The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Just checking in.
I am comming around somewhat. I've beenhere before many times and it Hurts like hell.
SharynM thanks for the kind thoughts.

I had my WTC annual assessment which is traumatic each time. When I am in a place that is part of and reminds me of how my life changed for the worst and emotional trauma.
Anyways I gratefully accepted the referral to case management for counsel

Send he is only at this time not taking his insulin injections. He eats what he wants, he buys those cinnamon rolls that come in a container like dinner rolls by pillsbury, everyday for him and our grandsons. He will let our grandsons have popcorn for breakfast or lunch. I step in and insist the boys have some protein if they want to go out and play. Lol! I feel like I’m teaching 3 children how to eat right. I’m too old to monitor a grown adult. My patience is fine with two 7 year olds but if I have to argue with an adult…. You get it.

Send, my hubs problem is he thinks he is invisible. Yes in many ways he is like is father where he is giving up. He has controlled what we eat since he had a stroke back in 2013-2014. Since then he wants nothing but junk to eat. I have given up fighting him and many nights I just won’t eat dinner which is not good for my health either. I am tired of canned chili and hot dogs, pot pies, hungry man dinners. He figured out it is cheaper to eat out than to cook at home he wants the cheap way but spends lots of money on entertainment for tv with with subscribing to all the these different apps. I give up

I have not been doing so well for the last week. My mother has a cold and has really been doubling down on the verbal abuse and hysterical fits. I think soon we will have to consider placement because I am so done.
I very rarely lose my temper but today I did. I asked if she wants to go to her grave making sure that I hate her. I told her that there isn't people lined up at the door just waiting for the honor of emptying and cleaning her commode full of piss and sh*t five and six times a day. Or cook her meals. Or clean her house. Or run her errands. Or take her to appointment after appointment.
I'm done with being treated like less than a piece of garbage. With actual garbage, it's simply thrown away and that's the end of it. No one bothers to torment or abuse it. No one berates or bullies it either.
I prefer my mother to treat me like garbage because it would be an improvement. I ignore her as best I can and await the day when I walk away.
I try to keep in mind that you change those things within your power to change. To accept that which is beyond your power to change, and to have the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes that's hard to live by. Thanks for the rant.

It is concerning SharynMarie.
If my husband becomes anymore like his Dad, instead of the dear, sweet, kind person that he is, then something must be done.
Husbands can be a pain at times, I get that.

Keep an eye on him, right? He may just need a little extra help for a time.

Send, I’m so sorry this is what you have to go through. Why do hubsand have to make life so difficult, I talk with my bil, he said my hubsand, his brother is just like their dad was. As of today, my hubs has no issue with giving me or his daughter authority to talk with his dr or him talking with my dr. I’m just very concerned.

SharynMarie,
There is no HIPPA or POA, or DPOA assigned by my husband.
If he refuses to allow me to be informed, involved in his health care, then I withdraw ALL SUPPORTIVE services that 1) I am providing; and 2) I am taking responsibility for arranging for him. We are often both on the phone talking to his health care providers, him giving me permission each time.

This includes cooking and preparing his meals (which he can do for a short term), but not for long.

People can talk about a person's rights to refuse care, to make their own choices, to be self-determined-and I go along with that as long as he is not a danger to himself or others. I have to live with him. Self-inflicted neglect is really not allowed because it affects me if he does not care.

No one is dying on my watch. Call me names, it's okay.
Disclaimer: My answer is for SharynMarie, in her situation, in her age group, in her home, in her husband's condition. It will not apply to every caregiver, nor to every diabetes patient, nor to every situation. I am certainly not an expert on diabetes, but others are. So, don't call me names, on second thought.

Is there other medication, or food that he is neglecting to take and eat?

Hey e er yo e, it’s been one thing after another lately. My hubs has fallen twice in the combo shower tub since April. He has also fallen twice in the front yard doing yard work. I found out today from him after a dr appointment that he stopped taking his insulin injections daily as well as not monitoring his daily glucose. Yes, I’m concerned.


I have scheduled an appointment for next Monday, July 25 for us to sign papers allowing both of us rights to discuss health issues with our drs as well as our daughter.

what is he thinking to not take care of himself.}. His brother told me he is just like his dad.

any suggestions are appreciated

dDuck, you are in my thoughts snd prayers. Please do some research and the advice given here. Sending my love and thoughts to you❤️❤️❤️

My new dil has deeps issues with her mother. Her mother is in a facility she pays for but she expects to be treated like a queen just because she pays for it. She is not mentally incapacitated and what she pays for does not include laundry service. She does not believe she should have to do her own laundry.

I told my dil to at least research detaching with love.

Hi, just reporting in on what I'm learning about trauma recovery in therapy. Maybe, this will help someone.

Sometimes in trauma recovery, some things we used to be interested in shut down and we may find ourselves confused. That’s normal.

Be patient and gentle with yourself.

Life can get weird for a while before things start to clear up. Try not to second-guess your reactions: allow them to pass through and get to know the emotions behind the reactions.

There's often a lot of pain, grief and anger stirring. One might lose whatever sense of humour one has too, for a while."

Often enjoyable and a typical part of life things become understood as being a self-medicating, self-soothing tool. People self-medicate through substance or alcohol use, “retail therapy”, becoming work-aholics, etc. Some ways of medicating are just more socially acceptable than others.
 
As you heal your person, the physiological need to self-medicate lessens.

Yes thank you Barb. You are right I have a life time of negative voices in my head.
Now with chronic hip pain getting worse and flares up more often I get depressed wonder how long I have andvhoww sad it is to limp to work and home.in pain.
Choices... decisions...
Alone... I am work in progress. Whew!! I know there are people caring heavier loads. You're all in my heart and prayer.. so glad for this forum

Duck, consider that the voices that tell you that you are undeserving of love have had decades to hone their messages and to aim their arrows. And they have strength in numbers.

The voices that tell you that you are smart, caring, self-sufficient and worthy of a good life are onfants by comparison. They have few defenses against those older and better-developed bullies.

Get some Post It notes. Write good thoughts (one per note) and post them somewhere where you'll see them every day!

Thank you all for the prayers. I woke up and felt so much better and I had to make a point to drop in and say thanks. Yes these moments are crazy. I seldom pray on bended knee but there are times I am compelled to do so like especially yesterday.
So when I woke candy thought of all I needed to do I thought of the walk to the supermarket and how much slower I've been walking I decided to lay Baytown and chill. I really appreciate you all. I really want to say love you all. Thank You!!! Still there working my way back.

Big (((((hugs)))) from me too, duck. You are worthy, You are valuable, You are deserving of love. Right now you are hurting - understandably. I know those old thoughts and feelings too. They are not my friends.
eart
Prayers for physical and emotional healing, 🙏🙏🙏 💖💖💖

(((((Hugs)))), good thoughts and prayers, Duck. We care. We accept you and love you as you are.

Of course I'll pray for you Duck. I'm sorry you are having a bad time. I have a hard time controlling my thoughts too Duck. My self talk has always been an issue for me. I've always been very hard on myself. It sounds like you are too.

I try to pray and turn my problems over to the Lord. When I do this I always get this feeling of self love which I know is the acceptance of God.

But I do struggle. Life and it's worries gets in the way and then I forget about God and try to rely on myself again which makes everything worse. It's this constant battle. If I lived in a vacuum with no other people or the world getting in the way it would be easier.

Hang in there Duck!

Well I lost my post Iguassu for the better been crying and sad and lonely about everything thing the old thoughts trigger same . So tired of being Ms.OKAY and knowing how deeply I been fooling myself. Wishing I could be normal or just plain accepted and appreciated just for who I am. I my self protective measures mostly no longer work. I'm older constant hip pain an so much unresolved trauma. Please pray for me.

Louise4,

Who has POA for mom and has she ever been formally diagnosed with dementia and declared mentally incompetent by a doctor?
This is important. I have no idea why the social worker on the scene does not understand that mom is incompetent and has some kind of dementia.
For your sanity please get a POA in place and start looking at some alternative living arrangements for her.
If she's delusional and peeing in a closet, then it's probably time to look into placement in the appropriate care facility to meet her needs.
Whether or not your SIL agrees with this is neither here nor there. Unless she wants to take her to live in her house and she can become her 24/7 caregiver and babysitter.

Thank you everyone for your caring and supportive advice. So to catch up on what has been happening.

Two weeks ago my SIL told Mom she was "kidnapping" her to spend 3 days with her at her place with her and her x-hubby. According to Soc worker, there is nothing I can do. So..Friday night I had all of Mom's things packed food and clothes. I warned SIL about about Mom's dementia, incontinence, delusions... she would not listen to me...she thought she knew it all and I was just a terrible person.

Sat morn, she took Mom 2 hrs away to a prison where she was visiting her son. She had her dtr pick up Mom from the prison, to bring Mom to her dtr's place so she could see the new baby. Which left mom scared and confused. Later that day, SIL returned home (to her place) with mom to relax and watch movies.

That night mom kept wandering around looking for the bathroom, peed in her closet, and was delusional.

Sunday am early, Hubby got a call asking him to come get Mom. - 1 hr away. When hubby picked her up, Mom was very delusional, confused, scared, exhausted...
It literally took a week to get Mom back to a less agitated state of mind.

A week later SIL decided she had to come over and spend time with Mom.
She arrived Friday night. We had BBQ ribs, so we saved her some.. everyone used paper plates... easy - no drama.

Saturday am, I got up at 5 as is usual to do my normal cleaning.
I thoroughly mop all the floors under and behind all furnishings, do laundry, etc. while mom is asleep so she doesn't become confused or agitated.

This Sat morning, they got up late and she was hanging out with mom. Mom and SIL wanted their hair French braided, so I stopped cleaning and did that. I made sure Mom had all her meds, protein shake, electrolytes, and water for the day.

Then I hear SIL tell someone she and mom had not yet eaten because I had not yet fixed their breakfast. This was around 11 am. They had just gotten up an hour or so ago and Mom doesn't eat for a least an hour and a half after taking her meds. That irritated me, but I let it go.

Sunday, Hubby and I got up early as usual to get my office converted from the storage room to a functional office space. We had an order for new DSL lines to be installed this week.. This was our only day to get things done...

5 hours into the project and she's wondering when I am going cook. I advised her she would need to cook as I did not have time. She was not happy, but cooked for herself and Mom.

Finally around 5 or 6 that night, I serve a Roast Beef dinner (love my Insta-Pot), then hubby and I crash on the couch, I'm starting to fall asleep when SIL invites her dtr and family to come over, but doesn't tell me about it.

At 8:30 pm SIL's Dtr shows up bringing her 3 children + 1 baby and proceeds to feed her children a plate of tuna fish for dinner - not even a sandwich...just the tuna slopped on a paper plate...

Well, fortunately, I had cooked enough for 2 meals for our family, so I gave it to the children. The mother also wanted a bowl, so I gave her one. - I could not sit back and not feed the kids something. They are so skinny as it is.

Anyway, around 9:30 pm. I hugged my MIL and told her I was going to bed. I was tired. (Since Hubby was there, he stayed up with them.)
SIL tells Mom I didn't go to bed because I was tired... I went to bed because I was *angry* that her kids came over without telling me. That was irriating.

Fortunately, Mom's memory is getting worse and she doesn't remember.

Dealing with dementia is as hard on the patient as it is the caregiver. They are losing their cognitive function. It's embarrassing having to be helped to get dressed, or helped to take a shower, or be walked to the bathroom, and then not making it, and needing assist. to get a shower or get cleaned up.

Mom doesn't even know what medicines she has to take. Hubby gets her meds for the week ready every Sun.

I could use some advice on what activities to get her involved in

PaulC53,

I know exactly what you're dealing with, brother. I've been there myself and am still currently there. I'm leaving though. I'm not giving my abusive, dysfunctional mother anymore of my life to destroy with her negativity, neediness, and misery. She's gotten enough from me already and she's on her own. Either my do-nothing sibling steps up and takes the responsibility or the state does, but either way I'm done. I refuse to die a martyr on Caregiver Hill. 'F' that. Seriously.
In fact, she was trying to get a fight going with me just today and when her attempts failed to get the desired result she started lashing out at me. I got right in her face because I want to be plainly understood and told her that she has no idea the level of indifference that I'm capable of, and that her lashing out will only result in me not lifting a finger to aid her in any way for the rest of her life. I am leaving the hellhole I grew up in and went back to because I've reconciled with my ex-husband.
Let me tell you something. You being overweight at 288 pounds does not mean you can't have a girlfriend. My ex-husband got back together with me when I weighed in at over 250. When we married I looked like swimsuit model. He helped me lose almost 80 pounds over the last year.
My friend, your mother needs to get cognition testing for dementia done. There has to be a formal diagnosis because when there is, things can be handled much differently.
Then start looking into moving away from her. Your life can't get better while the two of you live together. There is no way it can inprove. It's like planting seeds in a pot. You might use the best soil available and water it regularly, but if you deprive it of light and warmth it will not grow.
Neither will you. Get away from your mother. If that means facility placement, then you and your sister have to discuss that. If it means homecare, look into that.
You are miserable living with her. You deserve better than to have such a life. I know what your life is like and it's time for you to take it back. You are more important than your mother. She is elderly and has lived her life. You are not. Please don't deprive yourself of having a life because you deserve one.

Send, the 4th can be very hard on our pets. My two young kitties were very anxious by all the noise.

thanks everyone regarding the cellulitis. I did go to wound care. I’m instructed to continue doing what I have been doing and keeping it covered with a gauze pad for another couple weeks.

I’m alone with my Mom in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment and I weighed 288 lbs the other day. I can’t believe it. That depression or stress could make me gain that much weight and I know that I’m pre diabetic. I need to exercise and do cardio. My Mom is 90 years old and I have no help besides my older Sister and she brings food for her and desserts because my Mom loves sweets and Martinis. She drinks coffee and isn’t deprived from being here. No nursing home would be this good. Well as for me it could be worse but it could be better. My 55th Birthday is July 15th and I have given my best effort being her Caregiver. Never again will I be a Caregiver. It’s a killer. She’s got dementia but she isn’t going to be diagnosed. The physical therapists say she’s ok and she really isn’t. It’s this whole shroud. Denial. I don’t have a girlfriend and no kids. So if I make it past 70 I don’t know what to expect. I sometimes feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

Almost posted this in the jokes section.. LOL Got my birthday card from SIL and BIL,, late again for the last many years... a generic one you get free in the mail. So this year hers is similar,, but she will get it in plenty of time as I am organized and do all my cards for the month at once and mail them a week before. As the WV home is now ours and I knew the insurance would not be renewable by us as FILs name was on it, we had gone ahead and gotten a new policy. When we got back from our trip she mailed the old policy renewal and bill to us.. late of course, Passive Agressive much? Hubs has not really spoken to BIL since the trust and properties got finalized after much stalling on BILs part. Can't say I mind a bit.

Hey all. The forth was cool. I was not traumatized by the noise. I ran into an old gentleman from neighborhood Today. He moved in to senior housing a d loved it. Said he could turn one way and observe fireworks at Hudson River and turn other way d see the fireworks in coney Island. I relived that beauty in his amazement. I am sure it's more beautiful over years.
I am holding on to counting or rather acknowledging my blessings. The perspective is working for me.
To be honest i

duck - I haven't moved yet. Still working on it after sewer, water and flooding issues which, hopefully are resolved. I will be 85 this summer and with CFS/FM I am pleased to have gotten this far. Definitely time to be in a less challenging home.

Dd had surgery a month before the date that my youngest son passed 20 years ago. It did a bit of a number on me. I just have to hunker down and get through these things, and I do, but it slows my progress with the house.

Dgd and her boyfriend just got an apartment in Edmonton with their (her) dog and cat. I think they are going to be OK. It's in the same area that her older bro is - a nice safe part of the city with lovely large old trees. Younger bro is already planning on visiting. I have promised them a meal out when I get down there.

Greetings everyone. And Happy 4th! I am truly not looking forward to the fireworks. Although illegal in NY the booms and displays go on and on.

They are getting more and more elaborate. Years back it was so amazing to feel like you could reach out and
touch them.


Golden! How are you! Wow! You arexmoving again. I am not caught up. How is DD. I so truly admire your strength resilence and wisdom. Especially through forest fires and so much .
Your posts about issues in Nursing home with clothes and TX prepare me in a sense .
You are always in my heart and prayers. PS. Dr Bonners is called I have used since you told me about it.
Be safe everyone
Ray of love healing and peace to us all.

Thank you for the 4th wishes Golden!
Having heard from many in Canada, I now believe that the celebrations overall are reserved.

But don't think for one minute that here in America, we are much different.
At least Caregivers, and past Caregivers.

I will be staying in, battening down the hatches, protecting my pet from the firework noises. We will be happy to get that new flag delivered yesterday on display by the 4th. Hooray. I think.

Thanks too, for the reminder about boundaries. Mine collapsed.

Welcome Jeanelf, Joskijoe and hummingbird, So nice to see you posting hearttoheart.

Caregivers, look after yourselves. Boundaries are important - they are for you not for the the person or people who may or may not change. When things got too stressful, I emotionally distanced and detached, and reduced contact. I needed that for my survival.

Venting is helpful, reading posts about people with similar situations and feelings is helpful. Recognizing we don't have control over every situation or person is helpful. Learning to self protect is helpful. I eventually cut off contact with my sister for self protection. Three years later I know it was for the best. While mother was alive I maintained only the absolutely necessary contact with mother and sis knowing they would be emotionally/verbally abusive sooner or later (almost always with mother and regularly with sis though she could be charming when she wanted to be).

sharyn - so glad your cellulitis is healing. It must have been very scary. Hope it never happens to you again.

duck - keep on working through your feelings and protecting yourself as possible from your sis and nephew. Look after your health!!! I hope eventually you will have a place separate from your sis. She sabotages you.

ali - I have found that the good things surface from time to time and I am thankful for them, There weren't enough of them and there ere too many bad things but I never let the bad things define me.

Enjoying some lovely summer weather here and continuing to prep the house for sale. I have some great guys helping in the garden, a couple of truckloads worth that will go to the dump, a bunch of stuff for donation/give away. My bedroom is about staged for showing, two other bedrooms are close. Getting there!!!

Happy July 4th to all posters from the US. 🎆🎇🎆🎈🎈🎈 The extent of my July 1st experience was having gone to bed and hearing some noises. I got up to investigate and realized they were fireworks down by the river and went back to bed!

Great news SharynMarie!

Hummingbird I am wishing you all the best as you process your decisions regarding your mother.

I've been in a good place for a few days and so thankful.

When I got home Monday evening I found fridge not working. The service contract is expiring soon so I was in a sort of panic it may have expired. They offered a new fridge and then I could get another contract. Whew!
So having seen the repair men service it in the past. I unplugged it and bought up things to my fridge. Next morning I plugged it in and it works. I will be going to get new fridge next week. Last time I had to add more cash in same situation and I don't have it right now. I was so relieved for this option.

So this morning I came down to bake some sweet potatoes for my visit with my mother tomarrow. I usually do salmon and sweet potatoes but can only cook one thing at time. So on my way back upstairs I decided to check my mother's rooms on parlor floor. The ceiling plaster in her closet fell and then I noticed the top part of the one of the back rooms had fallen inside and one side of panes shattered. So I lock door and go up to get plastic to cover the opening until I get money to fix it.
When I go back down the lock is jammed I could get in tried and tried. I go to store come back and tried again. So thankfully there are bars to the window.

I luckily I had changed looks to the front room when my sister left doors unlocked for access to thermostat when the heater stopped working one of the coldest weeks in winter. That was a gruesome trial.
So years ago before my sister locked all the doors on her floor and my mother used to go up there I noticed how the tub around the silver drain had eroded so all this long the water had been leaking down. The ceiling on my floor directly under the bathroom on her floor is the messed up also now anew piece has fallen.
I text my nephew asking to make his mother aware I had a little turmoil inside knowing how they ignored my mother's need so why would they care about the house falling apart.
Anoway nothing more I can do until I get money and have to break into the room because I can't get in through locks I had changed and my sister has keys to the back entrance.

So I kinda started to go into my bad place and then I started counting my blessing like I was advised to do. It took away a lot of anxiety I have to keep going there looking at my blessings.
Ali thanks for the perspective. It's now my mantra I just have to keep remembering it.

Happy fourth to everyone.
I am not looking forward to nerve racking fire works and I remember the joy in seeing the beauty.

Rays of love and peace to us all.