The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

SharynMMarie... Praise the Lord!... Awesome news! 🙏💞

Hi everyone!

after 3 weeks on an antibiotic for a cellulitisinfection it is finally healing and closing over. The infection was very deep in the tissues of the abdominal wall. Through this whole thing, I’ve been seeing a physicians Assistant She has been fantastic. I do have an appointment next Tuesday for a wound care center, but in light of the progress made since last Friday, it will mostly need to cancel that appointment after I am seen the PA on Friday this week

I
m feeling very positive about this finally, as I was very worried about developing sepsis or a blood infection. After talking with my PA today, it seems very unlikely that this open will still be there once it is completely healed.

I hope everyone has a decent July 4. We are spending at our daughters with her in laws. It will nice


june 29 my sister leaves California to move to Kentucky bittersweet for all of us leaving California. I may not see my sister again for several years as flying to kentucky across the country is very expensive. .

Since I've started I'm going to keep going with this process of counting blessings. I am grateful that my mom is liked and welcomed by so many. She's charismatic and exotic, and I've seen how people treat her with such interest and attention - it has at times blown me away. She is an interesting woman and has many fantastic and exciting stories to share.

She loves being loved so she'd be really happy in resort style, fancy-pants, graduated-care living. She'd have daily facilitated social activities and outings, and have her housekeeping and meal needs met too - This is also a type of independence.

I think as she lives alone she's bored and becomes more cynical. In the right social and supportive environment she could stay more positive and cheerful. This can only have a positive effect as she changes.

And for me, I'd no longer need to be in constant connection with someone who brings me pain. It hurts to say this and I work through guilt and shame. Less exposure would benefit my own healing.

As poa it weighs heavily on me too - I see the benefit of being proactive rather than waiting until something happens. I really don't want to clean up a big mess later because I'm not brave enough to bring up hard things and make some major decisions now. And to do all that with grace and dignity - Arg! it's hard!

You know, it is kind of like the old saying that parents used to use - This hurts me more than it hurts you. Huh...never liked that one.

Thanks Duck. Fortunately my mom has enough funds and insurance to live comfortably for a very long time. It is important to count the blessings too. Because of this I really would like her to consider the graduated residence as it is like an all inclusive resort with supports as needed. The price is high but it's her money and she should use it. I believe she'd really like it once she got there.

I want to apologize for crazy typos.

Ali!!!!! Tears and Hugs! As usual I am always uplifted and encouraged from your journey and posts.
I get that I have to focus on the good and fun memories I have many and I think that that is what has kept me in many ways. Thank you. A light bulb was turned on.

All the best in school and everything Ali always!! "MUH"

Hummingbird keep posting its a safe place to open your heart and eventually you will get a helpful post. I reluctantly feel to tell you this situation issues have only just begun. I am in no way an expert and my wisdom is personal so I refrain from giving advice. At least you have power of attorney.
So I will share somethings I wish werein place for my mother. I was blocked from her care via health proxy. By my sister who later professed an expertise in limits of insurance for home care. Which passed me off because knowing this she could have incourage my mother to buy or pay for premium upgrades. Anyways iwish my mother had
Longterm homecare insurance.
That her property had been place in her children's names way back so she could be eligible for Medicaid. Homecare with all needed therapy and TX.

Just off the top of my head.
Again please excuse typos.
Hindsight is great isn't it lol.
Anyways rays of love peace and healing to us all.

Looking for a safe place to release some pressure. There is so much backstory but the fact that I'm in a dysfunctional family forum should say it all.

My mom is 83 and lives independently, alone in a really nice 55+ condo that she bought. She has many friends and is in a few clubs. I live far enough away that it requires an overnight but I phone daily.

If I was "in charge" (eye-roll) I would have her chose someone to regularly do housekeeping every other week, and someone to help prepare healthy, fancy, delicious freezer meals that she wants, on the off week. This would ensure someone was in her condo each week to keep an eye open for anything that needs fixing or support her with whatever need arises in the moment - shopping, recycle, etc. She can definitely afford to pay a good person well for the job and people really like her. She does have one fellow who comes sporadically to help with housekeeping but would be great if they could make some more regular arrangements but she does not want that - pride, fear of being needy.

Mom appears to be doing all right but has sleeping issues, high anxiety, negative outlook, nerve damage in hands/feet from radiation therapy, does not remember how to use the oven/stove so relies on the microwave or restaurants for meals, is not computer/internet/dvd player literate, does not drive, walks with a cane and can lose balance. Her memory is not reliable and she can get confused and stressed which compounds the issue. Because of this she second guesses herself a lot which is exhausting for her and confusing for me. She has so much stuff that her condo is packed and it is hard to find things among the excess so she misplaces things constantly. She still refuses help in the house. She believes that if she tries hard enough she'll figure it all out. To her credit she often will but it is a terribly stressful journey.

Originally the second bedroom in the condo was for live in help should the day come. Unfortunately I cannot see my mom actually accepting someone living in her home and I do not want to manage it. I did find a graduated care home that was absolutely gorgeous, across from gardens and a seaside walk, did daily field trips, had a restaurant style cafeteria with fancy menu options, and had the security of residents who are fully independent, high functioning and keep things in check. It also had memory care in the same unit so if the time should come (as it did with her mother) then there would not be a tremendous transition. She will not recognize the difference between graduated care and nursing home. She put her own mom in a terrible nursing home and fears the same.

I remind myself that she is living her own life. Although I am power of attorney, I will not take her autonomy or force things upon her. The danger risk seems low right now. I plant many seeds and often she'll come up with the ideas on her own.

Anyways, I feel my own anger and some resentment starting to rise. I was neglected from the day I was born and I thank my guardian angels for my life. I believe she did do the best that she knew how but didn't know how to care for anyone other than herself. I do not want to be her caregiver although I am willing to work with an agency and want her to be comfortable and safe.

I'm 49, my kid is now entering second year uni and almost ready to take on her life without much more hands on help from me. Our relationship is strong, challenging and amazing. I am so grateful that she is in this world. Now, it is my time to do all that I have yet to do - the list is long. I am struggling with all the feelings that arise as I prepare to step back from my mom. I have brought this up in a few different ways over the past year but she only sees the impact on her life and expresses her dependence/possessiveness on/of me as well as her not wanting to be a burden. There are solutions. Maybe when I have my ticket she'll decide to refocus.

Wow, feels good to sort this out here. Thanks!!

Hi Duck, I believe I started a post to you recently -- but I get overwhelmed with school and work and anxiety, so it was never posted. :)

But your latest post had me thinking along the same lines as what I wanted to write before: That healing is an ongoing process and that some of us are too deeply wounded through dysfunctional primary/childhood relationships (and probably because we're tender, sensitive souls) to have 'normal', totally even-keel emotional processes. I'm glad you have your faith as a source of comfort and strength. Glad to hear you're working, too.

I understand writing things out as a sort of emotional journaling. Whether we do it on this thread or we do it privately, I think it's important and helpful -- if only to get things OUT and in more concrete terms.

I also think I personally cannot ruminate on past trauma. But there was a time in my life when all I did was ruminate on past trauma. I believe it's a form of PTSD. I still do it, just less often than I used to. And if I can catch myself rerunning hurtful/conflict scenarios in my mind, I stop and remind myself that no one -- not my mother, brother, or whoever -- is paying rent in my head. There's no constant free space available for them in my heart and brain because that's my space, my resources, my joy that I must have for myself. That helps me.

It's helped me recently to purposefully focus on remembering good things about my childhood, my family relationships, and my caregiving time. There WERE some good things -- some of which I'd forgotten -- but they had become shadows in the glare of all my hurt and resentment. I've tried very directly to bring those good memories out into the light in my conscious brain. It balances my perspective.

None of this changes the hurtful events, but for me, it's been really helpful to purposefully, systematically, methodically, consciously (you get the idea, I think? lol) FOCUS on those good memories. It's a struggle I face every single day and I figure I'll likely always have these challenges, too. I get it. But dang it..! I refuse to let past hurts ruin my potential to find joy TODAY. So I fight for my right to be happy today and as free from the past as I can get.

I hope this sounds supportive and is in any way helpful, and not preachy. I know that what has helped me may not help others. Wishing you happiness, dear Duck. It's a nice feeling and I think we forget what it is sometimes because we're anxious and we worry about everything (describing myself there). I believe happiness can be a daily practice if we put some work into it -- changing our mental habits.

So there. I wrote my own long rambling post back to you. :) I get it. All of it. (((((hugs)))))

HI everyone! Just checking in I've been out the loop off and on.

Sharyn so sorry about your dilemma with cellulitis. Many times it requires iv antibiotic which may be followed by oral.
Im not a wound care specialist but I personally know that creams with zinc really enhance healing
Maybe even a supplement. It helps with cold duration.

Also one unit I worked on wS notorious with healing cavernous buttock bed sores so we unorthodox and offvrecordbwouldvuse malox to help keep areas dry so
vthey could heal.
I have lymphedema in one leg from cheerleading incident way back in high school. My first time with open scrape I was amazed at how much it weeded. The leakage was scary and took a long time healing.
I guess the leakage finally stopped when the nearby micro circulation vessels healed. Hang in there.

Also happy belated father's day to all the fathers and father figures.

Wor is slow but I have been blessed with a decent case even though it's an LPN rate. I'm just grateful to finally be at it.

My mother is okay. I now understand a lot of issues that Golden complained about.

Oh and I was a tad preliminary about my cuz being elected into senate.
It still in election process but very hopeful.

I know I write these horrible long post. Could be a habit of explaining every detail under the reign of a narcissist.

I am still a work in process. Memories intrude and get triggered. I miss what I thought was love. I get angry regularly going up and downstairs case. Because I see things sister or hers on drop or leave on floor with no regard or respect for where we live. As I write I am just realizing to justcsweep it up then I won't seevit an resent it everyday. It's like I finally ga e in and scrub the accumulated dried cat vomit and dirt last year when my son came up. I was ashamed. Then it's like some threw out an old brown and straw pieces arexhere and there. During heavy rain the Waterbury come count. If the stomp them they stay there. I am talking about maybe five at different times. I sweep the hall but rarely the steps.

Anoway I have so much pain in my heart and so many negative memories. I stay in prayer to forget or release but I guess as long as I'm here I won't really heal because I'm still in that atmosphere. I can't afford to move. And we'll I can't leave my mother. Stockholm syndrome I'm sure is one of my downfalls.

Also I just want to make it clear that every one on board here means a lot to me especially knowing there is past present and ongoing pain. I just give my props or proper respect to certain members of the forum who cared enough or just touch my heart mind in a profound way.va perspective a cry just a plain post on what was happening. Even now its cathartic.
But just realizing some one took time understood and reached out. Even the mild negativity helped me see and learn. Everybody has a story and some others were deep and so slowly subtle. But I have been deeply moved and happy at a good change. It's also awesome to see certain posters reach out in the same way they did to me. They say that the truth will set you free. I am justvsaying I think you all are wonderful it takes a lot of courage and the love and care and wisdom can d experience fuel therfore. Thank you all for just being and Sharing.
Rays of Loveland healing to us all.
Ps I binge watched the last season of the umbrella academy it was great.

Countrymouse, Thanks for your viewpoint--that is helpful. I do only have the cards up on the cabinets about which dishes to use and the garage card. LOL.

My sister is not really involved in the care plan except she did once want ME to give my mom something that would kill her because she knows everything. Thank God I do my research. I tried talking to her but that has never worked. I told her off and she keeps threatening to call the authorities whatever that means. Her husband calls me names and says I am vindictive and betrayed them. How? By keeping my mother safe during COVID? That's all I did. I am POA and certainly don't want to keep my mom from seeing her children or them from her (and in fact have encouraged my mom to get out of the house and go over to see my sister so she can see the great grandkids) but I don't think my house has to be a hotel either which is what she wants--to come and go with no acknowledgement that I even live here or have my own things going on here. That would never fly at her house but she is entitled. This from a person who wanted her grandchildren to call her "Queenie" instead of grandma. Go figure.

Thanks for your point of view. I never really get to see the caregivers, as I am at work when they arrive, so I try to have things made easy for them. And I do so appreciate them. All they have to do is get my mom up, dressed, give her breakfast and her morning meds. Then giver her lunch three hours later and to the toilet. That's it. My mom is okay mentally so they can chat. Then they leave. A four hour gig. No real housekeeping except rinsing her dishes, just keep her company and watch tv or color with her--whatever. But its a big worry off my mind that she's kept safe through these things and I appreciate all caregivers.

Thanks for your kindness in responding and giving me some things to think about.

Jeanelf I am chuckling to myself here, other workers will understand why but you probably have to have been there - you are describing a "house of cards" such that makes our hearts sink to our little boots. We stand there, wide-eyed over our masks, thinking "whaaaa...?!?!"

You know those urban jungle caricatures, with the Walk Don't Walk No Entry Turn Left signs piled one on top of another? It's a bit like that, only it becomes even more fun when you have two or more family members involved (my all-time favourite was the running spat between the granddaughter who said the client only liked cheese sandwiches and the daughter who said we weren't to ask the client because she'd just say she wanted cheese).

One support plan detailing what to do and where to find what they need to do it.
Subheads:
a.m.
lunch
p.m.
bed
domestic
on leaving [e.g. leave conservatory unlocked, bolt front door, return key to key safe. SHUT THE F***ING GARAGE DOOR BEHIND YOU, NUMPTY would also go in this section.]

If they don't read the care plan, that is a flogging offence. You don't have to have any sense of humour about that.

I love the control freakery accusation. When my mother threw up her breakfast shortly before we were due to set off on a forty mile drive to my sister's house and I rang to cancel, I was told it was "very sinister. Very suspicious." My other particular favourite was being told repeatedly that I was "too close to the situation" to understand the medical information as well as the family members who never attended any appointments and had nothing to do with hands-on care. When one stated an opinion to a respite care assessor that mother was doing well, and I asked "how would you know?" this was considered rude and aggressive on my part; but actually it wasn't a rhetorical question. I genuinely wondered how she thought she could know. And apart from the heart disease, failing kidneys, vascular dementia, arthritis and gout, it's true - mother was doing great.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to swap stories, it's just once you start...

What happens if you tell your sister to get stuffed? Have you ever tried it?

Glad, I’m hoping it is healed up when this is all said and done. It is about 70% healed. If it’s not much better by Monday, I may have to go to a wound clinic.

Countrymouse,

Thank you for your kind response. The calendar is a great suggestion! Thanks. I do have index cards posted all over the place, on the cupboards "Don't use these," "use the plastic glasses in here" "This is the button to open and close the garage door." But that's a small nit compared to my sister who I wish would move far away to another state. The caregivers have been nice and my mom is happy; I just don't get driving away, facing the garage door and leaving it wide open. We have had several breakins around here and I'm on a dead end. It's happened twice now with two different people. And mom would be here alone with an intruder, too!

Anyway, my sister's always been this way but with the grief and shock I experienced at my husband's suicide (in front of me) and my stressful job while being the only caregiver, it's really too much.

She called my mom just yesterday and wanted her to come over. My mom said it wasn't a good day because she's having a difficult period with her bowels. So I, who wasn't even involved or knew about it until later, am accused of (and told to my nieces/nephew) "brainwashing" her and turning her against my sister. It's ridiculous. She refuses to cooperate, because that would mean I'm "controlling" her. We once, some years ago, tried to take an extended family vacation. She literally wanted to follow me there (a four hour drive) so that I "wouldn't take the best bedroom." It's unbelievable. This is supposed to be a grown woman but acts like a pouting child. I wish my mom a long life and I take good care of her, but it's hard to deal with the constant hatred coming my way just because I was born. If she's jealous or something of the situation, believe me, she's free to take over any time! I wish I could just let it roll off my back but without support from my DH anymore I'm really having a hard time.

Sharyn, I am late to arrive, somehow I had unfollowed this thread. So sorry, you are going through this. I am sure it is scary but it sounds like the doc and you have this under control.

Once you get the infection controlled and done, it that blackhead removed somehow?

Oh Jeanelf. Hugs to you.

Can you use the calendar on MS Outlook for your mother's appointments? Then cow-face can see when your mother's free and if she still turns up at useless times at least you'll know for sure she's being intentionally thick.

Using the good crystal for water - I'm probably guilty of having done that too. We workers get pretty good at spotting our way round unfamiliar kitchens (a client yesterday was most impressed when I found him a teaspoon first go, bless him) but it isn't always obvious which sets we're meant to use and if you're giving medications you don't have time to stop and check - plus we don't like rummaging around too much because it looks as if we're snooping, or worse. If you can separate out the everyday stuff into its own cupboard it should help.

But leaving the property unsecured is a no-no. Formal complaint time. Again though - is it obvious how to close and lock the garage door? Make sure the instructions are included in the support plan. If the caregivers aren't working to a written support plan... They should be. If the agency isn't doing this, write your own until they do.

My buttons are gone now, because so is my mother and so are my siblings (from my life, anyway, in the latter case), but the scars are there and every one of them is aching from your post. Hugs again.

I'm fairly new here and losing my mind. My family is pushing my buttons to the point I'm thinking of putting mom (who mentally is good--no dementia, just normal old age memory loss) in a nursing home (colostomy and fall risk) which I don't want to do because she likes it here. I am afraid my cancer will recur because my sister stresses me out so much. We have never gotten along because she is narcissistic and her big goal in life is to be as entitled, unhelpful and obstinate as possible.

I have been taking care of mom in my home for the past almost 2 years. She had to leave AL because she had COVID and did not "bounce back" well enough, according to them, to be there and take care of her colostomy. I was widowed by suicide (read: stress, grief) 3 years ago and have kept mom in a ranch home with me that we were building because she needs the ramp, etc. My sister does NOTHING. She refused to get vaccinated because she knows better than the CDC, WHO, the Pope, etc. She knows EVERYTHING.. I did not let her in to visit my mom during the height of COVID. She could visit through the window. I have a covered porch and she could talk to her on the phone or through the window. I stayed home and ordered in groceries during that time so I was not a risk to her. It lasted like that for a few months. I tried to follow the rules -- (mom's first bout with COVID gave her a pulmonary embolism, double pneumonia and her kidneys started failing). I have tried to be a good caregiver and she's now in good shape and her kidney doctor is happy.

My sister threatened to "call senior services" on me for trying to do the right thing. Of course, she does very little now that she has the chance. She also has a ranch home and didn't offer to take her. She said she "works from home." (So do I, full-time.) She said she "has to be on the computer." Well, SO DO I!!!! She said, "well, mom has a TV there." I said I wasn't aware that she didn't have a TV! What a load of $*(@).

But she wants free rein to my home when I'm not here, whenever she wants (especially when I'm not home). I'm just the worker who opens the door. It was years ago, but she's stolen from me in the past. It's who she IS. She's got a real chip on her shoulder. She's making my life miserable and her husband is backing her up with more abuse. She's alienated my nieces/nephew from me. At this point, I can't stand it. She makes plans with a 91 year old who can't remember what's going on, on the days we already have 2 dr. appointments because she refuses to "be subservient" to me and ask me before she gets my mom all worked up. So she doesn't ask me if there's anything else going on that day. My mom tells me someone's coming to get her (on the rare occasion) at 1:30 and they show up at noon when she hasn't had lunch, gone to the bathroom, etc. And, oh, if I knew I had an extra hour and a half, I just might be able to make plans of my own. But "it's not her fault I can't make last minute plans." This is MY house and I told her she can visit 5/7 nights a week, or any time on Thurs, Fri, Saturday. Not good enough for her. (Not that she ever visited my mom more than once a month before).

There's no consideration for the fact I'm taking her to the appts, having a nurse come here weekly, a podiatrist, I'm still going through my husband's things, working full-time, do laundry, give meds, showers, change her colostomy bag, take her to the bathroom, dress her, try to entertain her, shop, cook, cut the grass. I barely leave the house except for work and then I have various caregivers I know nothing about come in here. They use the good crystal to give her water. They leave the garage door open all day. Sometimes they don't even show up. I asked my siblings for a vacation in Nov.; they refused; I lost like $1000. Mom and I get along great but I hate this now because of my sister. It's hard enough w/o her.

Care giving is extremely emotional... I was caregiver for my father like 3 years. At times I did have help from family members. But like one year I was on my own. He had colorectl cancer. I took him to like 100 appointments. Dr Apts, radiation, and many others. Eventually he came home, to my sisters, on in home hospice. That was more difficult. The feeling when a parent comes home to die, I wish on no one. But here's the thing. I'd rather die at home and not in a hospital. Brings me to hospice. As scary as it was. Some people think it's a death sentence. Could live for weeks or months. Father died in August 2020. Was on hospice about 3 weeks. His cancer was stage 4 and spread to basic the whole body. He did not want more cancer meds. Sometimes I still think they killed him before his time. The thing is... they made him comfortable. With out the meds. he would have been in extremely pain. As hard as it was...I'm glad he notdie in a hospital. I know he was glad also. Anyone that must deal with this. I hope my words help some. Look forward to comments. Love and or prayers be with yall

SharynMMarie,
I know it's scary and nerve-racking... You're doing all the right things... Keep going back and advocate hard for yourself. Let me... (us) know how tomorrow goes. 🙏💞

Thank you Heart2Heart. I admit I got a bit emotional when my dr said possible MERSA. I’m thinking how can this happen. I’m not in a hospital, I’m clean, use bleach in my wash with towels, bedding. I just freaked a bit.

thank you for your kind words. I go back again tomorrow and “I” think it looks much better, I will see what the dr says.

SharynM, I'm glad you are feeling better.

SharynMMarie
I understand where you're coming from. I've had some very strange things happen to my body as well. One was a very bad allergy where my face turned into Star Wars (and, I had to go to work!). They never could find the root of the cause, even after going to one of the best allergy hospitals in the US. I also had some other weird and scary issues. The main thing is staying on top of it with your doctors. The body is resilient... Breathe... one step at a time... ❤️
(I also think things are caused by all the junk they put in any product! They told me to stop using anything with 'fragrance' in the label... we don't know what 'fragrance' is anyway... like when they were putting Tricyclovane (sp?) in liquid hand soaps, etc... which turned out to be a powerful commercial floor cleaner... Its been banned now... I believe...)

Send, I am. Thank you for all your info. I’m just frustrated and from I have read, I will be prone to getting ore infections like this. I’m hoping that is not the case. If so, I may resort to bandaided this pore on my stomach from here on out.

Hunker down SharynMarie, and take every single dose on time, till gone.
I know you've got this.
It is frustrating, infuriating, and time consuming.

Heart2heart, thank you. It is frustrating as I have never experienced this type of infection before.

So glad you're getting better SharynMMarie. These things can happen to any if us (which is a good reminder to all of us to cherish and care for our body. Sending you healing prayers 🙏🌈❤️

I had a follow up on my cellulitis infection. It is getting better tge oral antibiotic is now Bactrim, a wide spectrum antibiotic. The redness is better, it is not getting deeper. A couture was done to rule out a more severe infection line Mersa.


I do feel very blessed as I’m not having any systems of sepia. I am frustrated it is not healing faster. I was reassured it is a common skin infection and can take 2-3 courses of antibiotics. It is not an issue of poor hygiene or cleanliness. We all have this type of bacteria on our skin and all it takes is an opening for it to become like I what have.

Al this thread is most definitely the right thread.
I have come to understand there are no coincidences.
There's a host of wise caring and understanding people on board.

Keep postin! Eventually a response or a post will give you an aha moment a perspective which will open a door to understanding and change.

It may be a painful process. But in the long run the honesty sometime brutal and realistic beyond my understanding helped me realize so many truths. I was insulted and could not comprehend that I had low self esteem.
I was guided to learn about narcissism the root of my dysfunction. Understanding led to growth and appreciation for this forum.
It saved my sanity gave me strength.
The sharing of painful issues different or worse gave me hope.

Seeing how others overcame or processed in healing, the strength to share their painful history.
The fact that someone not knowing me cared enough to help to understand or just respond meant and still means so much to me.

Beautiful wise loving folk here.
Keep posting you are not alone.

So a young nurse came to both our surprise. I gave her report thinking the mom was going to eat her alive. This was a Friday to Saturday morning so now the trains were not running. So I took shuttle bus and it took me almost 3 hours to get home. First thing Monday I communicated what happened and that I would not be going back. I also stated how I felt bad for the relief nurse and was told she was not coming back either.
My old self would have overlooked the blatant disrespect. I was suffering financially and aware and grateful that I was comfortable and aware of my refusal to accept disrespect and violation.

So again I am out of work. Different coordinators communicated concern and acknowledged the problem with the mother and the craziness.
TO'Day I accepted a case for LPN 7a to 11p. Less pay and acceptance that after years of night shift I had to do days knowing the stress to my established rhythm. So I call the client mom and introduce myself and that I would be there Sunday morning 7am. She told me I could come later and I was dumbfounded. So I get there and then she told me to leave early. I was amazed but grateful. I was just filling in less pay and stress on my circadian rhythm. So I felt grateful. But still in the wings of a need for work and concern for financial balance.

Okay I didn't mean t to go here and write a long winded book.
Rays of love and healing to us all. ((((HUGS))))

I’m hoping this is the right thread only child here, 3 years ago my father pretty much dropped my mom off at my home because he couldn’t care for her. It was a total surprise when it happened. At first it was supposed to be 3 days but never came back. He provides 0 financial support even though they are still married. My husband and I cover all her cost. Recently she has started to fall, her legs give out. I was lucky someone else was home to pick her up. I know that eventually she will need to be in a care facility and I have been trying my hardest to put it off by modifying our home to accommodate her needs, but even I know it’s inevitable.

Today she fell, then it turned into the oddest tantrum that included flaying her feet, tossing her head, soiling her bed, and when she realized that I wasn’t going to give in to her tantrum, she changed bed pad, clothes, undergarments and tossed all the soiled items on the floor. The concern I have is that this might be an indicator of maybe something new that I’m just not equipped to understand. I don’t have the $$ to cover that kind of care she will eventually need and dad won’t cover it. I’m feeling stuck and want only the best for her. I’m just not sure where to start.

Sharyn l am so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and beautiful.
Just checking in.

All the best to you Alli! You are always an inspiration for me.

Golden you already know! So wonderful and strong. Godspeed and prayers for you and your DD.

Much love to the 3 G's Booklover and Barb.

Life is throwing hard balls as usual. I had a very hard moment a few weeks ago after watching a series welcome to eden. One scene a mother slapped her daughter and it triggered such deep emotions that I had subconsciously buried in my youth. I cried for days realizing how I buried my pain in so many moments in my youth. I actually reacted to something I buried and it was another frightening revelation of who I am and the things I did not know I didn't know and how on earth I didn't see. So I am still stuck in so many ways and bewildered as I acknowledge and attempt to overcome and address so many issues. I turned to God in that young age. Throughout I have always been aware of my blessings and Grace.

Its awesome to see my blessings and how and when they come.
When I worked NYC EMS many years ago it was amazing how when I was overwhelmed with the pressure of seeing the worst we do to each other and crazy weird instances so tired of seeing death and ugly. Then I would get a delivery. One of the most beautiful things in the world and it would erase everything. It was amazing how these incidents occurred.
So in the midst of not having employment off and on the past few months I have been experiencing the same kind of blessings through my loved ones. My cousin got married beautiful. My son got a promotion. And another cousin won election for Senator.
I have been out of work for weeks at time. So very scared as the hip issue flares up the disappointments with authorizations of cases. Not taking cases because of the danger of traveling late. Cases being closed because client moved.
A few weeks ago I took case that was 16 hours and long travel time. It was very difficult especially with the client mother issues. I broke into sweat with work which I hadn't done since resuscitation in EMS. Not to mention the dynamics dealing with unrelentful but understandable essence of a mother's irrational hope need and motivation toward a complete recovery of a beautiful son who was resuscitated after a deadly car accident. Maybe in some since I am violating HIPPA. Anyways I felt like I was in an ICU unit and I was also uplifted in my professional tkills as well as the gifts I have been blessed with and a skill for difficulties. I was only filling in. So I felt accomplished after the 16 hours shift. So I was out of work for weeks. My reserve diminishing. Depressed with the lack of work on top of trying to work through my emotional issues and dysfunction. So anyways waiting for authorization for yet another case I get call with query about case. I communicate the difficulty and physical demands and I am offered a raise if I take case and agree not communicating the issue with the mother. Feeling I can get past that. Inspired by the mothe and sister reaction and surprise at the client's calm after my first time. So I agree and work again agreeing to start regular shift The next week. So that night I realize no one worked since I was last there. And realizing the offer was because of difficulty filling in the case. The morning as I am preparing to get off the mother threw a clean balled up quarter of a paper towel on floor and told me to put it in trash. I ignored this as I was organizing and preparing to leave. Then she threw the other half on floor and gave same command. I again ignored it. In my mind I was shocked. Eventually as I am about to close trash and dirty laundry she again told me to put the things she'd thrown on floor I respectfully told her that I didn't throw them on floor and I don't throw things on floor I put trash in bag. As I left the Father was smiling saying goodbye see you next week and I was felt bad

Sharyn, I hope you keep getting better. (((Hugs)))