notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Since then a fall with alt mental status broke a dog gate and had to call my fire department to pick him up. 2 weeks later comes in the house and cannot ambulate properly, after checking vitals determined alt mental status, hence 3 days in the hospital and UTI. A fun-filled evening of 3 guys having to pick him up off the toilet, and full-scale bathroom cleaning after.
Back to Dr visits, in-home PT/OT. Then he is going out to church, lodge, and lunches with his friends so I canceled PT.OT because he is not homebound. But he played the game when they were here, "I exercise, I feel OK very tired" oh yeah he plays it up well like when he is around my sibling. When it's time for breakfast or lunch out with people he is like Johnny lighting down the stairs.
He won't make himself breakfast but will eat whatever dessert we have out or if we make food for him. I refuse to cook breakfast and lunch, he has thrown what I make in the trash before so that ship sailed. The other day didn't eat anything until 4 PM then it was sugar on toast..... when asked by his granddaughter isn't that a lot of sugar "that's the way I like it".
Have to do his laundry now as it piles up for weeks, so we do so my house doesn't smell too much worse.
Last night I called upstairs for my wife and he answers If I call his name he won't answer until the 4th time. This AM he's waiting for his ride and I have to call him. He loves to be waited on. That is my frustrating part.
I buy him his ensure and zero water and whatever he needs and not as much as a thank you. His grandchildren come to the house and he won't come out to even say hi, but if I get someone to stop by he is right out in the middle and sits down at the table. The only grandchildren of all his that even talk to him, one sits with him at church.... nothing.
My mom's anniversary of her passing was this month and he never even says her name anyway or even mentions her, but he could surely send his lady friend flowers for her birthday that day.
I am not sure where all this stems from. I'm burned out and exhausted. I know could be much worse and someday it will be. Others have it so much worse than I do. Just venting here. Before you say it there is no plan B unless full-scale NH. No way to have him someplace else at this time. .............. Long time listener.
I'm just tired
It sounds like he should not be driving alone and definitely not into Boise or any distance.
since Labor Day weekend(specifically on Sunday), my hubs has been sleeping excessively. His brother was here and noticed it. He is slooooow in responding, slooow in walking, seems to not be comprehending all I say to him. My daughter has noticed it, my son in love noticed it. He did not wake up to get trash out last week and again this week. He has been laying in bed for hours, commonly until early evening.
im going to call his dr tomorrow (Thursday). I think he needs an MRI and/or possible med tweaking. The MRI would be to rule out possible TIA’s since he has had a mild stroke in the past and twice he has talked jibberish to me making no legible sense.
yesterday he asked me if I would go to Boise with him to help him find a business he needed to go to. Normally my hubs is very confident and would not ask for my help.
I am concerned something is not right. Has anyone experienced this with a loved one. Any info will be appreciated.
Good for you for having the courage to broach sore topics. I'm happy for you.
Some of you know a bit about my family dynamics, but I'm going to put some details down to share my feelings in the larger picture.
It's rare for me to talk with my 72yo mom. After high school/college, I ran out of my home situation and moved to a city 2k miles from where I grew up. Then ten years ago, I naively cornered myself by caregiving for my dad in his home, which is close to where I grew up, and I was viscerally reminded of why I had wanted AWAY from my family and how it felt to be trapped as a kid. My anger and resentment came back, and it felt like emotional waterboarding.
Present day and five years post-caregiving: My nephew is getting married next month. This prompted a call from mom Sunday night, and she mentioned the date as significant because her marriage to my dad was exactly 50 years on that wedding date. She said the coincidence meant some divine blessing for her. I'd had a long day at work on Sunday and didn't handle this well.
I dryly said something about not jinxing the date by associating it with a marriage that lasted three years and produced as many children who grew up in chaos, pointing out that her marriage to my dad wasn't a blessing for *everyone.* She became defensive, I doubled down, we argued, I put in a parting shot with a "goodbye" and ended the call.
I knew I was in the wrong. I took a minute to think about what I want to do differently in our relationship. I texted her an apology; she texted me back, then I picked up the phone and called her back, ready to be kind.
We talked for an hour or so late into Sunday night about the present-day and some stuff from my childhood and the caregiving years. It was a friendly discussion. One event that came up was something that happened in my teen years and has always been such a painful memory. I was the victim of a crime, and my mother slapped me around afterward and told me it was my fault. Oof. Ow. Ouch. Terrible stuff. But we chatted about a bunch of things, including that, and we ended our chat. It was ok. I was emotionally reeling a little, but it was good to talk to her about all this.
She called me again on Monday and started cautiously asking more about that hurtful event. She's never done that before; she's usually defensive about my perspective on the past (or worse, she's accusatory), which can set me off and reduce my emotional regulation to dust. But she was asking, so I told her some things she didn't know, leading to a couple more hours of talking about dysfunctional bygones and listening to each other's experiences. (And laughing about the bullies in our family. Lol. We agree on who the bullies are.)
And for the first time, my mother said that I "definitely had it worse" than she did when she was growing up (though there was plenty of verbal abuse in my mom's childhood home, and - as an example of what my cruel GM is capable of - my GM cut off both my mom's and her twin sister's hair to shame them when they were teens, more than once.).
It's not about keeping score; I don't care who "had it worse." But it lightened my heart a little to hear my mom say this in the context of a conversation where she was hearing me and not deflecting blame.
My mom apologized for that time when I was a teen, and she told me she'd been assaulted at 17yo and couldn't tell my GM because she knew GM would blame her.
I'd never heard that story. And it impressed on me that parents mishandle situations with their kids after having dysfunction modeled for them in their youth. Of course, that is part of it -- the cycle of dysfunction. And it reminds me of what an old-timer on AC used to say about sorting through the family trash pile and picking out what's yours.
My mom took ownership of some of her contributions to the pile, and that feels really good. 🙏😌
I relived the fear and rush to ho help people. Then the coughing daily and almost dying years later from exposure to the toxic air. Also memories of people telling stories hearing people calling for help as they died.
The fear and panic from the demolition of an unstable building and the roar of people running for safety.
I will ever forget that day and how my life and health changed.
My heart goes out to the lost ones and their families and those who died from exposure there.
My ex who was with FDNYEMS and died from lung cancer working to find people who might be alive in the rubble.
It always make me think of fallen military my son and those who risk there lives for this country and the poor veterans who are homeless and suffering from exposure to tragedies.
I will be in a way until these thoughts wear down.
THank you for caring and kind thoughts
I was upstairs getting ready for work and was watching a station on the TV that was filming something showing the towers and saw the planes crash into them. The reporters were aghast, For a moment it was hard to believe that it happened.
Dear Golden I am glad your daughter is maintaining well.
I can imagine the stess of packing.
Wishing you all the best.
Wow! A teacher no wonder. I know your students cherish you in their memories.
I flex through stages and each one can have on brink of tears. It's an emotional rollercoaster dealing with my present life situations.
Hordinary you all in my heart and prayers.
Ray of love and healing to us all.
(((((((glad))))) I think it is good you let out the years of frustration. It likely won't change her but it has done you good to express your feelings and be real to her. A lot of the dysfunction seems to center on money, doesn't it? You were not treated fairly - AT ALL!!! But they are happy to use you. I am glad you are finding uses for all that precious fabric. I gather you enjoy sewing. Your mum really was a talented lady. Deep breaths...
Dd has her last 2 radiations next week and will be home by the end of the week and looking forward to it. She has pretty severe fatigue (still had chemo fatigue going into this) but hardly any burns from the radiation which is a blessing. We will have a lunch date after she rests up from the trip home.
Still making progress with house stuff - it's slow but it is happening. I keep finding more of mother's stuff. Opened an old trunk my grandfather made that I had stored in the garage and it was full of writings, address books, albums etc. I didn't go through them this time. Dgs took a couple of things and the rest got tossed. With the work sil and dgs did the other day, the garage is comparatively empty.
Kind of important to not leave that out.
Vent ahead
Got email from auntie dearest yesterday to ask me to send a blanket to my cousin. The fabric of this blanket was designed and manufactured to mom's specs. She once had a business that thrived for a number of years until she developed dememtia. She had coats sewn of the fabrics, Jane Fonda had one that was pictured in People magazine! After that mom's business exploded.
Well there is lots of fabric left so I am blanket stitching them to sell as lap robes.
Well auntie dearest got a vent that I have had building for many years. I told her I would not do to him what twisted sissies did to me. Asked her if she knew twisteds split all of mom's jewelry and that I wanted one item, her wedding ring and in order to get it I had to pay for it.
Also asked her if she knew that mom bought the grandfather clock because she wanted it to be an heirloom and for me to have it. Well, it was put in the estate sale and I was told I would have to buy it I did. There was also a piano that ts2 has, my bet is she didn't pay for it.
I told her to give me his address and I would send a blanket along. No response from her, her DENIAL, my sissies are such wonderful human beings, how could they do that to me?!
So, I contacted my cousin, got his address with a box ready to be shipped tomorrow.
Dysfunction, gotta love it!
All my 3 G's and so many others.
It brings tears hearing others going through the same pain and struggles.
There are some posts; and I find it so amazing are a blessing to me. Seeing my self and the same programing, issues and pain.
JEan, Chef Burnt I totally relate.
My growth has been very painful. Still is.
I don't know how to say this but I turned to God at an early age around the time my mother said she despised me and I looked up the word despise.
I do know for sure that God has always and is still working in my life and growth.
True evidence is the fact that I was led to this forum.
Divine intervention.
A lot has been transpiring in my life.
Same and similar issues I see in posts.
I wish I could reach out and offer advice.
In my own struggles I have found so much strength and wisdom here.
I thank God for you all for every inkling of sharing. Seeing myself through others. Seeing the same people being an instrument of the higher power towards my healing
And growth doing the same for others.
One thing I find as a common denominator is the beauty and goodness of heart.
I have so much more to share. Issues with this guardianship for my mother and how they have control of her assets receiving her pension so not paying any bills. Not able to reach them' no response or call back two of my mother's case Manger are no longer there and then I learned the supervisor is no longer ther and I get an answering service when I call during business hours.
I am stressed and reaching out for legal intervention. Grateful for the insight and perspectives that guide me towards the proper channels that give me options toward resolving my concerns.
I have always been on a quest for things that can help my health issues and anxiety.
So now I have discovered Matha tea. It seems to help definitely for my anxiety. Also clarity. It's weird how I feel comfortable in accepting the plethora of my limitations.
(((HUGS ))) and healing to us all.
i wish us luck :). one always needs some luck in life :).
glad - it doesn't go away does it as long as you have contact because they don't change. I am glad you had validation from APS and the courts and L was supportive.
burnt -wow -great letter. I know you are in the middle of it and also looking at what changes you can make. There comes a time to accept that your life is worth every bit as much as anyone else's and you don't owe anyone your peace of mind or your health or your finances.
duck - I think it is a very big thing to accept that your mother doesn't need you to survive. She is cared for by others and you need your energy for yourself - to look after you. That's not selfish - looking after yourself is wise.
gershun - your inner child is beautiful and hurting from many things in the past. Give her all the care and compassion you give others.
sharyn - sorry about your brother. You are right that it is best for both of them.
stacey - you are in a very difficult situation. At this point your mum can spend her money where she wants to. Hoarding is a tough one. Please don't enable your bro like your mum is by paying any bills for him etc. And please, in all of this, look after yourself first. It sounds to me that your mm should be paying for help in her house and garden, You can only do so much before your health is affected. Do you have POA?
jeanelf - it's a pretty intolerable situation. I totally agree with you that family counselling would be useless. My sis is a narc too and nothing will change her. She loved the criticize me all her life so finally, since mother died, I have gone no contact. How you are being treated is NOT OK! The thing is that neither your mother nor your sister are going to change. "I need to find a way out of this..." You do need to find a way out of this. Many of us have been brainwashed. Mother didn't die till she was 106 and I was over 80. I don't want to see you going through this another 20 years.
chef I am so sorry you lost your beloved cat. They are such good companions. Looking after all for mum is a very heavy burden, even when she is in an NH Over three years after mother passed I am still recovering. My own paperwork got left behind as I put mother's needs first. We care about your struggles. Post any time.
((((((((Hugs)))))))))to everyone. 🤗🤗🤗
We do have choices as adults but we didn't as children, and our adult choices are very affected by our childhood inability to remove ourselves from the abuse. We were trained to be the servant child. And it is a very hurtful position to be in. Our needs and feelings were never met or validated and it is hard to fight against the expectations which have been planted in us.
I felt my BPD narcissistic mother and sister never really knew me. They fashioned in their minds the "me" that suited their purposes. It certainly didn't serve my purposes well and I am still healing from that.
We see on this thread, and others, the lack of concern from parent(s) and siblings and their outright hostility towards us. And it affects us deeply.
This resonated with me. -
"With time, you’ll come to see that the frantic, broken, anxious, unhinged version of you was nothing to be ashamed of. You were simply a kind-hearted person reacting to a very unkind situation."
Your story resonates with me and so many of us here. Namaste because my soul recognizes yours because it is the same.
The gaslighting snideness from the parent we caregive for, the siblings who do nothing, the burnout, and the out-of-pocket it actually costs us.
Many of us, myself included are PAYING to be enslaved and treated like a pile of steaming crap.
No one in your family will go to counseling and they are not going to change. In fact, I would be much surprised if any of them are even able to admit to themselves privately that how they treat you is wrong.
Your mother will never validate you. My mother will never validate me either. We can't change anyone.
Here's what we CAN change:
1) How we respond to the abuse and gaslighting or whether or not we respond to it at all.
2) What our boundaries are and how we will defend those boundaries regardless of how anyone may feel about that.
3) How to make our own definition of guilt. (I have zero guilt over any of my abusive mother's suffering. Everything and anything I do for her is a gift because I owe her nothing).
4) We can choose when we decide to stop caregiving. In many cases we just have to walk away and let the chips fall where they may. Other family either steps up and takes over or the state has to. Either way we have to let it go. Sometimes it's a tough choice to make but the caregiver is the one who chooses when to stop.
I'm going to tell you the God's honest here my friend and I hope for your sake you can do it.
Place your mother. If she is beyond the caregiving offered in an assisted living facility, put her in a nursing home.
I would never insult you or any person in a bad caregiving situation by saying it was your choice and you chose to be the caregiver. You did not chose to give up your life and be enslaved to your mother's neediness. You did not choose abuse from her and your siblings. You did not choose to be treated like a piece of garbage who is then expected to provide loving and compassionate care with a smile. **** that. No one chooses that.
You do have a choice though. You can walk away and should. You did the best you could by your mother and now it's time for you to reclaim your life.
Your sister and brother will either have to grow up and step up, or mom will at some point become a ward of the state. Let them take over now. No more for you.
gladimhere--I am also the oldest. Sister is two years younger and brother is 13 years younger. He never had to step up and do a thing in his life. Now he's 50 and still does nothing. "Don't tell him--he's fragile and will get upset. It'd be too much for him." What? But it's not too much for me who is a cancer survivor, all alone with no kids or support and lost my husband to suicide? Sister has always been this way--hates that she was born second. UGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Anyway, thank you both so much. You really made me feel so much better this morning because it is so good to be heard and so good to have someone take your feelings seriously. Best to you. x
Thanks for that! That is a new one for me.
Jean, how many siblings are there? Just you and narc sis? There were three of us, I am the oldest. Twisted sissie #1 is a malignant narc, bipolar (I believe that woman can cry at the drop of a hat), drama queen, was mom's fav; TS #2 is also a narc, but less than TS#1.
Consider Burnt's letter addressed to you, from me.
In my family we had all of the above and then some. My mom is deceased but when she was alive it was kind of expected of me to be mom's caregiver cause I was childless, wasn't working etc. etc. And don't get me wrong. I adored my mom. I would have done anything for her. What galled me was my siblings response to it all. When my mom became elderly and sick none of them seemed to really care. They all assumed that I would do everything but piped up when they thought it wasn't done right. Brother would visit mom, all shiny faced, like here I am, the golden boy, what more does mom need. I think he came by once with frozen pizzas and a bag of tomatoes for her. Then he'd phone me and say, "mom looks like she hasn't brushed her teeth in weeks, what are you going to do about it" Or say things like "well, it's obvious I'm mom's favorite" then laugh like he was just kidding when I knew he meant it.
When it came to the decision to stop all life saving measures guess who the only sibling out of 6 siblings was there to make the decision with no input from anybody. Yeah, you guessed it. Me!
This is not acceptable behavior anyways but given the fact my mom was a saint, who brought up 7 children all by herself after losing my dad to cancer, after having breast cancer herself, with nary a complaint and still my sibs did nothing.
The resentment lingers but I need to remind myself on a nearly daily basis that the resentment is hurting me. They could care less. They go on their merry way.
I wish I had great advice to offer. All I can say is give yourself all the recognition you don't get from your sister etc. I believe in karma. She'll get what's coming to her in the end or maybe even sooner.