this taken care of.

MeIBailey, I second what Golden said. She is one of the smartest cookies on here so I'd listen to her advice.

MelBailey - Welcome. That's much too much for you. Seems like it is time for POA brother to find someone else to do the work you have been doing. Caregivers have to look after themselves. I am with your husband. Your child and the two of you must come first. You have done what you could. Please say "No" to more and please take care of yourself.

(((((sharyn))))) thank goodness your hub went to the appointment
and thank goodness the medical people are getting a handle on what's happening before it gets worse. Please keep us updated. Prayers for you and your family.

Dd is happy to be home and seemed a little better (more energy) last time I saw her a few days ago. Her hair is growing in, though still very short but she wears that (style?) well.

I'm very low on energy -CFS no doubt and probably lingering effects of low thyroid still. I read that it takes 4-6 weeks to catch up (thyroid) but maybe longer if your are over 65. Well, let me tell you that I don't like being lumped in with all seniors. There is a big difference between 65 and 85. I'm getting towards the ancient rather than being in the senior bracket. I don't look it but sometimes I feel it. Oh well, there are many with CFS worse than me. Still slowly progressing with the house. R will come up again in a while and when he is finished his work here we should be ready to put it up for sale. Meanwhile some days it is a struggle to get the daily stuff done, never mind anything extra like closets. That is not age but CFS. I've had it worse than this years ago where getting the top off a jam jar was almost impossible, and making a bed was only possible with help. I haven't been that low since thank goodness..

Take care all!

Thank you all for the help, glad, golden polar. Everyone We are pursuing it according to what we have been. Possibly he needs surgery k arteries stents or a bypass on the arteries on his neck. I have made a follow up appt with a dr for Monday. Again not his regular dr hopefully the nurse will be here who see him often. This is the problem in Idaho as drs do not have private practice like California. You have to see different drs.

Sharyn,, good luck! Glad you got him to go!

I took hubs to the dr. They sent us to ER. CT scan of head and neck on showed a lot of cholesterol build up in his neck arteries. All other tests were negative. They have referred him to a neurologist for an MRI.

Does anyone else just want to cut yourself off from everyone? My mother had a stroke several years ago and went blind. My half-brother whom I have always had a strained relationship with because I am like 25 years younger has POA. More recently my mother has developed dementia. I live 30 mins away and had been staying with my mother every other weekend. Currently my sister-n-law is in the hospital and I now have to do every weekend. I only agreed on the hope that it keeps them from asking me to do anything during the week as I cannot take responsibility over my mother because I have to work full time and I have a 10 year old daughter. If if wasn't for my mother I would be finished. My husband wants me to be done now. I am beyond stressed to the point where I can't sleep or eat.